Senate Virus Party

(upbeat music)

  • So last week I talked about
    how I enjoy Senate hearings.

My immediate thought was like, whoa,
I’m a boring person who does boring things

and I have a boring life.

But then I think anything
that pretends to be one thing

and then is another thing.

I sort of an inherent entertainment to it.

As you scrape away the layers
of the onion and try to find

the truth therein, this week
they did a Senate hearing

and it was the CEOs of
social media companies

and it was supposed
to be a harming children.

And this was to me,
pretty significant issue.

This is an important thing.

If social media is found
as be harming children,

should be protected, I
think that’s a pretty fair thing.

I immediately thought about how, if,

you really wanted to
turn this whole Senate

hearing on its head,
the first step would be,

if a social media company is responsible
for a child’s harm, as a result of these,

a host of media, this
primarily online bullying.

So kids use a social media
site to bully another kid,

that other kid harms themselves, the
social media company is responsible.

If we take that, that
was the Senate’s stance

in the way they were
primarily attacking these CEOs.

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for CEOs.

If you’ve listened to a
bunch of the most recent

Seamick bees, I’m not
a pro-CEO kind of guy.

I don’t mind if these guys
get their comeuppance.

But I also have the same
feeling towards politicians.

So I was like, first thought is, how do
I turn the Senate hearing on its head?

If the CEO of a social
media company is responsible

for the harm committed by
a user towards another user,

would not therefore then,
would not then therefore,

would not therefore, a
gun manufacturer president,

be responsible for the
harm of a gun being caused

by one user towards, in a very broad
sense, the end user of the weapon.

Now, ’cause most of
the people attacking this

were Republicans and they’re
very pro-gun anti-social media.

It’s an interesting dichotomy

because if social media is
dangerous, guns are dangerous.

And then one is more
viscerally factual sort of

in your face because
what they’re talking about

is the possibility to get harm
and mental wellness and stuff.

They’re suddenly
pretending to care about that.

It’s interesting,
whenever they try to argue

against gun control, they
talk about mental health.

Mental health in America would
fall under the purview of socialism

because it would have to
be a government program.

Suppose states could do it,
but then it would still be like,

taxes go towards the health care of people.

They need to come a long way
before they can resolve that dichotomy.

I don’t think I use the word
dichotomy correctly anymore.

I think I just use it
whenever I mean something

that doesn’t agree
with something else.

That might be the correct definition.

I had a couple cocktails at lunch.

Had a bad day at work yesterday.

Came home, had a couple cocktails.

We woke up, did a news
news Japan completely sober.

If you listen to the two episodes,

you probably might notice
a difference in the way I talk.

One, I’m now leaning way
forward into the microphone

in my eyes or about half open right now.

Whereas in the news Japan, I’m fully aware

and trying to try to try
to actually do a good job.

Not to say I’m not trying
to do a good job now.

I just don’t care as much.

I kind of wanted to just
talk about happy stuff.

No, whatever.

So what I actually was
interested in in this Senate hearing

is how the Senate
hearing is about child safety

and how little they
talk about child safety.

They really ran Zuckerberg
through the ringer on

this one, which I found
that kind of interesting.

But we get to Mr. Chu,
he’s the CEO of TikTok.

And I kind of like this guy.

I don’t know if TikTok is good or bad.

I’m pretty sure it’s bad.

I think all these things are bad.

But I think of the tech CEOs, I
don’t know if he’s the best one,

but he’s probably the smartest one

or the one I would most be
amenable to speaking with.

It’s very hard to say.

This is the way he handles himself
and these things is interesting.

So I thought it’d be
interesting if we went through

just a couple of minutes of the
most famous bits of testimony

that have absolutely
nothing to do with child safety.

I think they then had the
lawsuit and it was overturned.

I can’t remember that.

No, no, it’s the other kind of– Biden
administration that reversed those sanctions

just like, by the way, they
reversed the terrorist designation

on the Houthis and Yemen.

How’s that working
out for them? Do enjoy.

So this is Senator
Khan, he’s a Republican.

He has now taken one
issue unrelated to child safety.

Connected it to a second separate,
unrelated issue to child safety

to try to take a shot at
the Biden administration.

Not a terrible thing to do.

I mean, again, I don’t really have
any feelings one way or the other,

but none of what was just said
has anything to do with child safety.

But it was sanctioned as a
Chinese Communist military company.

So that’s interesting
because this is the opening

of the door to where he’s
going because he wants to.

Just like in the last hearing,
they wanted to prove that,

I think, ByteDance was a
member since a Chinese company

that then equates to TikTok,
which I believe they’re partners

or ones like them, but the
parent company or something.

TikTok is basically based in Singapore.

Mr. Chu is based in Singapore.

He’s Singaporean.

But they desperately want
to connect him to China

so they can then say that TikTok
is a Chinese communist conspiracy,

something like that.

And then they can attack him on that front
still has nothing to do with child safety.

So you said today, as you often
say, that you live in Singapore,

you said today as you often
say you live in Singapore,

it’s going to be surprisingly
self-evident as to where someone lives.

Because it’s going to be the
place that go to most often.

I would say that is pretty much
the definition of where you live.

So it’s not like a supposedly,
it’s not like a possibility.

And I am what I want is the person
who’s being haranged on one of these

Senate hearings to talk back or explain
what the disingenuous senators are doing

and see how they react,
because if you pointed it

out, I think again, this
puts it all on display.

Really, all these Senate hearings are
about let’s make speeches on behalf of my

party to try and gain political points.

They don’t often seem to be
trying to solve any actual problems.

Of what nation are you a citizen?

Pretty self-evident.

You would actually know that
going into this if you were smart.

Singapore is it?

Are you a citizen of any other nation?

No, Senator, have you ever
applied for Chinese citizenship?

Senator, I serve my nation as Singapore.

No, I did not.

So that’s pretty definitive.

He says he served his nation.

What he’s actually saying is that Singapore
has two years mandatory military service.

He’s done military
service in Singapore.

Korea has the same thing as a few
other countries that have the same thing.

It’s a pretty significant commitment
if you literally go into the military

for your country and then to turn around an
accused of being a Chinese communist agent.

I mean, I’m not to say
it’s impossible, but Mr.

Cotton, the Republican representative
here, he’s stuck with thinking that if he

keeps asking directed
questions that eventually

Chu will make a mistake,
but Mr. Chu is not.

He’s just going to say no, even
if he’s lying, even if it’s not true.

He’s smart enough to go,
no, I’m not a Chinese citizen.

Do you have a Singaporean passport?

Yes, and I served my military for two, two
and a half years since you have any other,

do you have any other
passport from any other nation?

No, Senator, your wife is an American
citizen, your children are American citizens.

That’s correct.

Have you ever applied
for American citizenship?

Not, no, not yet.

See, Mr. Cotton believes that, you
know, everyone wants to be American.

Everyone given the opportunity
would become American.

He doesn’t realize there’s a broader
view in the world that maybe the American

passport isn’t quite as valuable
as you might think of me.


That okay, I love.

I’m finding that one of the more
satisfying aspects of this whole thing.


I asked you a bunch of questions.

You said no to all of them.

Pretty pretty effective deflection.

I wasn’t ready for that.

I actually kind of want to go
back and hear that little, okay again.

Not, no, not yet.


Have you ever been a member
of the Chinese Communist Party?

Even if he was, he knows enough.

He’s smart enough to say no.

Senator, I’m single poet, no.

Have you ever been associated or affiliated
with the Chinese Communist Party?

No, Senator, again, I’m single poet.

Let me ask you some hopefully
simple questions you said earlier.

In the thing, if you’re
listening to the audio version,

Mr. Chu, the CEO of TikTok, is
basically laughing at this point.

He’s like, this is ridiculous.

How do you keep saying like, you’re saying
vaguely different things in the hopes

that at one point I’ll
mess up and go, yes, I am.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You’ve gotten me, I’m a communist.

And there’s foster question that what
happened at Tiananmen Square in June of 1989

was a massive protest.

Anything else happened in Tiananmen Square?

Yes, I think it’s well documented.

It was a method.

I love that.

I think it’s well documented.

Like, we all know what happened, even
though it’s like Chinese state media leaked

that we all know what happened in
Tiananmen Square, it’s well documented.

So he was really hoping
he would deny the massacre.

And he just comes out
and says there’s a massacre.

Tim and Square in June,
Chinese Communist Party.

No, Senator, again, nice thing to play.

Let me ask you some hopefully
simple questions you said earlier.

Hopefully simple questions.

The sarcasm that
everyone puts on is amazing.

I actually think that is one of the reasons
I enjoy Senate hearings is because these

guys do sarcasm, but they’re
not actually good at sarcasm.

In response to their
question, that what

happened at Tiananmen
Square in June of 1989

was a massive protest.

Anything else happened in Tiananmen Square?

Yes, I think it’s well documented.

It was a massacre.

There was an indiscriminate
slaughter of hundreds or thousands.

So, Mr. Chu has just said there was a
massacre and he’s trying to reiterate it.

Like he didn’t just say that.

Let me ask you this.

Joe Biden last year said
that Xi Jinping was a dictator.

Do you agree with Joe
Biden as Xi Jinping a dictator?

Senator, I’m not going to
comment on any world leaders.

It is interesting that he says he
will not disparage any world leader.

And he’s not going to
disparage any world leader

because that would
actually make it harder

for him to sell his product,
TikTok in this case, in that country.

And he’s not going to
cut off a billion potential

customers to satisfy
one senator in America.

Now on to lighter news.

I don’t know if this has
turned into a new show.

I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore.

Since I’ve had cocktails,
this is kind of drunk news.

I had some, you know, good stuff set up.

I’m wondering if I’m doing a disservice
by doing it in this state of mind.

If I should just talk about
something else that’s a bit sillier.


Fuck me, it’s science fiction, it’s
science fiction and it’s terrifying.

A Chinese lab has created a
mutation of the coronavirus.

It’s called gx_p2v.

Already, what the fuck, guys, come on.

You have the
coronavirus and you’re like,

let’s, let’s mutate that
and see what we can do.

I mean, they’re, I understand
they’re not going to go as

simplistic as just straight
up calling it the T virus.

But why would you make a new
mutated strain of coronavirus?

The more terrifying aspect
of this new mutated strain

of coronavirus that they
created in this Chinese lab

was it causes 100% death in humanized mice.

So then we get to the second, what the
fuck, what the fuck are humanized mice?

Are we killing Stuart Little?

Is Stuart Little running around in a
little, little cage and then the Chinese

scientist coming up and like,
hey, we have this new coronavirus.

Would you like to take it and
Stuart Little being innocent,

goes, oh yes, I’d love
to help out and then they

give it to him and then he gets sick
and dies because it has a 100% death rate.

Why would you want to create
a virus with a 100% death rate?

This is bad science fiction
writing science fiction.

Like when they talk
about anything in science

fiction, they always
has to, it has to be like

perfect 100% murder death stuff.

T virus infects 98% or
99% of the people and

they turn into zombies
and then in like few

1% mutate into a higher
species or something.

That’s not a good idea.

I mean, from any aspect
scientifically, it’s not a good idea.

Economically, it’s not a good idea.

If you’re a company
president, it’s not a good idea.

Don’t, don’t do that.

Stuart Little, I have to think, I actually
have no problem with killing Stuart Little.

Stuart Little is a piece
of shit and I hope he dies.

The reason though is back
when I was young, I went

to San Jose and I went,
I flew down to San Jose

from Vancouver for a job fair and I
actually been lied to by a recruiter.

So the recruiter said, come on
down, we’ll be able to get you a job.

Of course it’s not that simple.

So I fly on down, call the recruiter,
I’m like, I’m here and they’re like, what?

I’m like, I’m here.

You said, if I came down,
you’d be able to get me a job.

Recruiter then just ghosts me.

So I’m going around San
Jose trying to find something,

but the level of depression
is super deep at this point.

Then the second day, I’m only in
there, I’m only in San Jose for like three,

four days because I’m supposed to be
in my mind doing a series of interviews

like day after day after
day, did not happen.

The second day there’s a
chemical plant that has a leak.

The chemical leak, we
get a message with the

motel, not fancy hotel
stuff because I’m poor.

We get a message in the motel that we’re
not really allowed to go outside anymore.

So I have to stay inside a motel.

Now this is back when HBO was
a new channel, HBO at that time.

Basically for about 24 hours, we would
put on two or three movies on repeat.

So within the order of 26, 30, 40 hours, I
don’t know, however long I was essentially

locked in that room so that I wouldn’t go
outside into the toxic wasteland that was

America and get poisoned to death,
I watch Stuart Little multiple times.

Weirdly, I can remember very
few details about Stuart Little.

I don’t know a lot about
what happened Stuart

Little despite the fact
that I can honestly say

I’ve seen it at least four
times, probably five or six.

I know that my brain
has reorganized itself.

So I’ve put a block on the
time that Stuart Little existed.

So as far as I’m concerned, Stuart
Little is only pain, it’s only suffering.

Stuart Little, if it had never existed, I
think my life would be better somehow.

So I blame weirdly Stuart
Little for most of my problems.

But back to China, GX
underscore two P2V, a corona

related virus found in a
Malaysian Panagolins in 2017.

So they’re hunting
around, they find panagolins.

These are these cute little
bird things from correct.

Actually, I’m going to look that up to
make sure I’m not just talking at my butt.

My butt does do a lot of talking though.

Sorry, it’s a little armadillo-like thing.

So I need to back up.

In 2017, I thought they were little birds.

In 2017, these Chinese scientists
found in Malaysian Panagolins, a new virus.

And they’re like, we’re
going to take that virus.

It’s like a cousin to corona virus.

We’re going to mutate
it, fuck with it a little bit.

And we’re going to
make it so that it kills

every humanized mouse
it ever encounters 100%.

And then we’re going to make it the freakiest
fucking science fiction we can make.

All infected mice died within eight days.

Why are you hunting for
armadillo-like animals and

extracting stuff and trying to
see what viruses they have?


This is maybe a question of science.

There are lots of things
that I can understand.

Why do we do something?

It seems difficult to comprehend
to the average lame in like myself.

I’m a lame and I don’t
understand a lot of stuff.

I’m kind of dumb.

Let’s find new viruses
and mess around with them

so that they are
designed to kill everybody.

Seems like bad science.

It’s, again, I think we’ve
gotten to the bad guy

in a James Bond film
level of ridiculousness.

When we’ve hit that stage.

All infected humanized
mice still freaks me

out every time I say that
word humanized mouse.

Died within eight days.

Their eyes became completely
white the day before they died.

Which is literally the most
science fiction shit you can get.

It’s almost like the Chinese government
went to these scientists who were like,

find a disease that is the most sci-fi
thing horror movie shit you could ever find.

And make it real.

Why? Again, nothing.

I don’t know.

There is a gentleman, a Francois Balois.

He’s the University College of
London Genetics Institute said,

“I can see nothing of value or interest
that could be learned from force infecting a

weird breed of humanized
mice with a random virus.

” Now, when I say it, it doesn’t
have a great deal of impact.

This guy, it does.

He, he, he studies this stuff.

He’s dead serious about viruses
and he’s like, I don’t see the point.

When I say I don’t see the point,
you’re like, well, chunk, read, chest.

You’re too stupid to see the point.

Why can I actually have it backed up this
time by saying, no, this guy, Francois.

He doesn’t see the point.

Me and Francois were on
the same page and he’s smart.

Conversely, I could see
how such stuff might go

wrong, which is the most apocalyptic
statement a geneticist could make.

And then this, this severely
fuels the conspiracy theory.

So like I heard about all the theories at
the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic,

that it was a virus designed to kill off
old people to stem the aging population

in China or Japan or something like that.

That it was designed
to kill people to a degree.

If you have a disease and now you’ve made
it that it’s 100% fatal to humanized mice,

it’s really fueling that
conspiracy theory a little bit more.

And you might, just as a general
thing, maybe just PR, not want to do that.

Feel bad stories.

Maybe that’s where we are today.

The other story that caught my interest
this week was a 40 year old English man.

It was in Thailand, you
know what, 48 year old

English man in Thailand
do, they have a good time.

So he’s living the life.

And then of course like
every 48 year old man

who doesn’t have a job and is
just in Thailand, he ran out of money.

So he calls up his family and he says,
hey, can you send me more money?

His family’s like, fuck off.

That’s the short version.

I don’t know how the
actual conversation went,

but I’m betting it was
something either British.

So piss off might have been
more the phraseology they chose.

So of course what he
did was just packed it up

and he went home and
he got a job and he lived

a quiet life or he could
do something more exciting.

He could pretend he got kidnapped and then
it tried to extort his family for money.

Now before I continue
with the story, can you

think of all the ways
this could go wrong?

Because I did reading
the title of the article.

I was like, I can see how
this does not work out for him.

Because if you are a 48 year old man and
you spend your time in Thailand partying,

you haven’t really sort
of set a stabilized aspect

of your life so that you look
towards future consequences.

That’s what I’m going to say.

I’m going to predict that for this man.

He really committed to the plan though.

And that’s actually something I
complain about criminals on the industry.

Not committing to the
plan or not following through.

We’re not doing all the things.

This guy, he did it.

So he has three friends and he has those
three friends beat the shit out of him.

So he has bruises and stuff all his face.

If you’re one of these
guys friends, this is

probably the best night
you’ve had in a while.

It’s like, hey, we got this guy.

He’s in the friend group.

I don’t know if he’s a
friend, but he’s in the

friend group and he
just literally asked us.

To beat the shit out of him.

So he looks like he’s been kidnapped and I
would be like, you know what? I’m on board.

I’m going to call Dave.

I’m going to call everyone else.

We’re going to show up.

We’re going to beat this guy.

It’s going to be a great night.

We’re going to have cocktails after them.

Then they need deposes gangsters
and demand money for his release.

So they do some FaceTime videos.

They record some videos.

They send to his family
of him looking beat up

with guys in the
background saying he’s been

kidnapped, send money or
they’re going to finish them off.

The family does what I would consider
the most logical and obvious next step,

which our gentleman friend, the
hero of the story, had not considered.

They called the police.

The police then call Interpol
because this is an international

police issue because it’s
between multiple countries.


I don’t know enough
about them in real life, but

I know what I’ve seen in movies
and they do not fuck around.

Actually, most of the Interpol
movies are a bit ridiculous.

So I bet that’s not very realistic.

I spend a lot of, they spend
probably a lot of time on

computers, following money
trails and stuff like that.

But realistically, when Interpol says we
need a SWAT team strike team or something,

I bet they get what they
want and it’s pretty hardcore.

So the family is called the police.

The Interpol then track
him down at a hotel.

They don’t say what that means.

I would be interested
to know what that means.

Maybe he’s credit card
where he was staying.

They have a strike
team and breach the door.

Now, when you use the word breach,
as opposed to break down or kick in,

you know there was a small explosive
involved, which again, I do love.

I love that how far this has gotten
out of hand with him, not even realizing.

At this point, the
guys in the room, he

thinks my family’s going
to send money any day

now and we’re going to be able
to keep partying for however long.

And then I’ll just do it again.

I’ll just recycle my kidnapping scheme.

My family keeps sending money.

They’ll never catch on because
he thinks there is dumb as he is.

The police breach the door.

They do not find him kidnapped.

They find him drinking and doing
drugs with the supposed kidnappers.

Who are all his friends?

The arrests are going
to include illegal firearms.

So the ex-ed guns, which is surprising,
illegal ammunition, a variety of drugs,

possession of drugs, doing
drugs, whatnot, and expired visas.

Most likely he’s actually just
going to get deported to the UK.

The interesting thing to me is now
to think about the aftermath of this.

So he’s been deported to the,
so he’s faked his kidnapping.

He’s been arrested by
Interpol who’s probably

going to charge him,
if not for a crime,

for the money that it costs to, you
know, get the strike team and save him

from his fake kidnapping.

He has to go home to
his family because I’m

going to guarantee this guy
doesn’t have his own place.

He doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t
have, he’s not taking care of himself.

He was using other people’s money to
go party in Thailand. He’s 48 years old.

He’s not got a
handle on his life.

He’s not, you know, figured
out how the world works,

especially because he thought
this scheme would work in 2024.

I’m trying to imagine.

I don’t know his family, the first
night home where he’s having dinner.

Realistically, they should probably
disown him and not let him in,

but they’ve obviously like fostered
this kind of behavior in the past.

So I actually bet he comes home for dinner
that night, which is just off the chain.

This is like just buck wild stuff.

Now, yeah, I mean, conclusion.
I didn’t write a conclusion.

Doing multiple stories, I want a
conclusion that ties them all together.

So this is going
to be a new skill.

I’m going to have to work on, and I
shouldn’t work on it on four drinks.

Let’s put it that way.

Senate hearings need to be
focused on the actual issue at hand.

Don’t make viruses
that are going to kill

everybody on the planet and
don’t fake your own kidnapping.

Is that where I am? That’s
a very weird place to be.

And here we are. This is where we are
in the world. So having heard that though,

at least you know
you can do better.

And if you’re feeling like
you’re not doing a good job,

you didn’t fake your
own kidnapping this week.

You didn’t create a virus that could
potentially kill the entire planet this week.

And you didn’t do a
fucking weird Senate hearing

where you didn’t even
focus on the issues this

week when you were just
like political grandstanding.

You woke up and you
did your job and you

tried to be a good person and you tried
to live your life. And I appreciate you.

I don’t appreciate senators who
are just political grandstanding.

I don’t appreciate
scientists who are

creating megaviruses
that are in kill everybody.

And I don’t appreciate
fake kidnappings.