Unfun Statistics

So I came across some stats.

You know how much I love.

Comedy and stats.

I was thinking I should, I have all these
great ideas for projects, but I don’t have

the time to do the research
to make the projects successful.

You do a comedy show based
almost exclusively on statistics.

So you take statistics
and then you make jokes

about statistics and you statistics
jokes to make more comedy.

Statistically that would be humorous.

I don’t know.

I don’t, I don’t, again, I
will see, I’ll see a statistic.

I’ll think of some funny things.

And then I’m like, oh, you could
extrapolate that into an entire show.

You could if you had a research team.

I’ve had lots of ideas
like that where the

problem, the success
would have relied on having

a team in place that
could actually do the thing.

That’s not what we’re talking about today.

Well, we are talking
about some statistics and

it comes down to red
versus blue in America,

which is dominant in
the news because it is

fascinating how they
will sacrifice their own

self interests, hurting themselves
to prove a political point.

And I think that might be it’s more
true on the red side than the blue side.

I of course have a significant bias.

I’m not going to pretend I don’t.

I am a very liberal
person from a very liberal

country living in another
very socialist oriented country.

So I’m Canadian.

I’m a liberal Canadian, which is
essentially a communist socialist bastard.

I live in Japan, which is a very
social socially oriented country.

A lot of the programs.

You pay high taxes, all that other stuff.

And I’ve reaped the benefits.

That’s probably what
has kept me so so same.

Also I’m relatively poor.

I mean, I’m not.

I don’t know.

What am I?

I’m not poor.

I don’t even think I’m middle class.

I may be lower middle class.

Anyways, I am a target voting
demographic in most countries.

Sub Japan, which doesn’t
want foreigners to vote.

If you watch Ninja News, Japan, the other
day, I was actually talking about how there

was a town and they
said, we’re not going

to give foreign residents voting rights,
but we’re going to call them citizens.

96% of the people in the
town were like, fuck that.

We don’t want to call people
who aren’t Japanese citizens.

That’s just ridiculous.

So, I mean, there’s a lot of things
that need to be improved in all countries.

I don’t want to even claim the things that
I believe are the places I like or perfect,

but we are talking about America,
which is deeply, deeply flawed.

And the politics is
making it worse because

the politics have now
become message is more

important than the
reality of people’s lives.

And what am I talking about?

It has a lot to do with being
anti-vax and anti-vaxination.

I don’t believe you should
be forced to take a vaccine.

I don’t think you should be forced to
take anything that you don’t agree with.

But, there’s always going to be a but.

If you refuse to take
the vaccine for anything

and you catch that
thing, the state should

not then be burdened by your illness,
which is where the problems arise.

So, vaccines in oculations, all these
things, they are done for the greater good.

And that seems to be, again, the
individualistic nature of politics in America.

I think I’ve talked
about this before, but

you have the theory in
America is individual rights.

The problem with individual
rights is they cannot

exist in a world with
more than one person.

So, if I have my individual rights,
I have the most important thing.

And then you’ve
been taught that your

individual rights are
the most important thing.

If we fall into the same realm
of existence, we cannot agree.

Because how can my
rights be the most important

thing and your rights be
the most important thing?

Therefore, one of us must
be wrong if we disagree.

There can’t be any middle ground
and there can’t be any compromise.

I think this might be the major flaw
in American politics in modern times.

That said, should you be forced to
take a medicine that you don’t agree with?


But then, I don’t think you
should receive help if you get sick.

This is something I think it was Sweden
tried to do this during the pandemic.

You don’t have to get
the vaccine, but if you

don’t get the vaccine and you catch
COVID, you don’t get to go to a hospital.

So essentially you die.

And I was like, I kind
of agree with that

philosophically, but
the reality of letting

people die, I don’t
think I agree with that.

So this is the problem.

This is what I’m saying.

There’s a philosophical level you think on.

And then there’s the reality of
humans suffering in front of you.

So where do you draw the line?

Philosophically, I think
if you don’t take the

vaccine and you catch the
disease, you should just suffer.

Honestly I believe that philosophically.

If you said this person
who did not take the

vaccine is sick, should
we give the medicine,

my inherent instinct
would be, yes, let’s give

the medicine, let’s give them all the medical
care we can and try to save their life.

So that’s that’s
sort of the first set of

issues I run into that
there’s a philosophical

realm that I believe
in, but then there’s also

reality, which requires me
to care for other people.

So that’s when you
get into, well, since we’re

going to have to take
care of the medically

in real life, we should
force them to take the

vaccine and you can see that to me
is where the divide becomes difficult.

The anti-vax movements has been
going on in America for quite a while now.

And I think to me, this
is one of those forms

of rebellion where
like again, Americans

seem to want to be
rebellious, but that rebellion,

the foundation of
that rebellion, rebellion

I think inherently means
you have to do something.

And so like something
like anti-vax, what

you’re actually doing is
nothing and then saying

that me doing this nothing
is a no, sorry, my dog

is just coughing right
next to the microphone.

I’m assuming it’s picking it up.

I’m going to wait till that’s finished.

Okay, he’s laid down again.

I died that threw me off.

So the anti-vax movement is a group
of individuals who want to be rebellious.

They want to be noble.

They want to have a cause, but
they don’t want to actually do anything.

So this is like the laziest form of social
resistance is where I’m going to not do the

thing and then tell everyone I’m
being super noble by not doing the thing.

Art I great.

You should all not do the thing with me.

We should actually all do nothing
and then everything will get better.

Now I fundamentally
disagree with that, but

again, we’re talking about
the philosophical realm.

I do enjoy statistics
because they pull the

philosophical into
the reality, which is

kind of what I actually
wanted to talk about.

Republicans did very much
push the anti-vaccination

message ironically
because it was under

Donald Trump’s introduction and fast
forwarding of the vaccine being produced.

So Donald Trump could
take credit for pushing

through the vaccine, getting it done,
getting it made, getting it out there.

But then his party was turning around
and saying, don’t take the vaccine.

So that’s, again, you can see
philosophically, problematically.

You’re saying like, let’s
be anti-establishment

wherein the problem is at the
moment we are the establishment.

How do we do that?

Well, we want everyone
to not take this

medicine that we put extra effort into
getting it done, getting that medicine made.

So I didn’t enjoy
that again, it’s sort of

like an irony in the
American political system.

So Republicans pushed sort
of an anti-vaxx regime ideology.

And the interesting thing
for me, and immediately

was like this puts the people who vote
Republican at greater risk of catching the

disease and therefore
at greater risk of dying

from sort of the
complications of the disease.

So if your political voters are not
being vaccinated and the disease is real.

So I’m going to go ahead
and assume the disease is real.

I’ve had a couple of people come at
me and say that COVID’s not a thing.

It’s just a flu and some other stuff.

I’ve had that argument multiple times.

Sorry, I just, I can’t, I can’t deal
with both of those at the same time.

If COVID is just the
flu and it’s a more

communicable flu
that it kills you, the fact

that it’s not called the flu and
it’s called COVID, does not matter.

I mean, nomenclature
in this case is not

the important issue
we should be looking at.

It’s whether or not it’s killing
people and it was killing people.

The number of people
at risk increased if you

were politically
Republican leaning because

you’re more likely to
not get the vaccine.

That I think is a
statement if COVID is real.

Now this actually goes
into another secondary

set of issues that in America, healthcare
costs because healthcare is not socialized.

If you catch COVID, you’re more likely
to catch COVID if you’re Republican.

If you catch COVID,
you then have to pay

into the privatized healthcare system,
which is very much broken in America.

I mean, the most common
stories you read on

the Internet are about
people going completely

bankrupt all the time because
their insurance won’t pay out.

Their healthcare isn’t there.

They won’t take them
to the hospital unless

they’re in their provider, which I
don’t even know what that really means.

My assumption is you
have a company you deal

with insurance wise
and only certain hospitals

will take you if you have
that insurance and whatnot.

I’ve never lived in a
country that did that.

If I get sick, I go to the closest
hospital and that’s pretty much it.

I mean, in Canada, that’s
the way it worked in Japan.

That’s the way it worked or they take you
to have some pretty horrible stories about

hospitals being closed because of the
hours in stuff in Japan and separate issue.

If you’d like to hear
more about that, you can

drop me a message
and I’ll look into a whole

bunch of stories and put them together
and do a special scenic view on that.

But Yale, which is a university
in America, did a study.

And it was focused
primarily on Ohio and Florida.

And they were focusing primarily on
counties with lower vaccination rates.

And these counties
were primarily Republican.

So Ohio and Florida,
Republican states, and

they were saying,
“Let’s find the Republican

counties within those
states and we’ll study

vaccination, COVID,
transmission, and deaths.”

So they ended up with 538,159
people that were kind of studying.

The first year of the
pandemic, if you were a

Republican or Democrat,
you had a similar death rate.

So in the first year of the
pandemic, we did not have a vaccine.

Everyone was in sort of
the same risk category.

They were saying wear
masks, don’t wear masks.

I mean, this actually
in a weird way proves

that if you were a
Democrat and you’re following

all the rules and you’re wearing
masks and stuff, it didn’t really work.

If we’re being honest, I still would wear a
mask because the number of flu cases did

drop, so you say like, “Well,
it doesn’t work for COVID.”

Well, if it works for every other
disease, it might still be worth doing.

But that’s a separate issue.

That’s not what they’re talking about.

But maybe the Republicans
were wearing masks

because the companies
told them to maybe not.

Maybe no one was wearing a mask properly
because we didn’t know about masks.

We certainly didn’t know about good
masks and how masks should fit in stuff.

There was a very big conversation in Japan
about like, you get the medical masks.

Should the sort of, what do you call it?

It’s not a string, the elastic that
connects the mask to wraps around your ears.

Should that, the
connection point beyond

the outsider, the inside
of the mask because

you want to create a
seal around your mouth?

That was a whole
conversation that went on

during the first year of
the pandemic because

people didn’t know the
right system or the right way.

Way, there were double
masks and all this other stuff.

But the first year of the
pandemic, the death rate

was relatively similar
regardless of political lines.

One month after the
vaccine became available, this

is a quote, excess
mortality was significantly

higher for Republican
voters, like up to 43%.

So what they’re saying
in that first month,

most likely Democrats
were getting the vaccine,

Republicans were not
getting the vaccine and

the death rate either decreased into
Democrats or increased in Republicans.

They didn’t actually look
at what was killing people.

So maybe for that month after the vaccine
was introduced, Republicans were jumping in

front of trains at an exorbitant
rate, something like that.

We don’t know specifically.

But we can say there’s
some causation, some

correlation between
people getting vaccinated

and people not dying during
that initial first few months.

Another study, June
2021 to March 2022, found

234,000 deaths could have been
prevented if people had been vaccinated.

So they’re saying these
vaccines, the people

who got them, they
were not dying people who

didn’t get them in the
same situation, 234,000

people died when they
didn’t necessarily have to die.

People from pro Donald Trump counties
were three times more likely to die.

Again, not specifically saying from COVID.

So you want to say
COVID’s not real, that’s true.

But there was a trend
that after the vaccine was

introduced, Republicans,
pro Trump Republicans

specifically were
dying at a higher rate

than non pro Trump
Republicans and Democrats.

So if you can come up with another
explanation for that, I would love to hear it.

It would be very interesting
to hear someone’s

other point of view
on what was killing

all these pro Trump
Republicans during this period.

In some places in Florida,
some small counties,

the death numbers
are so high they actually

outweighed the number of
votes you would need to do in.

So you have 48% Democrats in this county.

You have 52% Republicans,
5% of the Republicans

in that county died
because of something during

this period when
vaccines were available,

which meant the next
election that comes up,

that county would then
flip from red to blue.

And that to me is the core issue.

And it’s not even a
core issue of again, the

philosophical realm of
should we morally make

people do things they don’t
agree with and things like that.

It is more a case of if I’m a
politician, I want people to vote for me.

And if I want people to vote for
me, those people have to stay alive.

So it’s actually in
my best interest is a

positive politician to
provide my voters, let’s

say we’re going to be really awful
about it and only do this for my voters.

If you vote for me, you
get better health care.

If you vote for me, you get the vaccine.

If you vote for me,
you get all these things

that will keep you alive so that you
can keep voting for me in the future.

That to me is the
philosophical divide between

the reality of what is
happening with the way

this group is thinking and the
reality of how it’s going to play out.

If you’re thinking, do
you never get a vaccine,

never do these things
to take care of yourself,

never increase the
quality of health care.

Because Trump’s one
of his first platforms

was going to come out
with a new health care

system that was going to replace a
bomb of care and it was going to be better.

And that never manifested.

That never happened.

You said you’re going to be
able to choose your doctor.

You’re going to be a better deal.

I don’t, again, there were no specifics.

He’s going to be able to
be more likely speaking.

He says he has that plan in place.

He says that plan is possible.

So if that is the truth,
Donald Trump could

still in this moment reveal that plan to
everyone else and they could vote it in.

He could say, here’s my plan.

It’s the greatest plan that was ever made.

Let’s put it out there in the public.

They’ll still get credit for it.

Maybe he’s Biden’s
president and then it

will actually make
Biden look really stupid.

Why didn’t you come
up with this brilliant plan?

He’s working on his
platform for the next election.

Here’s the health care plan.

I’m going to put it into place,
but let me give you all the plan.

The biggest problem
with him is he never gave

any details of any plan
he ever came up with.

So it always came down to
this dude is just making shit up.

Hi, man.


I want to conclude in
a not wholly negative

way, but the whole
anti-vax movement in this

case and these numbers
don’t lie, it has nothing

to do again with the
philosophical differences.

Like I actually believe if you
don’t want to get the vaccine,

you shouldn’t have to get the
vaccine, but let’s make real clear.

The vaccine came
out and people just who

took it, they were dying less
than the people who weren’t.

And the anti-vax
stance of the rebellious

nature of I just want
to be counter culture.

And none of those
people were dying that that

philosophy was proving itself
to be faulty from the beginning.

I don’t, this is a huge downer to end on.

What a shitty story.

I was interested in the numbers.

I’ve said this many, many times.

I got to work on my conclusions
before I start because I don’t script.

I write notes so that I get my facts right.

I don’t script.

I think I got to start scripting and
ending or at least have an ending point.

Jesus Christ, what a downer.

I don’t know how I end.

How do I end?

This is it.

I talk about stats and people dying.

This is the problem.

So in the engineer’s
Japan, I have adopted a

philosophy of I don’t
talk about people dying.

Now I get pretty gross stories in there.

I actually do that less than I used to.

But because you
can’t end in any sort of

positive way and I don’t want
the endings of, this is like an elbow.

You make an elbow.

You don’t want the
last song to be a downer.

You want the last song
to be a great up note

so that you are willing
to play the album

against you put all your
sad songs in the middle.

I don’t know if that actually happens,
but it was a philosophy I’d heard about.

I need to adopt something
similar for the podcast.

I don’t want to end on a downer.

I don’t want people to
walk away going, man,

I listen to Chuck with
you just this morning

and God damn, do I feel
bad for the rest of the day?

I guess this whole story was about
moves all downers all the way down.

That’s the problem.

But I do talk about just shit all the time.

Like I can just ramble.

Like I am right now.

All I need to do is have Dave
in my lap, scratch his dumb face.

I’m just keep talking.

And there’s the positive note.

For those of your
political leanings, you can

get a stupid little poodle, stick him
in your lap and scratch his dumb face.

Can we get Dave in there?

This is the problem.

I had the mic up here and it was a really
good position, but it seemed to echo.

And so I had the mic down here.

Because it’s a front facing mic.

Because it was below
my mouth, depending on

where my head was, it was
picking up different levels.

So now I’ve put the mic down and angled
it so that it’s aiming sort of at my face.

I’m hoping this is the first time I’ve
done it, so I’m hoping that sounds better.

I’m going to stuff around my room.

I seem to have managed
to create a small echo,

which I think most
people wouldn’t notice,

but when you edit your own
podcast, you hear all this stuff.

What I really want to do
though is get down to Dave Cam.

Check that out.

That’s actually pretty good angle.

Because I worry about my
hairline because it’s so bad.

I do think the mic
and the nerd stuff in

the corner is more
interesting than my face.

People are always like, “Oh, you
got to do a video for the podcast.

You got to do it on YouTube.

I never wanted to do that because I never
really wanted to put my face on camera.”

But if I could get just
Dave Cam, if I did it from this

angle, actually that I think
that looks pretty good.

You get my mouth moving.

So there is motion in the image.

You get the dog.

I think the tech setup, the
mic and the pop filter and stuff.

I like the way that looks, but that’s
maybe just because I’m into this stuff.

This might be my… If Dave’s on
my lap, this might be my setup.

I might do that.

I can just… My
beard’s now big enough.

I can actually run my fingers through it.

Who’s so sexual?

I was going to do a
bit on the alien reveal,

but all I have to say
is that I don’t think

anyone gives a shit because
it’s not going to impact our lives.

Because the fact that aliens are really
real statistically is not a surprise.

The problem is everyone’s
life is so shitty right now.

How does aliens being
real help make us better?

So this is what I was doing before.

When you would comment,
I would actually just…

All I was saying is if aliens are
real and they crash into earth.

Man, they are shit-oilers
despite their ETL travel.

So this was my
thinking for when I do an

international Japan and when I do CMEB
is I put the voice on in the background.

Because I can then
just… It’s in a browser.

I can just turn it off.

But then you comment,
I can actually respond

to you like we’re
having a conversation.

I know there’s still like
the four-second delay.

I’ve turned the delay down as low
as possible, but it’ll make it more.

Because what I was
doing before is you would

write a comment and I would read it
and there would be a pause in the podcast.

The pause was long enough, I
could then drop that voice chat.

Like I could actually just
do it through an online thing.

And I did the last
couple episodes and I

actually really liked it
because it meant you

would say something
I could respond to it,

but it sounded more
natural because I didn’t

have to read it out
because often I’ll read

it and not realize I
haven’t set it out loud.

But I mean, aliens being real
is not a big surprise to me.

Everyone’s coming to
Earth is more of a surprise,

but they didn’t actually
say aliens came to Earth.

They were very specific in their language.

It was, “Does it contain alien biologics?”

I’m going to look into this a
little more, maybe do it next

week because I didn’t have
anything planned for next week.

But alien biologics, I mean,
it said, “Non-human biologics.

I have a non-human
biologic in my lap right now.”

So it doesn’t actually
mean it was an alien,

you know, green-headed little
dude who came down to talk to us.

I can encourage statistically
unlikely that no aliens exist.

I think factually speaking,
they’ve already found on

Europa the moon that goes
around, I think it’s Jupiter.

Under the ice, there’s Amoeba.

So I mean, I know that’s not
exciting alien life, but it is alien life.

I did a whole episode on that,
one of the old world podcasts.

And it wasn’t that
aliens don’t exist, it was

why aliens wouldn’t
bother coming to Earth.

Because you wouldn’t
come to a place, you

wouldn’t come to Earth,
you would send a probe.

And so that’s it, these alien
spacecraft that they’ve caught.

I don’t think there’s alien aliens in it.

I think it’s probably just
like a satellite or a probe.

And one of those crashing
actually makes perfect

sense because it got too
close to the atmosphere.

There’s a lot of shit
going on and it crashed.

That makes sense to me.

So the guys said they covered crash ships
and sometimes in a crash you find pilots.

Yeah, they recovered crash ships.

Again, ships is unspecific as
to what they’re talking about.

And again, they said biologics, they
wouldn’t actually say pilot or anything.

And the only question
that was interesting

is have, has the US
government, and not well

doing their FTL and
smacking right into the Earth?

Well, that you’ve made
an interesting assumption

that they’re using an
FTL that we understand

it because we’re bound by
our ideas and science fiction.

Their understanding of physics
may be different, first of all.

But a very interesting
concept that most

people don’t think about
that I hadn’t thought

about until I have a friend and
I talked to who studied physics.

He has a masters in physics.

And he was saying the
vastness of the universe

is so great that
there is the possibility

that if you get further, far enough away
from Earth, the rules of physics change.

And that I was like that
blew my mind because

basically he’s saying
if you get far enough

away, maybe gravity doesn’t
work the way we think it works.

If you get far enough
away and there’s enough

black holes, time just doesn’t
work the way we understand it.

So our complete
understanding of physics

and reality and time
and everything is based

on our area of space,
but space being essentially

infinite means that
within space there

is the possibility that
everything is different.

And so these guys
having existed in a different

place with different
rules of physics means

that their version of travel
may be completely different.

Whereas they just, you
know, it’s heart powered,

so they’re like care
bears and then they

use the care bear countdown
and then they’re in Earth.

Like that’s it.

So there’s no FTL, there’s no machine
involved, it has to do with passion.

And the more passionate you are,
the more distance you can cover.

The problem is when
they get here, maybe the

care bear countdown
doesn’t work on the way back.

So because again, the
rules of physics here

and the rules of physics
there don’t match up.

And that is something
like as I just assumed

as a kid, as a high
school student university

student, the physics
was a thing, it was a

rule and it just everything
would follow those rules.

I hadn’t taken into
account that just the

simple fact of distance,
great enough distance

meant the rules could
possibly change over space.

And that was something
I really, really enjoyed.

The math behind war drives is feasible.

They could be fourth
dimensional, which would

also fix the problem, but we’d really
struggle to perceive them coherently.

Yes, I cannot argue with that.

I mean, I know I like the, because I follow
all the science fiction shows and so they

all have their own theories on
how faster the light travel works.

Star Trek, basically
they encompass the ship

in a bubble and then
they fold space around it.

And then they did the
discovery show and they

had a whole different
system where they did

like these wormholes
that they essentially

created on the fly and they
just move through those.

Power wars, you basically bounce off suns.

So that’s why they
have to do, they actually

do a lot of like we
can’t fly until we do

calculations because
basically we’re going to

slingshot around different
gravities throughout

space and then as the
slingshots go, it’ll get

faster and faster and
faster, which is pretty cool.

And that’s why the Kessel
run for the Millennium Falcon.

So it’s whatever it
was, 12 parsecs and

parsecs is not the
classic nerd thing is those

made of measurement of
time, it’s a measurement

of space, but the Kessel run
is a race around a black hole.

And so the person
who gets closest to the

black hole is going to
use actually the least

amount of distance, but then
also be able to win the race faster.

So the Millennium Falcon got closest to the
black hole in 12 parsecs and survived and

pulled out because
the problem is if you get

too close to the black
hole, you get pulled

in and destroys your
ship, you don’t win the race.

So you have to find that line where your
ship could survive the distance to and from

the black hole and still win
the race, which I really enjoy.

So that was one of
those things, it was a

nerd thing where it
was like does not speed,

just tell me, or distance, and then I
was like yeah, but why is it distance?

And it turns out because
it’s a race around a black hole.

So the closer you get,
the less you have to,

you know, distance you have to travel,
but also the risk you’re up it comes.

And Han Solo being
Han Solo in the Millennium

Falcon, dude’s taking
some bitches risks.

Bad and slow, that’d feel.

Oh God, idea.

I don’t know how anything
would feel in space.

Space has been a big fantasy for me.

I mean, close to a black hole.

But they did, look at
these face, I’m sorry.

We’re going to stop
talking about space and

just look at these,
these little tongues out.

He’s getting his head scratched.

Ah, this is the best thing in the world.

Fuck aliens and space and
Republicans and Democrats.

It’s all just Dave with his tongue
out getting his head scratched.

Ah, I do this shit and I’m like, ah, I can’t
put this into the audio podcast because

for me, podcasting is still a
audio format, not a video format.

So this goes into the YouTube video.

It doesn’t go into the podcast, which is
too bad because all those people miss out.

And my audience is still primarily audio.

Podcast not video.

I think I get like maybe
20 views is a good video

on YouTube for me, which
is almost feels pointless.

But then I had the, the triple R video.

It had 15,000.

So that was like, for the scope of
what I do, that’s like a huge blow up.

It’s really cool.

Oh, Dave, how, how is
it that you do nothing?

They should be on the line recording.

I think, I think a lot of people are.

I need to, if I really want to do that, I
would love to set up a better schedule.

But because I have so
much shit to do, it’s very hard.

It’s nice during the holidays because
I can now just sit here and hang out.

But then my kids are at home.

So I do have to take care of my kids.

But taking care of my
kids because they’re older

now literally just means
making sure they get food.

And I like making them good food.

Oh, just get that all.

Then the nose massage.

Oh, this is like asthma if I would shut up.

Get the microphone down into Dave’s
face and just listen to the scratches.

Alien Caveman Finale

(upbeat music)

So, there are three chapters left.

So I believe we are at the end of caveman aliens,

ransom, a Sci-Fi, BBW, alien faded mates, romance, I believe.

I don’t know how many times I’ve done this now.

So there’s been 14 months.

So a year every month, I’ve been reading chapters of this book.

And I have to say, I did not enjoy any of this sex.

I did enjoy the world building.

I didn’t really enjoy the characters that much.

Dialogue’s pretty weak.

But I got into it.

So here we are, chapter 28.

I think 29 30.

What’s the situation?

Summary, the final summaries, the ladies were taken

from their university where they were working

on translation device, transported through space

where they tried to take over the ship,

failed miserably, were dropped on a planet.

The planet had dinosaurs, kind of, alien dinosaurs.

They were all looking for food.

Sophia, our main character, falls into a river

that makes you drunk, gets, falls down like a waterfall

into a cave where she meets a man, alien man,

who is jacked on steroids, has tiger stripes on him

and red eyes that are sexy as hell apparently.

He also has two penite, a big one

and a little one that looks like a sex toy.

He decides, this is the fruit, there are no women on this planet.

They reproduce by putting their genetic material

into a plant and growing essentially clones.

They did not get specific as to how they

put their genetic material into the plant.

I believe they have sex with the plant.

He tries to wake her up by performing oral sex on her.

She says it’s really good, but then goes, “Hey, you shouldn’t do that.”

They hang out for a bit, they get down and they knock boots.

They start, he’s like, “Hey, come back to my village.”

He’s like, “I gotta help my friends.”

She goes back to her friends, they go to the village,

she goes to the village, they meet again,

they knock boots again, it’s really good apparently.

They get to the village and then the priest of the village

is like, “Whoa, she’s the mother for told in her prophecy.”

Those other women are on our sacred ground

and either they come down and be our sex slaves or we kill them.

This view is like, “Hell no!”

So then she gets put in prison while

they try to figure out what to do with her.

Unknown stranger puts a ladder because it’s just like a big hole.

Put a ladder in the prison, she crawls out

and then works her way back to her friends.

She only knows one person on the planet,

so it was pretty clear who it was from the beginning to me,

but they tried to make that in mystery,

which was a good effort, but pretty much a failure.

They get back to the container that was

dropped on the planet with all the women in.

They’re all overjoyed to see each other

and then these things, they’re calling them not Dakto’s,

they’re taradactyl giant bird dinosaur

things are coming in and going to attack

and they were gonna kill Sophia and

then a whirling blade of madness came out

and started cutting stuff up.

That was Jackson.

Our heroes love interest.

The hero being Sophia, in this case, heroin.

I actually, you know, I don’t see heroes

being gendered, so I’m sure I’m wrong.

But our hero love interest, Jackson came in and he’s, (imitates gunfire)

he’s cutting them all up and shit, but he’s getting tired and she’s like,

I have to go back, I have to help.

So, let us make this happen.

Chapter 28, Sophia.

I hiss and curse and scramble and try to claw my way to the door,

but not have to help him, but the

other girls hold me back until I calm down.

There’s nothing you can do, someone says into my ear.

We have no weapons.

She had a gun, she’s used it all.

Good stuff.

You’ll just get it his way.

I realize that it’s true and I take a deep shaking breath

and try to keep from breaking down into a screaming heap,

a sore, sob forces its way out of me.

As my world is filled with black despair,

still I notice that the girls are filled with something else.

God, that’s him, that’s her boyfriend.

Fuck, he’s hot, okay, pause.

You are in a container that is being attacked by dinosaurs.

You are all under the threat of death.

You may notice that he’s a very attractive man.

You are not going to start having conversation about it.

You are going to be in stiff silence,

you’re going to be stunned, you’re going to be shocked.

Okay, then the next sentence makes though.

Are they all like him?

So like can I get one too?

He just chopped off its head with a single slice.

I’ve never seen anyone jump that high.

Yeah, the other girls saw him too.

For the first time I realized I can just shake my head.

They’re definitely not all like him, not at all.

No one’s not like him in the whole universe.

I can hear the screeching from the knot ductiles outside.

I clamp my hands over my ears.

And then the whole tuna can’t reverberate

with a bang, so loud, Caroline loses her balance.

It falls on her butt.

We stare at each other.

What the hell?

Then there’s another bang and another.

And I realize that the walls of the tuna

can are getting dented from the outside.

The dents protrude into the can.

They’re big and pointy.

Like, dactyl beaks.

They’re trying to break into someone whispers.

Shit, I wonder if it’ll hold together.

It did go through space.

I’m pretty sure I can handle a dinosaur.

We sit in a huddle on the floor and hug each other.

Looking up at the ceiling, we’re more and more dense

and more performing with loud rattling bangs.

It’s like being inside a huge drum when

someone’s throwing large rocks at it.

The gun is empty, I whisper, unnecessarily in a sore throat.

Do we have any Spears?

Just this or a whole set of stick that’s only the size of a pool cue.

But I think it’s pretty much worse than nothing.

Roll and window.


The tuna can is now reverberating constantly

with bangs and the dactyls are definitely sitting

on top of it and pecking hard at the metal.

Many new dents develop.

The sound is taking on a strange sound

as if the metal is starting to give in

that a streak of daylight appears in the ceiling.

That’s a whole, somebody says.

It’s not holding.

Fuck, this can’t be good.

All that exposition, I know it’s only four lines, completely unnecessary.

Everyone would understand.

But I feel a calmness come over me.

I’m pretty sure Jaxon is dead.

Those dactyls are fierce and there were hundreds of them.

He can’t defeat them all.

This whole thing is just no good outcome for me.

Because it’s time to get real.

We have no way to get off the planet.

The plude aren’t going to come back and get us again.

Even if we survive this, we’ll be killed by something sooner or later.

And this being eaten by dinosaurs is probably

better than being kept as a sex slave

by a stone age tribe.

And better than being sacrificed and better than being slowly killed by one.

This is a very long sentence.

And better than being slowly killed one after the other

by a various horrors of this planet.

Maybe dying like this isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

At least we’ll die together.

In reality, we were dead the moment we were kidnapped from Earth.

I’ve known it all along.

I just haven’t admitted it to myself.

Don’t worry, girls.

I say I can hear the flatness of my voice.

This is all going to be OK.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay in care.


The entirety of this book.

She’s taken on a role of the happy, go lucky girl.

Well, whatever happens, I’m going to stay

in character as the cheerful one to the end.

No one replies.

They probably think I’ve gone crazy.

There’s a horrendous metallic shriek

as a portion of the roof is being rolled and ripped off.

Along beak dips down.

We all squeal and bunch together up to the wall by the door.

Other parts of the roof are breaking down too.

And pieces of the metal are torn off the top.

Like an actual tuna can, can.

Tuna can being attacked by a maniac with a blunt knife in each hand.

Pointy, not dactyl snouts with terrible teeth are being stuck in from above.

Now we can smell them too.

It’s a smell like rotting meat and sulfur.

I think this is it, girls.

The deliost says calmly.

We deserved an end better than this.

But for what it’s worth, it’s been a pleasure working

with all of you because they’re not in the military.

They can’t say serve.

So it’s been a pleasure working with all of you.

We all look to each other.

It’s hopeless, but we face certain deaths so many times now

that we just don’t have many more fucks to give.

We clutch each other’s hands, slender, dirty, sore,

and bruised hands that were used for lifting coffee mugs

and using cell phones and writing on computer keyboards.

But then had to do a very different things on this planet.

I’m proud of us.

I think we’ve done really well.

Even if it ends like this, damn right.

It’s been an honor, guys.

Thanks for everything, ladies.

We’re the best fucking tribe on this shitty planet.

The best by far, I heard the other ones.

I don’t even have– I heard the other ones don’t even have women.

Fuck this useless planet.

And it’s pitiful, loser kidnappers that dumped us here.

I’d like to see anyone else do this after us.

Earth, girls, rule.

Thanks, guy.

Fuck this is some painful dialogue.

They could have had someone give sort

of a mini-month-a-log to three sentences.

And then they all just kind of agree would have been more impactful.

The dialogue in this has been rough.

It’s been hit and missed.

Sometimes it’s pretty good.

Sometimes it’s pretty bad.

This to me is bad.

I don’t think this is– I am very big on if I’m writing a serious

story, how would people actually talk?

And a lot of times in these kind of situations,

they just wouldn’t say anything at all.

So that’s what you have to go with.

They certainly wouldn’t have a line for everyone that they pass around.

Something makes me get to my feet, and

the girls are looking at me in puzzlement.

My knees are weak.

My movements are jerky with fear.

But I know what to do.

Jaxana’s alone out there.

He has to be dead already.

But I want to go to him.

No, I need to go to him.

I will die holding around his dead body.

It’s right.

You know, I’m not sitting here like a trapped rat just waiting

for a damn-not-dacto to decide to eat me.

Gun or not, I’m going out fighting.

I slapped the door button and step outside.

That’s pretty cool.

Now, she says she’s going to go out and die holding her lover’s body.

I’m OK with that.

She says she’s going to go out fighting.

I think it would be worth to go out fighting.

This is a classic.


There’s tons of movies where they have

the guy with a gun and a guy without a gun.

And they say dig a hole.

And it’s clearly that he’s digging a grave for himself.

And when he’s dig onto a certain point, the guy shoots him.

And he falls down dead in the hole.

I’ve always thought in that moment, I’m going to die anyways.

I don’t want to die digging my own hole.

So since I’m going to die anyways, it would be worthwhile

to attack the man with the gun and give it a shot.

Because if I lose, he’s going to kill me.

But then he has to dig the hole.

If I win, I don’t have to dig a hole.

So regardless of result, I am plus not digging a hole.

Whereas that guy is 100% digging a hole or dying.

So it’s kind of win-win even if you lose.

She’s kind of got the same philosophy.

She’s like, I’m going to die.

I might as well die on my own terms.

This is how I’m going to do it.

I got some respect for Sophia.

Chapter 29.


I just, just as I exit the tuna can, all the not-dactals

take off and soar into the sky.

More like a flock of giant starlings than a swarm of deadly predators.

I can’t count the not-dactals lying dead on the ground.

They’re too big.

They’re probably at least 20.

The rest are now flying off fast into the distance.


I hadn’t noticed that they hadn’t stopped attacking at the roof.

I peer skeptically up to the sky.

But it actually does look like they’re all leaving.

Probably they’re not used to the resistance.

And certainly not the resistance, Jackson must have given them.

But where is he?

A huge not-dactal carcass strut.

The huge not-dactal carcass strut, strune

everywhere, and make it hard to find him.

But then I finally see him.

And my hands go to my mouth.

Oh my god.

He’s on his knees.

And his sword is on the ground.

He’s bleeding profusely from many cuts and slashes

in irregular wounds that I realize are not dactyl bites taken out of him.

I run over with a panic, rising once more.


He raises his head and says something.

But I don’t have the translator.

And I don’t know what he’s saying.

The blood is dripping from him, and already

collecting a black puddle under him.

Hell by scream towards the tuna can’t,

because this is more than I can handle on my own.

I never expected him to still be alive.

I see the girls looking out and up to make sure the not-dactals are gone.

And then Delia and Heidi come running.

Is he OK?


He chased them away.

That’s insane.

I realize that any place is as good as the other right now.

And we can treat him right here in the shade,

finding him alive, reignites the hope in me.

We need something he can lie down on.

The bandages rip up lab coats into long strips

and take care of him while I go and find herbs.

We have to stop that bleeding and maybe prevent infection, too.

I run into the woods to where I know there

are many different bushes and plants and herbs.

I’m still choked up with fear for Jackson.

I have to stop or slow the bleeding somehow.

If he has internal injuries, I don’t think there’s much I can do.

I find the herbs and I know I know we’ll clean the wounds.

It hopefully helps slow the bleeding.

And if I pick every leaf of it, I find the herbs I know

will clean the wounds and hopefully help slow the bleeding.

And I pick every leaf of it.

I can find and I run back to Jackson half

expecting him to be dead on the ground.

He’s on the ground but he’s still alive and

even smiling with a face that’s so pale,

I feel my face crunch up in fear because his blood loss scares me.

But if there was ever a time when I should

be happy, go lucky, this is it, fuck you.

I use two rocks to mash the various herbs into a green, fresh smelling paste

and gently apply it to the biggest wounds.

Caroline and Amelia bring one of the permanent mattresses

they’ve made for themselves to sleep on.

Jackson slowly shifts his position so he can lie down.

He says something with a smirk and I know he’s making a joke.

Black humor.

That scares me too.

He knows this is bad.

Caroline goes back to the tuna can to boil water

and Amelia goes to get water for him to drink.

What can I do, Aurora asks?

I show her the medicinal plants.

Get more herbs like this.

She runs into the woods.

Heidi runs over with a lab coat then starts

ripping it up and carefully puts strips

on the wounds that we’ve put the herb paste on.

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but I never saw a guy that fuck off.

But I never saw a guy this totally jacked

and they have a huge gym in his village.

In the moment of crisis, you would not say this.

You might think it, you would not say it.

You certainly would not ask the fucking question.

I glance up at her.

I’m not really in the mood to chit chat.

Not that I know of.

I think maybe they’re born pretty strong and

then their lives make them even stronger.

But not all of them are this muscular fuck off.

She lowers her voice conspiratorally.

So did you, you know?

This is degraded the value of everything I’ve done previously.

Because they’ve now descended into junior high school level sex talk

while a man is bleeding to death in front of them.

And a man that the main character supposedly loves.

So this would not happen.

This whole thing I’m reading right now

is incredibly disappointing because this would not happen.

I know perfectly well, but she’s going to have to spell it out

if she wants to be a fuck off.

You wouldn’t even extend it.

You would just say not now.

Did I what?

You know, you and him.

I mean, there’s no women in his tribe

and he looks like this probably had to be tempting to hook up, right?

I mash up more of the herbs despite everything Heidi’s light tone

about a not vital topic is actually is actually purking me up.

There’s been too much life or death stuff lately, probably.

So did you hook up?

I can’t help a little smirk play around my mouth.

Some hooking may or may not have taken place.


This would be appropriate.

If you would take care of sort of the immediate trauma care

and he was like sleeping gently and

then you start talking after, this is fine.

The fact that they’re doing it now completely doesn’t make sense.

She grins, oh my God, I knew it.

Is he like the other guys I mean down there because he’s only wearing a kilt

and I can see like straight up.

Yes, I get it, I say before she can go on.

No, not exactly like the other guys or earth guys, I guess.

It’s a little different there in a good way.

It feels totally inappropriate to talk about these intimate matters

with him right there, correct?

But I’m kind of bursting with pride, incorrect.

And he can’t understand what we’re saying anyways.

And he’s breathing easier now.

He still pale as a sheep but he’s tougher than anyone has a right to be.

And now I actually have some hope that he’ll pull through.

In a good way I confirm and smile at the memory

actually in the best way you can imagine and then some hidey is impressed.

Oh my God, and he has a body like this and he’s totally confident

and defeats a million of dactyls all alone.

Does he have a breath?

Does he have a brother?

I think this second last chapter may ruin the whole thing for me

if they keep this shit up.

If they do like three more four more chapters of this shit, I’m done.

Well, I mean, I’m done anyways, but I mean,

you’re ruining my memory of what the bits I’ve enjoyed by this.

This is like when you watch a movie

and you watch like a second or third movie

and then it ruins the first movie.

This last chapter is ruining previous chapters.

Does he have a brother?

I lift a heavy arm and apply more green paste.

It looks like his tiger stripes are much harder and resilient

than the ordinary skin around them.

Like he’s wearing natural armor if he survives, that’s what saved him.

I don’t think they have those.

They’re all clones.

How do you gasp, you say?

They’re clones.

So there could be many, just like this one.

Millions, like those from Star Wars.


The pain I’m experiencing right now is visceral.

Not as far as I know, I think he’s the only one who’s just like this.

Oh well, even so, heck, forget the brother, I’ll just sell for a cousin

or even acquaintance of this guy.

This is gross.

Like this is actually gross.

Emile comes over with water and sucks on drinks, greedily.

It occurs to me that he’s probably just like that.

Juicy gave me.

He probably brought his bag, large green thing made of dinosaur skin.

I’ll find it Emile says that hesitates.

Is he okay?

Down there I mean, with his killed thing.

Why is everyone just fucking looking in his deck?

Stop it.

I mean, with that killed thing, I can see

pretty much everything and it looks kind of.

He’s fine, I state.

He’s an alien, just a little different.

All right, she looks up and down appreciatively

and then gives me a guilty little smile and something.

So suddenly, all these women are just fucking horn dogs.

It’s, yeah, no, they’re gross.

This group of scientists, intelligent scientists women are gross.

Or a return returns with two fistfuls of herbs and starts mashing it all up.

We’re running out of bandages and Jackson looks like

a character of a patient from the world’s least competent hospital.

All the herbs have stopped most of the bleeding and he is still awake.

In media, Emile finds his bag and brings

it over and Caroline brings hot water.

We clean the blood off him.

Well, Jackson wordlessly offers each of us a drink

from his canteen before he’ll take as much of a sit for himself.

He’s so selfless and noble.

I just give, give in and fall back into the unhappy certainty of love.

Right there and then, because what more

can I, can he do to prove himself to me?

Not that I needed much proof in the first place.

I’ll tell him that in some time.

She was looking for like judgment earlier though.

So I’m not a big fan of that.

We carefully clean him and I notice the

girls are taking some joy and it fuck you.

They can care for someone else for a change.

Someone who pretty much has to be the game changer for us.

Because with Jackson on our side, everything looks much brighter.

Well, almost everything.

I don’t think he can help us get back to Earth.

Jackson is remarkably calm.

And patient while we finish with him as well as we can.

Of course, it’s the first time he’s being cared for by women.

He’s probably pretty pleasant for him despite the wounds and the blood loss.

Despite the wounds and the blood loss, he’s

sitting up with his back against the tree,

the center of attention of six young women.

He seems to take to that like a fish to water.

He suddenly rummages through his bag and

takes out a translator and hands it to me.

He could only wants to say something.

I turn on the device and kneel down beside him.

He’s pale still.

And I’m sure he’ll continue to be for a while.

But his voice is strong and his deep is ever.

He says something.

It sounds like a question.

For some reason, I know what it is.

It’s like a bright light goes off in my soul.

And the day gets brighter.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

I guess my first problem with that is,

does this alien culture of all men have a concept of marriage?

Maybe the men pair off with other men, but they’re fucking plants.

So maybe they pair off with plants, which seems unlikely.

So if they have marriage, there probably

is marriage between two men who like,

I’m not even making it sexual.

If they just love each other and want to be together

and support each other, they could have marriage.

But because the women have been prophesized in their religion,

it may be included in their religion.

So I would like a little explanation of that,

but we’ll not worry about that right now.

Will you marry me?

The over-chipper female voice from the translator,

Sherbs, I look into his eyes, so alien.

But at the same time, the most human man I’ve ever met.

And I know just enough of his language

to reply proper– I fucked up the response.

And I know just enough of his language to reply properly.


Yes, the translator speaks.

And I hear the girls around us gasping.

There’s nothing to wonder about.

That would have been my answer since, oh, about day two of knowing him.

He saved my life too many times to count.

That should not be the foundation for a marriage.

Saving someone’s life, the adrenaline and stuff,

that is not a solid foundation for a marriage.

He’s kind and is honorable and intelligent and strong

and calm with a glint in those alien eyes.

He makes love like a champ.

And I love him.

Some of those attributes do make for a good marriage.

Some of them do not.

He loves me too.

He left his tribe and he’s standing on there for Bitten Boone to protect me.

I have a feeling that act will cost him dearly.

Yes, of course I will marry him right now, right here,

in the jungle, wearing dinosaur skins, not

having seen a bottle of shampoo for weeks.

I don’t care about the wedding, being everything I dreamed

it would be, I just want to be married to Jaxson.

He takes my hand and squeezes it in his large, calloused one.

The girls let us gaze into each other’s eyes for a minute

before they start whispering very loudly behind me.

Did she just agree to marry that guy?

I had no idea aliens even got married.

Are we sure it was Sophia?

He asked.

It could have been any one of us, technically.

Did she?

With that guilt, he’s rocking.

I can totally see most of.

Is she just, does she know what she’s doing?

She totally hooked up with him and he’s super spectacular, she says.

They all gasp and go quiet, stunned by the revelation.

My voice has just gone valley girl.

Fuck, Caroline says it last.

If they’re all like that, maybe we should just become sex slaves after all.

Oh, that’s an awful line.

That is, that is actually awful.

I mean, you’ve, again, you’ve taken the honor and the

nobility of these women and just desecrated it as much as you can.

I finally collect my thoughts enough to sit down beside Jaxon.

I kiss him on the lips and I feel that they’re pretty cold.

I don’t know how long it will take for him to recover from the blood loss,

but he’ll make it.

He’s strong as fuck.

I squeeze his hand.

I didn’t know you’d even hurt a marriage.

I mean, you’re all males.

Oh, there you go.

This, okay, so this, this is the stuff that

boys me up in this story, which is, again,

a shocking roller coaster of emotions.

I asked the question a page later, talking

about the very thing I was talking about.

Do you marry each other maybe?

She, he smiles, tired but happy.

The tribe remembers the life before the women disappeared.

A man and a woman could get married and live together forever.

Now we have difficulties imagining the life that perfect.

Some say it was a fantasy, a fairy tale, something that never happened, but

I remembered it just now and it seemed like the most natural thing to ask.

Is there a ritual or something?

I mean, on Earth, we have all kinds of

traditions that you have to get married.

I’m sure there is.

The shaman has rituals for everything,

but I don’t think he will help us with it.

I doubt I’m still a member of the tribe after stepping on sacred boon.

I nod.

A man like him won’t try to conceal something like that.

He will live the consequences of his actions.

Well, for what it’s worth, you’re more

than welcome to be a member of our tribe.

Right, girls?

They all agree enthusiastically.

See, we’re the best tribe here too.

I’d love to get married pretty soon, but it’s not like we can find a

minister or a judge to officiate anyways.

And that shaman world, we’re all quiet for a moment.

Then Caroline looks around and this little

raises her hand like she’s in the class.

I think maybe I can.

We all look at her and I raise an eyebrow.

You can?

Well, I don’t know about here, but I can in New Jersey.

I got a license to marry people so I could wed my parents.

That sentence has weird implications, but okay.

Like, if you read it wrong, it’s like, “I married you.”

You need my parents.

We all stare.

Caroline shuffles her feet and continues quickly because my parents lived

together like common

law couple, but they had a really great and loving relationship and kids and


So one day I asked why they weren’t married and they say they just haven’t

fought about it.

And then I said, “They should get married

because they might as well at this point.”

And they said, “Okay, you want that?

Then how about you wed us?”

So we waited until I turned 18 and then I applied for a license and I got it

and then I officiated and we were married.

It’s official too.

A spark of happiness flies through my mind.

This is a nice surprise for once.

Will you marry us, Caroline?

I mean, wed us?


How do you say that without a sounding word?

I see the author and I kind of are on the same page on something.

I mean, could you officiate for us?

Will you?

She shrugs.

Sure, it’s not hard.

You should probably think of your own vows.

I mean, with all the alien stuff and all.

I look up at my strong and honorable and spectacular alien warrior.

Do you understand that?

Is it absolutely a smirk on his face?

I understand.

Get married soonest.

The ancestral smile upon me when I wed the mother of Zran on Boone even,

sacred ground.

So our last chapter is a wedding, which is kind of fucking awesome because I

did not expect again the best part of this

book so far has been regularly I have not

expected what has happened to us.

And it’s the end of every chapter.

And often I am wrong and that is the best part of this book so far.

So far, what I mean, the last chapter.

We inspect the tuna can.

It’s totally ruined.

It looks more like a colander now that a tin can.

We can’t live here anymore, Delia says.

It will give us no protection at all.

The dactyls know where we live.

I have a feeling they’ll be back.

These huge carcasses will start to rot and be a major biohazard.

And one reason for staying here was that the kidnappers might be back.

Now it’s probably been too long for that.

Even if they did come, this thing is broken and they probably can’t attach

it to their ship again.

I nod.

I want this tuna can to be closed chapter in my life now.

We can do better elsewhere on this planet.

How about a cave where you found me, Jackson?

He was walking slowly around.


He’s walking around now slowly, but still he’s recovering fast.

We’re talking like an hour.

Tribesmen come there sometimes.

Also the water isn’t good to drink.

I know about a better place, further away, but safer.

There are caves, cleaner water, trees

that bear fruit, good defensive positions.


Because on this planet, your life is

always in danger from someone or something.

It’s the way life was for everyone on earth too.

Not so long ago, but I guess we have forgotten that.

At least we have Jackson now.

That makes our chances much better.

I totally trust him to do the best way.


I totally trust him to know the best way to do this.

Fine with me, but we should stay here for at least another night, Jackson.

Jackson is in no shape to walk in the jungle.

Jackson shows us how to gather useful stuff from the dead dactyls, like

certain parts of their skin and sharp teeth and talons.

We’ve toughened up a lot now and Delia cuts huge, rager sharp teeth out of

the dactyls as if she’s done it many times before.

That’s kind of cool.

It turns out to be a pretty good evening.

We feel safe enough to light a big fire from

the dead knocked dactyls, and we sit in a

circle around it and talk and joke and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

I know we have many hard times ahead of

us, but we’re over the first major hurdle.

The dip as Delia calls it.

We’re over the dip and we made it more or less.

Some of this made it out like bandits.

I glanced up at Jackson.

I’m sitting as close to him as I can without stripping him naked, and I

enjoy the heat from him, safety he exudes.

The warm light from the fire flickers across his face and makes him look a

little less alien.

He’s not beautiful perhaps, but he’s handsome enough and he’s super manly

and has the soul of a lion seriously.

Who could ask for anything more?

We get married the next morning.

Caroline is wearing her lab coat, which I know she spent some time cleaning

in the stream using rocks and such.

She’s buttoned it all the way up to look all spiritual.

The girls have made a little altar and saved some of the food they have for

the reception after the ceremony.

This is a very, I’m sorry I have to have to have said it.

It’s a very feminine way to handle

this to actually go through all this stuff.

It’s good.

That’s actually kind of appropriate because they want it to be special so

they’re going to make it special.

The sun is rising and it’s throwing long shadows.

I’m in my blue cave woman outfit because it’s all I have.

Jackson is wearing his kilt and nothing else.

As usual, the girls have made me a little tiara of flowers and that’s my

whole wedding gear.

You think it would be ridiculous.

No one here can dress right.

I don’t have a scrap of lace anywhere on me and no best man.

There are no wedding bells and no

family members but I have four bridesmaids.

Delia is my maid of honor and I have the

best groom in history and I’m happily bawling

my eyes out before it’s even started.

So it’s a real wedding.

All right.

I spent the night in Jackson’s arms.

He couldn’t do much more than hold me but that’s fine.

He’s quietly told me about his life and

his tribe and now that he’s an outcast.

Well because of me, he sacrificed so many things for me it’s insane.

He’s fine with it.

Not one word of blame passed his lips and his tone of voice was always calm

and matter of fact.

The way he always is.

Choking even.

Now he’s waiting at the altar, a revelation of manliness of strength.

Even with the dirty improvised bandages all over him, the tall and blonde

Caroline is standing

there looking serious and downright regal

and the girls are standing a couple of yards

away looking at me solemnly.

I walk between them and up to the altar holding eight red flowers at my

hands, one for each of us girls and one for Elysia and one for Jackson.

I’m able to keep the tears down for this.

The light from the alien sun is throwing golden rays through the bushes and

branches of the jungle.

There’s just a little bit of mist on the close to the ground and I’ve never

felt more with more one with anything and that is holy.

I’ve never felt more one with everything that is holy than right now.

Nobody smiling at the simplicity of it all, everyone is serious.

This is my wedding.

It’s not quite the way I planned and dreamed about when I was growing up,

but this is real and it’s totally wonderful.

Jackson takes my hand and walks me the last two steps up to Caroline.

She says a few words that sound a lot like they were from a hippie wedding

because there’s

a lot of words like blossom and Harmony and commonality, but that’s fine.

It’s pretty appropriate for the situation.

She does great.

I say some simple vows.

Fog, you gotta say what the vows are.

That was literally the point of setting this

up was they could say vows to each other.

I say some simple vows I thought of.

Jackson says some pretty much shorter which comes across pretty powerfully.

He’s not kidding about this.

Fucking garbage man.

If you’re gonna do a wedding, the vows are the thing that you actually

present, which means

you, the writer, could not think of good

vows for them to say to each other, which is

total bullshit.

Then Caroline asks us the important question.

Jackson goes, “Tool.”

In a powerful voice with a hint of impatience and then I say, “I do as

firmly as I can,” which is not very because I’m tearing up again.

We kiss and that’s it.

There’s no aisle to walk down and no organ to play or with the recessional.

The girls come to hug me and congratulate me now that I’m married.

I hold Jackson’s hand while we all munch on fruit and berries and even some

of the meat from Jackson’s bag, chatting

lightly like a real reception that I catch


This is a real reception.

It’s the best one ever.

Then it’s time to leave the tuna can.

We pick up the objects we want to bring with us.

I check that the translator is still in my

pocket and that we have the empty gun.

I guess just even a metal thing is still useful.

We walk over to Alicia’s little stone grave.

There are fresh flowers there again.

Red flowers.

Eight of them.

Amelia quietly explains to Jackson what happened.

We stand there for a while and I wipe away some tears from my cheeks.

I wish she was here and I certainly wish she had tried to hijack the sauce.

And I certainly wish I hadn’t tried to hijack the saucer.

I’m sorry I think to myself.

Like I always do when I stand right here.

So sorry, Alicia.

Delia puts her hand lightly on my arm.

I know you still blame yourself for this.

She says softly right in my thoughts.

I keep seeing you look over at this grave and you take some crazy risks

because you feel guilty.

You know you’re the one who’s been placing

flowers here every morning but you didn’t

kill Alicia.

That was all them.

The aliens.

Not you.

Not even a little bit.

You can let it go.

The words have more weight because they come from her.

Delia rarely speaks but when she does it’s always a game changer.

She’s observant too.

I thought I was being super stealthy about the flowers.

Thank you I saw it wipe my tears.

The other girls agree in pat my back and shoulder.

Damn right.

And anything you probably saved us all from a much worse fate.

The plude a deep voice says Jackson is behind me pondering the grave.

It is known that they take women and kill them.

Use them for terrible things.

Our women went from the same way taken from us.

They deposited you here as a way to damage us and instigate confusion.

They would have done that anyway.

Nothing any of you did had any impact on that.

They are evil.

I feel his heavy hand on my shoulder and I reach up to squeeze it.

It doesn’t make me feel better that maybe getting us stranded here wasn’t my

fault after all.

It’s been a constant source of piercing guilt at the back of my mind.

It’s gotten me to do some brave or stupid things that I’m not sure I would

have done otherwise.

All right Delia says let’s go.

She starts walking in the direction where Jackson has said that there are

caves we can live in.

When after the other the girls take a last look at the tuna can and our

little colony and

then we walk after her with their meager possessions and of course fabric

bags on their shoulders.

I carry Jackson’s bag because he still wounded and I don’t think he is up

for much more than walking today.

He’s not pale anymore at least.

The girls are gone and we’re alone with the tuna can.

We’re newlyweds.

We need to deserve a couple minutes alone.

I look up him.

I look up at him.

How does it feel to be a husband?

He bends down to kiss me.

It feels like an end to the end of the beginning.

The old Jackson has become the new.

The world has changed.

It is better, brighter, full of promise but also harder.

That is the way it should be for a warrior.

But now life will be easier for Sophia, my wife.

I will see to it.

I go up on tiptoes to kiss him.

I don’t need to say anything.

I’m pretty sure he can see happiness in my face.

I look down at the translator.

It works much better than anyone ever would have thought.

If that super advanced chip inside has made

it much closer to actual AI than even its

maker suspected.

It’s pretty much taught itself, Jackson’s language all by itself.

If we were still back on earth, it would be total sensation and it would be

world famous.

So would Professor Wilkins probably, and maybe even I.

I don’t feel it.

It’s too distant, too unreal.

I almost feel like I never happened.

I’ve never gotten the other thing and I’ve got other things on my mind now.

I like the fact that the battery won’t last forever.

It’s kept us sensationally well so far, but it’s a crutch.

I have to learn his language now.

I’m supposed to be a linguist after all.

Well I do know a good few words already.

I flick the switch at the LED lights.

I place the translator back in its pocket and look up at Jackson.

I don’t think I’ll need that anymore.

He gets the meaning in nod seriously and he

takes me into his arms and sniff my hair.

Cratune Couté.

He growls into my ear, sending delighted

shivers down my spine and tingles in my girly


And I know those words.

I’ve practiced in secret with the translator.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and

smile happily as I squeeze my husband hard.

It’s my wedding day.

It’s going to be a good one whether this planet agrees or not.

I love you too.

We stand like that for a long time and

he takes my hand and we start walking.

I mean, solid ending to be honest.

There’s an epilogue which I think is just

going to lead on to like the next book.

It says, “Dear reader, thanks for reading my book.

If you want to get an email, you can sign up for her thing.

It’s free.

I’ll appreciate all reviews book good and bad.

I mean, overall, I’ve said my piece throughout this whole thing.

More books from Calista.

Fire planet Warriors captive.

Sci-Fi, BBW, Alien Fade of Mates, romance.


It’s a different series.

She has K-Man Aliens ransom, which I think there’s seven books.

Fire planet Warrior captive.

Harper Evans always wanted to go to space, abducted by creepy aliens and

then crash landed

on the planet that everyone just calls

Fire Planet, not what she had in mind.

Her only company is an insanely hot alien

barbarian warrior who doesn’t speak English.

I think I’ve read this book before.

A standalone sequel to Fire Planet, Fire Planet Warriors Passion.

Given to the alien, Olivia Cooper chose a bad time to become a space marine

and the newly formed Space Force.

This was before Space Force was the thing.

Maybe Donald Trump read this book.

Just when Earth had been badly defeated mankind’s first battle with

beautiful but extremely deadly ethereal aliens.

It sounds like she’s writing the same book over and over again with slightly

different alien

invaders baby, a standalone sequel given to the alien, Star Set, the Warrior


claim, the ship reached the hands of

blood, I’d acquisition her as an oblique.

She’s writing the same book over and over again just changing out some

elements, which is I guess.

Harlow Quinn Romance has a formula.

She’s actually just made up her own formula and is just following through.

Star Set, Alien Seed, intent on keeping the secret of the blood secure at

all costs, Prince

Keshe braves a ritual that is utterly

forbidden in the eyes of the Allied forces.

Falling in love with her was not part of the plan.

Gamma Raiders, Space Pirate Prince, Gamma Raiders Storm Squadron Alpha, can

a BBW pilot and a sexy alien warrior find love in the midst of war?

I bet they can.

Alpha’s Uncaged 2, Paranormal Shifter Romance

Box Set, 10 Hot Paranormal Shifter Romance.

Stories, I don’t know what a shifter is.

I’m assuming shifting between genders or something like that or persons.

This is a follow-up collection to the best-selling box set, Alpha’s Uncaged.

Oh, but this is like a group of authors.

My Alien Prince.

He’s a Prince of the Stars.

She’s an ordinary girl from Earth.

Can they be allowed to fall in love?


My Alien Prince claimed to buy the axe true.

The K-let’s claim.

God damn, this is endless.

Pursues by Alien Alpha, Fusion, Sci-Fi Alien Romance, Stars Apart, Stoweway.

When an extraterrestrial attacked on London

during her lunch break, Helen accidentally

beat aboard the board of the ship.

Seemingly emotionless Alien Prince, all she

wants to do is go home, however bound by

duty to return to his planet for his arranged marriage.

Prince Lenneck, heir to the throne of Arsiroth, would rather let her out

into open space than go all the way back to Earth.


The epilogue.

How many pages?

Oh, it’s a couple pages.

It’s the last I got her.

We walk away from Jaxon’s village.

The terrain is different and more hilly.

We pass clear streams.

I’m happy.

It’s the weirdest thing.

I’m surrounded by the Alien Planet.

Things aren’t looking that good for us.

He’s beyond everything I thought a man could be.

That’s my husband.

My brain has trouble processing it.

That’s my husband.

We keep walking in silence.

I realized that I accepted that a good while ago when I was stuck on my own.

So she’s going to be a forever.

It worked out so far.

That’s a good-eye state.

It’s a fertile area.

So this is home now.

I wipe sweat off my forehead.

Well, I won’t miss the tuna can or the dactyls or that dam river that we

couldn’t drink from.

Good riddance.

They all agree.

She says, her voice is a strange tremble to it.

If you look at the top of that mountain and you squint a little, does that

look like something else?

The sun is low behind the tree and I shield my eyes with one hand.

From this angle, a part of the mountain

near the top is rounded strangely symmetric.

Unnaturally so.

And its sharp edge seems perfectly circular.

There’s green vegetation all over it.

So I can see.

I can’t see any specific details, but the color is different than the rest

of the mountain below, lighter and somehow more even.

My hand flies unbidden to my mouth.

I’ve seen my share of Sci-Fi movies and then some.

I recognize a rocket engine nozzle when

I see one and I’m looking right at one now.

No, two.


Six at least.

There’s a whole cluster of giant rocket

engines pointing towards us from boon.

They’re totally overgrown and must have been here for eons, but they’re

still unmistakable and beyond them.

Oh my stars, it’s enormous.

We’ve been living right on top of it for

weeks without recognizing where what it is.

I swallow in my throat and suddenly gone dry.

Yeah, I say strongly to keep my voice from shaking.

That’s a spaceship.

Ah, good cliffhanger.

Setting up the next book that we’re going to go find a spaceship.

Adventures abound.

Want to know what happens next?

So I had talked with some friends and some people who listened to the

podcast and while I have enjoyed caveman’s alien ransom.

I noticed there were some dips in my enthusiasm as we got through all 15

episodes of this.

So I am not going to continue with the series and I don’t think I’m going to

do another whole book again.

This has been an interesting experiment, but I don’t think I can do like

dedicate another year to reading these books.

So I need to find other things to read.

So if you have anything that you would think would be interesting for me to

read, I’m going to thinking more like

articles, threads from Reddit, stuff like that.

Anything else that you would like me

to read and analyze and shit on probably.

I would appreciate it if you have suggestions

and I think we’re going to end there.

But thank you for coming with me on this

journey to an alien planet where we’ve learned

so much about ourselves and others and fucking plants.