The Enshitification of Capitalism

This is the smartest
shit you’ll hear today.

Generally because you
only talk to dumb people.

I’m Chuck with Beef Chest.
This is Seamick Bee.

I don’t think that’s the
tittest tagline that’s ever

been invented. But you
know, I was just trying stuff.

So recently, Reddit had
some issues. Reddit’s

a big big website
if you don’t know it.

I have been on Reddit for 12 years. I don’t
consider myself a significant Redditor.

I don’t have a particular amount of
Karma that would be impressive to anyone.

But it is a very useful site for someone
like me who likes to intake a lot of

information from a lot of sources,
serious, all the way down to ridiculous.

It’s all there. And that’s
a like about it. That’s

what I like about it. I like
that it’s user submitted.

It’s user run. And of course, that ends up
being the problem for the company that is

Reddit. Reddit, they had a basically a
protest recently and all the big sub-redits.

So they went private, which meant you couldn’t just
go and surf them and look at them yourself. You

couldn’t just drop in and see what was going on.
You couldn’t just read stuff from that sub-redit.

Because it was now private. This
was in retaliation to Reddit saying they

wanted to basically take away the ability
for third party apps to use their API.

What does that mean? I, when I look at Reddit on my
phone, don’t use the official Reddit app. I use a

thing called Reddit is fun. I use it because I like
it better. The official Reddit app is kind of dick.

Excuse me. I just ate so much
food. It’s ridiculous. It’s like an

emotional issue that I’m having.
I just struggling with food lately.

So I use this alternative app. It uses stuff. Again, I
don’t want to get into the technical issues, A, because I

don’t understand it. It gets into stuff and pulls that
magic Internet stuff to pull content from Reddit to the app.

The thing is, the advertising
on that app doesn’t go

back to Reddit. It goes back
to the creator of the app.

Reddit said either you pay a ridiculous
amount of money. This is all about

money. This is what companies do. This
is actually called the in-shitification.

This is actually a real thing. You go
online, you can search for in-shitification.

You’ll actually get a wired article. I think
it was one of the first places I saw it.

It goes through the steps of how a
company grows and then becomes more shitty.

They call it
in-shitification, which I really

enjoy. It’s the kind
of word I remember.

If they used more language like this, more
creative language that suited my parlons,

I would remember a lot more words.

But just to sum up what’s happened
on Reddit, Reddit’s like they want

to make this change, basically want
to shut down any third party apps.

You have to use their app and all these people are like,
“Why the fuck are you doing that? That’s just shitty in me.

You’re just taking money away from other people who are
actually working really hard to make your website better.”

They did a blackout. Reddit comes
in and says, “You can’t do blackouts.

You got to open up your subreddit
or we’re going to be nasty.”

A lot of the subreddit said, “What we’ll do is we’ll change it
from regular to not safe for work because you can’t advertise or

monetize not safe for work websites because Disney doesn’t want
to add showing up next to someone getting like hardcore bone.”

Then, Reddit’s like, “You can’t do that.
We’re going to force you back into it.”

So the protest kind of failed there.

It’s the hypocrisy of this more than
anything else that bugs me. It’s your website

running the way you want, but Reddit as a
website is based off the free labor of people.

Primarily, people submitting content.
That content comes from another source.

Let’s say I make this podcast. Someone else
takes the podcast and puts it on Reddit as like,

“Here’s a stupid podcast I like or I saw and
they talk about Reddit aren’t you interested?

I’ve done the work to create the content that
user has done the work of making it public

on Reddit. Moderators unpaid. Make sure
people don’t get out of hand in the comments.”

So there are three sources of unpaid labor that make
Reddit work and then Reddit is being greedy about

ad stuff because Reddit, if my post, so okay, I got
to do a piece by piece, the mods don’t get paid.

So any ad revenue
that Reddit makes, a cut

doesn’t go to the mods.
That’s an unpaid source.

The person who posts
the content, if it gets

really popular, there’s
no payback for that.

So if you find the best
content and you post on Reddit,

you get Karma, but Karma
doesn’t translate into anything.

And then I is the person
who’s a creator of content. It’s

completely alien to my
platform. So I get views and stuff.

So maybe if I monetize through a secondary
source like, I post this on YouTube, it gets

monetized on YouTube, but the Reddit element of
the advertising, that doesn’t come back to me.

So Reddit as a platform
is based on taking the

work of other people
and utilizing it for growth.

So they were threatening to remove mods and I actually wish the
mods had gone with it and just said, “Fine, replace us. Replace the

hundreds of thousands of people who moderate sub-redits. I would have
loved to see that because then the site would collapse into anarchy.

And it’s what Reddit actually deserves.
I have been looking for an alternative.

This is not the first time a blackout
has happened because at Reddit.

And I have looked for alternatives multiple times. Right now, let
me dot world, l-e-m-m-y dot world, seems like an up-and-coming

growing mastodon driven alternative. Still needs to be
worked on, but it seems better conceptually. How about that?

But if all the mods had left, and this is kind of like I’ve done
stuff in the past where what we need is everyone, users, customers,

whatever, to actually work in uniform, in unison, if they do that,
the protests will be successful because the company will collapse.

So the adjudification, but of course, you’re a mod because of a
certain amount. You’re not doing unpaid work because you love to not

be paid. You’re doing unpaid work because there’s prestige or
something you’d love you want to take care of. It’s one of the other.

There’s a lot of jokes about Reddit mods, they’re
just mods in general. But at the end of the day,

these are people who’ve dedicated their time to
something and they don’t want to just give it up.

So I understand the reluctance, but I
think if all the mods at Reddit were like,

“hands up, we don’t like what you’re doing,
we’re not going to moderate anymore.”.

It would just be all like Nazis
and porn in comments from that

point on, making this site
unusable for that point forward.

It would just be essentially for a chance,
something like that. But something where

advertisers would just be like, “We’re
not putting any money into this anymore.”

So if you just did that. So if just the
moderators just said, “We give up on Reddit,

we’re going to wait until another website
comes up that does things the way we like it.”.

They could actually
collapse Reddit in a week.

The social model worked. So what
they said is we want people to submit,

we’ll vote on the content, we’ll
have moderation. That’s all unpaid.

And the site group, that’s
again, it’s been around for

12 years more plus because
I’ve been on it for 12 years.

So what has changed? So in
shitification is a concept. It’s a real

thing and it does happen to
companies. So we have some examples.

So I want to talk about that.
Number one, step one, the

website or the service is
created. It’s good to users.

One of the examples is Amazon, Amazon used to
be all about getting customers, their books

and they actually used to sell things at a
loss to make sure that people had the money.

To make sure that people had the
best experience they possibly could.

Reddit, good to users, it was all about
the users. And then there’s growth.

Number two, step two is abuse the users
to make money generally on advertising.

So the ads start to come in. We’re
talking Facebook. We’re talking like Amazon

has other companies sort of come in.
That becomes their business partners.

The business partners are how the company makes money. This spurs
growth, but then they have to make it a little shittier for the

user because the priority has changed. The priority is no longer
a good user experience. It’s a good business partner experience.

Then that grows to a degree. And
then step three is abuse the business

partners to claw back value for
yourself so that the company can grow.

So now you are no longer concerned with
the users. You’re no longer concerned with

the business partners. You are solely
concerned with your own growth and profits.

This was the example that I
saw was Facebook. Facebook had

advertisers in business partners
and they were talking about content.

And then people would go to Facebook to read
news articles and then Facebook closed off the

news articles if the company that produced the
news articles didn’t pay to boost their posts.

The people who subscribed to that post to that service wouldn’t
see it. So they forced business partners to pay to get subscribers

to see those things. YouTube has a similar thing. You can
subscribe to stuff and it never seems to show up on your feed.

Why is that? It’s because they want
those people, those business partners,

those things to pay for the service
they’re supposed to be providing.

Because really all of this is content
creator provides content that goes

direct to user. It’s supposed to be
the model for like YouTube and stuff.

This is to me the appeal of
podcasts so far because I run

my own website. So SeeminkBiz
on the

It’s hosted there. I own it.
There is no middle step between

me and the user. So I
make it. I post it. You get it.

You probably are picking your
own podcast app player to do

like a podcast catcher to listen
to the podcast. But that’s it.

That is. And then if the one you have doesn’t
work, there’s going to be a million others

that do. You can just go to the website and
listen to it. All this stuff is available.

Because I am in complete control. It
doesn’t mean that I don’t get sort of the

view. The expanded view of like powerful
algorithms and advertising and stuff.

But it means that this will remain for the user. Now the
insutification of this podcast could absolutely happen. I

start getting advertisers. The advertisers get to a point
where they’re like telling me what I can and cannot say.

We grow to the Joe Rogan experience level of fame where a
company gives me a hundred million dollars. And now I no longer

give a shit about selling other people’s products. I lock
them into like 10, 15 year contracts that they have to pay.

And I give them really bad ads and stuff. And
all I care about is calling back my own. It is

the demise of me as a person, which would be great
because I would end up being rich in the way.

That is kind of where we’re
ending up with this whole

talk is being rich is
actually bad for everything.

So step three, abuse your
business partners to create

value for themselves and
then step four is slowly die.

The bigger the company gets before it hits on
that final sort of downward spiral, the longer it

takes to die. Facebook being an example. It was
so big. It’s still around. It hasn’t died yet.

But I don’t think anyone
considers Facebook a

viable platform for any
sort of serious endeavor.

If you are going to start, you want to be famous, you want to create
content, you want to do a new business. You wouldn’t be like Facebook

is where it’s at. Unless you are like targeting, I can honestly
older people who just never understood that you can leave Facebook.

I am a 12 year Reddit user. I am actively
looking for an alternative. I would enjoy.

That’s not a common attitude. Someone who’s
invested sort of the time investment fallacy.

The idea is that like when you go to buy a car,
they try to keep you there for as long as possible

because the longer you spend doing something,
the more you actually want it to be valuable.

They will give you a shitty deal. You have been
there for three hours. You will take that deal

so you don’t feel like you waste your time. You
should always get up and walk out at least once.

If you are going to buy a car, take
the deal and be like, “Oh, there is the

tricks.” I don’t know why I am talking
about car dealerships all of them.

The guy gives you a deal. He says,
“I am going to go talk to my manager. I

am sorry I only have five minutes.”
He goes, “Yeah, only take five minutes.”

It is giving three minutes to get up and just start
walking away. See how quickly he comes back. If he

loses the paperwork and has to do it again, I don’t
want to buy a car from someone who loses the paperwork.

See how quickly he finds that
paperwork. It is all tricks to get

you invested in a bad deal so
you are less willing to examine it.

I have been at Reddit for 12
years. It would be so easy to just

maintain the status quo. Stay
ahead Reddit for another 12 years.

Despite how bad it gets, just make excuses
to myself. But I value my time. So the

instant that starts to happen, I start looking
for alternatives. Not everyone does that.

You might be like,
“Well, Facebook, Reddit,

they are so big. They
are never going to die.”

Do you remember Dig? The IGG. Dig was a competitor to
Reddit back in the day. It was in the exact same position.

It was actually in the dominant position for a while.
Barely anyone remembers Dig anymore. It was a long time ago.

If you were young, you would never
have heard of it. It is sort of along the

same lines as 9G. There used to be basically
the 3 websites, 9G. Dig and Reddit.

They were actually all
competing against each other

to be the dominant one.
Reddit kind of came out ahead.

My space, similar trajectory.
It got bought. It became

big, advertising stuff.
Then it collapsed in on itself.

Like I said, Facebook is
still around only because it

is going to take longer for
an entity that large to die.

When I think about
Facebook, what are they doing

recently? They were in
competition with Instagram.

Zuckerberg actually said it
is better to buy than compete.

They bought Instagram and
they just try to make that.

Now, Instagram is struggling
to compete against its

main competitors, which
is TikTok and other stuff.

They are all mimicking each other
instead of competing. Meta is coming

out with VR stuff. If it comes out
from meta, I don’t even pay attention.

That is meta, Facebook has
become such a secondary entity in the

world of technology that I’m
going to take it seriously anymore.

I have a Facebook account. I
don’t check it. People have sent me

messages. It has been months before
I have actually responded to messages.

I have a Facebook account for
an international campaign. I hate

using it. This absolutely despises
everything about Facebook.

I never really wanted to join the first
place. My friends were all like, everyone

has a Facebook account. You join so
we can talk and stuff. Never got into it.

Now, in a situation where we
have Instagram versus TikTok versus

YouTube, they are all trying to
find the edge and mimic each other.

TikTok is starting extending its play
times to compete with YouTube. It has just

offered me, I think, the 20 minute Mark,
which is a full podcast most of the time.

YouTube created shorts, which is
just TikTok, Instagram created reels,

which is just TikTok. They are all
trying to compete with each other.

They are all trying to compete
for the advertising that comes with

those things, but they are all
going through a similar process.

This is the inshidification of all of them. Instead of being
true to themselves and their identity and what they do and

what they brought to the people who are their initial users,
they are now like we need to compete for advertising dollars.

I actually think if YouTube, TikTok had
stuck to what it was originally, short form

30 second, one minute videos or whatever,
it would have maintained what it was.

It would actually again be delivering stuff
to users. I am noticing there is more ads

when I go on Instagram reels and stuff, there
is more ads, and then the YouTube algorithm.

It is just the real is not interesting to
me. The biggest problem they have is

they can’t roll back. First of all, you
would have to admit you made a mistake.

Reddit would have to say it
was a mistake for us to take

away the API. We are just
going to leave it the way it is.

We are going to roll things back
with less advertising and make

it better for users, which are
deliver a better user experience.

That would lose the money. The
admitting a mistake is almost impossible

for these corporations to do. You
can never admit you made a mistake.

Then secondary is money
is now the primary focus. It is

not serving the users of the
platform. That is capitalism.

I said Facebook instead of competing against Instagram,
just bought Instagram. That is not competition. Capitalism

as a philosophy is based on competition. It says the
market will balance itself. New competitors will come in.

It is just the modern version
of capitalism is almost based on

behemoths becoming monopolies
in everything but actual existence.

There are other companies that
will compete against Amazon but

they are not competition. There
are telecommms in North America.

There is like two. One for
East Coast, one for West

Coast. They don’t actually
compete with each other.

These companies want a monopoly.
They claim to be capitalists but they

actually want a monopoly. They don’t
want to compete with other companies.

They will just buy out other companies.
Right now we have the EA. It is Microsoft.

I think the EA is the
only game in video game,

technology and games and
exclusives and stuff like that.

Which is anti-capitalist. But it is
because they want to get all the

money. The only way to get all the
money is to be the only game in town.

But then you are now not
actually talking about capitalism

anymore. That is part of
the adjudification process.

Billionaires espouse the glory of
capitalism because they become billionaires

but then do everything they can to not
actually partake or compete in capitalism.

That is something that
people need to think about.

Mark Zuckerberg and
Elon Musk recently. This

is just getting into
the secondary issue.

They started a beef.

So basically Facebook has announced
it is going to make a Twitter clone.

So again, we are not going to
do something original and not our

idea. Twitter is in trouble
because Elon Musk has taken over.

We are going to make our
own Twitter and everyone

is going to love it. I
barely even pay attention.

I didn’t find out about the meta-tutor
clone until this morning when I was

actually checking that I got all my
information about Zuckerberg and Elon Musk.

Elon Musk obviously heard
about this. Started doing what he

does on Twitter. So it is
childish insults. That kind of stuff.

He said, “I will take you all fight
you because he is five years old.”

Zuckerberg, who has been studying
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, said like location.

He put a big stupid picture on
the Internet. He is a tough guy.

And then Musk agreed.

So I feel like society
or civilizations come

full circle because we
used to fight to survive.

We used to fight other tribes
and stuff to survive. It was

very important for men to
be strong and fight each other.

For survival. Then we had civilization
and we tried to pull it back a notch.

And now we have gone so far the other way. We have actually
come all around full circle where the upper strata of

society, the billionaires of this world, now feel like it is
perfectly acceptable to fight each other to prove something.

I guess to prove their men. I actually have
a secondary thought that once you become in

sort of the billionaire class, you actually
get this idea that nothing can ever hurt you.

So saying I will fight you. Part of your
brain goes, but I will never get hurt, nothing

bad will ever happen to me because you are
so insulated from the rest of the world.

I did actually want to look into
the seriousness, the nature of this

match. What would it look like? So
Musk is 51 years old, same age as me.

He’s had no training that I
know of. He’s 6’1″, so he’s 1″

taller than me, and he weighs
200 pounds, weighs about the same.

He is essentially a cruiserweight.
He’s a big boy. So being a

big boy means you come with a
certain amount of inherent power.

Zuckerberg, he’s 39, so he’s got used,
he’s got a little… but again, I think

once we get to 41, the differences are
there, but it’s not going to be significant.

He has been studying
B.J. Jane, he’s actually

pretty good. He did a
Silicon Valley tournament.

He got gold and silver in two categories.
He was fighting featherweight.

Featherweight is 126 pounds, it’s like
56 kilos maybe. So you have Musk who is

90 kilos plus fighting a guy who is
57 kilos, basically two thirds his mass.

Cage matches are going to
start standing. So again, I was

trying to take this seriously.
Who would actually win?

Because everyone’s like
Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg, Zuckerberg,

because he’s actually training,
he’s actually doing this stuff.

But he’s a tiny, tiny man,
and he might be good, but

if you’re good in B.J. Jane,
you’re good on the ground.

Now I’m thinking Musk’s only chances don’t go to the
ground. So when Zuckerberg rushes up to him, he’s going

to go for like a leg, like a tackle basically, and try
to get him to the ground so he can’t actually wrestle.

If that is successful, Zuckerberg
wins. If Elon Musk throws big

haymakers, because you got to
remember, Zuckerberg is trained in B.J.

He’s not trained in boxing.
He has no defense. It’s like

I’ve been doing Judo for 40
years. I have never done boxing.

You put me in a boxing ring.
I’m done in seconds. Like an

actual boxer would take me
down so fast it would be ridiculous.

You put a boxer into a Judo suit.
I would take him down in seconds.

It’s not like diminishing the
value of any of the martial arts.

But what you have is the fight
start standing up. You have two

untrained fighters in standing
fighting. It’s going to look ridiculous.

Zuckerberg has one
opportunity, and that’s get

Elon Musk on his ass
as quickly as possible.

Now, because Elon Musk,
I’m assuming, is out of shape in

all aspects, because I’ve
seen his body without a shirt on.

I bet it would actually be pretty good. I bet
Zuckerberg could run around the back, just

grab him and kick his ankles, or kick him
in the back knees, or push him really hard.

And he would fall down. But Musk would have
one chance. If he could hit Zuckerberg once

with it with just a wild shot, I bet he would
put Zuckerberg down right there and then.

So it’s very hard. If I was a betting
man, I would still put my money

on Zuckerberg, but not as
confidently as everyone else was talking.

Because BJJ has a very good reputation now.
And again, I think that is earned.

But I think people misunderstand
how BJJ starts standing to groundwork.

And there’s every sport has rules.
And once you work outside those rules,

you are essentially untrained again
until you relearn what you’re doing.

They would have a training
period. My understanding is that Elon

Musk’s mother has been
posting online that the fight is off.

That she’s convinced Musk not to
do it, something like that. There’s been

a lot of jokes about Elon Musk’s
mommy. He says he’s not allowed to fight.

He’s not allowed to play rough
with the other billionaires. Dana

White is, I think, president if you
have to see something like that.

He says, okay, it was so offensive
to me. He said, this would be

a massive fight. It would be one
of the biggest fights in history.

It would be an amazing
thing we could do.

Imagine the money we
would make for charity.

Now, if you took out the
four charity part, I think

he’s being honest. Imagine
the money we would make.

How much? What percentage
of that’s going to go to

charity? Nothing. I did
see someone else posted.

We’re in a society where the
Roth child or something took

their vast fortune to build
libraries and schools and stuff.

Now, we have two of the richest men
in the world want to do a cage match.

They’ve taken their vast fortunes and
they’re fighting like basically children.

Which is ridiculous. Now, I, of
course, wanted to see them beat

the crap out of each other and I
would love to see them get hurt.

Which takes me to the
final point of this weird, weird

podcast topic, the
inshidification of all of society.

Why is there no empathy for these men?
These billionaires specifically.

Because last week, we
had the submarine that

imploded with a group
of billionaires on board.

And the Internet went wild
with incredibly cruel jokes.

Now, I laughed along with
everyone else about how awful it was.

I saw some of the videos about inside
and there was like, it’s carbon fiber.

And again, I don’t know enough
about material sciences. I know

enough about carbon fire
that you don’t drill a hole in it.

To mount some of the
screens. So, if you drill a hole into

carbon fiber, you’re basically
weakening the entire structure.

Now, I know that’s not probably what crushed
the whole thing. But it’s irrelevant.

I know if I, as a complete
amateur, can recognize a mistake.

Then anyone else with
actual study or knowledge

should have seen how
that was going to be.

And then we heard about the guy saying,
oh, you know, this is an unsafe craft.

We can’t sail it in the
ocean. People are going to die.

The president of that submarine
company says, you’re fired.

And then a week later, it implodes with him
on board. Again, no sympathy and empathy.

Why is that a thing? And
I was looking around to

actually see why do
people not feel any empathy?

Because this is a human being
died. Everyone had a moment

when they found out there
was a 19 year old kid on board.

Now, he is the son of a
billionaire. But a 19 year

old kid hasn’t technically
done that much wrong.

Of course, he maybe
has. But we’re like, he’s not

the problem. The
billionaires are the problem.

And we feel no empathy for them. So I
actually looked into empathy a little bit.

And the thing that I found
out is that empathy is not a

function of an individual,
which I was very surprised by.

I’ve always thought that empathy would
have been like, it’s something I feel.

Empathy is a function of society and
community. So it’s about relationships.

So when I’m online, I’m trying to
think of things that make me cry.

Dogs. So we got Dave in the corner.
And I see these dogs being rescued.

And I will feel myself tear up.
I have a great amount of empathy.

But it’s because of my deep connection
that stupid looking dog in the corner.

As a society, as a
community, as a group, you

have empathy for
people you can relate to.

So I relate to those Facebook
videos of dogs being rescued.

And it makes me almost cry because I have
this deep connection to the dogs I had when

I was a kid, to the dog I have now that I
spent a huge amount of time taking care of.

I mean, you can see we spend all
our time together when I’m at home.

And that extends to my
coworkers, my friends.

There are people I
understand and I care about.

That is where empathy
comes from. The nature of a

billionaire is that they
immediately create stratification.

And they try to separate themselves
from society, community at large.

So the empathy, society
at large has for people

who separated themselves,
goes down dramatically.

And this was very kind of
revealing to once you separated

yourself from society,
knowing that people are not

a society, no one
gives a shit if you die. I

bet other billionaires
were very upset by this.

But of course, their voice isn’t as big
as a billion people making jokes on Reddit.

So that disconnect they create
by trying to say I’m rich, so

I’m a higher class person,
you’re poor, so you’re lower class.

Is why no one feels any empathy
for these billionaires dying.

Now, for me, I think the primary problem
was actually he wasn’t listening to anyone.

So this billionaire,
there’s another problem

with billionaires as sort
of a class or a group.

They’ve gotten so used to being right.
It’s almost like pop star syndrome where

everyone tells you you’re great, you’re
amazing, you’re great, you’re amazing.

That’s really bad for you because
then you start to think you’re

really great and amazing and
really smart and you know everything.

Where you may have specific knowledge, you don’t know
everything. So you see pop stars and they’ll give political

commentary and it’s just so confused and weird and it’s
because they know pop music, they don’t know politics.

They know A, they know B. So it’s like I, what do I know about well,
I could talk quite in depth about the cage match they were doing,

but because no one has spent the entirety of my life telling me I’m
really good, I’m really smart, I’m really good, I’m really smart.

I don’t think I know everything. Anyways, billionaires are shit.
I think that might be the conclusion. It’s the separation and then

because everyone around them is sort of yes men, they get into pop
star syndrome where they think they know everything, but they don’t.

So they won’t admit they’ve made a mistake very much like I’m
talking about Reddit at the beginning of the podcast. They

can’t admit they’ve made a mistake, they can’t roll anything
back, they have to forge forward with what they’re doing.

There was a set of emails I saw released about the submarine thing and
the set of emails basically said look I’m not 100% confident in this

and the guys like I actually find that offensive that you think this
isn’t safe and the guys like I did some research this doesn’t seem safe.

Therefore I don’t want to ride your crazy death trap and the guys like I find that offensive not factually
argumentative I don’t have anything I can say to you personally to change your mind. I’m personally offended and that

was supposed to mean something. You should risk your life in this thing you think may or may not kill you because
you don’t want me to be offended because that’s more important than your life and that is the underlying message.

So this in billionaires and
the stratification of society

is primarily to me the in
certification of all things.

So it’s how do we get back from that well there is no simple
answer because now society is set up to keep this going in the

people the billionaires who do have a great deal of power they
want to keep a boy going because that’s how they stay billionaires.

So honestly I don’t have an answer but when you see a service like
Reddit and it goes through a blackout everyone should quit Reddit and it

would collapse and everyone should quit Twitter and it would collapse
and then the Internet could go back to being sort of a freer entity.

Yes, we would have to find things it would be harder
search engines might not be better. We won’t use

Google anymore will have to use a new search engine
that’s actually better and working towards users.

But if you’re aware of and shitification
and the reality of the user actually

has all the power because as soon as
you stop using it all that power goes away.

My space is basically gone because no one
uses anymore if everyone would just drop

Facebook it would be gone tomorrow if everyone
dropped Reddit it would be gone tomorrow.

And then something else two or three services
would spring up and try to take their place and

then we would be back to actual capitalism actual
competition and things might actually improve.


So that was a little experiment I have been
struggling to come up with original ideas.

Don’t say sorry I want people
to do stuff I again this isn’t me

complaining about you this is
me complaining about my inability.

The mistake they made was
making an end date in the protest.

Ah this is it the end date was people are saying
that I actually disagree I think that’s irrelevant if

what they needed was when they said we’re going to
remove the mods all the mods on mass should have quit.

Should be like fine go ahead a completely
unmoderated Reddit would collapse in hours.

I mean honestly hours there
would be an influx of all really gross

shit there would be an influx of
all these kind of things happening.

They would have no control over it they wouldn’t have the staff
to keep the website under control because of the nature of

Reddit if there is no modification exactly what I said though for
John is what it would become and no advertiser would touch it.

They’re already running it a deficit
they already run it dead so if they’re

already running it dead that would
collapse as soon as all the users left.

A long time ago I did the same thing I was talking about
the monopolies and stuff of Internet users in America and

like there’s basically you move to an area there’s really
only one Internet provider and it’s always stupid expensive.

If you could organize the people in that region to all quit on
the same day and I mean actually quit on the same day and you

would have to go two weeks without Internet let’s say I bet those
prices would get super fucking reasonable super fucking quick.

The problem is the organization never happens and like
these mods they’re committed to what they’re doing

so that doesn’t happen and that’s that’s to me where
the problems arise is because people are disorganized.

But if the mods of Reddit would all quit today you would either have
no Reddit or a way better Reddit tomorrow. It was a bit messier than I

wanted but that was essentially three or four points from the news media
that I put together into kind of a structure and try to talk about it.

It’s not a bad idea I think I
can smooth it out essentially

was three ideas it was
the insitification of Reddit.

The cage match in billionaires
and then why no one had empathy

so those are my three concepts
that I wanted to put in there.

Comedy Covid


So I watched a lot of comedy on TikTok and it has…

The algorithms obviously figured out I like comedians and it maybe

is figured out I’m old as well so it thought I would like this

which is a very interesting choice. I was interested in it.

“MZ doesn’t know how to write a check. They don’t know how

to address an envelope. They don’t know how to read cursive.”

So she’s saying what? They don’t know how to write a check.

They don’t know how to read cursive. What was the second one?

It’s a second one on the… “They don’t know how to read a paper map.”

Oh, they don’t know how to read a paper map. Okay. What she’s actually

done is listed off a set of skills that people don’t need anymore.

I was of the age of people who wrote checks. I have not

written a check easily since I was 20 years old. I’m 50.

So in the last 30 years I have not written a check. I am basically of

the generation she’s talking about that is capable of writing a check.

I know how to write a check. I have not done

it. It is a skill that is completely useless.

As far as reading cursive, people put a lot of stock into

that. I don’t actually see the value in writing cursive.

People don’t read cursive anymore because cursive is not relevant.

That’s actually what if you take her underpinning. This comedy is so low bar.

She’s basically listed off a series of skills that

her generation has. The following generation doesn’t.

And then the people in the audience laugh. That actually was a bit that I found funny.

People were laughing at this because I didn’t laugh at

the first part because I didn’t understand what was funny.

That young people can’t read cursive isn’t inherently funny.

Young people need a paper map. Can’t read a paper map. But they do have GPS.

People try to make fun of them for that. I don’t actually see it as a problem

because I took a minute and I made a list of some other things that boomers can’t do.

Let’s actually let her finish her joke and comment on that first.

They can’t get anywhere unless there’s a GPS map

on their phone. All I’m saying is a gentleman.

The irony there though is I bet she can’t use the GPS map on her phone.

So boomers famously are very poor at using technology.

So it’s really hard. I don’t see this as a picture maybe in my brain.

It’s like how can you make fun of someone who is able to use

something and relies on that thing that you cannot even use?

So there’s kind of a weird irony there. The

next sense is if Gen Z takes over the world.

Gen Z takes over the world. It’s going to be pretty easy to get it back.

I don’t see how those things correlate because what are

you going to do to take over the world with cursive?

What skill have you just espoused that is going to help you take over the world?

So the world we live in is technology based. What are you going to write a check?

And that’s going to help you take over the

world. You’re going to write a letter in cursive.

And that’s going to be some like secret script

that the Gen Z isn’t going to be able to read.

And so you can pass your secrets back and forth. But

you can’t do a technology because you can’t use any.

fucking email or anything. Are you going to use

your paper maps to outwit Gen Z that has GPS,

abilities? I mean, this is what I’m saying. The skills you’ve listed are relevant.

Gen Z is going to take over the world probably

mainly because you’re going to die. I mean,

you’re not going to be taking it back because you’re going to be dead.

The audience laughing at this. I didn’t

laugh because to me there was no actual joke.

They’re laughing hard. So this relies on the

audience agreeing with your sentiments having had

this kind of conversation in the first place in

their life. I do like, if you can watch the video,

in the front row there’s a dude. He’s got the American flag shirt on.

The irony there. There’s actually really big irony.

People who wear the American flag have not read

the rules about how you treat the flag. You’re

not supposed to wear the flag as clothing. So like

American flag pants and underwear and bikinis,

American flag shirts, bandanas and stuff.

You’re actually not supposed to do that. That

is technically disrespect them to the flag.

According to America, and that’s the irony. So

I wanted to get some of the better feel for her

comedy routine. I want to let her start from

the beginning, get a feel for her comedy,

and then see if I could maybe replicate the power of this in my own way.

Gen Z doesn’t know how to write a check. They don’t know how to address an envelope.

They don’t know how to read cursive. They don’t know how to read a paper map.

They can’t get anywhere unless there’s a GPS

map on their phone. All I’m saying is that Gen Z

takes over the world. It’s going to be pretty easy to get it back.

Man, they laughed really hard at that. Like way harder than they should. That is.

insane that they found it as funny as they did.

All right, so I went and found some things. So.

boomers can’t be a galley roller. Boomers don’t know how to use a knocker upper.

Boomers don’t even employ caddy butchers

anymore. Boomers don’t know how to use a beam of

test. They can’t operate a lino type machine and

they couldn’t even set bowling pins manually.

I’m just saying if boomers try to take over the

world, it’s going to be pretty easy to take it back.

Just so I what I did as I went and found a

list of jobs that don’t exist anymore. A galley

roller in a large, large ship they used to have

hundreds and maybe even thousands of people

hacked as rowers. They used to row the ship and

then they invented sales. And the sailing ships

were much faster, much more efficient than the

rowing and people didn’t have to die doing it not

as much. I mean people did die in sailing ships

but for totally different reasons. A knocker upper.

takes on very different meaning in modern parlons

but a knocker upper is someone who wakes you up.

So they come to your house, they knock on the door

and you get up and you get up. So a knocker upper.

A knocker upper was replaced by the alarm clock.

A caddy butcher was a very interesting job.

A caddy butcher is someone who is basically a

butcher for horses but because people don’t eat

horses anymore, like they don’t use caddy butchers.

A beam attest is a person who used to count steps

physically to measure distances. That was replaced

by the paper map. So an entire job industry

was replaced by paper maps. Boomers can’t operate

line-on-type machines. That is when you should do

type-setting basically. You have to take the

letters and put them in place and then it’s like a

heat thing. It was replaced by digital technology.

Oh big shock. And they couldn’t even set

bowling pins manually because that actually used

to be someone’s job. They didn’t have a machine

that picked up all the bowling pins and then put

them down. They have a big claw now that picks

them up, puts them in place and puts them down

physically. So the irony there is everything she’s

talked about has replaced some other technology

that was proceeding it. There are a dozen versions

of that joke. They all rely on you saying things

to your audience that your audience always

already agrees with which is not a joke. So first

of all if you have a listicle that’s not a joke.

and then going, “Ooh look at us, aren’t we better?”

I do remember the one of the videos I really enjoyed

and it was they gave a rotary phone to a couple

of teenagers. When they were laughing and laughing

and laughing as the teenagers couldn’t figure out

how to use the phone. And it took about 10 minutes

but then they figured it out. Whereas if you

gave one of these older people a smart phone,

a brand new smart phone and told them to do some

basic settings, I guarantee they wouldn’t be able

to do it. And that’s the difference. You’re talking

about young people not being able to do something

because they’ve never done it before. That doesn’t

mean they can’t do it. It doesn’t mean they

couldn’t figure it out. It doesn’t mean they’re

adaptable because they are. We’ve had some jokes going

around lately. Primarily about language. My coworkers

are old. My friends are old. I’m old. And they are

starting to rip on things. My wife specifically is

angry at the fact that my kids spend so much time

on their tablet. Now I didn’t really want to point

out but then felt obligated to point out the fact

that while she was complaining about kids being

on their tablets, she was watching TV. And she was

probably watching TV for the exact same amount of

time the kids were on the tablet. So the kids aren’t

watching television in the traditional sense. They’re

watching videos on TikTok, on YouTube and stuff.

They don’t watch traditional TV. And she in her

mind has demonized the tablet when the TV is just a

big less useful tablet that she is one step

away from being addicted to. And I pointed out,

so you have people now complaining that kids

are addicted to their phones and tablets.

My generation, the kids were addicted to TV.

Previous to that, kids were addicted to music.

Previous to that, kids were addicted to

music. All these complaints have not changed.

They’re generational. You’re not doing the thing

I did. And the new thing that you’re doing is bad

and addictive. It will make you sick and dying. Now

social media is engineered. So I think there are

risks to go along with it. TV is bad. It’s addictive.

But it was more passive. Whereas the algorithm,

what not is coming for your children, I am aware

of that and do caution my kids. We do a limit time

and stuff. But it’s because I know that modern

technology is manipulative in nature. I don’t blame

the children for that. I mean, the conclusion

to that is that first of all, that wasn’t funny.

From an objective point of view, what she did

was make a list and the only reason the people in

the audience were laughing is because they agreed

with her. So that wasn’t humor. That was agreement.

If I could be specific, I don’t want to define a

joke. A joke is something that makes you laugh. But

they were just like, oh yeah, I hate young people.

Therefore, this lady hating on young people is funny.

to me. Whereas I don’t, I personally don’t think

that’s a joke. If I was going to try to make a joke,

I would try to do better than that. There should be

an examination of something. Because her joke falls

flat when she says we could take it back. I don’t

think you could. I don’t think you could take it back

from the millennials. They would lock you out of

your email and Facebook. And then you wouldn’t have

be able to do anything. And you’d be spending time

calling the millennials or Gen Z or whoever you’re

talking about to come and fix all that shit for

you. Do you remember when people got really upset

about Miles Morales, the new Spider-Man and the

new Spider-Man wasn’t white? Remember that? I just

wanted to point out that no one gives a shit anymore.

So Miles Morales was introduced as a half-black,

half-Mexican kid from Brooklyn. He got bitten by

a different spider and got different spider powers

and became the new Spider-Man of Miles Morales.

Everyone who was racist lost their mind.

And fuck those people that’s so stupid. Because here

we are now, a few years later, I don’t know when

Miles Morales was released anymore. And no one

gives a shit. They came out with that movie in the

Spider-Verse. Fucking awesome. I watched it again

a week ago. That’s why this popped into my head.

That movie’s great. I almost cried at the part

where they’re supporting each other because I guess

I’ve never had any real support in my life. But that

is something I clearly clamor for. The interesting part

was like, I was like, “I’ll watch this because the

new movie’s coming out. I’ll watch the old movie.”

So I’m kind of like, kind of remember exactly what’s

going on. That’d be really nice to go into the

theater knowing that. Fucking mosquito. I am

not Spider-Man. I miss that mosquito twice.

I forgot to do me a fucking mosquito. It’s because

mosquitoes hate spiders that are racist too. And so

he hates Spider-Man. He’s trying to ruin my Spider-Man

thing. I was watching it on the train and then

I just right way, midway through the trip. I suddenly

went, “No one cares that Miles Morales isn’t a

white Peter Parker anymore.” Peter Parker is white

guy. Peter Parker’s Peter Parker. Spider-Man’s Peter.

Parker. Fucking is the calling man. No one gives a

shit. And no one ever did. They just were racist.

That’s something you just keep in mind. Those massive

controversies are just distractions for nothing.

They’re not even distracting you from anything. But

that got me thinking about other distractions we’ve had.

We’re not coronavirus. COVID-19 is not finished. It

still exists. It’s still something to be concerned

about. I still know people who have gotten it

recently. So still be careful. I want everyone to be

careful. But we are maybe just living with it

now or we’ve got it sort of under control. People

who are vaccinated, things like that. I wanted to

take a look at some of the conspiracy theories that

came out. Just remembering, this is kind of like

reminiscing of the history of a couple of years ago.

So Miles Morales, fucking awesome Spider-Man. No one

gives a shit that he’s Spider-Man anymore because

he’s fucking great in Asia. So I can really only

speak for this stuff. I read online and the stuff I

knew in Asia. So in Asia, the first conspiracy theory

about COVID-19 was that COVID-19 was engineered

to kill off old people because China, Japan, and

Korea have too many old people. It’s a graying

populations. So they engineered this disease that

would attack old people. Now the reality is that

anything virulent like a virus or a disease or

something is going to have a bigger impact on older

people regardless. It’s going to have an bigger

impact on older people because they are weaker. They

have more underlying problems. They’ve lived a

longer life. They are closer to death already. So a

devastating disease, respiratory disease, someone

who’s not already healthy, it’s going to kill them.

So yes, it was killing older people at a higher

raise, but any disease would. So the Spanish flu,

I’m assuming killed older people at a higher rate.

The bubonic plague probably killed people at a higher.

rate. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know about the

stats back then. It’s a job that went away with

the boomers. So who knows? But I’m betting any

disease that is powerful, kills older people at a

higher rate than younger people. I do remember

also in the paper they were saying maybe people who

smoke are more resistant, which was a weird maybe

like smokers lobby that they threw out there.

I don’t I think that one was pretty much debunked

pretty quickly. So that corresponds to the virus

was engineered in a Chinese lab. Then there was

a conspiracy theory and it got out from the lab.

Then there was a conspiracy theory that the US

imported COVID to China so that they could blame China

for the breakout of coronavirus. That turned out

to not necessarily be true. And it really was

devastating way more in America than it should

have been because of the incredibly poor rollout

of vaccines and the anti-vaccine movement in there.

In Italy, I didn’t know this one. I just started

looking up some some basic ones so I could remind

myself. In Italy, they were blaming GMO, so genetically

modified organisms, basically virus resistant

or bug resistant fruit and vegetables and things

like that are the most common ones. They try to

grow more perfect fruit that is healthier and

harder. They were saying coronavirus came from that,

which I thought that was an interesting one I’d

never heard before. So there you go, even now I’m

picking up stuff. I actually there was someone I knew

who was on the coronavirus isn’t real. It’s not

a real virus and there will be lawsuits. This was

at the beginning of 2019, 2020. It’s three years

later and they were like there’s going to be lawsuits

in the world of court and it’s going to be coming and

you’re going to be regret taking all these precautions.

I actually that was an interesting argument

because they’re like you shouldn’t take precautions

against this thing that may or may not be real. So

let’s give them credit. Let’s pretend for a second

that coronavirus was not real. Taking precautions

against it doesn’t hurt you. So this is like I’m going

to take vitamins so that my immune system or

my body is healthier as a precaution against

catching the flu or a cold or just getting sick

in general. That isn’t specific towards anyone. I

take vitamins every day. I actually find that if

I don’t take vitamins, I think I have a single

vitamin deficiency that’s very small. If I don’t

take a multivitamin over the course of a couple

months, I get really worn down. I take vitamins

that doesn’t seem to happen. So I don’t know what

vitamin it is. I don’t know what mineral it is. It’s

something in my body, but I take the multivitamin

because it fixes this problem. But then I’m like

it also will help me any other deficiencies I might

have. So I’ll be healthier overall. Protect

me against disease and whatnot. Non-specific.

But then it was like wearing masks. Well, I basically

know what I know during the period we were wearing

masks. Got the flu. I started sanitizing my hands

against coronavirus. Maybe multiple times a day.

I’d probably do it once or twice a day now. But

my chances of catching other diseases, not even

coronavirus, has gone down because I sanitize my

hands more often than I used to. Taking precautions

against anything isn’t necessarily a bad idea. I

see people wearing a mask. I might even feel like,

oh, you know, in this particular situation, it’s

unnecessary. But they’re taking a precaution

against stuff is going to protect them more so

than if they didn’t. So the anti-mask movement,

I always thought was really weird because,

okay, if you don’t believe coronavirus is real,

you do believe that flu is real. You do believe

that colds are real and it will protect you from

the flu and cold. So what is the problem with

protecting yourself against these other things?

And then it maybe will just, you know, that

protective ability will roll over into coronavirus.

If it does turn out to be real perchance, may

have. And that was a little bit of an aside.

So yeah, there was the group of people who said

that coronavirus doesn’t exist, that it’s just the

flu. Now, I always found that to be a very confusing

argument because you’re admitting that there is a

flu and the flu is virulent. The flu is going around.

It’s very communicable. The flu is killing people.

The flu is putting people on respiratory machines

and the bit you’re angry about is that we’ve called

it COVID-19 and said it’s something else. COVID-19 as

far as I’m concerned is the flu. It’s just a really,

really strong flu that mutates and attacks your lungs

and puts people on respirators. You can call it a

flu. It’s just as dangerous. It’s killing just as

many people as if it wasn’t the flu specifically.

So that argument, I actually had someone use that

to me that don’t be silly. It’s just the flu.

Someone, I think it was on Twitter or something.

Someone kind of came at me with that one.

And I was like, that argument doesn’t mean anything

because if it’s just a flu and it’s still killing

people and still really communicable, then it’s just

as bad as if it is coronavirus. So protect yourself

from this flu just as much as you would protect

yourself from coronavirus. It was a globalist plot

to take away our freedoms. So lockdowns and stuff,

of course, we couldn’t do whatever we want. We

couldn’t go get haircuts. We couldn’t go out and drink

and have parties and stuff. And that’s my freedom.

You’re taking away my freedom. Again, I was a little

torn on that. I did. I agreed with lockdowns. I

thought they should have happened. Japan didn’t lock

down in the same way as let’s say North America’s

the one in the news. So it’s always the one I

end up talking about because Corona in Japan,

they have written into their constitution freedom

of movement. So you’re not allowed to lock people

down, but they made the recommendation in Japanese

people generally being quite sensible. Most people

did stay home and they only went out when they had

to and they just didn’t do things to try to catch

coronavirus. But interfering with your freedoms, the

thing is the freedoms came back. So that actually

in historically that was undermined because the

freedoms didn’t go away forever. We aren’t still in

lockdown. And again, the economy suffered greatly

and the globalists are the ones who want to keep

the economy working. Maybe they want to control

it, but to control it, they need people passively

in place in their cubicles to do the jobs that need

to be done so that there is an economy to run the

globe because the way we’ve set up the economy

in the world right now, it is economy based. So

the globalist taking away your freedoms and destroying

the economy in the same hand is not beneficial

to the globalists. So that one again logically

falls apart the more you think about how the world

works, which is actually how a lot of these conspiracies

fall apart is when you think about how the world

works. And then the last one was Big Pharma. This

was the best one from me. This was the one Big Pharma

wanted to make some money. The engineer disease

put it out in the world that disease kills lots of

people. We have the vaccine. It’s a science

fiction, it’s a science fiction plot as old as time.

It’s a good one. I mean, I don’t think… Actually,

it is the most reasonable of the conspiracy theories.

Is that a corporation decided to get evil. The

thing is multiple places came out with multiple

vaccines. I actually had the… I forget what

they’re called now. That’s how long it’s been.

I had the AstraZeneca, I think it was one of

them. And then I had the Johnson and Johnson

one. That’s weird. They put… Maybe the

vaccines, maybe forget what vaccines I got. I got

three or four. I remember the last one was… So

I actually got coronavirus. It was bad as a cold.

because I had been vaccinated two or three times

already. The vaccine did its job. So I got coronavirus.

It was like two days. One day I was like really hot

and uncomfortable. And then the second day I was

kind of bad and I slept all day. I went into

one of those hotel isolation situations.

And then it wasn’t bad at all. I didn’t feel

good, but like I wasn’t going to go exercise or.

anything. But basically I slept a little more. The

fever kind of took a while to go away, but that was it.

I was actually in really good shape. So I actually

think the vaccines worked. I got the fourth vaccine

for 12 hours. I was just knocked out. I was in

physical pain. I had that sort of joint pain you

get from the flu and stuff. It was way worse than

coronavirus. But then if I needed to get a fifth

vaccination, if they said Peter, you won’t want,

I absolutely would because the disease didn’t do

anything to me. If the vaccine is the worst part,

I’ll take the vaccine and take that eight, 10-hour

period of pain and frustration just so I could

survive the actual coronavirus with ease, no less.

Bill Gates wants to implant everyone with a chip. So he was talking about Ebola virus.

And he predicted that there was going to be another pandemic in the future.

Scientists have actually talked about this. Climate

change has done it. Just more air travel and

interacting with people makes it more communicable.

So the disease is going to spread around more quickly.

Things like that. So there are basically lots of

people who are saying there’s going to be another

pandemic. It’s coming soon. After coronavirus, they

were like, it’s going to speed up because we had

Spanish flu. And then they said, once in a hundred

years, a hundred years later, we got COVID-19.

And they said, oh, then the next one will be a

hundred years later. That’s not how it works.

Because of climate change and stuff, it’s going to

speed up. So we’ll probably get one every 50 years

that is this bad. And then it’s going to be every

25 years. Unless we get to a level of technology

where we can take care of it, that’s kind of what

Bill Gates was talking about. We need to learn

to protect ourselves from ourselves because we’re not

going to stop air travel. And we’re not going to stop.

mutations of diseases and stuff. And people

are going to mix in, it’s going to get worse.

And so they thought, because he didn’t want to be

proven wrong, he created coronavirus. So a computer

guy suddenly, like I’m going to say, yes, Bill Gates

is probably very good at computers. I don’t know

if he is anymore because he got into that position.

Like he created computers. He made windows and

stuff like that. But then he got into a position

where he didn’t really make stuff anymore. He told

engineers how to make stuff. He probably understood

what they were talking about. But could he do it?

I don’t know. Steve Jobs gets the same deal.

Like did he make anything? No, he told engineers,

you have this. I want these features. Here’s a

list. Go make that happen. They’re off. They go and

they get it. Bill Gates is the same. I’m sure he

understands computers and he’s very good at computers.

But at the end of the day, he was like, well,

here’s a list of features. Here’s things to make it

go work better off you go, go make that happen because

I pay your money now. So he might be high level,

but he’s certainly not going to be like, well,

I’m going to just switch to biology now of

virology and create some diseases to go make sure

that I am right in the world and the things I’ve said.

Looking back is valuable because all the things we

freaked out about conspiracy theories, especially.

It’s we’ve you hear the conspiracy theory. You

have a good time talking about it and then it

disappears because you don’t think about it anymore.

When something new happens and it’s tempting to

believe, oh, we didn’t even talk about 5G in the

UK. The people in the UK thought that 5G towers

caused corona virus because it ate the oxygen and

like infected you. And they were setting them on

fire. Like they were setting 5G towers on fire.

These are these are again, the very reasonable

people, the boomers from the first segment, not

understanding how technology works or radio waves

or 5G or any of this other stuff. And then just saying

like, they put up this tower, bad thing happened.

I’m going to burn down this tower. I’m right.

You can’t tell me otherwise. I had an interesting

experience when I was sick in the hospital a couple

years ago. And I would take a pill in the evening.

And then about two hours later, my neck would get

tight and my shoulders would hurt and I’d feel

some sort of pain. And so I told the doctor like

every time I take this pill, it actually causes me

pain. Is that normal? Is that a side effect? Is that

something that’s happening? He’s like, oh, that’s

not what’s happening. What’s happening is you get

like a steroid in the morning. And then you feel

stronger and better. And then when we get to the

evening, sort of when you take your evening pill,

that’s when the steroids wearing off. See, because

I didn’t understand medicine or the things that

were happening. I was thinking there was a causal

relationship. I’m taking this pill and then very

soon afterwards, I start to feel pain. I was

thinking the pill caused me pain. That’s exactly what

these people were thinking about 5G. What was actually

happening is the pill I was taking in the morning

wasn’t working anymore because it’d been 12 hours.

And I was taking a different pill for something else.

And then I wouldn’t that pain was just going to

sit there anyways. They could have given me pain

killers now that I think about it. But Japan, they

don’t give very strong pain killers and they don’t

like to give out pain killers too much. You need

to suffer a little bit to make you a stronger,

better person. Did it work? No, not stronger,

not better. Still stiff shoulders, to be honest.

So what I’m saying, conspiracy theories, we forget

about them. And what we actually should do is take

a look back at, again, we just have to be history

like three, four, five years ago. What were people

talking about? What were we thinking? Were those

things important? And are they important now? And

then the next time someone comes up with, superhero

has changed color or superhero has changed gender,

or it’s like a non-gender conforming version

of a superhero. And people flip out, be like,

dude, we don’t even remember the fervor over Miles

Morales. We don’t even remember people getting

freaked out about Lady Thor, which was a great

storyline, by the way. I wish the movie done it

better, but Lady Thor was fucking awesome. And

I could have done me with some more Lady Thor.

I had a second part. So then when you get, then

when you hear a conspiracy theory and it starts to

sound logical, think back to, okay, coronavirus,

what were the conspiracy theories we heard?

What do we now just don’t even remember? Nevermind,

right off is not true. What do we not even remember now?

And that will hopefully keep you more even tempered going on into the future.


Marvels Guardians of Galaxy game made me so angry I reviewed 6 Underground

(upbeat music)

All right, I’m about to shit on Guardians of the Galaxy,

via shitting on one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

This, all right, let’s start again.

So this is the closest I’ve come to writing a full script for a podcast in years.

When I first started making podcasts, I wrote a script

and I recorded it three times and edited those together.

It was shit.

And then I went to bullet points.

And bullet points seemed to work for me.

This is full sentences.

So I’m wondering if I’m going to sound more scripted.

But there are my ideas, there are my words.

Maybe I planned out jokes better, but then I never,

the jokes I make that I’ve planned out don’t land.

So today I wanna talk about Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

But I want to talk about it via the worst film I think that’s ever existed.

You might be like, oh no, what’s going on?

He didn’t like Guardians of the Galaxy, which is 100% correct.

But let’s take a look first at Metacritic score for Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

It has a Metascore of 80, generally favorable.

We all have the Metacritic thing where it’s like, 80 is not generally favorable.

That’s most people loved it.

The user score is 8.7.

I thought Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy was dismal.

And I hated every moment playing it.

And that’s unusual.

Mr. Warmhands sent me the game.

He said, you’re gonna love this.

You like story-based adventure action games, which is true.

This is a very heavily story-oriented action

adventure game, which is also true, I just fell apart.

And this takes us to Six Underground.

Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is the Six Underground of video games.

And Six Underground is the worst movie that has ever been made in the world.

First, I need to talk about a bad movie and a bad movie.

So there’s two kinds of bad movies.

I watch a lot of movies.

I watch probably a film every single day.

I have a one and a half hour train ride to work,

and then a one and a half hour train ride home from work.

I’m listening to podcasts, I’m watching TV, I’m watching movies.

That’s my media time now.

So I’ve watched hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of movies.

I love action movies.

I love funny movies.

I love goofy stuff.

I enjoy film.

Now, the first category of bad film is a film

where they didn’t have enough of something.

It’s not enough money.

It’s not enough talent.

It’s not enough time.

But there is sort of a heart there that makes you end

up going, it wasn’t a great film, but I enjoyed it.

There’s a kind of bad film that is still in the first category.

That is so bad that it sort of goes through the nature

and comes back up and is actually good again.

It’s still entertaining.

Because that’s all a movie or a video game really needs to be.

To be successful is entertaining.

It can be entertaining in the wrong way and still be successful.

I watch a lot of Steven Segal movies.

I hate him so much.

Oh, he’s the one who named Sean Nupi, said his name.

The curse has come back.

But my pleasure and enjoyment comes from

picking apart those films and how bad they are.

I would never recommend those films to another person.

I would never say watch them unless you had the same sort of mental state as me.

That’s also a very important part for criticizing media.

It’s understanding the way your brain is working

and the way other people’s brains are working.

There’s lots of stuff I would watch that I would not recommend other people watch.

There is the second kind of bad movie, which is bad bad.

So there’s bad, so bad it could be good.

There’s bad yet still entertaining.

There’s bad, but just bad.

And it comes from sort of two major issues that I’m gonna talk about.

But the primary thing is you have to have

all the things that those other movies lack.

You have to have the money, you have to have

the talent, and you have to have the time.

So you have to have all the things in place

to be successful and still find a way to fuck it up.

See, this is the problem without running a

script is I have to actually follow the script.

Let me introduce to you a film called “Six Underground.”

It is a Netflix movie.

Netflix has money up the wazoo.

This is a pre-pandemic.

Think it was toothed, anyways.

Maybe mid-2000 teens.

So they have enough money to make a good movie.

They have Ryan Reynolds as the lead.

He’s a very expensive actor and he’s actually quite good.

I like Ryan Reynolds.

He’s talented, he’s charming.

He’s made some good movies, made some bad

movies, but he has it in him to make a good film.

“Six Underground” is directed by Michael Bay.

Michael Bay has a very inconsistent career.

He’s made the rock, which was quite good.

He made bad boys, which is good.

He made painting games, which I actually thought was very good.

I’ve made Transformer movies.

Now, I believe that Transformer movies, I’m not the target demographic.

The most respect I had for Michael Bay is when he said,

“I make movies for 13-year-old boys,” which is a fair statement.

So he’s saying a lot of people complain and don’t like

my films because they’re not the actual target audience.

“Six Underground” in this case, there’s a couple of heads

explode and a lot of bodies get thrown around and stuff.

That means that I was the target demographic.

I had to be adults.

But it’s almost like his juvenile humor still

stayed and then his inconsistency in tone

is what infected the film, which made me so negative.

“Six Underground” had two writers that I remember.

And it’s two douchebags who should be ashamed of themselves because this movie–

I don’t know where it went wrong.

Because it might have been written really well.

And then Michael Bay changed it.

It might be Michael Bay took the material and actually elevated it.

I actually don’t know because I’m not part of the process.

I don’t think it was Ryan Reynolds.

I think Ryan Reynolds was doing all the things he was told to do.

He was being very Ryan Reynolds Z in this film.

You don’t even have to watch the whole film.

The opening is a car chase escape scene and it by itself will illustrate to you

all the problems in the film in the first 10, 15 minutes.

And I was thinking to myself, if I ever ran a film class,

if I ever got any sort of respect, and people were like,

Peter, teach us about all the films you’ve absorbed,

and you’ve taken, you’ve analyzed, and you

thought about, put that back out in the world.

Teach these young and up-and-coming people who want to make movies.

What is the right and wrong thing to do?

I think I could do that.

I think I could help some people make better films.

So this is for young and up-coming people who want to,

oh my god, I got a mosquito bite on my bicep, and it is massive.

Like I said, at the beginning, as soon as I got

into a flow, something would go horribly wrong,

and the horribly wrong part was, I looked at my own body.

All right, we can dispense with this stupid joke thing.

I’m not gonna ever teach a film class.

That’s fine.

So we have the opening car chase,

and it’s demonstrative of where the movie went wrong on every aspect.

The primary issues for me are inconsistent tone and too much noise.

And this is visual, it’s action oriented.

The opening of your film is teaching the audience

what they’re supposed to feel and think throughout the rest of the film.

The opening of the film, I would say,

is probably more important than the actual climax of the film,

because it tells me what I’m supposed to know,

and what I need to know about the world we’re inhabiting for the rest of the movie.

It sets up the film.

First, there is all the visual noise.

Then Michael Bay is famous for incredibly fast cuts.

He was a music video director before he became a movie

director, and that clearly has infected his style.

There are rarely moments where you actually get

to look at anything for more than a few seconds.

But the problem with constant quick cuts and penning cameras all the time,

it means no single image will have any real sort of impact.

Your brain, it’s your subconscious is taking things in,

and I actually think that makes it worse in this

case, because my subconscious brain is going,

oh, I don’t like that, I don’t like that, what’s that?

What’s that? I don’t like that.

And so I don’t have a comprehensive feeling for everything that’s going on.

There’s always dirt, spark, it’s inconsistent

lighting, there’s things flashing all the time.

It is visually a mess.

And it’s always shot from a thousand different angles.

And angles are very important for giving audience a sense of where things are.

One of the complaints about the Batman movies, the

Christian Bill Batman movies, was during action scenes.

It was very dark and the camera changed angles constantly.

Now, the director said, I wanted you,

the audience to feel what it would be like to fight

Batman, which would be disorienting and difficult.

The problem is, I’m not fighting Batman.

I’m trying to enjoy a Batman movie.

I want to see Batman do cool stuff.

So I can’t see him and I don’t know where he is.

That’s a problem.

And then there’s the famous trucks driving down the road

and the Joker opens any shoots like, I think a RPG

or something out of the truck at the other truck.

It’s actually very difficult to know which side of the road the trucks are on.

And you might be like, it’s a movie, that doesn’t matter.

But it does spatial awareness is very important for consistency.

Inconsistency in film makes it very hard for the audience

to stay with you because if something feels disjointed,

they feel disjointed and then you lose tension from the action scene.

We’re going to watch some clips.

And I’m going to talk about each clip now.

For the podcast listener, I’ve chosen clips primarily with audio.

But if you want to watch the bright neon green Alpha Romero drive around, I don’t.

It’s an interesting thing.

One of my first complaints was about the Alpha Romero being bright green.

And this is like a getaway scene.

And then Ryan Reynolds actually makes a joke

about the lack of subtlety of the choice of car.

But that said, let’s take a look at the first clip.

I have about seven clips of Underground Six.

Six Underground.

I say it wrong every time.

That’s also another weird, very small problem.

I always say Underground Six, not Six Underground.

That’s bad.

I’m safe.

Get in the car.

She’s bleeding.

I’m aware.

Just drive.

I’m going to smoke these mother’s eyes.

OK, so what has happened is we have been introduced to our characters right away.

They’re in a car.

She’s bleeding.

You can feel it’s very tense.

That’s the initial setup.

This is a tense scene.

It’s very serious.

We have a big problem.

One of our team is bleeding.

Then he says, I’m going to smoke these mother fuckers very aggressively.

That wasn’t too bad.

I was like, that seems like his concern is

less on the survival of his teammate and more

on revenge of the action of what’s coming up next.

So what I’ve been taught as the viewer is that that

woman’s life is less as important than I thought initially.

At first, I thought, oh no, this is a big deal.

She’s been shot.

One of their team is going to die.

That’s clearly a big deal.

His concern is immediately switched off.

And then we get to scene two.

I was covered in the door.

I was shot through a window.

I was too sure.

I went amateur shot.


I know you got shot through the window.

God, that’s so bad.

What kind of lawyer are you?

Definitely going to die.

I don’t know a lawyer with friends in high places.

Maybe mafia friends or something to point us.

We got this.

That’s all that matters.

OK, so we’ve learned a few things in this scene.

Complete– like I’m saying, inconsistent tone, a complete change in tone.

It was very serious a few seconds ago,

because this is all part of the single car chase.

Now we’ve got Ryan Reynolds doing Ryan Reynolds.

He’s like doing quips and he’s talking really fast.

And he’s stating obvious things in a very uncouth way.

You’re bleeding a lot.

You’re definitely going to die.

But there is zero concern for her life.

And he says, out loud, we got this.

This is the only thing that matters.

So what I’ve been taught again is that the actual

life of the person in the back seat does not matter.

So if they die, it’s not going to be a big deal.

It can take a moment to thank you.

There is nothing else I’d rather be doing with my life.

I don’t care.


All right, so there we have the driver– again,

mid-car chase, person bleeding to death in the back,

saying, hey, let’s just have a little aside.

I want to tell you how happy I am to be on this team.

I love this.

This is my life now.

It’s great.

And then Ryan Reynolds turns around and says, I don’t care.

And so I’m learning that this team does not care about each other.

And that could be fine.

If the team is disposable, then that’s fine.

But of course, then we’re going to get to some other stuff.


OK, so what has just happened for those who are actually

listening to the audio version of the podcast

is a big truck just scraped the bright green Alpha Romero.

OK, now they’ve hit a black car.

Now a black car would usually imply the bad guys.

I actually don’t remember if these are bad guys or not.

But there are two guys in that car.

They get exploded.


So now I know that at least the bad guys’ lives

are not worth anything because of the reaction

of the driver of the bright green Alpha Romero.


So he’s enjoying this.

So people dying doesn’t matter.

Enemies dying doesn’t matter.

Again, so this is all contextual for what

I need to know going into the rest of the

film to understand how I’m supposed to feel.

This didn’t bother me yet.

I did feel like this was, again, the sort of the visual cuts and stuff.

I don’t think Michael Bayes really the best director for me.

But I wasn’t annoyed at the film.

That’s coming up very soon.

Let’s get through the rest of the scene, though.


So we have the heavy bass drum kind of sound to give it some intensity.

They’ve just killed some bad guys.

He’s wooed his way into the next party.


So he almost hits some– he almost hits some nuns.


Don’t forgive me.

So that’s just so they could throw a joke in.

He says, the nuns will forgive me.

I knocked them all off their bicycles.

And then the nuns give up and they start flipping them up.

It’s a joke.

I was kind of a throw away.

It seemed unnecessary because, again,

it’s lowering the sense of intensity of this scene.

If it’s a comedy, you could actually go lighter than

this and just have several of these things happen.

But then the next thing that happens– [MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch out for the gun.



Oh, I still had the right of way.

OK, so that was a pedestrian.

So the previous car that got exploded

by getting hit by the truck, there were two guys in it.

They died with a wound.

They had a great time.

That’s actually fine.

If you screw up with ’80s and ’90s action films

like I did, killing bad guys is a good thing.

They’re just fodder.

It’s a visual thing.

You kill as many as you can.

To show how great the heroes are, how capable they are.

Killing innocent people is bad.

Now, I know it’s bad.

Now, in this movie, what’s happened is he’s just hit a pedestrian with a car.

And he’s equipped.

He said, I definitely had the right away.

He’s shown no regret, no remorse.

Because he’s shown no regret, no remorse,

I know that in this universe, no one’s life has any value.

And that becomes very important for the end of this scene.


Oh, it was just the music bug.

We had, again, inconsistent.

We had this heavy-based drums and it was really intense.

And now it’s kind of actually got a bit of a light feel to it.


One for four.

Yeah, go ahead, but four.

We need you.

Cool, she need a bit.

Come here.

And then they have this, again, light introduction of another character.

No one gives a shit.


All right, so what has just happened is the driver has slid out and

he has crashed the car into a loader of some sort with like a fork lift.

And the tines were up and one has gone through him and it is killed the driver.

So we now know that this is important.

The driver is a member of the team, but well, again, what we’ve been

taught the entirety of the film so far is that he does not matter.

No one’s life matters.

And then we get to the burial scene.

So they’re on a boat, they’re going to dispose of the body.

They’re sipping up a plastic bag with his body in it.

One guy is crying, a guy who has just introduced

quite recently, they’re drinking and eating pizza.

Are you crying?

I didn’t even know his name.

We don’t know any names.

What was his name?

It doesn’t matter.

Now what you’ve done just there with one sentence is remove any impact.

So I thought we were going for a tonal shift.

We were going to be like this team cares about each other.

The death of one of the members of the team is important.

He says what’s his name?

They keep each other’s name secret as part of the whole

system that they’ve created within the film itself.

But fuck me.

This guy is dead right in front of you.

Ryan Reynolds faces telling me he’s sad.

The music is telling me I should feel sad and he’s just said who cares?

And if he says who cares, then it’s going to be hard for me to care.

He’s a good man.

Was he a good man?

I mean, he was kind of a dick.

He hit a guy with a car.

I actually see some inconsistencies in the lines that have been

written, which is where I start to blame the writers of this,

not necessarily Ryan Reynolds, because he’s doing what he’s told.

In this next part is the part that pissed me off more than anything else, I think.

While I manage the risk, I’m sorry.

Did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it.

So did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it?

Fucking none of you have demonstrated that you

care about each other in any way whatsoever.

How the fuck are you guys, his family?

And I’m supposed to feel emotional right now.

I feel nothing.

This kid dying meant nothing to me when I watched this film.

And it set it up for the rest of the film.

I don’t care if any of them die.

It doesn’t matter.

And that’s what they’ve established with this

opening car chase in these opening scenes.

What this should be doing is having impact on me.

I should be like going, oh, that team was really tight knit.

They care about each other.

This is a really important moment.

Tears are completely appropriate.


Because what we do know is that no one gives a shit

about each other unless you get to make a quip.

I don’t know if this is a comedy.

If it’s an action movie, it’s a serious movie.

I don’t know.

I’m pretty sure what it wants to be is all three at the same time.

And I’m actually finding that’s why it fails

along with so many other movies because they

actually haven’t decided what they really want to be before they start the movie.

Because you need a main tone or a main theme.

Comedy movies do need serious moments.

They make the comedy sort of more poignant.

Sad movies.

Action movies need breaks in the action to let you breathe and take in a moment of

the scenery and then understand the characters better.

Call a duty the video game.

You’re never going to feel anything about any

of the characters living or dying in a call

a duty because it’s essentially non-stop murder.

What they teach you is that human life has no value.

You’re there to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

So if you die, it doesn’t matter.

That’s okay.

Call a duty is a good game because it said like we’re focusing on one thing.

We’re going to do that one thing really, really well.

You go there.

You go there for the action.

You don’t care about the story.

You go to a movie.

You care about the story.

You go to a story driven video game.

This is me slowly dropping in that we’re going

to be moving on to Guardians of the Galaxy soon.

You care about the story.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be playing a story based game.

Moments break up the film.

But if you have two tones fighting each other throughout the film.

So what we just had was serious action and lighthearted

comedy like ribbing each other back and forth.

Neither can it has a chance to sort of be the

big one and be successful because you need that big feeling to be successful.

Do you remember the movie Handcock?

So Handcock was Will Smith, pre-slapped.

He was a superhero.

He kind of had lost his way in the world.

He was drinking a lot.

It had two mini movies.

It had the first half of the film.

Was a film.

It was a comedy.

It was about this guy who was down and out but had superpowers.

The second one, it was supposed to be a redemption story.

But it changed tone.

It wasn’t funny anymore.

It was a completely serious action hero movie.

If they had stayed with any one of those themes

throughout, I bet they would have had a good movie.

If they’d stayed comedy the whole time, you would have had a good comedy movie.

If they’d stayed serious the whole time, maybe

with quips and stuff, every now and then, it probably would have been, I would say a

massive movie because that’s actually what Marvel does right now.

Marvel movies.

Everyone talks about how like Quippy and Funny They Are.

But if you actually watch the movie and like

take in the overall tone is almost always quite serious.

If I watch the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 movie,

volume 2, pre this podcast so I could have

a sense, how does the game relate to how the

video, to the movie, how does the video game

relate to the movie in their tone and do they have the same problems?

Guardians of the Galaxy 2, the movie, has very little comedy in it.

It has some standout scenes.

Those are all the scenes you’ll see in the commercials.

If you watch the commercials, you will actually

take in the entirety of the comedic offerings

of the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie.

And then I was also thinking about all my friends

have started playing Diablo, the new Diablo 4.

And I have never played Diablo, but I know that

one of the older games has a sort of easter egg.

It goes, there’s a side mission like a portal.

You can go to this other place.

Diablo is a very dark, heavy video game.

The tone is very depressed, it’s very heavy, everything is ominous.

Then it has this portal you can go through

and it’s level, it’s all cows and rainbows and green grass.

And it’s just a joke, it’s a little easter egg.

It came from a joke from a previous game.

That didn’t ruin the game because it was an

easter egg, it was a side bit, it was extra.

You actually could have passed right by it.

The only reason you would have gone there is

if you went their own purpose for a little surprise.

And a little surprise taking you out is awesome.

If that had become the second half of the

game, people would have hated it because it was inconsistent.

Then I thought, okay, what is a movie with

a consistent tone that’s trying to do a very similar thing.

And then I got to John Wick.

The first death of Six Underground demonstrates that nobody cares about anybody.

The world is unfeeling towards human life.

Human life does not matter.

But John Wick is the introduction of John Wick,

the character, he’s very sad, he gets a puppy.

The puppy represents the last vestige of hope

he has because it’s a gift from his recently deceased wife.

They spend nearly 20 minutes setting up that relationship.

It takes a really long time before any action

happens in John Wick if you really think about it.

Because they want to impress upon you the

audience, the incredible value of the life of that dog.

And it’s because that dog’s life in itself has a certain amount of value.

He’s showing that he cares about it.

I mean, at first he’s a little reluctant.

He doesn’t have dog food and stuff.

He doesn’t want to sleep on the bed.

Then of course he wakes up, it’s sleeping in the bed.

It’s all very cute and funny to be honest.

But what’s actually happening is they’re

saying, look, is the only person he’s ever loved is deceased.

She gave him this postmortem.

This is the thing that is pulling him out of

this state of depression and demise that he has fallen into.

Then the guys want to steal the car and then they kill the puppy just to be shitty.

But we as an audience know the value of that puppy to John Wick.

We know the value of it and therefore the impact of that death is more significant.

Therefore, the rampage he goes on for the rest of the film makes perfect sense.

He will not stop because you’ve taken away the only thing he cares about.

It’s just a puppy.

This, 600 grand, is supposed to be a team of

elite people who are all really good at their

jobs and they clearly don’t give a shit about each other.

So when someone dies, it’s like, I’m really the fuck cares.

There is supposed to be a redemption arc

for Ryan Reynolds where he cares at the end.

He starts out saying just leave him behind

but then at the end he’s got a new member who replaces the guy who died.

That guy’s like, I’m never going to leave

someone behind and then he goes, I don’t leave him behind.

I didn’t care.

Because the whole movie taught me that, yeah, does it really matter?

Because it doesn’t.

Because he’s just going to replace someone anyways because they’re just going to die.

Who gives a shit?

I’ve already mentioned 90s movies but it’s Quips and Death.

The only thing that was consistent in sort of 80s, 90s action movies was maybe, if the

hero wasn’t alone, he probably had a best friend.

That best friend died.

What they had done, sure, thousands of other Minion enemies had died around them.

But they had built up the relationships.

So if one of the main characters died, it was going to be significant.

They often didn’t do it in the first film.

It would have been the second film where a main

character, usually best friend or something

dies and that sets off the impetus for the

second film where it’s like a revenge fantasy kind of thing.

But they spent an entire film setting up that relationship.

Again, because back then in those films, they

understood that the relationship between those

characters has to be taught to the audience

as valuable so the break in that value becomes

meaningful, which is where six underground

fails in every aspect because nothing they did was meaningful.

Similar vein, last week I rewatch “Hurt

Locker” and in “Hurt Locker”, the first opening

scene has one death in it, but that sets up for the importance and the stakes of death

in that movie for the rest of the film because

they are very worked up about trying to keep

him alive and then they are very shattered when the first character dies.

And that teaches us as the audience what we are

supposed to care about for the rest of the film.

I have to pee.

You know there’s an average speed at which mammals pee.

It’s like 11 seconds is really normal.

So like an elephant pees on average for 11

seconds, a human pees on average for 11 seconds

and like certain dogs and stuff pee on average.

It’s not, I don’t remember the number exactly, but it’s something like that.

It’s an average, so of course you pee longer

and shorter sometimes, but the average amount

of time for almost all mammals is the same amount of pee time.

Science, someone studied that.

It’s kind of amazing.

Alright, so now we get to another sort of

complaint, again, teaching the audience what you’re supposed to care about.


If you’re a Star Wars fan, solo is pretty offensive.

It’s offensive for me primarily because fuck

those writers who clearly did not understand

what they were talking about when they wrote this film.

Throughout the entirety of all the Star Wars

franchise, there is one consistent and is that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

They are best friends.

And this pissed me off so much.

This is supposed to be the solo story and of course

within that first story is how he meets Chubaka.

He gets thrown in a thing with a wookie and

they’re like, “Haha, the wookie is going to kill that guy.”

And then he speaks a little wookie and then

the wookie doesn’t kill him and then he helps

the wookie escape and they have a blood oath.

You save my life and therefore I will serve you.

That is not friendship.

That is slavery.

Now you can grow friendship out of that because

solo maybe he doesn’t think about, he doesn’t

have any sort of regard for blood oaths because that’s not part of his culture.

And he just treats Chubaka like an equal.

That actually seems to happen right away from the beginning.

But there is no moment where they demonstrate

that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

That Han Solo is willing to risk himself and

his life and all his choices for his friend.

Chubaka is very selfless.

But if he does selfless things what we’re actually

seeing is maybe he’s just doing it because of a blood oath.

There is one scene and it ruined the entire film for me because they’re in a mind.

There are wookies being forced to do work the

minds, they’re slaves and then they have a mission.

They have to go left to go finish the mission.

I don’t know, steal some data.

You go right and go save the wookies.

Han Solo and Chubaka in that film.

Chubaka is like, I gotta go save my people and then Han Solo

is like, we gotta finish the mission or they’re gonna kill us.

And then Chubaka is like, nah man, I gotta do this.

And then Han Solo is like, okay let’s split up.

You go save the wookies.

I will go get the data and finish the mission.

This was the singular missed opportunity to

establish the love between these two characters.

What you need to show is Han Solo being really, really torn up.

Like I have to finish the mission or they’re

going to kill us but my best friend here needs help.

What he should have done was said, fuck it.

Let’s go save your people.

And then if we have time we’ll go get the data together.

So you rewrite that scene where it’s like

Chubaka goes, hey we gotta go save the wookies

and Han Solo goes, no we gotta finish the mission

or they’re gonna kill us and wookies, Chubaka

is like, nah man, fucking wookies are being enslaved right now.

I’m not, I can’t stand for that.

And Han Solo going, we gotta get them, they’re

gonna kill us, we gotta do it, we gotta do the thing.

And then, fuck.

Okay, let’s go save the wookies.

He has that emotional tear where his love for Chubaka

overwhelms or is more valuable to him than his own life.

They go save the wookies and then the wookies

help them take over the data center and then they all escape together.

Good scene, good movie.

We’ve established for the rest of the film.

You don’t even need to do anything else.

You’ve established that Han Solo cares more

for Chubaka’s values than he does for his own life.

And that is what best French is all about.

So, to seem like being a little less than for you what French are up is all about.

So we’re gonna get to the Guardians of the

Galaxy game and everything I’ve said so far, fucking mosquito.

It’s the one who bit my bicep, you motherfucker.

Sorry, the distractions are running hard and fast today.

I need to give you sort of my gamer resume to start.

I think, I think that’s fair because you could

say you just don’t like video games and stuff.

And again, sort of my thing at the beginning

where Michael Bay makes movies for 13 year old boys.

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Suddenly has to go into the water because there’s

this whole sort of subplot of rocket hates to get wet.

He overcomes that fear for the team and stuff.

But I was like, this doesn’t make sense.

If it’s water and I have just been given

freeze powers, I should be freezing the water.

So again, inconsistency makes it difficult for me to care about what’s happening

because what I’ve been taught and what is actually happening don’t match.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

So that is… Is everything about this sucks so much?

That you can hear… This is past the midpoint of the game, I’m pretty sure.

You can hear the despair I have at the fact that they are still talking.

One of my biggest complaints, again, messy.

Now, messy can come in a lot of ways.

There’s visually messy.

There’s a… Orally messy.

Guardians of the Galaxy, to me, is an orally messy game.

I care about what characters say.

I want to hear what the characters say.

I turn on subtitles even when I’m watching, even when I’m

playing a game, so that I don’t miss what characters say.

Because this game is a constant barrage of lines.

It means that the lines get mixed up so much that you actually

start to lose track of what they say is it important or not.

Because so much of what they say is trash, the

little gems of necessity in there get lost.

And all I can say at the end of this is, let’s see if I can hit that part again.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

And to me that was almost my whole experience in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Is they spent so much time talking.

It was so unnecessary.

It was so laborious.

And they just never actually got to the fucking point.

No idea what the darn amount.

That’s fine.

These scenes are so long.

So I have no idea what they’re talking about, but that’s fine.

It’s not the reaction I should be having as a player.

I should care about what’s going on, but at this point, we’re chapter 13.

They’ve lost me completely.

I think I say in the next part what’s important.

Okay, we’re on chapter 13.

There are 13, 14, 15.

So there’s four full chapters left.

That’s how you know a game is good.

You start counting down the chapters to the end.

So what’s happened now is I’ve gotten past the midpoint.

So the point of no return.

I’m going to finish the game.

I’m now actually spite playing it.

I’m playing it because I want to find all the things I hate.

Because I knew I was going to do something like this.

I knew I wanted to do.

By the midpoint, I was like, I need to analyze why I’m

having such a negative visceral reaction to this game.

Because I actually have not hated a game as

much as Guardians of the Galaxy as in my life.

And remember, this is a game that everyone else seems to love.

It has a medocratic score of 80 and a user score of 8.7, which is 87.

That is ridiculous.

Why do I hate it so much?

That’s what I’m trying to get through.

The story itself gets lost in the amount of noise they make and it is constant.

During battles they’re talking, during cutscenes they’re talking.

And it becomes unnecessary to listen to them when they talk.

So you get into this problem where I don’t

care what they say even when it’s important.

Oh, okay.

No, I completely nonsensical once again.

You should never sigh like that when you’re playing a video game.

You should never be exhausted at the beginning or the end of a cutscene.

I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene started

and I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene ended.

Please lost track of what I’m doing to be honest.

Okay, this is, if you’re able to see the screen if you’re

watching on YouTube, a fairly low-key combat moment.

They have, on the screen right now, they have up in the corner.

It says marvelous. They have my health bar.

That’s all pretty normal standard stuff.

They have some green lights that’s health coming back to me.

They have neon flashes.

They have a health bar above the enemy.

This is only two enemies on the screen right now.

I punch him, he punches me.

There’s some guys battling the background.

And what I found very annoying is the visual noise on the screen all the time.

It made it very difficult for me to focus on enemies and what was going on.

You’re supposed to be managing your team as well.

And I found the team management to be laborious

because you had to basically step out of the game.

Click a button and step back in.

The screen was covered and shit the whole time.

And I remember when the first Destiny came out, it bugged me.

It was particle effects.

It was flashing lights.

It was all bright neon.

The screen lit up constantly.

This was clearly, I think this might have been designed for a new

generation of gamer who can take in all that visual information.

So this might be me admitting I’m old.

And maybe that’s where I’m wrong and the game is actually okay.

So all those people who love the game, they’re younger

people who actually like don’t care for all of your stimuli.

But I found that I wanted a better visual understanding

of what was going on on the screen all the time.

And you had to use the right weapon to take down certain shields and stuff.

Flashes, the whole screen turns green.

I’ve lost the ability to remember things.

And there’s one more actually.

Which takes us to the second last boss fight.

The second last boss fight happens in pitch black.

So they actually take everything off the screen.

It’s the exact opposite of what’s been happening the entirety of the game.

The entirety of the game.

Everything’s lit up.

Everything’s bright.

Everything’s flashing at you.

So I think the intent was that we’ll take all that away.

And then you’re going to be like you’ll lose track of the enemies.

It’ll feel very claustrophobic, something like that.

What I actually ended up happening was it was felt exactly the same.

Because overwhelming light and complete lack

of light end up being the exact same feeling.

I’m just trying to finish the game.

I just want to fucking get it over with.

I am waiting for the end of a chapter so I can stop though.

So I would have stopped like 10-15 minutes ago.

Jesus Christ.

Can these scenes go longer?

Can they fucking go longer?

If we just add another 30-40 minutes of this, be great.

And there it is.

A very sincere expression of frustration with

the fact that the cut scenes go on too long.

Because they’re just talking constantly.

Everyone has to have their say.

Everyone has to have their quip.

The Guardians of the Galaxy movie by comparison.

Because you could say maybe Peter, what you hate is Guardians of the Galaxy.

That’s not true.

I enjoyed the first movie.

I enjoyed the second movie.

I watched the second movie in preparation for making this video.

And what I found was there was significantly less dialogue, quipping,

and jokes in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, then you would think.

Because the bits that stand out are the comedy.

The bits that stand out are the comedy because they are chosen.

The time is chosen.

So we’ve just had a very heavy scene.

We’re going to do this and then put in a scene with jokes.

And then we’re going to go out from that and go back

to honestly a very straightforward, serious film.

It’s primarily about man’s relationship with

his father, family, who you choose to be with.

It is heavy stuff.

As I said earlier, if you watch the commercials, if you watch

all the trailers for the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie,

you can watch the entirety of the comedic content in the trailers.

Everything else in the movie is relatively straightforward and serious.

This game failed at that part.

So I ended up clearly in the last part, incredibly

frustrated, because I care about what people say.

So I really want to hear what people say and I want it to be important.

And that is good writing.

You need to actually have people say things that mean stuff because it’s

telling me the audience what I need to think and feel going forward.

I regularly couldn’t hear or it was filtered out because there was

so much noise or it was filtered out because it was so constant.

There was so much constant talking that I actually didn’t hear what anyone said.

Too much is just as bad as not enough.

An inconsistent will mean there is no impact.

They were consistent in the volume, but not the quality.

The good bits and the bad bits, they were just all shit together.

Now I’m going to say that Guardians of the Galaxy, the video game is bad.

And I know people are going to say that your opinion is subjective, but

my opinion in this case is objective and if you disagree, you are wrong.

Let’s just see what Ryan Reynolds has to say about this.

None of us will be remembered.

None of us will be remembered in six underground

because it was an inconsistent shitty movie.

And I think Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is going to

be very forgotten very soon because it’s a bunch of noise.

It’s a terrible game and I hate it so much that I

actually hope that developer doesn’t make another game.

I don’t know how to finish now.

I don’t think I wrote an ending.

I think I don’t wish anything bad on actual people.

Whoever was sitting down writing that game and

said, “So there must have been a production day.”

And they were like, “We need to have them speaking nonsensically,

constantly because that’s the nature of the character.”

Those guys were wrong and they shouldn’t be allowed to write anymore.

I don’t want them to not have jobs and not be able to eat and stuff.

I do want them to never write another script.


Superhero Speculation

The comic mentioned in the podcast


The name everybody knows, that’s Superman.

And it’s a question I’ve had since I was a kid, and it’s essentially how the

Superman fly.

In the early, early comics, which I haven’t read a lot of them, but I know

the very first few, just because I’ve read them on the Internet.

Superman doesn’t start flying. He starts by jumping, and that’s where you

get the leaps tall buildings phrase.

Just fine. So that’s something he’s learned how to do over time, is fly.

So it’s something he’s learned to control. It’s something he’s developed. It

‘s a skill, let’s say.

We also know that his physiology is very similar to humans. In that, he’s

got two legs, two arms, and his external body seems similar.

I did see a comic on the Internet where he was able to have sex with Lois

Lane, and his penis had pincers, and she was shocked.

It was a good comic. I’ll link to that if I can find it.

But basically, we could take that his internal systems are similar.

Of course, much more difficult to damage. He’s much stronger. But it’s never

been said that he has two hearts or four stomachs or anything particularly

unusual about him.

He’s just a humanoid. He is an alien, but basically he’s similar to us.

What I’ve always found interesting is that

he has to have some form of propulsion.

The only reason I know that is because he can change speeds. He can fly, and

then something exciting or dangerous happens, and he starts flying faster.

So there’s a push there, and it’s not coming from his arms. He puts his arms

out, and it seems more for stabilization purposes.

And his not like his legs, his legs seem to just trail behind him. He has

also been seen to hover.

And that to me was the clue as to what was going on, because then he’s

clearly not using his arms. He’s not using his legs because his legs have

actually seen images of him sort of in an almost a sitting position.

But his legs are not controlling, or his legs don’t seem to be controlling

his stable position in the sky.

So that means there is something pushing downwards to counteract gravity.

The image that came to mind was sort of those jump jets where the engines

pushed straight down, and then the wings turned and then they fly off.

We do know that one of his skills is what is referred to as super breath, so

he can blow out air really, really strong for a long time at a very, very

low temperature and freeze things.

And that would indicate that he has incredible control over the amount of

oxygen that goes into his body, which leads me to the conclusion that the

way Superman flies is by blowing air out his sphincter.

And that would also account for control speed. He could clench and it would

slow down and he could push harder and go faster.

When he’s doing his super breath, this is actually sort of a side issue. He.

does it for a very long time.

And we know that his lungs don’t have infinite capacity simply because they

‘re contained within his body, which means if he’s blowing for an extended

period, he has to be taking that air from another source, which makes me

think that he’s pulling air in through

his butt and blowing it out his mouth .

And the reverse could be true. He’s

taking air in through his mouth and nose.

and blowing it out his anus. And that is how Superman could fly.

Now, no one in the comics is ever complained about a smell because that

would lead to too many questions. I think

there are two possible reasons for this.

One, there’s the imminent threat of violence. I mean, you’re not going to

walk up to what is essentially a god on earth and telling him that when he

flies around, it really stinks.

But more logically, because it’s not really a fart, it’s not like student is

stomach, it’s just air blowing through

it, wouldn’t really have any smell at all.

Or because of his alien physiology, it smells great. It could smell like

mint. Superman flies by and there’s a nice minty aroma afterwards, which

would be great.

In one conversation, I even suggested that perhaps he farts ozone and is

therefore repairing the ozone layer as he flies around.

People have come up with counter arguments, but they always start bringing

in some pretty fantastic elements, whereas

this is a very basic solution to the problem.

And it takes into account his physiology

being similar to a human’s and does.

explain how he can modulate his speeds.

If you have a counter theory, please

feel free to post it and I’ll ignore that.

Wolverine. So he’s a mutant and that’s where he gets his healing abilities.

And we also know that in his forearms, there are sort of extra bones that

can come out and act like claws.

Later on as part of a military experiment, they decided to cover his whole.

skeleton in adamantium, which is cool because now he has like silver blades

that come out the front of his hand.

He was able to survive this process primarily because of his amazing healing

ability. It leads me to one question, which is why are his teeth not silver?

Because if they covered his whole skeleton in adamantium, why would you stop

at covering his teeth?

So we’re talking about his spine, his skull, his arms, his legs, all those.

bones. And it would seem like it would be more difficult to cover parts of

his skull rather than the whole skull, which would include his teeth.

So it seems to me that Wolverine should have

silver teeth. And that’s pretty much it.

The Hulk’s rapid expansion and contraction when he changes from Bruce Banner

to the Hulk. And the first question is when he goes from what seems to be an

average sized man to essentially a colossus of sorts, where does all that

material come from?

Now I actually came up with an interesting answer for this because it

actually what I really want to talk about is the second part.

But I have two ideas. One, it’s a form of photosynthesis, which is why he’s

green, which ties that in together really nicely because it gives him a

reason for being green as opposed to

the fact that that was just a cheap ink .

Or he just absorbs the water and material in the air around him. So he’s

just absorbing oxygen and hydrogen and water and anything that’s in the air

to convert that rapidly into new material,

which is what his body is composed of.

Most of our body is composed of water anyways. So just taking water from the

air and expanding your muscles and stuff would actually make a certain

amount of sense.

That’s great. So I could actually accept either of those answers. I’m sure

there’s some other ones to be great, but material just doesn’t happen. It.

just doesn’t exist out of nothing.

That leads to a slightly more disturbing secondary question of where does

all that material go after he shrinks down again.

The process of him going from being the Hulk to Bruce Banner again takes

only a matter of seconds. So that extra material has to be flushed out of

his system really quickly.

And that is sort of my first clue as to what should happen. Because to me in

my head, because it’s probably water or something like water, amino acids

and stuff, it’s liquid.

And we don’t see him vomit, although I think that would actually be really


To me, it seems that when the Hulk shrinks down into Bruce Banner, he should

almost instantaneously take a massive pee. Or probably more realistically,

he should take a massive liquid poop.

Now no one wants to see that. No one wants to draw that into a cartoon. And

that’s fine. But my thinking is that the

matter has to be absorbed into his body.

He becomes huge when he shrinks down.

That matter has to be disposed of. And.

that’s again, it’s something really gross that one of the things that they

don’t want to add into a column for kids.

Now one of my co-workers actually started discussing quantum states and the

distance between atoms and how that we are made up of mostly nothing.

Which is a fair claim. I didn’t like it

because it wasn’t as funny as taking.

a poop. But I brought that as a question

to a friend of mine who studied physics.

And he brought up the issue of if that’s how he expands and contracts, there

are two issues. One is the massive instability it would create.

And that would basically mean that he could be when expanding. He could just

keep expanding and explode. It would be like a nuclear bomb.

That would be an interesting story because it could be if he gets too angry.

So he gets angry and that sets off this process. If he gets too angry, it

just keeps going and he gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I actually don’t

know if that’s what happens.

So does the level of anger change how much of a hulk he becomes? It doesn’t

seem that way. It seems he becomes just state A gets angry and then state B.

The more terrifying aspect of this is when he shrinks down, he should

generate a massive amount of heat and just burn the whole area around him

because all that all that energy has to go somewhere because as he contracts

that the problem occurs that that energy has to go somewhere.

So it’s the same problem as I have earlier. Only I was using sort of

physical matter. If you do it with just

energy, that energy still has to go somewhere.

So yeah, every time he shrinks down, just a massive burn whole around him

and anyone close to him dies. Kind of interesting, to be honest.

Or, and this was the most interesting part to me was that if he collapsed

and just kept collapsing, he could actually become a singularity and develop

into a black hole.

So, this stability becomes a big issue when you start messing with quantum

space. And again, my coworker said that he’s a unique individual but humans

by nature change over time.

And that’s what my physicist friend said, which means yes, he was stable

when it happened at first, but over time his state would change, therefore

making him more unstable.

Which, to be honest, he’s a great storyline. So if Marvel wants to pick that

up, you know, just all I want is a finder’s fee. I don’t really, I don’t

expect a huge payday for this.

But again, if you have any theories as to what happens when the Hulk

particularly shrinks, it’s a bit I’m more interested in. I’d like to see it

in the comments.


Elden Quiz

Quiz available at :

What you’re about to watch or listen to is a quiz done by Mr. Warmhands for

me about the video game,

Elden Ring, Elden Ring, part of the Dark Souls universe. It is known for its

esoteric storytelling.

I spent more than 130 hours in this game. There may be spoilers. I just want

to be aware of that.

But probably not because most of the time I don’t know anything. That’s

actually kind of the point

of the quiz. I spent a huge amount of time in this world, took in everything

and yet took in nothing.

The quiz is going to be made available at If you’d like

to download it and

play it with your friends, we’re absolutely

welcome to. These enjoy the quiz .

So we are bidding everyone a welcome to Stamina Day. May 14th is of course

everyone knows Stamina

Day, where you dodge roll out of bed and enjoy the first eye frames of the

day and then go and

praise the sun. I have my estus flask full of isoom estus. What is the

liquid they put in it?

I don’t actually know. Mr. Warmhands is with me. Hello. Hello. Hello. Do you

know that estus is

your calories? I did not. Wow. She drink more. Yeah. I mean, you drink it

all the time. He

don’t gain any weight. It’s great. I’m always worried about running out

though. I don’t know if it’s.

it. I’m just gonna wait. To wait for the bonfire. We celebrate. On Stamina

Day, we celebrate all builds.

Be they decks or strength or magic. Not so much arcane. You must collect

your souls, your echoes,

your runes. They’re all the same thing but they’re all different. I

celebrate souls more than anything

else because I am orthodox. Mr. Warmhands, what what what what what den

omination are you? I am of

the blood echoes. Oh blood echoes. Yes. There’s also the room room

collectors but of course on Stamina

Day, all are welcome. We all celebrate the

same thing. It needs to challenge ourselves.

And my understanding is that you, brother Warmhands, have prepared a game

for me today.

Challenge me. Is it challenging? Oh yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. Get ready to resp

awn many times.

Fuck. Because okay, we can establish one thing beforehand. I’m not I’m dumb.

Well, I’m not dumb.

I think I think the way my brain stores information is different. Right?

Because like I remember,

so we’ve talked about many games and many many movies. I have I understand

everything but I also

understand nothing. Is that makes sense? You’re like a skim reader of life.

Oh maybe. Yeah.

But I do I do. I have noticed that I recontextualize everything so that I

can remember it.

So the classic being when you talked about

the lady in the library, the big tall lady.

Yeah, but let’s not bring that up yet. Oh, I was because this was a one of

Mr. Blumentkats.

We’re not going to get to it. Okay. We’re going to get to it. Before we

start, drag just dropped in.

Hello, drag. I don’t want to ignore you. But we’re going to play an Elden

Ring quiz game.

Feel free to drop your answers in. I bet drag. He’s like new game plus 75 or


Yeah. What denomination of the soul’s faith

is he? Yes. Are you orthodox dark souls?

Are you sort of one of the newer denominations? Are you bloodborne? I assume

you’re Elden Ring.

Because he seems to have played Elden Ring like a billion times.

He literally could walk me to things when I was playing and I got lost.

Yeah, I worship at the healing church. Oh,

the healing church is pretty good though.

I do love some. So because I started and it was the whole process for me

started with I played Dark Souls

two, one and three in that order because I got Dark Souls two super cheap

and I heard it was

essentially the worst one. So I played it first and if I figured if I liked

that, I would like the

other ones even more. And then I played Dark Souls one and then I played

Dark Souls three.

Oh, drag says he is Elden only. So he is a room collector.

Well, please, if you have time to hang out, please hang out and enjoy Mr. W

ormhands has made a quiz

and we’re going to quiz my knowledge of Elden Ring knowing that I at this

same time know everything.

and nothing. I’m very zen. Yeah. It’s very yin Yang of me to know everything

and nothing. So.

what format is the game? Is this multiple choice? There are five rounds.

And they are based on categories. It is not multiple choice. But there are

multiple answers that you

can give and you don’t have to give all of them. Oh, excellent. Oh, I might

actually have a chance then.

Yeah. So this is challenging but fair, much like the more life that we live.

And oh, I have just realized I do not have a method of keeping your score.

You can drop it into chat. I can drop it into chat. Well done. I do have a

method of keeping score.

Yeah. And then it’s public too. So everyone

can see how shit I am at everything.

Which is what we’re here for. Again, we’re celebrating the constant deaths

you have to experience

before you succeed. And that is how I live all life. That’s right. If only

you had that super power.

Yes, actually, that is the best one. Do

you know that in all the Soulsborne games,

your death is actually permanent? It’s like a alternate. Well, yeah, they

established that you live

in a multiverse. So when you die, that is the end of that story. And then

when you’re reborn,

you’re reborn in a whole new universe from the same point, which is why

everything is the same,

but slightly different. And then you can move on to succeed. So think about

every single death.

in a Soulsborne game is actually the end of that universe in a way. Because.

that universe does

not succeed. You don’t get to the final challenge. However many deaths I had

in Elden Ring,

the fate of those worlds is in jeopardy.

Yeah. Are you ready? I am full of estus.

Full of estus. Vigged up. I’ve buffed myself. All right. I’m ready. Then let

‘s begin with round one.

Oh, nice name. Row, what? Name already failed. I know. Okay. Before we start

, I think I know two names.

Wow. Well, we’re going to put two names. He’s not going to get you very far,

my friend.

Shit. All right. Let’s go. Let’s do it. Question number one. Name three. Sh


Shardbearers are those. Okay. Okay.

No, no, no, no, no. There’s, there’s, uh ,

dude in the castle. Dude in the castle. Dude in the castle. So there’s,

there’s, there’s, uh, I think

is God freed. Is he stand outside or he’s in the castle? No. Fuck. Uh, there

‘s the dude in the castle

has one. There’s the dude stands outside

the door of the castle. He’s a twat.

. He’s, he pulls, he

is a twat. He pulls his arm off and puts a dragon on and he was just

absolute disliked him a lot.

There’s Rani. Yes. Does she not have a shirt? That’s literally like the kids

of the Elden God.

All right. So you’ve given me two attempts so far and failed on both. Okay.

I’m going to tell you

there are seven. Sh, fuck. You haven’t named, you were close with one of

them. God, no, Rani. No. How

was Rani? No, how can I be close with one if I only named two? It’s God

something. God, Rick. Oh,

okay. We got one. Oh, that is actually better than I expected. I know, I

know a lot of the naming

conventions use G and M for, for George R. Okay. Um, God freed. God, Rick.

God, Rick also.

No, two names. That’s one. The chicken library. The chicken, the library.

Okay. She’s, she’s big magic

baby. Yeah. Okay. What’s a real name? I know, Clue. I, because I know what

you’re trying to say when

you said it earlier, but you’re not quite there. Not big magic baby. No, but

you still got five more.

There’s no way I don’t have five names from the game. No, no. Final answer.

Yeah. God, right. So God,

Rick, you get, you get one point out of three. Okay. One point out of three.

Your answers could have been.

I’m already in fractions. Renala, who is big magic baby? Big magic baby. Yes

. Renala, I knew that.

General Radan. Oh, he’s big man, small horse. Big man, small horse. Yes.

Okay. He’d have had

Reichard. Oh, I kind of know who he is. Yeah. Snakey, body, boy, shelter.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Snakeman. Yeah. More God. More God is a name I have heard many times. Is he

the, the castle?

He’s the dude who stands outside the castle, the first like big boss you

fight. Yeah. He’s called

Marget then. And he is not the Shard bearer. It’s more God who is in the

throne room of,

oh, it’s the same dude outside and inside. Yeah, but it’s, yeah. No, yeah.

Okay. Then you have

Malania. Or Malania, I know, but I keep calling her Melania for Trump’s wife

. Melania. Yeah.

Melania is right. I think Melania. Melania. Melania. Okay. Whatever. And

then you also have Mogue.

Ah, Mogue is the big, the big dude. Corns. Essentially the devil, yeah. Yeah

. The blood guy. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So those are the seven you could have had. Okay. It’s three I wanted. Yes.

No, no chance.

All right. So question number two. Yes.

Is that round one? There’s still round one.

Fuck. Still round one. Name three areas.

Oh, Kaly. There are so many. There ‘s Kaly.

Kaly. Okay. Good. There’s a Lauren. The run. No, there’s the volcano castle.

It’s an area. No, I’m gonna take it. Oh, okay. The volcano manor is the,

okay. There we go. The volcano manor.

Is, is on the snowy giant area. So there’s a giant peak.

And snowy giant’s peak. It just sounds

weird. These extra snowy giant’s peak .

It is the giant plateau. It is, there is a plateau. There is a plateau. It’s

not giant.

There is, there is the capital city.

Okay. What’s its name? Capital city. No .

The capital, the, the capital, the, the, the capital. There’s the, okay. You

start out in the planes.

This is, oh gosh. Show you how my brain works. We start out in the planes

and we go to the area

off to the left is the, the, the swamp. And then there’s sort of that like

wet area with the

university. And then you go up to mountains at the top and you have like the

, the very nice,

when you get up that, that big elevator that I didn’t go up, I actually went

around behind.

That’s the plateau. Atlas plateau. Oh, we found three. I’m excellent. We got

three. I don’t even know

why I remember Atlas all of a sudden. It’s not like I ever used that name.

Well done. I’m pretty proud

of myself. So once I thought you might have remembered where like Limgrave,

which is the planes

that you were talking about. Then the swampy

castle areas, Learnia of the lakes. Okay.

Farum Azula. Oh, so Learnia is probably Laurent in my head for some reason.

Then the capital is Lindell. Lindell. Okay. Yeah. And then you’ve got like

the deep root depths.

Where’s kind of a popular area? Like, wow. Very low underground. Obviously.

Oh yeah, no, no, no. Okay,

I spent a lot of time there. The eternal city. The eternal city. It is. It

is that last forever.

Yes. Then there was Ansel River. I thought you might remember too. No. All

right. No, it’s just

the river. Well, but I’m impressed. Okay. Three. Well done. Oh, no, I’m

pretty happy about that.

All right. So last, last question in round

one. Okay. I’m ready. Name three NPCs.

Millicent. Millicent. Okay. Because she was the last one. I actually really

cared about trying to

finish her mission. A quest, yeah. There’s

the salesman, no face guy at the beginning.

I finished his questline too. He was just sales dude. Well, don’t drag, drag

through it.

Ronnie, she’s not an NPC though. She’s like a quest giver. She’s like big.

Maybe the way I think

about NPCs is different. There’s the Chiku eats eyes. There’s Millicent.

There’s the Chiku sits

around the wolf. There’s the daughter who dies. She wants you to go in and

say hello to the jelly

fish and shit. She turns into a jellyfish later. Her dad, there’s the guy

you meet. He’s a nobleman

and he kind of looks down on you because you’re tarnished and then you go to

his castle and his

castle is all like wrecked. Okay. I’m not getting any names here. No, no, no

, no, no, no. I’m working on

it because maybe one will come to me. This salesman. They’re the one that

drags mentioning at the

church and the one that you mentioned that you first meet. Then you do his

quest, not the same person.

No, they’re not. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s talking about one that begins

with K and you’re

talking about one that begins with a different letter. Not K. Yeah. I’m just

trying to get a list of

NPCs that I, oh, oh, there’s a wolf boy. He’s like big. He’s important. He’s

runny’s dude. She’s

like a piece of her soul is all in him or vice versa. He’s made for her. But

the truth is I was made

for her and he, he’s just second here in the way. Yeah. Yeah. Oh god damn.

He’s not Wolfenstein,

which is what I was going to do. When I played the game, it was like go find

Wolfenstein and I,

I had it locked in. You’ve got one so far. There are many. I’ve been like

eight down, but there’s so many.

Yeah, no, no, I bet I know them all. I just don’t know their names. There’s

big round dude. There’s

the big jarhead guy. Yeah. A patch is in there. Okay, I’ll take, because he

‘s in every game. So I can

always just say patches. Yeah. You’re on two. I got two and I got to get one

more. And I’m not

going to say runny because drag put it in the chat. But ranny is an NPC.

Absolutely. Yeah, she,

I, because I, I considered her more important than an NPC. Only because, oh,

and then there’s,

there’s fade in fade out chick who talks to you at the, at the fires. She

legit fades in and

fades out when you talk to her. Oh, can you don’t remember her name? She

tries to give you a car.

Yeah. Yeah. No, she does. She does give you a car. Yeah. And the cold sir,

sir, sir canter’s a lot.

Second is a lot. Yeah. I do know his name is Torrent. Is Torrent an NPC? No,

he’s, I wouldn’t count him

as an NPC. He’s got any with you the whole time. That’s not. No, Mildred. M

ildred. I feel, oh, I

didn’t write her down, but I feel like Mildred is an NPC. I just remember

that name, not who she is.

This is literally the opposite. I remember everyone else in not their name.

I remember this name,

but not who that is. No, I think she is the one who does your, no, no, maybe

not, no, I’m not

finding it. Elder Mildred. Well, if Ronnie’s

an NPC, then Chubby Sorcerer is also an NPC.

There is an invader who’s called Manita Mildred. No, okay. So that’s it.

Because I remember her,

I’ve been here. Because you have to fight her three times to get something.

I’m not counting her.

Okay, fair enough. Because MPCs, you generally kind of don’t fight, right?

Yeah, the shithead’s

Sorcerer who works for Ronnie. Oh, yeah. I’m just going through all the ones

I kind of dealt with.

There was the Sorcerer who, the lady who teaches you magic underground. Yeah

, she gets killed. There’s

a guy hunting her. Oh, there’s the Dung Eater. Oh, okay. That’s a name I can

‘t even think of a name

because he is just the Dung Eater. Less his name. Yeah, the Dung Eater. I

know. I know. But I couldn’t

have made up a better name because that was literally sort of my name and

convention. He actually

follows it. It’s not a name. It’s like a description of what he is. Yeah.

The guy I think you were talking

about at the beginning with the white mask. Yeah, he wears a mask and he’s

the first person you talk to

when you get in. His name’s Vare. Oh, yeah.

Then Wolf and Stein is Blife. Bl ife. Blife?

It’s Swells. It’s spelled B-L-I-D-D, but it’s pronounced Blife. Oh, okay.

Then… Never caught on to that. Smithing

Master Hug. I thought you’d remember him.

Smithing Master Hug is

pretty… I really liked him too. And then there’s also that big tall black

Smith who EG. Yeah, who also

works for… Yeah, it’s like a Japanese name. Yeah. I actually, I might have

remembered him if I

remembered. Okay. So these are the ones I thought you might remember. And

then the Ieating Lady was

Hayata. Hayata. Now that you’re saying the name, I’m like, yes, that’s

correct. Then there was the

deathbed maiden who’s called Fia. Yeah, and you hug her. Yeah, and there was

D. Who’s D? D

we had the Wiyadama with the body on it. Oh, with the head on it. Oh, yeah.

I never interacted with

him in any real way. Oh, and then standing across from him was the other

sorcerer dude who got

kicked out of school. No, that’s from a church. There’s a there’s a sorcerer

you can meet and he got

kicked out of the university and he couldn’t get back in because of the

shield. And then you can

let him back in. But I never met him again. Yeah, that’s not… He’s not in

the roundtable hole.

No, no, I’m confusing to people because there’s another sorcerer and then he

like starts wandering out

in the world. You can meet him a couple times, but he never… He’s called

…Ops. Yeah, he never did

anything significant that from in my playthrough. Well, if you’re in the

academy, you can find another

key into the academy. You can go back and give it to him. What to him? Yeah,

I gave it… I got the

I got the guy who was who was locked out. I got him back in. Yeah, and then

you find him dead inside

the academy layer. Oh, yeah. If you give him the key. Yeah, I’m kind of glad

. Oh, well, I never saw him

again. There was Roger, sorcerer, Roger. Yes. Yeah, there was Bok. Seems,

seems, seems to Bok.

I like him. Yeah. He’s the Harry Potter guy, the little like… The little

ratty. Yeah, yeah, I like

him actually quite a lot. And then there was floaty, it disappearedy lady.

Come on. Melina. Melina.

Then I think the names are too similar, maybe, is one of the issues. I think

you just skimmyed life.

I do my own my own short form of existence.

So round one total, you got seven,

about a nine, not bad. That’s a past,

though, yeah. I mean, we’re just going on…

This is whatever. Yeah. We’ll just say

how many points you get. It doesn’t …

Oh, I know. It’s a game. It’s fun. Yeah. All right. And this one, I had a

lot of fun making this one.

I had a lot of fun making this one. And I don’t know how you’re going to do.

I guarantee poorly.

Round two is enemy or metal band. I’m

ready. I’m so ready for this. So number one,

Miss Begotten or Pig Destroyer.


Am I supposed to say they’re both enemies

or ones in enemy and ones in metal ?

One is an enemy, one is a metal band. And you have to tell me the enemy.

Miss Begotten is a metal band. You are incorrect, my friend.

Fuck. Pig Destroyer is the enemy. It’s the metal band.

And Miss Begotten is… Okay. Okay.

Yeah. You’ve got those Leoni Miss Begotten who jumps around, gives you that

sword with the big swords, like the Game of Thrones reference sword.

Yep. Yep. Okay.

All right. Number two.

Ready. I am ready now. Okay. Black tongue or mad pumpkin head.

Mad pumpkin head is an enemy.

You got that one. Correct, my friend. I’ll put some dings in as well.

Yeah. It’s a celebration. Celebratory sounds or something or some dings.

All right. Number three. Oh, I did my ad. That’s fine.

Number three. Warhawk or hate beak.

That’s tough. Warhawk. Yeah. Or hate beak. Yes.

I think warhawk is an enemy. My friend, you are correct.

Yes. Okay.

I am not a parrot.

This is pretty good. I’m enjoying this. I’m having a good time.

I’m enjoying this. This is a… I’ll type this up afterwards and we can post

it on the Internet for people other

people to do. Okay. All right. Number four.

Vale of Maya or Miranda Sprout. Vale of Maya is an enemy.

My friend, you are incorrect.

It’s tough. Vale of Maya is a metal core band. Okay. Metal core.

As in… they’re all metal cores.

Okay. As in the center of them is Isian.

Yeah. Yeah. I sent you that dwarf metal.

I’d already heard it, but yeah. I loved it. Yeah. Okay. You can’t surprise

me with metal.

I didn’t think I could. I just enjoyed… I discovered it.

No, it’s fun. There’s a lot of subcategories

you might like. Pirate Metal’s good.

Anyway. Okay. A subject for another day. Yep.

All right. Next question.

Fanged Imp or Orange Goblin?

Fanged Imp is an enemy.

My friend. You are correct.

You’ve actually created tension with the My Friend because it sounds like I

got it right.

I’m not sure. Okay. Good.

All right. Last one in this round.

School of Graven Mages or Brand of Sacrifice.

Brand of Sacrifice is a metal band.

You are correct.

You did really well in that round.

I’m going on the things that I’ve never

heard before. It must be the metal band.

Okay. That’s why I try to choose obscure enemy names.

Yeah. Because I figured you definitely don’t know any enemy names.

No. No. No. The only one… Again, even the ones I remember, enemy wise, I

don’t know the names.

Like the Giants. I just… Guys who need pants. That is literally…

I figure the reason they’re so angry is because they have no pants on.

No pants. Well, they go giant spike through their chest too.

A lot of them do. The ones who are pulling those carts, they have

chance spikes through the chest. That’s awful.

No, it can’t be. It can’t be much fun.

All right. Well done. For Aztecs. I’m pleased.

You’re like in the higher. I thought you’d

be under 50% on everything but you’re over.

I thought I would be as well. Well done.

Yeah. I took in more…

As the Estus.

It’s the Estus.

Yes, yes.

All right. So round three is just a general knowledge round.

This isn’t going to be bad.

This will be the bad one.

Sort of about story beats and stuff like that.

And maybe some dialogue stuff.

Oh, dialogue will work out.

Yeah. All right. Well, let’s see. We’ve got four questions.


Question number one.

What are the two fingers to the greater will?

Oh, the two fingers… So, the two fingers

are in the round table in the back room.

And I didn’t engage with them very much. I went and chatted with them once.

They are… They’d like to tell the future.

And so they are part of the greater will. How about that?

But what are they to the greater will?

What are they?

A part doesn’t really answer anything.

They communicate to the physical world, which is not correct, because I just

made that up.

I will take that. They are messengers for the greater will.


Yeah, because I do see them as a bridge, but I couldn’t really…

Because they also kind of tell the future.

No, they just communicate with the great will, or pass along its messages.


And we can’t understand them.

So the finger reader crones sit there.

And they translate the messages.

Those ladies are creepy.

Yes, they are.

That’s actually one of the creepier questions.

The fingers are creepy.

The fingers didn’t bug me as much as the old ladies.

I was not prepared when I first walked in

there, and I was hearing about the fingers,

the two fingers. I was just expecting

like five people, and then two of them .

As I was like, “Oh, you know, or representative of the…”


And then I walked in and I was like, “This literally just two fingers.”.

I kept thinking the old lady was going to suck one of my fingers.

It’s like to communicate.

Yeah, because she was like, “Give me your hand. Let me do my job.”

And then she would like, “Look at it really close.”

I was like, “She’s going to like it. She’s going to like it.”

If I had been writing that game, I would have been like one,

like the one on a bridge in the wilderness that maybe you could miss.

She’ll like just go, “Kick, kick, kick.”.

He’ll look to the God.

Well, let’s be thankful you don’t work it from software.

Oh, I’m trying.

If they see this video, they’re going to be like,

“Well, that guy, we need that guy on board for a story 10-100%.”

All right, number two.


What does the Dungita want to do to you?

Defile you.

Defile specifically.

I can get this one.

Defile your forms.


So he has to kill you first and then defile you, which is weirdly worse.

Because you’re dead, you think you wouldn’t care because you’re dead.

But it’s like… He’s told me.

And oh… Yeah, he… If he just killed me and not mentioned the defilement,

I probably… Yeah.

Like it sucks that I’m dead, but… And knowing what he’s going to do it.

That was exactly what I wanted to defile you.

Oh, defile you.

I had a feeling you’d get that one.

Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that it’s so out of hand, I enjoy it.


Like just just just like… Or this is awful and does not make sense.

I love it.

All right, question number three.

“How are Radagon and Marika related?”

Radagon was a general.

What is another person’s name?



I’m trying to remember who that is.

I think she is the queen, the vessel of the greater will.

She is the stakes of Marika everywhere.

She’s the one on the… The Rudolph.

He was her general.

And during that war that we don’t experience, because it happened probably

like a millennia ago.

Because in all these stories, everything’s a millennia ago.

He Rose against her?

No, I got that all wrong.

I’m going to say it, but I think I’m 100% I’m pretty sure I’m wrong.

Because either they fought against…

They fought together against something or he turned on her.

Okay, but I just want to know how they’re related.

Oh, it’s… It’s… I didn’t think they were family.

I thought he was like a general in her army.


You know, it doesn’t have to be family.

Yeah, yeah.

He’s her general.


This would be my answer.

All right.

Well, I mean, you’re not wrong, but you’re also not right.


They are the same person.

They do that a lot in this game.

Yeah, Radigun and Marika are the same person.

Because why the hell not?

Well, because they do have the chick who eats eyes is the same body as the

girl who dies, isn’t it?

Yeah, I think she gets possessed by… I can’t remember.

I actually can’t remember that.

They don’t make it really, I don’t remember.

Because she’s the daughter and she dies

pretty quick and then the dad wants revenge.

They just use the same character model,

but implying that it’s a difference…

It’s someone else’s inside them.

Yeah, different souls taken over the body, which is interesting.

Because they don’t actually go into it.

Which I can’t quite enjoy it.

Radigun and Marika actually had children together.


Wait, wait.

So that’s weird.

The same person and then had kids.

I guess Loki, do you know the story of Loki’s birth to seven-legged horse?

And Fenrir, right?


Is it Sun?


No, it’s all very weird with gods.

I guess they just can do whatever, right?

Talking of gods, question number four.

Yes, please.

How many gods are mentioned or referenced in Elden Ring?

Well, I could answer it in the Christian way as in many are one.

Would you hear incorrect?

Like, incredibly incorrect.

There’s a lot though I think in Elden Ring.

Because there’s…

Because there’s like, “Ah, no, there’s no, I could say any number, it’s

going to be wrong.”

No, you couldn’t.

There is one number that’s right.

I’m going to say one.



Because there is the god and everything else is like an offshoot.

You got to get me god’s shit.

I know what you’re saying.


But I have no confidence in my answer though.

If you ask me to explain it, it would be very wrong.

Well, I mean, technically, there are 12.


Some of them are more obscure and you have to kind of really go through and

find the references.

But there are some big ones that I thought you’d think of.

The greater will.

The greater will I kind of have a vague sense of.

Then there’s the frenzied flame.

The frenzied flame, I do know.

See, to me, the frenzied flame was a church.

But I guess the church worships a god.

They worship a god, yeah.

Maybe that’s where my brain fell apart.

I bet everything you say, I’m like,

“Oh, that’s a church. That’s a religion .”.

The frenzied flame to me was a religion.

But anyways.

There was the moon.

The other moon, Ronnie’s deal.


The dark moon or whatever it is.

That’s one.

There’s the blood one, the blood mother, the moge worships.



There’s the Scarlet rot.

It’s a god as well.

Yeah, basically everything in.

Elden Ring is like a god.

Scarlet rot is pretty calm and yeah.

Okay, now I’m back on board now.

I would not have gotten the battle.

No, I would get 12.

And there was a few more things like theories that

Melana is the Glomide Queen who is also another.

personification of another god and out of god.

So there’s lots of out of gods all

vying for dominance in this world.

But the greater will is the one that has the the upper hand currently.


And then so my assistance to Ronnie.

was trying to get her in a position where

that her moon god could kind of be the deal.





And then you do the the the frenzy flame

ending and the flame cleanses the world.

Yeah, that’s the mother god ending.

I remember the NPC guy with the hat and he tells you about it.

Like he’s like just burned everything, dude.


I was like I enjoy your passion, but that’s not the path I’m on right now.

No, so there’s a lot of them and they are

all tied into different aspects of the game.

Like there was fear and another one, the death.

Death something.

Well, the yellow because actually a lot of it for me was colors

because there’s the yellow madness one.

And that’s the flame.

Yeah, you can shoot like the laser beams out of your eyes

which didn’t do as much as I wanted it to do.

And then there was yeah, like the the Scarlet rot is red.

Like there were a lot of it was just like to me

and my brain was just kind of color coded.

You’re right.

I think you’re right.


That was it was a good one.

All right, so not bad there.

Yeah, close.


All right, I’m pretty happy with that to be honest.

We’re on to a round that I made to give you points

because I wasn’t sure how you’re going to be doing.

We should do though.

Next time.

I make the quiz using my language and

can you figure out who I’m talking about?

Oh, that would be fun.

That’s just yeah.

Who is Big Magic Baby?

You’re like what?

And I would have to give you some hints but he’s Big Magic Baby.


But also knowing you, I could probably just go,

“Oh yeah, you might actually know, yeah.”

Who’s he hot for?

Oh, it’s if it’s the blue one he wants to have sex with.


All right, so this round four is just called bonus round

because it was supposed to be giving Peter lots of points

because I assumed he would have done terribly.

Well, again, I think it’s the everything and nothing at the same time.

All right, so yeah.

Question number one.

I’m going to, the thing is, this is to

give me points, I’m going to fuck it up.

Nah, I think really?


Okay, let’s find out.

Question number one, what is your mount called?


But I renamed him to Sir Cantor’s a lot.

That’s a good one.


What are the safe points known as in Elden Ring?


I didn’t know this.

Shit is not the right one.

No, I did not.

That’s the my game.

My game is going to be you have to go to a big pile of shit

and sit next to the shit and be like, “Oh, save the game.

Oh, ammonia.”


It’s no, it’s not remembrance.

I fucking know this.

I actually know this.

This is bugging me because I didn’t even like make up a name.

I actually just used the real name.

Fuck me.


I’ve now because you’ve asked the question, I can’t remember.

Because I’m going like bonfire, the lanterns.

I said it throughout.

I need to find a- Ah, fuck no.

It’s the little shard thing I can see it in my head.


So what are you doing, you passing?

I can’t.

I know it.

I know it.

God damn.



This is the give me around.

This is the give me around because I know it.

I know you know I don’t like all the other ones I’m willing to say,

like I don’t know or whatever.

When I say it, you’re literally going to like- I’m going to- I’m going to-

In the face.


Just shit myself with anger.

No, I don’t- It’s not going to come back.

It’s going to come back like after.

Oh, this is too funny.

Don’t tell me now.

Don’t- How about this?

Can we wait?

And then if it comes back, I’ll get it.

And if it- Okay.

I don’t get it.

It’s minus two points.

Well, I mean, I’m giving you a next- Okay.

You can answer it if you want later.

But I- Do I get my point back?

If you don’t tell me.

Okay, then- No.


Or I tell you.


Sites of grace.


And it’s- It’s the most common thing.

It’s the most common thing.

Oh, it’s got tears in my eyes.

Oh god, it’s so painful.


All right.

What is the main currency of Elden Ring?

Oh, I said it already.


I’ll say it again.

I’m not- No, no, because I had no-

It’s runes.

It’s- It was- Because that-

That was- It was-

I actually struggled to remember Blood Echoes.

I remember- I remember it- I remember it’s Souls.

And then I think for all my playthrough, Bloodborne,

I just said, “Oh, you know, the Souls.”

The Souls.

But it’s not.

It’s Blood Echoes.

And then it’s- And then it’s Runes.

Christaduva 4.

It’s still laughing about me.

Sites are great.

Christaduva 4.

What do characters refer to your character as?


But it’s- Yeah, you’re okay.

All right.

And last question in this bonus round.

Yeah, the bonus.

Give me a round.

Thank you.

What are the ghosts that can fight alongside you known as?



Oh, shit.

No, I don’t know.


Because, again, my- Oh, no, I just- I

never- Can’t you use them all the time?

I did, too.

But because I never use the name,

I only ever called them like, like, people you can call in.

We had to use an item to call them in.

Remember what the item was called?


I do know what you mean, though.



No, this sucks.

This sucks.

This is just like, sights are great.

So I’m gonna- I’m gonna be like, of course, I actually know it.

It’s just the vocabulary isn’t-

No, it’s gone.

No, it passed.


All right.

Spirit ashes.

Spirit ashes.

The dumb name.




No, no.

No, I’m not.

I’m not.

I’m just giving five out of five.

Fuck that shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, you can’t take it back.

No, yes, I can.

I’m the quiz master.

Yeah, I’m the- I am the quiz master.

You’re a funny boy.

I need to know things are hard for me to like, get into it.

All right.


Last round.

That’s what she said.


All right.

So this-

This is the last round.

Round five.

Round five.

Which is- Specific.

Oh, shit.


I give up.

Ha, ha, ha.


So there’s two parts to this.


You have the answer to the question.


And then a bonus point for an extra bit of information.


So there’s four questions and eight possible points.



We’ll get zero.

I’m going to do my best.

I’m going to-

I don’t think you will.

You’ve already kind of given me some of the, uh, the- The answer.

It’s interesting.

I’m enjoying that like, you can see

that I know stuff, but I don’t know stuff.

That’s the bar I knew was going to happen.

All right.

And you’ve 30 something hours in that game.


Couldn’t remember sites of grace.


Don’t stop me off again.

All right.

Question number one.


What type of animal is Star Scorch Radan riding on?

Oh, tiny horse.

Good job.



It’s- It’s a- No, no, no.

He actually uses his gravity magic so that he can stay on the horse.

That’s right.


That’s a- That’s a detail.

That’s not what I want.


The detail is what’s the horse’s name?

Oh, fuck off.

Sir Kenters a lot too.


Radan heard your name, a witch.


That’s a good one.

That’s a great name.

He does have a name because he cares about the horse.

That’s why he’s still there.

That’s right.

I’m going to go with Sir Mix a lot.


Because- Actually really close.

I know.

This is it.

I have the element in my brain, but I can’t remember.

No, I can’t remember.

No, the correct answer is Leonard.

Oh, exactly the same as Sir Mix a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

So uh, nice.

Leonard’s a good name for a horse.

It’s like Dave.

I know, right?

Yeah, it’s a good one.


Pull it, Leonard.

I probably that passed by really quick and I thought it was cool,

and then it never comes up again.

I’m not even sure it’s referenced in the game to be perfect.


Yeah, that’s- And then I probably never heard it.


Because I didn’t go lore hunting or anything.

I didn’t like watch any of those.

Vidi videos.

I think it’s on some piece of equipment

somewhere that it mentions his horse.

His name is Leonard, but it’s like a one reference.

A thing I had read is that his gravity magic is so strong

that that’s why he can ride tiny horse.

Yeah, he’s using his gravity magic to not crush the horse.

Because he loves him so much.

Yeah, that’s a lot of power.

I really like me riding Dave.


Yeah, right.

Sorry, drag on to you to give the question again.

What type of animal is Star Scotch Redam sitting on?

Nice and close, which was correct.

And then the detail, the bonus point was for what is the horse’s name?

The baby.

I don’t fucking know.

I did go with Sir Mixalot.

So yeah, I like how you both are in the same direction.

We both went with like rap oriented names.

Hit me. I’m ready.


Three more.

Because I was asking a question when I crashed, right?


So my energy is now back to where it was.

Let’s go.

Oh, okay.

Well, I got to keep it up.

You got to keep it up.

I was, yeah, I’m 50.

I got to keep it up.

All right, let’s do it.

I also say that at 50 when I’m trying to keep it up.

Let’s do it.

Frazing is going to be the rest of the quick.

Let’s do it.

It’s quick before it gets soft.

So where were you?

Question number two.

Yes, please.

What is Ranaala holding after you beat her?

So Ranaala is big magic baby.

Oh, she’s holding like a crystallist thing.

And that’s where you go to respect your character.

So it’s this like gold seed.

Crystalist egg baby thing.

A gold seed.

Yeah, is it final answer?

I’m going to go it’s a glowing golden.

I’m going to go with giant glowing golden seed.

Giant glowing golden seed.

The way you’ve reacted has made me think it’s probably wrong.

Yeah, you, my friend, are in fact wrong.

Yeah, I thought so.

It’s an Amber egg.

Ah, a seed is kind of egg.

Is it?

Yeah, it’s like a baby thing.

Is it?

It’s the source of like yeah, 100%.

Is it?

Oh, you mean golden, golden Amber.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, eggs.

But no, you’re wrong.

That’s so.

All right, bonus, bonus point.

What is inside the Amber egg?

Well, Amber, you just said it.

Did I catch you in a little?

In a little, uh, were they terrible?

You bad, do they?

No, no, you didn’t.

What’s inside it?

I’m going to say a baby.

A baby.

Yeah, because it’s like, it’s like a death stranding where she’s just care.

It’s the, it’s the subgame.

Death stranding has come in to, to infect Elden Ring.

And then when Elden Ring, when you finish

the game, turns into death stranding.

I bet you didn’t know that.

Ah, connected universe is like dead in.

Wow, we blow my mind there.

Yeah, yeah.

That’s my answer though.

All right.

Yeah, zero out of two.

Well done.

No, inside of that Amber egg is her great ruin.

Oh, she’s the only shard bearer that you don’t get a, uh, a shard from.

Oh, yeah.

That’s pretty cool, actually.



Yeah, she keeps it.

And it’s like the ruin that allows rebirth,

which is why you can go respect with her.


Interesting, right?


Yeah, you were so wrong.

No, it was pretty wrong on that one.

Yeah, pretty wrong.

I knew the function of it.


I know what it does.

I just can’t explain how.

We’ll talk about that’s the Internet.

I know what it does.

I don’t know how it does it.

So the penultimate question.


What is the item Rani sends you to get for her?

Rani’s blue lady.

Yeah, I don’t know.

I know who Rani is.

Rani’s the only one I know her name dead said because I just, I was into her

the whole time.

She, so I’m remembering the end part where she’s like, you got to go at the

little doll,

but she actually wants you to get something before that.

I have no idea what it was.

It’s a ring to put on her finger.

That’s what she doesn’t say it.

That’s what she wants.

Because you said what she said.


She, she, she, she, she wants you to do that thing, but that’s not the thing

that she actually sends you to do.

When we’re dealing with it.

You have to, you have to read her mind.



That’s how you deal with women.

She’s a doll.

Get a little, get a little misogynistic in there.

Ah, she’s a doll.

She wants you to get some, some oil for her joints.

Oh, fuck.

I don’t remember.

I do remember it’s the first question.

I don’t remember the first question because

I had to work so hard for the second part.

Well, I mean, I think it is the later part where you actually get it.

She wanted you to get the fingers say a blade.

Oh, yeah, okay.

And I did do that.

Like I did, I completed her quest.

I remember you get the doll and you have to talk the doll like three times

before it speaks back to you, which I hate when they do that.

And then you got to kill Wolfenstein.

And then you, you, you like, she’s like, oh, everything’s cool.

Let’s get hitched.

All right.

Well, bonus, bonus.

Question bonus point in this one is where is the finger slayer blade?

Or where was it?

Where is it?

You got to kill someone.

It’s like, it’s like an invasion person, isn’t it?

No, I don’t remember.


Not where?

I’m going to go with the snowy plains.

No, it’s underground.

Knock Stella.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

You got to kill, you got to kill Wolfenstein underground too.

Is that the same part?


No, okay.

No, totally lost to me, honest.


All right.

Well, this specific surround I was anticipating you doing terribly.


And it’s the bonus round here.

When we get another game, we play sort of in-depth together.

I will make the quiz using my language.

Yes, okay.

It’s going.

Who is Wolfenstein?

Last question.

Yes, I’m so ready.

You are you better be.

I have won a good answer.

I’m vibrating with energy.


What is the best stat to invest in?

And why is it bigger?

Ah, well, the best stat to invest in is a balance between all the stats so

you can do everything.

No, you complained about my build multiple times and it’s bigger because

that gives you

hit points so that you can take more damage.

But I think that’s the bitch way out.

You should.

You should.

I always, whatever.

You’re right, though.

It’s bigger and it’s because it builds up your HP pool.

Everyone says it’s bigger, which is why I didn’t want to do it.

I want to live my own life.

And which is what stamina day is all about?

You know your own life.

I want to say, Viga, see what we’re talking about.

Stamina is about endurance builds up stamina.


And then you can dodge roll more often, which is super sweet.

Super sweet.

Super sweet to dodge roll your way out of trouble.

Watch that give you one out of two.

One out of two.

Because you reluctantly agreed to it.

I know the answer that you want.

It’s just not the answer that I would give.


But Viga is easily one of the most important ones.

Like a half.

That was more of a troll question.

I was just trolling you.

Your final score.

So in round five, you scored a massive

two out of eight.

I mean,

effort is what matters.

Which means round one, you scored seven out of nine.

Oh, that was pretty solid.

Round two, round two, you scored four out of six.

Not bad?

Not bad at all.

Round two was enemy or metal band?

I enjoyed that one.

I was named.

Yeah, that was one too.

I enjoyed that.

Thank you.

Round three, general knowledge.

And you scored two out of four.

Ah, 50’s, 50%.

Round four was bonus round and you scored three out of five.

And round five was the specifics and you scored two out of eight.

So that leaves us with a total of, so out of 32, you scored 18.

So you got such less like 60%.

60% is actually pretty good for me, I think.

Yeah, that’s not bad.

I think that’s considering my expectation.

60% is not bad.

Now I really enjoyed that.

That was really good quiz.

You did a great job.

Thank you.

I enjoyed quizzing you.

May 14th.

May 14th next year.

Of course, previous to that, so we can release the actual episode.

We’ll try it.

We’ll see if we can find a game and do another quiz.

How do you celebrate a stamina day in your house, Alpia?

In my household, again, we all dodge roll out of bed and enjoy the first eye

frames of the day.

That to me is the most important part.

Then we all practice some healing spells.

because you want to heal all the injuries from the previous year.

Then we sort of have a dinner.

It’s like an estus.

Ignatsus, he will have to out on the train.

We have some estus.

We try to enjoy some blood echoes.

We try to have a little bit of like we take a rune in here and there.

We look at each other’s stats and try to appreciate what’s the same and what

‘s different.

So we get our stats out and we’ll take a look at them and expose who we are

inside so that we can all share with each other.

How do you celebrate a stamina day?

Oh, and then we praise the sun.

We praise the sun.


Well, in my household, we all rigorously skip cutscenes together.

Oh, yes.

I know your family is very much a cutscenes skipper.


Then we look for eyes on the inside and pray to the old gods.

Pray to the old gods, yeah.

Then we also turn on calling the Elden Beast of Bitch.

Come back here, you bastard.

He said, “Why are you all the way over there?

They didn’t give me my horse for this thing.

You can’t be that far away.”.


Ginned Up Hearing

Back last February 15th, I did an episode called 5G Flat Coke.

And in that episode, I talked about the

conspiracy theory behind the TikTok algorithm.

The conspiracy theory behind the TikTok algorithm was that it serves up

different content to different regions.

So in China, the algorithm serves up science and technology to make Chinese

kids think that’s cool,

but they’ll pursue those things, it’ll be popular, and then make Chinese

culture like sort of raise it up.

The alternative to that was in America, it serves Booty shaken and dumb

stuff to nullify any positive effects and bring down Western culture.

Now that actually was before I realized that the TikTok app is not available

on mainland China.

So I didn’t actually know that when I was actually doing that thing.

So we’re talking about TikTok and

congressional hearings, which is peak content.

Actually right now TikTok congressional hearing problem, I’m probably a week

late for that.

You got to be like on it and I’m not because I actually want to see all the

stuff and then talk about it.

So the conspiracy theory that it’s serving different content in China and

America can’t be true because the app itself is not available in China.

Therefore, that element cannot be true.

My theory was that different regions have different likes and stuff, so the

algorithm is altered for each region, which makes sense just from a business


And a lot of the things I talked about in that episode of Seeming B was that

a lot of conspiracy theories can either be explained by economics or the

impossibility of having that many people just keep their mouth shut.

That’s actually the other issue that comes up.

So before we get into it, TikTok itself.

So the TikTok ban, this congressional hearings about like, is the apps

buying on people trying to ban it from America essentially is what they were

talking about.

Why is this come about and what do I think about it?

Well, it’s come about primarily again because of economics.

The thing they’re not saying is TikTok is taking all the ad revenue away

from other companies like Google and Facebook

and all these other sort of competitors.

It is just undermined them significantly.

And no one’s actually going to come

out and say that part, this is about money.

Four years ago, there was a congressional hearing about Google.

What was the problem with Google?

Google was making all the money.

So they talk about national security and stuff.

Realistically speaking, I don’t think any of that’s true.

They’re talking about this company is taking too much of the market share.

This company is making too much money. We need to sort of claw some of that

money back to make sure it stays in American hands.

That is really all this congressional hearing is about.

So if your company is too successful and it’s not American, I think that

might be the primary issue.

Does TikTok the app spy on you?

Yes, but so does every other app that exists.

So if you have Facebook, Facebook tracks you, if you use Google, Google

tracks you, if you use TikTok, TikTok tracks you,

there is no situation where a social media based company or a company that’s

relying on the revenue via information is not trying to track you as much as

humanly possible.

So in the clips I’m going to play, they talk about how you know they they it

‘s all sort of user based stuff.

They are trying to talk around the issue that yes, we’re trying to get as

much information in these humanly possible without actually letting on to

people how much information we have collected.

That’s sort of the issue. So opting out is always one of the first issues.

Like when you’re given a new service, usually you’re automatically opted

into certain tracking systems.

And then you have to opt out, which makes it that much harder because people

don’t read those things.

They just click yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, move on.

I want to play with my new app.

Usually agreeing to have everything on your phone tracked.

And that’s not a TikTok thing.

That is a computer company thing.

Does it spy?

Does it?

Can it be used by the Chinese to spy on people?

I don’t know.

I mean, honestly, it could.

I know that your microphone can be turned on remotely, incredibly easily by

almost anyone.

I know pretty much every government has a legal system to make that happen.

Like basically in America, I think you just get a warrant and then if they

can get the right warrant at the right time, they can turn on your mic.

They can turn on your camera.

They can see all this stuff.

You see it in movies all the time, like

they start listening in on conversations.

That’s not actually a hard thing to do.

I couldn’t do it.

I’m not that technologically adept.

But I know that the people who do know these things, they know how to do it.

Should TikTok be banned?

Is an interesting question because I

think if you have a government issue phone,

I don’t believe there should be any social media apps.

I actually think if you have a government issue phone that you shouldn’t be

allowed to put any app on it that isn’t already put on by the government,

essentially, you as a user shouldn’t be allowed to use those phones.

You shouldn’t be allowed to alter those phones.

That to me would be the most basic level of security.

I read an article about a week ago and was talking about how the Pentagon is

struggling because people in the Pentagon are so horny,

they keep putting Tinder on their government issued phones.

Is Tinder tracking you?


It’s got to use your location to be able to

tell you where the other horny people are.

So that’s sort of the first problem is

users keep putting stuff on their phone.

I don’t think it matters if it’s TikTok

or Tinder or Facebook or anything else.

Every single one of those apps tracks you in some way.

Every one of those apps could be exploited in some way.

God damn it.

There he is for you.

There he is just looking mighty in the background.

So I should actually change my shift so that I work in the evening more and

then stream in the morning because everyone just dropped in real quick.

It says I only have one viewer but like three or four people have already

dropped in and out.

Dave looks like he’s trying to think of what to do next.

Well, dude.

I got to do the podcast.

I actually believe if you work for the government you probably shouldn’t be

bringing your personal phone with you into government buildings.

But that’s a bit extreme on my side.

I know you do probably need to have stuff for like personal emergencies and

things like that and contact information.

So that’s all very important for businesses.

And look at that.

That peak I just hit for businesses.

For businesses, I think again, if a company

says don’t have TikTok on your phone.

If it’s a company issued phone, it’s their phone not yours.

I think that’s a fair agreement to make.

Companies saying that you can’t bring your personal phone

into the building or whatever.

Again, I think that’s kind of their prerogative.

You as a company or you as an employee could agree and or disagree

with the actual policy.

That’s to be worked out between individuals and the company.

But I can understand a company taking that stance.

Like say we have some R&D or something.

We don’t want phones that are going to be tracked.

It could be put on or any sort of security in that room in that building.

I think that’s a fair thing for them to make.

Now should TikTok be banned nationally in America?

I think the core issue there is America

has based all of its ideas and policies

on the idea or the concept of personal freedom.

So turning around and saying that you cannot use this app

because the government doesn’t like this app is counterintuitive

to what a lot of these government officials say America stands for.

So personal freedoms dictate that if I want to use a Chinese-made phone

tracking system, oh my god, look at this,

what I have right here, it’s my phone.

It’s actually a Huawei.

China is probably listening right now.

So once they give me that boost and actually get me the audience in China,

that one billion people will be fine, I’ll be making tons of money.

But the premise is that if this is what I want to do as an American citizen,

then I should be allowed to do it.

That is personal freedom.

If I want to carry an AK-47 with a smartphone

tied to the end that has TikTok on it,

should be allowed to do it.

That is the premise.

Jade has just put that law in the US is actually nightmare fuel.

It could restrict so many freedoms.

I mean, the irony is the clips I’m about to play as examples for how bad

these congressional

hearings are is that it’s mostly Republicans

who talk about freedom the most ,

but then spend all their time trying to restrict others’ freedoms.

I think we all know that’s true as an irony.

We’ve all watched a daily show and all these other shows.

But why am I focusing on this?

And it’s primarily because in Japan, about four years ago,

it had the Minister for Cybersecurity.

And then he was put into place and then it came out in the news that the

Minister for Cybersecurity didn’t know how to use a smartphone.

Not that he wasn’t good at it, did not know how to use it.

Basically, I don’t know if he didn’t know

how to use like the fingerprint scanner,

didn’t know how to use a touch panel, something like that.

Basically, he could not use his smartphone. And when this came to light,

everyone’s like, well, how can you be in charge of cybersecurity?

If you don’t know anything about technology,

he said, I only have to make decisions.

So if I want someone to use the phone, I tell them to use the phone.

So essentially saying, I’m so important.

I don’t need to know stuff to be able to govern effectively.

But the problem is he’s supposed to be in charge and governing technology

and making rules about technology, but how can you make rules about

something you don’t understand?

So I went back and I watched the TikTok hearing, not the whole thing.

It’s like five hours long.

But the highlights showed up really quickly.

I went back and thought, like, there’s other congressional hearings with

similar things have happened.

So I went back four years ago and watched the Google technology hearing.

And I wanted to see if there was sort of

any overlap or similarities between the two.

So let’s get to that because that’s

really the entertainment we have for today.

So we have Mr. Jordan, I believe he’s a Republican.

And this is back four years ago when they

do, they’re talking to what’s his name?

Chai. Yeah.

They’re talking to Sundar Pichai, who is the CEO of Google at the time.

I don’t know if he is now or not.

But they’re basically trying to find out like what Google does, how the

algorithm works.

Basically, they’re very angry that when you search for things about Trump,

all this negativity comes up.

So the premise of this isn’t about freedom.

It isn’t really about doing things the right way.

This is primarily about the fact that

every time we search stuff about Trump ,

a whole bunch of negativity comes up.

And why have you not fixed that for us already and made it so that Trump

only looks good?

Iliana Marillo is Google’s head of multicultural marketing.

Does Ms. Marillo do good work?

I’m not directly familiar with her work, but she’s an employee of Google and

, you know, we are proud of her employees.

Your head of multicultural marketing said

you were pushing to get out the Latino vote,

paying for ride to the polls for the Latino vote only in key states.

And you’re saying that’s not accurate?

Yes, that’s right. We haven’t found any evidence to substantiate any.

So she just made it.

Okay, so that’s the first thing.

Is this is you swear an oath when you join one of these congressional

hearings that you’re

going to tell the truth, the whole truth, all that stuff. But if you lie

under oath, that’s perjury. So he’s

going to be committing a crime if he lies.

And this is the CEO of Google. He’s not

a dumb man. He knows what he’s doing .

He knows how this works. He knows if he lies and he gets caught, he actually

could get in trouble.

Now, I think the reality is congressional hearings. I have never heard of

anyone getting arrested

as immediately as they walk out of the door. But you have our friend, Mr.

Jordan, at the speaker,

he said, is this true? Now, Mr. Pichai has just said, no, that’s no true.

They haven’t found any evidence to substantiate that she made it up.

Well, so he was interrupted.

Google looked into this and they did not find any evidence that what the

congressman is saying is actually true.

I did up out of thin air the day after the election, wrote this email to

your top executives, and it’s not true.

Congressman, I’m happy to follow up, but I think employees today do their

own activities.

No, what’s the follow up? I want the

real answers right here in this committee.

He’s actually laughing at him like he’s caught him. But what is actually

happening is Mr. Pichai

set up a pretty interesting dichotomy. He’s like, we looked into this, we

didn’t find it.

Mr. Jordan did not accept that as an answer, just might the fact again if he

could prove it was

perjury. But Mr. Pichai has also gone and said, look, these are people and

they do stuff outside of

Google. So maybe they did something outside

of Google that we have no control over.

Again, that sort of takes you back to the personal freedom thing. What they

do at the company,

what they do outside the company are necessarily the same thing. This isn’t

the dumbest thing, but the guy

has, again, they’ve been fed information. And the guy is just Mr. Pichai has

just come out and said,

that’s not true. There’s really nothing you can do to follow that up with.

As I said earlier, we have looked into it, we didn’t find it.

Did you push to get out the key vote? And I would say the two most

populous states for Latinos would be California and Texas. Did you push to

get out the Latino vote and pay for people

to go to the polls in California and Texas?

We as a company didn’t have any effort to push out votes for any particular


Basically, he says no. I mean, and of course, Google isn’t going to go and

push the vote on one side

of the other primarily because that would be a massive problem for them if

they actually got caught

doing it. He knows this, so they’re not actually going to do it. We against

our principles.

We participate in the civic process in a non-partisan way, and we think it’s

really important. We do it that way.

I have an iPhone. And if I move from here and go over there and sit with my

Democrat friends,

which will make them real nervous, this guy is already weird. This guy has

just said, I have an iPhone.

And he has failed to realize that iPhone

and Google are not the same companies.

And this is again sort of an example of my point. We have people in charge

who don’t understand the

fundamental nature of different things. So he thinks Google and the Internet

and phones and all of

this is just one thing. He doesn’t understand that it is different. Now, to

me, the sincerity with what

Mr. Pichet responds to this thing. He says, just Google track my movement.

Now, it’s an iPhone.

So iPhone, Apple absolutely is tracking your movements. It probably has a

map app on it in GPS and stuff,

so it is 100% tracking your phone. He’s also inadvertently held up a picture

of his granddaughter

on the phone. It’s his background wallpaper. Unless like, that’s like a

default one that he just

doesn’t know that kid. When he’s saying, if I move from here over there,

will Google track me? Now,

the answer is Apple, probably the answer is yes. Maybe not over 10 feet or

100 feet, but it’s going to

certainly know you’re in this building. It’s going to know the other phones

that are in that building

if their iPhone’s for sure. But since it’s not a Google product, Google

technically has nothing to

do with that phone. Does Google track my movement? Does Google through this

phone know that I have moved

here and moved over to the left? It’s either yes or no. So the answer in

this case is no. I mean,

if we’re being really honest, the answer in that case is no. Mr. Pichai is

actually going to respond

to this more appropriately by saying like, there is the possibility that you

had, let’s say, Google maps

on your phone and Google maps attract you because you would have let it. But

he can’t get that far

because the guy just starts demanding yes or no answers. When these are not

yes or no answers,

and if he is going to do yes or no answers, the answer is no. It’s not

because it’s an iPhone.

Not by default. There may be a Google service which you’ve opted into use.

So Google knows that I

am moving over there. It’s not. See, and he keeps saying like this is like

not a trick question, but

it’s because he doesn’t understand the question or the answer. It’s not a

trick question. No, and he’s

not trying to give you a trick answer. He’s trying to actually explain to

you if you put a Google

service on your iPhone and you allow that Google service to track your

movements, then yes, Google

will track your movements. But right now what you’re saying, the answer is

no. Not a trick question.

You know, you make a hundred million dollars a year. You ought to be able to

answer that question.

Does Google know through this? This

man’s hand is now shaking because he’s so

getting so angry that he’s not getting what he wants is the answer is to be

yes. That’s what he wants.

But he’s not getting the answer he wants because he’s actually doesn’t

understand the question he’s asking.

Phone, that I am moving over there and sit next to Mr. Johnson, which would

make him real nervous.

Why would sitting next to your coworker make them nervous? This is a whole

different thing.

He’s making it sound like he’s either going to intimidate that guy or that

guy thinks he’s really creepy.

I don’t understand why him moving across the room to one of his coworkers

would make his

coworker so nervous because Mr. Poe is not that intimidating to me. He’s a

he’s a pudgy older man.

He’s got a little less hair than me, but you know, we’re on the same path

than that one.

But I would not find him intimidating in any way. I don’t understand why he

‘s making his

coworker so nervous unless it’s the way he behaves like a fucking psycho. It

‘s his question.

It’s yes or no. I wouldn’t be able to answer it. I’m looking at it. I can’t

say yes or no.

He’s saying I can’t say yes or no without looking at your phone because I

have to know what

services are on your phone. But this guy doesn’t understand that the apps

and the phone are actually

different things. He thinks it’s just

one thing. Without knowing more details.

So anticipating what took place in 2016 happening again and this is

specifically regarding

what Russia did to foment racial tensions in the United States and wanting

to know how you are

responding to that. Were they called for fake protest either to get African

Americans to turn out

to protest something that was fake or to have white supremacists be ginned

up to attack communities

of color. I think can I just say that I have not heard the phrase ginned up

in a very long time and

I really enjoy the use of the phrase ginned up. I would like to see a lot

more ginned up talk in

my life. So specifically what is Google doing to respond to that? We mainly

saw with respect to Russia

limited improper activity on our ad platforms. But in general we are not a

social networking company

across the products we do. So what Mr. Pichai is kindly trying to explain is

the thing you’re talking

about the Russians in 2016 trying to foment revolution trying to you know

incite protest and riots and

stuff. That was done on Facebook. So this congresswoman maybe doesn’t

understand that Facebook and

Google are different things, different products, different services. She may

not understand where that actually happened

in the first place. It’s really hard to


In India we haven’t done well as a company. So we typically are in

connecting groups of people

and that’s not how Google mainly works today. And so we haven’t seen that

kind of activities on our

platforms. But we are vigilant and you know and happy to share any findings

which come through as

we look into it more. I do like that they keep bringing up China. Google is

not a Chinese company.

TikTok I didn’t know wasn’t a Chinese company until these actual

congressional hearings where I

found out that they’re headquartered in Singapore now. But we’ll get to that

in a second because we’ve

got a couple more of these to get through. So again this is trying to

connect Google to China.

And so what he’s trying to do is find a way for Chinese spies to get through

Google to America so

that he can say that Google is now an enemy of America. In China has

deteriorated with respect to

surveillance censorship and the likes since Google first made the decision

in 2010 to leave. So I

want to ask very specifically are any employees currently having product

meetings on this Chinese project

and if not when did those end? We have undertaken an internal effort but

right now there are no plans to

launch a search service in China. So that’s it that’s actually the answer.

So the guy said like are you

going to create a product specifically for China and what he’s saying is are

you working with the Chinese

government? Mr. Pichai just said no no we’re not. But of course that’s not

the answer he wants so they

have to keep going. I said oh dear. Are there any current discussions with

any member of the Chinese government on

launching this app? Currently we are not in

discussions that are on launching a

search product in China. Are there any current discussions with members of

the Chinese government?

How many different ways can you say the same thing and how many different

ways can you get this

due to say no dude we’re not we’re not working with China. We’re not working

with China. We’re not

working with the Chinese government. Can we move on about this? This effort

currently is an internal

effort and you know I’m happy to consult as well as we transpire into the

action we take steps towards

launching a product in China. And who

at Google is leading the Dragonfly effort?

It’s a you know our efforts around building search you know it’s it’s

undertaken by our search

teams but these are distributed efforts. It’s a limited effort internally

currently. Will you Mr. Pichai

rule out launching a tool for surveillance and censorship in China while you

are CEO of Google?

Congressman I come into engaging one of the things which is important to us

as a company.

We have a stated mission of providing users with information and so we

always we think it’s

an our duty to explore possibilities to give users access to information and

you know I have that

commitment but you know as I said earlier on this we’ll be very thoughtful.

Okay so he just goes on

and just talked about how like like if we make a product for China and you

want to look at it we’re

actually going to let you look at it that’s basically all you say. We do get

some more entertaining

one. This has to do with very specifically I did enjoy this interaction.

Right now if you Google.

the word idiot under images a picture

of Donald Trump comes up I just did that.

Now this is it she thinks this is this is them manipulating the system which

I do enjoy.

How would that happen? How does search work so that that would occur?

So for me the problem here is that you have someone who needs to ask how

search works. Now I again

I’m not a technology expert but I do have a fundamental understanding of how

search works. Basically

the more something gets popular the more I get shared around the more I get

seen on the Internet

that moves it up the ranks to the top of the search. So basically because

everyone keeps talking about

how stupid Donald Trump is when you search the word idiot his reference is

getting pushed to the top and I’m sure

that week he did something really stupid.

We provide search today for any time you type in a keyword. As Google we

have crawled we’ve gone out

and crawled and stored billions of billions of web pages in our index and we

take the keyword

and match it against web pages and drag them. She’s nodding along this whole

time. She has no

fucking clue what he’s saying. When he starts talking about like they go out

and they crawl the Internet

and spiders and stuff. She’s like thinking of actual spiders crawling around

in the Internet.

You can tell she’s kind of already shut off just by the look on her face.

She’s like nodding but I

don’t think she’s paying attention at all. Based on over 200 signals things

like relevance,

freshness, popularity, how other people are using it and based on that you

know at any given time

we try to rank and find the best results for that query and then we evaluate

them at external

radars to make sure that and they evaluate it to objective guidelines. This

is still part of the

same hearing and then iPhone has come up multiple times because you know all

these congress people

are using iPhones. So because they’re using iPhones again they don’t

understand that there are different

phones. They think there’s only one product called phone and it is the

iPhone. I have a seven-year-old

granddaughter who picked up her phone before the election and she’s playing

a little game kind of

game a kid would play and up on their pops a picture of her grandfather and

I’m not going to say into

their record what kind of language was used around that picture of her

grandfather but I’d ask you

how does that show up on a seven-year-old’s

iPhone who’s playing a kid’s game.

Congressman iPhone is made by a different company and that’s it that’s all

you need right there is

they they keep running into the problem of these guys just don’t know what

they’re talking about

in the first place so how can they ask real and relevant questions he’s

saying like how is it possible that a picture

of me shows up with negative language my

granddaughter sees that don’t you

feel bad about my granddaughter being told that I’m a piece of shit but

maybe if you weren’t a piece of

shit that wouldn’t show up on your iPhone the thing that Google has nothing

to do with.

So you know I mean I might have been in

Android it was a hand me down to some guy.

So he’s he’s now like okay well maybe it wasn’t an iPhone maybe it’s an

Android bad or no

you know as long as you the problem is you’re not saying the thing I want

you to say so say the

thing I want you to say. I’m happy to fall open I understand this specifics

there may be an application which was being

used. So he goes back because it’s not

necessarily Google it depends on

what apps are on your phone this is again one of the fatal flaws that these

people just don’t seem

to understand. Then we’re going to move on to the actual tick-tock one so

this is this has happened

like about a week ago or two weeks ago of course it was really big on tick-

tock because all those

people thought you know this is unfair. I don’t think a lot of the people

who are talking about it

actually understood the issues at hand but I think really more than anything

else this is about

tick-tock undermining the monetary value of the competing services which has

pushed Congress

into action. Can you say with a hundred percent certainty that tick-tock

does not use the phone’s

camera to determine whether the content that elicits a pupil dilation should

be amplified by the

algorithm. So what he’s saying is that and I love this this to me shows that

he’s been fed information

that information is conspiracy level stuff he has no fucking clue what he’s

talking about. So he’s

saying when I look at tick-tock and a juicy Booty comes onto the screen my

eyes will dilate and tick-tock

is using my camera to watch my eyes and it’s going to see if my eyes dilate

and when I see the juicy

Booty my eyes dilate and it goes oh we better serve up Chong with Veef Chess

more juicy booties

and that’ll get him addicted to this and then we will have full control over

Chong with Veef Chess

life and future and all his money weirdly accurate though the response to

this again these are CEOs

they are much much more classy people than me my response to this would have

been no and just left

it at that and if you ask follow questions ask follow questions these guys

are very generous in their

answers that’s because they’re not really on trial I would have treated this

like a trial and just

said no and not explained it unless he asked more questions that and then

answered those questions

specifically and not explained anything can you tell me that we do not

collect body face or voice

data to identify our users we do not the only face data that you get that we

collect is when you

use the filters to have say sunglasses on your face we need to know where

your eyes are so what he’s

saying that if you are going to use a filter which means you’re already

using your camera they use

facial recognition to find out where your eyes are so that they can put fake

sunglasses on your

eyes they need to know where the top of your head is so they could put like

bunny ears on your ears

so we need to use any of those filters they need to know what a head is and

what it is so they can

put things on the right part of your head this guy again of course that’s

not the answer he’s looking

for therefore it’s completely unacceptable why do you need to know where the

eyes are if you’re not

seeing if they’re dilated because the dilation of the eyes is irrelevant to

anything because that

actually probably if you’re holding the phone the wrong way it’s not going

to pick up that information

anyways but why do you need to know where the eyes are we need to know where

the eyes are so there are filter works if

they’re not being dilated because that’s

irrelevant to what we’re talking

about and their dilated and their data is stored on your local device and

deleted after use if you

use it for facial again we do not collect body face or voice data to

identify our users I love

when they start demanding yes or no questions yes or no questions are

awesome because usually the

question is not sincere or and then the answer cannot be new is more nuanced

than what they’re

expecting but they just want people to say yes or no because they know if

they force them to corner

it’s probably a yes but not really the way you think it is as was pointed

out by chairwoman

Rogers you have regular contact with Chinese Communist Party Secretary Mr.

Zhang Fouping who is

your boss at bite dance correct no so you can see uh Mr. Chu is now gotten

into sort of my like his

own now is what I am all the time she says this is your boss and he goes no

this is not true and her face

is just like blowing away she’s like how is how is that possible and they

they would they constantly

during this congressional here remind him about like perjury laws despite

the fact that he’s completely

aware and let’s face facts that’s probably not his boss no Mr. Chu does

TikTok access the home Wi-Fi

network okay so that’s to me one of the classic questions that demonstrates

what I’m talking about.

does TikTok access the home Wi-Fi network whereas any device you have you

choose whether or not it

connects to the home Wi-Fi network and if you connect to the home Wi-Fi

network it has access

to everything you give it access to TikTok by itself cannot access the home

Wi-Fi network without

the user saying or turning on the Wi-Fi or something like that this guy uh

Mr. Hudson from North Carolina

does not understand how home Wi-Fi networks work only if the user turns on

the Wi-Fi it’s the best answer

because he can’t answer that question if you connect it then it’s connected

yes but if it’s if you

don’t connect it then it’s not connected and I do like that Mr. Chu looks so

confused by the question

I think that’s actually where he goes next I’m sorry I mean I understand uh

so if I have

so yeah he’s like I actually don’t even understand your question because it

‘s so weirdly basic

TikTok app on my phone and my phone is on my home Wi-Fi network does TikTok

access that network

it will have to to get access the network to get connections to the Internet

if that’s the question

is it possible then that it could access

other devices on that home Wi-Fi network.

co-cogasman that we do not do anything that is beyond any industry norms um

I believe the answer to

your question is no it could be technical let me get back to you okay I’d

appreciate if you can answer that

so basically what he’s saying is I have to maybe take you to a class and and

teach you about the

fundamentals of how um Wi-Fi and devices work again because I I don’t know

like I okay I know how

Wi-Fi works it’s a magic beam in my house that connects to the Internet

which is another set of

magic beams uh it’s it’s one in the air and then my phone connects to that

magic beam and through

that magic beam I can get to the Internet uh that is my fundamental

knowledge but I do understand

that I have to tell it to connect to that A so that it can connect to B so I

can get my Booty shaking

picks that I’m looking for so desperately actually right behind my head on

the on the video it’s actually

two gigantic booties I’m actually really glad that my my little face cover

is covering up because

that would be weirdly embarrassing uh this is one of my favorite uh no no no

no no no no okay the

Internet Jay just put in the chat the Internet someone else’s computer

either connected to you but

with a magic beam were very very long very expensive ocean cable ocean

cables are also magic

because how did they get there I mean you

can’t put a cable on the bottom of the ocean

so how did it get there it was it was there god made ocean cables and we

just connected to them

that’s what happened anyways it’s it’s so this this first part of the clip I

‘ve actually played

previously it’s what he says after this

because he didn’t get the answer he wanted

because again he doesn’t understand uh what

he’s talking about we get to this point

I find that hard to believe it’s our

understanding that they’re looking at the eyes

so this is it he didn’t get the answer he

wanted so I’m he’s just gonna I disagree

it’s our understanding so he’s been told information he said I’ve been told

this I’m going to take

my information is true what you’re telling me now again perjury I’m not

going to accept that answer.

how do you determine what age they are then so now he’s switched topics this

is something that

happens in a lot of arguments not just necessarily congressional hearings

but a lot of arguments

where you’ve made a point that point has been proven incorrect so they

change what they’re talking about

and they make it seem like it’s sort of the same deal so they’re not

actually wrong we’re just shifting gears

we rely on age gating as our key age of share age gating which is when you

ask the user what

age they are we have also developed some tools where we look at the public

profile to go through the

videos that they post to see whether that’s creepy so he’s basically again

the congressman here

does not understand what age gating is so uh Mr. chew is quite generally

about to explain it to him

but basically you put stuff on a public profile we look at that public

profile and see if the age you

put into the app so I said them I told him I was 18 years old but my

pictures are only 12 then they

can actually say maybe that user lied about their age so they’re actually

this is a safety measure

that tick-tock the company is put into place trying to make sure that young

people are not using the app

incorrectly let’s say or posting or seeing content they’re not supposed to

see but the guy because

he said we look at people’s faces he throws out that’s creepy to throw that

sort of tinge of color on

the answer tell me more about that it’s public so if you post a video that

you choose that video to go

public that’s how you get people to see a video we look at those to see if

you it matches of the age

that you talk to that that is the end of that it is a pretty simple

conclusion and I think it’s

self-evident to be to say that the problem with congressional hearings on

technology is the fact

that none of these people understand technology the problem with politicians

in general as the politicians

cannot understand the nature of every industry there is supposed to govern

and that is problematic

in that they are often talking about things they don’t understand

oh Dave Dave look at look at the okay you cannot have simply for Dave the

heart wipe is pretty good

though yeah look at this I found that the other day I was going through some

of my settings I really

enjoyed the heart wipe uh the Dave he got a walk this morning as soon as I

finished the podcast I’m

going to take him for a second walk uh and then I’m sorry this dog has one

of the best lives I know of he

he gets up he walks he has breakfast he sleeps he walks he sleeps he walks

he has dinner and he sleeps

he’s a pretty happy animal but okay what

was I saying now there’s way more important.

so it actually calls into question politics not just politicians but

politics in general

should people who don’t understand a subject be in charge of the subject so

should I if I become

a politician be in charge of economics when I don’t really understand

economics other than the

most fundamentals should I be in charge of technology or making rules about

the Internet when I

don’t honestly understand the Internet I clearly with my incredibly shallow

knowledge of technology

because I do enjoy technology I play games I stream I have a lot of devises

I like make this podcast

and it’s it’s all bits but if you actually ask if you actually ask me how

any of this truly functions

it how does my voice go into the microphone into the computer through twitch

onto the stream and

out into the world I mean it’s magic electricity I have no clue should I be

regulating that I actually

don’t believe I should be should I be in charge of economics and the world

bank absolutely not

because I don’t understand anything about it and that to me maybe is one of

the fundamental

flaws is we keep voting in people who are politicians to be in charge of

things that they don’t understand.

I am talking about a gigantic shift in just how everything should work and

basically we would need

not just technology people because technology people might not be the best

people to be in charge

of technology we need altruistic technology people to govern technology we

need altruistic economics

people to be in charge of economics those kind of things we would need altru

istic border patrol people

to be in charge of the borders and I think that maybe is where it all falls

apart because politicians

by their very nature are not altruistic certainly I can be bought and sold I

keep putting it out there

Doritos you want a sponsor the podcast I am absolutely available it’s not

going to say you very

much money considering how big your empire is so like let’s get corrupt and

yeah Magnus how do they work (upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

Talk Funny Podcast


Okay, comedy. Do you like comedy? No. No, me neither. End of podcast. Yeah,

thanks guys. Bye.

Like and subscribe. So perfect example of British comedy right there.

Actually pretty good.

So I want to tell you a joke that I learned in Korea and it was illustrative

. Illustrative? Illustrative.

Illustrative. Illustrates. It’s I don’t know how to say the word that is in

my head. It’s a real word.

Illustrates. Illustrative. No. Illustrates. Yeah. What are you talking about

? No, there’s another way. There’s like a fancier way to say it.

This is a high class podcast man. All right, we got to use the word. We got

to use the three dollar words man.

So illustrative. Illustrative. Illustrative. No, illustrative makes it

sounds like it’s shiny. Yeah, it is shiny. This joke is shiny.

So I was I lived in Korea and they told me a joke and the joke made no sense

to me until a year after I left I talked to a Korean friend and I asked them

about this joke and they’re like, oh that’s a really famous joke and it’s

really funny.

So the joke is there’s a father and a son walking on a mountain side and the

father’s walking ahead and the son’s about you know 10 feet behind.

And they’re going to take their wares to the town to sell them and up on a

cliff there’s a giant Boulder. The giant Boulder gets shaken loose and rolls

down the side of the mountain and crushes the old man flat. He’s dead.

Guts everywhere. It’s horrendous and

then the Boulder continues on and rolls.

all the way down the hill. The rest of the hilarious. Nice. Well done.

No, the punchline. Oh, sorry. The son says. Dad look out. Oh, that’s it. And

then like in then Korean people thought that was really funny.

Now I learned like a year later. So I heard that joke. I was like, I don’t

get it. There’s something missing.

These people came from this town where they are famous for speaking slowly.

So it was like the massive pause was part

of the joke. But that to me was very clear.

It illustrates that culture and context make humor. So the instant you’re

outside of that, things that other people are just losing their minds on you

like I don’t to get it.

No, yeah, shed experience, culture norms. So if you ever had a similar

experience or like because we talked before about not on the podcast we’ve

talked before about when you meet someone who just doesn’t get jokes.

Like they don’t seem to have a sense of humor. Like there’s lots of stuff

that maybe I don’t find funny, but I get it to joke and I get there.

Maybe there’s stuff that’s technically funny, but I don’t laugh because I

don’t find it funny. But I wouldn’t be like that’s not funny. I’d be like

that’s not funny to me.

Not funny to me, but I’ve met a few people who just don’t seem to get any

jokes. Like you make a joke and they just look at you.

And then some people will analyze the other girl like that doesn’t make

sense. Yeah, like something meant to.

I tell you it’s so weird to me because I’m always looking to laugh. It’s

weird to me that that’s someone’s life. Yeah. Wow, how depressing.

It is to us, but to them it’s fine. Like they just, they don’t, that’s it.

They just live without humor and that’s how they live.

Yeah, I know. I can’t, I can’t actually can’t think of anyone really that I.

‘ve met that didn’t have at least a sense of humor. Even if it’s one that I

didn’t understand.

Yeah, one that I didn’t get. That’s fine. I understand that. There was one

time someone came at me because I post a lot of stuff on the Internet.

So sooner or later people try to like take shots at you and it was I made a

joke and it was sort of on the border of being dirty and gross.

And they came at me and they were like, so the story was like it’s the in

Japanese high schools part of the dress

code is you have to wear white underwear.

But that ignores the fact that that means sooner or later someone has to

check the color of the underwear. Yeah. And so the joke is that you know

gross pervy men they want to get in this job so they can check underwear.

So essentially it was a story and then exaggerated premise as the joke. So.

what is the worst extreme you could take the situation to and that that

exaggeration is supposed to be the humor.

And I get that that’s not for everyone. And I think this person came at me

like is that your solution? I was like no, that’s a joke. And then they kind

of like repeated they came at it again.

I was like do you understand the joke?

It’s like I understand the joke. It was very simple. But that’s not a good

solution. And I was like well actually your statements right now just

contradict each other because it’s not a solution.

The solution was about two minutes prior to this. Yeah, this was a joke. And

then they kept saying like they get it

to joke but then they could talk about it.

I was really tempted to keep this going and go like can you explain the joke

to me so that I actually believe you but then I just gave up.

Yeah, because they were actually that they do not get it. They were not

going to get it at any time soon.

Yeah, but that’s interesting again because that is a type of humor that I.

find fascinating and like very funny where you insert absurdity into a

situation to laugh about it.

Yeah, to me it’s the more serious the thing you extrapolate the more egreg.

ious example is funny.

Yeah, it’s funny because it’s absurd but it’s also funny because you can.

imagine that maybe somebody out there

is thinking that and that is also funny.

Well, in the news, Japan a lot of it is based on creepy dudes. There’s a lot

of creepy dude stories and that’s the stuff it’s fun to talk about but it’s

fun to talk about because it’s like how do these guys navigate society?

Yeah, how do they get to this world where but then they do they end up in

these jobs like they’re like oh you have

to check girls underwear. I want that job.

Yeah, like even if it’s like a fringe thing that they do every now and then

that’s like the whole purpose, the whole reason that they got there.

Yeah, and it’s like what how does that drive you mad? And that’s funny

because it’s not normal.

Yeah, and the thing I think it’s funny because they’re dead serious and

everyone else would be like that is a ridiculous idea.

Yeah, but that’s not really comedy.

That’s just an example of humor.

Yeah, talking of like stuff that I never really got like when I moved lived

around the world a lot moved.

I was too young and I didn’t really experience like jokes in those cultures

because I was living with like other forces kids so it was mostly English.

But since living in Japan I’ve definitely

bumped up against not getting humor.

So to describe Japanese humor, I say like they still do the duo team like

they have the straight guy and the guy who makes the jokes and then they

slap his head.

Which I’ve always hated. I don’t understand that.

And then that to me has an old almost 1950s feeling to it.

These duo groups.

And the other to me primary form of humor in Japan is repetition.

So they’ll say one thing funny, it becomes a catch phrase and that’s all

they do for an entire year to the point where everyone hates it.

There is a lot of catch phrasing in Japanese humor.

I cannot stand it.

Yeah, there’s a lot of…

And it’s also very child, they do a lot of like child, if you were?

Yeah, it’s kind of like a very physical humor kind of gross like people call

it toilet humor.

The stuff that’s on TV, like comedians

and stuff, I just don’t find funny at all.

So I find it a bit.

Like because I have no problem with like toilet humor but I just don’t find

their brand of it interesting or engaging.

Yeah, so it’s just very crude, it’s stuff about weight.

There’s lots of like physical appearance stuff.

Lots of body shaming stuff.

So we both teach classes, we both teach English classes and then I have

found that if I want to make my Japanese students laugh, I make a joke about

my receding hairline.


Anything body shaming oriented is really funny.

So overweight is funny, two skinnies funny, losing your hair is funny, kind

of being ugly is funny.

Funny, yep.

And so they… that again, it all feels

very old to me, like it hasn’t developed.

Which is in line with my thinking about like Japanese music is still stuck

in the 60s or 70s.

Their pop music is just not progressed beyond… I would actually, I guess,

the 80s is where they were stuck.

If you have a song from 1980 in a song that was on the radio yesterday is

brand new, it would sound exactly the same to me.

But when it comes to like person to person and like general life, there’s

actually a lot of funny stuff in Japan.

Like I love the Oyaji Gagu, but they’re just puns, they’re that jokes.

Yep, like what we call, and they are pretty funny, like word play.

Word play is good in Japanese.

It’s really good.

And they can do a lot of it.


And then there’s a thing, I don’t know if you know it, Daku-Go.

No, I have to explain it for the audience anyways, even if I did.

I actually don’t.

I probably have heard of it, but I don’t realize it.

But we have to explain everything just to be safe.

It’s just a tradition in Japan, telling long, comical stories that have like

foolish characters and like, like, they make social faux pas.

They’re actually kind of funny.

But that kind of stuff isn’t like the modern media.

It’s not there, like they’re just more like traditional, like, you go and

see someone in a small town hall, like they don’t put it in.

Yeah, they do have like hotels and stuff.


My wife watches, or she used to, I actually hasn’t watched it recently, but

they do do this like essentially comedy competition.

They get like two or three comedians on, and they have categories.

They have like, “Mine, so do it without seeing any words.”

They have like improv skits and stuff.

And you had to make X amount of audience members laugh to succeed.

And they would focus the camera on one person.

If you make that one person laugh, you get like a point or you win.


They fail so often.


And my wife, I don’t think I, she watched it every week for a couple months

at least, or maybe a couple of years.

I don’t think I ever saw her laugh once.

And I was like, “Is this funny? Like, I

don’t get it, so I don’t want to judge.”

But you’re not laughing.

She goes, “Yeah, most of this is not very funny.”.

And it’s because they’re asking people to do it on the fly.

And then, if you’re a funny person, you should be able to do it.

It should be.

Because I agree with you.

When they do stories, when they talk about just daily life stories,

it’s sometimes really, really funny.

Because they’re so concerned in Japan about

etiquette and social full pause and stuff.

And they get into situations, usually trying to do something so they don’t

get in trouble.

They get more trouble. It’s a pretty common story.

Doing something trying to not embarrass yourself and therefore embarrassing

yourself more happens a lot.

Those storytellers are good.


But funny.

Yeah, really, really funny.

The puns, the puns are great.

I find those really, really fun.

But just the stuff on TV and like the stuff that people see, like in the

world, from a Japanese humor, I’m like, “Oh, it’s so poor.”

Some of it is because when they do weird stuff, and people find it really

funny, that usually gets like viral on the Internet.

People will talk to me, “Oh, Japan’s so weird and funny.”

And I’m like, “Well, actually, it’s weird and funny in Japan too.”.

Like, it comes from here, but it is weird.

And Japanese people, it’s not like they think this is normal humor.

They think it’s weird too. That’s why it’s funny.

All right, so you okay?

But overall, Western humor, again, I kind of had this conversation with my

wife, so it was interesting because she was like, “What do you like?”

Because I watch a lot of comedy on the Internet.

And I’m like, “To me, peak comedy is now storytelling. That’s funny.”

And so it loops back and it has callbacks and it has things, but it’s like a

five-ten-minute story that takes you on this little journey.

It’s not jokes anymore.

I actually think modern comedy actually

isn’t jokes as much as it used to be .

See, for me, that’s an American, like an North American comedy style.

Because Jimmy Cot.

He’s not. He’s like spit-balling.

Yeah, I don’t find him funny unless he’s talking to people.

Yeah. So when he does a comedy special, I’ll watch it and be like, “Oh, it’s

just one-liner.”

And it doesn’t do it for me.

But that’s what I can watch it once and laugh my ass off.

And then I’ll never watch it again.

And then the second, third time, I see it coming, so it’s like, “Yeah, it’s

non-has funny.”.

Because to me, Eddie Isard put on some of the bass comedy shows.

He tells full stories and then comes back and drops things back in.

And I can’t remember his name.

There’s this one comedian from England and he just…

He will literally tell a 20-minute long story.

And then it just altifies him.

It’s not Ross Noble, is it?

He does that shit. He’ll tell a story

and it basically starts at the beginning.

And he finishes the show with the end of it.

And everything in between is just him getting sidetracked.

Seems like tangents, even though it’s probably out of planned out.

Now, I watched a couple of…

He talks about the craft of comedy a lot.

And there was one and he was talking about someone eating and going,

and he did it for way too long.

It’s one of those things where it’s funny, it’s not funny, but it’s going to

be funny again.

But then he stopped and goes, “He looks at someone in the audience, he goes,

“Every time you look at your watch, I start again.”.

And then he kept going.

So he was literally at that point making fun of one guy in the audience.

And that’s actually next level stuff.


I guess I don’t know.

So what do you think about British comedy?

What do you think if you’re going to kind of define it?

I don’t know.

I think there’s a lot of self-degradation.


The “butt” the joke is usually the person telling the joke.

But there’s also a lot of…

I don’t know.

We all like to pull each other down, but in a friendly, fun way.

That’s why heckling is such a big thing in the UK.

When people want comedians to rip them.

Yeah, because they think it’s funny.

They think it’s funny.

They think it’s funny.

“Take the piss out of me, man.”


So funny.

Because Jimmy Carls, essentially, that’s part of his show.

Yeah, he just plays the floor.

Everyone tried to shout something and I’ll rip it.


So there’s a lot of that.

There’s a lot of like… denigrating each other.

I don’t know.

Denigrating is the wrong word.

Well, putting yourself down.



And then I find a lot of satire, irony and sarcasm.

Those are very British traits, I think.

Like satire…

For me, there’s always been in the UK.

But I feel like it’s the last decade or so

in America that started to take off more.

But I don’t personally know, because I never really watched American TV

comedy and stuff like Daily Show.

Like this week tonight or whatever.

Last week, this… Is it the day you did?

Last week tonight, yeah.

Then I was like, most of them are hosted by Brits or Brits adjacent people.


Trevor Noah is not British, but he was

clearly spent so much time in England .

He had basically a British accent at times.

The guy I was thinking about, I just looked it up.

It’s stewardly.

For example.

That’s how you know we’re heading into

a fairly tight-y written bit, isn’t it?

Use of the phrase, for example, that’s the giveaway there.


For example, what?

Something you’ve written?


So… Anyway.

So, for example, I know it seems to contrived now, doesn’t it?

For example.


You know, anyway.

For example.

Yeah, he says that.

It’s like, you dad, isn’t it?

For example.

Put that over there.


Stuart Lee is… Yeah, he’s really dark.

I love him.


But he does.


He’s like, “I love him.”


He’s like, “I love him.”



He’s really dark.

I love him.


But he does, he does like, full on 10, 15-minute stories with jokes in them.

And I really enjoy that.

It’s funny, because his start was just a sketch show on TV.

Like, the… The… Oh, he was his partner.

But I remember them.

They had some real, like, when I was like a kid.

They had this really weird TV show, and there was a lot of like, catch

phrases and stuff in there.

I guess only ran for a couple of seasons.

So, who is your favourite British comedian, man?

Bill Bailey’s up there.

The… The minor key?


The… The building blocks of music.

The minor scales, much more evocative.

The beautiful melodic minor.

The hopeful accent.

The depressing decent.

Things are looking happy and joyful.

No, they’re not there to praise again, please.

It’s a harmonic minor with that little Indian ragga at the end.

It’s impossible to play that without playing this.

Bill Bailey’s good.

Sean Locke.

Yeah, Sean Locke.

I… I don’t really like his stand-up.


I like him on TV.

Him talking was way funnier than any stand-up he ever did.

Do you in skiing gear?

So, I’ve got a beard and a Viking horns.

And this is kind of my look.

So much more comfortable.

And it’s warm.

And you just don’t have to have that awkward social, is that you?

Is it not?

How’s Jimmy?

That kind of thing.

That’s a challenging wank.

I think so too.

And so he was clearly just always funny.

But it’s almost like when he organized it, it was less.


His stand-up was planned out as I was like, no, knowing that he’s saying

stuff on the fly in the moment and it’s so funny.

To me, it was impressive.

It was so much better.

Yeah, no, I love him.

Like I said, Jay must be rectum of the year.

Not really, yeah.

No, no, it’s different.

This is rear of the air with the gloves off.

I knew I’d run when I heard three of the judges throwing up behind me.

I thought, I’ve got this in the bag.


I’ve been… Sure.

A big phone call.

There it is.

Let me tell you, hers is pretty messed up.

I’m speaking.

I mean, of course.

That got me through to the world.

So, I got to the… Went to the world finals in Cancun.


I thought I was going to win.

I thought I was going to win this.

And then, Jay, go Maradona beat me.

We need to bend over, set the sprinkers off.

There’s a lot, though, I like, for different reasons.

I like Simon Anstel.

He used to host Nevermind the Buzzcocks

and he was, like, bitingly sarcastic .

Like, hammer to the face sarcastic.

Like, he had people walk off the show.

I think I’ve seen clips on the Internet.

I think he had a guy in his show and then the…

That guy’s ex-girlfriend wrote a book.

And he started reading, like, bits of the book to him.

But it was so sarcastic away.

Well, because, of course, she was like a… Like a model.

So, she’s lazy, yes.

Even the book is bad as it was, was

probably ghost-written and it was still bad.

The parents’ Hilton work was a low point for me.

It wasn’t what I wanted to be doing.

And on top of that, it caused me some real problems with my hair.



So good.

Haven’t you read it?

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you.


The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail,

which made me feel really posh and upmarket.

Are you going to see it like I’m… What?

Oh, no, pressing.

No, seriously, I don’t.

Press, we’re having fun!

Come on, press, don’t.

Oh, no, we can’t lose press, don’t.


I know.

And the dude who walked off wasn’t particularly smart, I don’t think.

No, it was clear that he almost wanted him to leave the shot.

And I like the absurdist stuff.

I really enjoy the mighty bush and the…

Like, Vick and Bob, but as the older they got…

Like Reeves and Mortimer, they got less funny.

I think they just had to force it more.

That’s another thing with humor, right?

You can’t force it.

Yeah, and you also have to want to do it.

I bet comedians at times, it’s like this is a job now.

And then there’s also the problem with getting rich.

Is you kind of get weirdly out of touch.

Yeah, same with actually, that’s really similar with music, I find.

When they start and they young and passionate and they’ve got a fire.

And then they start making money.

Well, that’s essentially what happened to George Lucas.

Because he made Star Wars and he got super famous in everything he’s genius.

And then he made the prequels and there’s like, what is this?

And I thought it was interesting because I saw a documentary.

And it was showing them making the original Star Wars.

And they got models and they’re running

cameras and they’re in the desert and stuff.

Like, it was hard.

And then they showed him making the prequels the first one.

And he’s sitting in a chair in front of a giant green screen drinking.

He’s fat and he’s drinking Starbucks.

Yeah, being fined by naked Swedish models.

Yeah, but it’s just like at this point, he’s not.

The passion that was in that first project is not in this project.

It was interesting.

Who’s your favorite British comedian?

Oh, Sean Locke.

I could watch him talk to anyone about anything for hours.

And when he died and the compilation videos

came out, I watched the whole of them.

And the comedians would talk about their favorite moment.

He was clearly a comedian’s comedian.

A comedian.

Which is weird because I’ve heard that a couple of times.

There’s like musicians.

It’s a musician who musicians like but normal people don’t as much.

And then there’s comedians that comedians love but everyone else is like, oh

yeah, it’s funny.

But it’s like, we as just normal people, civilians are missing something

that comedians who do this for a living get.

And it was a…

Yeah, I think Katz, when Sean would go

and everyone was just crying on the panel.


And he just doesn’t stop.

Jimmy Carr was talking about him after he died and he was talking about like

how it was just constant and it was relentless.

And he was like, if he had an idea, he would go.

And then one of the ones that revealed to me is it was one of these panel

shows and he’s got a partner.

And then his partner starts laughing really hard and then Jimmy Carr goes

like, what are you doing?

And he goes, well, I can’t sit next to Sean.

And he goes, why?

And he leaned over and he goes, you know, Hitler wasn’t all bad.

And he’s like just to make this guy not be able to concentrate on what he’s

supposed to doing.

On to our first numbers round.

Okay, John and Sarah go to pick the numbers.

Sean, Miles.

Sean and Miles, I wouldn’t say it again.

Fingers on lips.

Hands on heads.

Pay attention, it’s the numbers round.

Yeah, ready. I’m ready.

What are you ready?


He’d brought up Hitler.

He was whispering to me about Hitler.

Why was he whispering to you about Hitler?

He said, I don’t know about you, Miles, I’m on the fence.

I’m not saying it.

What is wrong?

I don’t know if it’s him, no, Sean.

I’m afraid I’d just Swiss during the second round walk, okay?

I could see the good side and the bad side.

I’m gonna say neutral.

Okay, on to our first number.

Oh no.

Oh no.

It’s so good.

There’s another dude who I could just sit and listen to his Richard Ayawati.

Yeah, he’s amazing.

It’s funny because in the IT crowd, he’s fine.

It’s just like a comedy show.

It’s like an mediocre.

But then when he talks about anything, it’s amazing.

And then he just sand pouring from his mouth.

It’s so dry.

And he did an interview on the BBC about, I think he had a book come out.

The guy started asking me these questions and he goes, this isn’t real.

This doesn’t matter.

And he just started deconstructing the interview.

So this is an advertisement.

So, you know, these heavy questions are irrelevant.

Like you just started like destroying what the guy was putting out there.

In a way, the books are comic book about film really.

It’s not a deconstruction of the idea of interviews, particularly.

Hopefully it’s a container for jokes that is themed around film.

So it’s not about Richard Ayawati at all?


Any more than the most story by Woody Allen

is about his grappling with Wild land.

And he’s like making it almost impossible to interview, which was awesome.

I think I’ve seen that.

Yeah, that was good.

Now he’s fascinating, man.

Because he holds it together so well.

Yeah, he never breaks.

He never seems to.

Yeah, I bet making him laugh is really satisfying.

Because just people who don’t laugh.

If you can make them laugh, it’s just better.

Because I was watching some interview show probably like Conan or something.

And it was a comedian who worked with Ice Cube.

He’s like, Ice Cube never breaks.

He’s always just like at that dead scowly face on.

And he goes, “If the day you make him…”

And he would come in every day and say, “I just want to make him laugh once,

just once.”

And that was like his goal.

And he’s like, “If you can make him smile, it’s like your whole day.”

Yeah, he’s awesome.

All right, well then let’s move across the pond.


North America.

It’s harder.

It’s so much harder.

I actually have more favorite British comedians than American ones.

There’s always American stuff I like, something they’ve done, but I don’t

like everything.


So probably the most famous comedian right now is Dave Chappelle.

He has bits, jokes, and stories I like, but actually often his whole thing.

Now, I actually like him less than I used to.

I think he’s kind of lost touch in a weird way.

He used to be funnier to me.

I don’t know if I’ve changed or he’s

changed, but he has gotten like wicked rich.


No, yeah, definitely.

I find him interesting.

I like the way he does tell stories as well.

But Bill Burr is probably the most

legendary American comedian at the moment .


Yeah, and I don’t think, even if I disagree

with what he says, I still it’s still funny.

He just has this angry, mad delivery that is captivating at times, but can

be a bit too much as well at times.


You’re like, “Oh, stop shouting.”

But what he does though is he tries to push everything to this edge where

the audience is uncomfortable, and then he somehow still brings it back.

Like, Dave Chappelle has people who hate him.

Bill Burr actually doesn’t seem to have that.

No, I think you’re right.

Like, yeah.

People hate Chappelle, but people go, “No, Bill Burr is.”.

He just says things, and then I don’t know how he does it.

Dude, there is an epidemic of gold dig and whores in this country.

And every night I put on the news, and I wait for someone to address it.

Every night, you never see it.

You know?

Every night I bring up gold dig and whores, and the whole crowd pulls back,

like I’m up here talking about Bigfoot.


Like I’m saying, the moons made out of cheese or something.

Talking about whores, people.

They’re everywhere.

How many?

How many more great men are going to get

chopped and half before we do something?

Why is it so quiet in here?

Well, he goes. He goes. He goes. He goes.

And then he’ll either turn around and come back, or he’ll come at it from a

different angle and show you the exact same story or something.

And he’s like, there’s always like two, three ways to say it.

I watched an interview with him, and he said like one of the most concerning

things is when he comes out of a club or something.

And somebody goes, “You know, you think

it, I think it, but you say it out loud.”

And he’s like, “Oh, that guy doesn’t get it.”

He thinks like all this, like I hate women stuff is serious, and he thinks,

“Yeah, that’s not a guy I want to be.”

Because so he knows it’s a show, whereas some of his audience maybe doesn’t.

It’s the problem.

It’s hard, isn’t it?

It’s comedy.

Well, it’s hard because you’re supposed

to be pushing boundaries, but modern.

society is in a place where pushing boundaries is wrong.

So like you can’t make fun of pronouns, you can’t make fun of stuff because

it’s really important to social issues.

It’s like, “But that’s the stuff you should be making fun of.”

And then like that’s on the liberal side, and then on the conservative side

you should be making fun of them.

And like it should be both sides.

Yeah, because comedy is a great way to process stuff with e-links.

Because what are terms with things?

Yeah, Tim Jeffries.

Jim Jeffries.

Jim Jeffries. There you go. Jim Jeffries is correct.

Yeah, Jim Jeffries, I saw him in Tokyo.

How did you?

Yeah, I paid like $500 or $600.

I got a ticket, and I had to buy the shinkansen and stuff, and I went and

did a day trip out there.

It was awesome. He was awesome.

It was the audience was all disgusting.

I hated everyone in the audience.

It was all these foreign people, and they were all doing their best to drink

as much as possible in public right before the show,

and then sneak alcohol in.

And it was just disgusting.

It was the worst of Western behavior.

Maybe I’ve been in Japan too long.

I was just looking at him going, “You shouldn’t be doing that.”

You should pick up your bottle.

If you’re going to drink, you should at least carry your cans up.

But they were all putting them on the floor and just walking out.

And there was a lady, two rows of infirmity, who would not shut up.

I almost threw something out.

But his show was good.

His show was good.

And he’s one of those guys.

He just pushes boundaries as much as possible.

So maybe that’s what I like.

I like people who are like pushing.

Yeah, it’s interesting to see how far people will go.

Because I wouldn’t be that brave yet.

I don’t have enough money.

You have to be financially secured to really push boundaries.

Really push boundaries.

I remember with Jimmy Kars’ new show came out and he went,

“This is the one that’s going to get me canceled.”

And it’s like, “But why do you care? You’re rolling it.”

That dude, isn’t he?

Yeah, how much money?

Because he had, if you looked at British, he was like,

“Have five or six shows he was hosting?”


He was getting a ton of money for that.

He wasn’t paying any taxes on it.


I’ve never been to a live comedy show.

I’ve only been to a few.

Because there’s no, being in Japan for so long, there’s no comedy clubs.

I did five minutes of stand up at an open mic night once.

Did you?

Yeah, it was funny.

Not good, funny.

It was funny for you, not for everyone watching.

Actually, no, I got a fairly positive response.

I’m not going to say it was like, “obrurious.”

But I have a friend who, his whole deal is like,

“Let’s find what you’re uncomfortable with and make you do it.”

And I went back to visit Canada and we were in Vancouver

and he’s like, “You do this stupid podcast.

Why don’t you go up and do five minutes of just your podcast material

and see if anyone laughs.”

And I was like, “Okay.”

So I took the Hulk stuff and I tried to make a five minute set out of it.

And then I was sitting at the bar and so nervous.

Like, this was terrifying.

I’d never done anything like this before.

And there’s a guy who is talking to me.

He’s being really friendly and polite.

So I’m talking to him.

He’s like, “He’s going up after me.”.

And he, I realized about halfway through,

he’s trying to undermine my confidence.

He started like, “Oh yeah, man.

Everyone bombs the first time and you’ll get past it.”

And I was like, “I haven’t bombed yet, so maybe that’s not right.”

So then I did, I don’t know.

My friend said that it was a very Peter thing to do.

I just threw out all the material I prepared,

walked up and started making fun of that guy.

So I was like, “Hey, I was just sitting down there and that guy just said

this and this and this.”

And he basically just said like, “He’s an asshole and stuff.”

And everyone actually found that really funny.

I didn’t get massive applause or anything,

but there was only like 20 people in the club.

So I do my fail five minutes come down.

He comes up after me.

He goes, “That guy is a bit of an asshole.”

And then this dude in the audience goes, “Nah, he seems all right.”.

So I was like, “Oh, I kind of won that one.”

I mean, I didn’t, again, my comedy career didn’t take off,

but at least I beat one guy.


Got it, yeah.

But that was, yeah, that was the,

I was so angry when I realized what he was doing to me.

Because it was just such a shit thing to do.

Like he wanted me to– I don’t think that, like, “Oh, I don’t worry.

Everyone fucks up the first time.”

It’s like reassuring.

And it’s like– No, you’re saying.

Yeah, you’re saying.

Like I’m talking about– Yeah, if you fucked up.


If you actually went up and you bombed,

which honestly with the Hulk material was very likely.

Because these weren’t, these were like bits that I thought were funny

that I’ve tried to craft into jokes.

And I’ve never written a joke before.

So probably if I’d gone with my original thing, I would have bombed.

But because this guy set me off, I just shit

on that guy, which I was pretty good at.

And since that felt more natural and in the moment,

everyone else was laughing along with me.

And I think that’s real key to humor as well, right?


Again, it just coming naturally.

Because I do– You would have forced that Hulk stuff,

and everyone would have gone, “Oh, well,

maybe I probably would have gone, “I get it.”

They wouldn’t have laughed.

Like I get where the joke is.

He just hasn’t done it yet.

He hasn’t made enough jokes in his life to make that a joke.

But I get that the premise is solid.

Like I think everyone would have been like,

“That’s a good idea.

I don’t think anyone would have laughed.”

But yeah, like we do–

In our company, we do the annual meetings.

It’s like 100 people, and I got to go up and say stuff in front of them.

And a couple of times people have heckled me.

Like said stuff, and I just tear them apart.

And it’s just because I’m not going to look bad here.

I got my bosses, I got my co-workers, I

got all the other people who work with us.

I can’t let you make me look bad right now.

And then I’m like, the problem is not going

too far, so that I become the bad guy.


Do you think humor is appropriate in almost any situation?

Well, it depends on the type of humor.

Let’s separate that personally.

Yeah, it can be.

I think you can make a joke anytime anywhere,

but it has to be appropriate to this.

Like you have to know the other people,

you have to know what they find funny.

So like if I’m making a joke at work in front of 100 people,

it’s got to be pretty innocent, to be honest,

they can’t because there’s 99 people could be offended.

Yeah, no.

I can innocent joke in a work situation.


But like would you laugh?

Like I don’t know, like if someone in my family died,

and they were at the funeral,

100% it.

I would make a joke because I knew that that would be the right thing to do.

Yes, like yes.

Because I would…

I would absolutely hope that in my funeral people were making jokes.


And I think everyone who would maybe attend

would know that that, I would feel that that was appropriate

and the best thing to do.

One of my podcasts was about eulogizing everyone I know.


And I was like the closer you are,

the more you like someone, the easier it is to write their eulogy.

Because you have things instantly that you would love to say

to share with everyone else.

And then some were not, again, comedy,

but it was borderline amusing or it was good stories or stuff.

The goal would be like, here are all the positive, funny memories we had.

We can laugh at them together.


And then like other people it was really, really hard

because all I had was like, they were a kind person.

And like even saying it, like you just

like, I clearly don’t even believe that.


So I think, yeah, if you… It’s rapid

water, but you can navigate it for sure.

And come through unscathed.

I would much rather be surrounded by people who would prefer to be commemor.

ated in comedy rather than teased.



I don’t want people sad at my thing.

I just want them to sit down and have to watch every podcast I’ve ever read.

Like, ah, God thinking about it.

The stuff I would do, well this is 10 weird.

If I was like, I’m going to die soon.

I would start taking really weird portraits to have like, like, on around,

like with me, like doing stupid shit.

Or like, I don’t know, like pencils, up my nose or whatever.

Oh, they have a couple of websites where you set a picture of your dog and

they put your dog in like a Renaissance picture.

Yeah, I’ve seen those.

Yeah, I actually wanted to get one of those of Dave, but I was like,

actually me and a military uniform, you really funny.

And have that as, because you know in

Japan, they have the big shrine like thing.

And they put a picture up there and I don’t have it.

It’s a really dead serious picture.

I’m like, where do they get those?


Like, how did they take that picture?

So I was like, ah, actually, I could, if

I made the picture in advance of me .

I’m just in a lobster outfit.

Oh, I was thinking in general’s uniform, like, look really like I had been

in like an Napoleonic war.

And something like that.

And everyone would look at it and like, you know they could end up in the


Yeah, yeah, 100%.

And realistically, no one would really say anything, but everyone would be

like, ah, fuck, he did that on purpose.

Like, everyone would know he did that.

And I think I would think that was funny.


Doing stuff on purpose that other people can’t laugh at in the moments,

pretty funny to me.

It’s really funny.

And I make a lot of jokes that other people don’t get because it’s a

reference, it’s actually a reference for myself or something.

Or like, I’ll make a joke in a group that only one person will get.

And to me, that’s almost funnier because they laugh and that’s it.

Yeah, I never know what I was saying.

Like, what?

That doesn’t make sense.

So, I guess inside jokes, but that’s the nature of inside jokes is just

showing sort of your, your together.

Your relationship.


All right, so, what we talked about like Japan and like Asia and UK and

America, like the separation of comedy.

But what do you think connects comedy?

What do you think the things that connect all comedy are?

Do you think that is anything?


Because we’re all humans.


Fundamental desire to do something right and failing is universal.

So I think every joke, like universally, if you’re going to do universal

jokes that everyone could get,

it’d be like, I tried really hard and failed is universally pretty funny.

Especially if you, or like, I did it wrong.

Whatever I was supposed to do, I just did it wrong and through my own inept

itude or I was an idiot jokes, are you pretty universal?


And then, yeah, because every culture has you make funnier friends, but you

‘re making funnier friends, quirks or foibles and stuff.

So, that kind of all works out.

So the other one for me is, is language.

Whilst we might not understand jokes from other languages, the fact that

language is something that people find humor in,

like subvert and get and switching, like meanings.

So I know one Japanese jokes that translates to English perfectly.

So it makes the same amount of sense in English and Japanese. It’s kind of a

kid’s joke.

So it’s a mother and a child are on the train and the door is closed and the

child looks at the mom and says,

“Mom, I have to pee.” She goes, “Why didn’t you tell me faster?” And he.

looks at her and goes, “Mom, I have to pee.”.

I’m going to have to pee.

And you can do that in Japanese.

And it’s the exact same joke and it makes the exact…

Yeah, so it was like, “Hi, kuyute.” So

it’s like, you should have said it faster.

And then the kid, then you just say the last line faster.

And it’s…

Let’s push that.

The exact same joke and it’s just as funny. Like, it’s not an awesome joke,

but the fact that it 100% translates.

I was like, “Ah, I bet you could do that joke in a lot of languages.”.


No, that’s true.

Yeah, like that, like…

I think that’s another thing with humor,

right? It’s subverting expectations .

Because everyone’s like, “Ah, you should have told me faster.”


And then the kid just says it faster.

And that’s not what people were expecting, right?

I think that’s pretty universal in all humor too.

This is that you have to subvert an expectation somehow.

Like the Korean joke you told earlier.


Everyone’s expecting you to care about your father being crushed by a rock.


Just says, “Watch out.”

Dad, watch out.

You have to say that part really slowly as well.


Watch out.

I guess just dunking on other people is kind of universal to them.

Yeah, but it’s a Korean joke.

And I know like people do that in Japan.

They dunk on people from other parts of the country, right?

But it’s also punching up and down is also universal that I’ve seen.

So like, you can make fun of people who are on higher positions and stuff

and it’s okay.

If you are bullying or punching down on people, most cultures that I’ve…

How many of my experience actually not that many?

But it’s frowned upon.

Like it’s not only bullies find bully jokes funny,

but everyone finds making fun of people stronger than you funny.

And self-deprecation is pretty universal.

You can make funny yourself and everyone will be like, “Ha-ha-ha.”.

Because that’s safer.

I don’t think that is universal.

I disagree there.

I don’t know enough.

Like I know the places I’ve been.

And basically everywhere I’ve been, if I

make fun of myself, people think it ‘s funny.

Do you have a favorite joke?

A favorite…oh man, come on.


I mean, I don’t know.

Some of my favorite jokes are just like the really shitty ones.

Yeah, give me one.

Even if it’s one, you would tell your kids.

Since I was a kid, I’ve really liked this one.

What’s brown and sticky?

Oh no.

What? A stick.

Oh yes, I actually heard that.

Of course I heard that one.

Yeah, I don’t know. I’ve always liked that one.

Remember my mum’s reaction.

She’s like, “Ugh, I don’t know. It’s a stick.”

And she’s like, “Ugh.”.

So you can have a joke about having sex with sheep or a joke about having

sex with camels.

Oh, just do both.

Okay, so I’ll do them fast, which probably isn’t as good.

There’s a sheep researcher going around from country to country and doing

research on sheep and health and stuff.

And then they have this sort of subsection of research they want to do about

do Shepherds actually have sex with sheep.

So they kind of pull the Shepherd aside.

So he’s in England and he goes…he

goes to the Shepherd and he’s like, “Ugh .”

So just, you know, I’m down low.

Do you have sex with sheep?

And he goes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

And he kind of happens. He goes, “Well, how do you do it?”

And he goes, “What do you do is you take their hind legs and you stick them

in your boots.”

And then you can have sex with them so they can’t run away.

And they’re like, “Oh, okay, they’re worth that deal.”

Went to Australia.

Our New Zealand New Zealand has more sheep.

Went to New Zealand and does all the research and then says to them, “You

know, on the down low, do you want to enjoy

some sort of sex with sheep a little bit?”

And it happens. And you’re out here

on the paddock. It’s very lonely. So you.

grab the sheep by the back legs and you put it in your boots and you can

have sex with the sheep that way.

“Oh, okay, so that’s maybe that’s universal.” And he goes to Wales and he.

talks to a Shepherd and he goes, “So, do you go through all his research?”

So on the down low, do you take the sheep’s back legs and put them in your

boots and have sex with them?

And he goes, “Well, how do you kiss them?”.

“I really enjoy the idea of people kissing sheep.”.

And the other one is the French foreign legion and they’re in the desert and

there’s a new recruit and they’ve been out there and they’re in the fort.

They’ve been there for a while and he goes, “So, when you guys get your man

ly urges, what do you do?”

And they go, “Oh, we got the camel.”

He goes, “Oh, it’s disgusting.” He like.

ignores, walks away and he’s offended by this.

And then a couple days later, they’re sitting around the fire and he goes,”

No, no, seriously guys, you gotta take care of yourselves. What do you do?”

And he goes, “Well, we got the camel. Just take the camel.” And he’s like,”

Oh, it’s a terrible horrendous idea.”

And he’s like, “I’m really offended.” But now we’re like, then it’s like a

month in and he’s like, “No, I really gotta take care of some stuff.”.

What do you guys do? The camel is there. Just use the camel.

And so the guy’s like, “Okay.” So he

goes and he gets like a step ladder and.

he gets out behind and he comes back the

next day and he’s like, “Really relaxed.”

And he’s like, “You know what, that’s not the sex with a camel. It was a

really good idea.”

And they’re all like spit their coffee. I’m like, “What?”

And he’s even telling me to have sex with a camel for like a month. He goes,

“No, no, we ride the camel into town.”.

The minute you start telling that one, I always say, “I’ve heard that one.”

Yeah, I think everyone’s like, “Those are two very old jokes.”

I’ve never heard the kissing the sheep one.

No, no. I just like the idea of someone thinking like, “Well, you gotta kiss

the sheep.”

I like it. It’s almost like a little romantic, which I quite enjoy.

I like absurd ones as well. Actually, I just think of some more. There’s two

frying eggs and a frying pan.

One looks at the other and says, “Hot in here.” And the other one goes, “Ugh

, talking egg.”.

That’s pretty good.


Fake Blood Octopii

That’s the third start to the intro of this

podcast and it’s because I keep wanting

to explain or justify what I’m doing.

This is an episode of C-Mick Be reads.

That’s all you really got to know.

I did the entirety of a year I read a free online romantic sex book about

some women who

had taken to a prehistoric planet and dropped there and they had to blink

their way to safety.

And it was good but I actually found that reading an entire book, my

commentary fell off because there was just less to say.

The author had their quibbles and traits

and odd things and I’d made fun of them and

then it came up in another chapter.

I’d just make fun of the same thing again.

I realized the sheer length of a whole book is a problem.

And I could read articles and stuff and I’ve done that in the past.

I want to make it so that there’s a variety

of interesting stuff that’s interesting to

me, interesting to the audience.

If you have something you would like me to read,

send an email to

or you can send a voice message to

Every social media platform, I’ve probably tried to claim chunkmapeefchest

and they all have message systems and stuff.

So if you just search for a chunkmapeefchest,

there’s a good chance there’s me.

There is another podcast called Seamick Bee and it was like the Military

College of Brazil,

maybe it was Columbia Military College of Brazil, something like that.

So I was going to try to start beef with them just because we got to decide

who actually owns the name.

And maybe starting beef with a literal military organization isn’t my best

idea I’ve ever had.

Which brings us to fake blood which is what we’re talking about today

because I read an article

about the history of fake blood and I found it really interesting and I

thought hey, if you

listen to my stuff, I just assume the stuff that I find interesting, you

would find them, and it may be, it may be, it may be, it may be interesting.

In 1897 there was a Parisian theater called the Grand Gugnoch.

G-U-I-G-N-O-C, G-G-G-N-O-L.

My writing’s very poor, I made my notes very quickly.

L’Gran Gugnoch and they put on plays, they put on horror plays.

I was like I’ve seen horror movies, I’ve actually never seen horror plays.

I’ve seen a few plays, I wouldn’t say I’m like someone who goes to plays.

Trying to think of the plays, I’ve gone to a bunch of high schools plays

with my friends were in.

I actually did a couple, I was really bad at it.

I went to the Chinese opera which was a really interesting experience

because the way they

did it is they had the Chinese opera on the stage and then up they had this

big monitor

and it had the subtitles but they were above so they were like super titles.

There was mostly singing and so this guy gave a 5 minute song and it was

clearly supposed to be inspirational to his soldiers and whatnot.

Then the translation was let’s go to war.

I think we’ve missed a few subtleties in that translation but I enjoyed it

but most plays you know their dramas.

The only one I ever cared about is waiting for Gdou and that’s because I

read it and then

I saw the Katie Lang video and the constant

craving video and that just reaffirmed my love for.

that play.

I think because it was only like 5 minutes

I didn’t have to actually go see it.

Reading it was good.

I don’t know if I actually want to see this stuff so maybe I’m not like a

play oriented kind of guy but a horror play would bring me in.

I would love to go see a live performance of a horror story.

They had their own secret recipe for blood.

So of course being a horror thing people

got stabbed or there were wounds and stuff.

So they had their own secret recipe and they

think it was pigments so make it red and

glycerol which I assume is just like a jealous stuff.

Like anyways.

So this became like okay we have to make

blood if we’re going to do horror stuff.

Now very soon they were maybe the most famous

and it seems like the first iteration of

fake blood as like a thing you made for

your performance was that Le Grand Reno then

movies came along and movies are where you know horror as a genre became its

own thing.

Like a real thing.

Like maybe that’s it.

Maybe live horror plays never became its own genre in a big enough way

because the kind of people who go to

plays maybe don’t want to go see horror.

I do I would really like to go see a horror play.

I think that would be really awesome.

We had movies, black and white movies and En Psycho is one of the more

famous ones because

the shower scene where their girl gets stabbed and the blood trickles down

and it circles

the drain as the water washes the blood off

the poor woman who’s just been murdered.

The problem is red blood actually didn’t show up very well on screen.

This is something I learned about that

you have to do stuff to make it show up.

And so it was more about consistency and darkness than it was actually about

looking realistic.

So at that time they used chocolate syrup because it had the sort of

consistency they wanted.

It had sort of the liquidity and it was very

sort of dark and vibrant looking and very

shiny and it showed up very well on screen.

There was a 1968 movie called Night of the Living Dead.

If you’re in the zombie movies it’s essentially the first zombie movie.

They used Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup for all the blood in that movie.

So when the zombies are eating a person they’re actually just pouring

chocolate syrup all over their mouth and going “ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.”

So actually what have tasted really good.

So I mean being an extra on that movie being

one of the zombie extras on that movie.

It’s not a terrible deal because yeah,

you’re maybe covered in fake blood and stuff.

That actually might be chocolate syrup.

Pretty easy to wash off.

But then when you have to eat another person

you’re just like basically licking chocolate.

syrup off someone which is kind of cool.

I was pretty down with that.

My thought was British people are always really like Hershey’s isn’t real

chocolate kind of stuff.

So they might be really down on that.

Hershey’s syrup and Hershey’s chocolate

bars are different, different flavors.

Anyways, then we get to color.

Other movies started and then you had to be able to…

Oh no, something else I learned about Black White movies.

Again, it was contrast was important.

Being able to see things on the Black and White film was really important.

So there’s the very famous end of Seven

Samurai where they have a battle in the rain.

And if you just have water pouring down from the sky in a Black and White

movie it doesn’t show up very well.

The people look damp but they don’t look wet.

It doesn’t look like the… You can’t see the rain running down their face.

So what they did if you watch that movie,

it’s a three hour movie so you might not be

too into it.

It’s a good movie though.

They used essentially ink to make it rain

so that the rain would show up on screen.

You could see the rain but that meant also you could see it like drip down

people’s faces and stuff.

So you could see the rain as an effect in the movie.

So Black and White movies that had a whole

different set of problems they’d deal with.

It wasn’t about realism, it was about visibility in the medium of Black and

White film.

Luckily back then they didn’t probably have EPA or environmental controls on

films or any sort of ethics.

So I’m assuming that whole area was just like sodden with ink and everything

in that area died.

But maybe we learned a lesson since then?

Now you can actually use water and it will have the effect because you’ll

actually be able

to see the water on the screen because our technology has come so far.

But it’s an interesting problem.

If you were the director of the film you’re like well we’re making it rain

but no one can see the rain so what’s the point?

You might as well just do it on a sunny day.

Everyone just looks kind of like moist.

Then we had color film in the 60s and 70s.

What they wanted was that vibrancy to come

out so that you could see the blood so you

know his blood.

So they actually made it almost cartoonishly bright.

I’m sure there’s a old movie you’ve seen where the blood looks more like

bright colored catch up than anything else.

My co-workers and I at lunchtime have been watching Loan Wolf and Cub the

Samurai movies

and they do some great slashes and there’s a big spray of blood that comes

out when they do a slash.

If that is not the right color you actually

wouldn’t be able to see it on screen.

The same problem is the previous problem with black and white movies.

It has to be able to show up so they use really bright blood and it looks

pretty good when

it sprays but when it actually like pools

when someone gets their like in throat slash

then lying down there’s a pool of blood.

When it pools it looks really really bad it looks really really fake but it

did make for some excellent blood sprays.

In 1963 they made a movie called Blood Feast and not only did the blood need

to be recognizable

as blood because it was blood feast they were going to be consuming a lot of

the blood.

It had to also be edible so they used a mixture of red dye and Kale pectate

which is antacid and anti diarrhea medicine.

So everyone on that set who is a I assume a cannibal of some sort I haven’t

seen this movie.

Now I’m vaguely interested in it because I know what the blood is made of.

Everyone in this movie had a really settled

stomach and maybe couldn’t poop that day.

What we want to get to is how much fake blood are they using was one of the

things because there was an amazing amounts of blood they actually used.

In the shining there’s that famous elevator scene.

Now that blood is a little bright in liquidy but it still worked.

That was 300 gallons just for the elevator scene.

That’s like eight liters of blood for those of you who don’t know metric.

The evil dead in 2013 they used over 50,000

gallons and that was just for one scene.

Do you have any idea of the amount of

gallons of blood you used in this thing?

This thing being the movie.

I know we ordered a truck the other day

that was 50,000 gallons just for one scene.

Is that the raining blood scene?

So obviously the raining blood scene is going to use a lot.

There’s a couple of movies that have had rains of blood.

I think the most famous one for me is in one of the blade movies.

Probably the first one where he goes to the

vampire dance club and they’re all dancing

and then the fire sprinklers turn on and it

sprays blood over and I was like, “Wow, I love.

my blood.”

I’d be interested to know what that was made of.

We’re going to get to a couple of recipes

later but I’ll just finish this quote.

Is that the raining blood scene?

Yeah, that’s a lot of blood.

That’s the thing where we’re trying to measure because sometimes we go over

the top and there’s a lot of blood and we go, “Eh?”

But somebody joked because the other day

I said, “Okay, that was too much blood.”

And they all said, “Wow, wow, that’s

the first time we’ve heard that so far.”

Usually I ask for more.

There’s always a tone that you have to hit right in horror.

With the blood, you want to make sure that it makes sense all along.

You choose one style, right?

Like the way an arm bleeds when you cut, it

could look so many different ways and not

look the style and not look this in the style of the movie, right?

We’re kind of a little bit.

Because we’re a little bit too Japanese, I would say.

It’s kind of that sharp flat and we have some of that, “What?”

It’s kind of that sharp flat we have some of that kind of stuff.

I’m sorry, Mr. Alvarez is not making sense to me right now.

It’s kind of that sharp flat we have some of that kind of stuff.

I guess you saw here about maybe the color?

The color is too sharp and maybe too flat, not textured enough.

I mean, that’s what I like.

Yeah, it’s pretty over the top sometimes.

So this year volume means that the different mixtures of blood, that’s

actually going to affect cost.

And they were saying 50,000 gallons, which again, that’s like 10 liters of

blood for one scene and there’s multiple scenes in the movie.

And then there’s a lot more blood in the movie.

So that’s interesting.

I did find part of the article I was

reading actually had some actual recipes.

So you could actually write this down or if you’re watching the video, just

take a screen shot or something.

So if you want to make some at home, you can actually do this.

So Kensington Gore was the trademark name.

So this is trademark.

Oh, it’s out there in the world.

You can actually find it yourself.

The trademark name for blood used in

film and theater during the 19CC assembly.

So that’s probably really, really bright

stuff I was talking about in samurai films.

Today it is often used as a generic term for stage blood.

So there’s the actual original trademark stuff.

And then now because it’s so common, they just use it for fake blood.

The bricks specifically use Kensington Gore in the shining.

So the one, the thing that the 300 gallons that flowed out of the elevator,

that was this recipe.

Golden syrup, which I assume is corn syrup, I’m actually not sure.

Warm water.

So again, so you can mix it.

Food coloring, which is going to be the red and cornstarch.

For adjusting opacity, I would have assumed

cornstarch was for thickness, but they’re

saying like, if it’s too thin, you can see through it and it looks too wet.

And if you want to make it so it’s harder to see, thicker, it will mean it

would be less opaque, which is pretty interesting.

Kensington Gore really set the standard for

fake blood made with a sugary syrup base

with food dye.

But if we’re going to talk about fake blood,

we have to talk about Dixmith because his

do it yourself recipe.

Well, technically poisonous is one of the most famous.

So yeah, in what was the movie, Blood Feast, the fake blood had to be edible

because the actors were going to be expected to eat it.

In “Night of the Living Dead,” they used chocolate syrup, which meant that

when the zombies reading the people, it

was actually quite delicious and very safe.

The one where it’s the anti-diarrhea medicine, maybe too much of that would

have been pretty bad for you.

I bet it would have worked its way through

eventually, but you might have been pretty

backed up for a while.

Smith, known as the Godfather of Makeup, was an American special makeup

effects artist,

known for his work on the famous film, such

as The Godfather, 1972, The Exorcist, 1973,

and Taxi Driver, 1976.

He put his own twist on the syrup-based blood with

the addition of methyl-peribin, a preservative.

He also used a photographic wedding agent that changed the viscosity of the

blood and allowed it to seep into clothes as real blood would.

However, this is what makes the recipe poisonous.

Therefore, making it unsuitable for any

application where ingestion may occur.

So you have one, the Kensington Gorone, you can eat it.

Probably tastes okay because it’s basically golden syrup.

I assume is like corn syrup, which is really just a kind of sugar, a water,

food coloring, and corn starch.

It doesn’t taste great, but edible.

Or is this one because of the extra ingredient?

It’s probably to make it, he said to make

it so it bleed into sink into blood quickly.

So probably actually making it thicker without using corn starch, which

probably wouldn’t absorb into clothing the same way.

So you get shot or stab or something in

that slow bleed as what they’re going for.

Dick Smith’s blood recipe, one quart white corn syrup, so not golden syrup.

One level tablespoon of methyl-peribin.

Two ounces of Eller Red Food Color.

Two five tablespoons of A-Her-A-Her-Aler Yellow Food Color.

Two ounces of Kodak Photo Flow.

Two ounces of water.

That’s your base recipe, so you would just have to multiply that by two,

three, four, whatever to make bigger vats of it.

But remember, this is poisonous.

Do not drink this.

Do not eat it by accident.

It’s said, Eller Red and Yellow pigments

are not available anymore, so some recipes

will add zinc and use Red and Yellow Food dye instead to make this recipe

less poisonous.

You can use food safe and mulsifier wedding agents such as liquid, light tin

instead of the photo flow.

Another way to make it less toxic.

Edible blood is the go-to Sam Raimi method.

So Sam Raimi, he has made a lot of spider man movies and stuff.

For any low budget filmmaker looking to make

a horror movie, you likely need a lot of


You really need it to be very, very cheap and do it yourselfable.

For the original Evil Dead 1981, they needed just that like Dick Smith’s

recipe, the Evil Dead blood relies on corn syrup as the base.

To make a affordable blood that still looked to go on camera, Raimi, and

make up an effects

artist Tom Sullivan used a non-dairy coffee creamer in their recipe.

You can also find the recipe in Bruce Campbell’s autobiography if the chins

could kill confessions of a B movie actor.

It’s a pretty good title for a book.

So the Evil Dead blood recipe is six pints of clear, cato syrup.

So you have to get a British man to go out

for the evening and drink six pints and then.

take those glasses and then you can make this blood.

Three pints are you need a British man and his girlfriend.

Three pints of red food coloring, one

pint under kid has to come with him too.

One pint of non-dairy creamer and one drop of blue food coloring.

It’s that one drop of blue food coloring in

six, seven, eight, nine, ten pints of liquid.

Is it going to change the color enough?

Because if it’s three pints of red food coloring, one drop blue, I wonder

how much of a difference that makes.

Many movies and television series still rely on these recipes or some

derivative for their bloody visual effects.

However, others are turning to a cleaner method of Gore pixels, CGI blood.

It’s interesting though, we do want, what I want is for you to be able to

make it at home.

That was to me the more interesting part.

So if you dame to attempt one of these, make

it at home, do it yourself, blood recipes

for movies and cover yourself all in blood in fake murder scene, I would

like a picture.

You can send a picture to

and I would really actually

really enjoy to see what people do.

I’m kind of thinking the next break, I might

make some fake blood with my kids and see

what we can make happen because I would love to fake a murder scene and then

send a picture to my wife, which I bet she doesn’t find funny.

Okay, so the other thing, let me get

that up on the screen now, yeah, for me.

To continue, see me be reads, it’s 25 minutes, but I think I messed around

the first like 5, 10 minutes, this might only be a 15 minute podcast.

The other thing I read about, so there was your transition, is octopi.

Now the first thing I’m going to have to address is the usage of the term

the plural, octopuses versus octopi.

Now very technically, grammatically, octopuses is correct, but if you use

octopuses and correct

people on their usage of octopi, you need to realize that you’re not fun and

no one really enjoys being around you.

You might argue, yes, people do enjoy being around me, but you’re incorrect.

People tolerate you.

They exist in your vicinity, but they are not enjoying that experience.

So that’s just something to be aware of.

If you naturally feel the instinct to correct someone who says octopi and go

actually, the

correct grammar is octopuses, you should go

home and sort of just rethink the entirety

of your existence.

You could do better in life by just using the plural “I,” which is just way

more fun in every capacity.

And sometimes language is about pleasure.

It’s about enjoying existence.

It’s about communicating with people and

creating sounds that are pleasurable for them.

as much as yourself.

You probably are the kind of person

who really enjoys hearing their own voice.

Whereas everyone else, what they hear is

the annoying grating of someone who thinks,

pulling words out of a dictionary is a good

idea when it inhibits having a good time.

Kind of lost it at the end there if I’m being honest, but I think my point

is pretty solid in that if you correct

anyone who says octopi, you should go away.

So I did read an article about octopuses, octopi.

Octopi are just amazing animals.

They are there.

Is it cephalopods?

I actually have to check.

I don’t want to get that one wrong.

Octopi versus octopuses, I’m pretty confident about cephalopods.

I’m pretty sure that might be an alien thing.

I think here’s the problem with reading,

like watching a lot of fiction and stuff.

Sometimes you get your technical language

mixed up with real stuff and fake stuff.

So sometimes I’ll actually say something that sounds scientific, but it’s

from Star Trek, so it’s not real.

That’s problematic.

There’s a reason I have an English major and not a science major.

Let’s put it that way.

Research published in 2021, Octopi, I

am correcting the article I’m reading from.

Octopi were observed punching fish during collaborative feeding sessions.

In some cases, the punches were to prevent exploitation and sure

collaboration, so in other words, keeping the peace.

So basically one fish was eating too much food.

All the fish needed to get food, so the Octopi took it upon themselves to

just like a little

deck here and there to just nail one in

the face and be like, you’ve had enough.

You need to let this other fish over here have a little bit of food.

But in other situations, it seemed that the Octopi punched the fish for no

other reason than to punch them.

But that actually, something we do know is that Octopi have memories.

So really what’s, see, they’re making an assumption that they’re just

hitting them for no reason.

I bet they remember some crap that that fish pulled before and they’re like,

I’m still angry at you.

I’m still decking you.

How do you like that?

Don’t come around here no more.

Octopi are famously anti-social animals and

are solitary, even when it comes to their

own species.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I like Octopi so much is that I am similar.

Now it seems like I’m very social.

My friend group is primarily them in line.

I would say I would enjoy spending time with them, but I would be more fun

if we both went home to our computers

and played a game together or something.

But I don’t know if that’s anti-social so much as just I have a very, very

specific set of lifestyle choices and needs at once.

A group of researchers gave Octopi

MDMA, popularly known as Molly or Ecstasy.

Now one thing I was enjoying about science is when they’re like, what was

the premise of giving an Octopus Ecstasy?

You can say there’s a scientific degree we’re trying to research something,

try to figure out how the brain works with

it, what effect does it have on the animal.

But really, you know these scientists had done Molly in the past and we’re

like, you know,

we’ve been working with this spit, I don’t

know the Octopi specific name which is too

bad because I’d like to start referring to them by name Kevin.

We know Kevin’s been working hard, he’s done like a whole bunch of

experiments, he’s taught us a lot and we want him to have a good time.

Let’s call it research.

Pop them a little Molly, our cells and see what happens, make sure that

Kevin parties tonight.

Octopi are typically a social creatures.

So the scientists wanted to see how the drug that affects serotonin levels

and induces extra version of people would impact the Octopi.

So essentially this is the same experiment as if you gave me Molly.

Would I then want to go out and spend time with other people?

What would happen to my serotonin levels which flat lying constantly?

As it turned out the normally solitary Octopi spent time with one another

after sitting in an MDMA bath which

sounds like a really relaxing bath for it.

I guess not, I’ve never done it.

I’ve never done XC so I don’t actually know.

Like I know it makes you more social and you like you want to touch each

other and stuff which is pretty gross.

But does it relax you?

Cocaine is famously amps you up and you want

to clean your house and then weed lowers

you down and you get more sedate.

I actually don’t know where MDMA falls at that.

The normally solitary Octopi spent time with one another after sitting in a

bath even going

so far as to touching each other with their arms in an exploratory way.

Either this says more about Octopi or the power of MDMA, perhaps for you to

decide but still.

It’s cool that Octopi can play nice sometimes.

I do have friends who have done XC when they used to go to raves and they

did talk about just like touching each

other a lot which again sounds awful to me.

I don’t know if I enjoy anything about that.

Octopi are smart and cranky which sounds

like every old man I know so I think maybe

again this might be why I start to relate to them.

Last year scientists described seeing Octopi gathering silt and shells off

the seafloor in Durvis Bay, Australia and flinging them at their peers.

Which I find funny which makes me think that the Octopi funny as well.

The research I believe that throes must serve as social purpose but to my

untrained diet this looks pretty antisocial.

I mean maybe they’re just having a good time.

This is how they entertain themselves.

I go to judo which is me grabbing on to honestly friends and sometimes

strangers and trying to hook them as hard as I can into the ground.

And it sounds like the octopus and I share certain traits.

This is again why I probably was so immediately connected to this article.

Research published in 2021 tracked Octopi’s sleep schedule.

I suppose if I say Octopi I can’t say Octopi’s but it is possessive.

I don’t know because if it’s plural possessive Octopi’s, Octopi’s, Octopi

added more eyes.

Octopi sleep schedules.

The scientists found the animals had sleep states similar to REM.

States and humans when we dream.

If the animals are dreaming though the researchers don’t think they have

dreams as complex relinquies as their own.

They have no fucking idea if that’s true or not.

That is a massive assumption on their part.

They might just have a broader view of the universe so what they consider a

simple dream you would consider mind blowing.

So I think scientists, the problem is scientists as much as they might talk

about science, make so many assumptions which is completely unreasonable.

It should be more like a small video clips or even gifts which is how most

people spend their waking days.

I’m sure there’s about 12 jokes in there

if you actually want to put it the effort

that I don’t.

I think that is you might but again you’re not going to if you start making

assumptions that there are more simple thought

processes like Dave the dog, my dog, he


He sleeps quite regularly and quite generously.

He’s sleeping right now in the corner.

He dreams.

Now he does little twitchy things like dogs do and everyone’s always thinks

he’s dreaming.

He’s chasing a rabbit.

No one knows that.

He might be dreaming that he’s just exploded the core of the universe and

has reformed everything

into a more perfect utopian balance system where everything is egalitarian

and there is no unhappiness.

And that’s that little twitchy motion that he goes, the assumption on our

part is species least.

If I’m being honest, the assumption on our part is that we’re some sort of

superior intellect

and that other animals can’t have that because they don’t communicate with

us in the same way, we make assumptions that they are lower species.

And I think that’s unfair and it’s especially unfair for the octopi because

the octopi, as we all know, is basically an alien.

It is the most alien looking thing on the planet earth.

Why would you assume that it’s dreams are more simplistic than ours?

In February 2023, researchers announced that

they had managed to record brain activity

in freely moving octopi for the first time.

The scientists implanted electrodes into the data logger into day octopuses.

Octopus cyanera or cyania or chyanuria.

I think I would say cyan because it has the CYN and it’s cyania.

Brain activity patterns recorded in the research have not yet been tied to

specific behaviors.

And again, maybe we don’t understand the

relationship because they’re so alien to us.

But if the practice sticks, it may provide more information about the inner

workings of the octopus and specifically how

their brain actively corresponds to their


They’re very complex, flexible legs that Japanese anime really enjoys.

There are ethical questions here as in the case whenever devices are

inserted into animals

that cannot express consent, but inserting

devices into animals for science arguably

better than frying and eating them in a persuade.

That’s a non-equivalency, if I’m being honest.

Yeah, that actually just threw me the writer

just started to throw in their opinion.

I was thinking about they used to think that babies don’t feel pain.

So these do do like surgery on babies and stuff without any anesthetic,

which is terrifying if you think about it.

So what can we actually take away from the octopi study?

And really what I take away from it is

that scientists make too many assumptions.

And those assumptions are bad science.

And what the octopi have taught us more than anything else is that if you

want to do science,

you have to do science properly, which means don’t assume that because a

species is different

that that species is lower capability intellectually, that their dreams are,

I’m really stuck on the dreams thing.

You can tell.

You want to just conclude by saying like scientists made the wrong

assumption because they made an

assumption where realistically speaking,

there’s no way to know one way or the other.

And anytime you see scientists assume or someone assumes you can just

immediately should be thinking that’s bad science.


A Multitude of Failure


So I actually, in my notes, have written a multitude of failures.

And I just compile the list of times.

I don’t know if I failed or circumstances failed me or my brain failed, but

there is an element of failure. And maybe

this was, again, more an exploration of how

failure works.

Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s the world, sometimes it’s circumstance.

You got to take responsibility for what goes on in your life, but you can

also see how things are

sometimes out of your control. And so I thought I would explore that a

little bit by going through.

Basically, laugh with me by laughing at

me with me is what we’re trying to get to.

So like everyone who finishes university

and I was particularly bad at education,

I was trying to get a job. And so I

was just like, hey, throwing it out there.

Let’s try to get any job we can. We just want to get started in life.

And I thought, “Oh, what’s a noble thing I can do? Let’s try to make myself

the best self I can be.”

I also maybe had taken on too much information for movies like that things

work out really nicely

in the end, which found real life. They don’t really

work that way. Like, I’ve got, I’ve had a very.

blessed life, but at the same time, if you, what my aspirations in my

reality, there is a significant gap.

there. So I was trying to get a job right out of university. And I didn’t

really know how things.

worked. One of the things, university, high school, all education says it’s

supposed to prepare you

for the real world, supposed to prepare you for stuff. It doesn’t even come

close. Like, I think.

middle school elementary school should have a course on how to study.

That’s been a big sticking point for me for the last little while. It’s been

years now.

Well, I think about education is that

education never teaches students how to study.

They say, “Here’s math. Take this math and go study it.” They don’t tell you

how to study it.

Should I just copy it? Should I do like other activities? Should I make up

my own formulas?

Should I just look at it? Should I put it under my pillow and use osmosis?

They don’t explore anything.

Because again, I think every kid’s probably a little

different. And so what’s successful for one kid.

won’t be successful for another, but you got to try the different ways to be

successful. And then

find what works for you. So then by the time you get to junior high school,

high school, you know

what kind of studying works for you. Therefore, you can study more

effectively. When you’re going to

the end of university and you’re trying to get jobs and stuff, they got to

tell you how jobs work.

And that I think was maybe the first failure, where school has failed me

miserably. So I said, you know,

again, maybe being a little aspirational in my thinking, I decided to apply

to CISIS. Now CISIS is

CSIS. It is the Canadian. I forget what

it stands for. Canadian. It’s not secret.

And I’m going to have to look it up. Let me do that real quick.

What does CISIS stand for? Oh, there you go. Okay. It’s Canadian security

intelligence services. So

this is essentially Canada’s CIA or Canada, because the FBI is national and

the CIA is international.

Canada has the RCMP is national and CISIS is international. So they deal

with international crime. Now.

they’re spies. This is Canada’s version of spies. And I just thought, oh,

right, a nice letter and

a resume, which had like, I sold dog food for six years on it and send that

into the CISIS head office

because they do have an office, which actually is in itself kind of weird.

And I didn’t do any research.

I didn’t think of what requirements they had. I didn’t actually apply for a

specific job. I just

sent a letter to the Canadian security intelligence services and said, I’d

like to work for you.

Now with a little life experience, I see why this wouldn’t have worked out.

because I don’t think CISIS

just accepts applications. I think they recruit. I think they’re going to go

to the military.

They’re going to go to police agencies.

They’re going to go to specific things.

Again, perhaps banks need like forensic accountants and whatnot. They’re

going to find the people

who fit the roles they need and then they’re going to recruit them. They’re

not just going to take

applications off the street. It’s why you’ve never looked on Craig’s list

and seen an ad for CISIS agents.

Now I didn’t think I was realistic enough to think

I’m not about to be a spy. I’m not going to be like.

the Canadian version of James Bond going around the world shooting things

and solving crimes.

I thought I would probably be doing a lot of data input. Maybe I’ll get good

enough at that.

That I’ll actually get a job as maybe as a data analyst or compiling other

people’s information

and doing stuff for them. I was pretty, I’m not even going to say good, I

was pretty good with computers.

I was adequate. I was better than average at the time. That’s certainly now

that’s not the case

because computers have come so far. But at the time, I could have done some

Excel sheets that maybe

other people couldn’t do. I could put

some things together that other people do.

So I sent them a resume and a letter in a

cover letter and I actually got a response,

which I now in my head think this was

very nice of them to not make fun of me.

And then the response was a very short letter and I just said I don’t know

where you would fit.

in the organization. And it was a very nice way of saying like what the fuck

are you talking about?

You moron kid. But at the same time, it was respectful and it maybe even

took a moment to

recognize like this kid wants to do something bigger but just doesn’t know

how. Which I think was

the case. I wanted to do something good with myself in the world. I just

didn’t know how to do it yet.

Anyways, so I did not get a job at Canadian security intelligence services.

And that’s the first step

to how I live my life now is not a spy. So then I’m still looking for a job.

This is the same

era again with so I’m still in a situation. So now if I was going to get a

job, I’d do a lot of

research. I would find out stuff. I would make sure I know what I’m talking

about before I made any sort

of application. I’ve done internal interviews within the company I work in

now and I did as much

research as I could to get as much like background as I could so that I

could present myself very well.

Back then, I was just so ready to get a dream job out the gate that I just

thought any my brain was

making things look good that were not good for me. So there was a company

and I saw an ad and this was.

back then because this is when I’m in my 20s. So the Internet is functional

and it exists but it’s

not common. So most jobs, even it, you know, very technologically advanced

companies, you would still

send in a physical resume so you’d send it in the mail. So I saw an ad. I.

think it was on the Internet.

It must have been on the Internet and it was looking for a script writer.

Now I am a pithy guy.

I drizzle sarcasm. I am artistic and I’ve written lots of stuff. By that

time I’d actually written

a full novel. We’ll get to how that failed in a minute. I got quips. I could

do it. I can write

scripts. I could write scripts that dazzle people. I could even do drama. I

could do serious stuff.

Comedy is a hard thing to write. Drama is easy, comparatively speaking. So I

got this. So what I did is

I took some scripts that I had made for a mini Internet show I had at the

time. You can see that

this aspect of my life has not changed much. And I compiled those scripts

and I wrote, I made a list

of other things I’ve written in amazing scripts I’ve put together and then I

wrote an original script

for them and I made this package. And I thought, man, this is a pretty good

package. This has like

sketch comedy. Has little drama. Has some novel things to it. Like long form

literature style

writing. It shows that I am very diverse in my abilities. They’re going to

be creaming their

pants to get a hold of me. This is going to be awesome. And so I was putting

the envelope, the package

into the mailbox. And as my hand released, I realized, and you hear that

slam, you know,

when it slabs, and that’s the note that you’ll never get this back. This has

gone forever. This is

now in the world. This is in the hands of the person who you’ve sent it to.

As I released my hands

and heard that little pff, I realized it’s a computer company. They’re

looking for computer.

scripts. Not comedy scripts or drama scripts or any kind of script. It’s not

like a sketch show.

They had a, the reason I kind of conflated these things in my mind. This was

sort of the height

of flash and flash cartoons were huge. And my mind had put together, they

needed someone to write

scripts to make their flash cartoons. But what they actually probably wanted

was flash scripts.

Like if a then b go to 10, all those kind of, you know, basic things. They

wanted Python scripts.

They wanted SQL scripts. They wanted PHP scripts. They wanted database

access scripts. They wanted

a script writer to write computer scripts. And as I let go of that letter, I

realized, in that moment,

I realized, this is wrong. I have not done, I’ve not interpreted this the

way it is in reality.

And I’ve really messed up. And I couldn’t get it back. Now, thankfully, the

company never contact

because I now felt enough sort of self-humiliation, self-embarishment and

how stupid I was

that I was now dreading the call where they would ask me to come in and

actually talk to them about

scripts. And I was, part of my brain was going, they’re computer guys. What

they’re going to do,

is see this guy who’s so dumb and has made this huge mistake. They’ll bring

him in. They’ll sit down

and talk to him. And they’ll just be like this office joke. And I will, and

I, you know, I would have gone in.

Because I was out of university, I was in

debt. I needed a job. I would have gone in

for the interview knowing that I had applied for a job that didn’t exist,

knowing that I was doing

a thing that they were just laughing at. I still would have taken the shot.

And that would have just

added to the embarrassment. It would have been insane. I am thankful that

they never contacted me.

It is painful. I actually have a friend who ended up working at that company

for a short time. And he

said that it never came up. So they didn’t sit around. The office talking

about that one guy who applied.

for a script writer doing scripts, but not actually computer scripts. But I

mentioned in that story,

my first novel. Now, I actually have a tattoo of the title of the novel on

my back. And there’s

a secondary story. I got it on my lower left of my back. It is inches away

from being a tramp stamp.

Because I got it on my lower back before tramp stamps were a thing. And then

about two years later,

girls are all sort of getting like flurries or flashes or like barbed wire

and shit across the

bottom of their back above their butt. And actually all these slutty girls

ruined my tattoo.

But anyways, I wrote a book. And this was in university. I was actually very

proud of it. The basic premise

of the plot. There were actually two main characters. There was a police

officer. And the police officer

had this uncanny ability to always hit what he shot at. So one day, he

encountered a repist who

was raping a girl and he shot him. But he could sell that. I did just

explain tramp stamps. Because

I needed to give context to there was a time before tramp stamps existed.

Because before

tramp stamps existed, if you got a tattoo on your back on let’s say your

lower back like I did,

there was no negative connotation to it. There was no association with the

tramp aspect.

So I felt it was necessary to make sure everyone understood. I know I’ve had

people say it like I

say I got this. This tattoo on my back. And I’ve had people go, do you not

know what a tramp stamp is?

Not realizing there was a time before tramp stamps. There was a time before

that was a thing. So I

have a tattoo on my shoulder. And I thought for balance, lower on the other

side of the body on my

back would be like a nice balancing feature of the tattoos. That’s why I got

it there. And then

honestly like two years later, tramp stamps got wicked popular. Weird one I

saw, no whatever,

I’m not talking about tattoos, Ignats is just put in the chat in the 1800s.

Yes, in the 1800s,

that is when I got my tattoo. And in the 1850s, tramp stamps became popular.

That’s why you’ll see so

many cowboys talk about tramps. They’re not actually talking about homeless

people. They’re talking

about women with tramp stamps. So that’s just a little more in-depth

knowledge for cowboy lore.

From Seemick B podcast. And Sean White Beef Jazz.

Anyways, now you’ve ruined the plot of my book. It

was a shitty book anyways. I wrote it when I was.

in my early 20s. So you know it wasn’t. I think it was again, conceptually

good. I think again,

I just need to work on, I needed to practice writing more. But the idea was.

that there was this guy

and he, if he shot something and he killed it, he knew inside. So as a

police officer, he could say,

you know, I shot at him and I hit him and

he died and that’s just a circumstance. As

whereas deep down inside, he knew he shot him on purpose because he had

essentially perfect aim.

The secondary main character was a ghost and the ghost had no context for

what being a ghost was.

So again, all media we’ve ever heard is that ghosts remain because you have

something left unfinished.

But the ghost himself didn’t know what he had left unfinished. So he was

going to try to find out

what he needed to finish so that he could move on. Not even knowing if there

was a place to move on

to. This is all conceptual. So he essentially tries to help the cop with

some issues and solve a

crime and whatnot. It’s a weird buddy cop thing but also they both have

these like really deep-seated.

issues which was supposed to be the heavy part.

Anyway, I didn’t conceptually quite a good book.

I wasn’t ready to write something that high, high-falutin yet. So I decided

I’m going to say,

but again, I’m still in the stage of my mind

where if I just do it and I do the thing,

it’s going to be successful because I’m young and stupid and I don’t know

how things work.

So I sent this book. Now at the time you had to send a sample of the book

with a cover letter

with a stamped self-addressed stamped envelope in it with a postcard that

said whether you wanted

your manuscript back or not. And I sent

it to every publisher in North America.

And then the rejection started coming because every

one of those self-addressed stamped envelopes.

came back to me and every single one of them came back with a rejection and

you want to know what

rejection feels like. You get to the point where every single day for weeks

and weeks and weeks.

There’s a letter for you. And in that letter is something saying that the

thing you spent a year,

two years working on, it is not good enough for anyone else to ever see.

Thank you for your time.

Goodbye now. And of course, it’s not. Now again, with the benefit of years

of experience and stuff,

I know that it wasn’t very good and it would take years

of editing and stuff. I did have one publisher say,

this is interesting. We’d be interested in looking at your next project. The

next project never came about in a realistic

amount of time. I did an internship at a

publishing company that was a

only did poetry. So they only did poetry. And we got dozens and dozens of

manuscripts every day.

And it was hardly any event was poetry. And the guy who ran the publishing

company said,

like, Peter, here’s a good job for you. I want you sit down and write the

rejection letters for these.

Now, it’s basically a form letter, but he’s like, if you can put in

something encouraging and positive,

that’s really nice. And me having had the similar experience of being

rejected by every single publisher

in North America, I had sympathy for these wannabe writers. The thing is, I.

read some of the worst

trash ever. And there’s one that sticks out to my mind and my memory. And it

was like a pre-50 shades

of gray concept. It was a BDSM kind of thing. The only bit I remember now is

the dominant man and the

submissive woman meets in a grocery store and he takes her hand and then

they’re frozen food

section. And that’s already funny if you’re being honest. And he takes her

hand and he puts it on.

her frozen Turkey. And he holds it there against the Turkey for an extent

time until her hand goes numb.

And it’s so cold it starts to hurt. And I was just pissing myself laughing

the whole time. Because

it’s just the idea of holding a frozen Turkey as being sexually stimulating

anyway. It was just a bit.

much. I guess if you’re horny enough, it probably worked. I mean that guy

probably the guy wrote it. He

probably was, he was probably into that kind of stuff. Ralph says, damn, I

wish I finished writing

novels. It is hard. I mean, that’s it. I think everyone has the ability to

start. It’s the getting

through the middle and finishing. So last six months ago, I wrote and.

recorded Montana LDablo.

If you go to Montana, it is a choose your own adventure. And that

took me a year to write.

And then I got sick and was in the hospital. And then I got out and I was

working on it really hard.

And then I got COVID. And then I decided I’m just going to finish it. So I

don’t think it’s very

strong. I think it’s a really good first effort. I’m working on the concept

and stuff for a second

choose your own adventure book. But I really enjoyed making it. And I think

that made a huge difference.

Right now, what I’m doing is taking the first Montana LDablo story. I’ve had

some AI transcribe it

from voice to text. I’m going to go through and fix it and add stuff. And

then actually self-publish it

on Amazon. Yes, conceptualizing and starting is easy. And that’s actually

where everyone falls

apart. Because everyone has like a notebook like this with like probably a

good idea in it. I don’t

even get a sh*t on people. Most people’s ideas are pretty solid. It is

sitting down in again, a book.

It’s a year-long process, probably minimal. And then do you have the where

the will to sit down

and edit? Do you have the will to cut half the sh*t you wrote because you

realize it’s not very good.

or rewrite it to make it better? Anyways, working as an intern in a

publishing company was very.

eye-opening. And that was probably more leading me to understand how the

world works. And again,

why I wasn’t getting these jobs that I was completely doofing in the first.

place. I did do again a very

movie-like thing. I thought, “Oh, you know what I’ll do? I’ll take my novel

that I’ve written. I’ll leave it

on the publisher’s computer.” And then one day he’ll go, “Oh, what’s this

file I don’t recognize? He’ll

click it open and start reading and go, “Oh, it’s a novel by that young

intern, that young very handsome

and intern with lots of hair.” Oh my god, this is brilliant. I’m going to

publish this. And then that would

set off my publishing career. What actually happened is it was on his

desktop. He just deleted it.

He’s like, “I don’t recognize that file. It was gone.” So I’ve realized like

the movie concept of

how success works has no relationship to reality. And these lessons are the

lessons that get us

through there. So that’s a lot of rejection I experienced. Variant, I claim,

I claim, I act to,

Rao probably has not heard the story

of the failure of my judo career. Which.

since we’re here,

I got one more story after this. This will probably be edited. But I have

done judo my whole life

since I was like 10 years old. So now I’m 50. I’ve been doing judo for 40.

years. In university, I was on

the university judo team. I really, really, really wanted to go to the

Olympics. So I was like working

really hard towards it. I was huge. So the body you see now is nothing. I.

was like four at one time.

So this is how sad you can get if you don’t maintain that. I was doing judo

four or five nights

a week and going to the gym four or five mornings a week. And I was sleeping

10 hours a day. I.

basically one half the country. So I got this the like the West Canada part

and I went to the nationals.

And so I’m in the nationals. I’m fighting and then I have this moment. And

you know, this is

getting towards that peak, that moment. And my opponent grabs two of my

fingers and pulls them

backwards. Now I probably, so 50% of my mind thinks he did this on purpose

to cheat. 50% of my mind

thinks he did this as an accident. So he broke, broke these two fingers. So

this little finger,

so I can close, you can close your finger all the way. This little finger

doesn’t. Like I can do

that and try to push it. It does not close because it was broken. In the

movie, not the movie, but in a movie,

what happens is the hero gets injured and then they maybe tape it up or they

go off and they take a

break. And they use their heart, their spirit to will them to win. So they

go back in and then they

would using some special move or some some, so just the purity of their will

to win and be better.

They win the fight and they become the champion. I went out two broken

fingers. I taped them up to

this third finger. I’m like, okay, I’m going to do it. I’m going to go back

in. I’m going to be the

hero that everyone’s seen in every movie. They’re going to make a movie

about this guy right here.

And I go in and I get my ass kicked because judo is not a thing you can

fight with only one hand. You

need two hands to do it. I got absolutely destroyed.

Got up. You have to bow. So I bow and I walk off.

And that’s when the tears just started. Like I’m going down the side of my

face because this is it.

That’s the end of my judo career right there. And that’s reality. And again,

it’s not even sad.

It’s just that’s what happens. That’s real life.

Like you get hurt. You don’t become the champion.

It ends your career. You try really hard. Sometimes that does not enough.

And you can’t just like,

it doesn’t suck. It’s just real life. So

sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t.

So I, that was the end of my judo career. I ended up though, but because I

had that experience in judo,

I came to Japan. And I have a really nice life in Japan. I credit that to

judo. So I think, yes,

I lost this one thing that would have kept me in Canada. But I got this

other thing that landed me in

Japan where I’m actually really happy. So that’s kind of the end point of

what I would end up

be getting to is like, how can I tell that one’s actually better? If I

become champion, I maybe would

have had a shitty job and been doing judo the rest of my life in Canada in

the country where no one

gives a shit about judo. Whereas now I’ve come to Japan. And as a mediocre

player, I get this status

because I’m a foreign guy who does a Japanese thing and does it really well.

And you know, really cares

about it and wants to share it with other people and they think I’m awesome.

I have an immediate

group of support, group of friends. It’s great. I think it’s, I see in a way

probably better.

And it was my last story. So again, this is the same period. End of

university trying to find jobs.

I go on and I find an online job recruiter and they’re actually based in

California. So I go, okay,

call them up. So I’m calling them long distance. I go, hi, I’m in Canada.

The job market’s tough.

I’m looking for jobs. I was wondering if there’s anything available in your

region because California’s

very up and coming. This was like the beginning and the very soon the end of

the first

bubble. I talked to them for quite a long time and then the recruiter said,

come on down and I’ll

get you working. And I was like, okay, I will arrange that. Hang up. I

immediately start looking for tickets

to San Jose. How much did they cost? I talked to

my parents because again, I’m in debt. How can I.

afford to go and get a job? But if I can get a job in California working for

a computer company,

I don’t be making tons of money really soon. So this is worthwhile. Let’s

try it. So I borrow money.

I get an airplane. I book a hotel. Really cheap cheap cheap. So cheap hotel.

I’m in San Jose. I call up the recruiter and I go, yeah, so I’m here and you

can just hear this

pause on the other end of the phone. They’re like, what? I go, well, I’m

here. You said, come on down.

You get me working. So I came on down and I’m

here now. What’s the next step? And they go,

and then they try to talk around. I’m like, oh, for fuck’s sake. They were

being euphemistic. They were

not being honest or direct. They weren’t being real. They were just saying

this because they’re

essentially a salesperson. So they talked to me for a bit and they’re like,

well, let me make some

arrangements and I’ll call you back. They didn’t call me back. So I started

calling the agency that

they worked for. And I got passed on to someone else who’s like, come on in.

But I’m like, I’ve now hit.

like deep, deep depression at this point. Come on in. We’ll see what we can

do. I come in. I mean,

we haven’t talked about visas or anything. So there’s no way I can get a job

in America. You can’t

just show up in America and get a job. You need a green card. You probably

need the job before you can

get all the shit I would need to get a job. So I’m

now in a position where I’m in San Jose. I have.

spent more money than I have. I’m completely lost.

I’m sitting in the shitty, shitty little hotel.

And this notification notification comes out and they call the hotel. They

call the room.

And it’s there’s been a chemical leak up the road of this big factory. And.

what they’re saying is

please don’t leave your room under any circumstances. So I can’t even go

like walk around. This is like

San Jose. It’s like sort of the bright sun shiny California weather. No, I

can’t go outside. Go,

you know, get a drink somewhere. No, you can’t go outside. I have to stay

indoors. I’m staying in this

place. And at this time, again, this is late 90s early 2000s HBO exists, but

it only plays two

movies a day and it just plays them on loops. So I don’t remember what the

other movie was, but I watched

Stuart Little four or five times in a 24 hour period because I could not

leave my hotel room. I

couldn’t leave the place I was staying. I was in the depths of depression. I

found it difficult to

motivate myself to do anything. And I’m just watching Stuart Little over and

over and over again.

And it’s talking about like if you have big dreams, you’ll like be

successful. And all I’m doing is

sitting in this shitty hotel room with chemicals apparently all around me,

probably giving me cancer

as I speak. Being as unsuccessful as humanly possible and I think Stuart

Little lied to me.


The Holy prepuce

Cut the music in.

That’s done.

You came into the podcast later.

Did you listen to Velocity Podcast?

Did you listen to many episodes?

I didn’t go back.

This is when we started being friends from that.

This is essentially a remake of the original first episode.

Oh gee.

Conceptually I had a really good idea.

This is one of the problems.

I was going to take a story from history

that had some sort of almost like fictional elements.

Take it, talk about the story as if it was 100% factually accurate

and then talk about it as if it was 100% like was skepticism.

So I’m going to walk you through the story of the holy pre-puse

and then we have to talk about it like it’s real.

and then like it’s not real.

Just see where we end up.

So do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

I’m going to talk about it as if it was a 100% like

so do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

Yeah, it’s Jesus’s full scheme, yo.

Why do you know that? That’s gross.

I do. I write a random shit too.

I didn’t know about it until I started looking up.

I actually think I just saw about three of them as well.

Oh, there’s more than that.

Okay, I knew that was more than one.

In the Middle Ages,

the holy pre-puse went on tour

and they claimed to that if the holy

pre-puse of Jesus’s foreskin was in the area,

you’d have better crops.

And then the church started getting kind of little twitchy.

because they had about seven or eight different

holy pre-pie on tour at the same time.

Is that the correct pluralization?

No. Okay.

I guess it would be pre-puse says.

But I enjoy… So do they say like octopus is an octopi.

It’s an octopuses.

And I was like, “But octopi is so much for more fun.”

So I pluralize ambience as ambuli.

Stewardess is stewardi.

What about suitcases?

Suit, suit, suit, suit, tie.

No, suit, tie.

The plural, the eye plurals way more fun than… Not.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous.

So the holy pre-pie… I actually think

you sound fancier because it’s Latin.

So like I hear it.

So like I hear it.

I took three octopi out of my two suit, tie.

And the three stewardi came and helped me.

And then we found seven ambuli.

And then we put them in the ambuli where we found several pupae.

It’s just a fancy way to talk.

That’s all. Latin is just fancier.

So they actually started getting…

They sort of disquelched it because they

had two… What made me… The holy pre-pie.

They had so many holy pre-pie out in the world on tour.

It’s going to get suspicious.

Because if you’re in one town and you’re like holy…

I just came from this town. I saw the holy pre-puse.

And then you go another town and you’re like, “Well no.”

I just saw the holy pre-puse in this other town and it just came from.

So the church actually started putting like a little kibosh on it.

So they wouldn’t have too many pre-pie.

Isn’t that like a little hat?

What? The kibosh?

Is it? I don’t know. I’ve only ever learned that turn

as to like squash something down to stop it.

I’m really afraid of seeing some of the races

because I have no idea what I’m talking about.

That’s the problem.

That’s important.

And it’s intent in the hot pizza.

Oh good.

So the important part is never an otherwise.

Well I am just ignorant.

Let’s just be honest. I am ignorant with so many things.

So Jesus being a young Jewish lad and a good boy…

He was circumcised.

And so any piece of Jesus is therefore… Holy…

A holy ant.

Yeah, it’s a holy relic.

So that actually is my first question because I don’t know this.

I don’t know the answer.

So you might know the answer.

Do families that circumcise their children keep the foreskin?

I also don’t know the answer.

Yeah. So I don’t know.

I would just assume not because I think that’s weird.


That is my thought.

Is this not the kind of thing you keep.

And then we didn’t know Jesus was Jesus until he was like in his 30s.

So they didn’t keep it just in case.

Or did they know that Jesus was holy?

That’s a whole other set of issues that I really don’t want to get into.

Like it is.

Like some parents keep the umbilical cord that falls off babies, right?

You know when you snip it and then they have it attached to them for them.

It falls off eventually.

Did I tell you about the woman I lived with in university?

I think you did.

Yeah. So she kept her umbilical, her placenta.

And she kept it in the freezer.

And I said, and I said, why, why, what is that first of all?

Because it was, it was a big jar with

liquid that was frozen and like an ice ball.

Because that’s how long it’d been there.

But what is that? She goes, that’s my placenta.

Already like a sentence you don’t want to hear.

And then, and then I go, I go, okay um why is it in the freezer?

And she goes like I was going to um put it in, um planted under a tree.

And then under the tree it’ll help nourish the tree and grow it up.

I’m like your kid’s four.

Yeah, why haven’t you done it yet?

So I don’t think she ever did it or maybe she would have had to move out.

She was a weird chick.

Well anyways, so Jesus is for skin.

Any bit of Jesus is a holy relic. We know that.

But the question I had is that if we didn’t know he was really Jesus, Jesus.

until he’s in his thirties.

How did they know to keep it?

So that was my first sort of question Mark.

But we’re going to skip 800 years into the future.

Yeah, we’re going to do some time traveling.


So this is the actual story.

Charlemagne is going to become emperor.

And he’s in church praying.

And then an angel comes to him while he’s praying.

And stops in front of him and says, I have something for you.

And she gives Charlemagne the holy pre-puse.

So what do you think about that?

So this is my premise is okay, if we take

this as factual, this actually happened.

Yeah, going through the steps like kind of like what would happen.

What do you think Charlemagne was praying for in that an angel came and gave

him a foreskin?

I mean, I don’t think he was praying for a full skin.

That was my first thought too.

I don’t think anyone would deter to be

like, you know what I really want today.

And my emperse to be successful, a full skin will do it.

Yeah, like, so the biblical description of an angel is also terrifying.

Yeah, that was my other thought.

And I’m like, what kind of fucking angel came?

Because they are like like many eyed,

multi-headed, disgusting, sounding beasts.

Yeah, so the description in the Bible that I’ve taken is that every time

someone sees an angel, they’re absolutely terrified.

And so my first thought was it’s a blood-borne boss.

It’s just sort of like a… I have something for you.

Yeah, but it’d be like, well, it’s…

In your praying, okay, let’s just say

you’re praying for whatever you pray for.

So you’re praying for more tattoos or something like that, you know?

Yeah, that’s… yeah.

An angel comes to you.

This terrifying vision, multi-winged, glowing, many eyed, probably multiple

faces, thing.

Yeah, limbs coming out of the floor.

Comes to you.

Okay, so this is actually a very big question for me.

Does the angel just have it in its hand or does it have it in like a small

decorative box?

So if it’s like that kind of like biblical angel, it’s in its hand.

And in my head, it’s also bloody and fresh.

Okay, like they’ve traveled through time.

They’ve just got it.

Minutes ago.

Yeah, time has been meaning to an angel.

Okay, no, that works for me.

So, so, so, and then so you’re in church and then this angel comes down and

it goes, Mr. Warm Hands.

But I’m, I assume again, like booming trumpet voice.

I can’t do it.

It’d be like, “Bah!”

So like it would have sonorous, like just… It would fill up the room.

And this is an empty church.

Here’s a human foreskin.

What do you, like, what do you do now?

Well, because it’s, so you, how would you take it?

You take it out of the palm of the hand of the angel or would you just like

hold out your hand

and then it would just turn its hand over

like it’s dropping some M&M’s in your hand.

Yeah, I don’t know. Like I first thought you could…


Yeah, so this was, this was, this was one of the points I thought I had was

because it’s an angel.

You can’t question it.

Right? Like I can, I think they have some, they see something that’s going

to happen when you take this.

Yeah, like instinctually you can’t question an angel or God, I think.

Yeah, I guess I, that would ring true if I was religious, I guess.

Okay, so you work some mysterious ways, right?

Yeah, so you’re praying, and then I

also, I actually had another separate idea,

like did it come from behind or like different…

So you’re praying, I assume, to the altar of the church.

Yeah, did it come down in front of

your, or behind, just sneak up behind you.

Either way is kind of freaky.

Land on your shoulder.

And crush you.

Okay, so then it gives you the…

Previous, I gotta make sure my notes, I get everything in order.

Yeah, also, does it just appear, or

does it like open like a hole and like…

A portal through?

Yeah, I honestly, so my vision, my, my version of this is

you’re praying to the altar and there’s a stained glass window and it comes

through the stained glass window.

It’s like a light and in a stained glass all lights up and then it just

comes out of the window and comes down

and just sort of manifests itself in front of you.

It was my, my mental version of what happened.

But, Charlotte me, pissing himself in that moment.

Like, unless he’s so confident, I guess if you’re

gonna become emitter, you’re pretty confident, dude.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, Angel, this is just a Monday.

Yeah, it’s a Monday and I’ve now got an extra force kit.

Sweet, I think it’s gonna be a good week.

I once told this story to a guy who was religious and it was interesting

because it’s a holy relic, but like Christians and Catholics and stuff.

They get very cagey talking about it.

Yeah, because this is all this like really mythological like bonkers shit.

Yeah, and then they’re trying to make that everything around that work in

their modern everyday life.


When there’s all this like basically fantasy shit happening.

Yeah, I just think it’s because it’s connected to a penis.

They can’t talk about it.

They’re so sort of repressed.

They can’t talk about it because it has to do with penises.

That I found that always quite funny is that like they’re sitting there.

going like, oh you know, it’s a holy relic.

You should be very comfortable talking about a holy relic.

It’s a very important thing to you in your religion and

they’re like, I don’t wanna talk about it because it’s a dick.

All right, so we read the angel. The angel

gives you something. I think you take it.

No question.

You take it, yeah, because you don’t even understand what it’s saying.


You’re just like, no, overwell.

And then this hand comes out and goes, maybe it pulls your hand out for you.

Like you have no control.

Oh no, okay.

So now you’ve said that.

I think it like it reaches out with one hand and then takes your hand

because you’re still in the praying position.

Takes one of your hands and pulls it towards it really slowly and then just

puts a tiny, tiny piece of skin in it and then let’s go.


And then the PPS fuck.

Like it’s a tiny piece of skin.

Like, and then I assume you don’t know what it is.

If you put a tiny piece of human for a skin

in my hand, I wouldn’t know what that was.


I would be like, what is the…

You’re just a student.

You’re like, it’s skin and that’s enough.


Just the fact that it’s a piece of skin.

It’s a piece of skin and you don’t know what it is.

Without telling you what happens next in the story, what do you do with the

tiny human for a skin in your hand?

Alright, so I’m assuming… Like, I don’t know why I’ve got it.


It just got put into my hand.

You were just now praying probably for the greatest empire in human history.

Let’s say… Yeah, something like that.

So if I’m in that place doing that anyway, I clearly believe something.


So I’m going to take it that this is a gift from God.



I am incapable of understanding what it means or how it will help me, but I

must Cherish it.

So you don’t eat it?



I… My weirdest knowledge inside me to eat human flesh.

No, me too.

But an angel just gave me this thing.

I’m in church.

My first thought is, am I supposed to eat this?

Because maybe it gives me a superpower.

Maybe I get an expanded view of the universe.

I get a connection to Jesus that I never had before.

My honestly, if you gave me a tiny piece of meat from an angel, I’d be like,

I suppose I eat this now.

And then the apple is the eat the apple when you gain the knowledge that was

the bad thing.

But I was like, oh, I think I’m supposed to eat this tiny piece of meat.

And then I assume that’s wrong.


I think that’s wrong.

I’ve now just messed that up.



You’re now dead.

So Pope Leo then says to…

Charlemagne setting up his coronation and he has Pope Leo come.

This is to, you know, mesh the church in the state.

He says, “Yu’lio is the name of a Pokemon.”

Is it really?

Well, I think it’s more like Pope Leo, but I’m pretty sure.

I’m not now like… That’s crazy.

A little seal.

He’s setting up.


I didn’t know that.

So Pope Leo is supposed to put the crown on Charlemagne’s head.

As a thank you gift, Charlemagne gives Pope Leo the Holy Previous.


So how do you feel about that?

I feel like if that was me, I wouldn’t have done that.

What would you mean?

It was given to me.


I would have crafted some special bag or something, kept it with me, wrapped

around my neck or something near my heart.

Yeah, okay.

I, for some reason kept thinking decorative

box, like a ring box and put it in that.

I imagine it is a little perfect ring, although I know it’s not the case.

But you could have made it kind of though.

Well, you could sit back.

I think I don’t know how they cut it off.

I do think they pull it and then just… Oh, did it snip it.


So then you could make a little ring finger ring out of it.


You make a little ring out of it or you could put it on a chain.

Maybe Charlemagne, like this is not me, I’m projecting onto him.

Maybe he thought it was a curse and he had to pass it on.


Because my first thought was, if an angel gives you something, you should

not regift it.

That was my first thought.

As soon as I heard Charlemagne gave it to someone else, I was like,

“You get something from an angel or God, shouldn’t you keep it?”

Isn’t that the whole point?

Unless the angel said to him, “Give

this to Pope Leo, do something with this.”.

But there was no indication that anything

was said is the issue that I have, I think.

Again, biblical angels, they’re basically demons.


So he could have been like… So he should give her to this.


So he’s cursing the church at that point and that’s interesting.


Maybe he thought I’m praying to God, but Satan answered.

Yeah, I guess if it’s got spider eyes and many faces and stuff,

it would be really hard for a human to tell the difference between an angel

and a demon.

As long as they were bright, you would think it was an angel.

Because then we’ve just been attuned to that.

Bright lights mean that it’s good.

Yeah, right.

Solid spotlight and you’re a good person.


So that’s all we have, because that’s all the information they’re giving.

So if we take this story as fact, an angel came and gave Charlemagne a tiny

human foreskin.

He didn’t eat it.

He passed it on and that was like a good idea.


What do you think the point was?

Well, I’ve been getting it.

Yeah, like because they don’t explain what any of this means.

So it’s all supposition.

What do you think this really happened?

An angel came and gave him the Holy Peapus and then he passed it on.

What do you think the point of that was?

It’s hard, right?

I do not see the point of any of them.

Like, yeah, because I didn’t.

Yeah, again, maybe like this is from Jesus, God’s Son and any part of Him

grants you God’s grace.

So get rid of that as quick as possible.



That’s what I’ll pass it on to a man of God who will ensure that he will.

through his preachings and sermons keep everybody in line under my rule.

And then expand the empire.


I’ve given this this Pope like God’s

grace, which is something that he wants.

more than anything.

And I assume probably not though.

Probably wants money and power because let’s be real.



He ended up emperor not by accident.

Let’s put it that way.

Well, no, the Pope, I mean, you know, the Pope again, the emperor and the

Pope to me is like the same deal.

Same thing.

They just got there a slightly different route.

Okay, so then we look at the story again. So again, this was kind of the

initial premise of what the podcast what I wanted to do is look at the same

story again, but it’s all skeptical.

So we don’t believe in angels anymore.


We don’t believe in holy relics.

So basically we start out the story with Charlemagne wakes up.

He’s got to hang over and he’s got a human foreskin again.


Well, because I don’t think I don’t think if you end up with a human

foreskin, I don’t think it’s ever really going to be the first time that’s.

happened to you.

I mean, it has to be logistically.

Yes and no, because it’s clearly living a lifestyle.

Where he was in a foreskin, but you definitely had a piece of someone.

Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

So you wake up in the morning, you got a piece of human flesh.

And so my thinking was he has to get rid of it.

So he’s got to like defer suspicion.

He has to transfer anything that like people would be like, what are you

doing with this human foreskin or human flesh?

It has to get it off himself to make it

seem like he’s not guilty of something.

Such a small insignificant piece of flesh, though, right?

It’s a very weird one.

I think it’s because it’s one of the only ones that gets cut off of you

while you’re sort of young and innocent, though.

So that might be the reason why it kind of became a focus back then,

whereas now because of morals have

changed, we’re all like weirded out by it.

He’s drunk.

He’s clearly had some kind of wild night.

Have you ever woken up with a piece of human flesh?

Just once.

No, never.

Is that would be a wild night?

I’ve woken up with injuries.

I didn’t remember which is what’s going to be a missing flesh.

Yeah, yeah.

So someone else maybe has it.

Or it’s just left somewhere on the ground.

Most likely on a road, like it just fell.

So my thought was he wakes up with a human foreskin, a very small one,

which actually again, is also makes it more suspicious.

And he’s like, I got to come up with a

story that no one’s going to question.

And so logically speaking, if I say an angel gave me this,

no one can turn on and go, really?

Because now you’re questioning God.

So I immediately felt like this was just a cover story.


And then if he gives it to Pope Leo and says, this is Jesus’ foreskin.

Pope Leo can’t turn on and go, no, it’s not.

Because he doesn’t know.

And also he’s now again, the logic is like you wouldn’t question an angel

when it gave you the foreskin.

Therefore, Pope Leo wouldn’t question that an angel gave it to you.

because that would just be the same as questioning the angel.


And I’m not just some regular like nobody, Joe nobody.


Like I’m, I’m Charlemagne.


So he’s going to offload it onto the Pope.

Was my feeling.

And then like once the Pope has it, then it kind of is a holy relic

and I’ve covered my ass.


Although I think Charlemagne’s an idiot.

Like if I woke up with that, I would literally just Chuck it.

In the completely, I’m not even worried about it.



So the fact that the story exists to me tells me that something happened.

So Charlemagne had something that he gave to Pope Leo at the coronation.

that Pope Leo then took as being a holy relic.

But that to me, if you want to be super skeptical, something did happen.

Otherwise, the story would not, because if he did, I think it’s the same.

If I’m the almost emperor, people aren’t asking questions anyway.

So if I’m like killing people and stuff,

they’re like, oh, wow, that’s what kings do.

So you just huck it in their version of the toilet.

It’s probably just out on the street at that point.

So you just huck it out on the street.

And that’s it.

There’s no like CSI coming to check shit out.



Oh, that’s what we should do.

We should make a middle ages CSI.

It would be so funny.

And then they’re walking around just like they look

in the room and go, well, I don’t see anything.

I guess we’re going.


There’s no one here.

He’s innocent.

And it’s just all criminals going, got away with it again.


So that does make me think though that there was a tiny human foreskin

somehow involved with Charlemagne during his coronation.

I don’t know.

So what do you think happened?

There’s the really the last piece of skepticism we can have is what do you

think actually have?

I think that there was a coronation we

know that Charlemagne gave Leo something.

We can maybe assume that that’s something looked like a foreskin.

What happened?

What happened?

I don’t think it was even a foreskin.

I bet somebody like got drunk and went, oh,

but I can pull all the skin off my finger.

Ah, and then stripped of their de-gloved of their finger.

Yeah, they weren’t even drinking.

They were on like bath salts, was it right?

They’re version of bath salts.


Yeah, they were basically on meth and not feeling anything.

I mean, I could see that.

Honestly, I could see that.

The holy pre-puse throughout history has

been stolen and recovered multiple times.

I don’t know if there’s an actual one, but

this is again, historically, I was thinking

this would either make a really good heist

movie or a really good video game where you

have to, but think about a video game.

It’s like an open world where you have to like retrieve holy relics.

Yeah, actually, we’re all weird ones.

Yeah, it gets ins and toenails.

Yeah, like you could get the weirdest ones and then it formulates into like

a big boss that you have to fight at the end.

You realize you have to have to fight your own God.

Oh, you’ve been putting it together.


And then you end up fighting the God

you’ve created would be really interesting.

No, it would be pretty interesting.

The thing I wrote down is the church was

concerned that maybe Jesus didn’t have 18

or so.

And so they were locked, they locked them away, but then apparently they’ve

been stolen multiple

times throughout history and then recovered.


How many there are?

Well, I maybe just wrote that down.

That number is a joke.

That’s a joke.

But yeah, I mean, I think any number bigger than one.

Any number more than one is a lot of the poor skins to be honest.

If you want to, if it is a holy relic, maybe it can replicate itself.

Like again, we have to ascribe supernatural abilities to this holy thing.

Maybe Jesus just had one of them really long foreskins and then they cut it

and then the witch that we didn’t get enough

and then they cut it again and they went

still not enough.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that’s actually possible.


Like if he hadn’t been circumcised, I bet

you could fit like a stack of pennies on his.


In prison.

I forget which prisons.

There was a story I was reading the other day.

In prisons, there are guys and they’re putting, because in Thailand, they

used to put beads.

or like small marbles that used to surgically

implant them into their penises to make them.

ribbed for her pleasure.

Apparently, there’s some prison where they’re doing that with like bits they

find which can’t be safe.

Bits they find.

Yeah, like they will look at like they want to make their stuff ribbed.

But I’m just, it’s a prison.

So you know the story that dudes ask, “Oh God, yeah, I guess so.”

And that might be the last sentence of this podcast.