I was thinking about big oil.

What?

I’ve been really honest
with a very weird

thing to sit around
thinking about, but I think

about big oil and how
they miss an opportunity.

And this sort of goes
into a couple episodes ago.

I talked about in shitification.

This relates in that I’m also
thinking about self-preservation.

So I’m going to start
with big oil companies.

They are going to die out.

We have all the climate crisis.

We have the energy crisis.

Oil is a finite resource.

So eventually it will run out.

And that should have
been the thought they had.

They knew this back in the ’70s.

They had models of
how long oil is going to

last, how long we can
extract oil from the earth.

The impact is having on the climate.

They knew all this in
the ’70s and ’80s and

just decided to keep
it quiet and move along

with the status quo
as if nothing was wrong.

And that to me, it was a
distinct lack of foresight.

Because if at that time
the big oil companies

weren’t thinking of
themselves as oil companies,

as energy companies,
they could have been at

the forefront of developing the
new technologies that we need now.

So imagine if Exxon, I
don’t know if Exxon’s

a company anymore, BP,
anything, just a big oil company.

Back in the ’80s had said,
we’re not just an oil company.

We are an energy
company and take a minute

amount of their profits,
because we know they

make billions and billions
of dollars every year.

We put it into alternative energy research.

So they could have been the ones in the
’90s, in the early 2000s, to come out with

feasible solar panels,
a new grid that works

off of their technology
that’s proprietary.

So they own it.

They could have ended up being the
foundation for all energy at the moment.

They could have created hybrid systems.

So as oil became
less viable, their other

technologies could grow
and they would never

lose any of the profits that
they so desperately want.

Now there is a
short-sightedness in that,

well, 20, 30 years from
now, I’m going to be

dead or I’m not going
to be in this position.

All I care about is money and power.

That’s fine, but it shows
that you’re not really

thinking about the
future because if climate

change strikes us all
down in the next five

years, whether you’re
rich or not isn’t going

to matter very much, you’re
still going to be involved.

I also did an episode about
billionaires trying to make bunkers.

And the obvious failures there, again, show
a very distinct short-sightedness when they

should be trying to solve the problem
not just trying to survive the fallout.

But if they had
done this, if the big oil

companies had thought
of themselves as energy

companies and created
new energies in the past, so in

the 70s and 80s and 90s,
they would have maintained

a dominant market share
essentially for all of eternity.

And the oil companies
that didn’t think forward,

that didn’t try to develop
anything new, would die out.

And then you would
end up with one massive

company that controls
all the energy in the world.

And that is what they want.

So they actually missed by not innovating.

They missed the opportunities to be the
like despots they really, really want to be.

And now we’ve hit this weird stage
where we can see storms have increased.

Huge chunks of the earth are on fire.

And this is happening
more and more every year.

We have record heat waves.

But then we have the
recent Republican debate.

The legitimately saying, I want to
be president and this is what I think.

The ocean hits 101 degrees
off the coast of Florida.

The climate change.

The climate change.

The climate change agenda is a hoax.

But you don’t have
to be a scientist to see

that there are changes
of foot, that weather

has changed in the
last 10, 15, 20 years,

that things have gotten
noticeably worse, that

water in the ocean is
hotter than it should be.

And again, this is
talking about short term

gains at the risk of
self preservation in the

future because I don’t necessarily
just want to be successful now.

I want to be successful
into the future so

much so that my kids
can be successful in the

future and other generations
that follow their end.

I guess I don’t know, call me selfish.

I don’t know.

There are other ways
this is manifested as

well that I’m really enjoying right
now because we’re seeing Trump.

And recently, Giuliani
went to court and since

Trump isn’t paying legal bills
anymore, everyone’s rolling on him.

So Giuliani goes to
court and admits that he

lied and all these other people are
going to court and admitting their lie.

They lied.

And that is because
you have Trump, he said,

like, oh, if you don’t support
me, I will take care of you.

But we’ve seen he doesn’t support anyone.

He doesn’t take care of anyone.

He doesn’t spend any money.

You can go on the Internet and find all the
stories about people who have done work for

him contract work and
he just doesn’t pay out.

He just doesn’t pay them
and he holds them up in

courts for years and years
and then pays a fraction.

There was one I listened to.

It was this morning or
yesterday and it was a guy telling

a story of his friend had a
$3 million contract with Trump.

He just held off not
paying, dragged him

through courts and whatnot
ended up offering 1.5 million.

That guy went and paid off everyone who
had worked for him and then killed himself.

And he was, people were saying, like,
why don’t you give Trump a chance?

And he’s like, well,
because essentially Trump

inadvertently murdered
one of my friends.

What Trump is missing is
that by not taking care of

these people around him,
he’s not preserving himself.

Those people aren’t
going to take care of him.

It’s not going to go
forward into the future.

He’s not got a protective group
around him that’s going to hold.

And that’s what he really needs.

So, I mean, I don’t
know what’s going to

happen with the courts
and whatnot in America.

I’m very interested to see.

I would really like to
see Trump do jail time

because it’s so obvious that
he’s committed so many crimes.

I don’t know if they’re going to do it.

Like the worst thing
they did to Nixon when

he broke the rules
would say, like, okay, you

have to not be president
anymore, which is

scary because it means he
can commit all these crimes.

But because he was president,
he’s not going to go to prison.

I would really like to see him in prison.

Certainly another version of the same thing
is lack of self preservation and relates to

the in certification
episode streaming services.

We are watching streaming services
suffer the same fate in real time.

We had TV and then
we had cable and then we

had streaming streaming
was good and new and exciting.

We had movies on our
TV and it was really cool.

Then very recently, all these companies
are like, well, Netflix is working.

So I want to make our net fix.

Netflix we’re going to make Disney plus.

We’re going to make HBO.

We’re going to make this.

We’re going to have a million services.

Now I have to pay for packages.

So now it comes to,
well, let’s screw the

users, the stuff that
they liked that way

they were paying for
that they’re happy about.

Let’s screw it because
I’m not getting a

big enough cut for
myself, which means these

streaming services have now
broke themselves up into cable.

New year TV is less than 50% of TV now.

It’s down 12.5% compared to last year.

Cable makes up one third of TV time.

Broadcast TV makes up one fifth.

YouTube and Netflix makes one
fifth or more in most households.

But I can tell you I have two teens.

My two teens watch TikTok
and YouTube almost exclusively.

They barely watch television.

This is not the world
that streaming services

want because these kids
are growing up with this.

A world where you don’t pay for content.

Now, of course YouTube
has YouTube premium TikTok.

I’m sure it’s going to go paid someday.

But on the Internet,
what happens is they

get supplanted by another innovator, another
service that comes up with something.

TikTok is three, maybe four years old now.

It’s in its infancy.

YouTube’s been around since 2004.

But it’s the grandfather
of all these services

and other services have
come up to try to take it on.

They just haven’t quite hit it yet.

But it will happen.

I don’t think YouTube
can maintain the market

dominance because
it’s refusing to innovate

and is going through the
in-shitification process.

The problem is YouTube
like Facebook is so big

it’s going to take that
much longer for it to die.

Then what is the appeal?

All these services.

Netflix, Disney Plus, cable.

They all see YouTube and TikTok as the
main competition, the ones they have to be.

The problem is the appeal for people in
YouTube and TikTok and for the companies is

they appeal of creator
personalities and it’s

incredibly cheap and
it’s incredibly fast.

So volume is the key to success.

We saw Netflix for a while.

There was actually the
joke that Netflix would

greenlight any project
and put it out and

they put it out really fast
and it wasn’t very good.

They were essentially going for the
YouTube model of content creation.

But the problem is they
had to pay money to do it.

If you get a bunch of amateurs and you have
them make a movie, it’s not going to be

very good but then people are going to be
very forgiving because it’s very sincere.

Netflix is never going to feel sincere
when they make these cash grab movies.

You will notice that
every few years YouTube

creators start complaining about changes
to the YouTube algorithm or the YouTube

system or the YouTube advertising
so they make less and less money.

This is, again, the
in-shitification process,

YouTube is starting to abuse the
people that actually create the content.

Those people are going to start looking
somewhere else where they can make money.

TikTok came up.

It’s only four years
old and people are

already starting to make complaints
about the changes to the algorithm.

I am on TikTok and I am locked in the, what
they’re calling it, the 200 person jail.

None of my posts go viral in any way.

None of them get very big.

Unless it’s sort of forced on people.

So when I post something to
TikTok, it gets between two and

300 views and that’s the
algorithm at that point just drops it.

That is enough for a
small creator like myself

to keep going but it isn’t enough for me
to actually start making money off TikTok.

And that is actually the
place TikTok wants me to be.

They want to have creators making content.

Oh yeah, you are getting attention but not
enough that we can pay you sorry and then

we have few small creators
who have massive following.

And that is at this point very purposeful.

That is the first step in
the in-shitification of TikTok.

It’s four years old.

They are now starting to
abuse the content creators in

the, you know, so we can
manage this group of big creators.

We have all these other
people who are creating content.

So we’re going to pick
every time one of our big guys.

And trouble or disappears
or something happens.

We’re going to pick one
out, boost their content

and they will become
the next big creator.

So the volume of
content is now the primary

key to success in
content creation and having

a million amateurs like
me make content for your

platform means your
platform is full and it’s available.

And you know, the people can
actually decide what they want to watch.

The problem is these
viewing habits targeting

amateurs as the creators means
things like news now have less legitimacy.

I don’t know if that’s really
fair to say news source.

People’s viewing habits mean their
information comes from amateurs like me.

So I run a show called Ninja News Japan.

Ninja News Japan is news from
Japan and then I do commentary.

It’s supposed to be lightly comedic.

I try to make it amusing.

But it means any story
I put out there is out.

Now news sources
legitimate new news sources

pick up stories from
the Internet now because

they are trying to keep
up with amateur creators.

So recently little Tay the personality.

I don’t know if she
actually did a rap song.

Little Tay did I think it was TikTok.

Maybe it was Instagram.

Basically a 12 year
old looking kid made

brass statements about
how they make millions

of dollars and you don’t
would get in a car that

they can’t even drive
walk around apartment.

I mean I didn’t think
any of that was real

turns out that little Tay’s
mother was actually a realtor.

So they would go into
different houses and

just film because they had access
to these like pen houses and stuff.

And then claim it was theirs.

There was no way you couldn’t prove it.

Little Tay was reported to
be dead at like 16 years old.

A couple weeks later
little Tay comes back

on their own Instagram and
says my Instagram was hacked.

I’m not actually dead.

But legitimate news sources didn’t check.

They saw this story
running around the Internet.

So they decided, okay
well we got a report on this.

And that is the death of
investigative journalism.

Now I do an engineer’s Japan.

I feel enough of a responsibility that I
don’t just grab a story and run with it.

If I see a story and
I think this might be

a good story for an
engineer’s Japan, I have

a process I actually go through where I try
to find at least two or three articles from

different sources and compare them and
see if the facts are the same or different.

If the facts are all
different, either I won’t

do that story or
actually tell people what

the differences are and again
sort of a media awareness initiative.

So every now and then I’ll take, hey look
I got this story where they say A, I got

the same story on the
same topic where they

say B and I got this
third story on the same

topic where they say
C is in it interesting

that they all got slightly
different versions of the story.

US adults under the
age of 30, 25% of them are

getting their news from TikTok and
probably not like a news channel on TikTok.

They’re probably getting it from a
creator who is taking the news of the day,

acting it into something
that’s digestible and very quick.

I think also the way
they speak because when

I do an engineer’s
Japan, I don’t script it.

I have the stories, I
have the content and then

I start talking and that
makes it more organic.

I make mistakes, I’ll
make jokes, I’ll back

up and say stuff again,
but it makes it very

sincere, which again
is what I’m saying is

the problem with Netflix
when it went through

its creator or creation burst phase where
they were green lighting everything saying

like what we need as volume,
but it was in sincere volume.

People want news
and entertainment from

someone they can trust and
that trust is really important.

Problem is, trust may
be the most important

part now and no one
trust these big companies

and corporations because
these big companies and

corporations don’t seek
out self preservation

in the long run, which
means they don’t engage

with the actual
individuals, which means

they run through the
in-shitification process

and are willing to
actually burn their own

core and attempt to
create more money or more

value for themselves
that’s not sustainable.

And that is the
underpinning of everything I’ve

talked about right now
is how sustainable in

the long run are the
things that these companies

are doing and what what
effect does it have on us?

Well, the effect on us right now is
we’re going through a climate crisis.

We’re watching the world
burn down around us.

We’re not even getting the
entertainment we need or once.

I guess yeah, we don’t need entertainment.

We’re not getting the
entertainment we want.

Maybe the entertainment we
deserve because companies are

now at the point where
either they’re making garbage.

I guess actually we’re not making
anything right now because of

the writer’s strike, which I’m
finding endlessly fascinating.

They want AI to step in
and replace all the humans.

You want insincerity.

AI is legitimately to me the
representation of insincerity in creation.

And what are people looking for?

They’re looking for someone they can trust.

But it leads us into
this very dangerous thing

where maybe someone you trust
doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

It’s yesterday an article popped up on
my feed and it said, “Science is say human

caused global warming
is exasperating natural

disasters such as
fires and floods around

the world, making them both
more likely and more deadly.

Do you agree?”

Now, I want to point
out the first part of that

sentence is, “scientists
say I am not a scientist.

Therefore, my opinion on this
topic is completely irrelevant.

I should be listening to the scientists.

This was when people
were saying that coronavirus

was a hoax or it
wasn’t real or anything.

I’m like, “Well, what
are the scientists, the

people who study nothing
but virus is saying?”

Well, they’re saying you
should get this vaccine.

So I went and got the vaccine.

Scientists say we should recycle.

Well, then I think we
should probably recycle.

Why?

I’ve never studied a vaccine before.

I’ve never studied a disease before.

I have no idea what
to do in that situation.

How do we save the Earth?

Recycling?

Okay, I’ll recycle.

I think the biggest
problem when it comes to

recycling, I’ve said
this in an episode in

the past as well, is that we’re holding
people to a standard that we’re not holding

corporations to and
it’s this differentiation

between corporations and
how they act in individuals

and how they act and how we
treat them as being disparate.

Coca-Cola corporation
produces, I don’t know,

25% of the plastic
bottles on the planet.

Maybe Coca-Cola corporation
should be responsible

for recycling a percentage of
those bottles every single year.

Maybe it isn’t on the individual.

Maybe Coke should be
held to a standard where

they create recycling
centers and cities.

Maybe Coke should be
responsible for developing

the technology to
improve recycling returns.

That seems like a very
reasonable way forward for me.

I also don’t think
it’s going to happen

because society is still built
on money in this corporation.

It’s powerful where the individual isn’t.

So they put the bonus
on the individual to do

all the work to try to
save the Earth while

the company is trying
to burn everything down.

While big oil and
companies like that try

to just forge forward
and make as much money

as they can in the
little limited amount of

time they have left to
squeeze the Earth of oil.

Why are we listening to people
when scientists are saying something?

Honestly because it’s
just more content because

they’re doing exactly what
the streaming services want.

They’re doing what TikTok and YouTube want.

They want individuals to create
content for them on their behalf.

And it’s hopefully going
to come from a source they

trust and then they’re
going to listen to them.

All we can do is hope
that that individual

actually smart enough
to listen to a scientist.

I’m not a scientist and therefore my
opinion on these things does not matter.

In fact, straight up my
opinion just does not matter.

[Music].

Maybe I should buy Tommy
and Mike for his birthday.

Well next year.

No last year.

I don’t get him any.

I don’t, this is the thing.

Everyone’s all shit like birthday’s all.

But this is my whole point.

Like how many of his
birthdays have I missed?

Like 30.

Yeah.

So I just get him one
for his eighth birthday.

His eighth birthday.

Here you are.

It’s a bit late son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I mean, he gets a present.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Actually, because I’m from
Canada, my interactions

with police have all
been incredibly positive.

Yeah, you have to shout up
at them from like the horses.

I actually got pulled over
by a mountain on a horse.

Yeah.

It is the weirdest thing.

So like, because you could
hit his horse with your car.

Yeah.

And he and the horse would be fucked.

So I was a, there’s
Stanley Park in Vancouver.

So which you would be too though, right?

Only, okay, hogs.

But only if he gets like, but this is it.

I’m assuming if I hit
his horse and him hard

enough, he wouldn’t
remember my license plate.

Yeah.

So there’s Stanley Park.

It’s this giant park in
the middle of Vancouver.

And there’s a road that goes around it.

And I think I was going 50 in the 30 zone.

I was going too fast, fair enough.

And he started riding his
horse slowly out in front of me.

And I went around his horse and kept going.

And then I just heard this, stop.

Like in the loudest voice
I think I’ve ever heard.

And I just stopped my car.

Like I easily could have just kept going.

It was, it was a very interesting
effect I thought about afterwards.

He said it was such authority.

I did what he told me to do.

Shit.

Yeah, that guy’s, that guy’s the boss.

And then he, he, he
treindled up on his horse.

I don’t know what slow.

I guess it’s not, trotted.

He, he, he.

Driesaged.

He just sized to my car.

And, and then he like leaned down.

He had to lean down past
the horse’s head to talk

into my car and be like,
you’re going too fast.

Don’t be an asshole.

And I was like, I’m sorry.

Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

Sorry, sir.

I won’t do it again.

And then he just let me go.

He let me go with him warning.

It’s quite nice.

I think if I kept going, I would
have been a lot of trouble.

But I think because I stopped he
was like, oh, he didn’t mean to be a dick.

He was just a dick.

That was, oh, that was me the other day.

Went 7-11 and I bought
one of the buy ice-caffey lati.

But I picked up the ice coffee
cup and didn’t think about it.

And just paid for it, went
to the machine, put it in.

Ice-caffey lati.

And then the, the dude that sold
to me, what were our new site?

That’s a nice coffee lati.

And I was like, yeah.

And he’s like, this is a nice coffee lati.

And I was like, is there a
problem with the machine?

I don’t, what, yeah, what are you doing?

Why are you talking to me?

He’s like, what is going on?

And he’s like, you bought ice coffee.

And I was like, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

I’m really sorry.

He went, ah, it’s all right this time.

I think obviously like he could
see the realization in my face.

Yeah.

Yeah, I’m sure they get people to do that.

No, no, that was an interesting story.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was this guy who consistently
bought the cheaper drink and fucked off.

And then the manager like confronted him.

It was one of those ones
where like the manager

ends up on the top of his
car and he’s driving away.

Oh my God.

It was fucking ridiculous.

I don’t know how long ago
it was, but I remember that

story because it ends up
like in a near death situation.

Over over over, like, excuse me.

Less than 10.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a ridiculously small amount of money.

And my wife was like,
well, how would he know?

And I was like, well, he
sold me the coffee cup

and then I assumed on
the back of the machine.

It’s telling them.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s something.

It has to be.

There has to be
something that’s going like,

hey, this guy is
buying the good coffee.

Well, I mean, if it was busy, I doubt
that they would have chance to notice.

It was like night time and it was quiet.

So yeah, I felt like a dick.

And he’s like, I don’t worry about it.

And I saw a guy when I
bought like a nice latte and just.

And then got another one.

I was like, did that fix it?

I don’t think so.

But I just bought one and got another
drink anyway because I’m saying, I’m sorry.

But one of those ones
where no one gets killed.

So I was all right.

Because that’s it.

If you’d like run out of this punch
him in the face and run out of the store.

I wasn’t like, I wasn’t aggressive.

I was just like, what?

Because you’re confused.

This is actually the
problem is he thinks his

initial thought is you’re
ripping him off on purpose.

Your confused so your
reaction is almost the same as

someone who’s pretending
they don’t know what’s going on.

Because you’re trying to rip him off.

But then the clarification of like, no, I
actually have no clue what’s going on.

He’s like, oh, okay, then it’s fine.

I saw him the next day and I said,
I’m really sorry about the other day.

I went, oh, I’m sorry.

I don’t speak English.

Oh, that was like the word about it, bro.

And then you saw him some English lessons.

I made millions off this guy.

And then went and stole another coffee.

Oh, wait, what?

No.

Then I fucked his life.

All right.

So the podcast, I
found an article and I

thought it would be fun
to go through together.

I was going to do it by
myself, but I thought a second

point of view would make
it just that much better.

So a better point of view.

Yeah.

Ah, not necessarily better.

More just just an
alternative slightly different.

Maybe slightly worse.

Yeah.

Who knows?

We’ll find out second rate.

So I’m going to read bit by bit.

And then we can just have a little chat.

So this is an article
about some history

history happened in
the history of bit by bit.

No, the history of the French impotence.

I got to say that word right if I’m
going to do it for the rest of the podcast.

Just as intimidating to many
men were the French impotence

courts of the 16th and 17th
centuries in France when

husbands could be charged
with erectile dysfunction

were obliged to prove the
virility before witnesses.

Oh, okay.

So you can see where
this is already starting.

Yeah.

It was very difficult.

It would be the French.

Of course, it’s the French.

But this was it seems like
this was constructed to give

women an Avenue to escape
a marriage through divorce.

Because there weren’t
in a 16th, 17th centuries.

It was really hard for a
woman to get a divorce.

Yeah.

So this was this was
something they could charge

their husband with and
therefore then get a divorce.

Okay, I’ll do the first paragraph.

A husband’s inability to perform
was one of the few reasons

that the church would allow
a marriage to be annulled.

So disgruntled women
who could afford the legal

costs could right would regularly
charge their husbands with.

This is in quotes.

Injurous nonconsumption.

Injurous.

Before ecclesiastical courts.

Like illegal tradition dated back to
the 1300s when theologica, theological,

Jesus Christ, theologica,
theologica, theologica, jogged, jogged.

Can you say it?

Theological, theologica guns,
guns, theologians, theologians.

Fuck me.

Agreed that.

Can I maybe?

Maybe.

Theologians.

Can I not read?

Self-realization at the same time.

I do.

I do.

You know, those words
you’ve read your whole

life and then you’ve
never said them out loud.

Like I know the word.

Yeah.

Theologians, I can say, but theologians.

Seems weird.

Anyways, agreed that the true
aim of matrimony was procreation.

This is a very American.

Tommy just jumps in the chat
because you’re both saying it wrong.

Well, I guess one of us isn’t
here to pronounce it properly.

I guess fuck that guy, right?

Theologians.

Theologians.

Theologians.

Theologians.

Oh, he jumped to the chat.

They say it’s aologians.

Theologians.

Theologians.

Theologians.

No, no, no.

No, gians.

Just theologians.

Theologians.

Why didn’t they spell it right then?

Yes, seriously.

Take that eye out and
I would have got it right.

I would have theologians.

Oh, theologians.

That’s my chance.

It’s theologians, but.

Oh, that’s awesome.

He fucked in to fuck us
off and then fucked off.

Yeah.

All right.

So theologians, thank you.

Thank you, our friend for correcting us.

Theologians agree it was the truth.

I’m going to start this whole bit again.

Okay.

A husband’s inability
to perform was one of

the few reasons that the church
would be allow a marriage to be annulled.

So disgruntled women who could afford
the legal cost would regularly charge their

husbands with injurious
non-consumation before a cliche.

Ah, fuck.

A cliche elasical.

Oh, the church people.

Yeah, before the church man.

Yeah.

The legal tradition dated
back to the 1300s when

philosophy people agreed that the
true aim of matrimony was procreation.

This was a very, to
me, actually interesting.

This is a very American
idea at this point

because the church in
most countries to me has

diminished its power and value.

And so like marriage
for procreation isn’t as

much of a thing, but
in America with their,

like, let’s roll back the abortion
rights and things like that.

I think this is now an American.

This is a talking about like a 1600s
European sensibility and it’s modern America.

There’s some interesting
parallels there that I pulled out.

Yep.

So why, what do you
think this was like, I

want to do some questions
every now and then?

What do you think the
purpose of marriage is?

Why would you get married?

Because you’re married.

I’m married.

We got married not to
each other unfortunately.

Fortunately, yeah.

Yeah.

What is the purpose
of marriage to you to

spend your life with a
person that you want to?

Like, there’s no purpose
beyond that for me.

No, okay.

Because for me, it’s just taxes.

Because you can spend your life
with someone without being married.

Yeah, common law marriage.

Like that’s a thing.

So for me, marriage
is to bind your finances

together for tax reasons
more than anything else.

And you would only do that with one
person and it’s the person you truly love.

So it’s a weird romantic financial idea.

But for me, marriage
is a financial institution.

It has nothing to do with love.

I don’t know.

For me, I never thought
about anything else apart

from like, I want to spend
my life with this woman.

And like, everything in my culture told
me that I should be married to do that.

I’m not, yeah, okay.

And so I did it.

And like, I might get married as fun.

I enjoyed watching her enjoy it.

Yes.

Fuck.

Yes, I agree with that as well.

I did not give a fuck
about getting married.

Not the ceremony or
anything or any level, but

I enjoyed seeing her
dress up like a Princess.

And I did.

I actually did.

Yeah, no, I agree.

I think I took more
pleasure in the pleasure

of my wife getting
married than I did myself.

I think that’s fair.

Because this goes
to the argument of gay

marriage of like why
they shouldn’t shouldn’t.

If the purpose of
marriage is procreation,

then you could say that
gay marriage is wrong.

But if you take sort of my
philosophy that it’s really about

finances and taxation, then gay
marriage is not an issue anymore.

Because you’re just binding
your finances together so

you have certain rights
that other people don’t have.

Because it’s definitely changed, right?

Marriage wasn’t about taxes in the past.

It was about like ownership, right?

Yeah, I think that’s true.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because especially, especially in
modern times, I think it’s about the taxes.

And again, like the rights, so
like your partner’s dying and the

right to go see them, that being
denied is like I, that’s just cool.

I guess that’s why like prenups
is such a big deal in, in America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There’s a soccer player.

Fuck it was awesome.

So they make tons of money.

So European soccer player, he’s
like Premier League’s top level.

He’s making millions and
millions and millions of dollars.

He has that salary go to his mother.

He gets married.

His wife doesn’t know.

So they get a prenup or
they don’t get a prenup.

I guess they don’t get a prenup.

And after X-Men years, they get divorced.

And all of a sudden, she’s like, I
should be getting millions of dollars.

Like, well, no, he doesn’t have any money.

His mother has all his money
and she just gives him an allowance.

And he just, she just pays for everything.

It’s not boy.

It was, it was a very interesting thing.

We are at the legal traditions, they
dated back to the 1300s with theologians.

Philosophy.

I know I did.

Philosophy people agreed that the
true aim of match money’s procreation.

Statistics are vague, but by
the 1500s says French historian

Pierre Darmal, Pierre
Dormal, in his detailed account,

damning the innocent courts were
faced with a tidal wave of accusations.

So in the 1500s, suddenly women realized
they could do this and started doing it.

The honest was, yeah, I know
that’s actually pretty insane.

Do you agree from it, but reverse?

Well, it’s, it’s actually, yeah.

The, the interesting thing to me is
it does only rich people could do it.

Yeah.

So that was interesting.

The honest was placed on the husband to
demonstrate his powers of erection before

an expert team of priests,
surgeons and midwives.

These learned observers would carefully
examine his equipment to reach an opinion

on its elastic tension
and natural motion before.

demanding proof of ejaculation.

Did he have to Jack in
front of a group of people?

So yeah, but I mean, it
looked like the group of people.

Priests, surgeons and midwives.

I would say not the
hottest group of people.

No.

I mean, yeah, not if I would have
been young, they would have been old.

Yes.

So like, I’m, and so
that they’re saying is like,

okay, you get a bowler
and we’re going to look at it.

Now.

Now.

Now.

So now you do in the next
two minutes, get a bowler.

We’re going to check elastic tension.

I have no idea.

This is it.

You’re going to touch it.

What is it?

Do you think that means touching it?

I have no idea what that means.

We have to get like,
they could just like, I

think a life that they
could just look at it.

And that would be enough.

But I bet it isn’t the
last attention to me.

Okay.

So maybe they like push
it down and what to get.

That is closer to what I was thinking.

I was thinking like if you like,
yeah, moved it, if it bounced back.

Yeah.

So like, essentially elastic tension
to me sounds like, is it hard hard?

Not is it like floppy?

Like, yeah.

Like you get like a semi semi.

I think we need to just
mispronounce everything going forward.

I’m okay with that.

I mean, because I do it naturally anyway.

Okay.

So what do you think?

So we have elastic
tension and natural motion.

What do you think natural motion means?

Natural motion is it hard?

Not as in the previous part.

I so, so when you get
a boner for anyone who

doesn’t have one or know about
them very well, you can move them.

They can, you can flex
your sort of like, he goal.

And they will, and they
will move back and forth.

So that to me was natural motion.

Unless they’re talking about hip thrusting.

Maybe yeah.

Which is insane.

Oh, actually put this on screen.

Like like just like like air humping.

I guess.

So natural motion.

Yeah, to me was was a crazy.

I don’t know what that that’s it because
they, we have these phrases and stuff,

but there’s no explanation
of what they mean.

So elastic tension.

I don’t know what that means.

Natural motion.

I don’t know what that means.

And then.

The last one we do is very clear
what it means proof of ejaculation.

Yeah.

And like the first one
you can like elastic tension.

You’re like, okay, I can.

Oh, you know, you know, you
know, you know, you’re pretty good.

Yeah, that has to be humping.

Oh, yeah, I’m just saying anything.

Like show us your technique.

Reif ejaculation.

So that means you have to ejaculate in
front of a crowd, which I do not want to do.

Like honestly, this is
the serious question.

So you are stood in front of a priest.

It sounds like a joke.

A priest, a surgeon in a midwife.

And they’re like, okay,
ejaculate for us now on command.

I couldn’t do it.

I’d give it like if
I can scout, try.

Oh, I don’t think I would even get halfway.

I don’t know something
about someone telling me

with the I don’t think I
would even get halfway.

I don’t know something about
someone telling me with pid out Jack off.

I’ll be like, oh, the
priest does it for you.

Okay.

Can it be the midwife?

Nope.

Nope.

I get your British.

You have that British background.

So the priest, the priest is
the one who’s getting it for it.

No, it was a proof of ejaculation.

I think it’s impossible.

Fine.

I think just maintaining a direction.

If I could go, this is one of those things.

You’d be like there you’re like
community leaders or, you know,

and they’re like, come on, show me.

Show me where.

Yeah, it’s weird.

Now get it hard.

I need to blame it.

I need to blame it.

Can we need to see you pretend
hump and then you have to.

And then I want you to see you.

Yeah.

I think I would fail this test.

That’s all.

That was my first thought.

Can you see that being a thing?

If I could go away to a little
room and come back with

a cup, I bet I could
manage it, but I still don’t.

I’m not on percent.

That’s tough.

Anyway, so like his next
next part, many men found

their powers would
fade on first examination.

So this is again, your first time in
only fans, I bet your show isn’t very good.

Yeah.

I think that’s fair.

All right.

Just looking at you makes
me shrivel one humiliated

husband, moan to his
tormentor, which fair enough.

That’s again, that’s
my thinking is like just

seeing you guys makes
me not able to do it.

Any man who failed this test had one
recourse to avoid becoming a laughing star.

He could demand trial by Congress.

Great.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Okay.

I think he’s a part of
his conjugal duty before

a team of experts as 100%
proof he could perform.

So basically, if you couldn’t get
it up and masturbate in front of a.

priest, a surgeon and a
midwife, and to completion,

you could then try to
have sex in front of a group.

I mean, I maybe you’d
be better, but I don’t know.

So the only difference here, right?

I had stories of lots of dudes
who just can’t perform the first time.

So I’m thinking that the only changed element
though is that there is a woman there.

The problem is this is the
woman who is angry at you.

Yeah.

So like if it was like, okay, let’s get a
hot woman and have sex in front of a group.

I think there’s a possibility,
but let’s get your angry

wife in here and have
sex in front of a group.

I think that is almost just as bad.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Like, especially like wives, right?

There’s a lot of…

Well, there’s a lot of
psychological issues that

go in there beyond to
just sheer raw sexual alley.

That’s what I’m saying.

Like, if it was just sex, I think
you have a better shot than you.

have now had this relationship
that’s clearly gone sour.

And that makes it 10 times harder.

All right.

So as recounted by a string of
contemporary accounts, this astonishing

piece of legal pornography
would take place in

a neutral territory
agreed upon both parties.

That, again, what do you
think is neutral territory

to have sex in front
of a group of people?

In the courthouse?

It has the park.

Oh, you just look at a park.

Yeah, okay.

Let’s get everyone around and watch.

Like, in town center.

[laughs]

I swear it has to be… My
guess they would have to have…

They would like, let’s get a bed.

So it must be like an inn, a local inn.

Yeah.

Glin’ yeah.

Okay.

So the married couple
were examined by the court

to make sure they were
not concealing any devices.

So this was like, I don’t have a fake
heinous with fake ejaculate in it, I guess.

Oh, we’ll keep reading.

Men were known to smuggle
tiny vials of blood into the scene,

which would fool observers
into thinking that the wife’s

maiden had been taken
without actual penetration.

So this is also assuming
that the wife is a virgin.

Mm.

And so basically you get into
bed, you spill some blood on the bed,

and you’re like, look, I
have taken her virginity.

It doesn’t say.

The cause of the time, yeah, this is hot.

Like she’s not going
to let it happen, right?

She’s trying to get out of this marriage.

And he’s trying to like
prove that he’s done it.

This is like legally sponsored or like
state-sponsored rape at this point.

But she has to agree to it as well.

So I guess it’s not.

Just to agree to participation,
to prove that he can’t do it,

and he has to agree to participation
to prove that he can do it.

It’s insane.

So then ordered to the conjugal bed.

So they actually have a bed.

They go to the bed, and
they’re supposed to try to do it.

The male surgeons and
priests repaired behind

a partition to enjoy
discrete observations.

So they went behind
like a sheet of paper, her?

Okay.

And the female midwives, purchased by
the pillows, watched every move like hawks.

So this is like mid-summer.

You see that movie?

Oh, but this is the
drug a guy, and then the

he’s like in like almost
like a zombie state,

and they bring him into this
room with all these old ladies

and a young lady who
wants to get him preginated.

And they he just does what it.

So there’s a scene of one of
the old ladies like pushing his butt.

back and forth to make him hump the girl.

Oh my god.

It was that movie is very weird.

I do like that movie though.

But yeah.

So you’re trying to do
it to prove that you can.

She doesn’t want you to be successful.

And there’s like old women perched along
the pillows watching what you’re doing.

Yeah, like with a magnifying glass.

Yeah.

And they’re like, “Okay,
you’re not very good at this.”

Mm-hmm.

So with the husband
and wife longest dreams,

the wrestling beneath the
sheets would be far from amiable.

So this is kind of my actual point.

That psychological element
is the biggest barrier to me.

Yeah.

Beyond physicality.

She’s like, “I don’t want this to work.”

Oh my god.

Yeah, I hope he can’t get it out.

So there was bickering in
harsh words with one wife crying

that her husband had
put his fingers there in

to dilate and open her
by such means alone.

So to basically like he’s
faking it with his fingers

as opposed to actually doing it.

Is he?

I mean, I’m not going to interpret that as
he’s trying to at least like get it open.

So get her started.

Yeah.

Okay.

My base assumption is
that he can’t get it out.

My base assumption is that she’s resisting
with love free fiber of her being.

I guess both are probably true.

Sure.

To be honest.

Okay.

One critic of the trials noted
that it would take only a marvelous,

marvelous determined man and
even brutish to not turn flaccid.

So yes, you have to not care about
your wife, not care about the person

you’re having sex with, not
care that there are old ladies

perched on your bed, not
care about there are other

men in the room listening
to be able to perform.

One hell of a kinky bust.

Impossible.

Yeah.

Just a guy who just does not
care about anything or anyone.

After one or two hours hours, the
experts approach the battle scene.

I do like this.

Whoever wrote this pretty good approach
the battle scene with candles to establish

whether or not there have been
penetration and suitable emissions.

So you have to have
like a sufficient wet spot.

Yeah.

One defeated husband, a
certain most yield to Bure,

although his member had been
declared by the doctor’s big stiff red and

long in place and in good
order lost his case as

he only scattered back
we see it upon the mattress.

So his ejaculate was too liquidy
for him to be considered a man.

Oh my God.

So he was able to get it up.

It was some turgid.

I’m actually thinking in the place
because the examination before they said.

it’s big stiff red and long, which
means he got it up in good order.

And then like, I agree.

Oh, he’s got it.

Yeah.

And then he does it with his wife and
they’re like, Ah, but the semen is pretty.

Come on, buddy.

Oh, can you see more cucumbers?

Yeah, a bit more protein
than you die at buddy.

Oh, so that’s it.

So he even like seems to have passed
the first test and failed the second one.

Okay.

The women who had the
funds to start impedance

trials were almost all
from the restocracy.

Almost said that wrong as well.

So it’s not surprising
that each new charge.

How did you see you did say it wrong?

I was a vistocracy.

I was a vistocracy.

No, I’m not sure.

I was a Christi.

I was a Christi.

I was a Christi.

I was a aristocracy.

I was a aristocracy.

I was a aristocracy.

I was a aristocracy.

A aristocracy.

There was some word we
were doing the other day.

And it was the British people and
the American people said it differently.

Really?

I can’t remember the word no though.

It was lost.

Okay.

Rooster, Chrissy.

No.

I was talk.

I was talk.

I was right.

The accent is on the O.

Yeah.

Oh, there’s another word coming up.

I’m not excited to hear pronounced what?

Salacious?

Nope.

Pen for the tears.

Oh.

I’m having that’s a weird
struggle I’m having right now.

Anyway, is he trying to read it fast?

I am.

And I had a quarter ball
of B-feeder for lunch.

Oh.

Okay.

Anyways, the women
who had the funds to start

the impotence trials
were almost all from the

aristocracy.

aristocracy.

Fuck off.

aristocracy.

So it’s not surprising
that each new charge

provoked a salacious
scandal that was disseminated.

who disseminated by
Parisian pamphletiers, the

predecessors of the
modern tabloid press to

a bemused wider audience
by the mid 17th century.

Oh my god.

This would be like just the average focal.

What the fuck are these?

Fuck are these people doing?

And we get to read about it.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Like this is like the most famous,
what’s the most famous couple to you?

What would you mean like now?

Yeah.

Modern couple.

Like most two famous
people who’ve gotten together.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.

Okay.

There’s no judgment.

I’m just interested
because for me it’s excellent.

I think of.

Yeah.

The first one that comes to mind for
me is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

Because they’ve been together and then
they got made fun of these two together.

They’ve broken up and
gotten together a couple times.

And I think they’re together right now.

But the only reason they come to mind very
much like this is they went to have sex in

a trailer and one of them still
had a hot mic on or in the room.

And then Ben Affleck starts
going like, are you sure you’re okay?

I don’t want you to poop
on me again like last time.

So she had had some
some diarrhea or something

while they had sex in
a previous encounter.

Oh my god.

I hadn’t heard about that.

Oh, it’s pretty funny
because the guy it’s

just like a sound
engineer is like, oh my god.

His mic is still hot.

And then he realizes they’re
about to get down and dirty.

And then they start
having this very, very

personal conversation about like, are you
okay to have sex because you pooped on me?

No, I’m purpose.

No, but still.

Wow.

But used wider audience.

Yeah, that was me in that moment.

I was the bemused wider audience.

Yeah.

Okay, so by the mid
17th century, a carnival

atmosphere was attending
the trials as that should be.

I shown by the case
of the handsome young

nobleman, René de Carl
Dio, the Marquis de Langlé.

I can do the French bits.

Okay.

I mean, La Re.

I’m courted in detail by the contemporary
chronicler of the Parisian life, Tlemo de

Rieu accused of impotence
by his wife of four years in 1657.

So he was pissed.

But so the assumption is that they never
had sex or that I think that’s what I mean.

Like this actual part doesn’t make sense.

Maybe it’s that they had sex,
but they hadn’t procreated.

And if the purpose of marriage is
procration and he can’t do it now.

Okay.

She’s like, carry on though,
because they kind of aren’t.

The Marquis appeared
to have an open and shut

case when the first
examination suggested

that his wife was not a virgin, but
there was lingering doubt and innuendo.

So the Marquis decided to restore his
sullied reputation through trial by Congress.

Trial by Congress.

This is so good.

I know because like I’m so used to hearing
like American Congress and then it’s like,

okay, so they’re going in front
of like a meaningful of senators.

Yeah.

In just for the case.

No, no, it’s just a bunch of the old
French men to watch some people.

Fuck.

Yeah.

And then like judged them for it.

Yeah.

Oh, he was he was in there and
doing okay, but not vigorous like me.

You know, his natural
emotion disappointing.

I was disappointed in his natural
emotion and his semen was acquiesced.

You know, I don’t like it very much.

His wife should be free from him.

So I can treat her right.

This might be like a weird kind
of like white nighting going on.

Oh, God.

It’s the beginning of the
the nice guy movement.

I might be the guys judging her like,
oh, I can save her can save her in Paris.

Betts were laid on the outcome of the trial
and dirty songs composed because people in

Paris were like me.

Because I would bet I love.

Yeah, but I 100% would have bet on
the outcome and sit there, et cetera.

I’m writing dirty songs.

Oh, it was so much fun.

What was his name again?

The Marquis de
la He likes to party.

I need a friend who plays
guitar and who I can write

shitty songs to who I actually
like play the guitar form.

Because I would do that.

I would if I had that, I
would write a song for this.

Okay.

Okay.

I don’t have friends with talent.

Yeah.

Um, society like no.

Oh, society ladies,
fairly with the Marquis.

So this is a handsome dude who’s
attracted like women are attracted to him.

Society ladies for
flirted with the Marquis

with a certain madam
de l’olle declaring openly.

I would so like to be
condemned trial by Congress.

You saucy slot.

When the feuding couple appeared
at the site, a luxurious bath house.

So this is now we’re actually getting
the details we didn’t have before.

Servants had to add neutral neutral.

Neutral territory is a bath
house and luxurious bath house.

It’s pretty awesome.

It’s couple.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Servants had to force a path
through the crowd of curiosity seekers.

So not even a walk of shame.

This is the walk up to the deed.

You had to walk through
a crowd, which is insane.

Is that, is that still a walk of shame
if everyone knows where you’re going?

The walk of shame, my understanding
is, I guess you’ve done it in your walk.

Because my version of that,
you’ve got the same clothes on.

Yeah.

Kind of leaving someone’s everyone
knows what you did is the shame part.

Yeah.

But everyone knows what you’re going to do.

It’s like pre-shame.

Yeah, but like they all show you.

You must still feel
shame then at that point.

You feel, yeah, you feel shame
before you’ve even done it.

This is like, this is like in Game of
Thrones where you’re walking up and they’re.

like, shame, shame, shame.

All right.

The mob sympathy was squarely
with the dashing de la Jay.

So the guy’s got everyone
on his side right now who

was thought to have been
falsely accused by a heridian.

I don’t know this word.

So the other words, I know and cannot
say I actually don’t know this word.

So I want to look that up actually later.

Heridian.

Heridian.

The wife was loudly booed against
her performance is not on trial.

So that’s actually annoying.

The wife is loudly booed while the marquee
strutted arrogantly before his admirers for

all the world as if you were
already in such a great quote.

Haradin is Haradin is a strict
bossy, belligerent old woman.

I can now use that word at
the office and walk away, smugly.

Yeah, you are a giant.

John, telly.

Ter, as if I were already in.

Okay.

As he slipped beneath
the sheets with his wife,

the long age jauntily
yelled at the doctors,

bring me two fresh eggs that I
may get her a son at the first shot.

Oh, I do.

Okay.

Yeah.

He’s this is the pre fight where the guy
gets cocky and then gets his ass kicked.

So as soon as he
started talking too much,

you got to go in and be
like, I’m going to do my best.

I mean, I hate the guys who are like, I’m
going to kill them in like the first round.

I’m going to knock them
down and then get wrecked.

But disaster struck.

The marquee was heard by the doctors to be
grunting, cursing and finally praying after

two hours to Langley
gave up crying, I am ruined.

Dude could not perform in front of a
crowd and that to me is the core issue.

Yeah.

Whether you could do it or not at home,
put a bunch of people out there, scrutiny.

Yeah.

You can’t do it.

Like trying to have sex in
front of your grandparents.

Oh, God.

That’s what it would be like though.

Yeah.

Oh, no, it would be terrible.

Okay.

We’re in the last paragraph.

The chalk waves rippled
through the crowd outside

the female admiration and the female
admiration for Delongley to discord.

So because he couldn’t do it, they’re
all like, oh, he’s gross and pathetic.

His request for a
retrial was denied and in

France, his name became
a byword for flaccidity.

Imagine that.

So we got whiskey dick and
they got the marquee Delangi.

Yeah, he turned all Delangi on me.

Marquis retired to the provinces where
he married again and fired seven children.

Huh.

So he was capable when Delangi boasted
of this to a former enemy, the man, Archley

replied, but sir, nobody has ever
had any doubts about your wife.

Oh, like again, these these high, high brow
fucking one line is totally evading me.

Really?

Yeah.

So what the fuck does that mean?

Like he’s he’s bragging
that he had seven

kids and like, dude, no one ever
doubted your wife could have kids.

We all doubted your ability to get a boner.

Yeah, but he clearly did doesn’t make
any sense because they have seven kids.

So he clearly because this
has nothing about reality.

This is about reputation.

Oh my God.

No, but it is sexual prowess.

Yeah, yeah, it is though.

Oh my God.

All right.

Let me get some credit to
the guy who actually wrote it.

This is Tony Petrolte.

I don’t know if that’s actually, I said
that right, but just make sure someone gets

some credit for
actually writing this thing.

This is taken from a book
called Napoleon’s Privates.

So, amen.

Two thousand five hundred
years of history unzipped.

Oh, interesting.

I actually am vaguely
interested in this book now.

So in conclusion, I could
not pass a trial by Congress.

I don’t believe.

No, glad shit like that doesn’t exist now.

Yeah.

And there was a TV show in the
UK called the box or something.

Oh, it would go on and then have sex in
this box with like Mariela Fostrop, like sat

outside and then they come out
and they talk about the experience.

But they were couples or
they didn’t know each other.

No, they were couples.

Okay, who wanted to
go and have said like,

I’m like, like, A, the premise
is just asking for exhibitionists.

Yeah.

And B, I bet most people
didn’t actually even fuck in there.

Oh, yeah.

I guess I mean, maybe
someone tried and

couldn’t and then just came out and lied
because they didn’t want to look bad on.

I don’t know.

There’s a whole lot of
like, it’s weird TV show.

I mean, and this naked
attraction, you know, that one?

Yeah, you walk out nude.

It’s just one of those ones where
they’re like, are they all your covered?

And then they start
like your feet and then

they slowly go up and
up and reveal your body.

Hmm.

When the face being
the last thing you actually

see, so you made a
ton of judgments before

them, which is weird.

On TikTok, you see
a lot of clips of these

like dating shows, but it’s from
like a bunch of different countries.

They had one in Korea and it
was two incredibly attractive people.

And then like 10 seconds
and like they want to fuck.

Like just looking at
each other like he got

his shirt off as quickly
as humanly possible.

And then he had an awesome body.

Like he had like the eight pack and
like the the cum gutters and stuff.

And then she was
like, Oh, they’ve, I’ve

pulled a card that I can
go change my clothes.

She’s come back in a made uniform and
he’s like trying not to stand up and stuff.

I guess human nature hasn’t really changed.

[MUSIC].

[Music]

So I watched a lot of comedy on TikTok and it has…

The algorithms obviously figured out I like comedians and it maybe

is figured out I’m old as well so it thought I would like this

which is a very interesting choice. I was interested in it.

“MZ doesn’t know how to write a check. They don’t know how

to address an envelope. They don’t know how to read cursive.”

So she’s saying what? They don’t know how to write a check.

They don’t know how to read cursive. What was the second one?

It’s a second one on the… “They don’t know how to read a paper map.”

Oh, they don’t know how to read a paper map. Okay. What she’s actually

done is listed off a set of skills that people don’t need anymore.

I was of the age of people who wrote checks. I have not

written a check easily since I was 20 years old. I’m 50.

So in the last 30 years I have not written a check. I am basically of

the generation she’s talking about that is capable of writing a check.

I know how to write a check. I have not done

it. It is a skill that is completely useless.

As far as reading cursive, people put a lot of stock into

that. I don’t actually see the value in writing cursive.

People don’t read cursive anymore because cursive is not relevant.

That’s actually what if you take her underpinning. This comedy is so low bar.

She’s basically listed off a series of skills that

her generation has. The following generation doesn’t.

And then the people in the audience laugh. That actually was a bit that I found funny.

People were laughing at this because I didn’t laugh at

the first part because I didn’t understand what was funny.

That young people can’t read cursive isn’t inherently funny.

Young people need a paper map. Can’t read a paper map. But they do have GPS.

People try to make fun of them for that. I don’t actually see it as a problem

because I took a minute and I made a list of some other things that boomers can’t do.

Let’s actually let her finish her joke and comment on that first.

They can’t get anywhere unless there’s a GPS map

on their phone. All I’m saying is a gentleman.

The irony there though is I bet she can’t use the GPS map on her phone.

So boomers famously are very poor at using technology.

So it’s really hard. I don’t see this as a picture maybe in my brain.

It’s like how can you make fun of someone who is able to use

something and relies on that thing that you cannot even use?

So there’s kind of a weird irony there. The

next sense is if Gen Z takes over the world.

Gen Z takes over the world. It’s going to be pretty easy to get it back.

I don’t see how those things correlate because what are

you going to do to take over the world with cursive?

What skill have you just espoused that is going to help you take over the world?

So the world we live in is technology based. What are you going to write a check?

And that’s going to help you take over the

world. You’re going to write a letter in cursive.

And that’s going to be some like secret script

that the Gen Z isn’t going to be able to read.

And so you can pass your secrets back and forth. But

you can’t do a technology because you can’t use any.

fucking email or anything. Are you going to use

your paper maps to outwit Gen Z that has GPS,

abilities? I mean, this is what I’m saying. The skills you’ve listed are relevant.

Gen Z is going to take over the world probably

mainly because you’re going to die. I mean,

you’re not going to be taking it back because you’re going to be dead.

The audience laughing at this. I didn’t

laugh because to me there was no actual joke.

They’re laughing hard. So this relies on the

audience agreeing with your sentiments having had

this kind of conversation in the first place in

their life. I do like, if you can watch the video,

in the front row there’s a dude. He’s got the American flag shirt on.

The irony there. There’s actually really big irony.

People who wear the American flag have not read

the rules about how you treat the flag. You’re

not supposed to wear the flag as clothing. So like

American flag pants and underwear and bikinis,

American flag shirts, bandanas and stuff.

You’re actually not supposed to do that. That

is technically disrespect them to the flag.

According to America, and that’s the irony. So

I wanted to get some of the better feel for her

comedy routine. I want to let her start from

the beginning, get a feel for her comedy,

and then see if I could maybe replicate the power of this in my own way.

Gen Z doesn’t know how to write a check. They don’t know how to address an envelope.

They don’t know how to read cursive. They don’t know how to read a paper map.

They can’t get anywhere unless there’s a GPS

map on their phone. All I’m saying is that Gen Z

takes over the world. It’s going to be pretty easy to get it back.

Man, they laughed really hard at that. Like way harder than they should. That is.

insane that they found it as funny as they did.

All right, so I went and found some things. So.

boomers can’t be a galley roller. Boomers don’t know how to use a knocker upper.

Boomers don’t even employ caddy butchers

anymore. Boomers don’t know how to use a beam of

test. They can’t operate a lino type machine and

they couldn’t even set bowling pins manually.

I’m just saying if boomers try to take over the

world, it’s going to be pretty easy to take it back.

Just so I what I did as I went and found a

list of jobs that don’t exist anymore. A galley

roller in a large, large ship they used to have

hundreds and maybe even thousands of people

hacked as rowers. They used to row the ship and

then they invented sales. And the sailing ships

were much faster, much more efficient than the

rowing and people didn’t have to die doing it not

as much. I mean people did die in sailing ships

but for totally different reasons. A knocker upper.

takes on very different meaning in modern parlons

but a knocker upper is someone who wakes you up.

So they come to your house, they knock on the door

and you get up and you get up. So a knocker upper.

A knocker upper was replaced by the alarm clock.

A caddy butcher was a very interesting job.

A caddy butcher is someone who is basically a

butcher for horses but because people don’t eat

horses anymore, like they don’t use caddy butchers.

A beam attest is a person who used to count steps

physically to measure distances. That was replaced

by the paper map. So an entire job industry

was replaced by paper maps. Boomers can’t operate

line-on-type machines. That is when you should do

type-setting basically. You have to take the

letters and put them in place and then it’s like a

heat thing. It was replaced by digital technology.

Oh big shock. And they couldn’t even set

bowling pins manually because that actually used

to be someone’s job. They didn’t have a machine

that picked up all the bowling pins and then put

them down. They have a big claw now that picks

them up, puts them in place and puts them down

physically. So the irony there is everything she’s

talked about has replaced some other technology

that was proceeding it. There are a dozen versions

of that joke. They all rely on you saying things

to your audience that your audience always

already agrees with which is not a joke. So first

of all if you have a listicle that’s not a joke.

and then going, “Ooh look at us, aren’t we better?”

I do remember the one of the videos I really enjoyed

and it was they gave a rotary phone to a couple

of teenagers. When they were laughing and laughing

and laughing as the teenagers couldn’t figure out

how to use the phone. And it took about 10 minutes

but then they figured it out. Whereas if you

gave one of these older people a smart phone,

a brand new smart phone and told them to do some

basic settings, I guarantee they wouldn’t be able

to do it. And that’s the difference. You’re talking

about young people not being able to do something

because they’ve never done it before. That doesn’t

mean they can’t do it. It doesn’t mean they

couldn’t figure it out. It doesn’t mean they’re

adaptable because they are. We’ve had some jokes going

around lately. Primarily about language. My coworkers

are old. My friends are old. I’m old. And they are

starting to rip on things. My wife specifically is

angry at the fact that my kids spend so much time

on their tablet. Now I didn’t really want to point

out but then felt obligated to point out the fact

that while she was complaining about kids being

on their tablets, she was watching TV. And she was

probably watching TV for the exact same amount of

time the kids were on the tablet. So the kids aren’t

watching television in the traditional sense. They’re

watching videos on TikTok, on YouTube and stuff.

They don’t watch traditional TV. And she in her

mind has demonized the tablet when the TV is just a

big less useful tablet that she is one step

away from being addicted to. And I pointed out,

so you have people now complaining that kids

are addicted to their phones and tablets.

My generation, the kids were addicted to TV.

Previous to that, kids were addicted to music.

Previous to that, kids were addicted to

music. All these complaints have not changed.

They’re generational. You’re not doing the thing

I did. And the new thing that you’re doing is bad

and addictive. It will make you sick and dying. Now

social media is engineered. So I think there are

risks to go along with it. TV is bad. It’s addictive.

But it was more passive. Whereas the algorithm,

what not is coming for your children, I am aware

of that and do caution my kids. We do a limit time

and stuff. But it’s because I know that modern

technology is manipulative in nature. I don’t blame

the children for that. I mean, the conclusion

to that is that first of all, that wasn’t funny.

From an objective point of view, what she did

was make a list and the only reason the people in

the audience were laughing is because they agreed

with her. So that wasn’t humor. That was agreement.

If I could be specific, I don’t want to define a

joke. A joke is something that makes you laugh. But

they were just like, oh yeah, I hate young people.

Therefore, this lady hating on young people is funny.

to me. Whereas I don’t, I personally don’t think

that’s a joke. If I was going to try to make a joke,

I would try to do better than that. There should be

an examination of something. Because her joke falls

flat when she says we could take it back. I don’t

think you could. I don’t think you could take it back

from the millennials. They would lock you out of

your email and Facebook. And then you wouldn’t have

be able to do anything. And you’d be spending time

calling the millennials or Gen Z or whoever you’re

talking about to come and fix all that shit for

you. Do you remember when people got really upset

about Miles Morales, the new Spider-Man and the

new Spider-Man wasn’t white? Remember that? I just

wanted to point out that no one gives a shit anymore.

So Miles Morales was introduced as a half-black,

half-Mexican kid from Brooklyn. He got bitten by

a different spider and got different spider powers

and became the new Spider-Man of Miles Morales.

Everyone who was racist lost their mind.

And fuck those people that’s so stupid. Because here

we are now, a few years later, I don’t know when

Miles Morales was released anymore. And no one

gives a shit. They came out with that movie in the

Spider-Verse. Fucking awesome. I watched it again

a week ago. That’s why this popped into my head.

That movie’s great. I almost cried at the part

where they’re supporting each other because I guess

I’ve never had any real support in my life. But that

is something I clearly clamor for. The interesting part

was like, I was like, “I’ll watch this because the

new movie’s coming out. I’ll watch the old movie.”

So I’m kind of like, kind of remember exactly what’s

going on. That’d be really nice to go into the

theater knowing that. Fucking mosquito. I am

not Spider-Man. I miss that mosquito twice.

I forgot to do me a fucking mosquito. It’s because

mosquitoes hate spiders that are racist too. And so

he hates Spider-Man. He’s trying to ruin my Spider-Man

thing. I was watching it on the train and then

I just right way, midway through the trip. I suddenly

went, “No one cares that Miles Morales isn’t a

white Peter Parker anymore.” Peter Parker is white

guy. Peter Parker’s Peter Parker. Spider-Man’s Peter.

Parker. Fucking is the calling man. No one gives a

shit. And no one ever did. They just were racist.

That’s something you just keep in mind. Those massive

controversies are just distractions for nothing.

They’re not even distracting you from anything. But

that got me thinking about other distractions we’ve had.

We’re not coronavirus. COVID-19 is not finished. It

still exists. It’s still something to be concerned

about. I still know people who have gotten it

recently. So still be careful. I want everyone to be

careful. But we are maybe just living with it

now or we’ve got it sort of under control. People

who are vaccinated, things like that. I wanted to

take a look at some of the conspiracy theories that

came out. Just remembering, this is kind of like

reminiscing of the history of a couple of years ago.

So Miles Morales, fucking awesome Spider-Man. No one

gives a shit that he’s Spider-Man anymore because

he’s fucking great in Asia. So I can really only

speak for this stuff. I read online and the stuff I

knew in Asia. So in Asia, the first conspiracy theory

about COVID-19 was that COVID-19 was engineered

to kill off old people because China, Japan, and

Korea have too many old people. It’s a graying

populations. So they engineered this disease that

would attack old people. Now the reality is that

anything virulent like a virus or a disease or

something is going to have a bigger impact on older

people regardless. It’s going to have an bigger

impact on older people because they are weaker. They

have more underlying problems. They’ve lived a

longer life. They are closer to death already. So a

devastating disease, respiratory disease, someone

who’s not already healthy, it’s going to kill them.

So yes, it was killing older people at a higher

raise, but any disease would. So the Spanish flu,

I’m assuming killed older people at a higher rate.

The bubonic plague probably killed people at a higher.

rate. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know about the

stats back then. It’s a job that went away with

the boomers. So who knows? But I’m betting any

disease that is powerful, kills older people at a

higher rate than younger people. I do remember

also in the paper they were saying maybe people who

smoke are more resistant, which was a weird maybe

like smokers lobby that they threw out there.

I don’t I think that one was pretty much debunked

pretty quickly. So that corresponds to the virus

was engineered in a Chinese lab. Then there was

a conspiracy theory and it got out from the lab.

Then there was a conspiracy theory that the US

imported COVID to China so that they could blame China

for the breakout of coronavirus. That turned out

to not necessarily be true. And it really was

devastating way more in America than it should

have been because of the incredibly poor rollout

of vaccines and the anti-vaccine movement in there.

In Italy, I didn’t know this one. I just started

looking up some some basic ones so I could remind

myself. In Italy, they were blaming GMO, so genetically

modified organisms, basically virus resistant

or bug resistant fruit and vegetables and things

like that are the most common ones. They try to

grow more perfect fruit that is healthier and

harder. They were saying coronavirus came from that,

which I thought that was an interesting one I’d

never heard before. So there you go, even now I’m

picking up stuff. I actually there was someone I knew

who was on the coronavirus isn’t real. It’s not

a real virus and there will be lawsuits. This was

at the beginning of 2019, 2020. It’s three years

later and they were like there’s going to be lawsuits

in the world of court and it’s going to be coming and

you’re going to be regret taking all these precautions.

I actually that was an interesting argument

because they’re like you shouldn’t take precautions

against this thing that may or may not be real. So

let’s give them credit. Let’s pretend for a second

that coronavirus was not real. Taking precautions

against it doesn’t hurt you. So this is like I’m going

to take vitamins so that my immune system or

my body is healthier as a precaution against

catching the flu or a cold or just getting sick

in general. That isn’t specific towards anyone. I

take vitamins every day. I actually find that if

I don’t take vitamins, I think I have a single

vitamin deficiency that’s very small. If I don’t

take a multivitamin over the course of a couple

months, I get really worn down. I take vitamins

that doesn’t seem to happen. So I don’t know what

vitamin it is. I don’t know what mineral it is. It’s

something in my body, but I take the multivitamin

because it fixes this problem. But then I’m like

it also will help me any other deficiencies I might

have. So I’ll be healthier overall. Protect

me against disease and whatnot. Non-specific.

But then it was like wearing masks. Well, I basically

know what I know during the period we were wearing

masks. Got the flu. I started sanitizing my hands

against coronavirus. Maybe multiple times a day.

I’d probably do it once or twice a day now. But

my chances of catching other diseases, not even

coronavirus, has gone down because I sanitize my

hands more often than I used to. Taking precautions

against anything isn’t necessarily a bad idea. I

see people wearing a mask. I might even feel like,

oh, you know, in this particular situation, it’s

unnecessary. But they’re taking a precaution

against stuff is going to protect them more so

than if they didn’t. So the anti-mask movement,

I always thought was really weird because,

okay, if you don’t believe coronavirus is real,

you do believe that flu is real. You do believe

that colds are real and it will protect you from

the flu and cold. So what is the problem with

protecting yourself against these other things?

And then it maybe will just, you know, that

protective ability will roll over into coronavirus.

If it does turn out to be real perchance, may

have. And that was a little bit of an aside.

So yeah, there was the group of people who said

that coronavirus doesn’t exist, that it’s just the

flu. Now, I always found that to be a very confusing

argument because you’re admitting that there is a

flu and the flu is virulent. The flu is going around.

It’s very communicable. The flu is killing people.

The flu is putting people on respiratory machines

and the bit you’re angry about is that we’ve called

it COVID-19 and said it’s something else. COVID-19 as

far as I’m concerned is the flu. It’s just a really,

really strong flu that mutates and attacks your lungs

and puts people on respirators. You can call it a

flu. It’s just as dangerous. It’s killing just as

many people as if it wasn’t the flu specifically.

So that argument, I actually had someone use that

to me that don’t be silly. It’s just the flu.

Someone, I think it was on Twitter or something.

Someone kind of came at me with that one.

And I was like, that argument doesn’t mean anything

because if it’s just a flu and it’s still killing

people and still really communicable, then it’s just

as bad as if it is coronavirus. So protect yourself

from this flu just as much as you would protect

yourself from coronavirus. It was a globalist plot

to take away our freedoms. So lockdowns and stuff,

of course, we couldn’t do whatever we want. We

couldn’t go get haircuts. We couldn’t go out and drink

and have parties and stuff. And that’s my freedom.

You’re taking away my freedom. Again, I was a little

torn on that. I did. I agreed with lockdowns. I

thought they should have happened. Japan didn’t lock

down in the same way as let’s say North America’s

the one in the news. So it’s always the one I

end up talking about because Corona in Japan,

they have written into their constitution freedom

of movement. So you’re not allowed to lock people

down, but they made the recommendation in Japanese

people generally being quite sensible. Most people

did stay home and they only went out when they had

to and they just didn’t do things to try to catch

coronavirus. But interfering with your freedoms, the

thing is the freedoms came back. So that actually

in historically that was undermined because the

freedoms didn’t go away forever. We aren’t still in

lockdown. And again, the economy suffered greatly

and the globalists are the ones who want to keep

the economy working. Maybe they want to control

it, but to control it, they need people passively

in place in their cubicles to do the jobs that need

to be done so that there is an economy to run the

globe because the way we’ve set up the economy

in the world right now, it is economy based. So

the globalist taking away your freedoms and destroying

the economy in the same hand is not beneficial

to the globalists. So that one again logically

falls apart the more you think about how the world

works, which is actually how a lot of these conspiracies

fall apart is when you think about how the world

works. And then the last one was Big Pharma. This

was the best one from me. This was the one Big Pharma

wanted to make some money. The engineer disease

put it out in the world that disease kills lots of

people. We have the vaccine. It’s a science

fiction, it’s a science fiction plot as old as time.

It’s a good one. I mean, I don’t think… Actually,

it is the most reasonable of the conspiracy theories.

Is that a corporation decided to get evil. The

thing is multiple places came out with multiple

vaccines. I actually had the… I forget what

they’re called now. That’s how long it’s been.

I had the AstraZeneca, I think it was one of

them. And then I had the Johnson and Johnson

one. That’s weird. They put… Maybe the

vaccines, maybe forget what vaccines I got. I got

three or four. I remember the last one was… So

I actually got coronavirus. It was bad as a cold.

because I had been vaccinated two or three times

already. The vaccine did its job. So I got coronavirus.

It was like two days. One day I was like really hot

and uncomfortable. And then the second day I was

kind of bad and I slept all day. I went into

one of those hotel isolation situations.

And then it wasn’t bad at all. I didn’t feel

good, but like I wasn’t going to go exercise or.

anything. But basically I slept a little more. The

fever kind of took a while to go away, but that was it.

I was actually in really good shape. So I actually

think the vaccines worked. I got the fourth vaccine

for 12 hours. I was just knocked out. I was in

physical pain. I had that sort of joint pain you

get from the flu and stuff. It was way worse than

coronavirus. But then if I needed to get a fifth

vaccination, if they said Peter, you won’t want,

I absolutely would because the disease didn’t do

anything to me. If the vaccine is the worst part,

I’ll take the vaccine and take that eight, 10-hour

period of pain and frustration just so I could

survive the actual coronavirus with ease, no less.

Bill Gates wants to implant everyone with a chip. So he was talking about Ebola virus.

And he predicted that there was going to be another pandemic in the future.

Scientists have actually talked about this. Climate

change has done it. Just more air travel and

interacting with people makes it more communicable.

So the disease is going to spread around more quickly.

Things like that. So there are basically lots of

people who are saying there’s going to be another

pandemic. It’s coming soon. After coronavirus, they

were like, it’s going to speed up because we had

Spanish flu. And then they said, once in a hundred

years, a hundred years later, we got COVID-19.

And they said, oh, then the next one will be a

hundred years later. That’s not how it works.

Because of climate change and stuff, it’s going to

speed up. So we’ll probably get one every 50 years

that is this bad. And then it’s going to be every

25 years. Unless we get to a level of technology

where we can take care of it, that’s kind of what

Bill Gates was talking about. We need to learn

to protect ourselves from ourselves because we’re not

going to stop air travel. And we’re not going to stop.

mutations of diseases and stuff. And people

are going to mix in, it’s going to get worse.

And so they thought, because he didn’t want to be

proven wrong, he created coronavirus. So a computer

guy suddenly, like I’m going to say, yes, Bill Gates

is probably very good at computers. I don’t know

if he is anymore because he got into that position.

Like he created computers. He made windows and

stuff like that. But then he got into a position

where he didn’t really make stuff anymore. He told

engineers how to make stuff. He probably understood

what they were talking about. But could he do it?

I don’t know. Steve Jobs gets the same deal.

Like did he make anything? No, he told engineers,

you have this. I want these features. Here’s a

list. Go make that happen. They’re off. They go and

they get it. Bill Gates is the same. I’m sure he

understands computers and he’s very good at computers.

But at the end of the day, he was like, well,

here’s a list of features. Here’s things to make it

go work better off you go, go make that happen because

I pay your money now. So he might be high level,

but he’s certainly not going to be like, well,

I’m going to just switch to biology now of

virology and create some diseases to go make sure

that I am right in the world and the things I’ve said.

Looking back is valuable because all the things we

freaked out about conspiracy theories, especially.

It’s we’ve you hear the conspiracy theory. You

have a good time talking about it and then it

disappears because you don’t think about it anymore.

When something new happens and it’s tempting to

believe, oh, we didn’t even talk about 5G in the

UK. The people in the UK thought that 5G towers

caused corona virus because it ate the oxygen and

like infected you. And they were setting them on

fire. Like they were setting 5G towers on fire.

These are these are again, the very reasonable

people, the boomers from the first segment, not

understanding how technology works or radio waves

or 5G or any of this other stuff. And then just saying

like, they put up this tower, bad thing happened.

I’m going to burn down this tower. I’m right.

You can’t tell me otherwise. I had an interesting

experience when I was sick in the hospital a couple

years ago. And I would take a pill in the evening.

And then about two hours later, my neck would get

tight and my shoulders would hurt and I’d feel

some sort of pain. And so I told the doctor like

every time I take this pill, it actually causes me

pain. Is that normal? Is that a side effect? Is that

something that’s happening? He’s like, oh, that’s

not what’s happening. What’s happening is you get

like a steroid in the morning. And then you feel

stronger and better. And then when we get to the

evening, sort of when you take your evening pill,

that’s when the steroids wearing off. See, because

I didn’t understand medicine or the things that

were happening. I was thinking there was a causal

relationship. I’m taking this pill and then very

soon afterwards, I start to feel pain. I was

thinking the pill caused me pain. That’s exactly what

these people were thinking about 5G. What was actually

happening is the pill I was taking in the morning

wasn’t working anymore because it’d been 12 hours.

And I was taking a different pill for something else.

And then I wouldn’t that pain was just going to

sit there anyways. They could have given me pain

killers now that I think about it. But Japan, they

don’t give very strong pain killers and they don’t

like to give out pain killers too much. You need

to suffer a little bit to make you a stronger,

better person. Did it work? No, not stronger,

not better. Still stiff shoulders, to be honest.

So what I’m saying, conspiracy theories, we forget

about them. And what we actually should do is take

a look back at, again, we just have to be history

like three, four, five years ago. What were people

talking about? What were we thinking? Were those

things important? And are they important now? And

then the next time someone comes up with, superhero

has changed color or superhero has changed gender,

or it’s like a non-gender conforming version

of a superhero. And people flip out, be like,

dude, we don’t even remember the fervor over Miles

Morales. We don’t even remember people getting

freaked out about Lady Thor, which was a great

storyline, by the way. I wish the movie done it

better, but Lady Thor was fucking awesome. And

I could have done me with some more Lady Thor.

I had a second part. So then when you get, then

when you hear a conspiracy theory and it starts to

sound logical, think back to, okay, coronavirus,

what were the conspiracy theories we heard?

What do we now just don’t even remember? Nevermind,

right off is not true. What do we not even remember now?

And that will hopefully keep you more even tempered going on into the future.

[Music].

(upbeat music)

All right, I’m about to shit on Guardians of the Galaxy,

via shitting on one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

This, all right, let’s start again.

So this is the closest I’ve come to writing a full script for a podcast in years.

When I first started making podcasts, I wrote a script

and I recorded it three times and edited those together.

It was shit.

And then I went to bullet points.

And bullet points seemed to work for me.

This is full sentences.

So I’m wondering if I’m going to sound more scripted.

But there are my ideas, there are my words.

Maybe I planned out jokes better, but then I never,

the jokes I make that I’ve planned out don’t land.

So today I wanna talk about Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

But I want to talk about it via the worst film I think that’s ever existed.

You might be like, oh no, what’s going on?

He didn’t like Guardians of the Galaxy, which is 100% correct.

But let’s take a look first at Metacritic score for Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

It has a Metascore of 80, generally favorable.

We all have the Metacritic thing where it’s like, 80 is not generally favorable.

That’s most people loved it.

The user score is 8.7.

I thought Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy was dismal.

And I hated every moment playing it.

And that’s unusual.

Mr. Warmhands sent me the game.

He said, you’re gonna love this.

You like story-based adventure action games, which is true.

This is a very heavily story-oriented action

adventure game, which is also true, I just fell apart.

And this takes us to Six Underground.

Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is the Six Underground of video games.

And Six Underground is the worst movie that has ever been made in the world.

First, I need to talk about a bad movie and a bad movie.

So there’s two kinds of bad movies.

I watch a lot of movies.

I watch probably a film every single day.

I have a one and a half hour train ride to work,

and then a one and a half hour train ride home from work.

I’m listening to podcasts, I’m watching TV, I’m watching movies.

That’s my media time now.

So I’ve watched hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of movies.

I love action movies.

I love funny movies.

I love goofy stuff.

I enjoy film.

Now, the first category of bad film is a film

where they didn’t have enough of something.

It’s not enough money.

It’s not enough talent.

It’s not enough time.

But there is sort of a heart there that makes you end

up going, it wasn’t a great film, but I enjoyed it.

There’s a kind of bad film that is still in the first category.

That is so bad that it sort of goes through the nature

and comes back up and is actually good again.

It’s still entertaining.

Because that’s all a movie or a video game really needs to be.

To be successful is entertaining.

It can be entertaining in the wrong way and still be successful.

I watch a lot of Steven Segal movies.

I hate him so much.

Oh, he’s the one who named Sean Nupi, said his name.

The curse has come back.

But my pleasure and enjoyment comes from

picking apart those films and how bad they are.

I would never recommend those films to another person.

I would never say watch them unless you had the same sort of mental state as me.

That’s also a very important part for criticizing media.

It’s understanding the way your brain is working

and the way other people’s brains are working.

There’s lots of stuff I would watch that I would not recommend other people watch.

There is the second kind of bad movie, which is bad bad.

So there’s bad, so bad it could be good.

There’s bad yet still entertaining.

There’s bad, but just bad.

And it comes from sort of two major issues that I’m gonna talk about.

But the primary thing is you have to have

all the things that those other movies lack.

You have to have the money, you have to have

the talent, and you have to have the time.

So you have to have all the things in place

to be successful and still find a way to fuck it up.

See, this is the problem without running a

script is I have to actually follow the script.

Let me introduce to you a film called “Six Underground.”

It is a Netflix movie.

Netflix has money up the wazoo.

This is a pre-pandemic.

Think it was toothed, anyways.

Maybe mid-2000 teens.

So they have enough money to make a good movie.

They have Ryan Reynolds as the lead.

He’s a very expensive actor and he’s actually quite good.

I like Ryan Reynolds.

He’s talented, he’s charming.

He’s made some good movies, made some bad

movies, but he has it in him to make a good film.

“Six Underground” is directed by Michael Bay.

Michael Bay has a very inconsistent career.

He’s made the rock, which was quite good.

He made bad boys, which is good.

He made painting games, which I actually thought was very good.

I’ve made Transformer movies.

Now, I believe that Transformer movies, I’m not the target demographic.

The most respect I had for Michael Bay is when he said,

“I make movies for 13-year-old boys,” which is a fair statement.

So he’s saying a lot of people complain and don’t like

my films because they’re not the actual target audience.

“Six Underground” in this case, there’s a couple of heads

explode and a lot of bodies get thrown around and stuff.

That means that I was the target demographic.

I had to be adults.

But it’s almost like his juvenile humor still

stayed and then his inconsistency in tone

is what infected the film, which made me so negative.

“Six Underground” had two writers that I remember.

And it’s two douchebags who should be ashamed of themselves because this movie–

I don’t know where it went wrong.

Because it might have been written really well.

And then Michael Bay changed it.

It might be Michael Bay took the material and actually elevated it.

I actually don’t know because I’m not part of the process.

I don’t think it was Ryan Reynolds.

I think Ryan Reynolds was doing all the things he was told to do.

He was being very Ryan Reynolds Z in this film.

You don’t even have to watch the whole film.

The opening is a car chase escape scene and it by itself will illustrate to you

all the problems in the film in the first 10, 15 minutes.

And I was thinking to myself, if I ever ran a film class,

if I ever got any sort of respect, and people were like,

Peter, teach us about all the films you’ve absorbed,

and you’ve taken, you’ve analyzed, and you

thought about, put that back out in the world.

Teach these young and up-and-coming people who want to make movies.

What is the right and wrong thing to do?

I think I could do that.

I think I could help some people make better films.

So this is for young and up-coming people who want to,

oh my god, I got a mosquito bite on my bicep, and it is massive.

Like I said, at the beginning, as soon as I got

into a flow, something would go horribly wrong,

and the horribly wrong part was, I looked at my own body.

All right, we can dispense with this stupid joke thing.

I’m not gonna ever teach a film class.

That’s fine.

So we have the opening car chase,

and it’s demonstrative of where the movie went wrong on every aspect.

The primary issues for me are inconsistent tone and too much noise.

And this is visual, it’s action oriented.

The opening of your film is teaching the audience

what they’re supposed to feel and think throughout the rest of the film.

The opening of the film, I would say,

is probably more important than the actual climax of the film,

because it tells me what I’m supposed to know,

and what I need to know about the world we’re inhabiting for the rest of the movie.

It sets up the film.

First, there is all the visual noise.

Then Michael Bay is famous for incredibly fast cuts.

He was a music video director before he became a movie

director, and that clearly has infected his style.

There are rarely moments where you actually get

to look at anything for more than a few seconds.

But the problem with constant quick cuts and penning cameras all the time,

it means no single image will have any real sort of impact.

Your brain, it’s your subconscious is taking things in,

and I actually think that makes it worse in this

case, because my subconscious brain is going,

oh, I don’t like that, I don’t like that, what’s that?

What’s that? I don’t like that.

And so I don’t have a comprehensive feeling for everything that’s going on.

There’s always dirt, spark, it’s inconsistent

lighting, there’s things flashing all the time.

It is visually a mess.

And it’s always shot from a thousand different angles.

And angles are very important for giving audience a sense of where things are.

One of the complaints about the Batman movies, the

Christian Bill Batman movies, was during action scenes.

It was very dark and the camera changed angles constantly.

Now, the director said, I wanted you,

the audience to feel what it would be like to fight

Batman, which would be disorienting and difficult.

The problem is, I’m not fighting Batman.

I’m trying to enjoy a Batman movie.

I want to see Batman do cool stuff.

So I can’t see him and I don’t know where he is.

That’s a problem.

And then there’s the famous trucks driving down the road

and the Joker opens any shoots like, I think a RPG

or something out of the truck at the other truck.

It’s actually very difficult to know which side of the road the trucks are on.

And you might be like, it’s a movie, that doesn’t matter.

But it does spatial awareness is very important for consistency.

Inconsistency in film makes it very hard for the audience

to stay with you because if something feels disjointed,

they feel disjointed and then you lose tension from the action scene.

We’re going to watch some clips.

And I’m going to talk about each clip now.

For the podcast listener, I’ve chosen clips primarily with audio.

But if you want to watch the bright neon green Alpha Romero drive around, I don’t.

It’s an interesting thing.

One of my first complaints was about the Alpha Romero being bright green.

And this is like a getaway scene.

And then Ryan Reynolds actually makes a joke

about the lack of subtlety of the choice of car.

But that said, let’s take a look at the first clip.

I have about seven clips of Underground Six.

Six Underground.

I say it wrong every time.

That’s also another weird, very small problem.

I always say Underground Six, not Six Underground.

That’s bad.

I’m safe.

Get in the car.

She’s bleeding.

I’m aware.

Just drive.

I’m going to smoke these mother’s eyes.

OK, so what has happened is we have been introduced to our characters right away.

They’re in a car.

She’s bleeding.

You can feel it’s very tense.

That’s the initial setup.

This is a tense scene.

It’s very serious.

We have a big problem.

One of our team is bleeding.

Then he says, I’m going to smoke these mother fuckers very aggressively.

That wasn’t too bad.

I was like, that seems like his concern is

less on the survival of his teammate and more

on revenge of the action of what’s coming up next.

So what I’ve been taught as the viewer is that that

woman’s life is less as important than I thought initially.

At first, I thought, oh no, this is a big deal.

She’s been shot.

One of their team is going to die.

That’s clearly a big deal.

His concern is immediately switched off.

And then we get to scene two.

I was covered in the door.

I was shot through a window.

I was too sure.

I went amateur shot.

Yes.

I know you got shot through the window.

God, that’s so bad.

What kind of lawyer are you?

Definitely going to die.

I don’t know a lawyer with friends in high places.

Maybe mafia friends or something to point us.

We got this.

That’s all that matters.

OK, so we’ve learned a few things in this scene.

Complete– like I’m saying, inconsistent tone, a complete change in tone.

It was very serious a few seconds ago,

because this is all part of the single car chase.

Now we’ve got Ryan Reynolds doing Ryan Reynolds.

He’s like doing quips and he’s talking really fast.

And he’s stating obvious things in a very uncouth way.

You’re bleeding a lot.

You’re definitely going to die.

But there is zero concern for her life.

And he says, out loud, we got this.

This is the only thing that matters.

So what I’ve been taught again is that the actual

life of the person in the back seat does not matter.

So if they die, it’s not going to be a big deal.

It can take a moment to thank you.

There is nothing else I’d rather be doing with my life.

I don’t care.

[SIRENS]

All right, so there we have the driver– again,

mid-car chase, person bleeding to death in the back,

saying, hey, let’s just have a little aside.

I want to tell you how happy I am to be on this team.

I love this.

This is my life now.

It’s great.

And then Ryan Reynolds turns around and says, I don’t care.

And so I’m learning that this team does not care about each other.

And that could be fine.

If the team is disposable, then that’s fine.

But of course, then we’re going to get to some other stuff.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, so what has just happened for those who are actually

listening to the audio version of the podcast

is a big truck just scraped the bright green Alpha Romero.

OK, now they’ve hit a black car.

Now a black car would usually imply the bad guys.

I actually don’t remember if these are bad guys or not.

But there are two guys in that car.

They get exploded.

OK?

So now I know that at least the bad guys’ lives

are not worth anything because of the reaction

of the driver of the bright green Alpha Romero.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So he’s enjoying this.

So people dying doesn’t matter.

Enemies dying doesn’t matter.

Again, so this is all contextual for what

I need to know going into the rest of the

film to understand how I’m supposed to feel.

This didn’t bother me yet.

I did feel like this was, again, the sort of the visual cuts and stuff.

I don’t think Michael Bayes really the best director for me.

But I wasn’t annoyed at the film.

That’s coming up very soon.

Let’s get through the rest of the scene, though.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So we have the heavy bass drum kind of sound to give it some intensity.

They’ve just killed some bad guys.

He’s wooed his way into the next party.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So he almost hits some– he almost hits some nuns.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don’t forgive me.

So that’s just so they could throw a joke in.

He says, the nuns will forgive me.

I knocked them all off their bicycles.

And then the nuns give up and they start flipping them up.

It’s a joke.

I was kind of a throw away.

It seemed unnecessary because, again,

it’s lowering the sense of intensity of this scene.

If it’s a comedy, you could actually go lighter than

this and just have several of these things happen.

But then the next thing that happens– [MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch out for the gun.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I still had the right of way.

OK, so that was a pedestrian.

So the previous car that got exploded

by getting hit by the truck, there were two guys in it.

They died with a wound.

They had a great time.

That’s actually fine.

If you screw up with ’80s and ’90s action films

like I did, killing bad guys is a good thing.

They’re just fodder.

It’s a visual thing.

You kill as many as you can.

To show how great the heroes are, how capable they are.

Killing innocent people is bad.

Now, I know it’s bad.

Now, in this movie, what’s happened is he’s just hit a pedestrian with a car.

And he’s equipped.

He said, I definitely had the right away.

He’s shown no regret, no remorse.

Because he’s shown no regret, no remorse,

I know that in this universe, no one’s life has any value.

And that becomes very important for the end of this scene.

[MUSIC]

Oh, it was just the music bug.

We had, again, inconsistent.

We had this heavy-based drums and it was really intense.

And now it’s kind of actually got a bit of a light feel to it.

[MUSIC]

One for four.

Yeah, go ahead, but four.

We need you.

Cool, she need a bit.

Come here.

And then they have this, again, light introduction of another character.

No one gives a shit.

[MUSIC]

All right, so what has just happened is the driver has slid out and

he has crashed the car into a loader of some sort with like a fork lift.

And the tines were up and one has gone through him and it is killed the driver.

So we now know that this is important.

The driver is a member of the team, but well, again, what we’ve been

taught the entirety of the film so far is that he does not matter.

No one’s life matters.

And then we get to the burial scene.

So they’re on a boat, they’re going to dispose of the body.

They’re sipping up a plastic bag with his body in it.

One guy is crying, a guy who has just introduced

quite recently, they’re drinking and eating pizza.

Are you crying?

I didn’t even know his name.

We don’t know any names.

What was his name?

It doesn’t matter.

Now what you’ve done just there with one sentence is remove any impact.

So I thought we were going for a tonal shift.

We were going to be like this team cares about each other.

The death of one of the members of the team is important.

He says what’s his name?

They keep each other’s name secret as part of the whole

system that they’ve created within the film itself.

But fuck me.

This guy is dead right in front of you.

Ryan Reynolds faces telling me he’s sad.

The music is telling me I should feel sad and he’s just said who cares?

And if he says who cares, then it’s going to be hard for me to care.

He’s a good man.

Was he a good man?

I mean, he was kind of a dick.

He hit a guy with a car.

I actually see some inconsistencies in the lines that have been

written, which is where I start to blame the writers of this,

not necessarily Ryan Reynolds, because he’s doing what he’s told.

In this next part is the part that pissed me off more than anything else, I think.

While I manage the risk, I’m sorry.

Did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it.

So did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it?

Fucking none of you have demonstrated that you

care about each other in any way whatsoever.

How the fuck are you guys, his family?

And I’m supposed to feel emotional right now.

I feel nothing.

This kid dying meant nothing to me when I watched this film.

And it set it up for the rest of the film.

I don’t care if any of them die.

It doesn’t matter.

And that’s what they’ve established with this

opening car chase in these opening scenes.

What this should be doing is having impact on me.

I should be like going, oh, that team was really tight knit.

They care about each other.

This is a really important moment.

Tears are completely appropriate.

Nothing.

Because what we do know is that no one gives a shit

about each other unless you get to make a quip.

I don’t know if this is a comedy.

If it’s an action movie, it’s a serious movie.

I don’t know.

I’m pretty sure what it wants to be is all three at the same time.

And I’m actually finding that’s why it fails

along with so many other movies because they

actually haven’t decided what they really want to be before they start the movie.

Because you need a main tone or a main theme.

Comedy movies do need serious moments.

They make the comedy sort of more poignant.

Sad movies.

Action movies need breaks in the action to let you breathe and take in a moment of

the scenery and then understand the characters better.

Call a duty the video game.

You’re never going to feel anything about any

of the characters living or dying in a call

a duty because it’s essentially non-stop murder.

What they teach you is that human life has no value.

You’re there to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

So if you die, it doesn’t matter.

That’s okay.

Call a duty is a good game because it said like we’re focusing on one thing.

We’re going to do that one thing really, really well.

You go there.

You go there for the action.

You don’t care about the story.

You go to a movie.

You care about the story.

You go to a story driven video game.

This is me slowly dropping in that we’re going

to be moving on to Guardians of the Galaxy soon.

You care about the story.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be playing a story based game.

Moments break up the film.

But if you have two tones fighting each other throughout the film.

So what we just had was serious action and lighthearted

comedy like ribbing each other back and forth.

Neither can it has a chance to sort of be the

big one and be successful because you need that big feeling to be successful.

Do you remember the movie Handcock?

So Handcock was Will Smith, pre-slapped.

He was a superhero.

He kind of had lost his way in the world.

He was drinking a lot.

It had two mini movies.

It had the first half of the film.

Was a film.

It was a comedy.

It was about this guy who was down and out but had superpowers.

The second one, it was supposed to be a redemption story.

But it changed tone.

It wasn’t funny anymore.

It was a completely serious action hero movie.

If they had stayed with any one of those themes

throughout, I bet they would have had a good movie.

If they’d stayed comedy the whole time, you would have had a good comedy movie.

If they’d stayed serious the whole time, maybe

with quips and stuff, every now and then, it probably would have been, I would say a

massive movie because that’s actually what Marvel does right now.

Marvel movies.

Everyone talks about how like Quippy and Funny They Are.

But if you actually watch the movie and like

take in the overall tone is almost always quite serious.

If I watch the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 movie,

volume 2, pre this podcast so I could have

a sense, how does the game relate to how the

video, to the movie, how does the video game

relate to the movie in their tone and do they have the same problems?

Guardians of the Galaxy 2, the movie, has very little comedy in it.

It has some standout scenes.

Those are all the scenes you’ll see in the commercials.

If you watch the commercials, you will actually

take in the entirety of the comedic offerings

of the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie.

And then I was also thinking about all my friends

have started playing Diablo, the new Diablo 4.

And I have never played Diablo, but I know that

one of the older games has a sort of easter egg.

It goes, there’s a side mission like a portal.

You can go to this other place.

Diablo is a very dark, heavy video game.

The tone is very depressed, it’s very heavy, everything is ominous.

Then it has this portal you can go through

and it’s level, it’s all cows and rainbows and green grass.

And it’s just a joke, it’s a little easter egg.

It came from a joke from a previous game.

That didn’t ruin the game because it was an

easter egg, it was a side bit, it was extra.

You actually could have passed right by it.

The only reason you would have gone there is

if you went their own purpose for a little surprise.

And a little surprise taking you out is awesome.

If that had become the second half of the

game, people would have hated it because it was inconsistent.

Then I thought, okay, what is a movie with

a consistent tone that’s trying to do a very similar thing.

And then I got to John Wick.

The first death of Six Underground demonstrates that nobody cares about anybody.

The world is unfeeling towards human life.

Human life does not matter.

But John Wick is the introduction of John Wick,

the character, he’s very sad, he gets a puppy.

The puppy represents the last vestige of hope

he has because it’s a gift from his recently deceased wife.

They spend nearly 20 minutes setting up that relationship.

It takes a really long time before any action

happens in John Wick if you really think about it.

Because they want to impress upon you the

audience, the incredible value of the life of that dog.

And it’s because that dog’s life in itself has a certain amount of value.

He’s showing that he cares about it.

I mean, at first he’s a little reluctant.

He doesn’t have dog food and stuff.

He doesn’t want to sleep on the bed.

Then of course he wakes up, it’s sleeping in the bed.

It’s all very cute and funny to be honest.

But what’s actually happening is they’re

saying, look, is the only person he’s ever loved is deceased.

She gave him this postmortem.

This is the thing that is pulling him out of

this state of depression and demise that he has fallen into.

Then the guys want to steal the car and then they kill the puppy just to be shitty.

But we as an audience know the value of that puppy to John Wick.

We know the value of it and therefore the impact of that death is more significant.

Therefore, the rampage he goes on for the rest of the film makes perfect sense.

He will not stop because you’ve taken away the only thing he cares about.

It’s just a puppy.

This, 600 grand, is supposed to be a team of

elite people who are all really good at their

jobs and they clearly don’t give a shit about each other.

So when someone dies, it’s like, I’m really the fuck cares.

There is supposed to be a redemption arc

for Ryan Reynolds where he cares at the end.

He starts out saying just leave him behind

but then at the end he’s got a new member who replaces the guy who died.

That guy’s like, I’m never going to leave

someone behind and then he goes, I don’t leave him behind.

I didn’t care.

Because the whole movie taught me that, yeah, does it really matter?

Because it doesn’t.

Because he’s just going to replace someone anyways because they’re just going to die.

Who gives a shit?

I’ve already mentioned 90s movies but it’s Quips and Death.

The only thing that was consistent in sort of 80s, 90s action movies was maybe, if the

hero wasn’t alone, he probably had a best friend.

That best friend died.

What they had done, sure, thousands of other Minion enemies had died around them.

But they had built up the relationships.

So if one of the main characters died, it was going to be significant.

They often didn’t do it in the first film.

It would have been the second film where a main

character, usually best friend or something

dies and that sets off the impetus for the

second film where it’s like a revenge fantasy kind of thing.

But they spent an entire film setting up that relationship.

Again, because back then in those films, they

understood that the relationship between those

characters has to be taught to the audience

as valuable so the break in that value becomes

meaningful, which is where six underground

fails in every aspect because nothing they did was meaningful.

Similar vein, last week I rewatch “Hurt

Locker” and in “Hurt Locker”, the first opening

scene has one death in it, but that sets up for the importance and the stakes of death

in that movie for the rest of the film because

they are very worked up about trying to keep

him alive and then they are very shattered when the first character dies.

And that teaches us as the audience what we are

supposed to care about for the rest of the film.

I have to pee.

You know there’s an average speed at which mammals pee.

It’s like 11 seconds is really normal.

So like an elephant pees on average for 11

seconds, a human pees on average for 11 seconds

and like certain dogs and stuff pee on average.

It’s not, I don’t remember the number exactly, but it’s something like that.

It’s an average, so of course you pee longer

and shorter sometimes, but the average amount

of time for almost all mammals is the same amount of pee time.

Science, someone studied that.

It’s kind of amazing.

Alright, so now we get to another sort of

complaint, again, teaching the audience what you’re supposed to care about.

Solo.

If you’re a Star Wars fan, solo is pretty offensive.

It’s offensive for me primarily because fuck

those writers who clearly did not understand

what they were talking about when they wrote this film.

Throughout the entirety of all the Star Wars

franchise, there is one consistent and is that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

They are best friends.

And this pissed me off so much.

This is supposed to be the solo story and of course

within that first story is how he meets Chubaka.

He gets thrown in a thing with a wookie and

they’re like, “Haha, the wookie is going to kill that guy.”

And then he speaks a little wookie and then

the wookie doesn’t kill him and then he helps

the wookie escape and they have a blood oath.

You save my life and therefore I will serve you.

That is not friendship.

That is slavery.

Now you can grow friendship out of that because

solo maybe he doesn’t think about, he doesn’t

have any sort of regard for blood oaths because that’s not part of his culture.

And he just treats Chubaka like an equal.

That actually seems to happen right away from the beginning.

But there is no moment where they demonstrate

that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

That Han Solo is willing to risk himself and

his life and all his choices for his friend.

Chubaka is very selfless.

But if he does selfless things what we’re actually

seeing is maybe he’s just doing it because of a blood oath.

There is one scene and it ruined the entire film for me because they’re in a mind.

There are wookies being forced to do work the

minds, they’re slaves and then they have a mission.

They have to go left to go finish the mission.

I don’t know, steal some data.

You go right and go save the wookies.

Han Solo and Chubaka in that film.

Chubaka is like, I gotta go save my people and then Han Solo

is like, we gotta finish the mission or they’re gonna kill us.

And then Chubaka is like, nah man, I gotta do this.

And then Han Solo is like, okay let’s split up.

You go save the wookies.

I will go get the data and finish the mission.

This was the singular missed opportunity to

establish the love between these two characters.

What you need to show is Han Solo being really, really torn up.

Like I have to finish the mission or they’re

going to kill us but my best friend here needs help.

What he should have done was said, fuck it.

Let’s go save your people.

And then if we have time we’ll go get the data together.

So you rewrite that scene where it’s like

Chubaka goes, hey we gotta go save the wookies

and Han Solo goes, no we gotta finish the mission

or they’re gonna kill us and wookies, Chubaka

is like, nah man, fucking wookies are being enslaved right now.

I’m not, I can’t stand for that.

And Han Solo going, we gotta get them, they’re

gonna kill us, we gotta do it, we gotta do the thing.

And then, fuck.

Okay, let’s go save the wookies.

He has that emotional tear where his love for Chubaka

overwhelms or is more valuable to him than his own life.

They go save the wookies and then the wookies

help them take over the data center and then they all escape together.

Good scene, good movie.

We’ve established for the rest of the film.

You don’t even need to do anything else.

You’ve established that Han Solo cares more

for Chubaka’s values than he does for his own life.

And that is what best French is all about.

So, to seem like being a little less than for you what French are up is all about.

So we’re gonna get to the Guardians of the

Galaxy game and everything I’ve said so far, fucking mosquito.

It’s the one who bit my bicep, you motherfucker.

Sorry, the distractions are running hard and fast today.

I need to give you sort of my gamer resume to start.

I think, I think that’s fair because you could

say you just don’t like video games and stuff.

And again, sort of my thing at the beginning

where Michael Bay makes movies for 13 year old boys.

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Suddenly has to go into the water because there’s

this whole sort of subplot of rocket hates to get wet.

He overcomes that fear for the team and stuff.

But I was like, this doesn’t make sense.

If it’s water and I have just been given

freeze powers, I should be freezing the water.

So again, inconsistency makes it difficult for me to care about what’s happening

because what I’ve been taught and what is actually happening don’t match.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

So that is… Is everything about this sucks so much?

That you can hear… This is past the midpoint of the game, I’m pretty sure.

You can hear the despair I have at the fact that they are still talking.

One of my biggest complaints, again, messy.

Now, messy can come in a lot of ways.

There’s visually messy.

There’s a… Orally messy.

Guardians of the Galaxy, to me, is an orally messy game.

I care about what characters say.

I want to hear what the characters say.

I turn on subtitles even when I’m watching, even when I’m

playing a game, so that I don’t miss what characters say.

Because this game is a constant barrage of lines.

It means that the lines get mixed up so much that you actually

start to lose track of what they say is it important or not.

Because so much of what they say is trash, the

little gems of necessity in there get lost.

And all I can say at the end of this is, let’s see if I can hit that part again.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

And to me that was almost my whole experience in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Is they spent so much time talking.

It was so unnecessary.

It was so laborious.

And they just never actually got to the fucking point.

No idea what the darn amount.

That’s fine.

These scenes are so long.

So I have no idea what they’re talking about, but that’s fine.

It’s not the reaction I should be having as a player.

I should care about what’s going on, but at this point, we’re chapter 13.

They’ve lost me completely.

I think I say in the next part what’s important.

Okay, we’re on chapter 13.

There are 13, 14, 15.

So there’s four full chapters left.

That’s how you know a game is good.

You start counting down the chapters to the end.

So what’s happened now is I’ve gotten past the midpoint.

So the point of no return.

I’m going to finish the game.

I’m now actually spite playing it.

I’m playing it because I want to find all the things I hate.

Because I knew I was going to do something like this.

I knew I wanted to do.

By the midpoint, I was like, I need to analyze why I’m

having such a negative visceral reaction to this game.

Because I actually have not hated a game as

much as Guardians of the Galaxy as in my life.

And remember, this is a game that everyone else seems to love.

It has a medocratic score of 80 and a user score of 8.7, which is 87.

That is ridiculous.

Why do I hate it so much?

That’s what I’m trying to get through.

The story itself gets lost in the amount of noise they make and it is constant.

During battles they’re talking, during cutscenes they’re talking.

And it becomes unnecessary to listen to them when they talk.

So you get into this problem where I don’t

care what they say even when it’s important.

Oh, okay.

No, I completely nonsensical once again.

You should never sigh like that when you’re playing a video game.

You should never be exhausted at the beginning or the end of a cutscene.

I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene started

and I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene ended.

Please lost track of what I’m doing to be honest.

Okay, this is, if you’re able to see the screen if you’re

watching on YouTube, a fairly low-key combat moment.

They have, on the screen right now, they have up in the corner.

It says marvelous. They have my health bar.

That’s all pretty normal standard stuff.

They have some green lights that’s health coming back to me.

They have neon flashes.

They have a health bar above the enemy.

This is only two enemies on the screen right now.

I punch him, he punches me.

There’s some guys battling the background.

And what I found very annoying is the visual noise on the screen all the time.

It made it very difficult for me to focus on enemies and what was going on.

You’re supposed to be managing your team as well.

And I found the team management to be laborious

because you had to basically step out of the game.

Click a button and step back in.

The screen was covered and shit the whole time.

And I remember when the first Destiny came out, it bugged me.

It was particle effects.

It was flashing lights.

It was all bright neon.

The screen lit up constantly.

This was clearly, I think this might have been designed for a new

generation of gamer who can take in all that visual information.

So this might be me admitting I’m old.

And maybe that’s where I’m wrong and the game is actually okay.

So all those people who love the game, they’re younger

people who actually like don’t care for all of your stimuli.

But I found that I wanted a better visual understanding

of what was going on on the screen all the time.

And you had to use the right weapon to take down certain shields and stuff.

Flashes, the whole screen turns green.

I’ve lost the ability to remember things.

And there’s one more actually.

Which takes us to the second last boss fight.

The second last boss fight happens in pitch black.

So they actually take everything off the screen.

It’s the exact opposite of what’s been happening the entirety of the game.

The entirety of the game.

Everything’s lit up.

Everything’s bright.

Everything’s flashing at you.

So I think the intent was that we’ll take all that away.

And then you’re going to be like you’ll lose track of the enemies.

It’ll feel very claustrophobic, something like that.

What I actually ended up happening was it was felt exactly the same.

Because overwhelming light and complete lack

of light end up being the exact same feeling.

I’m just trying to finish the game.

I just want to fucking get it over with.

I am waiting for the end of a chapter so I can stop though.

So I would have stopped like 10-15 minutes ago.

Jesus Christ.

Can these scenes go longer?

Can they fucking go longer?

If we just add another 30-40 minutes of this, be great.

And there it is.

A very sincere expression of frustration with

the fact that the cut scenes go on too long.

Because they’re just talking constantly.

Everyone has to have their say.

Everyone has to have their quip.

The Guardians of the Galaxy movie by comparison.

Because you could say maybe Peter, what you hate is Guardians of the Galaxy.

That’s not true.

I enjoyed the first movie.

I enjoyed the second movie.

I watched the second movie in preparation for making this video.

And what I found was there was significantly less dialogue, quipping,

and jokes in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, then you would think.

Because the bits that stand out are the comedy.

The bits that stand out are the comedy because they are chosen.

The time is chosen.

So we’ve just had a very heavy scene.

We’re going to do this and then put in a scene with jokes.

And then we’re going to go out from that and go back

to honestly a very straightforward, serious film.

It’s primarily about man’s relationship with

his father, family, who you choose to be with.

It is heavy stuff.

As I said earlier, if you watch the commercials, if you watch

all the trailers for the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie,

you can watch the entirety of the comedic content in the trailers.

Everything else in the movie is relatively straightforward and serious.

This game failed at that part.

So I ended up clearly in the last part, incredibly

frustrated, because I care about what people say.

So I really want to hear what people say and I want it to be important.

And that is good writing.

You need to actually have people say things that mean stuff because it’s

telling me the audience what I need to think and feel going forward.

I regularly couldn’t hear or it was filtered out because there was

so much noise or it was filtered out because it was so constant.

There was so much constant talking that I actually didn’t hear what anyone said.

Too much is just as bad as not enough.

An inconsistent will mean there is no impact.

They were consistent in the volume, but not the quality.

The good bits and the bad bits, they were just all shit together.

Now I’m going to say that Guardians of the Galaxy, the video game is bad.

And I know people are going to say that your opinion is subjective, but

my opinion in this case is objective and if you disagree, you are wrong.

Let’s just see what Ryan Reynolds has to say about this.

None of us will be remembered.

None of us will be remembered in six underground

because it was an inconsistent shitty movie.

And I think Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is going to

be very forgotten very soon because it’s a bunch of noise.

It’s a terrible game and I hate it so much that I

actually hope that developer doesn’t make another game.

I don’t know how to finish now.

I don’t think I wrote an ending.

I think I don’t wish anything bad on actual people.

Whoever was sitting down writing that game and

said, “So there must have been a production day.”

And they were like, “We need to have them speaking nonsensically,

constantly because that’s the nature of the character.”

Those guys were wrong and they shouldn’t be allowed to write anymore.

I don’t want them to not have jobs and not be able to eat and stuff.

I do want them to never write another script.

[Music].