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Superhero Speculation

The comic mentioned in the podcast

[Music].

The name everybody knows, that’s Superman.

And it’s a question I’ve had since I was a kid, and it’s essentially how the

Superman fly.

In the early, early comics, which I haven’t read a lot of them, but I know

the very first few, just because I’ve read them on the Internet.

Superman doesn’t start flying. He starts by jumping, and that’s where you

get the leaps tall buildings phrase.

Just fine. So that’s something he’s learned how to do over time, is fly.

So it’s something he’s learned to control. It’s something he’s developed. It

‘s a skill, let’s say.

We also know that his physiology is very similar to humans. In that, he’s

got two legs, two arms, and his external body seems similar.

I did see a comic on the Internet where he was able to have sex with Lois

Lane, and his penis had pincers, and she was shocked.

It was a good comic. I’ll link to that if I can find it.

But basically, we could take that his internal systems are similar.

Of course, much more difficult to damage. He’s much stronger. But it’s never

been said that he has two hearts or four stomachs or anything particularly

unusual about him.

He’s just a humanoid. He is an alien, but basically he’s similar to us.

What I’ve always found interesting is that

he has to have some form of propulsion.

The only reason I know that is because he can change speeds. He can fly, and

then something exciting or dangerous happens, and he starts flying faster.

So there’s a push there, and it’s not coming from his arms. He puts his arms

out, and it seems more for stabilization purposes.

And his not like his legs, his legs seem to just trail behind him. He has

also been seen to hover.

And that to me was the clue as to what was going on, because then he’s

clearly not using his arms. He’s not using his legs because his legs have

actually seen images of him sort of in an almost a sitting position.

But his legs are not controlling, or his legs don’t seem to be controlling

his stable position in the sky.

So that means there is something pushing downwards to counteract gravity.

The image that came to mind was sort of those jump jets where the engines

pushed straight down, and then the wings turned and then they fly off.

We do know that one of his skills is what is referred to as super breath, so

he can blow out air really, really strong for a long time at a very, very

low temperature and freeze things.

And that would indicate that he has incredible control over the amount of

oxygen that goes into his body, which leads me to the conclusion that the

way Superman flies is by blowing air out his sphincter.

And that would also account for control speed. He could clench and it would

slow down and he could push harder and go faster.

When he’s doing his super breath, this is actually sort of a side issue. He.

does it for a very long time.

And we know that his lungs don’t have infinite capacity simply because they

‘re contained within his body, which means if he’s blowing for an extended

period, he has to be taking that air from another source, which makes me

think that he’s pulling air in through

his butt and blowing it out his mouth .

And the reverse could be true. He’s

taking air in through his mouth and nose.

and blowing it out his anus. And that is how Superman could fly.

Now, no one in the comics is ever complained about a smell because that

would lead to too many questions. I think

there are two possible reasons for this.

One, there’s the imminent threat of violence. I mean, you’re not going to

walk up to what is essentially a god on earth and telling him that when he

flies around, it really stinks.

But more logically, because it’s not really a fart, it’s not like student is

stomach, it’s just air blowing through

it, wouldn’t really have any smell at all.

Or because of his alien physiology, it smells great. It could smell like

mint. Superman flies by and there’s a nice minty aroma afterwards, which

would be great.

In one conversation, I even suggested that perhaps he farts ozone and is

therefore repairing the ozone layer as he flies around.

People have come up with counter arguments, but they always start bringing

in some pretty fantastic elements, whereas

this is a very basic solution to the problem.

And it takes into account his physiology

being similar to a human’s and does.

explain how he can modulate his speeds.

If you have a counter theory, please

feel free to post it and I’ll ignore that.

Wolverine. So he’s a mutant and that’s where he gets his healing abilities.

And we also know that in his forearms, there are sort of extra bones that

can come out and act like claws.

Later on as part of a military experiment, they decided to cover his whole.

skeleton in adamantium, which is cool because now he has like silver blades

that come out the front of his hand.

He was able to survive this process primarily because of his amazing healing

ability. It leads me to one question, which is why are his teeth not silver?

Because if they covered his whole skeleton in adamantium, why would you stop

at covering his teeth?

So we’re talking about his spine, his skull, his arms, his legs, all those.

bones. And it would seem like it would be more difficult to cover parts of

his skull rather than the whole skull, which would include his teeth.

So it seems to me that Wolverine should have

silver teeth. And that’s pretty much it.

The Hulk’s rapid expansion and contraction when he changes from Bruce Banner

to the Hulk. And the first question is when he goes from what seems to be an

average sized man to essentially a colossus of sorts, where does all that

material come from?

Now I actually came up with an interesting answer for this because it

actually what I really want to talk about is the second part.

But I have two ideas. One, it’s a form of photosynthesis, which is why he’s

green, which ties that in together really nicely because it gives him a

reason for being green as opposed to

the fact that that was just a cheap ink .

Or he just absorbs the water and material in the air around him. So he’s

just absorbing oxygen and hydrogen and water and anything that’s in the air

to convert that rapidly into new material,

which is what his body is composed of.

Most of our body is composed of water anyways. So just taking water from the

air and expanding your muscles and stuff would actually make a certain

amount of sense.

That’s great. So I could actually accept either of those answers. I’m sure

there’s some other ones to be great, but material just doesn’t happen. It.

just doesn’t exist out of nothing.

That leads to a slightly more disturbing secondary question of where does

all that material go after he shrinks down again.

The process of him going from being the Hulk to Bruce Banner again takes

only a matter of seconds. So that extra material has to be flushed out of

his system really quickly.

And that is sort of my first clue as to what should happen. Because to me in

my head, because it’s probably water or something like water, amino acids

and stuff, it’s liquid.

And we don’t see him vomit, although I think that would actually be really

appropriate.

To me, it seems that when the Hulk shrinks down into Bruce Banner, he should

almost instantaneously take a massive pee. Or probably more realistically,

he should take a massive liquid poop.

Now no one wants to see that. No one wants to draw that into a cartoon. And

that’s fine. But my thinking is that the

matter has to be absorbed into his body.

He becomes huge when he shrinks down.

That matter has to be disposed of. And.

that’s again, it’s something really gross that one of the things that they

don’t want to add into a column for kids.

Now one of my co-workers actually started discussing quantum states and the

distance between atoms and how that we are made up of mostly nothing.

Which is a fair claim. I didn’t like it

because it wasn’t as funny as taking.

a poop. But I brought that as a question

to a friend of mine who studied physics.

And he brought up the issue of if that’s how he expands and contracts, there

are two issues. One is the massive instability it would create.

And that would basically mean that he could be when expanding. He could just

keep expanding and explode. It would be like a nuclear bomb.

That would be an interesting story because it could be if he gets too angry.

So he gets angry and that sets off this process. If he gets too angry, it

just keeps going and he gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I actually don’t

know if that’s what happens.

So does the level of anger change how much of a hulk he becomes? It doesn’t

seem that way. It seems he becomes just state A gets angry and then state B.

The more terrifying aspect of this is when he shrinks down, he should

generate a massive amount of heat and just burn the whole area around him

because all that all that energy has to go somewhere because as he contracts

that the problem occurs that that energy has to go somewhere.

So it’s the same problem as I have earlier. Only I was using sort of

physical matter. If you do it with just

energy, that energy still has to go somewhere.

So yeah, every time he shrinks down, just a massive burn whole around him

and anyone close to him dies. Kind of interesting, to be honest.

Or, and this was the most interesting part to me was that if he collapsed

and just kept collapsing, he could actually become a singularity and develop

into a black hole.

So, this stability becomes a big issue when you start messing with quantum

space. And again, my coworker said that he’s a unique individual but humans

by nature change over time.

And that’s what my physicist friend said, which means yes, he was stable

when it happened at first, but over time his state would change, therefore

making him more unstable.

Which, to be honest, he’s a great storyline. So if Marvel wants to pick that

up, you know, just all I want is a finder’s fee. I don’t really, I don’t

expect a huge payday for this.

But again, if you have any theories as to what happens when the Hulk

particularly shrinks, it’s a bit I’m more interested in. I’d like to see it

in the comments.

[Music].

Elden Quiz

Quiz available at : https://chunkmcbeefchest.com/other/Eldenringquiz.pdf

What you’re about to watch or listen to is a quiz done by Mr. Warmhands for

me about the video game,

Elden Ring, Elden Ring, part of the Dark Souls universe. It is known for its

esoteric storytelling.

I spent more than 130 hours in this game. There may be spoilers. I just want

to be aware of that.

But probably not because most of the time I don’t know anything. That’s

actually kind of the point

of the quiz. I spent a huge amount of time in this world, took in everything

and yet took in nothing.

The quiz is going to be made available at chunkmobvchest.com. If you’d like

to download it and

play it with your friends, we’re absolutely

welcome to. These enjoy the quiz .

So we are bidding everyone a welcome to Stamina Day. May 14th is of course

everyone knows Stamina

Day, where you dodge roll out of bed and enjoy the first eye frames of the

day and then go and

praise the sun. I have my estus flask full of isoom estus. What is the

liquid they put in it?

I don’t actually know. Mr. Warmhands is with me. Hello. Hello. Hello. Do you

know that estus is

your calories? I did not. Wow. She drink more. Yeah. I mean, you drink it

all the time. He

don’t gain any weight. It’s great. I’m always worried about running out

though. I don’t know if it’s.

it. I’m just gonna wait. To wait for the bonfire. We celebrate. On Stamina

Day, we celebrate all builds.

Be they decks or strength or magic. Not so much arcane. You must collect

your souls, your echoes,

your runes. They’re all the same thing but they’re all different. I

celebrate souls more than anything

else because I am orthodox. Mr. Warmhands, what what what what what den

omination are you? I am of

the blood echoes. Oh blood echoes. Yes. There’s also the room room

collectors but of course on Stamina

Day, all are welcome. We all celebrate the

same thing. It needs to challenge ourselves.

And my understanding is that you, brother Warmhands, have prepared a game

for me today.

Challenge me. Is it challenging? Oh yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. Get ready to resp

awn many times.

Fuck. Because okay, we can establish one thing beforehand. I’m not I’m dumb.

Well, I’m not dumb.

I think I think the way my brain stores information is different. Right?

Because like I remember,

so we’ve talked about many games and many many movies. I have I understand

everything but I also

understand nothing. Is that makes sense? You’re like a skim reader of life.

Oh maybe. Yeah.

But I do I do. I have noticed that I recontextualize everything so that I

can remember it.

So the classic being when you talked about

the lady in the library, the big tall lady.

Yeah, but let’s not bring that up yet. Oh, I was because this was a one of

Mr. Blumentkats.

We’re not going to get to it. Okay. We’re going to get to it. Before we

start, drag just dropped in.

Hello, drag. I don’t want to ignore you. But we’re going to play an Elden

Ring quiz game.

Feel free to drop your answers in. I bet drag. He’s like new game plus 75 or

something.

Yeah. What denomination of the soul’s faith

is he? Yes. Are you orthodox dark souls?

Are you sort of one of the newer denominations? Are you bloodborne? I assume

you’re Elden Ring.

Because he seems to have played Elden Ring like a billion times.

He literally could walk me to things when I was playing and I got lost.

Yeah, I worship at the healing church. Oh,

the healing church is pretty good though.

I do love some. So because I started and it was the whole process for me

started with I played Dark Souls

two, one and three in that order because I got Dark Souls two super cheap

and I heard it was

essentially the worst one. So I played it first and if I figured if I liked

that, I would like the

other ones even more. And then I played Dark Souls one and then I played

Dark Souls three.

Oh, drag says he is Elden only. So he is a room collector.

Well, please, if you have time to hang out, please hang out and enjoy Mr. W

ormhands has made a quiz

and we’re going to quiz my knowledge of Elden Ring knowing that I at this

same time know everything.

and nothing. I’m very zen. Yeah. It’s very yin Yang of me to know everything

and nothing. So.

what format is the game? Is this multiple choice? There are five rounds.

And they are based on categories. It is not multiple choice. But there are

multiple answers that you

can give and you don’t have to give all of them. Oh, excellent. Oh, I might

actually have a chance then.

Yeah. So this is challenging but fair, much like the more life that we live.

And oh, I have just realized I do not have a method of keeping your score.

You can drop it into chat. I can drop it into chat. Well done. I do have a

method of keeping score.

Yeah. And then it’s public too. So everyone

can see how shit I am at everything.

Which is what we’re here for. Again, we’re celebrating the constant deaths

you have to experience

before you succeed. And that is how I live all life. That’s right. If only

you had that super power.

Yes, actually, that is the best one. Do

you know that in all the Soulsborne games,

your death is actually permanent? It’s like a alternate. Well, yeah, they

established that you live

in a multiverse. So when you die, that is the end of that story. And then

when you’re reborn,

you’re reborn in a whole new universe from the same point, which is why

everything is the same,

but slightly different. And then you can move on to succeed. So think about

every single death.

in a Soulsborne game is actually the end of that universe in a way. Because.

that universe does

not succeed. You don’t get to the final challenge. However many deaths I had

in Elden Ring,

the fate of those worlds is in jeopardy.

Yeah. Are you ready? I am full of estus.

Full of estus. Vigged up. I’ve buffed myself. All right. I’m ready. Then let

‘s begin with round one.

Oh, nice name. Row, what? Name already failed. I know. Okay. Before we start

, I think I know two names.

Wow. Well, we’re going to put two names. He’s not going to get you very far,

my friend.

Shit. All right. Let’s go. Let’s do it. Question number one. Name three. Sh

ardbearers.

Shardbearers are those. Okay. Okay.

No, no, no, no, no. There’s, there’s, uh ,

dude in the castle. Dude in the castle. Dude in the castle. So there’s,

there’s, there’s, uh, I think

is God freed. Is he stand outside or he’s in the castle? No. Fuck. Uh, there

‘s the dude in the castle

has one. There’s the dude stands outside

the door of the castle. He’s a twat.

. He’s, he pulls, he

is a twat. He pulls his arm off and puts a dragon on and he was just

absolute disliked him a lot.

There’s Rani. Yes. Does she not have a shirt? That’s literally like the kids

of the Elden God.

All right. So you’ve given me two attempts so far and failed on both. Okay.

I’m going to tell you

there are seven. Sh, fuck. You haven’t named, you were close with one of

them. God, no, Rani. No. How

was Rani? No, how can I be close with one if I only named two? It’s God

something. God, Rick. Oh,

okay. We got one. Oh, that is actually better than I expected. I know, I

know a lot of the naming

conventions use G and M for, for George R. Okay. Um, God freed. God, Rick.

God, Rick also.

No, two names. That’s one. The chicken library. The chicken, the library.

Okay. She’s, she’s big magic

baby. Yeah. Okay. What’s a real name? I know, Clue. I, because I know what

you’re trying to say when

you said it earlier, but you’re not quite there. Not big magic baby. No, but

you still got five more.

There’s no way I don’t have five names from the game. No, no. Final answer.

Yeah. God, right. So God,

Rick, you get, you get one point out of three. Okay. One point out of three.

Your answers could have been.

I’m already in fractions. Renala, who is big magic baby? Big magic baby. Yes

. Renala, I knew that.

General Radan. Oh, he’s big man, small horse. Big man, small horse. Yes.

Okay. He’d have had

Reichard. Oh, I kind of know who he is. Yeah. Snakey, body, boy, shelter.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Snakeman. Yeah. More God. More God is a name I have heard many times. Is he

the, the castle?

He’s the dude who stands outside the castle, the first like big boss you

fight. Yeah. He’s called

Marget then. And he is not the Shard bearer. It’s more God who is in the

throne room of,

oh, it’s the same dude outside and inside. Yeah, but it’s, yeah. No, yeah.

Okay. Then you have

Malania. Or Malania, I know, but I keep calling her Melania for Trump’s wife

. Melania. Yeah.

Melania is right. I think Melania. Melania. Melania. Okay. Whatever. And

then you also have Mogue.

Ah, Mogue is the big, the big dude. Corns. Essentially the devil, yeah. Yeah

. The blood guy. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So those are the seven you could have had. Okay. It’s three I wanted. Yes.

No, no chance.

All right. So question number two. Yes.

Is that round one? There’s still round one.

Fuck. Still round one. Name three areas.

Oh, Kaly. There are so many. There ‘s Kaly.

Kaly. Okay. Good. There’s a Lauren. The run. No, there’s the volcano castle.

It’s an area. No, I’m gonna take it. Oh, okay. The volcano manor is the,

okay. There we go. The volcano manor.

Is, is on the snowy giant area. So there’s a giant peak.

And snowy giant’s peak. It just sounds

weird. These extra snowy giant’s peak .

It is the giant plateau. It is, there is a plateau. There is a plateau. It’s

not giant.

There is, there is the capital city.

Okay. What’s its name? Capital city. No .

The capital, the, the capital, the, the, the capital. There’s the, okay. You

start out in the planes.

This is, oh gosh. Show you how my brain works. We start out in the planes

and we go to the area

off to the left is the, the, the swamp. And then there’s sort of that like

wet area with the

university. And then you go up to mountains at the top and you have like the

, the very nice,

when you get up that, that big elevator that I didn’t go up, I actually went

around behind.

That’s the plateau. Atlas plateau. Oh, we found three. I’m excellent. We got

three. I don’t even know

why I remember Atlas all of a sudden. It’s not like I ever used that name.

Well done. I’m pretty proud

of myself. So once I thought you might have remembered where like Limgrave,

which is the planes

that you were talking about. Then the swampy

castle areas, Learnia of the lakes. Okay.

Farum Azula. Oh, so Learnia is probably Laurent in my head for some reason.

Then the capital is Lindell. Lindell. Okay. Yeah. And then you’ve got like

the deep root depths.

Where’s kind of a popular area? Like, wow. Very low underground. Obviously.

Oh yeah, no, no, no. Okay,

I spent a lot of time there. The eternal city. The eternal city. It is. It

is that last forever.

Yes. Then there was Ansel River. I thought you might remember too. No. All

right. No, it’s just

the river. Well, but I’m impressed. Okay. Three. Well done. Oh, no, I’m

pretty happy about that.

All right. So last, last question in round

one. Okay. I’m ready. Name three NPCs.

Millicent. Millicent. Okay. Because she was the last one. I actually really

cared about trying to

finish her mission. A quest, yeah. There’s

the salesman, no face guy at the beginning.

I finished his questline too. He was just sales dude. Well, don’t drag, drag

through it.

Ronnie, she’s not an NPC though. She’s like a quest giver. She’s like big.

Maybe the way I think

about NPCs is different. There’s the Chiku eats eyes. There’s Millicent.

There’s the Chiku sits

around the wolf. There’s the daughter who dies. She wants you to go in and

say hello to the jelly

fish and shit. She turns into a jellyfish later. Her dad, there’s the guy

you meet. He’s a nobleman

and he kind of looks down on you because you’re tarnished and then you go to

his castle and his

castle is all like wrecked. Okay. I’m not getting any names here. No, no, no

, no, no, no. I’m working on

it because maybe one will come to me. This salesman. They’re the one that

drags mentioning at the

church and the one that you mentioned that you first meet. Then you do his

quest, not the same person.

No, they’re not. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s talking about one that begins

with K and you’re

talking about one that begins with a different letter. Not K. Yeah. I’m just

trying to get a list of

NPCs that I, oh, oh, there’s a wolf boy. He’s like big. He’s important. He’s

runny’s dude. She’s

like a piece of her soul is all in him or vice versa. He’s made for her. But

the truth is I was made

for her and he, he’s just second here in the way. Yeah. Yeah. Oh god damn.

He’s not Wolfenstein,

which is what I was going to do. When I played the game, it was like go find

Wolfenstein and I,

I had it locked in. You’ve got one so far. There are many. I’ve been like

eight down, but there’s so many.

Yeah, no, no, I bet I know them all. I just don’t know their names. There’s

big round dude. There’s

the big jarhead guy. Yeah. A patch is in there. Okay, I’ll take, because he

‘s in every game. So I can

always just say patches. Yeah. You’re on two. I got two and I got to get one

more. And I’m not

going to say runny because drag put it in the chat. But ranny is an NPC.

Absolutely. Yeah, she,

I, because I, I considered her more important than an NPC. Only because, oh,

and then there’s,

there’s fade in fade out chick who talks to you at the, at the fires. She

legit fades in and

fades out when you talk to her. Oh, can you don’t remember her name? She

tries to give you a car.

Yeah. Yeah. No, she does. She does give you a car. Yeah. And the cold sir,

sir, sir canter’s a lot.

Second is a lot. Yeah. I do know his name is Torrent. Is Torrent an NPC? No,

he’s, I wouldn’t count him

as an NPC. He’s got any with you the whole time. That’s not. No, Mildred. M

ildred. I feel, oh, I

didn’t write her down, but I feel like Mildred is an NPC. I just remember

that name, not who she is.

This is literally the opposite. I remember everyone else in not their name.

I remember this name,

but not who that is. No, I think she is the one who does your, no, no, maybe

not, no, I’m not

finding it. Elder Mildred. Well, if Ronnie’s

an NPC, then Chubby Sorcerer is also an NPC.

There is an invader who’s called Manita Mildred. No, okay. So that’s it.

Because I remember her,

I’ve been here. Because you have to fight her three times to get something.

I’m not counting her.

Okay, fair enough. Because MPCs, you generally kind of don’t fight, right?

Yeah, the shithead’s

Sorcerer who works for Ronnie. Oh, yeah. I’m just going through all the ones

I kind of dealt with.

There was the Sorcerer who, the lady who teaches you magic underground. Yeah

, she gets killed. There’s

a guy hunting her. Oh, there’s the Dung Eater. Oh, okay. That’s a name I can

‘t even think of a name

because he is just the Dung Eater. Less his name. Yeah, the Dung Eater. I

know. I know. But I couldn’t

have made up a better name because that was literally sort of my name and

convention. He actually

follows it. It’s not a name. It’s like a description of what he is. Yeah.

The guy I think you were talking

about at the beginning with the white mask. Yeah, he wears a mask and he’s

the first person you talk to

when you get in. His name’s Vare. Oh, yeah.

Then Wolf and Stein is Blife. Bl ife. Blife?

It’s Swells. It’s spelled B-L-I-D-D, but it’s pronounced Blife. Oh, okay.

Then… Never caught on to that. Smithing

Master Hug. I thought you’d remember him.

Smithing Master Hug is

pretty… I really liked him too. And then there’s also that big tall black

Smith who EG. Yeah, who also

works for… Yeah, it’s like a Japanese name. Yeah. I actually, I might have

remembered him if I

remembered. Okay. So these are the ones I thought you might remember. And

then the Ieating Lady was

Hayata. Hayata. Now that you’re saying the name, I’m like, yes, that’s

correct. Then there was the

deathbed maiden who’s called Fia. Yeah, and you hug her. Yeah, and there was

D. Who’s D? D

we had the Wiyadama with the body on it. Oh, with the head on it. Oh, yeah.

I never interacted with

him in any real way. Oh, and then standing across from him was the other

sorcerer dude who got

kicked out of school. No, that’s from a church. There’s a there’s a sorcerer

you can meet and he got

kicked out of the university and he couldn’t get back in because of the

shield. And then you can

let him back in. But I never met him again. Yeah, that’s not… He’s not in

the roundtable hole.

No, no, I’m confusing to people because there’s another sorcerer and then he

like starts wandering out

in the world. You can meet him a couple times, but he never… He’s called

…Ops. Yeah, he never did

anything significant that from in my playthrough. Well, if you’re in the

academy, you can find another

key into the academy. You can go back and give it to him. What to him? Yeah,

I gave it… I got the

I got the guy who was who was locked out. I got him back in. Yeah, and then

you find him dead inside

the academy layer. Oh, yeah. If you give him the key. Yeah, I’m kind of glad

. Oh, well, I never saw him

again. There was Roger, sorcerer, Roger. Yes. Yeah, there was Bok. Seems,

seems, seems to Bok.

I like him. Yeah. He’s the Harry Potter guy, the little like… The little

ratty. Yeah, yeah, I like

him actually quite a lot. And then there was floaty, it disappearedy lady.

Come on. Melina. Melina.

Then I think the names are too similar, maybe, is one of the issues. I think

you just skimmyed life.

I do my own my own short form of existence.

So round one total, you got seven,

about a nine, not bad. That’s a past,

though, yeah. I mean, we’re just going on…

This is whatever. Yeah. We’ll just say

how many points you get. It doesn’t …

Oh, I know. It’s a game. It’s fun. Yeah. All right. And this one, I had a

lot of fun making this one.

I had a lot of fun making this one. And I don’t know how you’re going to do.

I guarantee poorly.

Round two is enemy or metal band. I’m

ready. I’m so ready for this. So number one,

Miss Begotten or Pig Destroyer.

Yeah.

Am I supposed to say they’re both enemies

or ones in enemy and ones in metal ?

One is an enemy, one is a metal band. And you have to tell me the enemy.

Miss Begotten is a metal band. You are incorrect, my friend.

Fuck. Pig Destroyer is the enemy. It’s the metal band.

And Miss Begotten is… Okay. Okay.

Yeah. You’ve got those Leoni Miss Begotten who jumps around, gives you that

sword with the big swords, like the Game of Thrones reference sword.

Yep. Yep. Okay.

All right. Number two.

Ready. I am ready now. Okay. Black tongue or mad pumpkin head.

Mad pumpkin head is an enemy.

You got that one. Correct, my friend. I’ll put some dings in as well.

Yeah. It’s a celebration. Celebratory sounds or something or some dings.

All right. Number three. Oh, I did my ad. That’s fine.

Number three. Warhawk or hate beak.

That’s tough. Warhawk. Yeah. Or hate beak. Yes.

I think warhawk is an enemy. My friend, you are correct.

Yes. Okay.

I am not a parrot.

This is pretty good. I’m enjoying this. I’m having a good time.

I’m enjoying this. This is a… I’ll type this up afterwards and we can post

it on the Internet for people other

people to do. Okay. All right. Number four.

Vale of Maya or Miranda Sprout. Vale of Maya is an enemy.

My friend, you are incorrect.

It’s tough. Vale of Maya is a metal core band. Okay. Metal core.

As in… they’re all metal cores.

Okay. As in the center of them is Isian.

Yeah. Yeah. I sent you that dwarf metal.

I’d already heard it, but yeah. I loved it. Yeah. Okay. You can’t surprise

me with metal.

I didn’t think I could. I just enjoyed… I discovered it.

No, it’s fun. There’s a lot of subcategories

Ginned Up Hearing

Back last February 15th, I did an episode called 5G Flat Coke.

And in that episode, I talked about the

conspiracy theory behind the TikTok algorithm.

The conspiracy theory behind the TikTok algorithm was that it serves up

different content to different regions.

So in China, the algorithm serves up science and technology to make Chinese

kids think that’s cool,

but they’ll pursue those things, it’ll be popular, and then make Chinese

culture like sort of raise it up.

The alternative to that was in America, it serves Booty shaken and dumb

stuff to nullify any positive effects and bring down Western culture.

Now that actually was before I realized that the TikTok app is not available

on mainland China.

So I didn’t actually know that when I was actually doing that thing.

So we’re talking about TikTok and

congressional hearings, which is peak content.

Actually right now TikTok congressional hearing problem, I’m probably a week

late for that.

You got to be like on it and I’m not because I actually want to see all the

stuff and then talk about it.

So the conspiracy theory that it’s serving different content in China and

America can’t be true because the app itself is not available in China.

Therefore, that element cannot be true.

My theory was that different regions have different likes and stuff, so the

algorithm is altered for each region, which makes sense just from a business

standpoint.

And a lot of the things I talked about in that episode of Seeming B was that

a lot of conspiracy theories can either be explained by economics or the

impossibility of having that many people just keep their mouth shut.

That’s actually the other issue that comes up.

So before we get into it, TikTok itself.

So the TikTok ban, this congressional hearings about like, is the apps

buying on people trying to ban it from America essentially is what they were

talking about.

Why is this come about and what do I think about it?

Well, it’s come about primarily again because of economics.

The thing they’re not saying is TikTok is taking all the ad revenue away

from other companies like Google and Facebook

and all these other sort of competitors.

It is just undermined them significantly.

And no one’s actually going to come

out and say that part, this is about money.

Four years ago, there was a congressional hearing about Google.

What was the problem with Google?

Google was making all the money.

So they talk about national security and stuff.

Realistically speaking, I don’t think any of that’s true.

They’re talking about this company is taking too much of the market share.

This company is making too much money. We need to sort of claw some of that

money back to make sure it stays in American hands.

That is really all this congressional hearing is about.

So if your company is too successful and it’s not American, I think that

might be the primary issue.

Does TikTok the app spy on you?

Yes, but so does every other app that exists.

So if you have Facebook, Facebook tracks you, if you use Google, Google

tracks you, if you use TikTok, TikTok tracks you,

there is no situation where a social media based company or a company that’s

relying on the revenue via information is not trying to track you as much as

humanly possible.

So in the clips I’m going to play, they talk about how you know they they it

‘s all sort of user based stuff.

They are trying to talk around the issue that yes, we’re trying to get as

much information in these humanly possible without actually letting on to

people how much information we have collected.

That’s sort of the issue. So opting out is always one of the first issues.

Like when you’re given a new service, usually you’re automatically opted

into certain tracking systems.

And then you have to opt out, which makes it that much harder because people

don’t read those things.

They just click yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, move on.

I want to play with my new app.

Usually agreeing to have everything on your phone tracked.

And that’s not a TikTok thing.

That is a computer company thing.

Does it spy?

Does it?

Can it be used by the Chinese to spy on people?

I don’t know.

I mean, honestly, it could.

I know that your microphone can be turned on remotely, incredibly easily by

almost anyone.

I know pretty much every government has a legal system to make that happen.

Like basically in America, I think you just get a warrant and then if they

can get the right warrant at the right time, they can turn on your mic.

They can turn on your camera.

They can see all this stuff.

You see it in movies all the time, like

they start listening in on conversations.

That’s not actually a hard thing to do.

I couldn’t do it.

I’m not that technologically adept.

But I know that the people who do know these things, they know how to do it.

Should TikTok be banned?

Is an interesting question because I

think if you have a government issue phone,

I don’t believe there should be any social media apps.

I actually think if you have a government issue phone that you shouldn’t be

allowed to put any app on it that isn’t already put on by the government,

essentially, you as a user shouldn’t be allowed to use those phones.

You shouldn’t be allowed to alter those phones.

That to me would be the most basic level of security.

I read an article about a week ago and was talking about how the Pentagon is

struggling because people in the Pentagon are so horny,

they keep putting Tinder on their government issued phones.

Is Tinder tracking you?

Absolutely.

It’s got to use your location to be able to

tell you where the other horny people are.

So that’s sort of the first problem is

users keep putting stuff on their phone.

I don’t think it matters if it’s TikTok

or Tinder or Facebook or anything else.

Every single one of those apps tracks you in some way.

Every one of those apps could be exploited in some way.

God damn it.

There he is for you.

There he is just looking mighty in the background.

So I should actually change my shift so that I work in the evening more and

then stream in the morning because everyone just dropped in real quick.

It says I only have one viewer but like three or four people have already

dropped in and out.

Dave looks like he’s trying to think of what to do next.

Well, dude.

I got to do the podcast.

I actually believe if you work for the government you probably shouldn’t be

bringing your personal phone with you into government buildings.

But that’s a bit extreme on my side.

I know you do probably need to have stuff for like personal emergencies and

things like that and contact information.

So that’s all very important for businesses.

And look at that.

That peak I just hit for businesses.

For businesses, I think again, if a company

says don’t have TikTok on your phone.

If it’s a company issued phone, it’s their phone not yours.

I think that’s a fair agreement to make.

Companies saying that you can’t bring your personal phone

into the building or whatever.

Again, I think that’s kind of their prerogative.

You as a company or you as an employee could agree and or disagree

with the actual policy.

That’s to be worked out between individuals and the company.

But I can understand a company taking that stance.

Like say we have some R&D or something.

We don’t want phones that are going to be tracked.

It could be put on or any sort of security in that room in that building.

I think that’s a fair thing for them to make.

Now should TikTok be banned nationally in America?

I think the core issue there is America

has based all of its ideas and policies

on the idea or the concept of personal freedom.

So turning around and saying that you cannot use this app

because the government doesn’t like this app is counterintuitive

to what a lot of these government officials say America stands for.

So personal freedoms dictate that if I want to use a Chinese-made phone

tracking system, oh my god, look at this,

what I have right here, it’s my phone.

It’s actually a Huawei.

China is probably listening right now.

So once they give me that boost and actually get me the audience in China,

that one billion people will be fine, I’ll be making tons of money.

But the premise is that if this is what I want to do as an American citizen,

then I should be allowed to do it.

That is personal freedom.

If I want to carry an AK-47 with a smartphone

tied to the end that has TikTok on it,

should be allowed to do it.

That is the premise.

Jade has just put that law in the US is actually nightmare fuel.

It could restrict so many freedoms.

I mean, the irony is the clips I’m about to play as examples for how bad

these congressional

hearings are is that it’s mostly Republicans

who talk about freedom the most ,

but then spend all their time trying to restrict others’ freedoms.

I think we all know that’s true as an irony.

We’ve all watched a daily show and all these other shows.

But why am I focusing on this?

And it’s primarily because in Japan, about four years ago,

it had the Minister for Cybersecurity.

And then he was put into place and then it came out in the news that the

Minister for Cybersecurity didn’t know how to use a smartphone.

Not that he wasn’t good at it, did not know how to use it.

Basically, I don’t know if he didn’t know

how to use like the fingerprint scanner,

didn’t know how to use a touch panel, something like that.

Basically, he could not use his smartphone. And when this came to light,

everyone’s like, well, how can you be in charge of cybersecurity?

If you don’t know anything about technology,

he said, I only have to make decisions.

So if I want someone to use the phone, I tell them to use the phone.

So essentially saying, I’m so important.

I don’t need to know stuff to be able to govern effectively.

But the problem is he’s supposed to be in charge and governing technology

and making rules about technology, but how can you make rules about

something you don’t understand?

So I went back and I watched the TikTok hearing, not the whole thing.

It’s like five hours long.

But the highlights showed up really quickly.

I went back and thought, like, there’s other congressional hearings with

similar things have happened.

So I went back four years ago and watched the Google technology hearing.

And I wanted to see if there was sort of

any overlap or similarities between the two.

So let’s get to that because that’s

really the entertainment we have for today.

So we have Mr. Jordan, I believe he’s a Republican.

And this is back four years ago when they

do, they’re talking to what’s his name?

Chai. Yeah.

They’re talking to Sundar Pichai, who is the CEO of Google at the time.

I don’t know if he is now or not.

But they’re basically trying to find out like what Google does, how the

algorithm works.

Basically, they’re very angry that when you search for things about Trump,

all this negativity comes up.

So the premise of this isn’t about freedom.

It isn’t really about doing things the right way.

This is primarily about the fact that

every time we search stuff about Trump ,

a whole bunch of negativity comes up.

And why have you not fixed that for us already and made it so that Trump

only looks good?

Iliana Marillo is Google’s head of multicultural marketing.

Does Ms. Marillo do good work?

I’m not directly familiar with her work, but she’s an employee of Google and

, you know, we are proud of her employees.

Your head of multicultural marketing said

you were pushing to get out the Latino vote,

paying for ride to the polls for the Latino vote only in key states.

And you’re saying that’s not accurate?

Yes, that’s right. We haven’t found any evidence to substantiate any.

So she just made it.

Okay, so that’s the first thing.

Is this is you swear an oath when you join one of these congressional

hearings that you’re

going to tell the truth, the whole truth, all that stuff. But if you lie

under oath, that’s perjury. So he’s

going to be committing a crime if he lies.

And this is the CEO of Google. He’s not

a dumb man. He knows what he’s doing .

He knows how this works. He knows if he lies and he gets caught, he actually

could get in trouble.

Now, I think the reality is congressional hearings. I have never heard of

anyone getting arrested

as immediately as they walk out of the door. But you have our friend, Mr.

Jordan, at the speaker,

he said, is this true? Now, Mr. Pichai has just said, no, that’s no true.

They haven’t found any evidence to substantiate that she made it up.

Well, so he was interrupted.

Google looked into this and they did not find any evidence that what the

congressman is saying is actually true.

I did up out of thin air the day after the election, wrote this email to

your top executives, and it’s not true.

Congressman, I’m happy to follow up, but I think employees today do their

own activities.

No, what’s the follow up? I want the

real answers right here in this committee.

He’s actually laughing at him like he’s caught him. But what is actually

happening is Mr. Pichai

set up a pretty interesting dichotomy. He’s like, we looked into this, we

didn’t find it.

Mr. Jordan did not accept that as an answer, just might the fact again if he

could prove it was

perjury. But Mr. Pichai has also gone and said, look, these are people and

they do stuff outside of

Google. So maybe they did something outside

of Google that we have no control over.

Again, that sort of takes you back to the personal freedom thing. What they

do at the company,

what they do outside the company are necessarily the same thing. This isn’t

the dumbest thing, but the guy

has, again, they’ve been fed information. And the guy is just Mr. Pichai has

just come out and said,

that’s not true. There’s really nothing you can do to follow that up with.

As I said earlier, we have looked into it, we didn’t find it.

Did you push to get out the key vote? And I would say the two most

populous states for Latinos would be California and Texas. Did you push to

get out the Latino vote and pay for people

to go to the polls in California and Texas?

We as a company didn’t have any effort to push out votes for any particular

demographic.

Basically, he says no. I mean, and of course, Google isn’t going to go and

push the vote on one side

of the other primarily because that would be a massive problem for them if

they actually got caught

doing it. He knows this, so they’re not actually going to do it. We against

our principles.

We participate in the civic process in a non-partisan way, and we think it’s

really important. We do it that way.

I have an iPhone. And if I move from here and go over there and sit with my

Democrat friends,

which will make them real nervous, this guy is already weird. This guy has

just said, I have an iPhone.

And he has failed to realize that iPhone

and Google are not the same companies.

And this is again sort of an example of my point. We have people in charge

who don’t understand the

fundamental nature of different things. So he thinks Google and the Internet

and phones and all of

this is just one thing. He doesn’t understand that it is different. Now, to

me, the sincerity with what

Mr. Pichet responds to this thing. He says, just Google track my movement.

Now, it’s an iPhone.

So iPhone, Apple absolutely is tracking your movements. It probably has a

map app on it in GPS and stuff,

so it is 100% tracking your phone. He’s also inadvertently held up a picture

of his granddaughter

on the phone. It’s his background wallpaper. Unless like, that’s like a

default one that he just

doesn’t know that kid. When he’s saying, if I move from here over there,

will Google track me? Now,

the answer is Apple, probably the answer is yes. Maybe not over 10 feet or

100 feet, but it’s going to

certainly know you’re in this building. It’s going to know the other phones

that are in that building

if their iPhone’s for sure. But since it’s not a Google product, Google

technically has nothing to

do with that phone. Does Google track my movement? Does Google through this

phone know that I have moved

here and moved over to the left? It’s either yes or no. So the answer in

this case is no. I mean,

if we’re being really honest, the answer in that case is no. Mr. Pichai is

actually going to respond

to this more appropriately by saying like, there is the possibility that you

had, let’s say, Google maps

on your phone and Google maps attract you because you would have let it. But

he can’t get that far

because the guy just starts demanding yes or no answers. When these are not

yes or no answers,

and if he is going to do yes or no answers, the answer is no. It’s not

because it’s an iPhone.

Not by default. There may be a Google service which you’ve opted into use.

So Google knows that I

am moving over there. It’s not. See, and he keeps saying like this is like

not a trick question, but

it’s because he doesn’t understand the question or the answer. It’s not a

trick question. No, and he’s

not trying to give you a trick answer. He’s trying to actually explain to

you if you put a Google

service on your iPhone and you allow that Google service to track your

movements, then yes, Google

will track your movements. But right now what you’re saying, the answer is

no. Not a trick question.

You know, you make a hundred million dollars a year. You ought to be able to

answer that question.

Does Google know through this? This

man’s hand is now shaking because he’s so

getting so angry that he’s not getting what he wants is the answer is to be

yes. That’s what he wants.

But he’s not getting the answer he wants because he’s actually doesn’t

understand the question he’s asking.

Phone, that I am moving over there and sit next to Mr. Johnson, which would

make him real nervous.

Why would sitting next to your coworker make them nervous? This is a whole

different thing.

He’s making it sound like he’s either going to intimidate that guy or that

guy thinks he’s really creepy.

I don’t understand why him moving across the room to one of his coworkers

would make his

coworker so nervous because Mr. Poe is not that intimidating to me. He’s a

he’s a pudgy older man.

He’s got a little less hair than me, but you know, we’re on the same path

than that one.

But I would not find him intimidating in any way. I don’t understand why he

‘s making his

coworker so nervous unless it’s the way he behaves like a fucking psycho. It

‘s his question.

It’s yes or no. I wouldn’t be able to answer it. I’m looking at it. I can’t

say yes or no.

He’s saying I can’t say yes or no without looking at your phone because I

have to know what

services are on your phone. But this guy doesn’t understand that the apps

and the phone are actually

different things. He thinks it’s just

one thing. Without knowing more details.

So anticipating what took place in 2016 happening again and this is

specifically regarding

what Russia did to foment racial tensions in the United States and wanting

to know how you are

responding to that. Were they called for fake protest either to get African

Americans to turn out

to protest something that was fake or to have white supremacists be ginned

up to attack communities

of color. I think can I just say that I have not heard the phrase ginned up

in a very long time and

I really enjoy the use of the phrase ginned up. I would like to see a lot

more ginned up talk in

my life. So specifically what is Google doing to respond to that? We mainly

saw with respect to Russia

limited improper activity on our ad platforms. But in general we are not a

social networking company

across the products we do. So what Mr. Pichai is kindly trying to explain is

the thing you’re talking

about the Russians in 2016 trying to foment revolution trying to you know

incite protest and riots and

stuff. That was done on Facebook. So this congresswoman maybe doesn’t

understand that Facebook and

Google are different things, different products, different services. She may

not understand where that actually happened

in the first place. It’s really hard to

understand.

In India we haven’t done well as a company. So we typically are in

connecting groups of people

and that’s not how Google mainly works today. And so we haven’t seen that

kind of activities on our

platforms. But we are vigilant and you know and happy to share any findings

which come through as

we look into it more. I do like that they keep bringing up China. Google is

not a Chinese company.

TikTok I didn’t know wasn’t a Chinese company until these actual

congressional hearings where I

found out that they’re headquartered in Singapore now. But we’ll get to that

in a second because we’ve

got a couple more of these to get through. So again this is trying to

connect Google to China.

And so what he’s trying to do is find a way for Chinese spies to get through

Google to America so

that he can say that Google is now an enemy of America. In China has

deteriorated with respect to

surveillance censorship and the likes since Google first made the decision

in 2010 to leave. So I

want to ask very specifically are any employees currently having product

meetings on this Chinese project

and if not when did those end? We have undertaken an internal effort but

right now there are no plans to

launch a search service in China. So that’s it that’s actually the answer.

So the guy said like are you

going to create a product specifically for China and what he’s saying is are

you working with the Chinese

government? Mr. Pichai just said no no we’re not. But of course that’s not

the answer he wants so they

have to keep going. I said oh dear. Are there any current discussions with

any member of the Chinese government on

launching this app? Currently we are not in

discussions that are on launching a

search product in China. Are there any current discussions with members of

the Chinese government?

How many different ways can you say the same thing and how many different

ways can you get this

due to say no dude we’re not we’re not working with China. We’re not working

with China. We’re not

working with the Chinese government. Can we move on about this? This effort

currently is an internal

effort and you know I’m happy to consult as well as we transpire into the

action we take steps towards

launching a product in China. And who

at Google is leading the Dragonfly effort?

It’s a you know our efforts around building search you know it’s it’s

undertaken by our search

teams but these are distributed efforts. It’s a limited effort internally

currently. Will you Mr. Pichai

rule out launching a tool for surveillance and censorship in China while you

are CEO of Google?

Congressman I come into engaging one of the things which is important to us

as a company.

We have a stated mission of providing users with information and so we

always we think it’s

an our duty to explore possibilities to give users access to information and

you know I have that

commitment but you know as I said earlier on this we’ll be very thoughtful.

Okay so he just goes on

and just talked about how like like if we make a product for China and you

want to look at it we’re

actually going to let you look at it that’s basically all you say. We do get

some more entertaining

one. This has to do with very specifically I did enjoy this interaction.

Right now if you Google.

the word idiot under images a picture

of Donald Trump comes up I just did that.

Now this is it she thinks this is this is them manipulating the system which

I do enjoy.

How would that happen? How does search work so that that would occur?

So for me the problem here is that you have someone who needs to ask how

search works. Now I again

I’m not a technology expert but I do have a fundamental understanding of how

search works. Basically

the more something gets popular the more I get shared around the more I get

seen on the Internet

that moves it up the ranks to the top of the search. So basically because

everyone keeps talking about

how stupid Donald Trump is when you search the word idiot his reference is

getting pushed to the top and I’m sure

that week he did something really stupid.

We provide search today for any time you type in a keyword. As Google we

have crawled we’ve gone out

and crawled and stored billions of billions of web pages in our index and we

take the keyword

and match it against web pages and drag them. She’s nodding along this whole

time. She has no

fucking clue what he’s saying. When he starts talking about like they go out

and they crawl the Internet

and spiders and stuff. She’s like thinking of actual spiders crawling around

in the Internet.

You can tell she’s kind of already shut off just by the look on her face.

She’s like nodding but I

don’t think she’s paying attention at all. Based on over 200 signals things

like relevance,

freshness, popularity, how other people are using it and based on that you

know at any given time

we try to rank and find the best results for that query and then we evaluate

them at external

radars to make sure that and they evaluate it to objective guidelines. This

is still part of the

same hearing and then iPhone has come up multiple times because you know all

these congress people

are using iPhones. So because they’re using iPhones again they don’t

understand that there are different

phones. They think there’s only one product called phone and it is the

iPhone. I have a seven-year-old

granddaughter who picked up her phone before the election and she’s playing

a little game kind of

game a kid would play and up on their pops a picture of her grandfather and

I’m not going to say into

their record what kind of language was used around that picture of her

grandfather but I’d ask you

how does that show up on a seven-year-old’s

iPhone who’s playing a kid’s game.

Congressman iPhone is made by a different company and that’s it that’s all

you need right there is

they they keep running into the problem of these guys just don’t know what

they’re talking about

in the first place so how can they ask real and relevant questions he’s

saying like how is it possible that a picture

of me shows up with negative language my

granddaughter sees that don’t you

feel bad about my granddaughter being told that I’m a piece of shit but

maybe if you weren’t a piece of

shit that wouldn’t show up on your iPhone the thing that Google has nothing

to do with.

So you know I mean I might have been in

Android it was a hand me down to some guy.

So he’s he’s now like okay well maybe it wasn’t an iPhone maybe it’s an

Android bad or no

you know as long as you the problem is you’re not saying the thing I want

you to say so say the

thing I want you to say. I’m happy to fall open I understand this specifics

there may be an application which was being

used. So he goes back because it’s not

necessarily Google it depends on

what apps are on your phone this is again one of the fatal flaws that these

people just don’t seem

to understand. Then we’re going to move on to the actual tick-tock one so

this is this has happened

like about a week ago or two weeks ago of course it was really big on tick-

tock because all those

people thought you know this is unfair. I don’t think a lot of the people

who are talking about it

actually understood the issues at hand but I think really more than anything

else this is about

tick-tock undermining the monetary value of the competing services which has

pushed Congress

into action. Can you say with a hundred percent certainty that tick-tock

does not use the phone’s

camera to determine whether the content that elicits a pupil dilation should

be amplified by the

algorithm. So what he’s saying is that and I love this this to me shows that

he’s been fed information

that information is conspiracy level stuff he has no fucking clue what he’s

talking about. So he’s

saying when I look at tick-tock and a juicy Booty comes onto the screen my

eyes will dilate and tick-tock

is using my camera to watch my eyes and it’s going to see if my eyes dilate

and when I see the juicy

Booty my eyes dilate and it goes oh we better serve up Chong with Veef Chess

more juicy booties

and that’ll get him addicted to this and then we will have full control over

Chong with Veef Chess

life and future and all his money weirdly accurate though the response to

this again these are CEOs

they are much much more classy people than me my response to this would have

been no and just left

it at that and if you ask follow questions ask follow questions these guys

are very generous in their

answers that’s because they’re not really on trial I would have treated this

like a trial and just

said no and not explained it unless he asked more questions that and then

answered those questions

specifically and not explained anything can you tell me that we do not

collect body face or voice

data to identify our users we do not the only face data that you get that we

collect is when you

use the filters to have say sunglasses on your face we need to know where

your eyes are so what he’s

saying that if you are going to use a filter which means you’re already

using your camera they use

facial recognition to find out where your eyes are so that they can put fake

sunglasses on your

eyes they need to know where the top of your head is so they could put like

bunny ears on your ears

so we need to use any of those filters they need to know what a head is and

what it is so they can

put things on the right part of your head this guy again of course that’s

not the answer he’s looking

for therefore it’s completely unacceptable why do you need to know where the

eyes are if you’re not

seeing if they’re dilated because the dilation of the eyes is irrelevant to

anything because that

actually probably if you’re holding the phone the wrong way it’s not going

to pick up that information

anyways but why do you need to know where the eyes are we need to know where

the eyes are so there are filter works if

they’re not being dilated because that’s

irrelevant to what we’re talking

about and their dilated and their data is stored on your local device and

deleted after use if you

use it for facial again we do not collect body face or voice data to

identify our users I love

when they start demanding yes or no questions yes or no questions are

awesome because usually the

question is not sincere or and then the answer cannot be new is more nuanced

than what they’re

expecting but they just want people to say yes or no because they know if

they force them to corner

it’s probably a yes but not really the way you think it is as was pointed

out by chairwoman

Rogers you have regular contact with Chinese Communist Party Secretary Mr.

Zhang Fouping who is

your boss at bite dance correct no so you can see uh Mr. Chu is now gotten

into sort of my like his

own now is what I am all the time she says this is your boss and he goes no

this is not true and her face

is just like blowing away she’s like how is how is that possible and they

they would they constantly

during this congressional here remind him about like perjury laws despite

the fact that he’s completely

aware and let’s face facts that’s probably not his boss no Mr. Chu does

TikTok access the home Wi-Fi

network okay so that’s to me one of the classic questions that demonstrates

what I’m talking about.

does TikTok access the home Wi-Fi network whereas any device you have you

choose whether or not it

connects to the home Wi-Fi network and if you connect to the home Wi-Fi

network it has access

to everything you give it access to TikTok by itself cannot access the home

Wi-Fi network without

the user saying or turning on the Wi-Fi or something like that this guy uh

Mr. Hudson from North Carolina

does not understand how home Wi-Fi networks work only if the user turns on

the Wi-Fi it’s the best answer

because he can’t answer that question if you connect it then it’s connected

yes but if it’s if you

don’t connect it then it’s not connected and I do like that Mr. Chu looks so

confused by the question

I think that’s actually where he goes next I’m sorry I mean I understand uh

so if I have

so yeah he’s like I actually don’t even understand your question because it

‘s so weirdly basic

TikTok app on my phone and my phone is on my home Wi-Fi network does TikTok

access that network

it will have to to get access the network to get connections to the Internet

if that’s the question

is it possible then that it could access

other devices on that home Wi-Fi network.

co-cogasman that we do not do anything that is beyond any industry norms um

I believe the answer to

your question is no it could be technical let me get back to you okay I’d

appreciate if you can answer that

so basically what he’s saying is I have to maybe take you to a class and and

teach you about the

fundamentals of how um Wi-Fi and devices work again because I I don’t know

like I okay I know how

Wi-Fi works it’s a magic beam in my house that connects to the Internet

which is another set of

magic beams uh it’s it’s one in the air and then my phone connects to that

magic beam and through

that magic beam I can get to the Internet uh that is my fundamental

knowledge but I do understand

that I have to tell it to connect to that A so that it can connect to B so I

can get my Booty shaking

picks that I’m looking for so desperately actually right behind my head on

the on the video it’s actually

two gigantic booties I’m actually really glad that my my little face cover

is covering up because

that would be weirdly embarrassing uh this is one of my favorite uh no no no

no no no no okay the

Internet Jay just put in the chat the Internet someone else’s computer

either connected to you but

with a magic beam were very very long very expensive ocean cable ocean

cables are also magic

because how did they get there I mean you

can’t put a cable on the bottom of the ocean

so how did it get there it was it was there god made ocean cables and we

just connected to them

that’s what happened anyways it’s it’s so this this first part of the clip I

‘ve actually played

previously it’s what he says after this

because he didn’t get the answer he wanted

because again he doesn’t understand uh what

he’s talking about we get to this point

I find that hard to believe it’s our

understanding that they’re looking at the eyes

so this is it he didn’t get the answer he

wanted so I’m he’s just gonna I disagree

it’s our understanding so he’s been told information he said I’ve been told

this I’m going to take

my information is true what you’re telling me now again perjury I’m not

going to accept that answer.

how do you determine what age they are then so now he’s switched topics this

is something that

happens in a lot of arguments not just necessarily congressional hearings

but a lot of arguments

where you’ve made a point that point has been proven incorrect so they

change what they’re talking about

and they make it seem like it’s sort of the same deal so they’re not

actually wrong we’re just shifting gears

we rely on age gating as our key age of share age gating which is when you

ask the user what

age they are we have also developed some tools where we look at the public

profile to go through the

videos that they post to see whether that’s creepy so he’s basically again

the congressman here

does not understand what age gating is so uh Mr. chew is quite generally

about to explain it to him

but basically you put stuff on a public profile we look at that public

profile and see if the age you

put into the app so I said them I told him I was 18 years old but my

pictures are only 12 then they

can actually say maybe that user lied about their age so they’re actually

this is a safety measure

that tick-tock the company is put into place trying to make sure that young

people are not using the app

incorrectly let’s say or posting or seeing content they’re not supposed to

see but the guy because

he said we look at people’s faces he throws out that’s creepy to throw that

sort of tinge of color on

the answer tell me more about that it’s public so if you post a video that

you choose that video to go

public that’s how you get people to see a video we look at those to see if

you it matches of the age

that you talk to that that is the end of that it is a pretty simple

conclusion and I think it’s

self-evident to be to say that the problem with congressional hearings on

technology is the fact

that none of these people understand technology the problem with politicians

in general as the politicians

cannot understand the nature of every industry there is supposed to govern

and that is problematic

in that they are often talking about things they don’t understand

oh Dave Dave look at look at the okay you cannot have simply for Dave the

heart wipe is pretty good

though yeah look at this I found that the other day I was going through some

of my settings I really

enjoyed the heart wipe uh the Dave he got a walk this morning as soon as I

finished the podcast I’m

going to take him for a second walk uh and then I’m sorry this dog has one

of the best lives I know of he

he gets up he walks he has breakfast he sleeps he walks he sleeps he walks

he has dinner and he sleeps

he’s a pretty happy animal but okay what

was I saying now there’s way more important.

so it actually calls into question politics not just politicians but

politics in general

should people who don’t understand a subject be in charge of the subject so

should I if I become

a politician be in charge of economics when I don’t really understand

economics other than the

most fundamentals should I be in charge of technology or making rules about

the Internet when I

don’t honestly understand the Internet I clearly with my incredibly shallow

knowledge of technology

because I do enjoy technology I play games I stream I have a lot of devises

I like make this podcast

and it’s it’s all bits but if you actually ask if you actually ask me how

any of this truly functions

it how does my voice go into the microphone into the computer through twitch

onto the stream and

out into the world I mean it’s magic electricity I have no clue should I be

regulating that I actually

don’t believe I should be should I be in charge of economics and the world

bank absolutely not

because I don’t understand anything about it and that to me maybe is one of

the fundamental

flaws is we keep voting in people who are politicians to be in charge of

things that they don’t understand.

I am talking about a gigantic shift in just how everything should work and

basically we would need

not just technology people because technology people might not be the best

people to be in charge

of technology we need altruistic technology people to govern technology we

need altruistic economics

people to be in charge of economics those kind of things we would need altru

istic border patrol people

to be in charge of the borders and I think that maybe is where it all falls

apart because politicians

by their very nature are not altruistic certainly I can be bought and sold I

keep putting it out there

Doritos you want a sponsor the podcast I am absolutely available it’s not

going to say you very

much money considering how big your empire is so like let’s get corrupt and

yeah Magnus how do they work (upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

Talk Funny Podcast

[Music]

Okay, comedy. Do you like comedy? No. No, me neither. End of podcast. Yeah,

thanks guys. Bye.

Like and subscribe. So perfect example of British comedy right there.

Actually pretty good.

So I want to tell you a joke that I learned in Korea and it was illustrative

. Illustrative? Illustrative.

Illustrative. Illustrates. It’s I don’t know how to say the word that is in

my head. It’s a real word.

Illustrates. Illustrative. No. Illustrates. Yeah. What are you talking about

? No, there’s another way. There’s like a fancier way to say it.

This is a high class podcast man. All right, we got to use the word. We got

to use the three dollar words man.

So illustrative. Illustrative. Illustrative. No, illustrative makes it

sounds like it’s shiny. Yeah, it is shiny. This joke is shiny.

So I was I lived in Korea and they told me a joke and the joke made no sense

to me until a year after I left I talked to a Korean friend and I asked them

about this joke and they’re like, oh that’s a really famous joke and it’s

really funny.

So the joke is there’s a father and a son walking on a mountain side and the

father’s walking ahead and the son’s about you know 10 feet behind.

And they’re going to take their wares to the town to sell them and up on a

cliff there’s a giant Boulder. The giant Boulder gets shaken loose and rolls

down the side of the mountain and crushes the old man flat. He’s dead.

Guts everywhere. It’s horrendous and

then the Boulder continues on and rolls.

all the way down the hill. The rest of the hilarious. Nice. Well done.

No, the punchline. Oh, sorry. The son says. Dad look out. Oh, that’s it. And

then like in then Korean people thought that was really funny.

Now I learned like a year later. So I heard that joke. I was like, I don’t

get it. There’s something missing.

These people came from this town where they are famous for speaking slowly.

So it was like the massive pause was part

of the joke. But that to me was very clear.

It illustrates that culture and context make humor. So the instant you’re

outside of that, things that other people are just losing their minds on you

like I don’t to get it.

No, yeah, shed experience, culture norms. So if you ever had a similar

experience or like because we talked before about not on the podcast we’ve

talked before about when you meet someone who just doesn’t get jokes.

Like they don’t seem to have a sense of humor. Like there’s lots of stuff

that maybe I don’t find funny, but I get it to joke and I get there.

Maybe there’s stuff that’s technically funny, but I don’t laugh because I

don’t find it funny. But I wouldn’t be like that’s not funny. I’d be like

that’s not funny to me.

Not funny to me, but I’ve met a few people who just don’t seem to get any

jokes. Like you make a joke and they just look at you.

And then some people will analyze the other girl like that doesn’t make

sense. Yeah, like something meant to.

I tell you it’s so weird to me because I’m always looking to laugh. It’s

weird to me that that’s someone’s life. Yeah. Wow, how depressing.

It is to us, but to them it’s fine. Like they just, they don’t, that’s it.

They just live without humor and that’s how they live.

Yeah, I know. I can’t, I can’t actually can’t think of anyone really that I.

‘ve met that didn’t have at least a sense of humor. Even if it’s one that I

didn’t understand.

Yeah, one that I didn’t get. That’s fine. I understand that. There was one

time someone came at me because I post a lot of stuff on the Internet.

So sooner or later people try to like take shots at you and it was I made a

joke and it was sort of on the border of being dirty and gross.

And they came at me and they were like, so the story was like it’s the in

Japanese high schools part of the dress

code is you have to wear white underwear.

But that ignores the fact that that means sooner or later someone has to

check the color of the underwear. Yeah. And so the joke is that you know

gross pervy men they want to get in this job so they can check underwear.

So essentially it was a story and then exaggerated premise as the joke. So.

what is the worst extreme you could take the situation to and that that

exaggeration is supposed to be the humor.

And I get that that’s not for everyone. And I think this person came at me

like is that your solution? I was like no, that’s a joke. And then they kind

of like repeated they came at it again.

I was like do you understand the joke?

It’s like I understand the joke. It was very simple. But that’s not a good

solution. And I was like well actually your statements right now just

contradict each other because it’s not a solution.

The solution was about two minutes prior to this. Yeah, this was a joke. And

then they kept saying like they get it

to joke but then they could talk about it.

I was really tempted to keep this going and go like can you explain the joke

to me so that I actually believe you but then I just gave up.

Yeah, because they were actually that they do not get it. They were not

going to get it at any time soon.

Yeah, but that’s interesting again because that is a type of humor that I.

find fascinating and like very funny where you insert absurdity into a

situation to laugh about it.

Yeah, to me it’s the more serious the thing you extrapolate the more egreg.

ious example is funny.

Yeah, it’s funny because it’s absurd but it’s also funny because you can.

imagine that maybe somebody out there

is thinking that and that is also funny.

Well, in the news, Japan a lot of it is based on creepy dudes. There’s a lot

of creepy dude stories and that’s the stuff it’s fun to talk about but it’s

fun to talk about because it’s like how do these guys navigate society?

Yeah, how do they get to this world where but then they do they end up in

these jobs like they’re like oh you have

to check girls underwear. I want that job.

Yeah, like even if it’s like a fringe thing that they do every now and then

that’s like the whole purpose, the whole reason that they got there.

Yeah, and it’s like what how does that drive you mad? And that’s funny

because it’s not normal.

Yeah, and the thing I think it’s funny because they’re dead serious and

everyone else would be like that is a ridiculous idea.

Yeah, but that’s not really comedy.

That’s just an example of humor.

Yeah, talking of like stuff that I never really got like when I moved lived

around the world a lot moved.

I was too young and I didn’t really experience like jokes in those cultures

because I was living with like other forces kids so it was mostly English.

But since living in Japan I’ve definitely

bumped up against not getting humor.

So to describe Japanese humor, I say like they still do the duo team like

they have the straight guy and the guy who makes the jokes and then they

slap his head.

Which I’ve always hated. I don’t understand that.

And then that to me has an old almost 1950s feeling to it.

These duo groups.

And the other to me primary form of humor in Japan is repetition.

So they’ll say one thing funny, it becomes a catch phrase and that’s all

they do for an entire year to the point where everyone hates it.

There is a lot of catch phrasing in Japanese humor.

I cannot stand it.

Yeah, there’s a lot of…

And it’s also very child, they do a lot of like child, if you were?

Yeah, it’s kind of like a very physical humor kind of gross like people call

it toilet humor.

The stuff that’s on TV, like comedians

and stuff, I just don’t find funny at all.

So I find it a bit.

Like because I have no problem with like toilet humor but I just don’t find

their brand of it interesting or engaging.

Yeah, so it’s just very crude, it’s stuff about weight.

There’s lots of like physical appearance stuff.

Lots of body shaming stuff.

So we both teach classes, we both teach English classes and then I have

found that if I want to make my Japanese students laugh, I make a joke about

my receding hairline.

Yeah.

Anything body shaming oriented is really funny.

So overweight is funny, two skinnies funny, losing your hair is funny, kind

of being ugly is funny.

Funny, yep.

And so they… that again, it all feels

very old to me, like it hasn’t developed.

Which is in line with my thinking about like Japanese music is still stuck

in the 60s or 70s.

Their pop music is just not progressed beyond… I would actually, I guess,

the 80s is where they were stuck.

If you have a song from 1980 in a song that was on the radio yesterday is

brand new, it would sound exactly the same to me.

But when it comes to like person to person and like general life, there’s

actually a lot of funny stuff in Japan.

Like I love the Oyaji Gagu, but they’re just puns, they’re that jokes.

Yep, like what we call, and they are pretty funny, like word play.

Word play is good in Japanese.

It’s really good.

And they can do a lot of it.

Yeah.

And then there’s a thing, I don’t know if you know it, Daku-Go.

No, I have to explain it for the audience anyways, even if I did.

I actually don’t.

I probably have heard of it, but I don’t realize it.

But we have to explain everything just to be safe.

It’s just a tradition in Japan, telling long, comical stories that have like

foolish characters and like, like, they make social faux pas.

They’re actually kind of funny.

But that kind of stuff isn’t like the modern media.

It’s not there, like they’re just more like traditional, like, you go and

see someone in a small town hall, like they don’t put it in.

Yeah, they do have like hotels and stuff.

Yeah.

My wife watches, or she used to, I actually hasn’t watched it recently, but

they do do this like essentially comedy competition.

They get like two or three comedians on, and they have categories.

They have like, “Mine, so do it without seeing any words.”

They have like improv skits and stuff.

And you had to make X amount of audience members laugh to succeed.

And they would focus the camera on one person.

If you make that one person laugh, you get like a point or you win.

Yeah.

They fail so often.

Yeah.

And my wife, I don’t think I, she watched it every week for a couple months

at least, or maybe a couple of years.

I don’t think I ever saw her laugh once.

And I was like, “Is this funny? Like, I

don’t get it, so I don’t want to judge.”

But you’re not laughing.

She goes, “Yeah, most of this is not very funny.”.

And it’s because they’re asking people to do it on the fly.

And then, if you’re a funny person, you should be able to do it.

It should be.

Because I agree with you.

When they do stories, when they talk about just daily life stories,

it’s sometimes really, really funny.

Because they’re so concerned in Japan about

etiquette and social full pause and stuff.

And they get into situations, usually trying to do something so they don’t

get in trouble.

They get more trouble. It’s a pretty common story.

Doing something trying to not embarrass yourself and therefore embarrassing

yourself more happens a lot.

Those storytellers are good.

Yeah.

But funny.

Yeah, really, really funny.

The puns, the puns are great.

I find those really, really fun.

But just the stuff on TV and like the stuff that people see, like in the

world, from a Japanese humor, I’m like, “Oh, it’s so poor.”

Some of it is because when they do weird stuff, and people find it really

funny, that usually gets like viral on the Internet.

People will talk to me, “Oh, Japan’s so weird and funny.”

And I’m like, “Well, actually, it’s weird and funny in Japan too.”.

Like, it comes from here, but it is weird.

And Japanese people, it’s not like they think this is normal humor.

They think it’s weird too. That’s why it’s funny.

All right, so you okay?

But overall, Western humor, again, I kind of had this conversation with my

wife, so it was interesting because she was like, “What do you like?”

Because I watch a lot of comedy on the Internet.

And I’m like, “To me, peak comedy is now storytelling. That’s funny.”

And so it loops back and it has callbacks and it has things, but it’s like a

five-ten-minute story that takes you on this little journey.

It’s not jokes anymore.

I actually think modern comedy actually

isn’t jokes as much as it used to be .

See, for me, that’s an American, like an North American comedy style.

Because Jimmy Cot.

He’s not. He’s like spit-balling.

Yeah, I don’t find him funny unless he’s talking to people.

Yeah. So when he does a comedy special, I’ll watch it and be like, “Oh, it’s

just one-liner.”

And it doesn’t do it for me.

But that’s what I can watch it once and laugh my ass off.

And then I’ll never watch it again.

And then the second, third time, I see it coming, so it’s like, “Yeah, it’s

non-has funny.”.

Because to me, Eddie Isard put on some of the bass comedy shows.

He tells full stories and then comes back and drops things back in.

And I can’t remember his name.

There’s this one comedian from England and he just…

He will literally tell a 20-minute long story.

And then it just altifies him.

It’s not Ross Noble, is it?

He does that shit. He’ll tell a story

and it basically starts at the beginning.

And he finishes the show with the end of it.

And everything in between is just him getting sidetracked.

Seems like tangents, even though it’s probably out of planned out.

Now, I watched a couple of…

He talks about the craft of comedy a lot.

And there was one and he was talking about someone eating and going,

and he did it for way too long.

It’s one of those things where it’s funny, it’s not funny, but it’s going to

be funny again.

But then he stopped and goes, “He looks at someone in the audience, he goes,

“Every time you look at your watch, I start again.”.

And then he kept going.

So he was literally at that point making fun of one guy in the audience.

And that’s actually next level stuff.

Yeah.

I guess I don’t know.

So what do you think about British comedy?

What do you think if you’re going to kind of define it?

I don’t know.

I think there’s a lot of self-degradation.

Yes.

The “butt” the joke is usually the person telling the joke.

But there’s also a lot of…

I don’t know.

We all like to pull each other down, but in a friendly, fun way.

That’s why heckling is such a big thing in the UK.

When people want comedians to rip them.

Yeah, because they think it’s funny.

They think it’s funny.

“Take the piss out of me, man.”

Yeah.

So funny.

Because Jimmy Carls, essentially, that’s part of his show.

Yeah, he just plays the floor.

Everyone tried to shout something and I’ll rip it.

Yeah.

So there’s a lot of that.

There’s a lot of like… denigrating each other.

I don’t know.

Denigrating is the wrong word.

Well, putting yourself down.

Self-denigrating.

Yeah.

And then I find a lot of satire, irony and sarcasm.

Those are very British traits, I think.

Like satire…

For me, there’s always been in the UK.

But I feel like it’s the last decade or so

in America that started to take off more.

But I don’t personally know, because I never really watched American TV

comedy and stuff like Daily Show.

Like this week tonight or whatever.

Last week, this… Is it the day you did?

Last week tonight, yeah.

Then I was like, most of them are hosted by Brits or Brits adjacent people.

Yeah.

Trevor Noah is not British, but he was

clearly spent so much time in England .

He had basically a British accent at times.

The guy I was thinking about, I just looked it up.

It’s stewardly.

For example.

That’s how you know we’re heading into

a fairly tight-y written bit, isn’t it?

Use of the phrase, for example, that’s the giveaway there.

Anyway.

For example, what?

Something you’ve written?

Yes.

So… Anyway.

So, for example, I know it seems to contrived now, doesn’t it?

For example.

What?

You know, anyway.

For example.

Yeah, he says that.

It’s like, you dad, isn’t it?

For example.

Put that over there.

Anyway.

Stuart Lee is… Yeah, he’s really dark.

I love him.

Yeah.

But he does.

Yeah.

He’s like, “I love him.”

Yeah.

He’s like, “I love him.”

Yeah.

He’s really dark.

I love him.

Yeah.

But he does, he does like, full on 10, 15-minute stories with jokes in them.

And I really enjoy that.

It’s funny, because his start was just a sketch show on TV.

Like, the… The… Oh, he was his partner.

But I remember them.

They had some real, like, when I was like a kid.

They had this really weird TV show, and there was a lot of like, catch

phrases and stuff in there.

I guess only ran for a couple of seasons.

So, who is your favourite British comedian, man?

Bill Bailey’s up there.

The… The minor key?

Scales.

The… The building blocks of music.

The minor scales, much more evocative.

The beautiful melodic minor.

The hopeful accent.

The depressing decent.

Things are looking happy and joyful.

No, they’re not there to praise again, please.

It’s a harmonic minor with that little Indian ragga at the end.

It’s impossible to play that without playing this.

Bill Bailey’s good.

Sean Locke.

Yeah, Sean Locke.

I… I don’t really like his stand-up.

Yeah.

I like him on TV.

Him talking was way funnier than any stand-up he ever did.

Do you in skiing gear?

So, I’ve got a beard and a Viking horns.

And this is kind of my look.

So much more comfortable.

And it’s warm.

And you just don’t have to have that awkward social, is that you?

Is it not?

How’s Jimmy?

That kind of thing.

That’s a challenging wank.

I think so too.

And so he was clearly just always funny.

But it’s almost like when he organized it, it was less.

Yeah.

His stand-up was planned out as I was like, no, knowing that he’s saying

stuff on the fly in the moment and it’s so funny.

To me, it was impressive.

It was so much better.

Yeah, no, I love him.

Like I said, Jay must be rectum of the year.

Not really, yeah.

No, no, it’s different.

This is rear of the air with the gloves off.

I knew I’d run when I heard three of the judges throwing up behind me.

I thought, I’ve got this in the bag.

Sure.

I’ve been… Sure.

A big phone call.

There it is.

Let me tell you, hers is pretty messed up.

I’m speaking.

I mean, of course.

That got me through to the world.

So, I got to the… Went to the world finals in Cancun.

Cancun?

I thought I was going to win.

I thought I was going to win this.

And then, Jay, go Maradona beat me.

We need to bend over, set the sprinkers off.

There’s a lot, though, I like, for different reasons.

I like Simon Anstel.

He used to host Nevermind the Buzzcocks

and he was, like, bitingly sarcastic .

Like, hammer to the face sarcastic.

Like, he had people walk off the show.

I think I’ve seen clips on the Internet.

I think he had a guy in his show and then the…

That guy’s ex-girlfriend wrote a book.

And he started reading, like, bits of the book to him.

But it was so sarcastic away.

Well, because, of course, she was like a… Like a model.

So, she’s lazy, yes.

Even the book is bad as it was, was

probably ghost-written and it was still bad.

The parents’ Hilton work was a low point for me.

It wasn’t what I wanted to be doing.

And on top of that, it caused me some real problems with my hair.

[Laughter]

What?

So good.

Haven’t you read it?

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you.

[Applause]

The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail,

which made me feel really posh and upmarket.

Are you going to see it like I’m… What?

Oh, no, pressing.

No, seriously, I don’t.

Press, we’re having fun!

Come on, press, don’t.

Oh, no, we can’t lose press, don’t.

Yeah.

I know.

And the dude who walked off wasn’t particularly smart, I don’t think.

No, it was clear that he almost wanted him to leave the shot.

And I like the absurdist stuff.

I really enjoy the mighty bush and the…

Like, Vick and Bob, but as the older they got…

Like Reeves and Mortimer, they got less funny.

I think they just had to force it more.

That’s another thing with humor, right?

You can’t force it.

Yeah, and you also have to want to do it.

I bet comedians at times, it’s like this is a job now.

And then there’s also the problem with getting rich.

Is you kind of get weirdly out of touch.

Yeah, same with actually, that’s really similar with music, I find.

When they start and they young and passionate and they’ve got a fire.

And then they start making money.

Well, that’s essentially what happened to George Lucas.

Because he made Star Wars and he got super famous in everything he’s genius.

And then he made the prequels and there’s like, what is this?

And I thought it was interesting because I saw a documentary.

And it was showing them making the original Star Wars.

And they got models and they’re running

cameras and they’re in the desert and stuff.

Like, it was hard.

And then they showed him making the prequels the first one.

And he’s sitting in a chair in front of a giant green screen drinking.

He’s fat and he’s drinking Starbucks.

Yeah, being fined by naked Swedish models.

Yeah, but it’s just like at this point, he’s not.

The passion that was in that first project is not in this project.

It was interesting.

Who’s your favorite British comedian?

Oh, Sean Locke.

I could watch him talk to anyone about anything for hours.

And when he died and the compilation videos

came out, I watched the whole of them.

And the comedians would talk about their favorite moment.

He was clearly a comedian’s comedian.

A comedian.

Which is weird because I’ve heard that a couple of times.

There’s like musicians.

It’s a musician who musicians like but normal people don’t as much.

And then there’s comedians that comedians love but everyone else is like, oh

yeah, it’s funny.

But it’s like, we as just normal people, civilians are missing something

that comedians who do this for a living get.

And it was a…

Yeah, I think Katz, when Sean would go

and everyone was just crying on the panel.

Yeah.

And he just doesn’t stop.

Jimmy Carr was talking about him after he died and he was talking about like

how it was just constant and it was relentless.

And he was like, if he had an idea, he would go.

And then one of the ones that revealed to me is it was one of these panel

shows and he’s got a partner.

And then his partner starts laughing really hard and then Jimmy Carr goes

like, what are you doing?

And he goes, well, I can’t sit next to Sean.

And he goes, why?

And he leaned over and he goes, you know, Hitler wasn’t all bad.

And he’s like just to make this guy not be able to concentrate on what he’s

supposed to doing.

On to our first numbers round.

Okay, John and Sarah go to pick the numbers.

Sean, Miles.

Sean and Miles, I wouldn’t say it again.

Fingers on lips.

Hands on heads.

Pay attention, it’s the numbers round.

Yeah, ready. I’m ready.

What are you ready?

No.

He’d brought up Hitler.

He was whispering to me about Hitler.

Why was he whispering to you about Hitler?

He said, I don’t know about you, Miles, I’m on the fence.

I’m not saying it.

What is wrong?

I don’t know if it’s him, no, Sean.

I’m afraid I’d just Swiss during the second round walk, okay?

I could see the good side and the bad side.

I’m gonna say neutral.

Okay, on to our first number.

Oh no.

It’s so good.

There’s another dude who I could just sit and listen to his Richard Ayawati.

Yeah, he’s amazing.

It’s funny because in the IT crowd, he’s fine.

It’s just like a comedy show.

It’s like an mediocre.

But then when he talks about anything, it’s amazing.

And then he just sand pouring from his mouth.

It’s so dry.

And he did an interview on the BBC about, I think he had a book come out.

The guy started asking me these questions and he goes, this isn’t real.

This doesn’t matter.

And he just started deconstructing the interview.

So this is an advertisement.

So, you know, these heavy questions are irrelevant.

Like you just started like destroying what the guy was putting out there.

In a way, the books are comic book about film really.

It’s not a deconstruction of the idea of interviews, particularly.

Hopefully it’s a container for jokes that is themed around film.

So it’s not about Richard Ayawati at all?

No.

Any more than the most story by Woody Allen

is about his grappling with Wild land.

And he’s like making it almost impossible to interview, which was awesome.

I think I’ve seen that.

Yeah, that was good.

Now he’s fascinating, man.

Because he holds it together so well.

Yeah, he never breaks.

He never seems to.

Yeah, I bet making him laugh is really satisfying.

Because just people who don’t laugh.

If you can make them laugh, it’s just better.

Because I was watching some interview show probably like Conan or something.

And it was a comedian who worked with Ice Cube.

He’s like, Ice Cube never breaks.

He’s always just like at that dead scowly face on.

And he goes, “If the day you make him…”

And he would come in every day and say, “I just want to make him laugh once,

just once.”

And that was like his goal.

And he’s like, “If you can make him smile, it’s like your whole day.”

Yeah, he’s awesome.

All right, well then let’s move across the pond.

Yes.

North America.

It’s harder.

It’s so much harder.

I actually have more favorite British comedians than American ones.

There’s always American stuff I like, something they’ve done, but I don’t

like everything.

Yeah.

So probably the most famous comedian right now is Dave Chappelle.

He has bits, jokes, and stories I like, but actually often his whole thing.

Now, I actually like him less than I used to.

I think he’s kind of lost touch in a weird way.

He used to be funnier to me.

I don’t know if I’ve changed or he’s

changed, but he has gotten like wicked rich.

Yeah.

No, yeah, definitely.

I find him interesting.

I like the way he does tell stories as well.

But Bill Burr is probably the most

legendary American comedian at the moment .

Yeah.

Yeah, and I don’t think, even if I disagree

with what he says, I still it’s still funny.

He just has this angry, mad delivery that is captivating at times, but can

be a bit too much as well at times.

Yes.

You’re like, “Oh, stop shouting.”

But what he does though is he tries to push everything to this edge where

the audience is uncomfortable, and then he somehow still brings it back.

Like, Dave Chappelle has people who hate him.

Bill Burr actually doesn’t seem to have that.

No, I think you’re right.

Like, yeah.

People hate Chappelle, but people go, “No, Bill Burr is.”.

He just says things, and then I don’t know how he does it.

Dude, there is an epidemic of gold dig and whores in this country.

And every night I put on the news, and I wait for someone to address it.

Every night, you never see it.

You know?

Every night I bring up gold dig and whores, and the whole crowd pulls back,

like I’m up here talking about Bigfoot.

Right?

Like I’m saying, the moons made out of cheese or something.

Talking about whores, people.

They’re everywhere.

How many?

How many more great men are going to get

chopped and half before we do something?

Why is it so quiet in here?

Well, he goes. He goes. He goes. He goes.

And then he’ll either turn around and come back, or he’ll come at it from a

different angle and show you the exact same story or something.

And he’s like, there’s always like two, three ways to say it.

I watched an interview with him, and he said like one of the most concerning

things is when he comes out of a club or something.

And somebody goes, “You know, you think

it, I think it, but you say it out loud.”

And he’s like, “Oh, that guy doesn’t get it.”

He thinks like all this, like I hate women stuff is serious, and he thinks,

“Yeah, that’s not a guy I want to be.”

Because so he knows it’s a show, whereas some of his audience maybe doesn’t.

It’s the problem.

It’s hard, isn’t it?

It’s comedy.

Well, it’s hard because you’re supposed

to be pushing boundaries, but modern.

society is in a place where pushing boundaries is wrong.

So like you can’t make fun of pronouns, you can’t make fun of stuff because

it’s really important to social issues.

It’s like, “But that’s the stuff you should be making fun of.”

And then like that’s on the liberal side, and then on the conservative side

you should be making fun of them.

And like it should be both sides.

Yeah, because comedy is a great way to process stuff with e-links.

Because what are terms with things?

Yeah, Tim Jeffries.

Jim Jeffries.

Jim Jeffries. There you go. Jim Jeffries is correct.

Yeah, Jim Jeffries, I saw him in Tokyo.

How did you?

Yeah, I paid like $500 or $600.

I got a ticket, and I had to buy the shinkansen and stuff, and I went and

did a day trip out there.

It was awesome. He was awesome.

It was the audience was all disgusting.

I hated everyone in the audience.

It was all these foreign people, and they were all doing their best to drink

as much as possible in public right before the show,

and then sneak alcohol in.

And it was just disgusting.

It was the worst of Western behavior.

Maybe I’ve been in Japan too long.

I was just looking at him going, “You shouldn’t be doing that.”

You should pick up your bottle.

If you’re going to drink, you should at least carry your cans up.

But they were all putting them on the floor and just walking out.

And there was a lady, two rows of infirmity, who would not shut up.

I almost threw something out.

But his show was good.

His show was good.

And he’s one of those guys.

He just pushes boundaries as much as possible.

So maybe that’s what I like.

I like people who are like pushing.

Yeah, it’s interesting to see how far people will go.

Because I wouldn’t be that brave yet.

I don’t have enough money.

You have to be financially secured to really push boundaries.

Really push boundaries.

I remember with Jimmy Kars’ new show came out and he went,

“This is the one that’s going to get me canceled.”

And it’s like, “But why do you care? You’re rolling it.”

That dude, isn’t he?

Yeah, how much money?

Because he had, if you looked at British, he was like,

“Have five or six shows he was hosting?”

Yeah.

He was getting a ton of money for that.

He wasn’t paying any taxes on it.

Yeah.

I’ve never been to a live comedy show.

I’ve only been to a few.

Because there’s no, being in Japan for so long, there’s no comedy clubs.

I did five minutes of stand up at an open mic night once.

Did you?

Yeah, it was funny.

Not good, funny.

It was funny for you, not for everyone watching.

Actually, no, I got a fairly positive response.

I’m not going to say it was like, “obrurious.”

But I have a friend who, his whole deal is like,

“Let’s find what you’re uncomfortable with and make you do it.”

And I went back to visit Canada and we were in Vancouver

and he’s like, “You do this stupid podcast.

Why don’t you go up and do five minutes of just your podcast material

and see if anyone laughs.”

And I was like, “Okay.”

So I took the Hulk stuff and I tried to make a five minute set out of it.

And then I was sitting at the bar and so nervous.

Like, this was terrifying.

I’d never done anything like this before.

And there’s a guy who is talking to me.

He’s being really friendly and polite.

So I’m talking to him.

He’s like, “He’s going up after me.”.

And he, I realized about halfway through,

he’s trying to undermine my confidence.

He started like, “Oh yeah, man.

Everyone bombs the first time and you’ll get past it.”

And I was like, “I haven’t bombed yet, so maybe that’s not right.”

So then I did, I don’t know.

My friend said that it was a very Peter thing to do.

I just threw out all the material I prepared,

walked up and started making fun of that guy.

So I was like, “Hey, I was just sitting down there and that guy just said

this and this and this.”

And he basically just said like, “He’s an asshole and stuff.”

And everyone actually found that really funny.

I didn’t get massive applause or anything,

but there was only like 20 people in the club.

So I do my fail five minutes come down.

He comes up after me.

He goes, “That guy is a bit of an asshole.”

And then this dude in the audience goes, “Nah, he seems all right.”.

So I was like, “Oh, I kind of won that one.”

I mean, I didn’t, again, my comedy career didn’t take off,

but at least I beat one guy.

Yeah.

Got it, yeah.

But that was, yeah, that was the,

I was so angry when I realized what he was doing to me.

Because it was just such a shit thing to do.

Like he wanted me to– I don’t think that, like, “Oh, I don’t worry.

Everyone fucks up the first time.”

It’s like reassuring.

And it’s like– No, you’re saying.

Yeah, you’re saying.

Like I’m talking about– Yeah, if you fucked up.

Yeah.

If you actually went up and you bombed,

which honestly with the Hulk material was very likely.

Because these weren’t, these were like bits that I thought were funny

that I’ve tried to craft into jokes.

And I’ve never written a joke before.

So probably if I’d gone with my original thing, I would have bombed.

But because this guy set me off, I just shit

on that guy, which I was pretty good at.

And since that felt more natural and in the moment,

everyone else was laughing along with me.

And I think that’s real key to humor as well, right?

Yeah.

Again, it just coming naturally.

Because I do– You would have forced that Hulk stuff,

and everyone would have gone, “Oh, well,

maybe I probably would have gone, “I get it.”

They wouldn’t have laughed.

Like I get where the joke is.

He just hasn’t done it yet.

He hasn’t made enough jokes in his life to make that a joke.

But I get that the premise is solid.

Like I think everyone would have been like,

“That’s a good idea.

I don’t think anyone would have laughed.”

But yeah, like we do–

In our company, we do the annual meetings.

It’s like 100 people, and I got to go up and say stuff in front of them.

And a couple of times people have heckled me.

Like said stuff, and I just tear them apart.

And it’s just because I’m not going to look bad here.

I got my bosses, I got my co-workers, I

got all the other people who work with us.

I can’t let you make me look bad right now.

And then I’m like, the problem is not going

too far, so that I become the bad guy.

Yeah.

Do you think humor is appropriate in almost any situation?

Well, it depends on the type of humor.

Let’s separate that personally.

Yeah, it can be.

I think you can make a joke anytime anywhere,

but it has to be appropriate to this.

Like you have to know the other people,

you have to know what they find funny.

So like if I’m making a joke at work in front of 100 people,

it’s got to be pretty innocent, to be honest,

they can’t because there’s 99 people could be offended.

Yeah, no.

I can innocent joke in a work situation.

Yeah.

But like would you laugh?

Like I don’t know, like if someone in my family died,

and they were at the funeral,

100% it.

I would make a joke because I knew that that would be the right thing to do.

Yes, like yes.

Because I would…

I would absolutely hope that in my funeral people were making jokes.

Yeah.

And I think everyone who would maybe attend

would know that that, I would feel that that was appropriate

and the best thing to do.

One of my podcasts was about eulogizing everyone I know.

Yeah.

And I was like the closer you are,

the more you like someone, the easier it is to write their eulogy.

Because you have things instantly that you would love to say

to share with everyone else.

And then some were not, again, comedy,

but it was borderline amusing or it was good stories or stuff.

The goal would be like, here are all the positive, funny memories we had.

We can laugh at them together.

Yeah.

And then like other people it was really, really hard

because all I had was like, they were a kind person.

And like even saying it, like you just

like, I clearly don’t even believe that.

Yeah.

So I think, yeah, if you… It’s rapid

water, but you can navigate it for sure.

And come through unscathed.

I would much rather be surrounded by people who would prefer to be commemor.

ated in comedy rather than teased.

100%.

I don’t want people sad at my thing.

I just want them to sit down and have to watch every podcast I’ve ever read.

Like, ah, God thinking about it.

The stuff I would do, well this is 10 weird.

If I was like, I’m going to die soon.

I would start taking really weird portraits to have like, like, on around,

like with me, like doing stupid shit.

Or like, I don’t know, like pencils, up my nose or whatever.

Oh, they have a couple of websites where you set a picture of your dog and

they put your dog in like a Renaissance picture.

Yeah, I’ve seen those.

Yeah, I actually wanted to get one of those of Dave, but I was like,

actually me and a military uniform, you really funny.

And have that as, because you know in

Japan, they have the big shrine like thing.

And they put a picture up there and I don’t have it.

It’s a really dead serious picture.

I’m like, where do they get those?

Yeah.

Like, how did they take that picture?

So I was like, ah, actually, I could, if

I made the picture in advance of me .

I’m just in a lobster outfit.

Oh, I was thinking in general’s uniform, like, look really like I had been

in like an Napoleonic war.

And something like that.

And everyone would look at it and like, you know they could end up in the

100%.

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

And realistically, no one would really say anything, but everyone would be

like, ah, fuck, he did that on purpose.

Like, everyone would know he did that.

And I think I would think that was funny.

Yeah.

Doing stuff on purpose that other people can’t laugh at in the moments,

pretty funny to me.

It’s really funny.

And I make a lot of jokes that other people don’t get because it’s a

reference, it’s actually a reference for myself or something.

Or like, I’ll make a joke in a group that only one person will get.

And to me, that’s almost funnier because they laugh and that’s it.

Yeah, I never know what I was saying.

Like, what?

That doesn’t make sense.

So, I guess inside jokes, but that’s the nature of inside jokes is just

showing sort of your, your together.

Your relationship.

Yeah.

All right, so, what we talked about like Japan and like Asia and UK and

America, like the separation of comedy.

But what do you think connects comedy?

What do you think the things that connect all comedy are?

Do you think that is anything?

Yes.

Because we’re all humans.

Yeah.

Fundamental desire to do something right and failing is universal.

So I think every joke, like universally, if you’re going to do universal

jokes that everyone could get,

it’d be like, I tried really hard and failed is universally pretty funny.

Especially if you, or like, I did it wrong.

Whatever I was supposed to do, I just did it wrong and through my own inept

itude or I was an idiot jokes, are you pretty universal?

Yeah.

And then, yeah, because every culture has you make funnier friends, but you

‘re making funnier friends, quirks or foibles and stuff.

So, that kind of all works out.

So the other one for me is, is language.

Whilst we might not understand jokes from other languages, the fact that

language is something that people find humor in,

like subvert and get and switching, like meanings.

So I know one Japanese jokes that translates to English perfectly.

So it makes the same amount of sense in English and Japanese. It’s kind of a

kid’s joke.

So it’s a mother and a child are on the train and the door is closed and the

child looks at the mom and says,

“Mom, I have to pee.” She goes, “Why didn’t you tell me faster?” And he.

looks at her and goes, “Mom, I have to pee.”.

I’m going to have to pee.

And you can do that in Japanese.

And it’s the exact same joke and it makes the exact…

Yeah, so it was like, “Hi, kuyute.” So

it’s like, you should have said it faster.

And then the kid, then you just say the last line faster.

And it’s…

Let’s push that.

The exact same joke and it’s just as funny. Like, it’s not an awesome joke,

but the fact that it 100% translates.

I was like, “Ah, I bet you could do that joke in a lot of languages.”.

Yeah.

No, that’s true.

Yeah, like that, like…

I think that’s another thing with humor,

right? It’s subverting expectations .

Because everyone’s like, “Ah, you should have told me faster.”

Yeah.

And then the kid just says it faster.

And that’s not what people were expecting, right?

I think that’s pretty universal in all humor too.

This is that you have to subvert an expectation somehow.

Like the Korean joke you told earlier.

Yeah.

Everyone’s expecting you to care about your father being crushed by a rock.

Yeah.

Just says, “Watch out.”

Dad, watch out.

You have to say that part really slowly as well.

Dad.

Watch out.

I guess just dunking on other people is kind of universal to them.

Yeah, but it’s a Korean joke.

And I know like people do that in Japan.

They dunk on people from other parts of the country, right?

But it’s also punching up and down is also universal that I’ve seen.

So like, you can make fun of people who are on higher positions and stuff

and it’s okay.

If you are bullying or punching down on people, most cultures that I’ve…

How many of my experience actually not that many?

But it’s frowned upon.

Like it’s not only bullies find bully jokes funny,

but everyone finds making fun of people stronger than you funny.

And self-deprecation is pretty universal.

You can make funny yourself and everyone will be like, “Ha-ha-ha.”.

Because that’s safer.

I don’t think that is universal.

I disagree there.

I don’t know enough.

Like I know the places I’ve been.

And basically everywhere I’ve been, if I

make fun of myself, people think it ‘s funny.

Do you have a favorite joke?

A favorite…oh man, come on.

No?

I mean, I don’t know.

Some of my favorite jokes are just like the really shitty ones.

Yeah, give me one.

Even if it’s one, you would tell your kids.

Since I was a kid, I’ve really liked this one.

What’s brown and sticky?

Oh no.

What? A stick.

Oh yes, I actually heard that.

Of course I heard that one.

Yeah, I don’t know. I’ve always liked that one.

Remember my mum’s reaction.

She’s like, “Ugh, I don’t know. It’s a stick.”

And she’s like, “Ugh.”.

So you can have a joke about having sex with sheep or a joke about having

sex with camels.

Oh, just do both.

Okay, so I’ll do them fast, which probably isn’t as good.

There’s a sheep researcher going around from country to country and doing

research on sheep and health and stuff.

And then they have this sort of subsection of research they want to do about

do Shepherds actually have sex with sheep.

So they kind of pull the Shepherd aside.

So he’s in England and he goes…he

goes to the Shepherd and he’s like, “Ugh .”

So just, you know, I’m down low.

Do you have sex with sheep?

And he goes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

And he kind of happens. He goes, “Well, how do you do it?”

And he goes, “What do you do is you take their hind legs and you stick them

in your boots.”

And then you can have sex with them so they can’t run away.

And they’re like, “Oh, okay, they’re worth that deal.”

Went to Australia.

Our New Zealand New Zealand has more sheep.

Went to New Zealand and does all the research and then says to them, “You

know, on the down low, do you want to enjoy

some sort of sex with sheep a little bit?”

And it happens. And you’re out here

on the paddock. It’s very lonely. So you.

grab the sheep by the back legs and you put it in your boots and you can

have sex with the sheep that way.

“Oh, okay, so that’s maybe that’s universal.” And he goes to Wales and he.

talks to a Shepherd and he goes, “So, do you go through all his research?”

So on the down low, do you take the sheep’s back legs and put them in your

boots and have sex with them?

And he goes, “Well, how do you kiss them?”.

“I really enjoy the idea of people kissing sheep.”.

And the other one is the French foreign legion and they’re in the desert and

there’s a new recruit and they’ve been out there and they’re in the fort.

They’ve been there for a while and he goes, “So, when you guys get your man

ly urges, what do you do?”

And they go, “Oh, we got the camel.”

He goes, “Oh, it’s disgusting.” He like.

ignores, walks away and he’s offended by this.

And then a couple days later, they’re sitting around the fire and he goes,”

No, no, seriously guys, you gotta take care of yourselves. What do you do?”

And he goes, “Well, we got the camel. Just take the camel.” And he’s like,”

Oh, it’s a terrible horrendous idea.”

And he’s like, “I’m really offended.” But now we’re like, then it’s like a

month in and he’s like, “No, I really gotta take care of some stuff.”.

What do you guys do? The camel is there. Just use the camel.

And so the guy’s like, “Okay.” So he

goes and he gets like a step ladder and.

he gets out behind and he comes back the

next day and he’s like, “Really relaxed.”

And he’s like, “You know what, that’s not the sex with a camel. It was a

really good idea.”

And they’re all like spit their coffee. I’m like, “What?”

And he’s even telling me to have sex with a camel for like a month. He goes,

“No, no, we ride the camel into town.”.

The minute you start telling that one, I always say, “I’ve heard that one.”

Yeah, I think everyone’s like, “Those are two very old jokes.”

I’ve never heard the kissing the sheep one.

No, no. I just like the idea of someone thinking like, “Well, you gotta kiss

the sheep.”

I like it. It’s almost like a little romantic, which I quite enjoy.

I like absurd ones as well. Actually, I just think of some more. There’s two

frying eggs and a frying pan.

One looks at the other and says, “Hot in here.” And the other one goes, “Ugh

, talking egg.”.

That’s pretty good.

[Music].

Fake Blood Octopii

That’s the third start to the intro of this

podcast and it’s because I keep wanting

to explain or justify what I’m doing.

This is an episode of C-Mick Be reads.

That’s all you really got to know.

I did the entirety of a year I read a free online romantic sex book about

some women who

had taken to a prehistoric planet and dropped there and they had to blink

their way to safety.

And it was good but I actually found that reading an entire book, my

commentary fell off because there was just less to say.

The author had their quibbles and traits

and odd things and I’d made fun of them and

then it came up in another chapter.

I’d just make fun of the same thing again.

I realized the sheer length of a whole book is a problem.

And I could read articles and stuff and I’ve done that in the past.

I want to make it so that there’s a variety

of interesting stuff that’s interesting to

me, interesting to the audience.

If you have something you would like me to read,

send an email to chunkmapeefchest@gmail.com.

or you can send a voice message to speakpipe.com/chunkmapeefchest.

Every social media platform, I’ve probably tried to claim chunkmapeefchest

and they all have message systems and stuff.

So if you just search for a chunkmapeefchest,

there’s a good chance there’s me.

There is another podcast called Seamick Bee and it was like the Military

College of Brazil,

maybe it was Columbia Military College of Brazil, something like that.

So I was going to try to start beef with them just because we got to decide

who actually owns the name.

And maybe starting beef with a literal military organization isn’t my best

idea I’ve ever had.

Which brings us to fake blood which is what we’re talking about today

because I read an article

about the history of fake blood and I found it really interesting and I

thought hey, if you

listen to my stuff, I just assume the stuff that I find interesting, you

would find them, and it may be, it may be, it may be, it may be interesting.

In 1897 there was a Parisian theater called the Grand Gugnoch.

G-U-I-G-N-O-C, G-G-G-N-O-L.

My writing’s very poor, I made my notes very quickly.

L’Gran Gugnoch and they put on plays, they put on horror plays.

I was like I’ve seen horror movies, I’ve actually never seen horror plays.

I’ve seen a few plays, I wouldn’t say I’m like someone who goes to plays.

Trying to think of the plays, I’ve gone to a bunch of high schools plays

with my friends were in.

I actually did a couple, I was really bad at it.

I went to the Chinese opera which was a really interesting experience

because the way they

did it is they had the Chinese opera on the stage and then up they had this

big monitor

and it had the subtitles but they were above so they were like super titles.

There was mostly singing and so this guy gave a 5 minute song and it was

clearly supposed to be inspirational to his soldiers and whatnot.

Then the translation was let’s go to war.

I think we’ve missed a few subtleties in that translation but I enjoyed it

but most plays you know their dramas.

The only one I ever cared about is waiting for Gdou and that’s because I

read it and then

I saw the Katie Lang video and the constant

craving video and that just reaffirmed my love for.

that play.

I think because it was only like 5 minutes

I didn’t have to actually go see it.

Reading it was good.

I don’t know if I actually want to see this stuff so maybe I’m not like a

play oriented kind of guy but a horror play would bring me in.

I would love to go see a live performance of a horror story.

They had their own secret recipe for blood.

So of course being a horror thing people

got stabbed or there were wounds and stuff.

So they had their own secret recipe and they

think it was pigments so make it red and

glycerol which I assume is just like a jealous stuff.

Like anyways.

So this became like okay we have to make

blood if we’re going to do horror stuff.

Now very soon they were maybe the most famous

and it seems like the first iteration of

fake blood as like a thing you made for

your performance was that Le Grand Reno then

movies came along and movies are where you know horror as a genre became its

own thing.

Like a real thing.

Like maybe that’s it.

Maybe live horror plays never became its own genre in a big enough way

because the kind of people who go to

plays maybe don’t want to go see horror.

I do I would really like to go see a horror play.

I think that would be really awesome.

We had movies, black and white movies and En Psycho is one of the more

famous ones because

the shower scene where their girl gets stabbed and the blood trickles down

and it circles

the drain as the water washes the blood off

the poor woman who’s just been murdered.

The problem is red blood actually didn’t show up very well on screen.

This is something I learned about that

you have to do stuff to make it show up.

And so it was more about consistency and darkness than it was actually about

looking realistic.

So at that time they used chocolate syrup because it had the sort of

consistency they wanted.

It had sort of the liquidity and it was very

sort of dark and vibrant looking and very

shiny and it showed up very well on screen.

There was a 1968 movie called Night of the Living Dead.

If you’re in the zombie movies it’s essentially the first zombie movie.

They used Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup for all the blood in that movie.

So when the zombies are eating a person they’re actually just pouring

chocolate syrup all over their mouth and going “ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.”

So actually what have tasted really good.

So I mean being an extra on that movie being

one of the zombie extras on that movie.

It’s not a terrible deal because yeah,

you’re maybe covered in fake blood and stuff.

That actually might be chocolate syrup.

Pretty easy to wash off.

But then when you have to eat another person

you’re just like basically licking chocolate.

syrup off someone which is kind of cool.

I was pretty down with that.

My thought was British people are always really like Hershey’s isn’t real

chocolate kind of stuff.

So they might be really down on that.

Hershey’s syrup and Hershey’s chocolate

bars are different, different flavors.

Anyways, then we get to color.

Other movies started and then you had to be able to…

Oh no, something else I learned about Black White movies.

Again, it was contrast was important.

Being able to see things on the Black and White film was really important.

So there’s the very famous end of Seven

Samurai where they have a battle in the rain.

And if you just have water pouring down from the sky in a Black and White

movie it doesn’t show up very well.

The people look damp but they don’t look wet.

It doesn’t look like the… You can’t see the rain running down their face.

So what they did if you watch that movie,

it’s a three hour movie so you might not be

too into it.

It’s a good movie though.

They used essentially ink to make it rain

so that the rain would show up on screen.

You could see the rain but that meant also you could see it like drip down

people’s faces and stuff.

So you could see the rain as an effect in the movie.

So Black and White movies that had a whole

different set of problems they’d deal with.

It wasn’t about realism, it was about visibility in the medium of Black and

White film.

Luckily back then they didn’t probably have EPA or environmental controls on

films or any sort of ethics.

So I’m assuming that whole area was just like sodden with ink and everything

in that area died.

But maybe we learned a lesson since then?

Now you can actually use water and it will have the effect because you’ll

actually be able

to see the water on the screen because our technology has come so far.

But it’s an interesting problem.

If you were the director of the film you’re like well we’re making it rain

but no one can see the rain so what’s the point?

You might as well just do it on a sunny day.

Everyone just looks kind of like moist.

Then we had color film in the 60s and 70s.

What they wanted was that vibrancy to come

out so that you could see the blood so you

know his blood.

So they actually made it almost cartoonishly bright.

I’m sure there’s a old movie you’ve seen where the blood looks more like

bright colored catch up than anything else.

My co-workers and I at lunchtime have been watching Loan Wolf and Cub the

Samurai movies

and they do some great slashes and there’s a big spray of blood that comes

out when they do a slash.

If that is not the right color you actually

wouldn’t be able to see it on screen.

The same problem is the previous problem with black and white movies.

It has to be able to show up so they use really bright blood and it looks

pretty good when

it sprays but when it actually like pools

when someone gets their like in throat slash

then lying down there’s a pool of blood.

When it pools it looks really really bad it looks really really fake but it

did make for some excellent blood sprays.

In 1963 they made a movie called Blood Feast and not only did the blood need

to be recognizable

as blood because it was blood feast they were going to be consuming a lot of

the blood.

It had to also be edible so they used a mixture of red dye and Kale pectate

which is antacid and anti diarrhea medicine.

So everyone on that set who is a I assume a cannibal of some sort I haven’t

seen this movie.

Now I’m vaguely interested in it because I know what the blood is made of.

Everyone in this movie had a really settled

stomach and maybe couldn’t poop that day.

What we want to get to is how much fake blood are they using was one of the

things because there was an amazing amounts of blood they actually used.

In the shining there’s that famous elevator scene.

Now that blood is a little bright in liquidy but it still worked.

That was 300 gallons just for the elevator scene.

That’s like eight liters of blood for those of you who don’t know metric.

The evil dead in 2013 they used over 50,000

gallons and that was just for one scene.

Do you have any idea of the amount of

gallons of blood you used in this thing?

This thing being the movie.

I know we ordered a truck the other day

that was 50,000 gallons just for one scene.

Is that the raining blood scene?

So obviously the raining blood scene is going to use a lot.

There’s a couple of movies that have had rains of blood.

I think the most famous one for me is in one of the blade movies.

Probably the first one where he goes to the

vampire dance club and they’re all dancing

and then the fire sprinklers turn on and it

sprays blood over and I was like, “Wow, I love.

my blood.”

I’d be interested to know what that was made of.

We’re going to get to a couple of recipes

later but I’ll just finish this quote.

Is that the raining blood scene?

Yeah, that’s a lot of blood.

That’s the thing where we’re trying to measure because sometimes we go over

the top and there’s a lot of blood and we go, “Eh?”

But somebody joked because the other day

I said, “Okay, that was too much blood.”

And they all said, “Wow, wow, that’s

the first time we’ve heard that so far.”

Usually I ask for more.

There’s always a tone that you have to hit right in horror.

With the blood, you want to make sure that it makes sense all along.

You choose one style, right?

Like the way an arm bleeds when you cut, it

could look so many different ways and not

look the style and not look this in the style of the movie, right?

We’re kind of a little bit.

Because we’re a little bit too Japanese, I would say.

It’s kind of that sharp flat and we have some of that, “What?”

It’s kind of that sharp flat we have some of that kind of stuff.

I’m sorry, Mr. Alvarez is not making sense to me right now.

It’s kind of that sharp flat we have some of that kind of stuff.

I guess you saw here about maybe the color?

The color is too sharp and maybe too flat, not textured enough.

I mean, that’s what I like.

Yeah, it’s pretty over the top sometimes.

So this year volume means that the different mixtures of blood, that’s

actually going to affect cost.

And they were saying 50,000 gallons, which again, that’s like 10 liters of

blood for one scene and there’s multiple scenes in the movie.

And then there’s a lot more blood in the movie.

So that’s interesting.

I did find part of the article I was

reading actually had some actual recipes.

So you could actually write this down or if you’re watching the video, just

take a screen shot or something.

So if you want to make some at home, you can actually do this.

So Kensington Gore was the trademark name.

So this is trademark.

Oh, it’s out there in the world.

You can actually find it yourself.

The trademark name for blood used in

film and theater during the 19CC assembly.

So that’s probably really, really bright

stuff I was talking about in samurai films.

Today it is often used as a generic term for stage blood.

So there’s the actual original trademark stuff.

And then now because it’s so common, they just use it for fake blood.

The bricks specifically use Kensington Gore in the shining.

So the one, the thing that the 300 gallons that flowed out of the elevator,

that was this recipe.

Golden syrup, which I assume is corn syrup, I’m actually not sure.

Warm water.

So again, so you can mix it.

Food coloring, which is going to be the red and cornstarch.

For adjusting opacity, I would have assumed

cornstarch was for thickness, but they’re

saying like, if it’s too thin, you can see through it and it looks too wet.

And if you want to make it so it’s harder to see, thicker, it will mean it

would be less opaque, which is pretty interesting.

Kensington Gore really set the standard for

fake blood made with a sugary syrup base

with food dye.

But if we’re going to talk about fake blood,

we have to talk about Dixmith because his

do it yourself recipe.

Well, technically poisonous is one of the most famous.

So yeah, in what was the movie, Blood Feast, the fake blood had to be edible

because the actors were going to be expected to eat it.

In “Night of the Living Dead,” they used chocolate syrup, which meant that

when the zombies reading the people, it

was actually quite delicious and very safe.

The one where it’s the anti-diarrhea medicine, maybe too much of that would

have been pretty bad for you.

I bet it would have worked its way through

eventually, but you might have been pretty

backed up for a while.

Smith, known as the Godfather of Makeup, was an American special makeup

effects artist,

known for his work on the famous film, such

as The Godfather, 1972, The Exorcist, 1973,

and Taxi Driver, 1976.

He put his own twist on the syrup-based blood with

the addition of methyl-peribin, a preservative.

He also used a photographic wedding agent that changed the viscosity of the

blood and allowed it to seep into clothes as real blood would.

However, this is what makes the recipe poisonous.

Therefore, making it unsuitable for any

application where ingestion may occur.

So you have one, the Kensington Gorone, you can eat it.

Probably tastes okay because it’s basically golden syrup.

I assume is like corn syrup, which is really just a kind of sugar, a water,

food coloring, and corn starch.

It doesn’t taste great, but edible.

Or is this one because of the extra ingredient?

It’s probably to make it, he said to make

it so it bleed into sink into blood quickly.

So probably actually making it thicker without using corn starch, which

probably wouldn’t absorb into clothing the same way.

So you get shot or stab or something in

that slow bleed as what they’re going for.

Dick Smith’s blood recipe, one quart white corn syrup, so not golden syrup.

One level tablespoon of methyl-peribin.

Two ounces of Eller Red Food Color.

Two five tablespoons of A-Her-A-Her-Aler Yellow Food Color.

Two ounces of Kodak Photo Flow.

Two ounces of water.

That’s your base recipe, so you would just have to multiply that by two,

three, four, whatever to make bigger vats of it.

But remember, this is poisonous.

Do not drink this.

Do not eat it by accident.

It’s said, Eller Red and Yellow pigments

are not available anymore, so some recipes

will add zinc and use Red and Yellow Food dye instead to make this recipe

less poisonous.

You can use food safe and mulsifier wedding agents such as liquid, light tin

instead of the photo flow.

Another way to make it less toxic.

Edible blood is the go-to Sam Raimi method.

So Sam Raimi, he has made a lot of spider man movies and stuff.

For any low budget filmmaker looking to make

a horror movie, you likely need a lot of

blood.

You really need it to be very, very cheap and do it yourselfable.

For the original Evil Dead 1981, they needed just that like Dick Smith’s

recipe, the Evil Dead blood relies on corn syrup as the base.

To make a affordable blood that still looked to go on camera, Raimi, and

make up an effects

artist Tom Sullivan used a non-dairy coffee creamer in their recipe.

You can also find the recipe in Bruce Campbell’s autobiography if the chins

could kill confessions of a B movie actor.

It’s a pretty good title for a book.

So the Evil Dead blood recipe is six pints of clear, cato syrup.

So you have to get a British man to go out

for the evening and drink six pints and then.

take those glasses and then you can make this blood.

Three pints are you need a British man and his girlfriend.

Three pints of red food coloring, one

pint under kid has to come with him too.

One pint of non-dairy creamer and one drop of blue food coloring.

It’s that one drop of blue food coloring in

six, seven, eight, nine, ten pints of liquid.

Is it going to change the color enough?

Because if it’s three pints of red food coloring, one drop blue, I wonder

how much of a difference that makes.

Many movies and television series still rely on these recipes or some

derivative for their bloody visual effects.

However, others are turning to a cleaner method of Gore pixels, CGI blood.

It’s interesting though, we do want, what I want is for you to be able to

make it at home.

That was to me the more interesting part.

So if you dame to attempt one of these, make

it at home, do it yourself, blood recipes

for movies and cover yourself all in blood in fake murder scene, I would

like a picture.

You can send a picture to chummyvchest@gmail.com

and I would really actually

really enjoy to see what people do.

I’m kind of thinking the next break, I might

make some fake blood with my kids and see

what we can make happen because I would love to fake a murder scene and then

send a picture to my wife, which I bet she doesn’t find funny.

Okay, so the other thing, let me get

that up on the screen now, yeah, for me.

To continue, see me be reads, it’s 25 minutes, but I think I messed around

the first like 5, 10 minutes, this might only be a 15 minute podcast.

The other thing I read about, so there was your transition, is octopi.

Now the first thing I’m going to have to address is the usage of the term

the plural, octopuses versus octopi.

Now very technically, grammatically, octopuses is correct, but if you use

octopuses and correct

people on their usage of octopi, you need to realize that you’re not fun and

no one really enjoys being around you.

You might argue, yes, people do enjoy being around me, but you’re incorrect.

People tolerate you.

They exist in your vicinity, but they are not enjoying that experience.

So that’s just something to be aware of.

If you naturally feel the instinct to correct someone who says octopi and go

actually, the

correct grammar is octopuses, you should go

home and sort of just rethink the entirety

of your existence.

You could do better in life by just using the plural “I,” which is just way

more fun in every capacity.

And sometimes language is about pleasure.

It’s about enjoying existence.

It’s about communicating with people and

creating sounds that are pleasurable for them.

as much as yourself.

You probably are the kind of person

who really enjoys hearing their own voice.

Whereas everyone else, what they hear is

the annoying grating of someone who thinks,

pulling words out of a dictionary is a good

idea when it inhibits having a good time.

Kind of lost it at the end there if I’m being honest, but I think my point

is pretty solid in that if you correct

anyone who says octopi, you should go away.

So I did read an article about octopuses, octopi.

Octopi are just amazing animals.

They are there.

Is it cephalopods?

I actually have to check.

I don’t want to get that one wrong.

Octopi versus octopuses, I’m pretty confident about cephalopods.

I’m pretty sure that might be an alien thing.

I think here’s the problem with reading,

like watching a lot of fiction and stuff.

Sometimes you get your technical language

mixed up with real stuff and fake stuff.

So sometimes I’ll actually say something that sounds scientific, but it’s

from Star Trek, so it’s not real.

That’s problematic.

There’s a reason I have an English major and not a science major.

Let’s put it that way.

Research published in 2021, Octopi, I

am correcting the article I’m reading from.

Octopi were observed punching fish during collaborative feeding sessions.

In some cases, the punches were to prevent exploitation and sure

collaboration, so in other words, keeping the peace.

So basically one fish was eating too much food.

All the fish needed to get food, so the Octopi took it upon themselves to

just like a little

deck here and there to just nail one in

the face and be like, you’ve had enough.

You need to let this other fish over here have a little bit of food.

But in other situations, it seemed that the Octopi punched the fish for no

other reason than to punch them.

But that actually, something we do know is that Octopi have memories.

So really what’s, see, they’re making an assumption that they’re just

hitting them for no reason.

I bet they remember some crap that that fish pulled before and they’re like,

I’m still angry at you.

I’m still decking you.

How do you like that?

Don’t come around here no more.

Octopi are famously anti-social animals and

are solitary, even when it comes to their

own species.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I like Octopi so much is that I am similar.

Now it seems like I’m very social.

My friend group is primarily them in line.

I would say I would enjoy spending time with them, but I would be more fun

if we both went home to our computers

and played a game together or something.

But I don’t know if that’s anti-social so much as just I have a very, very

specific set of lifestyle choices and needs at once.

A group of researchers gave Octopi

MDMA, popularly known as Molly or Ecstasy.

Now one thing I was enjoying about science is when they’re like, what was

the premise of giving an Octopus Ecstasy?

You can say there’s a scientific degree we’re trying to research something,

try to figure out how the brain works with

it, what effect does it have on the animal.

But really, you know these scientists had done Molly in the past and we’re

like, you know,

we’ve been working with this spit, I don’t

know the Octopi specific name which is too

bad because I’d like to start referring to them by name Kevin.

We know Kevin’s been working hard, he’s done like a whole bunch of

experiments, he’s taught us a lot and we want him to have a good time.

Let’s call it research.

Pop them a little Molly, our cells and see what happens, make sure that

Kevin parties tonight.

Octopi are typically a social creatures.

So the scientists wanted to see how the drug that affects serotonin levels

and induces extra version of people would impact the Octopi.

So essentially this is the same experiment as if you gave me Molly.

Would I then want to go out and spend time with other people?

What would happen to my serotonin levels which flat lying constantly?

As it turned out the normally solitary Octopi spent time with one another

after sitting in an MDMA bath which

sounds like a really relaxing bath for it.

I guess not, I’ve never done it.

I’ve never done XC so I don’t actually know.

Like I know it makes you more social and you like you want to touch each

other and stuff which is pretty gross.

But does it relax you?

Cocaine is famously amps you up and you want

to clean your house and then weed lowers

you down and you get more sedate.

I actually don’t know where MDMA falls at that.

The normally solitary Octopi spent time with one another after sitting in a

bath even going

so far as to touching each other with their arms in an exploratory way.

Either this says more about Octopi or the power of MDMA, perhaps for you to

decide but still.

It’s cool that Octopi can play nice sometimes.

I do have friends who have done XC when they used to go to raves and they

did talk about just like touching each

other a lot which again sounds awful to me.

I don’t know if I enjoy anything about that.

Octopi are smart and cranky which sounds

like every old man I know so I think maybe

again this might be why I start to relate to them.

Last year scientists described seeing Octopi gathering silt and shells off

the seafloor in Durvis Bay, Australia and flinging them at their peers.

Which I find funny which makes me think that the Octopi funny as well.

The research I believe that throes must serve as social purpose but to my

untrained diet this looks pretty antisocial.

I mean maybe they’re just having a good time.

This is how they entertain themselves.

I go to judo which is me grabbing on to honestly friends and sometimes

strangers and trying to hook them as hard as I can into the ground.

And it sounds like the octopus and I share certain traits.

This is again why I probably was so immediately connected to this article.

Research published in 2021 tracked Octopi’s sleep schedule.

I suppose if I say Octopi I can’t say Octopi’s but it is possessive.

I don’t know because if it’s plural possessive Octopi’s, Octopi’s, Octopi

added more eyes.

Octopi sleep schedules.

The scientists found the animals had sleep states similar to REM.

States and humans when we dream.

If the animals are dreaming though the researchers don’t think they have

dreams as complex relinquies as their own.

They have no fucking idea if that’s true or not.

That is a massive assumption on their part.

They might just have a broader view of the universe so what they consider a

simple dream you would consider mind blowing.

So I think scientists, the problem is scientists as much as they might talk

about science, make so many assumptions which is completely unreasonable.

It should be more like a small video clips or even gifts which is how most

people spend their waking days.

I’m sure there’s about 12 jokes in there

if you actually want to put it the effort

that I don’t.

I think that is you might but again you’re not going to if you start making

assumptions that there are more simple thought

processes like Dave the dog, my dog, he

sleeps.

He sleeps quite regularly and quite generously.

He’s sleeping right now in the corner.

He dreams.

Now he does little twitchy things like dogs do and everyone’s always thinks

he’s dreaming.

He’s chasing a rabbit.

No one knows that.

He might be dreaming that he’s just exploded the core of the universe and

has reformed everything

into a more perfect utopian balance system where everything is egalitarian

and there is no unhappiness.

And that’s that little twitchy motion that he goes, the assumption on our

part is species least.

If I’m being honest, the assumption on our part is that we’re some sort of

superior intellect

and that other animals can’t have that because they don’t communicate with

us in the same way, we make assumptions that they are lower species.

And I think that’s unfair and it’s especially unfair for the octopi because

the octopi, as we all know, is basically an alien.

It is the most alien looking thing on the planet earth.

Why would you assume that it’s dreams are more simplistic than ours?

In February 2023, researchers announced that

they had managed to record brain activity

in freely moving octopi for the first time.

The scientists implanted electrodes into the data logger into day octopuses.

Octopus cyanera or cyania or chyanuria.

I think I would say cyan because it has the CYN and it’s cyania.

Brain activity patterns recorded in the research have not yet been tied to

specific behaviors.

And again, maybe we don’t understand the

relationship because they’re so alien to us.

But if the practice sticks, it may provide more information about the inner

workings of the octopus and specifically how

their brain actively corresponds to their

movements.

They’re very complex, flexible legs that Japanese anime really enjoys.

There are ethical questions here as in the case whenever devices are

inserted into animals

that cannot express consent, but inserting

devices into animals for science arguably

better than frying and eating them in a persuade.

That’s a non-equivalency, if I’m being honest.

Yeah, that actually just threw me the writer

just started to throw in their opinion.

I was thinking about they used to think that babies don’t feel pain.

So these do do like surgery on babies and stuff without any anesthetic,

which is terrifying if you think about it.

So what can we actually take away from the octopi study?

And really what I take away from it is

that scientists make too many assumptions.

And those assumptions are bad science.

And what the octopi have taught us more than anything else is that if you

want to do science,

you have to do science properly, which means don’t assume that because a

species is different

that that species is lower capability intellectually, that their dreams are,

I’m really stuck on the dreams thing.

You can tell.

You want to just conclude by saying like scientists made the wrong

assumption because they made an

assumption where realistically speaking,

there’s no way to know one way or the other.

And anytime you see scientists assume or someone assumes you can just

immediately should be thinking that’s bad science.

[Music].

A Multitude of Failure

[Music].

So I actually, in my notes, have written a multitude of failures.

And I just compile the list of times.

I don’t know if I failed or circumstances failed me or my brain failed, but

there is an element of failure. And maybe

this was, again, more an exploration of how

failure works.

Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s the world, sometimes it’s circumstance.

You got to take responsibility for what goes on in your life, but you can

also see how things are

sometimes out of your control. And so I thought I would explore that a

little bit by going through.

Basically, laugh with me by laughing at

me with me is what we’re trying to get to.

So like everyone who finishes university

and I was particularly bad at education,

I was trying to get a job. And so I

was just like, hey, throwing it out there.

Let’s try to get any job we can. We just want to get started in life.

And I thought, “Oh, what’s a noble thing I can do? Let’s try to make myself

the best self I can be.”

I also maybe had taken on too much information for movies like that things

work out really nicely

in the end, which found real life. They don’t really

work that way. Like, I’ve got, I’ve had a very.

blessed life, but at the same time, if you, what my aspirations in my

reality, there is a significant gap.

there. So I was trying to get a job right out of university. And I didn’t

really know how things.

worked. One of the things, university, high school, all education says it’s

supposed to prepare you

for the real world, supposed to prepare you for stuff. It doesn’t even come

close. Like, I think.

middle school elementary school should have a course on how to study.

That’s been a big sticking point for me for the last little while. It’s been

years now.

Well, I think about education is that

education never teaches students how to study.

They say, “Here’s math. Take this math and go study it.” They don’t tell you

how to study it.

Should I just copy it? Should I do like other activities? Should I make up

my own formulas?

Should I just look at it? Should I put it under my pillow and use osmosis?

They don’t explore anything.

Because again, I think every kid’s probably a little

different. And so what’s successful for one kid.

won’t be successful for another, but you got to try the different ways to be

successful. And then

find what works for you. So then by the time you get to junior high school,

high school, you know

what kind of studying works for you. Therefore, you can study more

effectively. When you’re going to

the end of university and you’re trying to get jobs and stuff, they got to

tell you how jobs work.

And that I think was maybe the first failure, where school has failed me

miserably. So I said, you know,

again, maybe being a little aspirational in my thinking, I decided to apply

to CISIS. Now CISIS is

CSIS. It is the Canadian. I forget what

it stands for. Canadian. It’s not secret.

And I’m going to have to look it up. Let me do that real quick.

What does CISIS stand for? Oh, there you go. Okay. It’s Canadian security

intelligence services. So

this is essentially Canada’s CIA or Canada, because the FBI is national and

the CIA is international.

Canada has the RCMP is national and CISIS is international. So they deal

with international crime. Now.

they’re spies. This is Canada’s version of spies. And I just thought, oh,

right, a nice letter and

a resume, which had like, I sold dog food for six years on it and send that

into the CISIS head office

because they do have an office, which actually is in itself kind of weird.

And I didn’t do any research.

I didn’t think of what requirements they had. I didn’t actually apply for a

specific job. I just

sent a letter to the Canadian security intelligence services and said, I’d

like to work for you.

Now with a little life experience, I see why this wouldn’t have worked out.

because I don’t think CISIS

just accepts applications. I think they recruit. I think they’re going to go

to the military.

They’re going to go to police agencies.

They’re going to go to specific things.

Again, perhaps banks need like forensic accountants and whatnot. They’re

going to find the people

who fit the roles they need and then they’re going to recruit them. They’re

not just going to take

applications off the street. It’s why you’ve never looked on Craig’s list

and seen an ad for CISIS agents.

Now I didn’t think I was realistic enough to think

I’m not about to be a spy. I’m not going to be like.

the Canadian version of James Bond going around the world shooting things

and solving crimes.

I thought I would probably be doing a lot of data input. Maybe I’ll get good

enough at that.

That I’ll actually get a job as maybe as a data analyst or compiling other

people’s information

and doing stuff for them. I was pretty, I’m not even going to say good, I

was pretty good with computers.

I was adequate. I was better than average at the time. That’s certainly now

that’s not the case

because computers have come so far. But at the time, I could have done some

Excel sheets that maybe

other people couldn’t do. I could put

some things together that other people do.

So I sent them a resume and a letter in a

cover letter and I actually got a response,

which I now in my head think this was

very nice of them to not make fun of me.

And then the response was a very short letter and I just said I don’t know

where you would fit.

in the organization. And it was a very nice way of saying like what the fuck

are you talking about?

You moron kid. But at the same time, it was respectful and it maybe even

took a moment to

recognize like this kid wants to do something bigger but just doesn’t know

how. Which I think was

the case. I wanted to do something good with myself in the world. I just

didn’t know how to do it yet.

Anyways, so I did not get a job at Canadian security intelligence services.

And that’s the first step

to how I live my life now is not a spy. So then I’m still looking for a job.

This is the same

era again with so I’m still in a situation. So now if I was going to get a

job, I’d do a lot of

research. I would find out stuff. I would make sure I know what I’m talking

about before I made any sort

of application. I’ve done internal interviews within the company I work in

now and I did as much

research as I could to get as much like background as I could so that I

could present myself very well.

Back then, I was just so ready to get a dream job out the gate that I just

thought any my brain was

making things look good that were not good for me. So there was a company

and I saw an ad and this was.

back then because this is when I’m in my 20s. So the Internet is functional

and it exists but it’s

not common. So most jobs, even it, you know, very technologically advanced

companies, you would still

send in a physical resume so you’d send it in the mail. So I saw an ad. I.

think it was on the Internet.

It must have been on the Internet and it was looking for a script writer.

Now I am a pithy guy.

I drizzle sarcasm. I am artistic and I’ve written lots of stuff. By that

time I’d actually written

a full novel. We’ll get to how that failed in a minute. I got quips. I could

do it. I can write

scripts. I could write scripts that dazzle people. I could even do drama. I

could do serious stuff.

Comedy is a hard thing to write. Drama is easy, comparatively speaking. So I

got this. So what I did is

I took some scripts that I had made for a mini Internet show I had at the

time. You can see that

this aspect of my life has not changed much. And I compiled those scripts

and I wrote, I made a list

of other things I’ve written in amazing scripts I’ve put together and then I

wrote an original script

for them and I made this package. And I thought, man, this is a pretty good

package. This has like

sketch comedy. Has little drama. Has some novel things to it. Like long form

literature style

writing. It shows that I am very diverse in my abilities. They’re going to

be creaming their

pants to get a hold of me. This is going to be awesome. And so I was putting

the envelope, the package

into the mailbox. And as my hand released, I realized, and you hear that

slam, you know,

when it slabs, and that’s the note that you’ll never get this back. This has

gone forever. This is

now in the world. This is in the hands of the person who you’ve sent it to.

As I released my hands

and heard that little pff, I realized it’s a computer company. They’re

looking for computer.

scripts. Not comedy scripts or drama scripts or any kind of script. It’s not

like a sketch show.

They had a, the reason I kind of conflated these things in my mind. This was

sort of the height

of flash and flash cartoons were huge. And my mind had put together, they

needed someone to write

scripts to make their flash cartoons. But what they actually probably wanted

was flash scripts.

Like if a then b go to 10, all those kind of, you know, basic things. They

wanted Python scripts.

They wanted SQL scripts. They wanted PHP scripts. They wanted database

access scripts. They wanted

a script writer to write computer scripts. And as I let go of that letter, I

realized, in that moment,

I realized, this is wrong. I have not done, I’ve not interpreted this the

way it is in reality.

And I’ve really messed up. And I couldn’t get it back. Now, thankfully, the

company never contact

because I now felt enough sort of self-humiliation, self-embarishment and

how stupid I was

that I was now dreading the call where they would ask me to come in and

actually talk to them about

scripts. And I was, part of my brain was going, they’re computer guys. What

they’re going to do,

is see this guy who’s so dumb and has made this huge mistake. They’ll bring

him in. They’ll sit down

and talk to him. And they’ll just be like this office joke. And I will, and

I, you know, I would have gone in.

Because I was out of university, I was in

debt. I needed a job. I would have gone in

for the interview knowing that I had applied for a job that didn’t exist,

knowing that I was doing

a thing that they were just laughing at. I still would have taken the shot.

And that would have just

added to the embarrassment. It would have been insane. I am thankful that

they never contacted me.

It is painful. I actually have a friend who ended up working at that company

for a short time. And he

said that it never came up. So they didn’t sit around. The office talking

about that one guy who applied.

for a script writer doing scripts, but not actually computer scripts. But I

mentioned in that story,

my first novel. Now, I actually have a tattoo of the title of the novel on

my back. And there’s

a secondary story. I got it on my lower left of my back. It is inches away

from being a tramp stamp.

Because I got it on my lower back before tramp stamps were a thing. And then

about two years later,

girls are all sort of getting like flurries or flashes or like barbed wire

and shit across the

bottom of their back above their butt. And actually all these slutty girls

ruined my tattoo.

But anyways, I wrote a book. And this was in university. I was actually very

proud of it. The basic premise

of the plot. There were actually two main characters. There was a police

officer. And the police officer

had this uncanny ability to always hit what he shot at. So one day, he

encountered a repist who

was raping a girl and he shot him. But he could sell that. I did just

explain tramp stamps. Because

I needed to give context to there was a time before tramp stamps existed.

Because before

tramp stamps existed, if you got a tattoo on your back on let’s say your

lower back like I did,

there was no negative connotation to it. There was no association with the

tramp aspect.

So I felt it was necessary to make sure everyone understood. I know I’ve had

people say it like I

say I got this. This tattoo on my back. And I’ve had people go, do you not

know what a tramp stamp is?

Not realizing there was a time before tramp stamps. There was a time before

that was a thing. So I

have a tattoo on my shoulder. And I thought for balance, lower on the other

side of the body on my

back would be like a nice balancing feature of the tattoos. That’s why I got

it there. And then

honestly like two years later, tramp stamps got wicked popular. Weird one I

saw, no whatever,

I’m not talking about tattoos, Ignats is just put in the chat in the 1800s.

Yes, in the 1800s,

that is when I got my tattoo. And in the 1850s, tramp stamps became popular.

That’s why you’ll see so

many cowboys talk about tramps. They’re not actually talking about homeless

people. They’re talking

about women with tramp stamps. So that’s just a little more in-depth

knowledge for cowboy lore.

From Seemick B podcast. And Sean White Beef Jazz.

Anyways, now you’ve ruined the plot of my book. It

was a shitty book anyways. I wrote it when I was.

in my early 20s. So you know it wasn’t. I think it was again, conceptually

good. I think again,

I just need to work on, I needed to practice writing more. But the idea was.

that there was this guy

and he, if he shot something and he killed it, he knew inside. So as a

police officer, he could say,

you know, I shot at him and I hit him and

he died and that’s just a circumstance. As

whereas deep down inside, he knew he shot him on purpose because he had

essentially perfect aim.

The secondary main character was a ghost and the ghost had no context for

what being a ghost was.

So again, all media we’ve ever heard is that ghosts remain because you have

something left unfinished.

But the ghost himself didn’t know what he had left unfinished. So he was

going to try to find out

what he needed to finish so that he could move on. Not even knowing if there

was a place to move on

to. This is all conceptual. So he essentially tries to help the cop with

some issues and solve a

crime and whatnot. It’s a weird buddy cop thing but also they both have

these like really deep-seated.

issues which was supposed to be the heavy part.

Anyway, I didn’t conceptually quite a good book.

I wasn’t ready to write something that high, high-falutin yet. So I decided

I’m going to say,

but again, I’m still in the stage of my mind

where if I just do it and I do the thing,

it’s going to be successful because I’m young and stupid and I don’t know

how things work.

So I sent this book. Now at the time you had to send a sample of the book

with a cover letter

with a stamped self-addressed stamped envelope in it with a postcard that

said whether you wanted

your manuscript back or not. And I sent

it to every publisher in North America.

And then the rejection started coming because every

one of those self-addressed stamped envelopes.

came back to me and every single one of them came back with a rejection and

you want to know what

rejection feels like. You get to the point where every single day for weeks

and weeks and weeks.

There’s a letter for you. And in that letter is something saying that the

thing you spent a year,

two years working on, it is not good enough for anyone else to ever see.

Thank you for your time.

Goodbye now. And of course, it’s not. Now again, with the benefit of years

of experience and stuff,

I know that it wasn’t very good and it would take years

of editing and stuff. I did have one publisher say,

this is interesting. We’d be interested in looking at your next project. The

next project never came about in a realistic

amount of time. I did an internship at a

publishing company that was a

only did poetry. So they only did poetry. And we got dozens and dozens of

manuscripts every day.

And it was hardly any event was poetry. And the guy who ran the publishing

company said,

like, Peter, here’s a good job for you. I want you sit down and write the

rejection letters for these.

Now, it’s basically a form letter, but he’s like, if you can put in

something encouraging and positive,

that’s really nice. And me having had the similar experience of being

rejected by every single publisher

in North America, I had sympathy for these wannabe writers. The thing is, I.

read some of the worst

trash ever. And there’s one that sticks out to my mind and my memory. And it

was like a pre-50 shades

of gray concept. It was a BDSM kind of thing. The only bit I remember now is

the dominant man and the

submissive woman meets in a grocery store and he takes her hand and then

they’re frozen food

section. And that’s already funny if you’re being honest. And he takes her

hand and he puts it on.

her frozen Turkey. And he holds it there against the Turkey for an extent

time until her hand goes numb.

And it’s so cold it starts to hurt. And I was just pissing myself laughing

the whole time. Because

it’s just the idea of holding a frozen Turkey as being sexually stimulating

anyway. It was just a bit.

much. I guess if you’re horny enough, it probably worked. I mean that guy

probably the guy wrote it. He

probably was, he was probably into that kind of stuff. Ralph says, damn, I

wish I finished writing

novels. It is hard. I mean, that’s it. I think everyone has the ability to

start. It’s the getting

through the middle and finishing. So last six months ago, I wrote and.

recorded Montana LDablo.

If you go to Montana LDablo.com, it is a choose your own adventure. And that

took me a year to write.

And then I got sick and was in the hospital. And then I got out and I was

working on it really hard.

And then I got COVID. And then I decided I’m just going to finish it. So I

don’t think it’s very

strong. I think it’s a really good first effort. I’m working on the concept

and stuff for a second

choose your own adventure book. But I really enjoyed making it. And I think

that made a huge difference.

Right now, what I’m doing is taking the first Montana LDablo story. I’ve had

some AI transcribe it

from voice to text. I’m going to go through and fix it and add stuff. And

then actually self-publish it

on Amazon. Yes, conceptualizing and starting is easy. And that’s actually

where everyone falls

apart. Because everyone has like a notebook like this with like probably a

good idea in it. I don’t

even get a sh*t on people. Most people’s ideas are pretty solid. It is

sitting down in again, a book.

It’s a year-long process, probably minimal. And then do you have the where

the will to sit down

and edit? Do you have the will to cut half the sh*t you wrote because you

realize it’s not very good.

or rewrite it to make it better? Anyways, working as an intern in a

publishing company was very.

eye-opening. And that was probably more leading me to understand how the

world works. And again,

why I wasn’t getting these jobs that I was completely doofing in the first.

place. I did do again a very

movie-like thing. I thought, “Oh, you know what I’ll do? I’ll take my novel

that I’ve written. I’ll leave it

on the publisher’s computer.” And then one day he’ll go, “Oh, what’s this

file I don’t recognize? He’ll

click it open and start reading and go, “Oh, it’s a novel by that young

intern, that young very handsome

and intern with lots of hair.” Oh my god, this is brilliant. I’m going to

publish this. And then that would

set off my publishing career. What actually happened is it was on his

desktop. He just deleted it.

He’s like, “I don’t recognize that file. It was gone.” So I’ve realized like

the movie concept of

how success works has no relationship to reality. And these lessons are the

lessons that get us

through there. So that’s a lot of rejection I experienced. Variant, I claim,

I claim, I act to,

Rao probably has not heard the story

of the failure of my judo career. Which.

since we’re here,

I got one more story after this. This will probably be edited. But I have

done judo my whole life

since I was like 10 years old. So now I’m 50. I’ve been doing judo for 40.

years. In university, I was on

the university judo team. I really, really, really wanted to go to the

Olympics. So I was like working

really hard towards it. I was huge. So the body you see now is nothing. I.

was like four at one time.

So this is how sad you can get if you don’t maintain that. I was doing judo

four or five nights

a week and going to the gym four or five mornings a week. And I was sleeping

10 hours a day. I.

basically one half the country. So I got this the like the West Canada part

and I went to the nationals.

And so I’m in the nationals. I’m fighting and then I have this moment. And

you know, this is

getting towards that peak, that moment. And my opponent grabs two of my

fingers and pulls them

backwards. Now I probably, so 50% of my mind thinks he did this on purpose

to cheat. 50% of my mind

thinks he did this as an accident. So he broke, broke these two fingers. So

this little finger,

so I can close, you can close your finger all the way. This little finger

doesn’t. Like I can do

that and try to push it. It does not close because it was broken. In the

movie, not the movie, but in a movie,

what happens is the hero gets injured and then they maybe tape it up or they

go off and they take a

break. And they use their heart, their spirit to will them to win. So they

go back in and then they

would using some special move or some some, so just the purity of their will

to win and be better.

They win the fight and they become the champion. I went out two broken

fingers. I taped them up to

this third finger. I’m like, okay, I’m going to do it. I’m going to go back

in. I’m going to be the

hero that everyone’s seen in every movie. They’re going to make a movie

about this guy right here.

And I go in and I get my ass kicked because judo is not a thing you can

fight with only one hand. You

need two hands to do it. I got absolutely destroyed.

Got up. You have to bow. So I bow and I walk off.

And that’s when the tears just started. Like I’m going down the side of my

face because this is it.

That’s the end of my judo career right there. And that’s reality. And again,

it’s not even sad.

It’s just that’s what happens. That’s real life.

Like you get hurt. You don’t become the champion.

It ends your career. You try really hard. Sometimes that does not enough.

And you can’t just like,

it doesn’t suck. It’s just real life. So

sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t.

So I, that was the end of my judo career. I ended up though, but because I

had that experience in judo,

I came to Japan. And I have a really nice life in Japan. I credit that to

judo. So I think, yes,

I lost this one thing that would have kept me in Canada. But I got this

other thing that landed me in

Japan where I’m actually really happy. So that’s kind of the end point of

what I would end up

be getting to is like, how can I tell that one’s actually better? If I

become champion, I maybe would

have had a shitty job and been doing judo the rest of my life in Canada in

the country where no one

gives a shit about judo. Whereas now I’ve come to Japan. And as a mediocre

player, I get this status

because I’m a foreign guy who does a Japanese thing and does it really well.

And you know, really cares

about it and wants to share it with other people and they think I’m awesome.

I have an immediate

group of support, group of friends. It’s great. I think it’s, I see in a way

probably better.

And it was my last story. So again, this is the same period. End of

university trying to find jobs.

I go on and I find an online job recruiter and they’re actually based in

California. So I go, okay,

call them up. So I’m calling them long distance. I go, hi, I’m in Canada.

The job market’s tough.

I’m looking for jobs. I was wondering if there’s anything available in your

region because California’s

very up and coming. This was like the beginning and the very soon the end of

the first Internet.com.

bubble. I talked to them for quite a long time and then the recruiter said,

come on down and I’ll

get you working. And I was like, okay, I will arrange that. Hang up. I

immediately start looking for tickets

to San Jose. How much did they cost? I talked to

my parents because again, I’m in debt. How can I.

afford to go and get a job? But if I can get a job in California working for

a computer company,

I don’t be making tons of money really soon. So this is worthwhile. Let’s

try it. So I borrow money.

I get an airplane. I book a hotel. Really cheap cheap cheap. So cheap hotel.

I’m in San Jose. I call up the recruiter and I go, yeah, so I’m here and you

can just hear this

pause on the other end of the phone. They’re like, what? I go, well, I’m

here. You said, come on down.

You get me working. So I came on down and I’m

here now. What’s the next step? And they go,

and then they try to talk around. I’m like, oh, for fuck’s sake. They were

being euphemistic. They were

not being honest or direct. They weren’t being real. They were just saying

this because they’re

essentially a salesperson. So they talked to me for a bit and they’re like,

well, let me make some

arrangements and I’ll call you back. They didn’t call me back. So I started

calling the agency that

they worked for. And I got passed on to someone else who’s like, come on in.

But I’m like, I’ve now hit.

like deep, deep depression at this point. Come on in. We’ll see what we can

do. I come in. I mean,

we haven’t talked about visas or anything. So there’s no way I can get a job

in America. You can’t

just show up in America and get a job. You need a green card. You probably

need the job before you can

get all the shit I would need to get a job. So I’m

now in a position where I’m in San Jose. I have.

spent more money than I have. I’m completely lost.

I’m sitting in the shitty, shitty little hotel.

And this notification notification comes out and they call the hotel. They

call the room.

And it’s there’s been a chemical leak up the road of this big factory. And.

what they’re saying is

please don’t leave your room under any circumstances. So I can’t even go

like walk around. This is like

San Jose. It’s like sort of the bright sun shiny California weather. No, I

can’t go outside. Go,

you know, get a drink somewhere. No, you can’t go outside. I have to stay

indoors. I’m staying in this

place. And at this time, again, this is late 90s early 2000s HBO exists, but

it only plays two

movies a day and it just plays them on loops. So I don’t remember what the

other movie was, but I watched

Stuart Little four or five times in a 24 hour period because I could not

leave my hotel room. I

couldn’t leave the place I was staying. I was in the depths of depression. I

found it difficult to

motivate myself to do anything. And I’m just watching Stuart Little over and

over and over again.

And it’s talking about like if you have big dreams, you’ll like be

successful. And all I’m doing is

sitting in this shitty hotel room with chemicals apparently all around me,

probably giving me cancer

as I speak. Being as unsuccessful as humanly possible and I think Stuart

Little lied to me.

[Music].

The Holy prepuce

Cut the music in.

That’s done.

You came into the podcast later.

Did you listen to Velocity Podcast?

Did you listen to many episodes?

I didn’t go back.

This is when we started being friends from that.

This is essentially a remake of the original first episode.

Oh gee.

Conceptually I had a really good idea.

This is one of the problems.

I was going to take a story from history

that had some sort of almost like fictional elements.

Take it, talk about the story as if it was 100% factually accurate

and then talk about it as if it was 100% like was skepticism.

So I’m going to walk you through the story of the holy pre-puse

and then we have to talk about it like it’s real.

and then like it’s not real.

Just see where we end up.

So do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

I’m going to talk about it as if it was a 100% like

so do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

Yeah, it’s Jesus’s full scheme, yo.

Why do you know that? That’s gross.

I do. I write a random shit too.

I didn’t know about it until I started looking up.

I actually think I just saw about three of them as well.

Oh, there’s more than that.

Okay, I knew that was more than one.

In the Middle Ages,

the holy pre-puse went on tour

and they claimed to that if the holy

pre-puse of Jesus’s foreskin was in the area,

you’d have better crops.

And then the church started getting kind of little twitchy.

because they had about seven or eight different

holy pre-pie on tour at the same time.

Is that the correct pluralization?

No. Okay.

I guess it would be pre-puse says.

But I enjoy… So do they say like octopus is an octopi.

It’s an octopuses.

And I was like, “But octopi is so much for more fun.”

So I pluralize ambience as ambuli.

Stewardess is stewardi.

What about suitcases?

Suit, suit, suit, suit, tie.

No, suit, tie.

The plural, the eye plurals way more fun than… Not.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous.

So the holy pre-pie… I actually think

you sound fancier because it’s Latin.

So like I hear it.

I took three octopi out of my two suit, tie.

And the three stewardi came and helped me.

And then we found seven ambuli.

And then we put them in the ambuli where we found several pupae.

It’s just a fancy way to talk.

That’s all. Latin is just fancier.

So they actually started getting…

They sort of disquelched it because they

had two… What made me… The holy pre-pie.

They had so many holy pre-pie out in the world on tour.

It’s going to get suspicious.

Because if you’re in one town and you’re like holy…

I just came from this town. I saw the holy pre-puse.

And then you go another town and you’re like, “Well no.”

I just saw the holy pre-puse in this other town and it just came from.

So the church actually started putting like a little kibosh on it.

So they wouldn’t have too many pre-pie.

Isn’t that like a little hat?

What? The kibosh?

Is it? I don’t know. I’ve only ever learned that turn

as to like squash something down to stop it.

I’m really afraid of seeing some of the races

because I have no idea what I’m talking about.

That’s the problem.

That’s important.

And it’s intent in the hot pizza.

Oh good.

So the important part is never an otherwise.

Well I am just ignorant.

Let’s just be honest. I am ignorant with so many things.

So Jesus being a young Jewish lad and a good boy…

He was circumcised.

And so any piece of Jesus is therefore… Holy…

A holy ant.

Yeah, it’s a holy relic.

So that actually is my first question because I don’t know this.

I don’t know the answer.

So you might know the answer.

Do families that circumcise their children keep the foreskin?

I also don’t know the answer.

Yeah. So I don’t know.

I would just assume not because I think that’s weird.

Yeah.

That is my thought.

Is this not the kind of thing you keep.

And then we didn’t know Jesus was Jesus until he was like in his 30s.

So they didn’t keep it just in case.

Or did they know that Jesus was holy?

That’s a whole other set of issues that I really don’t want to get into.

Like it is.

Like some parents keep the umbilical cord that falls off babies, right?

You know when you snip it and then they have it attached to them for them.

It falls off eventually.

Did I tell you about the woman I lived with in university?

I think you did.

Yeah. So she kept her umbilical, her placenta.

And she kept it in the freezer.

And I said, and I said, why, why, what is that first of all?

Because it was, it was a big jar with

liquid that was frozen and like an ice ball.

Because that’s how long it’d been there.

But what is that? She goes, that’s my placenta.

Already like a sentence you don’t want to hear.

And then, and then I go, I go, okay um why is it in the freezer?

And she goes like I was going to um put it in, um planted under a tree.

And then under the tree it’ll help nourish the tree and grow it up.

I’m like your kid’s four.

Yeah, why haven’t you done it yet?

So I don’t think she ever did it or maybe she would have had to move out.

She was a weird chick.

Well anyways, so Jesus is for skin.

Any bit of Jesus is a holy relic. We know that.

But the question I had is that if we didn’t know he was really Jesus, Jesus.

until he’s in his thirties.

How did they know to keep it?

So that was my first sort of question Mark.

But we’re going to skip 800 years into the future.

Yeah, we’re going to do some time traveling.

Charlemagne.

So this is the actual story.

Charlemagne is going to become emperor.

And he’s in church praying.

And then an angel comes to him while he’s praying.

And stops in front of him and says, I have something for you.

And she gives Charlemagne the holy pre-puse.

So what do you think about that?

So this is my premise is okay, if we take

this as factual, this actually happened.

Yeah, going through the steps like kind of like what would happen.

What do you think Charlemagne was praying for in that an angel came and gave

him a foreskin?

I mean, I don’t think he was praying for a full skin.

That was my first thought too.

I don’t think anyone would deter to be

like, you know what I really want today.

And my emperse to be successful, a full skin will do it.

Yeah, like, so the biblical description of an angel is also terrifying.

Yeah, that was my other thought.

And I’m like, what kind of fucking angel came?

Because they are like like many eyed,

multi-headed, disgusting, sounding beasts.

Yeah, so the description in the Bible that I’ve taken is that every time

someone sees an angel, they’re absolutely terrified.

And so my first thought was it’s a blood-borne boss.

It’s just sort of like a… I have something for you.

Yeah, but it’d be like, well, it’s…

In your praying, okay, let’s just say

you’re praying for whatever you pray for.

So you’re praying for more tattoos or something like that, you know?

Yeah, that’s… yeah.

An angel comes to you.

This terrifying vision, multi-winged, glowing, many eyed, probably multiple

faces, thing.

Yeah, limbs coming out of the floor.

Comes to you.

Okay, so this is actually a very big question for me.

Does the angel just have it in its hand or does it have it in like a small

decorative box?

So if it’s like that kind of like biblical angel, it’s in its hand.

And in my head, it’s also bloody and fresh.

Okay, like they’ve traveled through time.

They’ve just got it.

Minutes ago.

Yeah, time has been meaning to an angel.

Okay, no, that works for me.

So, so, so, and then so you’re in church and then this angel comes down and

it goes, Mr. Warm Hands.

But I’m, I assume again, like booming trumpet voice.

I can’t do it.

It’d be like, “Bah!”

So like it would have sonorous, like just… It would fill up the room.

And this is an empty church.

Here’s a human foreskin.

What do you, like, what do you do now?

Well, because it’s, so you, how would you take it?

You take it out of the palm of the hand of the angel or would you just like

hold out your hand

and then it would just turn its hand over

like it’s dropping some M&M’s in your hand.

Yeah, I don’t know. Like I first thought you could…

Why?

Yeah, so this was, this was, this was one of the points I thought I had was

because it’s an angel.

You can’t question it.

Right? Like I can, I think they have some, they see something that’s going

to happen when you take this.

Yeah, like instinctually you can’t question an angel or God, I think.

Yeah, I guess I, that would ring true if I was religious, I guess.

Okay, so you work some mysterious ways, right?

Yeah, so you’re praying, and then I

also, I actually had another separate idea,

like did it come from behind or like different…

So you’re praying, I assume, to the altar of the church.

Yeah, did it come down in front of

your, or behind, just sneak up behind you.

Either way is kind of freaky.

Land on your shoulder.

And crush you.

Okay, so then it gives you the…

Previous, I gotta make sure my notes, I get everything in order.

Yeah, also, does it just appear, or

does it like open like a hole and like…

A portal through?

Yeah, I honestly, so my vision, my, my version of this is

you’re praying to the altar and there’s a stained glass window and it comes

through the stained glass window.

It’s like a light and in a stained glass all lights up and then it just

comes out of the window and comes down

and just sort of manifests itself in front of you.

It was my, my mental version of what happened.

But, Charlotte me, pissing himself in that moment.

Like, unless he’s so confident, I guess if you’re

gonna become emitter, you’re pretty confident, dude.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, Angel, this is just a Monday.

Yeah, it’s a Monday and I’ve now got an extra force kit.

Sweet, I think it’s gonna be a good week.

I once told this story to a guy who was religious and it was interesting

because it’s a holy relic, but like Christians and Catholics and stuff.

They get very cagey talking about it.

Yeah, because this is all this like really mythological like bonkers shit.

Yeah, and then they’re trying to make that everything around that work in

their modern everyday life.

Yeah.

When there’s all this like basically fantasy shit happening.

Yeah, I just think it’s because it’s connected to a penis.

They can’t talk about it.

They’re so sort of repressed.

They can’t talk about it because it has to do with penises.

That I found that always quite funny is that like they’re sitting there.

going like, oh you know, it’s a holy relic.

You should be very comfortable talking about a holy relic.

It’s a very important thing to you in your religion and

they’re like, I don’t wanna talk about it because it’s a dick.

All right, so we read the angel. The angel

gives you something. I think you take it.

No question.

You take it, yeah, because you don’t even understand what it’s saying.

Yeah.

You’re just like, no, overwell.

And then this hand comes out and goes, maybe it pulls your hand out for you.

Like you have no control.

Oh no, okay.

So now you’ve said that.

I think it like it reaches out with one hand and then takes your hand

because you’re still in the praying position.

Takes one of your hands and pulls it towards it really slowly and then just

puts a tiny, tiny piece of skin in it and then let’s go.

Yeah.

And then the PPS fuck.

Like it’s a tiny piece of skin.

Like, and then I assume you don’t know what it is.

If you put a tiny piece of human for a skin

in my hand, I wouldn’t know what that was.

No.

I would be like, what is the…

You’re just a student.

You’re like, it’s skin and that’s enough.

Yeah.

Just the fact that it’s a piece of skin.

It’s a piece of skin and you don’t know what it is.

Without telling you what happens next in the story, what do you do with the

tiny human for a skin in your hand?

Alright, so I’m assuming… Like, I don’t know why I’ve got it.

Yep.

It just got put into my hand.

You were just now praying probably for the greatest empire in human history.

Let’s say… Yeah, something like that.

So if I’m in that place doing that anyway, I clearly believe something.

Yes.

So I’m going to take it that this is a gift from God.

Yeah.

Okay.

I am incapable of understanding what it means or how it will help me, but I

must Cherish it.

So you don’t eat it?

No.

Okay.

I… My weirdest knowledge inside me to eat human flesh.

No, me too.

But an angel just gave me this thing.

I’m in church.

My first thought is, am I supposed to eat this?

Because maybe it gives me a superpower.

Maybe I get an expanded view of the universe.

I get a connection to Jesus that I never had before.

My honestly, if you gave me a tiny piece of meat from an angel, I’d be like,

I suppose I eat this now.

And then the apple is the eat the apple when you gain the knowledge that was

the bad thing.

But I was like, oh, I think I’m supposed to eat this tiny piece of meat.

And then I assume that’s wrong.

Yeah.

I think that’s wrong.

I’ve now just messed that up.

Okay.

Yeah.

You’re now dead.

So Pope Leo then says to…

Charlemagne setting up his coronation and he has Pope Leo come.

This is to, you know, mesh the church in the state.

He says, “Yu’lio is the name of a Pokemon.”

Is it really?

Well, I think it’s more like Pope Leo, but I’m pretty sure.

I’m not now like… That’s crazy.

A little seal.

He’s setting up.

Okay.

I didn’t know that.

So Pope Leo is supposed to put the crown on Charlemagne’s head.

As a thank you gift, Charlemagne gives Pope Leo the Holy Previous.

Oh.

So how do you feel about that?

I feel like if that was me, I wouldn’t have done that.

What would you mean?

It was given to me.

Yeah.

I would have crafted some special bag or something, kept it with me, wrapped

around my neck or something near my heart.

Yeah, okay.

I, for some reason kept thinking decorative

box, like a ring box and put it in that.

I imagine it is a little perfect ring, although I know it’s not the case.

But you could have made it kind of though.

Well, you could sit back.

I think I don’t know how they cut it off.

I do think they pull it and then just… Oh, did it snip it.

Yeah.

So then you could make a little ring finger ring out of it.

Yeah.

You make a little ring out of it or you could put it on a chain.

Maybe Charlemagne, like this is not me, I’m projecting onto him.

Maybe he thought it was a curse and he had to pass it on.

Ah.

Because my first thought was, if an angel gives you something, you should

not regift it.

That was my first thought.

As soon as I heard Charlemagne gave it to someone else, I was like,

“You get something from an angel or God, shouldn’t you keep it?”

Isn’t that the whole point?

Unless the angel said to him, “Give

this to Pope Leo, do something with this.”.

But there was no indication that anything

was said is the issue that I have, I think.

Again, biblical angels, they’re basically demons.

Yeah.

So he could have been like… So he should give her to this.

Yeah.

So he’s cursing the church at that point and that’s interesting.

Okay.

Maybe he thought I’m praying to God, but Satan answered.

Yeah, I guess if it’s got spider eyes and many faces and stuff,

it would be really hard for a human to tell the difference between an angel

and a demon.

As long as they were bright, you would think it was an angel.

Because then we’ve just been attuned to that.

Bright lights mean that it’s good.

Yeah, right.

Solid spotlight and you’re a good person.

Okay.

So that’s all we have, because that’s all the information they’re giving.

So if we take this story as fact, an angel came and gave Charlemagne a tiny

human foreskin.

He didn’t eat it.

He passed it on and that was like a good idea.

Yeah.

What do you think the point was?

Well, I’ve been getting it.

Yeah, like because they don’t explain what any of this means.

So it’s all supposition.

What do you think this really happened?

An angel came and gave him the Holy Peapus and then he passed it on.

What do you think the point of that was?

It’s hard, right?

I do not see the point of any of them.

Like, yeah, because I didn’t.

Yeah, again, maybe like this is from Jesus, God’s Son and any part of Him

grants you God’s grace.

So get rid of that as quick as possible.

Yeah.

That’s what I’ll pass it on to a man of God who will ensure that he will.

through his preachings and sermons keep everybody in line under my rule.

And then expand the empire.

Yeah.

I’ve given this this Pope like God’s

grace, which is something that he wants.

more than anything.

And I assume probably not though.

Probably wants money and power because let’s be real.

Yeah.

He ended up emperor not by accident.

Let’s put it that way.

Well, no, the Pope, I mean, you know, the Pope again, the emperor and the

Pope to me is like the same deal.

Same thing.

They just got there a slightly different route.

Okay, so then we look at the story again. So again, this was kind of the

initial premise of what the podcast what I wanted to do is look at the same

story again, but it’s all skeptical.

So we don’t believe in angels anymore.

Yeah.

We don’t believe in holy relics.

So basically we start out the story with Charlemagne wakes up.

He’s got to hang over and he’s got a human foreskin again.

Again.

Well, because I don’t think I don’t think if you end up with a human

foreskin, I don’t think it’s ever really going to be the first time that’s.

happened to you.

I mean, it has to be logistically.

Yes and no, because it’s clearly living a lifestyle.

Where he was in a foreskin, but you definitely had a piece of someone.

Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

So you wake up in the morning, you got a piece of human flesh.

And so my thinking was he has to get rid of it.

So he’s got to like defer suspicion.

He has to transfer anything that like people would be like, what are you

doing with this human foreskin or human flesh?

It has to get it off himself to make it

seem like he’s not guilty of something.

Such a small insignificant piece of flesh, though, right?

It’s a very weird one.

I think it’s because it’s one of the only ones that gets cut off of you

while you’re sort of young and innocent, though.

So that might be the reason why it kind of became a focus back then,

whereas now because of morals have

changed, we’re all like weirded out by it.

He’s drunk.

He’s clearly had some kind of wild night.

Have you ever woken up with a piece of human flesh?

Just once.

No, never.

Is that would be a wild night?

I’ve woken up with injuries.

I didn’t remember which is what’s going to be a missing flesh.

Yeah, yeah.

So someone else maybe has it.

Or it’s just left somewhere on the ground.

Most likely on a road, like it just fell.

So my thought was he wakes up with a human foreskin, a very small one,

which actually again, is also makes it more suspicious.

And he’s like, I got to come up with a

story that no one’s going to question.

And so logically speaking, if I say an angel gave me this,

no one can turn on and go, really?

Because now you’re questioning God.

So I immediately felt like this was just a cover story.

Yeah.

And then if he gives it to Pope Leo and says, this is Jesus’ foreskin.

Pope Leo can’t turn on and go, no, it’s not.

Because he doesn’t know.

And also he’s now again, the logic is like you wouldn’t question an angel

when it gave you the foreskin.

Therefore, Pope Leo wouldn’t question that an angel gave it to you.

because that would just be the same as questioning the angel.

Yeah.

And I’m not just some regular like nobody, Joe nobody.

Yeah.

Like I’m, I’m Charlemagne.

Yeah.

So he’s going to offload it onto the Pope.

Was my feeling.

And then like once the Pope has it, then it kind of is a holy relic

and I’ve covered my ass.

Yeah.

Although I think Charlemagne’s an idiot.

Like if I woke up with that, I would literally just Chuck it.

In the completely, I’m not even worried about it.

Yeah.

So the fact that the story exists to me tells me that something happened.

So Charlemagne had something that he gave to Pope Leo at the coronation.

that Pope Leo then took as being a holy relic.

But that to me, if you want to be super skeptical, something did happen.

Otherwise, the story would not, because if he did, I think it’s the same.

If I’m the almost emperor, people aren’t asking questions anyway.

So if I’m like killing people and stuff,

they’re like, oh, wow, that’s what kings do.

So you just huck it in their version of the toilet.

It’s probably just out on the street at that point.

So you just huck it out on the street.

And that’s it.

There’s no like CSI coming to check shit out.

Nope.

Oh, that’s what we should do.

We should make a middle ages CSI.

It would be so funny.

And then they’re walking around just like they look

in the room and go, well, I don’t see anything.

I guess we’re going.

Yeah.

There’s no one here.

He’s innocent.

And it’s just all criminals going, got away with it again.

Yeah.

So that does make me think though that there was a tiny human foreskin

somehow involved with Charlemagne during his coronation.

I don’t know.

So what do you think happened?

There’s the really the last piece of skepticism we can have is what do you

think actually have?

I think that there was a coronation we

know that Charlemagne gave Leo something.

We can maybe assume that that’s something looked like a foreskin.

What happened?

I don’t think it was even a foreskin.

I bet somebody like got drunk and went, oh,

but I can pull all the skin off my finger.

Ah, and then stripped of their de-gloved of their finger.

Yeah, they weren’t even drinking.

They were on like bath salts, was it right?

They’re version of bath salts.

Meth.

Yeah, they were basically on meth and not feeling anything.

I mean, I could see that.

Honestly, I could see that.

The holy pre-puse throughout history has

been stolen and recovered multiple times.

I don’t know if there’s an actual one, but

this is again, historically, I was thinking

this would either make a really good heist

movie or a really good video game where you

have to, but think about a video game.

It’s like an open world where you have to like retrieve holy relics.

Yeah, actually, we’re all weird ones.

Yeah, it gets ins and toenails.

Yeah, like you could get the weirdest ones and then it formulates into like

a big boss that you have to fight at the end.

You realize you have to have to fight your own God.

Oh, you’ve been putting it together.

Yeah.

And then you end up fighting the God

you’ve created would be really interesting.

No, it would be pretty interesting.

The thing I wrote down is the church was

concerned that maybe Jesus didn’t have 18

or so.

And so they were locked, they locked them away, but then apparently they’ve

been stolen multiple

times throughout history and then recovered.

18.

How many there are?

Well, I maybe just wrote that down.

That number is a joke.

That’s a joke.

But yeah, I mean, I think any number bigger than one.

Any number more than one is a lot of the poor skins to be honest.

If you want to, if it is a holy relic, maybe it can replicate itself.

Like again, we have to ascribe supernatural abilities to this holy thing.

Maybe Jesus just had one of them really long foreskins and then they cut it

and then the witch that we didn’t get enough

and then they cut it again and they went

still not enough.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that’s actually possible.

Yeah.

Like if he hadn’t been circumcised, I bet

you could fit like a stack of pennies on his.

foreskin.

In prison.

I forget which prisons.

There was a story I was reading the other day.

In prisons, there are guys and they’re putting, because in Thailand, they

used to put beads.

or like small marbles that used to surgically

implant them into their penises to make them.

ribbed for her pleasure.

Apparently, there’s some prison where they’re doing that with like bits they

find which can’t be safe.

Bits they find.

Yeah, like they will look at like they want to make their stuff ribbed.

But I’m just, it’s a prison.

So you know the story that dudes ask, “Oh God, yeah, I guess so.”

And that might be the last sentence of this podcast.

[Music].

5G Flat Coke

[Music].

So I saw him in a conversation with a coworker and he was about TikTok and.

his primary point was that he had heard there was a conspiracy theory.

that TikTok’s algorithm within China was designed to promote science and.

technology and knowledge and try to improve sort of the sense of what is.

cool is being knowledgeable and smart and you know functional in society.

whereas the algorithm in America was designed specifically to promote you.

know Booty shaking and dumb stuff the overall intent being that Chinese kids

grow up thinking that being smart is cool whereas American kids grow up

thinking being dumb is cool.

and I had heard that conspiracy theory before but it’s pretty easy to debunk

and the way you can debunk it is go look at the countries and the economics

and what it is to run an app.

so I want to make my video sharing app I’m a Chinese company I therefore

want to start in my home country I want to start making my app in China.

no basically every app in China is going to have to be approved by the

Chinese government the Chinese government is not going to approve an app.

that promotes deviant behavior and activity according to the government.

so your algorithm within China is going to have to promote stuff that the

Chinese government likes or the Chinese government is just not going to

approve your app now your app is proven to be very popular you want to

promote your app in America

you are restricted by the American government in the same way the American

government doesn’t tend to dictate what kind of comment content gets

promoted on your app you can promote anything you want so what you want to

do is promote what kids like in America

you promote what kids like what kids like well they like Booty shaking and

they like jackass dumb stuff and they like people getting hit in the nuts

that’s just the jackass stuff

they like pranks I mean these are kids in their dumb and they like dumb

stuff so you start promoting the dumb stuff so more kids get on your app and

they make more dumb stuff and the cycle continues indefinitely

so for each region you introduce your app to it would actually make sense to

have an algorithm designed to promote something within that region.

we all know that apps algorithms they’re specific to the individual like we.

did a little experiment in my office where everyone installed tiktok fresh

and we wanted to see how quickly it could figure out we were meant and start

like promoting basically girls to us

and it was really really quick because one of the interesting aspects of

tiktok is it has a couple of points of reference so like a post on Facebook.

really has how many people like it.

so it’s one point of reference tiktok keeps track very much so who likes it

who interacts with it how long people spend on the video so if it’s a 30

second video how do you watch the full 30 seconds do you see it and then

move on really quickly

do you watch multiple loops in the same video so let’s say there’s a really

attractive woman I’m going to end up watching

that loop let’s say three four times.

tiktok now has a sense that I like that woman so let’s find more women like

that and stick it on chunk of beef chest timeline he’s going to look at

those I didn’t even like it because I don’t want anyone to know that I like

women I don’t want people to know that I’m being creepy and old and looking

at these women

but tiktok knows that if they put the right woman in front of me I’m going

to watch that loop multiple times and that’s what they want they want you

stuck in their loop.

so the conspiracy theory aspect of this can actually be explained way by

economics the economics of running an app in China and the economics of

running an app in America are going to be totally different entities with

different possibilities and different things you can do to make the app

successful.

but within China you have to do these things to be successful otherwise the

Chinese government is going to shut down

your app you just won’t have an app anymore.

this led me on to thinking about other conspiracy theories and could they be

sort of more explained away by simple stuff.

and primarily when I was looking at conspiracy theories because if you go

search conspiracy you get the same like 10-15 so I’m really just going to

talk about those for a little bit.

the moon landing is the most famous conspiracy theory ever that the moon

landing was faked.

and the only problem I have with that so like the stuff they point out the

reflections this was on the soundstage

they don’t move right all this other stuff.

the issue I have with that is the sheer volume of people involved in that

level of conspiracy means there are that many people that would be leagues.

so the fact that so many people are involved so you have all the people are

in this case pretending to be technicians who

work for NASA which is maybe a fake agency.

you have all the people on the soundstage you have the actors themselves the

pretend astronauts you have all the people

who are filming stuff and making stuff

all the people who made all the stuff the engineers who made the fake ship.

that fake shot off into space.

all of those people like we’re talking now hundreds and hundreds and

hundreds of people none of them leaked it none of them brought out

definitive proof that the moon landing was fake.

all of it comes from documentary evidence so like I have this picture and I

found this one thing in this picture that convinces me that’s not real

but I’m not saying that humanity is moral but there is a certain amount of

people who would be like this is hard for me to live with and now we’re

getting to the point where a lot of the

people who were involved in that project.

they’re getting old and they’re gonna die there’s no reason for them to hide

anymore I’m gonna be dead in five years I mean the government can’t come

after me and kill me if you think the conspiracy goes that far.

there’s absolutely no reason for me not to just tell the truth before I die

and they’re not doing that none of the astronauts have come forward and do

that none of the engineers have come forward and do that none of the people

who are working on the supposed soundstage have done that.

all those people are just keeping their mouth shut and it just doesn’t make

sense anymore because living with that

lie the entirety of your life is a burden

and someone sooner or later statistically is going to have that burden is

going to be too much for them and they would crack and since that’s not

happening that in itself convinces me it is more likely that it really

happened than not I’m not saying it did or didn’t

but I’m thinking it’s more likely it did happen secondary to that there’s

all the technology that we’ve got gained from all the stuff they’ve used to

design spaceships and living on spaceships and stuff like Velcro

is one of the more classic examples but why do we have Velcro because they

needed something that would hold stuff down in space and you couldn’t you

know tape everything to everything it would be too wasteful to do too.

difficult Velcro is a product of the space program

now that could also have been developed by people on the ground but why why.

go through the effort of developing Velcro if you’re not actually going to

use it in space.

so then I got into some other I have three more so I thought it would be

more fun to do when covid was introduced to the world it’s now three to four

years ago so I remember reading about it four years ago and then it came to

Japan where I live and it was a problem.

covid kills old people and it’s not you know designed to do that is this old

people have weaker immune systems the more

susceptible to disease that kind of stuff.

covid could be quite rough if you had underlying conditions which old people

are those underlying conditions are more likely to exist.

but the conspiracy theory in Japan was that covid was designed by the

government to kill off all the old people so

they wouldn’t have to pay out the pension.

so that the the this would basically essentially save the economy in Japan

and across Asia there are like too many China and Japan are all suffering

from low birth rates they have more old people than young people

this is going to be more of more of a burden on health care on the pension

it causes a lot of problems because you need young people to support old

people and we just don’t have enough people to do that so one solution

create a disease that doesn’t have a big impact on young people

and will actually kill off old people and off you go you have your new

conspiracy theory that falls apart to me only because pretty much every

disease just the flu

the cold the common cold any disease you come up with is going to kill old

people in larger numbers than young people so you don’t need a conspiracy

theory to explain why that’s happening is this older people are more

susceptible to diseases.

that’s just the problem with getting old one of the ones that came out

was 5G towers so the introduction of 5G was around the same time as covid.

this would cause covid I found that interesting because a lot of the people

who were saying 5G causes covid were also the people who were saying that

covid doesn’t exist so they had the little

sort of dichotomy issue in their thinking.

because they were saying that covid is not a thing but then 5G causes covid

so either those people hated each other because one of them saving covid is

real but 5G is causing it

the other group is saying that covid is not real at all it’s just a fake I

had someone come at me on Twitter for a video I did talking about covid and

they said it’s just a flu

I’m like well you could actually say yes covid is just a flu but it’s a flu

that’s more communicable it’s a flu that kills more people.

so I mean calling it just a flu doesn’t reduce the number of deaths as a

result of this just a flu.

but the interesting idea that 5G towers were causing covid because the 5G

towers undermine your immune system

I was just sitting there going wanting like I don’t see how those waves do.

it like I guess I don’t know I’m a little stuck on that one.

because they never explained how the 5G towers are weakening your immune

system they were just this is one of the problems with conspiracies in

general is the lack of specificity

is they’re saying a causes b and if you ask how does a cause b they can’t.

answer so I can’t argue the point because I don’t have enough knowledge of

how the points are supposed to be connected

I don’t have enough knowledge of science to be able to explain away the.

thing they’re saying I know I’ve had 5G in

my pocket for years and years and years

and I don’t believe it’s affected my immunity or maybe I’m particularly

robust or who knows what happened there

they then took it a step farther and said the vaccine so 5G is causing covid

so that you have to get the vaccine

so the vaccine will have a tracking implant in it that will then go into

your body so the government can track you

the government can already track you there’s no reason to put 5G chips into.

your body and they can track you because you have a smartphone.

if you’re reading like these a lot of this stuff comes

from Twitter if you’re reading this stuff on Twitter.

you’re probably reading people who have posted this stuff from their phone

is very likely I mean maybe they have a

computer and stuff but people have computers

they probably have smartphones too smartphones have GPS the government of

almost every country the companies that make these smartphones they can turn

on the GPS whenever they want and find you

and the fact is everyone who has a smartphone is carrying around that

smartphone 99% of the time maybe you don’t have it on you when you sleep is

probably right next to your bed

which means the government knows when

you’re in bed sleeping very interesting

sidebar is in Japan they have love hotels love hotels are where couples go.

to have personal relationships which is fine

it primarily was set up because a lot of young people don’t have apartments

they live with their parents and stuff like that.

which causes issues when you want to get intimate with your partner maybe

you have a family and you have grandparents and kids in the same house and

it’s not conducive to a romantic relationship

you can go to a love hotel of course these are also used by a lot of people

who cheat on a lot of other people.

so those are dead zones when it comes to cellular things so basically my

phone will not track me if I go into a love hotel

but I actually think that’s just as bad because if suddenly I’m in the area

of a love hotel and my phone signal

drops out for let’s say two or three hours

and then my signal picks up again two three hours later as I walk away from

the area with the love hotel in it

I think that’s telling you all the information you need technically it’s not

a lie it’s a lie of a mission which is a very interesting kind of lying to

do or kind of interversion block so if you

go to court you can say this is just saying

that I was not being tracked it doesn’t say I was in a love hotel

so how can you you can’t draw that conclusion but I think any logical person

can draw the conclusion if you’re in a dead zone and that dead zones only in

a love hotel for two hours

we know exactly where you are and we can

therefore extrapolate what you were doing

the chips there is no chips small enough to

go through the head of a needle right now

then I know but of course conspiracy theorists will say that that’s been

developed maybe the vaccine itself is some kind of nanotechnology

I’ll give them that I’ll be fine with that but there’s no need to go to that

extreme if you have a cell phone in your pocket

and any government agency can just be like please show us where that person

is this with his phone number and they can show it’s in this car driving it

this fast at this area.

we’ve just pinged it off three self-towers we triangulated this position we

now know exactly where that person is oh wait they’re in a dead zone they’re

probably in that love hotel

so it was the fact that it’s not necessary so I believe in laziness of human

nature we’re going to actually not find the most efficient way to do

something because it’s the most efficient way.

we’re going to find the most efficient way to do something because we don’t

want to do that much work

why go through the trouble of creating 5G that creates corona virus that

means people then have to get a vaccine that you can then inject a tracking

system into when you can just track their phones

there might be a few people who don’t have phones but we have surveillance

systems everywhere I do Ninja News

Japan and on Ninja News Japan regularly I.

talk about a crime and the crime was solved by just following the person who

committed the crime.

on by tracking them on surveillance video so they go from place to place to

place there’s a camera here camera in the subway camera at this door

and then the police just follow them all the way home and then they show up

they’re housing go like high you’re under arrest.

you don’t need to inject people to keep track of them it’s actually very

easy to keep track of people already.

which takes us to sort of one of the bigger ones the flat earthers now flat

earthers I’m not going to get too harsh on flat earthers I do find it

difficult to accept that every planet in

the solar system is a globe except earth.

that’s the bit that that would be my sticking point as a non flat earther is

like if you’re going to convince me you have to convince me why everything

else is a globe and this is not a globe

because that in itself doesn’t make sense to me but flat earthers there’s a

large group of them who do not believe Australia exists

and this is related to the previous 5G corona virus injecting you with a

vaccine to track you why are you making it that complicated so I’m making my

conspiracy theory

I’m making my conspiracy we’re going to try to convince everyone that the

world is round so the world is actually

flat we’re going to like give you that

we’re going to take the time to convince everyone the world is round what

we’re going to do is add into that roundness an entire continent of people to.

just add that layer of complication to our conspiracy theory which that part

makes no sense to me

so the flat earthers will tell you that Australia doesn’t exist if you meet

someone who’s taken a trip to Australia

what they’ve done is gotten an airplane flown around in a circle in the air.

then landed like somewhere in Texas where

every Australian person they meet as an actor

and then the question comes up again this hits the two points that we’ve hit

previously why why would I make it that complicated if I was going to

convince you the world was round.

I would just not include Australia it would just be easier to not have to

make a place where we have to fly everyone

to convince them the world is round

and I don’t see how having Australia makes you think the world is rounder

than a world without Australia in it.

and then we get to the same thing is the fake moon landing the sheer volume

of people so you need all the people who are in Texas pretending to be

Australian you need all the pilots all the people who work for airlines all

the people who do like engineering and stuff who organize all this stuff you

need all the cartographers

and all those people now we’re talking like I would say probably millions of

people need to all be included and agree with the conspiracy theory to hide

the fact that the earth is round and be tried to convince everyone that a

place called Australia exists when it doesn’t

I don’t see the benefit to that and I don’t see why no one over time would

crack like there’s been no one who works in cartography who goes oh you know

what I just put Australia down it was pretty awesome that day

there’s no there’s no pilots have come forward and said yeah I just flew

around in a circle for 14 hours and landed in Texas and everyone in this one

town in Texas uses an Australian accent which is why the Australian accent

is so ridiculous in the first place because

it’s not real it’s just been made up

the sheer volume of people who need

to be complicit makes it unreasonable so.

that is kind of my sticking point when you get to a saturation point of

numbers is when a conspiracy theory starts to fall apart

because some of those numbers would come forward sooner or later I’m not

saying right away but they would come forward sooner or later in an attempt

to say like look I’m now 80 years old I was part of the moon landing I was

part of like making a post

Australia I’m going to tell you the truth because I’m going to die in two

years and it doesn’t matter anymore and I think the world should know the

truth that has not happened in any real way.

we get one more conspiracy theory and it’s a little lighter one which I’m

glad because I didn’t want to end off with flat earth and COVID.

is new coke so for a while I think it was the 80s Coca-Cola corporation had

coke and then they made new coke and the conspiracy theory is they purposefully

made an inferior product to kind of wash away the memory of how good.

coke was.

so that later on they could reintroduce coke classic with cheaper

ingredients and a therefore cheaper products but then everyone would like it

better because they’re comparing it to

new coke which went away a few years later.

the only reason I actually don’t believe that conspiracy theory is because

the president of coke coke corporation came forward and said we are neither

that stupid nor that smart

so as an advertising campaign to tank your own products that you could then

bring back your previous product at a cheaper price is a stroke of genius

because when everyone’s clamoring for all you know I like coke I’m the new

coke is not as good I would love coke classic we bring back coke classic at

the same price but it’s a little cheaper but now it’s been a year

I don’t remember what coke classic tastes like I’m just happy to have my.

coke classic back that’s a genius piece of marketing and he said just quite

frankly we’re not that smart but also the risk you would have to take to.

tank your own product and then know it’s going to be successful.

he said we’re also not that stupid and I agree with those both those points.

so only get to conspiracy theories.

I would actually say economics is really the thing that’s going to explain

whether it’s really not the economics of tick talk explain exactly why the

algorithm is different in different regions

I think there’s probably an Asian tick talk there’s a Chinese one

specifically because they have their internal Internet there’s an American

one probably America’s they probably they have their own algorithm

and that has nothing to do with the conspiracy theory to promote science in

China and degrade the western demon it’s just because we have to make the

Chinese government happy to sell our product and we have to make American

youth happy to sell our product

the moon landing again the sheer volume would be the first problem the

volume of people involved but also economically it doesn’t really make sense

to fake the moon landing like there’s no benefit to it that is so beyond

other than like we have gone to another planet.

there’s no value in that other than like is the again the moon landing was a

significant event and then people go like why hasn’t it been replicated but

hasn’t been replicated because there’s not that much there there’s nothing

to go get like if they found something worth bringing back I guarantee you

would have gone back a million times

it just turns out that it’s a big rock with not much on it

COVID designed to kill off people in Asia it hasn’t solved the problem so it

wasn’t successful so as a conspiracy theory I found that one really

interesting but it didn’t really do the thing it was supposed to do it’s

certainly not in the numbers not enough to actually change the economy in

Japan and other Asian countries.

tracking people there’s no reason to economically go through all that effort

like to create the vaccine with the tracking stuff in it why go through that

much money when you can just track people on their cell phones.

Japan probably much like America has like a 60 70 80% saturation rate with

their smartphones like Japan’s like 80 or 90 with phones and like 60% of

those are smartphones.

it’s just way cheaper to actually like people are already carrying a

tracking device around their pocket why would we go invent another one.

Flat Earth one again money why would we spend that much money creating a

system to to create a fake Australia when we don’t have to.

and then the effort involved doesn’t make any sense and then new coke I

think he explains it yeah we’re not that smart we’re also not that stupid

hopefully you’re not that smart and you’re not that stupid that you fall for

any of these conspiracy theories.

[Music].

Alien Caveman Finale

(upbeat music)

So, there are three chapters left.

So I believe we are at the end of caveman aliens,

ransom, a Sci-Fi, BBW, alien faded mates, romance, I believe.

I don’t know how many times I’ve done this now.

So there’s been 14 months.

So a year every month, I’ve been reading chapters of this book.

And I have to say, I did not enjoy any of this sex.

I did enjoy the world building.

I didn’t really enjoy the characters that much.

Dialogue’s pretty weak.

But I got into it.

So here we are, chapter 28.

I think 29 30.

What’s the situation?

Summary, the final summaries, the ladies were taken

from their university where they were working

on translation device, transported through space

where they tried to take over the ship,

failed miserably, were dropped on a planet.

The planet had dinosaurs, kind of, alien dinosaurs.

They were all looking for food.

Sophia, our main character, falls into a river

that makes you drunk, gets, falls down like a waterfall

into a cave where she meets a man, alien man,

who is jacked on steroids, has tiger stripes on him

and red eyes that are sexy as hell apparently.

He also has two penite, a big one

and a little one that looks like a sex toy.

He decides, this is the fruit, there are no women on this planet.

They reproduce by putting their genetic material

into a plant and growing essentially clones.

They did not get specific as to how they

put their genetic material into the plant.

I believe they have sex with the plant.

He tries to wake her up by performing oral sex on her.

She says it’s really good, but then goes, “Hey, you shouldn’t do that.”

They hang out for a bit, they get down and they knock boots.

They start, he’s like, “Hey, come back to my village.”

He’s like, “I gotta help my friends.”

She goes back to her friends, they go to the village,

she goes to the village, they meet again,

they knock boots again, it’s really good apparently.

They get to the village and then the priest of the village

is like, “Whoa, she’s the mother for told in her prophecy.”

Those other women are on our sacred ground

and either they come down and be our sex slaves or we kill them.

This view is like, “Hell no!”

So then she gets put in prison while

they try to figure out what to do with her.

Unknown stranger puts a ladder because it’s just like a big hole.

Put a ladder in the prison, she crawls out

and then works her way back to her friends.

She only knows one person on the planet,

so it was pretty clear who it was from the beginning to me,

but they tried to make that in mystery,

which was a good effort, but pretty much a failure.

They get back to the container that was

dropped on the planet with all the women in.

They’re all overjoyed to see each other

and then these things, they’re calling them not Dakto’s,

they’re taradactyl giant bird dinosaur

things are coming in and going to attack

and they were gonna kill Sophia and

then a whirling blade of madness came out

and started cutting stuff up.

That was Jackson.

Our heroes love interest.

The hero being Sophia, in this case, heroin.

I actually, you know, I don’t see heroes

being gendered, so I’m sure I’m wrong.

But our hero love interest, Jackson came in and he’s, (imitates gunfire)

he’s cutting them all up and shit, but he’s getting tired and she’s like,

I have to go back, I have to help.

So, let us make this happen.

Chapter 28, Sophia.

I hiss and curse and scramble and try to claw my way to the door,

but not have to help him, but the

other girls hold me back until I calm down.

There’s nothing you can do, someone says into my ear.

We have no weapons.

She had a gun, she’s used it all.

Good stuff.

You’ll just get it his way.

I realize that it’s true and I take a deep shaking breath

and try to keep from breaking down into a screaming heap,

a sore, sob forces its way out of me.

As my world is filled with black despair,

still I notice that the girls are filled with something else.

God, that’s him, that’s her boyfriend.

Fuck, he’s hot, okay, pause.

You are in a container that is being attacked by dinosaurs.

You are all under the threat of death.

You may notice that he’s a very attractive man.

You are not going to start having conversation about it.

You are going to be in stiff silence,

you’re going to be stunned, you’re going to be shocked.

Okay, then the next sentence makes though.

Are they all like him?

So like can I get one too?

He just chopped off its head with a single slice.

I’ve never seen anyone jump that high.

Yeah, the other girls saw him too.

For the first time I realized I can just shake my head.

They’re definitely not all like him, not at all.

No one’s not like him in the whole universe.

I can hear the screeching from the knot ductiles outside.

I clamp my hands over my ears.

And then the whole tuna can’t reverberate

with a bang, so loud, Caroline loses her balance.

It falls on her butt.

We stare at each other.

What the hell?

Then there’s another bang and another.

And I realize that the walls of the tuna

can are getting dented from the outside.

The dents protrude into the can.

They’re big and pointy.

Like, dactyl beaks.

They’re trying to break into someone whispers.

Shit, I wonder if it’ll hold together.

It did go through space.

I’m pretty sure I can handle a dinosaur.

We sit in a huddle on the floor and hug each other.

Looking up at the ceiling, we’re more and more dense

and more performing with loud rattling bangs.

It’s like being inside a huge drum when

someone’s throwing large rocks at it.

The gun is empty, I whisper, unnecessarily in a sore throat.

Do we have any Spears?

Just this or a whole set of stick that’s only the size of a pool cue.

But I think it’s pretty much worse than nothing.

Roll and window.

Okay.

The tuna can is now reverberating constantly

with bangs and the dactyls are definitely sitting

on top of it and pecking hard at the metal.

Many new dents develop.

The sound is taking on a strange sound

as if the metal is starting to give in

that a streak of daylight appears in the ceiling.

That’s a whole, somebody says.

It’s not holding.

Fuck, this can’t be good.

All that exposition, I know it’s only four lines, completely unnecessary.

Everyone would understand.

But I feel a calmness come over me.

I’m pretty sure Jaxon is dead.

Those dactyls are fierce and there were hundreds of them.

He can’t defeat them all.

This whole thing is just no good outcome for me.

Because it’s time to get real.

We have no way to get off the planet.

The plude aren’t going to come back and get us again.

Even if we survive this, we’ll be killed by something sooner or later.

And this being eaten by dinosaurs is probably

better than being kept as a sex slave

by a stone age tribe.

And better than being sacrificed and better than being slowly killed by one.

This is a very long sentence.

And better than being slowly killed one after the other

by a various horrors of this planet.

Maybe dying like this isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

At least we’ll die together.

In reality, we were dead the moment we were kidnapped from Earth.

I’ve known it all along.

I just haven’t admitted it to myself.

Don’t worry, girls.

I say I can hear the flatness of my voice.

This is all going to be OK.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay in care.

Fuck.

The entirety of this book.

She’s taken on a role of the happy, go lucky girl.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay

in character as the cheerful one to the end.

No one replies.

They probably think I’ve gone crazy.

There’s a horrendous metallic shriek

as a portion of the roof is being rolled and ripped off.

Along beak dips down.

We all squeal and bunch together up to the wall by the door.

Other parts of the roof are breaking down too.

And pieces of the metal are torn off the top.

Like an actual tuna can, can.

Tuna can being attacked by a maniac with a blunt knife in each hand.

Pointy, not dactyl snouts with terrible teeth are being stuck in from above.

Now we can smell them too.

It’s a smell like rotting meat and sulfur.

I think this is it, girls.

The deliost says calmly.

We deserved an end better than this.

But for what it’s worth, it’s been a pleasure working

with all of you because they’re not in the military.

They can’t say serve.

So it’s been a pleasure working with all of you.

We all look to each other.

It’s hopeless, but we face certain deaths so many times now

that we just don’t have many more fucks to give.

We clutch each other’s hands, slender, dirty, sore,

and bruised hands that were used for lifting coffee mugs

and using cell phones and writing on computer keyboards.

But then had to do a very different things on this planet.

I’m proud of us.

I think we’ve done really well.

Even if it ends like this, damn right.

It’s been an honor, guys.

Thanks for everything, ladies.

We’re the best fucking tribe on this shitty planet.

The best by far, I heard the other ones.

I don’t even have– I heard the other ones don’t even have women.

Fuck this useless planet.

And it’s pitiful, loser kidnappers that dumped us here.

I’d like to see anyone else do this after us.

Earth, girls, rule.

Thanks, guy.

Fuck this is some painful dialogue.

They could have had someone give sort

of a mini-month-a-log to three sentences.

And then they all just kind of agree would have been more impactful.

The dialogue in this has been rough.

It’s been hit and missed.

Sometimes it’s pretty good.

Sometimes it’s pretty bad.

This to me is bad.

I don’t think this is– I am very big on if I’m writing a serious

story, how would people actually talk?

And a lot of times in these kind of situations,

they just wouldn’t say anything at all.

So that’s what you have to go with.

They certainly wouldn’t have a line for everyone that they pass around.

Something makes me get to my feet, and

the girls are looking at me in puzzlement.

My knees are weak.

My movements are jerky with fear.

But I know what to do.

Jaxana’s alone out there.

He has to be dead already.

But I want to go to him.

No, I need to go to him.

I will die holding around his dead body.

It’s right.

You know, I’m not sitting here like a trapped rat just waiting

for a damn-not-dacto to decide to eat me.

Gun or not, I’m going out fighting.

I slapped the door button and step outside.

That’s pretty cool.

Now, she says she’s going to go out and die holding her lover’s body.

I’m OK with that.

She says she’s going to go out fighting.

I think it would be worth to go out fighting.

This is a classic.

OK.

There’s tons of movies where they have

the guy with a gun and a guy without a gun.

And they say dig a hole.

And it’s clearly that he’s digging a grave for himself.

And when he’s dig onto a certain point, the guy shoots him.

And he falls down dead in the hole.

I’ve always thought in that moment, I’m going to die anyways.

I don’t want to die digging my own hole.

So since I’m going to die anyways, it would be worthwhile

to attack the man with the gun and give it a shot.

Because if I lose, he’s going to kill me.

But then he has to dig the hole.

If I win, I don’t have to dig a hole.

So regardless of result, I am plus not digging a hole.

Whereas that guy is 100% digging a hole or dying.

So it’s kind of win-win even if you lose.

She’s kind of got the same philosophy.

She’s like, I’m going to die.

I might as well die on my own terms.

This is how I’m going to do it.

I got some respect for Sophia.

Chapter 29.

Sophia.

I just, just as I exit the tuna can, all the not-dactals

take off and soar into the sky.

More like a flock of giant starlings than a swarm of deadly predators.

I can’t count the not-dactals lying dead on the ground.

They’re too big.

They’re probably at least 20.

The rest are now flying off fast into the distance.

Weird.

I hadn’t noticed that they hadn’t stopped attacking at the roof.

I peer skeptically up to the sky.

But it actually does look like they’re all leaving.

Probably they’re not used to the resistance.

And certainly not the resistance, Jackson must have given them.

But where is he?

A huge not-dactal carcass strut.

The huge not-dactal carcass strut, strune

everywhere, and make it hard to find him.

But then I finally see him.

And my hands go to my mouth.

Oh my god.

He’s on his knees.

And his sword is on the ground.

He’s bleeding profusely from many cuts and slashes

in irregular wounds that I realize are not dactyl bites taken out of him.

I run over with a panic, rising once more.

Jackson.

He raises his head and says something.

But I don’t have the translator.

And I don’t know what he’s saying.

The blood is dripping from him, and already

collecting a black puddle under him.

Hell by scream towards the tuna can’t,

because this is more than I can handle on my own.

I never expected him to still be alive.

I see the girls looking out and up to make sure the not-dactals are gone.

And then Delia and Heidi come running.

Is he OK?

Shit.

He chased them away.

That’s insane.

I realize that any place is as good as the other right now.

And we can treat him right here in the shade,

finding him alive, reignites the hope in me.

We need something he can lie down on.

The bandages rip up lab coats into long strips

and take care of him while I go and find herbs.

We have to stop that bleeding and maybe prevent infection, too.

I run into the woods to where I know there

are many different bushes and plants and herbs.

I’m still choked up with fear for Jackson.

I have to stop or slow the bleeding somehow.

If he has internal injuries, I don’t think there’s much I can do.

I find the herbs and I know I know we’ll clean the wounds.

It hopefully helps slow the bleeding.

And if I pick every leaf of it, I find the herbs I know

will clean the wounds and hopefully help slow the bleeding.

And I pick every leaf of it.

I can find and I run back to Jackson half

expecting him to be dead on the ground.

He’s on the ground but he’s still alive and

even smiling with a face that’s so pale,

I feel my face crunch up in fear because his blood loss scares me.

But if there was ever a time when I should

be happy, go lucky, this is it, fuck you.

I use two rocks to mash the various herbs into a green, fresh smelling paste

and gently apply it to the biggest wounds.

Caroline and Amelia bring one of the permanent mattresses

they’ve made for themselves to sleep on.

Jackson slowly shifts his position so he can lie down.

He says something with a smirk and I know he’s making a joke.

Black humor.

That scares me too.

He knows this is bad.

Caroline goes back to the tuna can to boil water

and Amelia goes to get water for him to drink.

What can I do, Aurora asks?

I show her the medicinal plants.

Get more herbs like this.

She runs into the woods.

Heidi runs over with a lab coat then starts

ripping it up and carefully puts strips

on the wounds that we’ve put the herb paste on.

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but I never saw a guy that fuck off.

But I never saw a guy this totally jacked

and they have a huge gym in his village.

In the moment of crisis, you would not say this.

You might think it, you would not say it.

You certainly would not ask the fucking question.

I glance up at her.

I’m not really in the mood to chit chat.

Not that I know of.

I think maybe they’re born pretty strong and

then their lives make them even stronger.

But not all of them are this muscular fuck off.

She lowers her voice conspiratorally.

So did you, you know?

This is degraded the value of everything I’ve done previously.

Because they’ve now descended into junior high school level sex talk

while a man is bleeding to death in front of them.

And a man that the main character supposedly loves.

So this would not happen.

This whole thing I’m reading right now

is incredibly disappointing because this would not happen.

I know perfectly well, but she’s going to have to spell it out

if she wants to be a fuck off.

You wouldn’t even extend it.

You would just say not now.

Did I what?

You know, you and him.

I mean, there’s no women in his tribe

and he looks like this probably had to be tempting to hook up, right?

I mash up more of the herbs despite everything Heidi’s light tone

about a not vital topic is actually is actually purking me up.

There’s been too much life or death stuff lately, probably.

So did you hook up?

I can’t help a little smirk play around my mouth.

Some hooking may or may not have taken place.

(sighs)

This would be appropriate.

If you would take care of sort of the immediate trauma care

and he was like sleeping gently and

then you start talking after, this is fine.

The fact that they’re doing it now completely doesn’t make sense.

She grins, oh my God, I knew it.

Is he like the other guys I mean down there because he’s only wearing a kilt

and I can see like straight up.

Yes, I get it, I say before she can go on.

No, not exactly like the other guys or earth guys, I guess.

It’s a little different there in a good way.

It feels totally inappropriate to talk about these intimate matters

with him right there, correct?

But I’m kind of bursting with pride, incorrect.

And he can’t understand what we’re saying anyways.

And he’s breathing easier now.

He still pale as a sheep but he’s tougher than anyone has a right to be.

And now I actually have some hope that he’ll pull through.

In a good way I confirm and smile at the memory

actually in the best way you can imagine and then some hidey is impressed.

Oh my God, and he has a body like this and he’s totally confident

and defeats a million of dactyls all alone.

Does he have a breath?

Does he have a brother?

I think this second last chapter may ruin the whole thing for me

if they keep this shit up.

If they do like three more four more chapters of this shit, I’m done.

Well, I mean, I’m done anyways, but I mean,

you’re ruining my memory of what the bits I’ve enjoyed by this.

This is like when you watch a movie

and you watch like a second or third movie

and then it ruins the first movie.

This last chapter is ruining previous chapters.

Does he have a brother?

I lift a heavy arm and apply more green paste.

It looks like his tiger stripes are much harder and resilient

than the ordinary skin around them.

Like he’s wearing natural armor if he survives, that’s what saved him.

I don’t think they have those.

They’re all clones.

How do you gasp, you say?

They’re clones.

So there could be many, just like this one.

Millions, like those from Star Wars.

(exhaling)

The pain I’m experiencing right now is visceral.

Not as far as I know, I think he’s the only one who’s just like this.

Oh well, even so, heck, forget the brother, I’ll just sell for a cousin

or even acquaintance of this guy.

This is gross.

Like this is actually gross.

Emile comes over with water and sucks on drinks, greedily.

It occurs to me that he’s probably just like that.

Juicy gave me.

He probably brought his bag, large green thing made of dinosaur skin.

I’ll find it Emile says that hesitates.

Is he okay?

Down there I mean, with his killed thing.

Why is everyone just fucking looking in his deck?

Stop it.

I mean, with that killed thing, I can see

pretty much everything and it looks kind of.

He’s fine, I state.

He’s an alien, just a little different.

All right, she looks up and down appreciatively

and then gives me a guilty little smile and something.

So suddenly, all these women are just fucking horn dogs.

It’s, yeah, no, they’re gross.

This group of scientists, intelligent scientists women are gross.

Or a return returns with two fistfuls of herbs and starts mashing it all up.

We’re running out of bandages and Jackson looks like

a character of a patient from the world’s least competent hospital.

All the herbs have stopped most of the bleeding and he is still awake.

In media, Emile finds his bag and brings

it over and Caroline brings hot water.

We clean the blood off him.

Well, Jackson wordlessly offers each of us a drink

from his canteen before he’ll take as much of a sit for himself.

He’s so selfless and noble.

I just give, give in and fall back into the unhappy certainty of love.

Right there and then, because what more

can I, can he do to prove himself to me?

Not that I needed much proof in the first place.

I’ll tell him that in some time.

She was looking for like judgment earlier though.

So I’m not a big fan of that.

We carefully clean him and I notice the

girls are taking some joy and it fuck you.

They can care for someone else for a change.

Someone who pretty much has to be the game changer for us.

Because with Jackson on our side, everything looks much brighter.

Well, almost everything.

I don’t think he can help us get back to Earth.

Jackson is remarkably calm.

And patient while we finish with him as well as we can.

Of course, it’s the first time he’s being cared for by women.

He’s probably pretty pleasant for him despite the wounds and the blood loss.

Despite the wounds and the blood loss, he’s

sitting up with his back against the tree,

the center of attention of six young women.

He seems to take to that like a fish to water.

He suddenly rummages through his bag and

takes out a translator and hands it to me.

He could only wants to say something.

I turn on the device and kneel down beside him.

He’s pale still.

And I’m sure he’ll continue to be for a while.

But his voice is strong and his deep is ever.

He says something.

It sounds like a question.

For some reason, I know what it is.

It’s like a bright light goes off in my soul.

And the day gets brighter.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

I guess my first problem with that is,

does this alien culture of all men have a concept of marriage?

Maybe the men pair off with other men, but they’re fucking plants.

So maybe they pair off with plants, which seems unlikely.

So if they have marriage, there probably

is marriage between two men who like,

I’m not even making it sexual.

If they just love each other and want to be together

and support each other, they could have marriage.

But because the women have been prophesized in their religion,

it may be included in their religion.

So I would like a little explanation of that,

but we’ll not worry about that right now.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

Sherbs, I look into his eyes, so alien.

But at the same time, the most human man I’ve ever met.

And I know just enough of his language

to reply proper– I fucked up the response.

And I know just enough of his language to reply properly.

Tall.

Yes, the translator speaks.

And I hear the girls around us gasping.

There’s nothing to wonder about.

That would have been my answer since, oh, about day two of knowing him.

He saved my life too many times to count.

That should not be the foundation for a marriage.

Saving someone’s life, the adrenaline and stuff,

that is not a solid foundation for a marriage.

He’s kind and is honorable and intelligent and strong

and calm with a glint in those alien eyes.

He makes love like a champ.

And I love him.

Some of those attributes do make for a good marriage.

Some of them do not.

He loves me too.

He left his tribe and he’s standing on there for Bitten Boone to protect me.

I have a feeling that act will cost him dearly.

Yes, of course I will marry him right now, right here,

in the jungle, wearing dinosaur skins, not

having seen a bottle of shampoo for weeks.

I don’t care about the wedding, being everything I dreamed

it would be, I just want to be married to Jaxson.

He takes my hand and squeezes it in his large, calloused one.

The girls let us gaze into each other’s eyes for a minute

before they start whispering very loudly behind me.

Did she just agree to marry that guy?

I had no idea aliens even got married.

Are we sure it was Sophia?

He asked.

It could have been any one of us, technically.

Did she?

With that guilt, he’s rocking.

I can totally see most of.

Is she just, does she know what she’s doing?

She totally hooked up with him and he’s super spectacular, she says.

They all gasp and go quiet, stunned by the revelation.

My voice has just gone valley girl.

Fuck, Caroline says it last.

If they’re all like that, maybe we should just become sex slaves after all.

Oh, that’s an awful line.

That is, that is actually awful.

I mean, you’ve, again, you’ve taken the honor and the

nobility of these women and just desecrated it as much as you can.

I finally collect my thoughts enough to sit down beside Jaxon.

I kiss him on the lips and I feel that they’re pretty cold.

I don’t know how long it will take for him to recover from the blood loss,

but he’ll make it.

He’s strong as fuck.

I squeeze his hand.

I didn’t know you’d even hurt a marriage.

I mean, you’re all males.

Oh, there you go.

This, okay, so this, this is the stuff that

boys me up in this story, which is, again,

a shocking roller coaster of emotions.

I asked the question a page later, talking

about the very thing I was talking about.

Do you marry each other maybe?

She, he smiles, tired but happy.

The tribe remembers the life before the women disappeared.

A man and a woman could get married and live together forever.

Now we have difficulties imagining the life that perfect.

Some say it was a fantasy, a fairy tale, something that never happened, but

I remembered it just now and it seemed like the most natural thing to ask.

Is there a ritual or something?

I mean, on Earth, we have all kinds of

traditions that you have to get married.

I’m sure there is.

The shaman has rituals for everything,

but I don’t think he will help us with it.

I doubt I’m still a member of the tribe after stepping on sacred boon.

I nod.

A man like him won’t try to conceal something like that.

He will live the consequences of his actions.

Well, for what it’s worth, you’re more

than welcome to be a member of our tribe.

Right, girls?

They all agree enthusiastically.

See, we’re the best tribe here too.

I’d love to get married pretty soon, but it’s not like we can find a

minister or a judge to officiate anyways.

And that shaman world, we’re all quiet for a moment.

Then Caroline looks around and this little

raises her hand like she’s in the class.

I think maybe I can.

We all look at her and I raise an eyebrow.

You can?

Well, I don’t know about here, but I can in New Jersey.

I got a license to marry people so I could wed my parents.

That sentence has weird implications, but okay.

Like, if you read it wrong, it’s like, “I married you.”

You need my parents.

We all stare.

Caroline shuffles her feet and continues quickly because my parents lived

together like common

law couple, but they had a really great and loving relationship and kids and

everything.

So one day I asked why they weren’t married and they say they just haven’t

fought about it.

And then I said, “They should get married

because they might as well at this point.”

And they said, “Okay, you want that?

Then how about you wed us?”

So we waited until I turned 18 and then I applied for a license and I got it

and then I officiated and we were married.

It’s official too.

A spark of happiness flies through my mind.

This is a nice surprise for once.

Will you marry us, Caroline?

I mean, wed us?

Shit.

How do you say that without a sounding word?

I see the author and I kind of are on the same page on something.

I mean, could you officiate for us?

Will you?

She shrugs.

Sure, it’s not hard.

You should probably think of your own vows.

I mean, with all the alien stuff and all.

I look up at my strong and honorable and spectacular alien warrior.

Do you understand that?

Is it absolutely a smirk on his face?

I understand.

Get married soonest.

The ancestral smile upon me when I wed the mother of Zran on Boone even,

sacred ground.

So our last chapter is a wedding, which is kind of fucking awesome because I

did not expect again the best part of this

book so far has been regularly I have not

expected what has happened to us.

And it’s the end of every chapter.

And often I am wrong and that is the best part of this book so far.

So far, what I mean, the last chapter.

We inspect the tuna can.

It’s totally ruined.

It looks more like a colander now that a tin can.

We can’t live here anymore, Delia says.

It will give us no protection at all.

The dactyls know where we live.

I have a feeling they’ll be back.

These huge carcasses will start to rot and be a major biohazard.

And one reason for staying here was that the kidnappers might be back.

Now it’s probably been too long for that.

Even if they did come, this thing is broken and they probably can’t attach

it to their ship again.

I nod.

I want this tuna can to be closed chapter in my life now.

We can do better elsewhere on this planet.

How about a cave where you found me, Jackson?

He was walking slowly around.

What’s?

He’s walking around now slowly, but still he’s recovering fast.

We’re talking like an hour.

Tribesmen come there sometimes.

Also the water isn’t good to drink.

I know about a better place, further away, but safer.

There are caves, cleaner water, trees

that bear fruit, good defensive positions.

Yeah.

Because on this planet, your life is

always in danger from someone or something.

It’s the way life was for everyone on earth too.

Not so long ago, but I guess we have forgotten that.

At least we have Jackson now.

That makes our chances much better.

I totally trust him to do the best way.

Uh-huh.

I totally trust him to know the best way to do this.

Fine with me, but we should stay here for at least another night, Jackson.

Jackson is in no shape to walk in the jungle.

Jackson shows us how to gather useful stuff from the dead dactyls, like

certain parts of their skin and sharp teeth and talons.

We’ve toughened up a lot now and Delia cuts huge, rager sharp teeth out of

the dactyls as if she’s done it many times before.

That’s kind of cool.

It turns out to be a pretty good evening.

We feel safe enough to light a big fire from

the dead knocked dactyls, and we sit in a

circle around it and talk and joke and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

I know we have many hard times ahead of

us, but we’re over the first major hurdle.

The dip as Delia calls it.

We’re over the dip and we made it more or less.

Some of this made it out like bandits.

I glanced up at Jackson.

I’m sitting as close to him as I can without stripping him naked, and I

enjoy the heat from him, safety he exudes.

The warm light from the fire flickers across his face and makes him look a

little less alien.

He’s not beautiful perhaps, but he’s handsome enough and he’s super manly

and has the soul of a lion seriously.

Who could ask for anything more?

We get married the next morning.

Caroline is wearing her lab coat, which I know she spent some time cleaning

in the stream using rocks and such.

She’s buttoned it all the way up to look all spiritual.

The girls have made a little altar and saved some of the food they have for

the reception after the ceremony.

This is a very, I’m sorry I have to have to have said it.

It’s a very feminine way to handle

this to actually go through all this stuff.

It’s good.

That’s actually kind of appropriate because they want it to be special so

they’re going to make it special.

The sun is rising and it’s throwing long shadows.

I’m in my blue cave woman outfit because it’s all I have.

Jackson is wearing his kilt and nothing else.

As usual, the girls have made me a little tiara of flowers and that’s my

whole wedding gear.

You think it would be ridiculous.

No one here can dress right.

I don’t have a scrap of lace anywhere on me and no best man.

There are no wedding bells and no

family members but I have four bridesmaids.

Delia is my maid of honor and I have the

best groom in history and I’m happily bawling

my eyes out before it’s even started.

So it’s a real wedding.

All right.

I spent the night in Jackson’s arms.

He couldn’t do much more than hold me but that’s fine.

He’s quietly told me about his life and

his tribe and now that he’s an outcast.

Well because of me, he sacrificed so many things for me it’s insane.

He’s fine with it.

Not one word of blame passed his lips and his tone of voice was always calm

and matter of fact.

The way he always is.

Choking even.

Now he’s waiting at the altar, a revelation of manliness of strength.

Even with the dirty improvised bandages all over him, the tall and blonde

Caroline is standing

there looking serious and downright regal

and the girls are standing a couple of yards

away looking at me solemnly.

I walk between them and up to the altar holding eight red flowers at my

hands, one for each of us girls and one for Elysia and one for Jackson.

I’m able to keep the tears down for this.

The light from the alien sun is throwing golden rays through the bushes and

branches of the jungle.

There’s just a little bit of mist on the close to the ground and I’ve never

felt more with more one with anything and that is holy.

I’ve never felt more one with everything that is holy than right now.

Nobody smiling at the simplicity of it all, everyone is serious.

This is my wedding.

It’s not quite the way I planned and dreamed about when I was growing up,

but this is real and it’s totally wonderful.

Jackson takes my hand and walks me the last two steps up to Caroline.

She says a few words that sound a lot like they were from a hippie wedding

because there’s

a lot of words like blossom and Harmony and commonality, but that’s fine.

It’s pretty appropriate for the situation.

She does great.

I say some simple vows.

Fog, you gotta say what the vows are.

That was literally the point of setting this

up was they could say vows to each other.

I say some simple vows I thought of.

Jackson says some pretty much shorter which comes across pretty powerfully.

He’s not kidding about this.

Fucking garbage man.

If you’re gonna do a wedding, the vows are the thing that you actually

present, which means

you, the writer, could not think of good

vows for them to say to each other, which is

total bullshit.

Then Caroline asks us the important question.

Jackson goes, “Tool.”

In a powerful voice with a hint of impatience and then I say, “I do as

firmly as I can,” which is not very because I’m tearing up again.

We kiss and that’s it.

There’s no aisle to walk down and no organ to play or with the recessional.

The girls come to hug me and congratulate me now that I’m married.

I hold Jackson’s hand while we all munch on fruit and berries and even some

of the meat from Jackson’s bag, chatting

lightly like a real reception that I catch

myself.

This is a real reception.

It’s the best one ever.

Then it’s time to leave the tuna can.

We pick up the objects we want to bring with us.

I check that the translator is still in my

pocket and that we have the empty gun.

I guess just even a metal thing is still useful.

We walk over to Alicia’s little stone grave.

There are fresh flowers there again.

Red flowers.

Eight of them.

Amelia quietly explains to Jackson what happened.

We stand there for a while and I wipe away some tears from my cheeks.

I wish she was here and I certainly wish she had tried to hijack the sauce.

And I certainly wish I hadn’t tried to hijack the saucer.

I’m sorry I think to myself.

Like I always do when I stand right here.

So sorry, Alicia.

Delia puts her hand lightly on my arm.

I know you still blame yourself for this.

She says softly right in my thoughts.

I keep seeing you look over at this grave and you take some crazy risks

because you feel guilty.

You know you’re the one who’s been placing

flowers here every morning but you didn’t

kill Alicia.

That was all them.

The aliens.

Not you.

Not even a little bit.

You can let it go.

The words have more weight because they come from her.

Delia rarely speaks but when she does it’s always a game changer.

She’s observant too.

I thought I was being super stealthy about the flowers.

Thank you I saw it wipe my tears.

The other girls agree in pat my back and shoulder.

Damn right.

And anything you probably saved us all from a much worse fate.

The plude a deep voice says Jackson is behind me pondering the grave.

It is known that they take women and kill them.

Use them for terrible things.

Our women went from the same way taken from us.

They deposited you here as a way to damage us and instigate confusion.

They would have done that anyway.

Nothing any of you did had any impact on that.

They are evil.

I feel his heavy hand on my shoulder and I reach up to squeeze it.

It doesn’t make me feel better that maybe getting us stranded here wasn’t my

fault after all.

It’s been a constant source of piercing guilt at the back of my mind.

It’s gotten me to do some brave or stupid things that I’m not sure I would

have done otherwise.

All right Delia says let’s go.

She starts walking in the direction where Jackson has said that there are

caves we can live in.

When after the other the girls take a last look at the tuna can and our

little colony and

then we walk after her with their meager possessions and of course fabric

bags on their shoulders.

I carry Jackson’s bag because he still wounded and I don’t think he is up

for much more than walking today.

He’s not pale anymore at least.

The girls are gone and we’re alone with the tuna can.

We’re newlyweds.

We need to deserve a couple minutes alone.

I look up him.

I look up at him.

How does it feel to be a husband?

He bends down to kiss me.

It feels like an end to the end of the beginning.

The old Jackson has become the new.

The world has changed.

It is better, brighter, full of promise but also harder.

That is the way it should be for a warrior.

But now life will be easier for Sophia, my wife.

I will see to it.

I go up on tiptoes to kiss him.

I don’t need to say anything.

I’m pretty sure he can see happiness in my face.

I look down at the translator.

It works much better than anyone ever would have thought.

If that super advanced chip inside has made

it much closer to actual AI than even its

maker suspected.

It’s pretty much taught itself, Jackson’s language all by itself.

If we were still back on earth, it would be total sensation and it would be

world famous.

So would Professor Wilkins probably, and maybe even I.

I don’t feel it.

It’s too distant, too unreal.

I almost feel like I never happened.

I’ve never gotten the other thing and I’ve got other things on my mind now.

I like the fact that the battery won’t last forever.

It’s kept us sensationally well so far, but it’s a crutch.

I have to learn his language now.

I’m supposed to be a linguist after all.

Well I do know a good few words already.

I flick the switch at the LED lights.

I place the translator back in its pocket and look up at Jackson.

I don’t think I’ll need that anymore.

He gets the meaning in nod seriously and he

takes me into his arms and sniff my hair.

Cratune Couté.

He growls into my ear, sending delighted

shivers down my spine and tingles in my girly

bits.

And I know those words.

I’ve practiced in secret with the translator.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and

smile happily as I squeeze my husband hard.

It’s my wedding day.

It’s going to be a good one whether this planet agrees or not.

I love you too.

We stand like that for a long time and

he takes my hand and we start walking.

I mean, solid ending to be honest.

There’s an epilogue which I think is just

going to lead on to like the next book.

It says, “Dear reader, thanks for reading my book.

If you want to get an email, you can sign up for her thing.

It’s free.

I’ll appreciate all reviews book good and bad.

I mean, overall, I’ve said my piece throughout this whole thing.

More books from Calista.

Fire planet Warriors captive.

Sci-Fi, BBW, Alien Fade of Mates, romance.

Holy.

It’s a different series.

She has K-Man Aliens ransom, which I think there’s seven books.

Fire planet Warrior captive.

Harper Evans always wanted to go to space, abducted by creepy aliens and

then crash landed

on the planet that everyone just calls

Fire Planet, not what she had in mind.

Her only company is an insanely hot alien

barbarian warrior who doesn’t speak English.

I think I’ve read this book before.

A standalone sequel to Fire Planet, Fire Planet Warriors Passion.

Given to the alien, Olivia Cooper chose a bad time to become a space marine

and the newly formed Space Force.

This was before Space Force was the thing.

Maybe Donald Trump read this book.

Just when Earth had been badly defeated mankind’s first battle with

beautiful but extremely deadly ethereal aliens.

It sounds like she’s writing the same book over and over again with slightly

different alien

invaders baby, a standalone sequel given to the alien, Star Set, the Warrior

Princess’s

claim, the ship reached the hands of

blood, I’d acquisition her as an oblique.

She’s writing the same book over and over again just changing out some

elements, which is I guess.

Harlow Quinn Romance has a formula.

She’s actually just made up her own formula and is just following through.

Star Set, Alien Seed, intent on keeping the secret of the blood secure at

all costs, Prince

Keshe braves a ritual that is utterly

forbidden in the eyes of the Allied forces.

Falling in love with her was not part of the plan.

Gamma Raiders, Space Pirate Prince, Gamma Raiders Storm Squadron Alpha, can

a BBW pilot and a sexy alien warrior find love in the midst of war?

I bet they can.

Alpha’s Uncaged 2, Paranormal Shifter Romance

Box Set, 10 Hot Paranormal Shifter Romance.

Stories, I don’t know what a shifter is.

I’m assuming shifting between genders or something like that or persons.

This is a follow-up collection to the best-selling box set, Alpha’s Uncaged.

Oh, but this is like a group of authors.

My Alien Prince.

He’s a Prince of the Stars.

She’s an ordinary girl from Earth.

Can they be allowed to fall in love?

Yes.

My Alien Prince claimed to buy the axe true.

The K-let’s claim.

God damn, this is endless.

Pursues by Alien Alpha, Fusion, Sci-Fi Alien Romance, Stars Apart, Stoweway.

When an extraterrestrial attacked on London

during her lunch break, Helen accidentally

beat aboard the board of the ship.

Seemingly emotionless Alien Prince, all she

wants to do is go home, however bound by

duty to return to his planet for his arranged marriage.

Prince Lenneck, heir to the throne of Arsiroth, would rather let her out

into open space than go all the way back to Earth.

Huh.

The epilogue.

How many pages?

Oh, it’s a couple pages.

It’s the last I got her.

We walk away from Jaxon’s village.

The terrain is different and more hilly.

We pass clear streams.

I’m happy.

It’s the weirdest thing.

I’m surrounded by the Alien Planet.

Things aren’t looking that good for us.

He’s beyond everything I thought a man could be.

That’s my husband.

My brain has trouble processing it.

That’s my husband.

We keep walking in silence.

I realized that I accepted that a good while ago when I was stuck on my own.

So she’s going to be a forever.

It worked out so far.

That’s a good-eye state.

It’s a fertile area.

So this is home now.

I wipe sweat off my forehead.

Well, I won’t miss the tuna can or the dactyls or that dam river that we

couldn’t drink from.

Good riddance.

They all agree.

She says, her voice is a strange tremble to it.

If you look at the top of that mountain and you squint a little, does that

look like something else?

The sun is low behind the tree and I shield my eyes with one hand.

From this angle, a part of the mountain

near the top is rounded strangely symmetric.

Unnaturally so.

And its sharp edge seems perfectly circular.

There’s green vegetation all over it.

So I can see.

I can’t see any specific details, but the color is different than the rest

of the mountain below, lighter and somehow more even.

My hand flies unbidden to my mouth.

I’ve seen my share of Sci-Fi movies and then some.

I recognize a rocket engine nozzle when

I see one and I’m looking right at one now.

No, two.

No.

Six at least.

There’s a whole cluster of giant rocket

engines pointing towards us from boon.

They’re totally overgrown and must have been here for eons, but they’re

still unmistakable and beyond them.

Oh my stars, it’s enormous.

We’ve been living right on top of it for

weeks without recognizing where what it is.

I swallow in my throat and suddenly gone dry.

Yeah, I say strongly to keep my voice from shaking.

That’s a spaceship.

Ah, good cliffhanger.

Setting up the next book that we’re going to go find a spaceship.

Adventures abound.

Want to know what happens next?

So I had talked with some friends and some people who listened to the

podcast and while I have enjoyed caveman’s alien ransom.

I noticed there were some dips in my enthusiasm as we got through all 15

episodes of this.

So I am not going to continue with the series and I don’t think I’m going to

do another whole book again.

This has been an interesting experiment, but I don’t think I can do like

dedicate another year to reading these books.

So I need to find other things to read.

So if you have anything that you would think would be interesting for me to

read, I’m going to thinking more like

articles, threads from Reddit, stuff like that.

Anything else that you would like me

to read and analyze and shit on probably.

I would appreciate it if you have suggestions

and I think we’re going to end there.

But thank you for coming with me on this

journey to an alien planet where we’ve learned

so much about ourselves and others and fucking plants.

[Music].

The Callous of my Heart

[Music]

Premise.

I was going to actually
talk about this previously.

Previously on Peter’s or about shit.

My face. Previously in my face.

That’s what it should be called.

It’s like two months ago.

I got banged in the head in judo
and honestly it wasn’t that bad.

It’s what I thought.

And then I went home and put ice on it.

And I was like, okay, I’m
going to get a black eye.

It’s fine.
I’ve had those like a million times.

Then it went.

It went on and on and on.

It did not stop.

I was like, okay, this is worse.

It’s not turning black.

It was actually my biggest concern.

Because it’s not turning black.

Maybe I think it was like something more.

So then I went to the eye doctor.

And the eye doctor said your left eye.

The pressure is at five.

Which is good.

That’s normal.

So normal is apparently
between zero and ten.

Your right eye.

I forgot the exact.

I wrote down the number.

It was like 156.

It was hundreds of times more
than what it was supposed to be.

Your left eye.

Which one?

It was my right eye.

It was my right temple.

Your right eye was at
the bottom of the ocean.

Yes.

So it turns out the muscles
inside were so swollen.

It was squishing my eye.

And it changed basically my prescription.

This is where the premise came from.

So then I had to go on
steroids and in drops and stuff.

And all this other stuff.

And about two weeks later it was fine.

The next day.

The compression chamber.

Did your eye get the bends?

I’ve done a decompression chamber.

Really?

Yeah.

My university had one.

And you go into them for sports injuries.

So my university was one
of the biggest in Canada.

Tangent immediately.

It was one of the biggest in Canada.

And so it had like a full football
team, full basketball team.

The Giro team was nothing.

It’s like a side project.

Yeah.

That we had a teacher
so they made a judo club.

But all these facilities existed.

So because we
were official sports

team of the university,
we did get access.

We just got shitty access.

So it was like at three
o’clock in the morning,

if you’d like to use the
decompression chamber, you can.

10 minutes.

No, no.

But I mean, I was like– I
was like, someone else needs it.

Yeah.

And then someone who’s good needs it.

It’s what we support.

It’s like a member of
the football team needs it.

So you know, you have to get out.

But I did, yeah, I did it in university.

You just said it didn’t–
it wasn’t that bad.

Like I thought it would
be like feel different.

You just kind of sit there.

I didn’t understand
what was going on maybe.

Maybe they didn’t turn it on.

They didn’t even turn it on.

It’s like a lot of placebo effect.

Like this dumb shit.

He does judo.

He’s not going to know it.

Yeah.

He’s been bagged in the head enough.

That’s he think they
did the football guys, too.

Yeah.

No, no.

Yeah.

A lot of the stuff was
for the football team.

Our football team.

Yeah, but they’ve been
bagged in the head a lot.

A lot more than you.

Oh, yeah, I’m sure.

Because they do it on purpose.

Yeah.

I’ve been– They push that.

Yeah.

They push that.

Yeah.

It’s never been on purpose.

So.

But then I– after this
sort of eye adventure,

I was thinking like–
I– Why– You–

Why– You– Myself
and I adventure.

Why didn’t this hurt more?

Why didn’t this like affect me more?

I realized like it went
back to two years ago.

When I was in the hospital.

And they did that scan where they
put the radiation thing in my body.

And scanned all my
inflammation and scar tissue.

And the guy who ran that
machine thought it was broken.

And– Of the machine was broken.

Yeah, yeah.

So they put me in the machine.

And he was very proud–

This, this, this, Japanese dude
was super proud of this machine.

Because he was clearly
the only guy who can use it.

And he’s like, he’s like, “Mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

King of my little castle.

This is my domain.”

You know, he clearly was in charge.

And then he turned on the machine.

And then he walked out of the room.

And he walked back in with his
very concerned look on his face.

And he started doing
adjustments on the machine.

And he walked out– He
was like– Mumbling to him.

Why isn’t this guy dead?

Yeah, he’s like, “Wait,
I’m not too far off.

Zombies.”.

And then he came back in two times.

And then he just went
out and never came back.

And then I was in the bed in
the hospital waiting for results.

And the doctor came in and he just
looked at me like, “What the fuck?”

Yeah.

So basically my entire spine, my
hips, my neck, any joint had scar tissue

from 30 plus years of judo.

And so I realized like all that
is cumulative pain tolerance,

which is why I probably
got smacked in the head.

It probably hurt a lot, but
I’m just so used to pain.

Yeah.

It didn’t bother me.

It just why I didn’t go to
the doctor for like two weeks.

Yeah.

So I thought that was
interesting as a concept as an idea

because it’s like, we
consider pain tolerance good,

but it’s your body
sending you a message

that you should go
take care of something,

which I did not do.

Yeah, but some– I don’t know.

Yeah, maybe it’s just men.

We’re just idiots.

Because sometimes I
get a pain and I’m like,

“Ah, it’s just one of
them random pains.”

Like, it just comes and goes.

Like, I just ignore it.

It’s all right.

I think that’s fair.

I think the toxic masculinity
culture thing is a big part of it.

I think that is relevant.

Because I never, you know,
I never, no one ever told me

that feeling pain is like not manly.

That was never something that was said,

but I guess maybe I
absorbed it from somewhere.

All the man I think, honestly, all
of toxic masculinity is never taught.

It’s just culture.

Like, they don’t teach you culture.

You just grow up around it.

And you see how the other men act.

You see, again, our movies and stuff.

This, actually, I have
another applicable story.

Can you give me the end
of any sort of kumite movie?

So, Jean-Claude Van Damme,
he goes to a fighting tournament.

The last fight.

Can you summarize the last fight?

What happens in the last fight?

He gets his ass beat and he’s
bleeding and bruised and broken.

And then, some is some demon
from another dimension and wins.

Exactly.

Okay.

So, would you like to know the
real version that I went through?

Of course.

Then you got your ass beat and died.

No, no.

So, I was trying to get
into the nationals in Canada.

I was trying to go to
the Olympics, basically.

Yeah.

So, I’d won essentially half of Canada.

I needed to win.

Nice.

I needed to win the other half.

So, I– He did Canada.

I was– The French half,
or the– The French half.

The French half is actually
way better at chewed on me.

So, I’m in this judo tournament and I’m–

judo’s a lot of grabbing
onto the callers and stuff.

And this guy takes two of my
fingers and bends them backwards.

So, he breaks my little finger and I
think he, like, messed up the next one.

So, little fingers hurt.

Yeah.

So, what do I do?

I’ve seen a lot of movies in my life.

I’m like, tape it up.

I’m going back in.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because the end of every movie
I’ve ever seen and how do you win?

You win with your heart.

It’s not– You know, it’s
not– It’s not– It’s not great.

Yeah, it’s not how much you’ve trained
or how much you believe in yourself.

And I believe in myself.

And so, I am crying at this point.

So, they tape–

I tape up my fingers and I go back
in three seconds for the guy to win.

Yeah, I bet.

Because you can’t do
judo with only one hand.

And he just, like, ripped me apart
and I’m just lying in the ground going,

“Oh, this was dumb.”

And then, that’s the end of my judo career.

Yeah.

Backing off the mats, I’m
just bawling my eyes out.

I’m trying not to let anyone see
because I still have all the toxic

masculinity and stuff.

Just me just tears running down
my face and I’m like telling myself it’s

just because it hurts my hand.

I’m just like, “No, my
dreams have all ended.”

But that is the realistic
version of the end of that story.

Something bad happens that you
do not, you know, power through.

You do power through, yeah.

Like, you leading from my ears and my eyes.

You still got to win.

You just get your ass kicked.

Yeah.

So I was wondering, I have tons and
tons of stories about getting hurt, but

it’s all judo stuff.

But I was wondering,
like, what do you

think is the most pain
you felt at one time?

Oh, physically, like, the worst?

No, my diet don’t feel anything anymore.

Oh, that’s actually, yes,
that’s the callus of your heart.

The callus of my
heart, yeah, the,

it’s like, like, chicken
gristle in there.

But, um, I think
the worst physical

pain I’ve ever been
in was a kidney stone.

I’ve never had one.

Oh, my God.

I…

Oh, I thought a broken bone.

Like, a broken bone
was the worst pain

I’d ever had until I
got a kidney stone.

Did you, what, what, what,
what, what, what, did you break?

I’ve broken my, my, both, my feet,
like, metatarsals and both my feet.

How did you do that?

Um, I actually don’t even know.

Oh, no, that’s so much worse.

Well, I just kept
walking around as well,

like, making it swell
up and get worse.

Yeah.

And I’m like, I’ll go away, I’ll go
away until I could barely walk.

And then I finally
went to the doctor

and he went, yeah,
he broke in your bones.

And I’m like, what?

He said, be, where it
is, you can’t do anything.

So he just gave me some crutches
and said, just keep it off the ground.

Yeah, I’ve broken most of my toes.

Um, I think I’ve broken toes, but
I’ve never done anything about it.

There’s nothing you can do.

You can’t put a little
cast on it or anything.

So I just carried on with my day.

The best you could do is just tape it up.

I actually, um, I broke my little toe
in a judo practice and then I just put

on some really tight
shoes and I heard this crrrr.

And I was like, oh, it’s back in place.

No.

Right?

I’ve never dislocated anything.

That’s one thing.

The other thing I broke was my forearm.

I fell out of a tree.

Did that hurt?

I almost hurt.

Yeah, but… The bone
break doesn’t hurt.

It’s on the muscles
around it and stuff that hurt.

Yeah, I don’t really remember it hurting.

It is more like a quick snap of pain.

And then I was just like, oh, that hurts.

Like, the like that kind
of like, oh, that hurts.

And I wasn’t like crying dying.

I was like, oh, that really hurts.

Oh, yeah, that hurts.

This sucks.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

Like, I was a bit nutty as a kid.

I used to do mad shit.

And like, this is
before even knew about

what I think even
before Jack has existed.

Me and my friends used
to like try and do dumb shit.

Oh, look at that hedge.

We’re gonna jump through it.

Oh, my, I did that.

And then, yeah, you generally don’t
because all the fucking wood inside of

it stops you.

I had a friend who
was insane and he

and I used to try to
jump through hedges.

Yeah.

We’re about 16.

This is when we started drinking and
you get drunk and walk around outside

in the middle of winter in Canada.

And then, jump through people’s hedges.

But this dude was sick.

No, he was younger than that.

He used to break into people’s
house and take a shower and leave.

No, my God.

He wouldn’t do it.

He wouldn’t steal anything or anything.

The worst thing he did was basically
just take a shower, use their towels

and then get out.

That’s so weird.

It’s like, why?

Why?

He’s like, this is real man.

I’ve used their shower
and there’s nothing

they can, they can
never like undo that.

No, I loved it.

We used to go cliff jumping in Cyprus.

I think I must have been about 12 or 13.

And I thought it was, they were cliffs.

And they were like, I
don’t know, 20, 25 meters.

And we were just like, no.

And we stopped because one of our
friends actually hit rock in the water and

ripped his nipple off.

And then our parents found out
what we were doing because obviously.

Now we’re going to
take his to the hospital.

You know that platypuses
don’t have nipples.

They sweat milk.

They’re the weirdest things.

Platypuses are some of the
weirdest animals on the planet.

I read that this morning.

That’s weird that you brought up nipples.

This is just a little aside fact.

Platypuses couldn’t rip a
nipple off while cliff jumping.

Yeah, they can.

If they did do it, they
would start sweating milk.

And the males are venomous.

Yeah.

Only the males, not the females.

Only the males.

Yeah, it’s weird.

But yeah.

So kidney stone.

Kidney stone.

So I had a slight pain
in my stomach and

I thought it was trap
wind or something.

And it was, it was while I was in Japan.

In fact, it wasn’t long after I moved
here, maybe like a year and a half.

And I put it down to the change in diet.

Like, yeah.

Because my diet changed a lot living here.

I just embraced Japanese food.

Because a lot of people complain
that it’s expensive to live here.

But it’s people that
can’t let their old ways go.

Oh, they’re buying basically
import food all the time.

Yeah, I’m trying to
make western style foods.

And I’m like, that shit.

It’s so expensive.

Just eat Japanese shit.

Eat local foods wherever you are.

Yeah.

And I agree with that.

There’s a lot of people come
here and they lose a lot of weight.

Yeah, well, it was me too.

And then I put that down to
where I got the kidney stone.

And so anyway, I thought it was trap wind.

And I was like, I’ll be alright.

I was getting ready for work.

And it was slightly getting worse.

I was like, I just need to fart.

I just need to fart, but…

I was walking to work.

My walk to work
was about 30 minutes

then, because I lived
much further away.

And as I was walking to work, the
pain was getting worse and worse.

Like every step.

Like every step I
was just like, oh, like

someone just digging
a knife inside me.

By the time I got to work,
I just dropped on the floor.

And as I entered the building, and
my school director was sat in the office

and she just saw me.

And I just went, I need help.

I don’t know how to say the whole thing.

But yeah, she was freaking the fuck out.

And I was like, so you’re
on the ground basically, yeah?

I was on the ground.

That’s real.

Real.

I couldn’t… I don’t
know how I got that.

You’re director of the boss, whatever.

She’s probably a Japanese
lady who’s probably like 5-5.

This was actually something that
came up when I did the health checks.

The first time I did them, because
you don’t eat in the morning and then

they take your blood.

So I felt really faint.

And then she was like, are you okay?

And I’m like, I’m just let
me lie down for a minute.

I’ll be fine.

Then the next year I came back
and I was like, you know what?

We should just do this with
me lying down just in case.

And she was like, great.

Because if you fell on the
floor, I could not pick you up.

And I was like, that is
something I had not thought about.

She was like, I would have to just
leave you on the floor until you could

get up by yourself again.

But you’re bigger than me.

So I’m like a little Japanese lady.

It’s not picking you up anytime soon.

Just like put a map over top of you.

Yeah, don’t just give them a blanket.

It’ll be fine.

He’ll get up and put a map on a map.

Don’t put a map on a map.

It’s like an unspoken rule.

Like we freak out.

So what do the doctors do for that?

Well, so I think in the end,
I think she called my wife.

Oh.

And I don’t know why.

I was like, okay.

So my wife came and I got in the car
and we went to the doctors clinic near

my parents in all house.

Because he’s an internal doctor.

And he looked at me and he
went, oh, I think it’s two things.

One of them is very bad.

The other one, not so bad.

But didn’t say anything other than that.

And then just going to be
more careful with the ambulance.

Yeah.

And I was just like, what the fuck?

I am in so much pain.

Oh my god.

Don’t tell me something like that.

But then an ambulance came and
then they did a check and they’re like, oh,

you got kidney stone.

Okay.

And I was like, oh,
I mean, but then I

was like, I’m going
to have to piss it out.

And they went, we’re
giving you some medicine.

Hopefully it will dissolve.

Oh, yeah.

Because I read they had a
Sonic thing they could do now.

And it would break it up.

Oh, to break it up.

Basically blow it up in your body,
which I was like, that is freaky.

But the weirdest part
about this whole story

that’s not even pain
related is that the

doctor that ended up checking it,
the hospital I went to was one of my

students at the school.

Yeah, that’s kind of cool though.

Yeah.

And then she was like,
oh, god, are you okay?

And I’m like, no, she don’t know.

Yeah, actually, no.

I don’t know why I asked that.

I mean, the hospital right now.

And a while later at a school party,
I remember they were getting drunk.

And the first thing the SD asked
that student at the party was when Matt

went to the hospital,
did you see his dick?

I don’t know.

It is like, oh, it is the moment.

And she said, I can’t
say because I’m a doctor.

And I was like, what the wink?

What is this?

Yeah.

But the wink, the wink
actually is a good thing.

Yeah.

Because if it was like teeny tiny,
she would have done something else.

She would have been
like, you know, I saw it.

You would have done it.

Yeah, little finger prawn.

Yeah.

Oh, something like that.

That was fun.

But that was the worst pain, man.

Oh, my god.

I have two.

Yeah.

That’s either my balls or my hand.

Which you like to hear about.

Tell me about your balls, Peter.

It is, I think I’ve told
you this story, but

I don’t know what the
listeners, maybe I’m not

have heard it.

It’s in Montana, LDablo.

Yes.

It is one of the side bits.

I was in a judo practice and I
must have been hitting the balls.

I’ve like, there’s a thing, a throw
called Uchi Mata, which I might edit

into this, where your leg goes up
in between and off their balance.

It’s like a, a fulcrum in it flips up.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I think a guy did that to me poorly
and just kicked me in the balls.

But the adrenaline
meant I didn’t feel anything.

So I took a shower.

So that’s probably
like 15, 20 minutes later.

I took a shower.

And then I got my clothes
on and I was walking home.

So we’re talking like 20, 30 minutes
later and I just stopped and I go, oh,

like it was like delayed pain.

It felt like I had been hit
in the balls 30 minutes later.

Right that.

Yeah.

And then I was like, I had to turn
left and go home or turn right and go to

the hospital.

So I was like, I’m going
to go to the hospital.

Went to the hospital and I remember
the lady saying, like, what’s your name?

Like, my name’s Peter.

So if you’re like, health insurance
card and I give her what I can.

She goes, what’s your
postal code or something?

And I had, look, I just look
at her and went, my balls.

She’s like, what?

I’m like, balls.

Like I didn’t have numbers
in my head anymore.

I don’t know my phone
number and my postal code.

My balls hurt.

And I understand though,
I had a ball experience too.

Yeah, but I’m just
like, she’s talking to me.

I’m like, you don’t understand.

I mean, the emergency room for a reason.

There’s nothing left up here.

It’s all down there.

And then the doctor, they put me in
like a little bed and the doctor’s like,

he take off your pants.

And I take, I start to pull my pants down.

And he had a reaction.

So he went, the doctors
are not supposed to do this.

He went like, no.

So it was just balls.

The testicle sack was black and swollen.

Now it’s about two, three
times bigger than it should be.

Oh god.

And he goes, okay, again,
good news and bad news.

This is all corpuscles and
stuff and they’ve all burst.

So it means it’s going to heal up fine.

So that’s good.

You’re going to be fine.

Bad news is it’s going
to hurt for a long time.

So eventually this is a big bruise.

This is when the drugs they gave
me, the pain medicine started to kick in.

It was really, really strong.

So there’s all looping.

And he looks at me.

He goes, this is this, this,
oh, forget the phrasing.

It was like this kind of
traumatic incidents is very rare.

He used the word trauma.

This kind of specific
trauma is very, very rare.

Would it be okay if I
brought some of the

nurses in or some of
the other doctors into

the end gap?

And I’m on drugs.

I’m not feeling any pain.

I’m like, yeah.

So I’m lying in a bed with my
pants down and a t-shirt on.

So just like this band, it’s like
the opposite of a censorship bar.

And the nurses come
in and they go, oh, and

it makes a little sort
of concern sounds.

And then they go, like, does it hurt?

And I’m like, well, not right
now because I’m on drugs.

And then they move on.

And then it took me forever to realize
it’s been like two hours and groups

of two, three
people going through.

I think the whole hospital
came to look at my moles.

Yeah, I bet.

I’m like, are you going to see these?

Oh my god, this is ridiculous.

What this dude did to his ball.

So then, but I went
back to the hospital for

like three more years
because I was still.

at university and it
got really good service.

And I was like, that’s the ball guy.

He’s a hero now.

He’s really nice.

Mine, you don’t teach
us the aboles and the wall.

No, my Juno teacher’s
knee is in a medical journal.

Really?

Yeah, because the surgery was so rare.

He done so much damage to it that
they like reconstructed it and they took

pictures the whole
time and all that’s in a

medical volume
somewhere, which is neat.

Crazy.

Have you ever been hurt and like
followed the, like with my eye, you’re just

like, okay, it’ll
just get better.

I’m not going to do anything and
then you realized it was way worse.

There’s a teaching that’s not worth.

Yeah, no, I don’t think so.

Usually, if I ignore the pain,
it goes away and then it does.

I don’t know.

I’m pretty good at, I think, after
40 years on this earth, I’m good at

knowing when a pain is a real pain,
when I need to get a pain looked at.

Yeah, I can’t.

I can’t tell the difference anymore.

I feel like I’ve got
that down now,

especially like with
the weight training.

You get a lot of pain.

Yeah, sometimes you get pain in the
middle of a workout and I’ve got really

good at knowing whether,
that’s just a bit cramp.

I just need to stretch that out or
whether it’s like, no, I’ve tweaked that.

I’ve got to stop now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have basically been in
low-key pain for about 30 years.

Well, I mean me
too, because of my

height, like the world
isn’t built for me.

But even in the UK, like I had trouble
with everything being too low, I’ve

had pain since I was a teenager.

And in Japan it’s just amplified,
because I mean everything’s too low and it

also the doors.

Yeah, and the doors thing.

So on the train, the
bar for the door, I’m

184 centimeters and
the bar is set at 180.

So if I’m not careful,
it’s just, it’s not

that I hit my head,
I just ding the top.

Yeah.

Is there a walk out?

See where is my fucking smack it?

Yeah.

I told you the other
day actually, didn’t I?

I meant to like, I hit my head so
hard on a door frame the other day.

I cut the top of my head.

Yeah.

No, that’s messed up.

And sometimes I hit my head so
hard, I feel like a crunk down my spine.

I’m just like, ah, no, no, no,
that feeling, my whole body hurts.

Well, you feel, yes, because it like,
it like vibrates through your body.

Yeah.

And you hit it at the perfect
angle for it to just all compress.

No, sucks.

So yeah, I mean, I think a level of
constant pain is normal in my life too.

Hmm.

Yeah, I’ve just gotten, again, so now
I just assume it’s going to get better

because most of them do.

Yeah.

I turns out, because when they were
looking at my knees, that I’ve chipped

my bone in my knee
and it’s, so there’s a

floater and it’s
calcified, so it’s a little

ball.

So I can’t sit in
kneeling position anymore

with my right knee
because it won’t close.

It really starts to hurt, but the
doctor was like, ah, going in there and

digging it out, it’s
not really worth it.

And you have full range
of motion, basically.

So we’re not going to do anything.

I was like, so, okay.

I mean, I get it.

Like, getting it out is probably
going to go more danger.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it’s just
interesting to realize like

there’s bits of my
body floating around my

body.

And it’s, but like, like you’ve
got tattoos as well, right?

I haven’t tattooed my shoulder in my back.

I don’t have like you do.

You have, you have like all
of your legs and stuff, yeah.

Well, I, I don’t know.

I find like people like, oh, the pain.

I’m like, it’s not that bad.

I was cool.

But again, I don’t know if that’s
me because it can’t just be me.

There’s plenty of people that get them.

Yeah.

Then I wonder some
people like are in

constant agony getting
them, but they want it

for a reason.

Well, there’s, there’s people
who was like low-pain tolerance.

You hear about them just quitting,
like half of their tattoo, they quit.

So I got out on my shoulder, which
is mussely, and I got out on my back.

It’s not a tram stamp.

I got, I got one on my lower back
before trance stamps were a thing.

And like a year later, tram stamps
got top popular and I was like, oh, shit.

It was like, just do more
thong, you’ll be alright.

I got them on, I always were, I thought.

I got them, I got
them on meaty parts,

which I, my understanding
is that the meaty

bits hurt less.

Yes, absolutely.

Because I was, my
first choice for a tattoo

placement was on my
inner arm right, right

up near my armpit and the tattoo I
still like, you’ve literally chosen one

of the most painful
places to get a tattoo.

And I was like, well,
that’s where I want it.

So let’s go.

And it was generally
fine like towards the

elbow and in the middle,
but yeah, as it got.

up towards the armpit,
I was like, that’s fine.

But on the foot, she said this or
her, but actually just felt like a, like a

deep scratch.

No, okay.

The one on my back, it took, it
didn’t take that long because it was just

writing, but it

didn’t, I started to sweat near the
end, but it’s, I think it’s because it

was constant.

But it didn’t, I never like, twitched
around, like I was never at any point

like, I was moving,
yeah, it was fine.

Yeah, I never, and it’s
like, two needles are now.

So advanced, like they don’t
break the skin much anymore.

No, like they’re dragging it
along, but it’s so fine and so fast.

It is just, it’s not dragging the skin.

It’s like moving and piercing.

It’s, they’re amazing because I did my
shoulder when I was 18 and there was

blood, but it

wasn’t much.

And then now you can see them do it.

That’s hardly any at all.

Hardly any blood.

Yeah.

No, I, I didn’t bleed at all.

I don’t remember any blood.

The only coloring I saw
was the coloring of the ink.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was super impressed with that.

I am, I’m glad I found the artist I did.

And then piercings, I went through a
lot of piercings when I was a kid, like

I only, I got, got my eyebrow
done and I was like, that’s fine.

I got my nose done a
couple of times, that’s fine.

I never got any piercings
because you have

to take them out for
judo anyway, so I just

didn’t ever.

Yeah.

So I went through my
youth was tattoos were

cool and then piercings
were cool and then

branding was cool for me.

Ah, branding, yeah.

And I’ve been branding
seems like a step beyond.

That seems like a lot to me.

Scarification is a little popular now too.

Yeah, no, that’s too much for me.

Like even piercing, I was like, I
like the look of piercing, but I would

never do it to myself.

When I was, when I was 18, I went to
the piercing place to get my lip done.

I wanted the middle where the bottom
of my lip done and the guy was like, I

actually don’t have any of
those barbells in right now.

And I was like, oh shit, oh,
I’m here and I want a piercing.

So he’s like, could you tongue
and I went, yeah, all right.

Okay.

Ah, yeah, I wasn’t prepared
for the aftermath of that.

Oh, so your whole tongue swells up, yeah?

Yeah, like so what
they have to do, I didn’t

think about it and he
has these four steps

that I like, like they’re rounded.

So there’s a gap in the middle or the
top and the bottom and he just fucking

grips your

tongue and he has to
really grip it because

you’re going to pull
your tongue back.

Yeah.

So and I was like,
but he did it really fast.

He was a really
professional like, boom,

boom, boom, boom,
boom, and piercing and then

he’d go and I was just like, oh yeah,
oh yeah, and yeah, my tongue, oh fuck,

I couldn’t eat anything
for like a couple of days.

It’s just soup.

And then I had chicken soup and that
was a mistake because there were bits

in it and I was

kept thinking that the bits were
my piercing that I was swallowing.

Yep.

I have a friend who, I think it was
wisdom teeth he got out when his tongue

got swollen.

So they freeze your
whole mouth and he was,

they went to subway
afterwards and he was

eating.

He’s like, this is a
really two piece of meat.

He was chewing his own tongue.

No.

So when the, the, like anesthesia
wore off, his tongue was all chewed up.

He was like, he said there was no pain
worse than chewing your own tongue.

Oh God, I’m winsing right now.

It’s, it’s awful.

Like just hearing it, like you didn’t
have to think about it too much

because you just kind of
know how much that lasts for.

Yeah, because you bite your tongue
and you’re just like, oh, it’s like, it’s

worse than getting
punched in the face.

Yeah, oh yeah, I think so.

It’s, yeah, punch in the face is nothing.

Compared to that, that’s nothing.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, but pain, I don’t know, like
I have a weird relationship with it

because I, I think,

I think pain is good and I think that
people shouldn’t shy away from it.

No, I think pain
management is part of life.

Yeah, but people that are scared of
doing something because there could be

pain.

It’s, yeah, but pain, pain
isn’t going to kill you.

It’s ignoring the pain
signals that might

and there’s nothing
wrong with experiencing

pain.

I think it’s beneficial.

So I’m one of those
people who like,

you know, your kids
should hurt themselves.

I agree.

My kids there.

I, I guess it’s a mother’s.

Well, you don’t want them.

I don’t want them to go through
life being scared of feeling pain.

So like my kids would cut
themselves and then no reaction.

Like no, that like this very Japanese,
not Japanese, just moms, I guess.

They freak out.

Whereas I was like, oh, you cut yourself.

Let’s go pick out a bandaid.

Oh, and you got to push down on it
to make sure it and just really calm like

is, again, they’re not
going to die from a little cut.

And recently I cut the top off my phone.

Just tiny, tiny, but it was a slice,
not a, not a, I guess, like a knee.

Yeah, you took it off.

Yeah, the little circle
came off, not a slice.

I guess slice is a straight line and
slice is heal better, but because there

was nothing to hold on to.

So I’m like holding it down and I’m
bleeding a lot, but it’s not that bad.

And I’m telling my son, like,
can you get a bandaid in?

He took so much time.

And I was like, I’ve gone
too far the other way.

He’s just not concerned about this all.

I’m like pouring blood
into the sink right now.

Like, can you get something to
help me staunch the bleeding please?

And he’s like, I’m trying
to get the box open.

Yeah, that was a lot.

Yeah, so in summary, pain is good.

Yeah, I think so.

But don’t ignore it, people.

Go to the doctor.

Do you have, because my hand,
I’ve you’ve ever burned yourself?

Yes, with all kinds of things.

Oh, no.

Oil, water.

Oil is bad.

Oil is one of the
reasons if you get oil on

and you try to flush
it off with water, it

pushes it deeper into your skin.

Yeah, no, it’s bad.

Oil.

What was the worst burn?

The worst burn was an iron.

Oh, like, like, for a close.

Yeah.

It fell on my foot.

I was a kid.

I feel like I’ve gotten it.

My feet have gone out a
lot because it’s a big story.

My feet are huge and
they’ve kind of always been.

They stick out a lot.

That’s why again, I bash my feet so much.

Because I do my
roommate in university put

on oil to make French
fries and walked out

and took a phone call and then I
come in and the kitchen’s on fire.

So I grabbed the pot.

And so you can imagine
holding the handle of the pot.

Some of the oil splashed
out onto sort of my knuckle.

Right.

And so I take the
pot outside so that if it

just keeps burning,
it’s not going to burn

anything.

And then I put out what little
fire was in the actual kitchen.

And then then I
realize some oil is

dropped on the floor
and I stepped in it.

So the top of my hand and the bottom
of my foot have been burned with oil.

So I put my hand in
the freezer and I fill

up the sink with water
and I have my foot

in the sink.

And then my girlfriend calls me
and she goes, what are you doing?

I’m like, I’m just
standing with my foot

in the sink and my
hand in the freezer.

And she did me well enough to
know that like it’s a joke, but I’m also

actually doing that.

And she’s like, what happened?

I’m like, I’ve burned myself.

But if I take my hand
out of the freezer,

it immediately starts
to like feel like it’s

on fire again.

So I just stick it back in.

So she came and she
took me to the hospital.

But she said while I was in the car,
I was making jokes the whole time.

And she goes, you know,
you don’t have to make jokes.

And I’m like, I’m just
trying to distract myself.

This isn’t for you.

I’m just trying to say shit to keep
my mind occupied because there’s a

second degree burn which
apparently is the more painful one.

Oh really?

Well third is it hits
the nerves and the

nerves get burned
and you don’t feel it.

So is it isn’t the degree to do it
like the coverage over your body?

No, I don’t.

No, it’s the severity of the burn because
then they say second degree burns

over 80% of your body.

Second degree is how bad it is.

It’s like so how far down is the end?

How deep is it?

So if it’s a third degree burn,
you actually don’t feel anything.

No, because it’s just
destroyed on the nerve.

Everything’s been burned so it’s just gone.

So second degree hurts, like first
degree hurts, second degree hurts more.

And I got this like massive
blister on my hand and stuff.

But doctors had actually
healed up real good.

So nice.

Well that’s good.

Anyways, yes, I have a
weird relationship with pain.

Yeah.

I figure out, because I figure now
every injury going forward is going to be

worse because I’m old.

So I have to be really careful, but
I don’t know how to deal with that

because I’ve spent my
whole life being a tough dude.

Yeah.

And then I think I got to stop that.

It’d be more, take care of myself more.

Yes.

I just remembered another burn.

I got a friction burn.

Ooh.

You know that like
fake like grass stuff

that you can like like
sometimes they have it

on hill sides here and
you can like slide down it.

Oh yeah.

I don’t know what you call it.

It’s like fake snow.

It’s like a turf, but not.

Yeah, it’s stiffer than that.

So there’s a park in
town here where you can

get a sled and just
slide down this thing

and the kids run up and go down it.

When my youngest thought
was younger, she wanted to do it.

And then she got on one and I was
like, I will go next to you and we’ll do

it together.

But she went off first and was like
screaming and I was like fuck and I’d

like dive down together.

And I went down this thing and my
t-shirt rode up and I got this friction

burn down my side.

A holy shit that hurt.

That is a lot.

Yep.

Friction burns in bed.

Yeah, I was thinking about burns.

I mean, I have friction.

Yeah.

Because you get a lot of little
friction burns in judo just from like mat

and burn and stuff.

But when you’re new, you have no calluses.

So I have a friend who joined
and he’s like a sort of fourth week.

He had his first like
actual tough fight and

all the skin on your
first knuckle comes.

off.

And then he’s like, oh yeah.

I’m tight knuckle.

Yeah, because you’re
grabbing onto the judo suit.

And then I guess you’re like pulling in.

Yeah.

Up and down and around and stuff.

But first knuckles actually get burned.

So if a guy who punches the knuckles
on the top of his fist will get really

big in college.

A judo dude, it’s his frunk knuckles.

We’re going to look really fat.

The ones near the nails.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

People who are looking on on Twitch
can actually see my knuckles are bigger

in the front a little bit.

Yeah, no, they are.

You’re right.

I know the news.

Yeah.

That’s just countless.

But so I just looked at him and went,
oh, tonight’s shower is going to suck.

But no context.

And he’s like, what?

You’ll know.

And then he goes into the shower
as soon as the water hits his hands.

He’s like, oh, fuck, that’s
what he’s talking about.

Yeah.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

So you just got to take it.

Yeah.

That’s funny.

Yeah, because with
the weightlifting I do,

I get calluses on the
inside palm knuckle.

The opposite to punching one.

So I get that when I do
chin ups really regularly.

Yeah, yeah.

I can’t wear my red ring.

I had to put it on like a
chain and wear it on the neck.

Yep.

I had that as well.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(upbeat music).

[Music]

Premise.

I was going to actually
talk about this previously.

Previously on Peter’s or about shit.

My face. Previously in my face.

That’s what it should be called.

It’s like two months ago.

I got banged in the head in judo
and honestly it wasn’t that bad.

It’s what I thought.

And then I went home and put ice on it.

And I was like, okay, I’m
going to get a black eye.

It’s fine.
I’ve had those like a million times.

Then it went.

It went on and on and on.

It did not stop.

I was like, okay, this is worse.

It’s not turning black.

It was actually my biggest concern.

Because it’s not turning black.

Maybe I think it was like something more.

So then I went to the eye doctor.

And the eye doctor said your left eye.

The pressure is at five.

Which is good.

That’s normal.

So normal is apparently
between zero and ten.

Your right eye.

I forgot the exact.

I wrote down the number.

It was like 156.

It was hundreds of times more
than what it was supposed to be.

Your left eye.

Which one?

It was my right eye.

It was my right temple.

Your right eye was at
the bottom of the ocean.

Yes.

So it turns out the muscles
inside were so swollen.

It was squishing my eye.

And it changed basically my prescription.

This is where the premise came from.

So then I had to go on
steroids and in drops and stuff.

And all this other stuff.

And about two weeks later it was fine.

The next day.

The compression chamber.

Did your eye get the bends?

I’ve done a decompression chamber.

Really?

Yeah.

My university had one.

And you go into them for sports injuries.

So my university was one
of the biggest in Canada.

Tangent immediately.

It was one of the biggest in Canada.

And so it had like a full football
team, full basketball team.

The Giro team was nothing.

It’s like a side project.

Yeah.

That we had a teacher
so they made a judo club.

But all these facilities existed.

So because we
were official sports

team of the university,
we did get access.

We just got shitty access.

So it was like at three
o’clock in the morning,

if you’d like to use the
decompression chamber, you can.

10 minutes.

No, no.

But I mean, I was like– I
was like, someone else needs it.

Yeah.

And then someone who’s good needs it.

It’s what we support.

It’s like a member of
the football team needs it.

So you know, you have to get out.

But I did, yeah, I did it in university.

You just said it didn’t–
it wasn’t that bad.

Like I thought it would
be like feel different.

You just kind of sit there.

I didn’t understand
what was going on maybe.

Maybe they didn’t turn it on.

They didn’t even turn it on.

It’s like a lot of placebo effect.

Like this dumb shit.

He does judo.

He’s not going to know it.

Yeah.

He’s been bagged in the head enough.

That’s he think they
did the football guys, too.

Yeah.

No, no.

Yeah.

A lot of the stuff was
for the football team.

Our football team.

Yeah, but they’ve been
bagged in the head a lot.

A lot more than you.

Oh, yeah, I’m sure.

Because they do it on purpose.

Yeah.

I’ve been– They push that.

Yeah.

They push that.

Yeah.

It’s never been on purpose.

So.

But then I– after this
sort of eye adventure,

I was thinking like–
I– Why– You–

Why– You– Myself
and I adventure.

Why didn’t this hurt more?

Why didn’t this like affect me more?

I realized like it went
back to two years ago.

When I was in the hospital.

And they did that scan where they
put the radiation thing in my body.

And scanned all my
inflammation and scar tissue.

And the guy who ran that
machine thought it was broken.

And– Of the machine was broken.

Yeah, yeah.

So they put me in the machine.

And he was very proud–

This, this, this, Japanese dude
was super proud of this machine.

Because he was clearly
the only guy who can use it.

And he’s like, he’s like, “Mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

King of my little castle.

This is my domain.”

You know, he clearly was in charge.

And then he turned on the machine.

And then he walked out of the room.

And he walked back in with his
very concerned look on his face.

And he started doing
adjustments on the machine.

And he walked out– He
was like– Mumbling to him.

Why isn’t this guy dead?

Yeah, he’s like, “Wait,
I’m not too far off.

Zombies.”.

And then he came back in two times.

And then he just went
out and never came back.

And then I was in the bed in
the hospital waiting for results.

And the doctor came in and he just
looked at me like, “What the fuck?”

Yeah.

So basically my entire spine, my
hips, my neck, any joint had scar tissue

from 30 plus years of judo.

And so I realized like all that
is cumulative pain tolerance,

which is why I probably
got smacked in the head.

It probably hurt a lot, but
I’m just so used to pain.

Yeah.

It didn’t bother me.

It just why I didn’t go to
the doctor for like two weeks.

Yeah.

So I thought that was
interesting as a concept as an idea

because it’s like, we
consider pain tolerance good,

but it’s your body
sending you a message

that you should go
take care of something,

which I did not do.

Yeah, but some– I don’t know.

Yeah, maybe it’s just men.

We’re just idiots.

Because sometimes I
get a pain and I’m like,

“Ah, it’s just one of
them random pains.”

Like, it just comes and goes.

Like, I just ignore it.

It’s all right.

I think that’s fair.

I think the toxic masculinity
culture thing is a big part of it.

I think that is relevant.

Because I never, you know,
I never, no one ever told me

that feeling pain is like not manly.

That was never something that was said,

but I guess maybe I
absorbed it from somewhere.

All the man I think, honestly, all
of toxic masculinity is never taught.

It’s just culture.

Like, they don’t teach you culture.

You just grow up around it.

And you see how the other men act.

You see, again, our movies and stuff.

This, actually, I have
another applicable story.

Can you give me the end
of any sort of kumite movie?

So, Jean-Claude Van Damme,
he goes to a fighting tournament.

The last fight.

Can you summarize the last fight?

What happens in the last fight?

He gets his ass beat and he’s
bleeding and bruised and broken.

And then, some is some demon
from another dimension and wins.

Exactly.

Okay.

So, would you like to know the
real version that I went through?

Of course.

Then you got your ass beat and died.

No, no.

So, I was trying to get
into the nationals in Canada.

I was trying to go to
the Olympics, basically.

Yeah.

So, I’d won essentially half of Canada.

I needed to win.

Nice.

I needed to win the other half.

So, I– He did Canada.

I was– The French half,
or the– The French half.

The French half is actually
way better at chewed on me.

So, I’m in this judo tournament and I’m–

judo’s a lot of grabbing
onto the callers and stuff.

And this guy takes two of my
fingers and bends them backwards.

So, he breaks my little finger and I
think he, like, messed up the next one.

So, little fingers hurt.

Yeah.

So, what do I do?

I’ve seen a lot of movies in my life.

I’m like, tape it up.

I’m going back in.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because the end of every movie
I’ve ever seen and how do you win?

You win with your heart.

It’s not– You know, it’s
not– It’s not– It’s not great.

Yeah, it’s not how much you’ve trained
or how much you believe in yourself.

And I believe in myself.

And so, I am crying at this point.

So, they tape–

I tape up my fingers and I go back
in three seconds for the guy to win.

Yeah, I bet.

Because you can’t do
judo with only one hand.

And he just, like, ripped me apart
and I’m just lying in the ground going,

“Oh, this was dumb.”

And then, that’s the end of my judo career.

Yeah.

Backing off the mats, I’m
just bawling my eyes out.

I’m trying not to let anyone see
because I still have all the toxic

masculinity and stuff.

Just me just tears running down
my face and I’m like telling myself it’s

just because it hurts my hand.

I’m just like, “No, my
dreams have all ended.”

But that is the realistic
version of the end of that story.

Something bad happens that you
do not, you know, power through.

You do power through, yeah.

Like, you leading from my ears and my eyes.

You still got to win.

You just get your ass kicked.

Yeah.

So I was wondering, I have tons and
tons of stories about getting hurt, but

it’s all judo stuff.

But I was wondering,
like, what do you

think is the most pain
you felt at one time?

Oh, physically, like, the worst?

No, my diet don’t feel anything anymore.

Oh, that’s actually, yes,
that’s the callus of your heart.

The callus of my
heart, yeah, the,

it’s like, like, chicken
gristle in there.

But, um, I think
the worst physical

pain I’ve ever been
in was a kidney stone.

I’ve never had one.

Oh, my God.

I…

Oh, I thought a broken bone.

Like, a broken bone
was the worst pain

I’d ever had until I
got a kidney stone.

Did you, what, what, what,
what, what, what, did you break?

I’ve broken my, my, both, my feet,
like, metatarsals and both my feet.

How did you do that?

Um, I actually don’t even know.

Oh, no, that’s so much worse.

Well, I just kept
walking around as well,

like, making it swell
up and get worse.

Yeah.

And I’m like, I’ll go away, I’ll go
away until I could barely walk.

And then I finally
went to the doctor

and he went, yeah,
he broke in your bones.

And I’m like, what?

He said, be, where it
is, you can’t do anything.

So he just gave me some crutches
and said, just keep it off the ground.

Yeah, I’ve broken most of my toes.

Um, I think I’ve broken toes, but
I’ve never done anything about it.

There’s nothing you can do.

You can’t put a little
cast on it or anything.

So I just carried on with my day.

The best you could do is just tape it up.

I actually, um, I broke my little toe
in a judo practice and then I just put

on some really tight
shoes and I heard this crrrr.

And I was like, oh, it’s back in place.

No.

Right?

I’ve never dislocated anything.

That’s one thing.

The other thing I broke was my forearm.

I fell out of a tree.

Did that hurt?

I almost hurt.

Yeah, but… The bone
break doesn’t hurt.

It’s on the muscles
around it and stuff that hurt.

Yeah, I don’t really remember it hurting.

It is more like a quick snap of pain.

And then I was just like, oh, that hurts.

Like, the like that kind
of like, oh, that hurts.

And I wasn’t like crying dying.

I was like, oh, that really hurts.

Oh, yeah, that hurts.

This sucks.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

Like, I was a bit nutty as a kid.

I used to do mad shit.

And like, this is
before even knew about

what I think even
before Jack has existed.

Me and my friends used
to like try and do dumb shit.

Oh, look at that hedge.

We’re gonna jump through it.

Oh, my, I did that.

And then, yeah, you generally don’t
because all the fucking wood inside of

it stops you.

I had a friend who
was insane and he

and I used to try to
jump through hedges.

Yeah.

We’re about 16.

This is when we started drinking and
you get drunk and walk around outside

in the middle of winter in Canada.

And then, jump through people’s hedges.

But this dude was sick.

No, he was younger than that.

He used to break into people’s
house and take a shower and leave.

No, my God.

He wouldn’t do it.

He wouldn’t steal anything or anything.

The worst thing he did was basically
just take a shower, use their towels

and then get out.

That’s so weird.

It’s like, why?

Why?

He’s like, this is real man.

I’ve used their shower
and there’s nothing

they can, they can
never like undo that.

No, I loved it.

We used to go cliff jumping in Cyprus.

I think I must have been about 12 or 13.

And I thought it was, they were cliffs.

And they were like, I
don’t know, 20, 25 meters.

And we were just like, no.

And we stopped because one of our
friends actually hit rock in the water and

ripped his nipple off.

And then our parents found out
what we were doing because obviously.

Now we’re going to
take his to the hospital.

You know that platypuses
don’t have nipples.

They sweat milk.

They’re the weirdest things.

Platypuses are some of the
weirdest animals on the planet.

I read that this morning.

That’s weird that you brought up nipples.

This is just a little aside fact.

Platypuses couldn’t rip a
nipple off while cliff jumping.

Yeah, they can.

If they did do it, they
would start sweating milk.

And the males are venomous.

Yeah.

Only the males, not the females.

Only the males.

Yeah, it’s weird.

But yeah.

So kidney stone.

Kidney stone.

So I had a slight pain
in my stomach and

I thought it was trap
wind or something.

And it was, it was while I was in Japan.

In fact, it wasn’t long after I moved
here, maybe like a year and a half.

And I put it down to the change in diet.

Like, yeah.

Because my diet changed a lot living here.

I just embraced Japanese food.

Because a lot of people complain
that it’s expensive to live here.

But it’s people that
can’t let their old ways go.

Oh, they’re buying basically
import food all the time.

Yeah, I’m trying to
make western style foods.

And I’m like, that shit.

It’s so expensive.

Just eat Japanese shit.

Eat local foods wherever you are.

Yeah.

And I agree with that.

There’s a lot of people come
here and they lose a lot of weight.

Yeah, well, it was me too.

And then I put that down to
where I got the kidney stone.

And so anyway, I thought it was trap wind.

And I was like, I’ll be alright.

I was getting ready for work.

And it was slightly getting worse.

I was like, I just need to fart.

I just need to fart, but…

I was walking to work.

My walk to work
was about 30 minutes

then, because I lived
much further away.

And as I was walking to work, the
pain was getting worse and worse.

Like every step.

Like every step I
was just like, oh, like

someone just digging
a knife inside me.

By the time I got to work,
I just dropped on the floor.

And as I entered the building, and
my school director was sat in the office

and she just saw me.

And I just went, I need help.

I don’t know how to say the whole thing.

But yeah, she was freaking the fuck out.

And I was like, so you’re
on the ground basically, yeah?

I was on the ground.

That’s real.

Real.

I couldn’t… I don’t
know how I got that.

You’re director of the boss, whatever.

She’s probably a Japanese
lady who’s probably like 5-5.

This was actually something that
came up when I did the health checks.

The first time I did them, because
you don’t eat in the morning and then

they take your blood.

So I felt really faint.

And then she was like, are you okay?

And I’m like, I’m just let
me lie down for a minute.

I’ll be fine.

Then the next year I came back
and I was like, you know what?

We should just do this with
me lying down just in case.

And she was like, great.

Because if you fell on the
floor, I could not pick you up.

And I was like, that is
something I had not thought about.

She was like, I would have to just
leave you on the floor until you could

get up by yourself again.

But you’re bigger than me.

So I’m like a little Japanese lady.

It’s not picking you up anytime soon.

Just like put a map over top of you.

Yeah, don’t just give them a blanket.

It’ll be fine.

He’ll get up and put a map on a map.

Don’t put a map on a map.

It’s like an unspoken rule.

Like we freak out.

So what do the doctors do for that?

Well, so I think in the end,
I think she called my wife.

Oh.

And I don’t know why.

I was like, okay.

So my wife came and I got in the car
and we went to the doctors clinic near

my parents in all house.

Because he’s an internal doctor.

And he looked at me and he
went, oh, I think it’s two things.

One of them is very bad.

The other one, not so bad.

But didn’t say anything other than that.

And then just going to be
more careful with the ambulance.

Yeah.

And I was just like, what the fuck?

I am in so much pain.

Oh my god.

Don’t tell me something like that.

But then an ambulance came and
then they did a check and they’re like, oh,

you got kidney stone.

Okay.

And I was like, oh,
I mean, but then I

was like, I’m going
to have to piss it out.

And they went, we’re
giving you some medicine.

Hopefully it will dissolve.

Oh, yeah.

Because I read they had a
Sonic thing they could do now.

And it would break it up.

Oh, to break it up.

Basically blow it up in your body,
which I was like, that is freaky.

But the weirdest part
about this whole story

that’s not even pain
related is that the

doctor that ended up checking it,
the hospital I went to was one of my

students at the school.

Yeah, that’s kind of cool though.

Yeah.

And then she was like,
oh, god, are you okay?

And I’m like, no, she don’t know.

Yeah, actually, no.

I don’t know why I asked that.

I mean, the hospital right now.

And a while later at a school party,
I remember they were getting drunk.

And the first thing the SD asked
that student at the party was when Matt

went to the hospital,
did you see his dick?

I don’t know.

It is like, oh, it is the moment.

And she said, I can’t
say because I’m a doctor.

And I was like, what the wink?

What is this?

Yeah.

But the wink, the wink
actually is a good thing.

Yeah.

Because if it was like teeny tiny,
she would have done something else.

She would have been
like, you know, I saw it.

You would have done it.

Yeah, little finger prawn.

Yeah.

Oh, something like that.

That was fun.

But that was the worst pain, man.

Oh, my god.

I have two.

Yeah.

That’s either my balls or my hand.

Which you like to hear about.

Tell me about your balls, Peter.

It is, I think I’ve told
you this story, but

I don’t know what the
listeners, maybe I’m not

have heard it.

It’s in Montana, LDablo.

Yes.

It is one of the side bits.

I was in a judo practice and I
must have been hitting the balls.

I’ve like, there’s a thing, a throw
called Uchi Mata, which I might edit

into this, where your leg goes up
in between and off their balance.

It’s like a, a fulcrum in it flips up.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I think a guy did that to me poorly
and just kicked me in the balls.

But the adrenaline
meant I didn’t feel anything.

So I took a shower.

So that’s probably
like 15, 20 minutes later.

I took a shower.

And then I got my clothes
on and I was walking home.

So we’re talking like 20, 30 minutes
later and I just stopped and I go, oh,

like it was like delayed pain.

It felt like I had been hit
in the balls 30 minutes later.

Right that.

Yeah.

And then I was like, I had to turn
left and go home or turn right and go to

the hospital.

So I was like, I’m going
to go to the hospital.

Went to the hospital and I remember
the lady saying, like, what’s your name?

Like, my name’s Peter.

So if you’re like, health insurance
card and I give her what I can.

She goes, what’s your
postal code or something?

And I had, look, I just look
at her and went, my balls.

She’s like, what?

I’m like, balls.

Like I didn’t have numbers
in my head anymore.

I don’t know my phone
number and my postal code.

My balls hurt.

And I understand though,
I had a ball experience too.

Yeah, but I’m just
like, she’s talking to me.

I’m like, you don’t understand.

I mean, the emergency room for a reason.

There’s nothing left up here.

It’s all down there.

And then the doctor, they put me in
like a little bed and the doctor’s like,

he take off your pants.

And I take, I start to pull my pants down.

And he had a reaction.

So he went, the doctors
are not supposed to do this.

He went like, no.

So it was just balls.

The testicle sack was black and swollen.

Now it’s about two, three
times bigger than it should be.

Oh god.

And he goes, okay, again,
good news and bad news.

This is all corpuscles and
stuff and they’ve all burst.

So it means it’s going to heal up fine.

So that’s good.

You’re going to be fine.

Bad news is it’s going
to hurt for a long time.

So eventually this is a big bruise.

This is when the drugs they gave
me, the pain medicine started to kick in.

It was really, really strong.

So there’s all looping.

And he looks at me.

He goes, this is this, this,
oh, forget the phrasing.

It was like this kind of
traumatic incidents is very rare.

He used the word trauma.

This kind of specific
trauma is very, very rare.

Would it be okay if I
brought some of the

nurses in or some of
the other doctors into

the end gap?

And I’m on drugs.

I’m not feeling any pain.

I’m like, yeah.

So I’m lying in a bed with my
pants down and a t-shirt on.

So just like this band, it’s like
the opposite of a censorship bar.

And the nurses come
in and they go, oh, and

it makes a little sort
of concern sounds.

And then they go, like, does it hurt?

And I’m like, well, not right
now because I’m on drugs.

And then they move on.

And then it took me forever to realize
it’s been like two hours and groups

of two, three
people going through.

I think the whole hospital
came to look at my moles.

Yeah, I bet.

I’m like, are you going to see these?

Oh my god, this is ridiculous.

What this dude did to his ball.

So then, but I went
back to the hospital for

like three more years
because I was still.

at university and it
got really good service.

And I was like, that’s the ball guy.

He’s a hero now.

He’s really nice.

Mine, you don’t teach
us the aboles and the wall.

No, my Juno teacher’s
knee is in a medical journal.

Really?

Yeah, because the surgery was so rare.

He done so much damage to it that
they like reconstructed it and they took

pictures the whole
time and all that’s in a

medical volume
somewhere, which is neat.

Crazy.

Have you ever been hurt and like
followed the, like with my eye, you’re just

like, okay, it’ll
just get better.

I’m not going to do anything and
then you realized it was way worse.

There’s a teaching that’s not worth.

Yeah, no, I don’t think so.

Usually, if I ignore the pain,
it goes away and then it does.

I don’t know.

I’m pretty good at, I think, after
40 years on this earth, I’m good at

knowing when a pain is a real pain,
when I need to get a pain looked at.

Yeah, I can’t.

I can’t tell the difference anymore.

I feel like I’ve got
that down now,

especially like with
the weight training.

You get a lot of pain.

Yeah, sometimes you get pain in the
middle of a workout and I’ve got really

good at knowing whether,
that’s just a bit cramp.

I just need to stretch that out or
whether it’s like, no, I’ve tweaked that.

I’ve got to stop now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have basically been in
low-key pain for about 30 years.

Well, I mean me
too, because of my

height, like the world
isn’t built for me.

But even in the UK, like I had trouble
with everything being too low, I’ve

had pain since I was a teenager.

And in Japan it’s just amplified,
because I mean everything’s too low and it

also the doors.

Yeah, and the doors thing.

So on the train, the
bar for the door, I’m

184 centimeters and
the bar is set at 180.

So if I’m not careful,
it’s just, it’s not

that I hit my head,
I just ding the top.

Yeah.

Is there a walk out?

See where is my fucking smack it?

Yeah.

I told you the other
day actually, didn’t I?

I meant to like, I hit my head so
hard on a door frame the other day.

I cut the top of my head.

Yeah.

No, that’s messed up.

And sometimes I hit my head so
hard, I feel like a crunk down my spine.

I’m just like, ah, no, no, no,
that feeling, my whole body hurts.

Well, you feel, yes, because it like,
it like vibrates through your body.

Yeah.

And you hit it at the perfect
angle for it to just all compress.

No, sucks.

So yeah, I mean, I think a level of
constant pain is normal in my life too.

Hmm.

Yeah, I’ve just gotten, again, so now
I just assume it’s going to get better

because most of them do.

Yeah.

I turns out, because when they were
looking at my knees, that I’ve chipped

my bone in my knee
and it’s, so there’s a

floater and it’s
calcified, so it’s a little

ball.

So I can’t sit in
kneeling position anymore

with my right knee
because it won’t close.

It really starts to hurt, but the
doctor was like, ah, going in there and

digging it out, it’s
not really worth it.

And you have full range
of motion, basically.

So we’re not going to do anything.

I was like, so, okay.

I mean, I get it.

Like, getting it out is probably
going to go more danger.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it’s just
interesting to realize like

there’s bits of my
body floating around my

body.

And it’s, but like, like you’ve
got tattoos as well, right?

I haven’t tattooed my shoulder in my back.

I don’t have like you do.

You have, you have like all
of your legs and stuff, yeah.

Well, I, I don’t know.

I find like people like, oh, the pain.

I’m like, it’s not that bad.

I was cool.

But again, I don’t know if that’s
me because it can’t just be me.

There’s plenty of people that get them.

Yeah.

Then I wonder some
people like are in

constant agony getting
them, but they want it

for a reason.

Well, there’s, there’s people
who was like low-pain tolerance.

You hear about them just quitting,
like half of their tattoo, they quit.

So I got out on my shoulder, which
is mussely, and I got out on my back.

It’s not a tram stamp.

I got, I got one on my lower back
before trance stamps were a thing.

And like a year later, tram stamps
got top popular and I was like, oh, shit.

It was like, just do more
thong, you’ll be alright.

I got them on, I always were, I thought.

I got them, I got
them on meaty parts,

which I, my understanding
is that the meaty

bits hurt less.

Yes, absolutely.

Because I was, my
first choice for a tattoo

placement was on my
inner arm right, right

up near my armpit and the tattoo I
still like, you’ve literally chosen one

of the most painful
places to get a tattoo.

And I was like, well,
that’s where I want it.

So let’s go.

And it was generally
fine like towards the

elbow and in the middle,
but yeah, as it got.

up towards the armpit,
I was like, that’s fine.

But on the foot, she said this or
her, but actually just felt like a, like a

deep scratch.

No, okay.

The one on my back, it took, it
didn’t take that long because it was just

writing, but it

didn’t, I started to sweat near the
end, but it’s, I think it’s because it

was constant.

But it didn’t, I never like, twitched
around, like I was never at any point

like, I was moving,
yeah, it was fine.

Yeah, I never, and it’s
like, two needles are now.

So advanced, like they don’t
break the skin much anymore.

No, like they’re dragging it
along, but it’s so fine and so fast.

It is just, it’s not dragging the skin.

It’s like moving and piercing.

It’s, they’re amazing because I did my
shoulder when I was 18 and there was

blood, but it

wasn’t much.

And then now you can see them do it.

That’s hardly any at all.

Hardly any blood.

Yeah.

No, I, I didn’t bleed at all.

I don’t remember any blood.

The only coloring I saw
was the coloring of the ink.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was super impressed with that.

I am, I’m glad I found the artist I did.

And then piercings, I went through a
lot of piercings when I was a kid, like

I only, I got, got my eyebrow
done and I was like, that’s fine.

I got my nose done a
couple of times, that’s fine.

I never got any piercings
because you have

to take them out for
judo anyway, so I just

didn’t ever.

Yeah.

So I went through my
youth was tattoos were

cool and then piercings
were cool and then

branding was cool for me.

Ah, branding, yeah.

And I’ve been branding
seems like a step beyond.

That seems like a lot to me.

Scarification is a little popular now too.

Yeah, no, that’s too much for me.

Like even piercing, I was like, I
like the look of piercing, but I would

never do it to myself.

When I was, when I was 18, I went to
the piercing place to get my lip done.

I wanted the middle where the bottom
of my lip done and the guy was like, I

actually don’t have any of
those barbells in right now.

And I was like, oh shit, oh,
I’m here and I want a piercing.

So he’s like, could you tongue
and I went, yeah, all right.

Okay.

Ah, yeah, I wasn’t prepared
for the aftermath of that.

Oh, so your whole tongue swells up, yeah?

Yeah, like so what
they have to do, I didn’t

think about it and he
has these four steps

that I like, like they’re rounded.

So there’s a gap in the middle or the
top and the bottom and he just fucking

grips your

tongue and he has to
really grip it because

you’re going to pull
your tongue back.

Yeah.

So and I was like,
but he did it really fast.

He was a really
professional like, boom,

boom, boom, boom,
boom, and piercing and then

he’d go and I was just like, oh yeah,
oh yeah, and yeah, my tongue, oh fuck,

I couldn’t eat anything
for like a couple of days.

It’s just soup.

And then I had chicken soup and that
was a mistake because there were bits

in it and I was

kept thinking that the bits were
my piercing that I was swallowing.

Yep.

I have a friend who, I think it was
wisdom teeth he got out when his tongue

got swollen.

So they freeze your
whole mouth and he was,

they went to subway
afterwards and he was

eating.

He’s like, this is a
really two piece of meat.

He was chewing his own tongue.

No.

So when the, the, like anesthesia
wore off, his tongue was all chewed up.

He was like, he said there was no pain
worse than chewing your own tongue.

Oh God, I’m winsing right now.

It’s, it’s awful.

Like just hearing it, like you didn’t
have to think about it too much

because you just kind of
know how much that lasts for.

Yeah, because you bite your tongue
and you’re just like, oh, it’s like, it’s

worse than getting
punched in the face.

Yeah, oh yeah, I think so.

It’s, yeah, punch in the face is nothing.

Compared to that, that’s nothing.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, but pain, I don’t know, like
I have a weird relationship with it

because I, I think,

I think pain is good and I think that
people shouldn’t shy away from it.

No, I think pain
management is part of life.

Yeah, but people that are scared of
doing something because there could be

pain.

It’s, yeah, but pain, pain
isn’t going to kill you.

It’s ignoring the pain
signals that might

and there’s nothing
wrong with experiencing

pain.

I think it’s beneficial.

So I’m one of those
people who like,

you know, your kids
should hurt themselves.

I agree.

My kids there.

I, I guess it’s a mother’s.

Well, you don’t want them.

I don’t want them to go through
life being scared of feeling pain.

So like my kids would cut
themselves and then no reaction.

Like no, that like this very Japanese,
not Japanese, just moms, I guess.

They freak out.

Whereas I was like, oh, you cut yourself.

Let’s go pick out a bandaid.

Oh, and you got to push down on it
to make sure it and just really calm like

is, again, they’re not
going to die from a little cut.

And recently I cut the top off my phone.

Just tiny, tiny, but it was a slice,
not a, not a, I guess, like a knee.

Yeah, you took it off.

Yeah, the little circle
came off, not a slice.

I guess slice is a straight line and
slice is heal better, but because there

was nothing to hold on to.

So I’m like holding it down and I’m
bleeding a lot, but it’s not that bad.

And I’m telling my son, like,
can you get a bandaid in?

He took so much time.

And I was like, I’ve gone
too far the other way.

He’s just not concerned about this all.

I’m like pouring blood
into the sink right now.

Like, can you get something to
help me staunch the bleeding please?

And he’s like, I’m trying
to get the box open.

Yeah, that was a lot.

Yeah, so in summary, pain is good.

Yeah, I think so.

But don’t ignore it, people.

Go to the doctor.

Do you have, because my hand,
I’ve you’ve ever burned yourself?

Yes, with all kinds of things.

Oh, no.

Oil, water.

Oil is bad.

Oil is one of the
reasons if you get oil on

and you try to flush
it off with water, it

pushes it deeper into your skin.

Yeah, no, it’s bad.

Oil.

What was the worst burn?

The worst burn was an iron.

Oh, like, like, for a close.

Yeah.

It fell on my foot.

I was a kid.

I feel like I’ve gotten it.

My feet have gone out a
lot because it’s a big story.

My feet are huge and
they’ve kind of always been.

They stick out a lot.

That’s why again, I bash my feet so much.

Because I do my
roommate in university put

on oil to make French
fries and walked out

and took a phone call and then I
come in and the kitchen’s on fire.

So I grabbed the pot.

And so you can imagine
holding the handle of the pot.

Some of the oil splashed
out onto sort of my knuckle.

Right.

And so I take the
pot outside so that if it

just keeps burning,
it’s not going to burn

anything.

And then I put out what little
fire was in the actual kitchen.

And then then I
realize some oil is

dropped on the floor
and I stepped in it.

So the top of my hand and the bottom
of my foot have been burned with oil.

So I put my hand in
the freezer and I fill

up the sink with water
and I have my foot

in the sink.

And then my girlfriend calls me
and she goes, what are you doing?

I’m like, I’m just
standing with my foot

in the sink and my
hand in the freezer.

And she did me well enough to
know that like it’s a joke, but I’m also

actually doing that.

And she’s like, what happened?

I’m like, I’ve burned myself.

But if I take my hand
out of the freezer,

it immediately starts
to like feel like it’s

on fire again.

So I just stick it back in.

So she came and she
took me to the hospital.

But she said while I was in the car,
I was making jokes the whole time.

And she goes, you know,
you don’t have to make jokes.

And I’m like, I’m just
trying to distract myself.

This isn’t for you.

I’m just trying to say shit to keep
my mind occupied because there’s a

second degree burn which
apparently is the more painful one.

Oh really?

Well third is it hits
the nerves and the

nerves get burned
and you don’t feel it.

So is it isn’t the degree to do it
like the coverage over your body?

No, I don’t.

No, it’s the severity of the burn because
then they say second degree burns

over 80% of your body.

Second degree is how bad it is.

It’s like so how far down is the end?

How deep is it?

So if it’s a third degree burn,
you actually don’t feel anything.

No, because it’s just
destroyed on the nerve.

Everything’s been burned so it’s just gone.

So second degree hurts, like first
degree hurts, second degree hurts more.

And I got this like massive
blister on my hand and stuff.

But doctors had actually
healed up real good.

So nice.

Well that’s good.

Anyways, yes, I have a
weird relationship with pain.

Yeah.

I figure out, because I figure now
every injury going forward is going to be

worse because I’m old.

So I have to be really careful, but
I don’t know how to deal with that

because I’ve spent my
whole life being a tough dude.

Yeah.

And then I think I got to stop that.

It’d be more, take care of myself more.

Yes.

I just remembered another burn.

I got a friction burn.

Ooh.

You know that like
fake like grass stuff

that you can like like
sometimes they have it

on hill sides here and
you can like slide down it.

Oh yeah.

I don’t know what you call it.

It’s like fake snow.

It’s like a turf, but not.

Yeah, it’s stiffer than that.

So there’s a park in
town here where you can

get a sled and just
slide down this thing

and the kids run up and go down it.

When my youngest thought
was younger, she wanted to do it.

And then she got on one and I was
like, I will go next to you and we’ll do

it together.

But she went off first and was like
screaming and I was like fuck and I’d

like dive down together.

And I went down this thing and my
t-shirt rode up and I got this friction

burn down my side.

A holy shit that hurt.

That is a lot.

Yep.

Friction burns in bed.

Yeah, I was thinking about burns.

I mean, I have friction.

Yeah.

Because you get a lot of little
friction burns in judo just from like mat

and burn and stuff.

But when you’re new, you have no calluses.

So I have a friend who joined
and he’s like a sort of fourth week.

He had his first like
actual tough fight and

all the skin on your
first knuckle comes.

off.

And then he’s like, oh yeah.

I’m tight knuckle.

Yeah, because you’re
grabbing onto the judo suit.

And then I guess you’re like pulling in.

Yeah.

Up and down and around and stuff.

But first knuckles actually get burned.

So if a guy who punches the knuckles
on the top of his fist will get really

big in college.

A judo dude, it’s his frunk knuckles.

We’re going to look really fat.

The ones near the nails.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

People who are looking on on Twitch
can actually see my knuckles are bigger

in the front a little bit.

Yeah, no, they are.

You’re right.

I know the news.

Yeah.

That’s just countless.

But so I just looked at him and went,
oh, tonight’s shower is going to suck.

But no context.

And he’s like, what?

You’ll know.

And then he goes into the shower
as soon as the water hits his hands.

He’s like, oh, fuck, that’s
what he’s talking about.

Yeah.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

So you just got to take it.

Yeah.

That’s funny.

Yeah, because with
the weightlifting I do,

I get calluses on the
inside palm knuckle.

The opposite to punching one.

So I get that when I do
chin ups really regularly.

Yeah, yeah.

I can’t wear my red ring.

I had to put it on like a
chain and wear it on the neck.

Yep.

I had that as well.

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