Alien Caveman Finale

(upbeat music)

So, there are three chapters left.

So I believe we are at the end of caveman aliens,

ransom, a Sci-Fi, BBW, alien faded mates, romance, I believe.

I don’t know how many times I’ve done this now.

So there’s been 14 months.

So a year every month, I’ve been reading chapters of this book.

And I have to say, I did not enjoy any of this sex.

I did enjoy the world building.

I didn’t really enjoy the characters that much.

Dialogue’s pretty weak.

But I got into it.

So here we are, chapter 28.

I think 29 30.

What’s the situation?

Summary, the final summaries, the ladies were taken

from their university where they were working

on translation device, transported through space

where they tried to take over the ship,

failed miserably, were dropped on a planet.

The planet had dinosaurs, kind of, alien dinosaurs.

They were all looking for food.

Sophia, our main character, falls into a river

that makes you drunk, gets, falls down like a waterfall

into a cave where she meets a man, alien man,

who is jacked on steroids, has tiger stripes on him

and red eyes that are sexy as hell apparently.

He also has two penite, a big one

and a little one that looks like a sex toy.

He decides, this is the fruit, there are no women on this planet.

They reproduce by putting their genetic material

into a plant and growing essentially clones.

They did not get specific as to how they

put their genetic material into the plant.

I believe they have sex with the plant.

He tries to wake her up by performing oral sex on her.

She says it’s really good, but then goes, “Hey, you shouldn’t do that.”

They hang out for a bit, they get down and they knock boots.

They start, he’s like, “Hey, come back to my village.”

He’s like, “I gotta help my friends.”

She goes back to her friends, they go to the village,

she goes to the village, they meet again,

they knock boots again, it’s really good apparently.

They get to the village and then the priest of the village

is like, “Whoa, she’s the mother for told in her prophecy.”

Those other women are on our sacred ground

and either they come down and be our sex slaves or we kill them.

This view is like, “Hell no!”

So then she gets put in prison while

they try to figure out what to do with her.

Unknown stranger puts a ladder because it’s just like a big hole.

Put a ladder in the prison, she crawls out

and then works her way back to her friends.

She only knows one person on the planet,

so it was pretty clear who it was from the beginning to me,

but they tried to make that in mystery,

which was a good effort, but pretty much a failure.

They get back to the container that was

dropped on the planet with all the women in.

They’re all overjoyed to see each other

and then these things, they’re calling them not Dakto’s,

they’re taradactyl giant bird dinosaur

things are coming in and going to attack

and they were gonna kill Sophia and

then a whirling blade of madness came out

and started cutting stuff up.

That was Jackson.

Our heroes love interest.

The hero being Sophia, in this case, heroin.

I actually, you know, I don’t see heroes

being gendered, so I’m sure I’m wrong.

But our hero love interest, Jackson came in and he’s, (imitates gunfire)

he’s cutting them all up and shit, but he’s getting tired and she’s like,

I have to go back, I have to help.

So, let us make this happen.

Chapter 28, Sophia.

I hiss and curse and scramble and try to claw my way to the door,

but not have to help him, but the

other girls hold me back until I calm down.

There’s nothing you can do, someone says into my ear.

We have no weapons.

She had a gun, she’s used it all.

Good stuff.

You’ll just get it his way.

I realize that it’s true and I take a deep shaking breath

and try to keep from breaking down into a screaming heap,

a sore, sob forces its way out of me.

As my world is filled with black despair,

still I notice that the girls are filled with something else.

God, that’s him, that’s her boyfriend.

Fuck, he’s hot, okay, pause.

You are in a container that is being attacked by dinosaurs.

You are all under the threat of death.

You may notice that he’s a very attractive man.

You are not going to start having conversation about it.

You are going to be in stiff silence,

you’re going to be stunned, you’re going to be shocked.

Okay, then the next sentence makes though.

Are they all like him?

So like can I get one too?

He just chopped off its head with a single slice.

I’ve never seen anyone jump that high.

Yeah, the other girls saw him too.

For the first time I realized I can just shake my head.

They’re definitely not all like him, not at all.

No one’s not like him in the whole universe.

I can hear the screeching from the knot ductiles outside.

I clamp my hands over my ears.

And then the whole tuna can’t reverberate

with a bang, so loud, Caroline loses her balance.

It falls on her butt.

We stare at each other.

What the hell?

Then there’s another bang and another.

And I realize that the walls of the tuna

can are getting dented from the outside.

The dents protrude into the can.

They’re big and pointy.

Like, dactyl beaks.

They’re trying to break into someone whispers.

Shit, I wonder if it’ll hold together.

It did go through space.

I’m pretty sure I can handle a dinosaur.

We sit in a huddle on the floor and hug each other.

Looking up at the ceiling, we’re more and more dense

and more performing with loud rattling bangs.

It’s like being inside a huge drum when

someone’s throwing large rocks at it.

The gun is empty, I whisper, unnecessarily in a sore throat.

Do we have any Spears?

Just this or a whole set of stick that’s only the size of a pool cue.

But I think it’s pretty much worse than nothing.

Roll and window.


The tuna can is now reverberating constantly

with bangs and the dactyls are definitely sitting

on top of it and pecking hard at the metal.

Many new dents develop.

The sound is taking on a strange sound

as if the metal is starting to give in

that a streak of daylight appears in the ceiling.

That’s a whole, somebody says.

It’s not holding.

Fuck, this can’t be good.

All that exposition, I know it’s only four lines, completely unnecessary.

Everyone would understand.

But I feel a calmness come over me.

I’m pretty sure Jaxon is dead.

Those dactyls are fierce and there were hundreds of them.

He can’t defeat them all.

This whole thing is just no good outcome for me.

Because it’s time to get real.

We have no way to get off the planet.

The plude aren’t going to come back and get us again.

Even if we survive this, we’ll be killed by something sooner or later.

And this being eaten by dinosaurs is probably

better than being kept as a sex slave

by a stone age tribe.

And better than being sacrificed and better than being slowly killed by one.

This is a very long sentence.

And better than being slowly killed one after the other

by a various horrors of this planet.

Maybe dying like this isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

At least we’ll die together.

In reality, we were dead the moment we were kidnapped from Earth.

I’ve known it all along.

I just haven’t admitted it to myself.

Don’t worry, girls.

I say I can hear the flatness of my voice.

This is all going to be OK.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay in care.


The entirety of this book.

She’s taken on a role of the happy, go lucky girl.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay

in character as the cheerful one to the end.

No one replies.

They probably think I’ve gone crazy.

There’s a horrendous metallic shriek

as a portion of the roof is being rolled and ripped off.

Along beak dips down.

We all squeal and bunch together up to the wall by the door.

Other parts of the roof are breaking down too.

And pieces of the metal are torn off the top.

Like an actual tuna can, can.

Tuna can being attacked by a maniac with a blunt knife in each hand.

Pointy, not dactyl snouts with terrible teeth are being stuck in from above.

Now we can smell them too.

It’s a smell like rotting meat and sulfur.

I think this is it, girls.

The deliost says calmly.

We deserved an end better than this.

But for what it’s worth, it’s been a pleasure working

with all of you because they’re not in the military.

They can’t say serve.

So it’s been a pleasure working with all of you.

We all look to each other.

It’s hopeless, but we face certain deaths so many times now

that we just don’t have many more fucks to give.

We clutch each other’s hands, slender, dirty, sore,

and bruised hands that were used for lifting coffee mugs

and using cell phones and writing on computer keyboards.

But then had to do a very different things on this planet.

I’m proud of us.

I think we’ve done really well.

Even if it ends like this, damn right.

It’s been an honor, guys.

Thanks for everything, ladies.

We’re the best fucking tribe on this shitty planet.

The best by far, I heard the other ones.

I don’t even have– I heard the other ones don’t even have women.

Fuck this useless planet.

And it’s pitiful, loser kidnappers that dumped us here.

I’d like to see anyone else do this after us.

Earth, girls, rule.

Thanks, guy.

Fuck this is some painful dialogue.

They could have had someone give sort

of a mini-month-a-log to three sentences.

And then they all just kind of agree would have been more impactful.

The dialogue in this has been rough.

It’s been hit and missed.

Sometimes it’s pretty good.

Sometimes it’s pretty bad.

This to me is bad.

I don’t think this is– I am very big on if I’m writing a serious

story, how would people actually talk?

And a lot of times in these kind of situations,

they just wouldn’t say anything at all.

So that’s what you have to go with.

They certainly wouldn’t have a line for everyone that they pass around.

Something makes me get to my feet, and

the girls are looking at me in puzzlement.

My knees are weak.

My movements are jerky with fear.

But I know what to do.

Jaxana’s alone out there.

He has to be dead already.

But I want to go to him.

No, I need to go to him.

I will die holding around his dead body.

It’s right.

You know, I’m not sitting here like a trapped rat just waiting

for a damn-not-dacto to decide to eat me.

Gun or not, I’m going out fighting.

I slapped the door button and step outside.

That’s pretty cool.

Now, she says she’s going to go out and die holding her lover’s body.

I’m OK with that.

She says she’s going to go out fighting.

I think it would be worth to go out fighting.

This is a classic.


There’s tons of movies where they have

the guy with a gun and a guy without a gun.

And they say dig a hole.

And it’s clearly that he’s digging a grave for himself.

And when he’s dig onto a certain point, the guy shoots him.

And he falls down dead in the hole.

I’ve always thought in that moment, I’m going to die anyways.

I don’t want to die digging my own hole.

So since I’m going to die anyways, it would be worthwhile

to attack the man with the gun and give it a shot.

Because if I lose, he’s going to kill me.

But then he has to dig the hole.

If I win, I don’t have to dig a hole.

So regardless of result, I am plus not digging a hole.

Whereas that guy is 100% digging a hole or dying.

So it’s kind of win-win even if you lose.

She’s kind of got the same philosophy.

She’s like, I’m going to die.

I might as well die on my own terms.

This is how I’m going to do it.

I got some respect for Sophia.

Chapter 29.


I just, just as I exit the tuna can, all the not-dactals

take off and soar into the sky.

More like a flock of giant starlings than a swarm of deadly predators.

I can’t count the not-dactals lying dead on the ground.

They’re too big.

They’re probably at least 20.

The rest are now flying off fast into the distance.


I hadn’t noticed that they hadn’t stopped attacking at the roof.

I peer skeptically up to the sky.

But it actually does look like they’re all leaving.

Probably they’re not used to the resistance.

And certainly not the resistance, Jackson must have given them.

But where is he?

A huge not-dactal carcass strut.

The huge not-dactal carcass strut, strune

everywhere, and make it hard to find him.

But then I finally see him.

And my hands go to my mouth.

Oh my god.

He’s on his knees.

And his sword is on the ground.

He’s bleeding profusely from many cuts and slashes

in irregular wounds that I realize are not dactyl bites taken out of him.

I run over with a panic, rising once more.


He raises his head and says something.

But I don’t have the translator.

And I don’t know what he’s saying.

The blood is dripping from him, and already

collecting a black puddle under him.

Hell by scream towards the tuna can’t,

because this is more than I can handle on my own.

I never expected him to still be alive.

I see the girls looking out and up to make sure the not-dactals are gone.

And then Delia and Heidi come running.

Is he OK?


He chased them away.

That’s insane.

I realize that any place is as good as the other right now.

And we can treat him right here in the shade,

finding him alive, reignites the hope in me.

We need something he can lie down on.

The bandages rip up lab coats into long strips

and take care of him while I go and find herbs.

We have to stop that bleeding and maybe prevent infection, too.

I run into the woods to where I know there

are many different bushes and plants and herbs.

I’m still choked up with fear for Jackson.

I have to stop or slow the bleeding somehow.

If he has internal injuries, I don’t think there’s much I can do.

I find the herbs and I know I know we’ll clean the wounds.

It hopefully helps slow the bleeding.

And if I pick every leaf of it, I find the herbs I know

will clean the wounds and hopefully help slow the bleeding.

And I pick every leaf of it.

I can find and I run back to Jackson half

expecting him to be dead on the ground.

He’s on the ground but he’s still alive and

even smiling with a face that’s so pale,

I feel my face crunch up in fear because his blood loss scares me.

But if there was ever a time when I should

be happy, go lucky, this is it, fuck you.

I use two rocks to mash the various herbs into a green, fresh smelling paste

and gently apply it to the biggest wounds.

Caroline and Amelia bring one of the permanent mattresses

they’ve made for themselves to sleep on.

Jackson slowly shifts his position so he can lie down.

He says something with a smirk and I know he’s making a joke.

Black humor.

That scares me too.

He knows this is bad.

Caroline goes back to the tuna can to boil water

and Amelia goes to get water for him to drink.

What can I do, Aurora asks?

I show her the medicinal plants.

Get more herbs like this.

She runs into the woods.

Heidi runs over with a lab coat then starts

ripping it up and carefully puts strips

on the wounds that we’ve put the herb paste on.

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but I never saw a guy that fuck off.

But I never saw a guy this totally jacked

and they have a huge gym in his village.

In the moment of crisis, you would not say this.

You might think it, you would not say it.

You certainly would not ask the fucking question.

I glance up at her.

I’m not really in the mood to chit chat.

Not that I know of.

I think maybe they’re born pretty strong and

then their lives make them even stronger.

But not all of them are this muscular fuck off.

She lowers her voice conspiratorally.

So did you, you know?

This is degraded the value of everything I’ve done previously.

Because they’ve now descended into junior high school level sex talk

while a man is bleeding to death in front of them.

And a man that the main character supposedly loves.

So this would not happen.

This whole thing I’m reading right now

is incredibly disappointing because this would not happen.

I know perfectly well, but she’s going to have to spell it out

if she wants to be a fuck off.

You wouldn’t even extend it.

You would just say not now.

Did I what?

You know, you and him.

I mean, there’s no women in his tribe

and he looks like this probably had to be tempting to hook up, right?

I mash up more of the herbs despite everything Heidi’s light tone

about a not vital topic is actually is actually purking me up.

There’s been too much life or death stuff lately, probably.

So did you hook up?

I can’t help a little smirk play around my mouth.

Some hooking may or may not have taken place.


This would be appropriate.

If you would take care of sort of the immediate trauma care

and he was like sleeping gently and

then you start talking after, this is fine.

The fact that they’re doing it now completely doesn’t make sense.

She grins, oh my God, I knew it.

Is he like the other guys I mean down there because he’s only wearing a kilt

and I can see like straight up.

Yes, I get it, I say before she can go on.

No, not exactly like the other guys or earth guys, I guess.

It’s a little different there in a good way.

It feels totally inappropriate to talk about these intimate matters

with him right there, correct?

But I’m kind of bursting with pride, incorrect.

And he can’t understand what we’re saying anyways.

And he’s breathing easier now.

He still pale as a sheep but he’s tougher than anyone has a right to be.

And now I actually have some hope that he’ll pull through.

In a good way I confirm and smile at the memory

actually in the best way you can imagine and then some hidey is impressed.

Oh my God, and he has a body like this and he’s totally confident

and defeats a million of dactyls all alone.

Does he have a breath?

Does he have a brother?

I think this second last chapter may ruin the whole thing for me

if they keep this shit up.

If they do like three more four more chapters of this shit, I’m done.

Well, I mean, I’m done anyways, but I mean,

you’re ruining my memory of what the bits I’ve enjoyed by this.

This is like when you watch a movie

and you watch like a second or third movie

and then it ruins the first movie.

This last chapter is ruining previous chapters.

Does he have a brother?

I lift a heavy arm and apply more green paste.

It looks like his tiger stripes are much harder and resilient

than the ordinary skin around them.

Like he’s wearing natural armor if he survives, that’s what saved him.

I don’t think they have those.

They’re all clones.

How do you gasp, you say?

They’re clones.

So there could be many, just like this one.

Millions, like those from Star Wars.


The pain I’m experiencing right now is visceral.

Not as far as I know, I think he’s the only one who’s just like this.

Oh well, even so, heck, forget the brother, I’ll just sell for a cousin

or even acquaintance of this guy.

This is gross.

Like this is actually gross.

Emile comes over with water and sucks on drinks, greedily.

It occurs to me that he’s probably just like that.

Juicy gave me.

He probably brought his bag, large green thing made of dinosaur skin.

I’ll find it Emile says that hesitates.

Is he okay?

Down there I mean, with his killed thing.

Why is everyone just fucking looking in his deck?

Stop it.

I mean, with that killed thing, I can see

pretty much everything and it looks kind of.

He’s fine, I state.

He’s an alien, just a little different.

All right, she looks up and down appreciatively

and then gives me a guilty little smile and something.

So suddenly, all these women are just fucking horn dogs.

It’s, yeah, no, they’re gross.

This group of scientists, intelligent scientists women are gross.

Or a return returns with two fistfuls of herbs and starts mashing it all up.

We’re running out of bandages and Jackson looks like

a character of a patient from the world’s least competent hospital.

All the herbs have stopped most of the bleeding and he is still awake.

In media, Emile finds his bag and brings

it over and Caroline brings hot water.

We clean the blood off him.

Well, Jackson wordlessly offers each of us a drink

from his canteen before he’ll take as much of a sit for himself.

He’s so selfless and noble.

I just give, give in and fall back into the unhappy certainty of love.

Right there and then, because what more

can I, can he do to prove himself to me?

Not that I needed much proof in the first place.

I’ll tell him that in some time.

She was looking for like judgment earlier though.

So I’m not a big fan of that.

We carefully clean him and I notice the

girls are taking some joy and it fuck you.

They can care for someone else for a change.

Someone who pretty much has to be the game changer for us.

Because with Jackson on our side, everything looks much brighter.

Well, almost everything.

I don’t think he can help us get back to Earth.

Jackson is remarkably calm.

And patient while we finish with him as well as we can.

Of course, it’s the first time he’s being cared for by women.

He’s probably pretty pleasant for him despite the wounds and the blood loss.

Despite the wounds and the blood loss, he’s

sitting up with his back against the tree,

the center of attention of six young women.

He seems to take to that like a fish to water.

He suddenly rummages through his bag and

takes out a translator and hands it to me.

He could only wants to say something.

I turn on the device and kneel down beside him.

He’s pale still.

And I’m sure he’ll continue to be for a while.

But his voice is strong and his deep is ever.

He says something.

It sounds like a question.

For some reason, I know what it is.

It’s like a bright light goes off in my soul.

And the day gets brighter.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

I guess my first problem with that is,

does this alien culture of all men have a concept of marriage?

Maybe the men pair off with other men, but they’re fucking plants.

So maybe they pair off with plants, which seems unlikely.

So if they have marriage, there probably

is marriage between two men who like,

I’m not even making it sexual.

If they just love each other and want to be together

and support each other, they could have marriage.

But because the women have been prophesized in their religion,

it may be included in their religion.

So I would like a little explanation of that,

but we’ll not worry about that right now.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

Sherbs, I look into his eyes, so alien.

But at the same time, the most human man I’ve ever met.

And I know just enough of his language

to reply proper– I fucked up the response.

And I know just enough of his language to reply properly.


Yes, the translator speaks.

And I hear the girls around us gasping.

There’s nothing to wonder about.

That would have been my answer since, oh, about day two of knowing him.

He saved my life too many times to count.

That should not be the foundation for a marriage.

Saving someone’s life, the adrenaline and stuff,

that is not a solid foundation for a marriage.

He’s kind and is honorable and intelligent and strong

and calm with a glint in those alien eyes.

He makes love like a champ.

And I love him.

Some of those attributes do make for a good marriage.

Some of them do not.

He loves me too.

He left his tribe and he’s standing on there for Bitten Boone to protect me.

I have a feeling that act will cost him dearly.

Yes, of course I will marry him right now, right here,

in the jungle, wearing dinosaur skins, not

having seen a bottle of shampoo for weeks.

I don’t care about the wedding, being everything I dreamed

it would be, I just want to be married to Jaxson.

He takes my hand and squeezes it in his large, calloused one.

The girls let us gaze into each other’s eyes for a minute

before they start whispering very loudly behind me.

Did she just agree to marry that guy?

I had no idea aliens even got married.

Are we sure it was Sophia?

He asked.

It could have been any one of us, technically.

Did she?

With that guilt, he’s rocking.

I can totally see most of.

Is she just, does she know what she’s doing?

She totally hooked up with him and he’s super spectacular, she says.

They all gasp and go quiet, stunned by the revelation.

My voice has just gone valley girl.

Fuck, Caroline says it last.

If they’re all like that, maybe we should just become sex slaves after all.

Oh, that’s an awful line.

That is, that is actually awful.

I mean, you’ve, again, you’ve taken the honor and the

nobility of these women and just desecrated it as much as you can.

I finally collect my thoughts enough to sit down beside Jaxon.

I kiss him on the lips and I feel that they’re pretty cold.

I don’t know how long it will take for him to recover from the blood loss,

but he’ll make it.

He’s strong as fuck.

I squeeze his hand.

I didn’t know you’d even hurt a marriage.

I mean, you’re all males.

Oh, there you go.

This, okay, so this, this is the stuff that

boys me up in this story, which is, again,

a shocking roller coaster of emotions.

I asked the question a page later, talking

about the very thing I was talking about.

Do you marry each other maybe?

She, he smiles, tired but happy.

The tribe remembers the life before the women disappeared.

A man and a woman could get married and live together forever.

Now we have difficulties imagining the life that perfect.

Some say it was a fantasy, a fairy tale, something that never happened, but

I remembered it just now and it seemed like the most natural thing to ask.

Is there a ritual or something?

I mean, on Earth, we have all kinds of

traditions that you have to get married.

I’m sure there is.

The shaman has rituals for everything,

but I don’t think he will help us with it.

I doubt I’m still a member of the tribe after stepping on sacred boon.

I nod.

A man like him won’t try to conceal something like that.

He will live the consequences of his actions.

Well, for what it’s worth, you’re more

than welcome to be a member of our tribe.

Right, girls?

They all agree enthusiastically.

See, we’re the best tribe here too.

I’d love to get married pretty soon, but it’s not like we can find a

minister or a judge to officiate anyways.

And that shaman world, we’re all quiet for a moment.

Then Caroline looks around and this little

raises her hand like she’s in the class.

I think maybe I can.

We all look at her and I raise an eyebrow.

You can?

Well, I don’t know about here, but I can in New Jersey.

I got a license to marry people so I could wed my parents.

That sentence has weird implications, but okay.

Like, if you read it wrong, it’s like, “I married you.”

You need my parents.

We all stare.

Caroline shuffles her feet and continues quickly because my parents lived

together like common

law couple, but they had a really great and loving relationship and kids and


So one day I asked why they weren’t married and they say they just haven’t

fought about it.

And then I said, “They should get married

because they might as well at this point.”

And they said, “Okay, you want that?

Then how about you wed us?”

So we waited until I turned 18 and then I applied for a license and I got it

and then I officiated and we were married.

It’s official too.

A spark of happiness flies through my mind.

This is a nice surprise for once.

Will you marry us, Caroline?

I mean, wed us?


How do you say that without a sounding word?

I see the author and I kind of are on the same page on something.

I mean, could you officiate for us?

Will you?

She shrugs.

Sure, it’s not hard.

You should probably think of your own vows.

I mean, with all the alien stuff and all.

I look up at my strong and honorable and spectacular alien warrior.

Do you understand that?

Is it absolutely a smirk on his face?

I understand.

Get married soonest.

The ancestral smile upon me when I wed the mother of Zran on Boone even,

sacred ground.

So our last chapter is a wedding, which is kind of fucking awesome because I

did not expect again the best part of this

book so far has been regularly I have not

expected what has happened to us.

And it’s the end of every chapter.

And often I am wrong and that is the best part of this book so far.

So far, what I mean, the last chapter.

We inspect the tuna can.

It’s totally ruined.

It looks more like a colander now that a tin can.

We can’t live here anymore, Delia says.

It will give us no protection at all.

The dactyls know where we live.

I have a feeling they’ll be back.

These huge carcasses will start to rot and be a major biohazard.

And one reason for staying here was that the kidnappers might be back.

Now it’s probably been too long for that.

Even if they did come, this thing is broken and they probably can’t attach

it to their ship again.

I nod.

I want this tuna can to be closed chapter in my life now.

We can do better elsewhere on this planet.

How about a cave where you found me, Jackson?

He was walking slowly around.


He’s walking around now slowly, but still he’s recovering fast.

We’re talking like an hour.

Tribesmen come there sometimes.

Also the water isn’t good to drink.

I know about a better place, further away, but safer.

There are caves, cleaner water, trees

that bear fruit, good defensive positions.


Because on this planet, your life is

always in danger from someone or something.

It’s the way life was for everyone on earth too.

Not so long ago, but I guess we have forgotten that.

At least we have Jackson now.

That makes our chances much better.

I totally trust him to do the best way.


I totally trust him to know the best way to do this.

Fine with me, but we should stay here for at least another night, Jackson.

Jackson is in no shape to walk in the jungle.

Jackson shows us how to gather useful stuff from the dead dactyls, like

certain parts of their skin and sharp teeth and talons.

We’ve toughened up a lot now and Delia cuts huge, rager sharp teeth out of

the dactyls as if she’s done it many times before.

That’s kind of cool.

It turns out to be a pretty good evening.

We feel safe enough to light a big fire from

the dead knocked dactyls, and we sit in a

circle around it and talk and joke and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

I know we have many hard times ahead of

us, but we’re over the first major hurdle.

The dip as Delia calls it.

We’re over the dip and we made it more or less.

Some of this made it out like bandits.

I glanced up at Jackson.

I’m sitting as close to him as I can without stripping him naked, and I

enjoy the heat from him, safety he exudes.

The warm light from the fire flickers across his face and makes him look a

little less alien.

He’s not beautiful perhaps, but he’s handsome enough and he’s super manly

and has the soul of a lion seriously.

Who could ask for anything more?

We get married the next morning.

Caroline is wearing her lab coat, which I know she spent some time cleaning

in the stream using rocks and such.

She’s buttoned it all the way up to look all spiritual.

The girls have made a little altar and saved some of the food they have for

the reception after the ceremony.

This is a very, I’m sorry I have to have to have said it.

It’s a very feminine way to handle

this to actually go through all this stuff.

It’s good.

That’s actually kind of appropriate because they want it to be special so

they’re going to make it special.

The sun is rising and it’s throwing long shadows.

I’m in my blue cave woman outfit because it’s all I have.

Jackson is wearing his kilt and nothing else.

As usual, the girls have made me a little tiara of flowers and that’s my

whole wedding gear.

You think it would be ridiculous.

No one here can dress right.

I don’t have a scrap of lace anywhere on me and no best man.

There are no wedding bells and no

family members but I have four bridesmaids.

Delia is my maid of honor and I have the

best groom in history and I’m happily bawling

my eyes out before it’s even started.

So it’s a real wedding.

All right.

I spent the night in Jackson’s arms.

He couldn’t do much more than hold me but that’s fine.

He’s quietly told me about his life and

his tribe and now that he’s an outcast.

Well because of me, he sacrificed so many things for me it’s insane.

He’s fine with it.

Not one word of blame passed his lips and his tone of voice was always calm

and matter of fact.

The way he always is.

Choking even.

Now he’s waiting at the altar, a revelation of manliness of strength.

Even with the dirty improvised bandages all over him, the tall and blonde

Caroline is standing

there looking serious and downright regal

and the girls are standing a couple of yards

away looking at me solemnly.

I walk between them and up to the altar holding eight red flowers at my

hands, one for each of us girls and one for Elysia and one for Jackson.

I’m able to keep the tears down for this.

The light from the alien sun is throwing golden rays through the bushes and

branches of the jungle.

There’s just a little bit of mist on the close to the ground and I’ve never

felt more with more one with anything and that is holy.

I’ve never felt more one with everything that is holy than right now.

Nobody smiling at the simplicity of it all, everyone is serious.

This is my wedding.

It’s not quite the way I planned and dreamed about when I was growing up,

but this is real and it’s totally wonderful.

Jackson takes my hand and walks me the last two steps up to Caroline.

She says a few words that sound a lot like they were from a hippie wedding

because there’s

a lot of words like blossom and Harmony and commonality, but that’s fine.

It’s pretty appropriate for the situation.

She does great.

I say some simple vows.

Fog, you gotta say what the vows are.

That was literally the point of setting this

up was they could say vows to each other.

I say some simple vows I thought of.

Jackson says some pretty much shorter which comes across pretty powerfully.

He’s not kidding about this.

Fucking garbage man.

If you’re gonna do a wedding, the vows are the thing that you actually

present, which means

you, the writer, could not think of good

vows for them to say to each other, which is

total bullshit.

Then Caroline asks us the important question.

Jackson goes, “Tool.”

In a powerful voice with a hint of impatience and then I say, “I do as

firmly as I can,” which is not very because I’m tearing up again.

We kiss and that’s it.

There’s no aisle to walk down and no organ to play or with the recessional.

The girls come to hug me and congratulate me now that I’m married.

I hold Jackson’s hand while we all munch on fruit and berries and even some

of the meat from Jackson’s bag, chatting

lightly like a real reception that I catch


This is a real reception.

It’s the best one ever.

Then it’s time to leave the tuna can.

We pick up the objects we want to bring with us.

I check that the translator is still in my

pocket and that we have the empty gun.

I guess just even a metal thing is still useful.

We walk over to Alicia’s little stone grave.

There are fresh flowers there again.

Red flowers.

Eight of them.

Amelia quietly explains to Jackson what happened.

We stand there for a while and I wipe away some tears from my cheeks.

I wish she was here and I certainly wish she had tried to hijack the sauce.

And I certainly wish I hadn’t tried to hijack the saucer.

I’m sorry I think to myself.

Like I always do when I stand right here.

So sorry, Alicia.

Delia puts her hand lightly on my arm.

I know you still blame yourself for this.

She says softly right in my thoughts.

I keep seeing you look over at this grave and you take some crazy risks

because you feel guilty.

You know you’re the one who’s been placing

flowers here every morning but you didn’t

kill Alicia.

That was all them.

The aliens.

Not you.

Not even a little bit.

You can let it go.

The words have more weight because they come from her.

Delia rarely speaks but when she does it’s always a game changer.

She’s observant too.

I thought I was being super stealthy about the flowers.

Thank you I saw it wipe my tears.

The other girls agree in pat my back and shoulder.

Damn right.

And anything you probably saved us all from a much worse fate.

The plude a deep voice says Jackson is behind me pondering the grave.

It is known that they take women and kill them.

Use them for terrible things.

Our women went from the same way taken from us.

They deposited you here as a way to damage us and instigate confusion.

They would have done that anyway.

Nothing any of you did had any impact on that.

They are evil.

I feel his heavy hand on my shoulder and I reach up to squeeze it.

It doesn’t make me feel better that maybe getting us stranded here wasn’t my

fault after all.

It’s been a constant source of piercing guilt at the back of my mind.

It’s gotten me to do some brave or stupid things that I’m not sure I would

have done otherwise.

All right Delia says let’s go.

She starts walking in the direction where Jackson has said that there are

caves we can live in.

When after the other the girls take a last look at the tuna can and our

little colony and

then we walk after her with their meager possessions and of course fabric

bags on their shoulders.

I carry Jackson’s bag because he still wounded and I don’t think he is up

for much more than walking today.

He’s not pale anymore at least.

The girls are gone and we’re alone with the tuna can.

We’re newlyweds.

We need to deserve a couple minutes alone.

I look up him.

I look up at him.

How does it feel to be a husband?

He bends down to kiss me.

It feels like an end to the end of the beginning.

The old Jackson has become the new.

The world has changed.

It is better, brighter, full of promise but also harder.

That is the way it should be for a warrior.

But now life will be easier for Sophia, my wife.

I will see to it.

I go up on tiptoes to kiss him.

I don’t need to say anything.

I’m pretty sure he can see happiness in my face.

I look down at the translator.

It works much better than anyone ever would have thought.

If that super advanced chip inside has made

it much closer to actual AI than even its

maker suspected.

It’s pretty much taught itself, Jackson’s language all by itself.

If we were still back on earth, it would be total sensation and it would be

world famous.

So would Professor Wilkins probably, and maybe even I.

I don’t feel it.

It’s too distant, too unreal.

I almost feel like I never happened.

I’ve never gotten the other thing and I’ve got other things on my mind now.

I like the fact that the battery won’t last forever.

It’s kept us sensationally well so far, but it’s a crutch.

I have to learn his language now.

I’m supposed to be a linguist after all.

Well I do know a good few words already.

I flick the switch at the LED lights.

I place the translator back in its pocket and look up at Jackson.

I don’t think I’ll need that anymore.

He gets the meaning in nod seriously and he

takes me into his arms and sniff my hair.

Cratune CoutΓ©.

He growls into my ear, sending delighted

shivers down my spine and tingles in my girly


And I know those words.

I’ve practiced in secret with the translator.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and

smile happily as I squeeze my husband hard.

It’s my wedding day.

It’s going to be a good one whether this planet agrees or not.

I love you too.

We stand like that for a long time and

he takes my hand and we start walking.

I mean, solid ending to be honest.

There’s an epilogue which I think is just

going to lead on to like the next book.

It says, “Dear reader, thanks for reading my book.

If you want to get an email, you can sign up for her thing.

It’s free.

I’ll appreciate all reviews book good and bad.

I mean, overall, I’ve said my piece throughout this whole thing.

More books from Calista.

Fire planet Warriors captive.

Sci-Fi, BBW, Alien Fade of Mates, romance.


It’s a different series.

She has K-Man Aliens ransom, which I think there’s seven books.

Fire planet Warrior captive.

Harper Evans always wanted to go to space, abducted by creepy aliens and

then crash landed

on the planet that everyone just calls

Fire Planet, not what she had in mind.

Her only company is an insanely hot alien

barbarian warrior who doesn’t speak English.

I think I’ve read this book before.

A standalone sequel to Fire Planet, Fire Planet Warriors Passion.

Given to the alien, Olivia Cooper chose a bad time to become a space marine

and the newly formed Space Force.

This was before Space Force was the thing.

Maybe Donald Trump read this book.

Just when Earth had been badly defeated mankind’s first battle with

beautiful but extremely deadly ethereal aliens.

It sounds like she’s writing the same book over and over again with slightly

different alien

invaders baby, a standalone sequel given to the alien, Star Set, the Warrior


claim, the ship reached the hands of

blood, I’d acquisition her as an oblique.

She’s writing the same book over and over again just changing out some

elements, which is I guess.

Harlow Quinn Romance has a formula.

She’s actually just made up her own formula and is just following through.

Star Set, Alien Seed, intent on keeping the secret of the blood secure at

all costs, Prince

Keshe braves a ritual that is utterly

forbidden in the eyes of the Allied forces.

Falling in love with her was not part of the plan.

Gamma Raiders, Space Pirate Prince, Gamma Raiders Storm Squadron Alpha, can

a BBW pilot and a sexy alien warrior find love in the midst of war?

I bet they can.

Alpha’s Uncaged 2, Paranormal Shifter Romance

Box Set, 10 Hot Paranormal Shifter Romance.

Stories, I don’t know what a shifter is.

I’m assuming shifting between genders or something like that or persons.

This is a follow-up collection to the best-selling box set, Alpha’s Uncaged.

Oh, but this is like a group of authors.

My Alien Prince.

He’s a Prince of the Stars.

She’s an ordinary girl from Earth.

Can they be allowed to fall in love?


My Alien Prince claimed to buy the axe true.

The K-let’s claim.

God damn, this is endless.

Pursues by Alien Alpha, Fusion, Sci-Fi Alien Romance, Stars Apart, Stoweway.

When an extraterrestrial attacked on London

during her lunch break, Helen accidentally

beat aboard the board of the ship.

Seemingly emotionless Alien Prince, all she

wants to do is go home, however bound by

duty to return to his planet for his arranged marriage.

Prince Lenneck, heir to the throne of Arsiroth, would rather let her out

into open space than go all the way back to Earth.


The epilogue.

How many pages?

Oh, it’s a couple pages.

It’s the last I got her.

We walk away from Jaxon’s village.

The terrain is different and more hilly.

We pass clear streams.

I’m happy.

It’s the weirdest thing.

I’m surrounded by the Alien Planet.

Things aren’t looking that good for us.

He’s beyond everything I thought a man could be.

That’s my husband.

My brain has trouble processing it.

That’s my husband.

We keep walking in silence.

I realized that I accepted that a good while ago when I was stuck on my own.

So she’s going to be a forever.

It worked out so far.

That’s a good-eye state.

It’s a fertile area.

So this is home now.

I wipe sweat off my forehead.

Well, I won’t miss the tuna can or the dactyls or that dam river that we

couldn’t drink from.

Good riddance.

They all agree.

She says, her voice is a strange tremble to it.

If you look at the top of that mountain and you squint a little, does that

look like something else?

The sun is low behind the tree and I shield my eyes with one hand.

From this angle, a part of the mountain

near the top is rounded strangely symmetric.

Unnaturally so.

And its sharp edge seems perfectly circular.

There’s green vegetation all over it.

So I can see.

I can’t see any specific details, but the color is different than the rest

of the mountain below, lighter and somehow more even.

My hand flies unbidden to my mouth.

I’ve seen my share of Sci-Fi movies and then some.

I recognize a rocket engine nozzle when

I see one and I’m looking right at one now.

No, two.


Six at least.

There’s a whole cluster of giant rocket

engines pointing towards us from boon.

They’re totally overgrown and must have been here for eons, but they’re

still unmistakable and beyond them.

Oh my stars, it’s enormous.

We’ve been living right on top of it for

weeks without recognizing where what it is.

I swallow in my throat and suddenly gone dry.

Yeah, I say strongly to keep my voice from shaking.

That’s a spaceship.

Ah, good cliffhanger.

Setting up the next book that we’re going to go find a spaceship.

Adventures abound.

Want to know what happens next?

So I had talked with some friends and some people who listened to the

podcast and while I have enjoyed caveman’s alien ransom.

I noticed there were some dips in my enthusiasm as we got through all 15

episodes of this.

So I am not going to continue with the series and I don’t think I’m going to

do another whole book again.

This has been an interesting experiment, but I don’t think I can do like

dedicate another year to reading these books.

So I need to find other things to read.

So if you have anything that you would think would be interesting for me to

read, I’m going to thinking more like

articles, threads from Reddit, stuff like that.

Anything else that you would like me

to read and analyze and shit on probably.

I would appreciate it if you have suggestions

and I think we’re going to end there.

But thank you for coming with me on this

journey to an alien planet where we’ve learned

so much about ourselves and others and fucking plants.



The #bollywood movie RRR helped me define what I am looking for in films, and a lot of stuff out there is really lacking by comparison.

  • I had planned on talking about this maybe two months ago, but then the whole COVID thing happened and then I went to Canada and I ended up taking a month off. I have spent, I don’t evangelize many things.πŸŽ™ 00:00:00.00000:00:27.560
  • I, okay, let’s be honest, I’ve had an afternoon come. cocktail. So my normally fairly well planned out and yet still somehow messy podcast is going to be messy and planned out, but I’m going to ignore that because of my afternoonπŸŽ™ 00:00:27.56000:00:43.523
  • cocktail. Why did I do that? I don’t know. New Jersey, Japan this morning was a bit rushed. I don’t know why I had a steak and a rum and coke. That was my lunch. Oh, and some kimchi because I’m a very international kind of person. ButπŸŽ™ 00:00:43.52300:01:01.483
  • None of that matters because I’m here to talk about a Bollywood movie. And again, I’ve been evangelizing this film for months now. Basically, if you are a close friend of mine, I have insisted that you watch it.πŸŽ™ 00:01:01.89900:01:19.899
  • And probably if you’re a close friend of mine, you’re like, Peter, I’ve heard you talk about movies in the past. You watch a lot of dog shit primarily to analyze why it is dog shit. Like I’ll watch 70s Kung Fu movies.πŸŽ™ 00:01:19.89900:01:33.939
  • and look at like what they can and cannot do. I will look at cheap films and think about like did they achieve what they wanted to achieve? Did they do the thing they wanted to set out to do? I like to watch movies, even bad ones. I don’t necessarily watch the bad ones because I findπŸŽ™ 00:01:34.00500:01:50.485
  • them amusing. I want to watch the bad ones because I’m like this is a failure. What made it a failure? There is a Netflix movie with Ryan Reynolds. I think it’s Underground 6. There’s Underground number.πŸŽ™ 00:01:50.48500:02:22.805
  • It is to me the single worst film ever made and it’s because they had the money They had the talent they had the ability they had the time they had everything they needed to make a good movie and yet somehow fucked up every step theπŸŽ™ 00:02:07.38200:02:24.462
  • Michael Bay Camera work it does look good but It does not help this movie the throwaway lines and characters and lack of depth Ruins the film because you don’t feel connected to anyone in the film by the end of it. I think if I was going to run a movie,πŸŽ™ 00:02:25.22200:02:45.297
  • like a media film study class, one of the first movies we would watch is Underground 6, so that we could analyze all the things that went wrong with Underground 6. So that if you were to make your movie, you would not make those same mistakes. So for a lot of the bad movies I watch,πŸŽ™ 00:02:46.01700:03:04.657
  • it’s analytical. And I enjoy the analysis. It’s not necessarily that I enjoy the film. I enjoy the analysis. that I get to do while watching the film. So I watch a lot of movies that no one else would watch.πŸŽ™ 00:03:04.65700:03:15.505
  • This takes me out into strange paths. I recently watched a movie that happens at Taipei, so a Chinese film. It’s a zombie movie called The Sadness. And it was cheap, but gross. And the thing is, it was, the gross doesn’t bother me.πŸŽ™ 00:03:15.50500:03:33.185
  • Often I’ll quite enjoy gross, like Ricky O, The Story of Ricky, is one of my favorite films because the grossness is humorous in this. It was just gross and it was almost like gore porn and it did nothing for me.πŸŽ™ 00:03:33.18500:03:48.642
  • There’s a horror movie called The Hostile. Plot wise, it’s a very good movie. The gore porn held there within actually diminishes the film itself. It makes it less of an enjoyable film. There is a limit.πŸŽ™ 00:03:48.64200:04:01.682
  • I actually think implied gore, implied violence, implied things are more effective because your imagination fills it in and makes it more powerful. That said, we’re here to talk about one of the greatest films that was ever made.πŸŽ™ 00:04:01.68200:04:34.142
  • It is a film from Bollywood and I don’t watch a lot of Bollywood films because I don’t enjoy the dancing song sort of bits But they have these over Overly dramatic action scenes that are super fake and they’re not fun. They’re funny as clips on the internet almost like his giftsπŸŽ™ 00:04:15.26400:04:31.684
  • But they’re not funny as films. So I don’t tend to watch that many RRR rise roar revolt So I’m gonna refer to it as triple R for the rest of the podcast because that’s what I’ve been calling it It’s just easy to hearπŸŽ™ 00:04:32.60400:05:03.904
  • to say than RRR because the R sound is too hard to say three times in a row and the title itself is too long. Triple R is one of the greatest movie going experiences I have had in years. It is pure enjoyment and adulation and I’m not sarcastic. So what I was goingπŸŽ™ 00:04:46.12100:05:08.121
  • to say before my alcohol riddle brain kicked in was like I’ve made every close friend I know watched this and they’ve all been hesitant at the beginning because they think Oh Peter is trying to force a bad shittyπŸŽ™ 00:05:08.12100:05:47.161
  • weird, Bollywood film on me, I don’t want to watch it. And then I have to explain to them, no, I sincerely enjoy this film and I sincerely think you will too. Every single person who’s watched it, who’s come back afterwards, has said to me,πŸŽ™ 00:05:20.58600:05:33.386
  • this is one of the greatest movies they’ve ever seen. This is one of the most enjoyable films they’ve seen in years. This is a fun movie experience. And so the analytical part of my brain would not let it go. I’ve seen the movie in totalπŸŽ™ 00:05:33.38600:05:46.866
  • three times now. I’ve watched parts multiple times. I’ve had very set complaints about media in recent years. And one of those complaints is that every character, this actually started sort of the mid,πŸŽ™ 00:05:46.86600:06:00.909
  • sort of early 2000s, mid 2000s in video games. And it was primarily that men didn’t seem to be capable of writing women characters as strong women. Because what they did was they took every female characterπŸŽ™ 00:06:00.90900:06:14.909
  • and they made them sarcastic and kind of mean and bitchy. And these were supposed to be the tough, strong women. And this is how they showed it was by making them be really awful every time someone spokeπŸŽ™ 00:06:14.90900:06:26.372
  • to them. I know strong women and they don’t talk like that. They just talk like normal people. In fact, strong characters tend to be poorly written overall. The strongest, most powerful, confident men and women I’ve met are super chill becauseπŸŽ™ 00:06:26.37200:06:46.092
  • they can be because things don’t threaten them because, you know, stuff comes at them and they’re like, I can handle this because I’m a strong, capable human. being male or female. The strongest dudes I know have this quiet confidence and it justπŸŽ™ 00:06:46.09200:07:03.475
  • exudes from them and it makes you not want to mess with them. The boisterous ones are the ones I was like, ah, you just get him all riled up and he won’t be able to do things properly. You get him all riled up and he won’t be able to be effective. So I have aπŸŽ™ 00:07:03.47500:07:19.195
  • very direct idea of what a strong man is. So the writing of these characters. is problematic because I think the writers are not the character. I actually did an old Velocipod cast maybe three, four years ago and it was how that writers struggle to writeπŸŽ™ 00:07:19.19500:07:35.498
  • geniuses because the writer themselves is not a genius. So they’ll create a situation, create a solution and then have the genius figure it out or they’ll imply genius without actually demonstrating any sort of genius attributes because they can’t come up with themselvesπŸŽ™ 00:07:35.49800:07:48.538
  • because they’re not a genius. So that’s problematic. I think that also falls into the saying that they are probably not strong. confident men or women. Therefore, they struggle to write strong, confident men or women effectively.πŸŽ™ 00:07:48.53800:08:03.376
  • So they just make them sarcastic. They always have something to say back. The strongest, most confident men I know, you say something to them and they would just look at you and go, that response is so belittling. It’s just like almost like your attack on them isn’t worth theirπŸŽ™ 00:08:03.37600:08:18.896
  • time. And so I’ve struggled with in recent media, everyone is shitty and no one supports each other. So you have like a military. unit and everyone in the unit is Addy Chasar’s throats, but that’s going to be an ineffectiveπŸŽ™ 00:08:18.89600:08:34.116
  • military unit. They’re not going to come together and solve a problem. A truly effective unit of any sort is going to be a group of people that likes and supports each other. Yes, there can be some ribbing, but the ribbing would primarily come from one or two characters,πŸŽ™ 00:08:34.11600:08:49.036
  • not all of them. And I think that is maybe where the first mistake is made. Making every character sarcastic and shitty means that there is no such thing as not sarcastic and shitty. means there is no love behind the teasing or jibing or anything like that.πŸŽ™ 00:08:49.03600:09:04.552
  • So there’s a sincere lack of positivity in modern characterization of lead characters because they wanted to be strong. Therefore they write them as kind of shitty assholes. This is sort of the Rick and Morty Rick paradox where Rick is the bad guy.πŸŽ™ 00:09:04.55200:09:23.032
  • He’s broken. But because he always has as a quip, he always has something he can say back to people. He always has a sarcastic remark. People admire that and they want to aspire towards that where he is.πŸŽ™ 00:09:23.03200:09:59.352
  • for all intents and purposes, the bad guy of that show. He’s broken. He’s trying to get his shit together and he can’t actually do it. Whereas if you have a character come in and they’re soft and quiet and yet still strong and weirdly I’m thinking, Birdman, that’s the good guy. That’sπŸŽ™ 00:09:33.19500:09:50.715
  • the strong character and we need to emulate that. We need to see more of that. We don’t see that in Western media. So Bollywood being a different culture has a whole different take on this. And that’s why it was so refreshing for me as a Western viewer.πŸŽ™ 00:09:50.71500:10:04.555
  • The two main characters, now the thing is the first problem is they actually have to end up like having three or four names throughout the film because there’s their real name, there’s their cover name, then there’s kind of their like nickname.πŸŽ™ 00:10:04.18100:10:18.181
  • So I’m going to call one of them beam because I think that’s his real name and the other one the Raj, which I actually think is short form of Raj something else. I watched it in Tamil. It was it was Hindi over dubbed in Tamil with.πŸŽ™ 00:10:18.18100:10:34.181
  • subtitles. So there was a lot of maybe subtleties or confusion and like names and stuff like that. Because they start out, they’re both kind of undercover. So they’re using fake names and then they switch names part way through. And then they introduce what they’reπŸŽ™ 00:10:34.68100:10:45.761
  • full names. And then I kind of got lost with the name. So I have the names, it’s beam and Raj. These two men love each other like no two men have ever loved each other in the past. Now it’s a bromance. It’s it’s a purely platonic love. And this is something that’sπŸŽ™ 00:10:45.76100:11:02.561
  • also problematic because platonic love, sincere love between two is something that’s very difficult to depict on the screen. Because there’s a weird thing now where all love has a sexual undertone.πŸŽ™ 00:11:02.56100:11:19.376
  • And we’ve lost the idea of platonic love as a real thing that happens. And it’s probably because of toxic masculinity. It’s probably because men have trouble showing it. But these two men, there is a friendship montage.πŸŽ™ 00:11:21.05600:11:36.416
  • So they meet each other, they hang out for a bit. And the friendship montage is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, but it’s because it’s pure, magical, unadulterated joy. There’s part of it is, Beam gets radged up on his shouldersπŸŽ™ 00:11:36.41600:11:50.265
  • and starts doing squats. They start doing chin ups. They’re just exercising together. They’re running out in fields. They go to return a goat to a shepherd, but then the shepherd starts chasing them awayπŸŽ™ 00:11:50.26500:12:00.425
  • for attacking the goat and they run away, laughing and having a good time. One is very modern. It’s a dichotomy. He’s actually from a tribe out in the forest, but he’s the one he f- fixes motorcycles and rides motorcycles where Raj is the modern man and he’s undercoverπŸŽ™ 00:12:00.42500:12:18.568
  • as a police officer and yet he’s the one who rides a horse. So they kind of put all this stuff together but it’s the yin-yang aspect where they like the opposite things in every moment but at the same time they compliment each other.πŸŽ™ 00:12:18.56800:12:33.608
  • Which is, I would say it’s very difficult to do but RRR did it so well and so quickly. They establish that these guys love each other and then one scene for some reason really stands out where beam walks up to Raj and goes like what are you doing?πŸŽ™ 00:12:33.60800:12:47.168
  • I’m writing a letter to… my girlfriend. He’s like, Oh, you have a girlfriend. She must be wonderful. And he’s super supportive. He never says a shitty thing. And I think it’s been years and years and years that I’ve seen a filmπŸŽ™ 00:12:47.16800:13:00.542
  • where a character walks up to a character and talks about a love relationship or any kind of relationship and doesn’t say something shitty. And so just this like, Oh my God, you’re amazing. Your girlfriend also must be amazing. She’s lucky to have you. You’re lucky to have her. I hope thisπŸŽ™ 00:13:00.54200:13:16.062
  • is the best relationship that ever happens. And then Raj is helping beam. Like with how to hit on another girl, how to how I like set up a situation where he could actually spend time with and talk to another girl and it’s beautiful.πŸŽ™ 00:13:16.06200:13:29.269
  • Because it’s completely self sacrificial. I will spend my time. I will spend my energy. I will help you achieve your goal. And this leads us to the very first dance off in the film. So there’s a couple of songs and all the songs are good. They slap.πŸŽ™ 00:13:29.26900:13:45.269
  • There’s a thematic thing that repeats that I’m going to talk about in a minute. But they do a dance off and it’s beam and Raj versus all the white people. And the white people do not get a good take it.πŸŽ™ 00:13:45.26900:14:13.269
  • this but it’s awesome. It is so disparaging of the British and their occupation of India but it is so fictional that it’s awesome. Like I would put on a British accent just so I could go in there and get beat up or shot by Raj or beam or whatever. It doesn’t matter. I would have lovedπŸŽ™ 00:13:55.05900:14:12.739
  • to be the bad guy in this movie just so I could be in and amongst this story but they do this dance-off and the dance-off the woman that beam is in love with is watching and then it gets down to all the white guys have fallen to the side.πŸŽ™ 00:14:12.73900:14:40.979
  • They just can’t keep up. Beaman Raj are doing the final two person dance off. And what does Raj do? He sees that the girl that Beam likes is watching, she’s watching Beaman wants him to win. So he fakes losing, even though maybe he could have win, he probably could have because he’sπŸŽ™ 00:14:27.35700:14:43.017
  • kind of more, he’s more of the physically capable character in many ways. He’s presented that way. To the point where, and then he falls and then that means, Beam gets to win. So he sacrifices his loss.πŸŽ™ 00:14:43.01700:14:57.397
  • He takes a loss so that his friend can win just so his friend can look good in front of his girl It’s just awesome, and it’s just such a beautiful thing and that becomes the crux of the story becauseπŸŽ™ 00:14:57.39100:15:10.031
  • their goals For the most part of the film are antithetical Raj is trying to catch beam. He doesn’t know it’s beam yet beam is trying to kidnap or re-kidnap So a little girl is kidnapped at the beginning film beam is trying to get her backπŸŽ™ 00:15:10.03100:15:25.191
  • So it’s like an undoing of a kidnapping and then Raj’s task to stop him Raj has an ulterior motion that, but he has to complete this task to achieve his ulterior motive. And this becomes the conflict between the two characters because they both need to achieveπŸŽ™ 00:15:25.19100:15:42.752
  • their goals, their greater goals, goals bigger than themselves. But how can they achieve their goals? Are their goals worth achieving if they have to portray the only, like their best friend, the only person in this world they truly love in a pure and kind way?πŸŽ™ 00:15:42.75200:15:57.872
  • I mean, you can say that the love relationships between the men and the women are pure at their entire spirit. I don’t believe it. I think it’s uh, these the the the man love here is the purest You could ever see on filmπŸŽ™ 00:15:57.87200:16:09.231
  • So that’s the bromance and it’s all very positive and then you get to the there’s there’s the music which I mentioned before so i’m going to talk about it now the music is exquisite It’s but it’s also thematically connected because the first half of the film it’s a three hour film by the wayπŸŽ™ 00:16:09.39100:16:27.711
  • So if you’re gonna sit down you really want to plan this out The first half of the film they’re seeing this song about what happens when these two guys meet opposites, they have opposite goals. The line that stuck out to me the most isπŸŽ™ 00:16:27.79100:16:40.321
  • what happens when a volcano meets a storm. Surely this can only end a betrayal. Surely this can only end in violence. And it’s setting up the second part of the film where do they betray each other? Do they end up fighting eachπŸŽ™ 00:16:40.32100:16:54.301
  • other? And it’s amazing because the movie is planned out so well that the song is leading you to the like inevitable conflict. It’s predicting it and that makes the inevitable conflict even that more powerful because you know it’sπŸŽ™ 00:16:54.30100:17:09.181
  • coming because the song has been telling you it’s been coming. the whole time. The themes throughout. So beam is represented by water and Raj is represented by fire. So again, there are opposites but complementary. There’s aπŸŽ™ 00:17:09.18100:17:23.543
  • scene where I showed it to my friend and he goes, why are these guys walking underwater to shake hands? So they’re underwater, they’re shaking hands, but a tanker from a train that is caught on fire has sunk down in the background. SoπŸŽ™ 00:17:23.54300:17:36.543
  • it’s actually the moment when fire and water come together, the fire is in the water. It’s coming up from the gas. flames in the background, but they’re underwater and they come together in Shaeh Kansan. This is showing the connection between the characters isπŸŽ™ 00:17:36.54300:17:48.791
  • inevitable and it is the greatest thing. And that thematic consistency is throughout the film. So anytime you get a really you know strong shot of Raj there’s probably fire in the background or his that the screen is encircled inπŸŽ™ 00:17:48.79100:18:03.071
  • fire and then when they have battles and stuff there’s water around beam or he’s very wet and sweaty and then there’s one where he smashes a fountain in the fountain that’s fountain spraying behind him. This is also when you get to one ofπŸŽ™ 00:18:03.07100:18:14.591
  • the bigger action scenes of the film. Now, one thing I have complained about primarily like superhero movies is the inconsistency of powers. So powers in, let’s say the Marvel universe, it’s very hard to tell what a character canπŸŽ™ 00:18:14.59100:18:31.708
  • and can’t do. So Thor and the Hulk are the ones that come to mind first because in one moment, they will be able to do something in the next scene, like five minutes later, they’re not able to do something that’s actually much easier than the thing they did previously.πŸŽ™ 00:18:31.70800:18:45.948
  • And then at the end of the movie, when it’s necessary, they can do something. something. And that actually really bothers me because well, I should have a sense of danger because I know that Thor or I know that Hulk isn’t strong enough to do this thing.πŸŽ™ 00:18:45.94800:18:57.360
  • Boobies are actually making it so that they have whatever power they need at the time for dramatic purposes. But actually that needs to be established at the beginning what they can and cannot do. And either they overcome it and succeed or they, you know, do something to achieveπŸŽ™ 00:18:58.56000:19:13.920
  • the goal, which is beyond their powers. It was the Star Wars Obi-Wan TV show where most of the show he has very basic. He hasn’t been using the force. He has very basic, very limited force capabilities.πŸŽ™ 00:19:13.92000:19:30.012
  • But then in the very last one where he fights Darth Vader, he suddenly lifts up a bunch of rocks. And I’m like, that really took me out in the moment because I’m like, I don’t think he should be able to do thatπŸŽ™ 00:19:30.01200:19:38.812
  • just because he hasn’t been able to do anything even close to that. That is like a double 10 times stronger than he was 15 minutes ago or every other episode of the show. R-R does the exact same thing.πŸŽ™ 00:19:38.81200:19:51.492
  • Triple R does the exact. same thing and that their power is whatever they need to be in the moment. But why is it in this movie it’s okay? And I realized that this movie is the cumulation of all Kung Fu films mixed with Bollywood.πŸŽ™ 00:19:51.49200:20:07.716
  • Because it’s so open and honest about what it is, because it’s so clearly gold towards one thing, they have to be able to do whatever they need to be able to do in the moment because all we really care about is that they look cool or look interesting or it looks funny or it looks fun.πŸŽ™ 00:20:07.71600:20:23.416
  • They’ve proven these guys are strong. but they haven’t made them super superhuman strong and yet they have kind of established it. Beam at the beginning catches a tiger in um like a trap and he’s holding two ropes together toπŸŽ™ 00:20:23.41600:20:35.922
  • catch the tiger. He’s physically stronger than the tiger which is an impossibility. The tiger is probably like six, seven, ten times stronger than a human being. This would have been very easy for the tiger to get out of. There’s a scene probably one of my favorite scenes where Beam catches aπŸŽ™ 00:20:35.92200:20:49.042
  • motorcycle, picks it up and then hits two guys with it and you would honestly go why is he able to suddenly pick up a motorcycle and it’s a And it’d be literally the answer to me would be because he needs to do that in that momentπŸŽ™ 00:20:49.04200:21:00.355
  • to be able to do that scene. So there’s a sincerity to the silliness they’re willing to engage with. And because that’s consistent throughout the movie, they’re super powered and then normal people and then super powered and then normal people, they just are capable of doingπŸŽ™ 00:21:00.35500:21:17.155
  • whatever they have to do no matter what. But it’s to the singular goal of entertainment, whereas in a movie like any of the Marvel film or any of the… Star Wars movies where they’re trying to set up a narrative as being a serious thing,πŸŽ™ 00:21:17.15500:21:31.116
  • it now doesn’t make sense because it’s not serious if suddenly my power multiplies by ten when I just happened to need it and it’s convenient for the plot. But I think maybe more than anything else, honestly anything else was this may be culturalπŸŽ™ 00:21:31.11600:21:46.356
  • is that by the end of the film, throughout the film, I could never guess what was going to happen next. And maybe that to me was the best part. I was consistently surprised by whatever was going to happen.πŸŽ™ 00:21:46.35600:21:59.716
  • So it could have been serious, it could have been silly. It could have been dramatic. It could have been entertainment. Just just pure entertainment. I couldn’t guess what was coming next because they mixed everything in so well.πŸŽ™ 00:21:59.71600:22:09.350
  • So I didn’t I honestly by the end of the film could not tell if they were actually going to end up in conflict I kind of knew they were gonna end up being friends and resolve that issue because that’s the best way to end a filmπŸŽ™ 00:22:10.03000:22:21.190
  • It’s a happy film. So it’s going to end on a positive note So the only way to end on a positive note is everything works out in the end and all the British die because the end of any good Story all the British die, but I think maybe the last part I need to mentionπŸŽ™ 00:22:21.19000:22:34.510
  • is that this is perhaps the first film in my entire life. So I’m 50. I’ve watched movies, tons and tons of movies. This is maybe the first time I’ve actually ever watched a film and thought, why did these men still have their shirts on?πŸŽ™ 00:22:34.49200:22:47.992
  • They’re doing fights, they’re doing action scenes, take their shirts off. I’m all for gratuitous sexuality, for, you know, have tight pants and women wearing bikinis and stuff. But these guys were so awesome. I just wanted more of them.πŸŽ™ 00:22:47.99200:23:04.572
  • and the clothes were just getting in the way. So there’s a couple scenes, but it seems very early on, they do some high candy and it’s great. Like even as again, a heterosexual male, I had feelings and I was like,πŸŽ™ 00:23:04.59500:23:15.835
  • God damn, Raj should never have a shirt on and beams looking pretty good too. And they do another nice thing. Raj is completely, you know, smooth and beam has a lot of hair on his chest. So they even got like one for each sort of taste.πŸŽ™ 00:23:15.83500:23:27.075
  • No matter what you like, it’s in there for you. So I am sincerely recommending to anyone who listens to Seamik Bee. If you have three hours and Netflix because it’s on Netflix. I know that but if you have to type pirate it,πŸŽ™ 00:23:27.07500:23:39.189
  • it’s hard. It’s hard to find a copy without with English subtitles. But if there’s any way, spend some time and try to get a copy of Triple R and just sit down for three hours and watch it. I guarantee you’re gonna have one of theπŸŽ™ 00:23:39.18900:23:53.389
  • best experiences. Cinematically, you’ve had in years and years and years because of the purity of the emotion held therein, which a lot of movies, because I think maybe they’re done to committee or there’s too many people involved. They loseπŸŽ™ 00:23:53.38900:24:06.829
  • some of that purity of emotion. that we’re seeing again like Avengers films and Star Wars films. Those are supposed to be emotional stories but quite often things happen you’re like, well, I mean they got 50 characters on screen, who cares?πŸŽ™ 00:24:06.82900:24:19.488
  • You should absolutely try to get this film sit down and watch it. I’ve recommended to everyone, I recommend it to you. And I think if you stand and watch it, you’ll realize that I’ve just done you one of the biggest favors you’ll have had of this year.πŸŽ™ 00:24:19.48800:24:32.288