music

The KFC Incident

I have my two domokuns.

I have my little Dark Souls guy.

I got my cross -stitch alien from the movie Alien.

Oh, I can see the shape of it.

Yeah.

That is one of my favorite things I own.

That’s fantastic.

Did you make it?

No, no, no.

I don’t have that talent.

One of our coworkers used to cross -stitch for fun,

and she made this for me for my birthday.

So it cost her the frame, which is probably just a piece,

but it’s so awesome.

Yeah.

No, it’s really good.

To have cross -stitch mixed with aliens is such a –

cross -stitch is like a mellow activity, and then there’s an alien.

Oh, awesome.

And it looks amazing, too.

It does.

You can tell the shape even from all the way over here.

My most expensive toy, probably this guy.

He’s from Dark Souls.

He worships the sun.

Anyone who plays Dark Souls probably knows this guy,

and this cost me a stupid amount of money.

Is that the get -good guy?

No.

So Dark Souls is a really –

like it is a dark fantasy,

so most of the people we meet are like really mopey and sad.

And he’s like, I’m trying to find the sun.

Let’s engage in jolly cooperation.

Oh.

So there’s a phrase called jolly cooperation,

and then you can call him –

if you save his life,

you can call him to help you with boss fights.

He helped me finish the first game,

which I was struggling with,

which I have deep, deep affection

because I put a lot of work into saving him.

And Dark Souls, as I hear,

because I’ve never played it,

is an extremely frustrating experience.

I think this is a demonstration of people’s patience.

So I don’t think Dark Souls is hard at all.

What it does is are you able to keep going?

So you can level up.

So you level up by killing stuff,

and you get their souls or whatever,

and then you level up.

So if I go fight a boss and it’s too hard,

I can go and just level up.

And most people aren’t patient enough to do that.

So you either have to be really good at the game,

which I don’t claim to be really good at anything,

or have the patience to go and kill stuff

and then come back when you’re overpowered

and you beat them really easily.

But I think people are so impatient

that they can’t do it.

So then they die a bunch of times,

and they’re like, I hate this game.

Okay.

But is that not every game?

I don’t.

This takes it up.

That’s formula.

Yeah.

It takes it to a higher level, though.

Like, I think most games,

like when you get to a boss,

you expect to be able to beat the boss,

which is not necessarily true,

because Dark Souls doesn’t necessarily have a linear path.

So you can get to a boss who’s way too hard for you,

and you have a choice.

You can try and try and try and try,

or you can go away and come back.

The first boss in every Dark Souls game

is too hard for you to beat,

and so it’s trying to teach you to run away.

And some people don’t learn that lesson,

so they don’t get past that first part.

That’s it,

because they’re applying the same approach

they have for different games to this one.

Video games, I think, teach you,

like, okay, you’re here.

You should be able to finish this.

Where Dark Souls is like, you’re here.

This guy’s way too hard.

Maybe you’ve got to go off and learn something

or do something and then come back.

This is a double -edged sword of open -world games,

I think,

because as much as I love the idea,

and I love claiming to say

I like to play open -world games,

I find them quite overwhelming.

I do do them,

but it kind of,

it puts a more,

rather than having an adventure

in this open world,

I consider it this area,

complete these,

this checklist I’ve created or found,

then the next area.

It doesn’t feel like an adventure to me.

Oh, it’s like work?

Yeah.

That’s how I felt a little bit

with the Breath of the Wild

and Tears of the Kingdom Zelda games,

which were open -world games.

I like open -world games

because I just mess around

and I end up doing

all the side missions first,

primarily by accident.

So I’ll come back to the main game.

There was Assassin’s Creed Odyssey.

I met this pirate

and she’s like,

can you get me this?

I’m like,

I already got it.

And she’s like,

can you get me this?

I already got it.

I finished like 12 quests

in about two minutes

because I just handed in all the stuff

because I’ve been around

to all the little islands

and done all the stuff

and just did not realize like,

oh,

I’ve just completed this game

and I’m way over -leveled.

So everything started getting really easy

when I played the actual game.

Oh,

I see.

This is,

yeah,

are you a bit of a completionist

when it comes to games?

I will open the map.

I will do any mission

that’s marked on the map.

But if it’s like,

you have to come here

at a certain time

and you miss this,

I won’t.

once I finish the main story,

I lose interest.

But if I do stuff

before the main story is finished,

I will do everything.

But I don’t care about trophies

and I don’t care about,

like I’ll look at the trophy list

and go like,

oh,

that seems fun.

I’ll try it.

But if it’s not fun,

as soon as I stop having fun,

I’m done.

It annoys me

if a side quest in a game

remains incomplete,

but I don’t really care about trophies.

I just see them as a bonus.

But with linear gameplay,

if the pacing of the game

is designed well,

you’ll get,

you know,

a satisfying amount of story

at each kind of interval

and the side bump

is kind of between that

spread nicely.

But you’re creating the pacing

in an open world game.

So I try to imagine

how much story I’ve got left

and how many side quests

should I do

before the next beat of the story

to give myself,

I don’t know,

a false linear style feeling

as I’m playing it.

But that’s a lot of mental effort

on my part.

So you’re trying to create

almost a linear game

out of an open world game then?

Exactly.

Okay.

Because I,

what’s your favourite game then?

Does it have to be a game

or a series?

Whatever.

It’s not school.

There’s no right answer.

You’re not.

But there is

a linear right answer.

There is a correct answer

to this question

you’re asking me.

I’d say the three

most fun series for me

are Pokemon,

Legend of Zelda

and the Tales of series.

Tales of?

Each game in the series

has a different

last word.

Tales of Sinfonia,

Tales of the Abyss,

Tales of…

Oh, okay.

I don’t think I’ve played

any of those.

Eternia.

They’re really,

really, really good.

Really long games.

RPGs.

Since I haven’t played them,

I can’t make any comments.

No.

I mean,

you can comment on the name.

My favourite is Tales of Sinfonia.

What does that mean though?

Like,

this is the problem

with a lot of the…

When you get into

ancient,

I don’t know,

like fantasy RPGs and stuff,

they start to use words

and I often don’t know

if it’s a real word

or I just don’t know that word.

And then I feel,

am I dumb

or have I not read enough?

So sometimes I see words,

I’m like,

I really just like to know

if that’s a real word

before I ask questions.

So,

symphony,

what is it?

Symfonia?

Yeah, symfonia.

Is that a word?

You’ve given this word

more thought in this 10 seconds

than I have

in the 20 years I’ve played it.

Like a symphony,

I imagine.

Well, yeah,

but that’s…

So,

symphony is implied

in the etymology

of the word,

but has that word…

Is that a…

Okay,

I gotta look it up.

I never heard

the actual word

symfonia.

I think it’s…

I imagine it’s a bit

like a Frankenstein word

created for the game.

Symfonia is Greek,

is a much -discussed word

applied different times

to bagpipe the drum.

Shut up.

What?

Greeks would not talk

about bagpipes.

In ancient Greek music,

same as Concord

or consonants

in medieval music,

a name applied

to several distinct

instruments such as

bagpipe,

hurdy -gurdy,

or virginal,

and then just says

same as symphony.

That’s made it

more confusing.

To be honest,

I wouldn’t say

there’s anything

to do with music

in the gameplay

or the story,

so I’m not quite sure

why it’s called symphony.

What’s a hurdy -gurdy?

I’ve heard that,

but I don’t know

what it is.

I was thinking

the same thing.

You know what a hurdy -gurdy is?

Hurdy -gurdy.

Okay,

you look up that.

We’re going to spend

the rest of the time

just looking up words.

It looks a little bit

like a cross between

a guitar and a violin

with accordion mixed in.

That’s just nonsense.

What am I looking at?

It has a crank.

What are you cranking

if you’re plucking

the strings?

I don’t know.

Are there any hurdy -gurdy

players out there?

So it must be

multiple things

happening at the same time,

like two instruments

in one.

Hmm.

Oh,

so what I’m looking,

the one I’m looking at now

has the crank,

strings,

and keys.

And then I got a picture

of this guy

playing the hurdy -gurdy

and he looks like

he’s having a heart attack.

Okay.

I don’t know.

I’m getting a lot of

medieval -looking

women in forests

holding a hurdy -gurdy.

That’s the vibe

I’m getting from

players.

This guy has hurdy -gurdied

himself out.

Oh my god.

Like,

why would you even

paint that poor man’s

face like that?

That’s awful.

I’m assuming

he’s probably singing

whilst playing.

The sound,

the only sound I imagine

coming from that mouth

is,

The mouth,

the mouth shape

isn’t pretty,

is it?

No.

It does look,

it does look pained.

If I can get the sounds

and maybe play some

hurdy -gurdy music

in the background.

Ooh.

I bet that’d be good

for D &D.

You know,

playing D &D

and having tavern music.

That might be what it is

because again,

but even that

usually is,

it’s like a couple guys.

It’s like a quartet

or something.

Because you have

the little drums.

They always have

like a nice little

gentle beat

in the background.

Yes.

It’ll have like a soft drum

and then it’ll be

like a little,

I always think of

mandolin?

Something like that?

Yeah.

Yeah,

sometimes maybe a little

flute or

little guitar

as well.

Alright,

just hold a second.

I’m going to get Dave.

He’s grumpy on the tape

on the bed.

He can sit on my lap

for a while.

And then he’ll get annoyed

from sitting on my lap.

Dave’s name.

Was it always Dave

or is it short for David?

Well,

I only,

because my kids,

we got a dog.

He obviously had a name

with his previous owner,

but we don’t know

who that was.

And then he was rescued.

And then,

so the rescue place,

they choose like

very Japanese names.

It’s like Muffin

or something

and popcorn

and stuff.

And all Japanese kids,

dogs,

animals names

are like food.

Like the most common name

for a cat

is Latte

or something.

It depends on their color.

But then my kids were like,

well,

we have to give him a name

because he’s part

of our family now.

And they were coming up

with really awful names

that I did not enjoy.

And I just looked at them

and I went Dave

and they were just like,

what?

And I was like,

well,

every Dave I know

is really nice.

And they were like,

oh,

because that’s a really

unique name.

It’s a Western name.

And they got really excited

about Dave.

And I was kind of

just threw it out.

I wasn’t 100 % serious,

but I was like,

we could use an English name.

And I’ve always liked

giving my dogs names

that were just

regular people names.

Which is exactly

what Dave is.

Everyone knows Dave.

Yeah.

Everyone has a Dave

in their life.

I’m not saying

they’re all good,

but most of the Daves

I’ve known

have been pretty cool.

They’re always good

at DIY.

Yeah.

No,

100%.

Yeah.

Let’s watch the footy.

There’s a really,

really old comedy

sketch show from Canada

called Kids in the Hall.

It was,

he sang a song.

He sang a song

about terriers

are my favorite breed.

And he sang a song

about all the Daves I know.

And so maybe

in my brain,

I just conflated

those two songs

into Daves

are all the dogs

I know.

These are the Daves

I know,

I know.

These are the Daves

I know.

David Hockner,

he works in my

dad’s store.

He’s worked

for 12 years.

He’ll probably

work here

four more.

Yeah.

All the dogs

you live with

are called Dave.

Yeah.

I rescued a beagle

that was just out

walking around.

So I picked him up

and then I called him

Ricardo Montalban.

And I had,

his actual full name

was Ricardo

Lamborghini Montalban

because I just liked

the way that sounds.

And then I took him

to the shelter

because I couldn’t

take him.

And they kept

that name.

Did they?

Yeah.

They were like,

okay,

well,

what’s his name?

I’m like,

well,

I don’t know his name

because I just found

him on the street.

He’s obviously like

actually someone’s dog.

So I’m hoping

the owner finds him

again.

But until then,

they wrote on the name

tag,

Ricardo Lamborghini

Montalban.

Crikey.

Yeah.

What inspired the name

to just get out of the car?

No,

I just looked at him

and he was like

a fat,

slow dog.

I was like,

yep,

Ricardo.

I like Spanish

sounding names.

Like in my book,

my book,

the main character

is called

Montana El Diablo,

which Montana is,

I love,

I think naming

your child

after a state

is very funny.

Like calling your kid

Paris or India

or a place.

Yeah.

Because then they,

can they go there

or not?

Like if you were

from Montana,

would you go to Montana

or would it be weird

if you’d never been

to Montana?

I think in this case,

Montana by the people

who live in Montana

is called Montana.

So being called Montana

sounds weird.

But if you,

if you are called,

I can’t think of a good example,

the people who live

in a city or a country

that don’t call it

the same name

as you call it.

Oh,

okay.

So if I was called

Germany

and I went to Germany,

it’s weird.

I don’t think that,

maybe that’s not so weird

because it’s called

Deutschland.

So it’s.

But everyone

in Deutschland

knows that other people

call it Germany.

So Japan,

Japan has Japan

and technically

it’s not Japan.

It should be Nihon

or Nippon.

The fact that there’s

three or four names

is already a bit much.

I can’t think of examples

where the,

the Western name

isn’t widespread

in that country.

Yeah.

We,

we’re,

the problem

you’re running into

is that.

Yeah.

Well,

the problem

you’re running into

is that English

is a very dominant

language in the world

right now.

So what we say

in English

is what people

are going to say.

Is there anything

you’re doing

for pride month?

I actually did

want to ask that

when you mentioned

pride month.

Do you do anything?

I don’t do anything

for pride month really.

Just be proud.

And just,

oh,

if I can muster it.

Every month

is pride month

for me.

arrogant sob.

Yeah.

No,

you should be proud

of one yourself.

You don’t have to be

effervescent or exuberant

to enjoy pride month.

I just don’t know.

I’m not avoiding it.

I just literally

don’t think about it

at all.

But it’s not to say

I’m not proud

of things I do

and places I go.

You seem weirdly

conflicted about it.

No,

no qualms.

It’s just,

it’s just not my thing.

I don’t really like

crowded places.

I’ve not really been to,

I’d planned to go to

Nottingham Pride

in England once before

with my friend.

But we got waylaid

at a pub.

And so we went

to Nottingham Pride

eventually.

But all the good stuff

had finished.

And actually it seemed

to be just fine.

And there was just

little markets

and clusters of people

rather than

big bustling events.

Because I just get

uncomfortable in

crowds like that anyway.

So maybe that’s why

I don’t do any events.

No,

I don’t.

Like,

if they had a

straight white man day,

well that would just be

like a race riot.

So,

the Proud Boys,

I don’t go to those.

Proud Boys.

Is that a real thing?

In America,

Proud Boys are essentially

like a racist group.

They claim to not be racist.

But they’re the ones,

they’re in the news.

They do marches

whenever there’s

immigrants and stuff.

It’s just,

they all look like

relatives of mine,

which.

Okay.

It’s a little off -putting.

Like,

I’m losing my hair,

so I keep thinking

I should just shave my head.

But I’m like,

man,

do I look like a Nazi.

Like,

I look like a fourth

white kind of guy

when I shave my head.

It’s not really

what I’m going for.

I think the beard

saves it though.

The beard helps a lot.

It does.

It’s,

it’s,

yeah.

If I shave my head

and shave my face,

I’m a poster boy

for those people.

I think you’d probably,

yeah,

that looks right.

But,

ah,

but you could counteract

that by getting a tattoo

of not something racist,

something not racist

on your head.

Where,

where would I put it?

So like on my forehead,

where am I putting this?

That’s it,

back of the head.

And what does it say?

Not racist?

It says,

not a Nazi,

not racist.

Actually,

I’m a very nice human being.

Oh,

so like a little disclaimer almost.

Fit it in.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

I have a big head.

I could probably put that much

on my head.

And I,

I am getting that,

like,

I’m losing my hair

on the top.

So I’m getting that ring.

So if I got it around the sides,

if I wanted to cover it up,

I still cover it up.

Hmm.

Which would be pretty nice.

My dad had one of those rings.

I think it,

it comes for all of us eventually.

Is this that part?

So,

um,

my brother went bold,

uh,

rather quickly,

uh,

in his twenties.

I think he started,

he was getting like the,

the,

the ring,

it’s a little circle shape

on the top of the head.

Oh yeah.

Of,

um,

of hair,

but this was receding here.

That kind of.

So I had a widow’s peak,

but the widow’s peak looked good for a long time.

So I actually was quite lucky

because it was receding in the,

the,

the two parts in the,

I don’t know.

So it was,

Oh God,

it’s awful.

No,

it was,

it started here and here,

but when I still had hair in the middle

and it wasn’t thin,

it looked pretty good.

Like I could do stuff with it,

but then it just,

you could,

I didn’t know I had a bald spot on the back of my head.

The day I discovered it was so sad.

I was on an elevator and it had a camera and a little screen.

And then it showed you like ads.

And then it switched to,

I was reading the ad and then it switched to the top of my head.

And I was like,

Oh fuck.

I didn’t,

I didn’t know about any of that.

Like,

I was like,

what’s all this nonsense in the back?

I thought I was okay.

And that was like,

I was like,

no,

I’m done.

Oh,

crikey.

Bless you.

I mean,

I personally don’t find anything problematic about a balding head at any stage of balding.

So you can be yourself around me.

I don’t care.

It’s a problem.

Losing my,

losing my hair.

What part of the LGBT,

I guess that’s just plus.

It’s B.

Bold bastard.

That’s B.

Bold bastard.

That’s LGBTQ+.

Yeah.

Losing my hair doesn’t bother me.

Losing my hair unevenly really pisses me off.

So like it,

I had a strip in the middle and then like one side was way less than the other side.

And I was like that just like lose it in older order.

Okay.

Like a Mexican wave of hair loss.

Or something.

Do it properly.

Don’t,

don’t like half my head is gone.

Asymmetry doesn’t look good with hair unless you’re doing it on purpose.

Yeah.

Because I wasn’t doing it on purpose.

It didn’t look good.

I suppose it’s maybe a similar problem to trying to grow a beard and it being patchy.

Yeah.

No,

I do.

Like I’m lucky that my beard is pretty full and regular.

It’s gorgeous.

Yeah.

Well,

I mean,

when it comes in right now,

I’ve switched.

I was using a beard oil and it wasn’t doing it.

My skin was getting really dry.

So I switched to beard balm.

B -A -L -M.

Balm.

B -A -L -M.

It’s balm.

It’s beard balm.

But I,

I don’t know why I’ve decided to make it really clear that it’s because I said,

my family English is their second language.

So I said beard balm and they were like,

you’re what?

And then,

cause they thought it was B -O -M -B.

Yeah.

So I had to go,

no,

balm.

But you can say it really quickly.

It’s beard balm.

And it’s a thick,

thick moisturizer.

It’s really gooey and you stick it on your face.

It’s more fun to play with right now than it is to actually apply.

So I’m,

I’m using it properly.

I hope.

Is it one of those things where it goes in and you’ve got to leave it and

wash it out later?

Or do you just.

I know it’s because basically I think it’s after you shower,

when your beard is wet,

you put it in and it locks in the moisture moisture.

And then it like moisturizes your skin.

Cause I,

I did get a lot of dry skin.

So I don’t want beard dandruff.

Oh,

that’d be awful.

Wouldn’t it?

Yes,

it is.

It’s terrible.

Where else can you get dandruff?

Uh,

anywhere.

I mean,

dandruff is just dry skin,

but it just gets stuck in your hair.

And then like the snows of Kilimanjaro happen.

So that’s,

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

So you could technically get pubic dandruff.

Yeah.

Anywhere you have hair.

But it,

like you say,

it’s going to be dry.

So exposure to air and not hidden under clothes and layers that that’s going to be the driest.

Yeah.

So maybe nudists get dandruff in their pubic hair.

They could.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

We should bring on a nudist.

Uh,

I do,

you know,

I don’t know any nudists.

We could,

we could start hunting for people with alternative lifestyles and then like interview them.

I’m okay with that.

Yeah.

Cause my understanding with this thing we’re doing right now is I can just add people to

this room,

like up to 30.

I know.

28 nudists.

Imagine that.

Okay.

So we’re doing this.

We have 28 nudists who are in the nude while talking to us.

Would you feel like you have to take off your shirt?

This is social pressure.

This is all social pressure.

Hmm.

I think I’d be fine with it nowadays.

Cause I’m used to going to the onsen and things.

I would take off my shirt if it made them more comfortable,

but I would be self -conscious about it for sure.

Okay.

I’d be tillated by it.

I have,

I have a disgusting nipples.

I have really pink nipples with just the hairs that grow around them.

So it looks like two octopus octopi.

Call back.

Yeah.

So I would be,

I would actually want to shave the hair around my nipples before I did.

So do you actually have exactly eight hairs per nipple?

No,

no.

It’s more of a,

an impressionist painting.

Okay.

Of an octopi.

than an actual,

like,

like a realistic hand drawing depiction of one.

Well,

since we spoke,

I had an event.

This is a quick change topic.

Okay.

I said something to my wife and I want to say the same thing to you and see how you interpret what I say,

because I think you’re going to interpret it correctly.

But she,

her interpretation of this made me feel bad about how she sees me as a human being.

So I went to Osaka for a couple of days and I stayed in a hotel.

You said,

Oh,

are you doing anything exciting?

And I said,

Oh,

I’m eating KFC in my underwear.

What do you imagine I was doing?

I imagine you wearing only underwear,

eating KFC.

Yes.

Which is the normal human thing.

And I was actually saying like,

I’m being kind of gross by sitting in my underwear and eating food.

That’s greasy.

But,

you know,

I’m on,

I’m essentially on my own for the first time in forever.

I think the vibe of that is like saying,

I’m like doing embarrassingly nothing with my time right now.

Yeah.

Literally just existing lolling around.

I’m in a Japanese business hotel,

which is a bed,

a TV and an incredibly small,

small desk.

I am going to be as lazy as humanly possible.

My wife interpreted this as I took Kentucky fried chicken and put it in my

underwear.

And I was eating it out of my underwear.

That’s what I thought.

She would think when you told me,

cause I had a quick.

Yeah.

But I don’t know what I’m hurt.

Like,

do you think I would do that is actually hurts me more.

The fact that you thought this was a thing I would do or could do really

bothers me.

Wait,

when she,

when she shared this understanding that she had a bit,

was she disgusted by it?

Was she just matter of fact about it?

What did you put the chicken in your underwear?

Which brings up a whole thing.

Like I’m wearing my underwear and I put chicken in it.

Did I take the underwear off and put the chicken in it?

I never got into that detail.

Cause it was too late by the time we were having the conversation,

but I was so focused on,

do you think I would put food in my underwear and then eat the underwear,

eat the food out of my underwear as a human being?

Like,

is that what you think of me as a person?

And it also says like,

what did you marry?

What,

what’s good.

I was deeply,

deeply hurt by this.

Maybe she thought she finally,

I can relate to you.

I’ve been doing this for years.

Yeah.

I finally found my match.

Yeah.

It’s something you could do together.

But she wasn’t,

she wasn’t,

she wasn’t making it seem like this was an appealing point of my character.

This was like,

Oh,

you’re so disgusted.

Yeah.

I know.

I’m just,

if she was surprised,

she saw me that way.

Well,

was she surprised about it?

Yes.

Well,

then she didn’t see you that way then.

But then when I said it,

Oh yeah.

I don’t know.

That makes sense.

That would be more insulting.

Well,

when I,

when I said it to her,

she didn’t sound like it was an unreasonable thing for me to do.

She was like,

of course you would do something that weird.

And I,

I don’t know.

I’m,

I’m a little,

this is,

this is taking me down a notch for sure.

Perhaps.

Thinking.

Of the most positive.

Um,

scenario here.

Perhaps she was.

Um,

postponing her shock.

Because she,

maybe she expected,

is this something cultural?

So if I show instant discuss,

it’s going to be very problematic and very,

you know,

offensive to you.

Maybe she was just coming at it with an understanding eye before.

And maybe express her surprise elsewhere.

You are being so kind.

And I appreciate that.

Because yeah,

I can’t,

I can’t get over it.

I I’m,

I’m so hurt.

I’m hurt that someone would think that I would do that.

Okay.

Do you know anyone in real life that you think would do that?

If you had to choose someone?

So what,

one of the things I really enjoyed it.

No,

I don’t.

Like if someone did it,

you would have to explain to me the appeal.

So there’s,

there’s a thing like in university,

I did a lot of psychology,

which I really enjoyed.

And it was a big thing for me was like,

okay,

there’s fetishes I understand.

And there’s fetishes I don’t understand.

And then how do you get into a point where there’s a fetish?

I just don’t get like,

there’s people who are into,

you know,

doms and subs and stuff.

And I’m like,

I kind of get it.

Maybe I’m not into it,

but I would get it.

There’s people into like doing things to other people.

Maybe I don’t want to do it,

but I understand it.

Then there’s like,

I’m going to lay down and have someone shit on my chest.

I don’t even get that.

Like,

like I don’t get what the appeal is.

Like that’s a level of humiliation beyond just sub and dom stuff.

Honestly,

on both sides,

I don’t,

wouldn’t get anything from shitting on someone.

And I absolutely would not appreciate someone shitting on me.

Yeah.

That’s,

that’s a tough one to,

to get if you just not already getting it.

No,

but that’s it.

And I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing to do,

or you shouldn’t do it.

I’m thinking if it’s two consensual adults,

just shit on each other all you want,

please have a room prepared in advance.

But I don’t get it.

And so to me,

eating fried chicken out of your underwear,

I don’t even get where that would come from.

I mean,

actually takes me to your point where maybe there’s something in her,

where she’s actually like,

oh,

this makes sense to me.

Shitting on someone.

It’s,

I don’t know.

I think,

I guess maybe some,

some people have the fetish of kind of being reduced completely to not even a

person,

just something like some have like a humiliation thing where they don’t want to be

seen as a human anymore.

They want to be seen as some,

I don’t know,

object just,

just to be used and abused as,

and I get,

well,

I don’t know if I get it,

but I’m not,

I’m not big into it.

Like you say,

anyone who can do anything you want,

as long as they’re enjoying it and not on anyone.

Then maybe it comes from that.

Okay.

So the most extreme case of this was,

I think it was a German dude.

It might’ve been Japanese,

but they met online and they agreed that the man,

a was going to murder man B and then eat him.

Oh,

it’s nice.

And that’s two consultant consenting adults.

Yeah.

Part of me is like,

that’s wrong.

Cause it’s murder and stuff.

But then part of me is like,

they,

if they,

if they’re both down to it,

well,

cause he has to kill the other person.

So that is,

that is technically murder.

Is it not technically euthanasia?

If the person’s asking for it?

No.

Cause euthanasia,

I don’t know.

Oh,

now we’re gonna have to look up euthanasia.

I think euthanasia is like,

you’re putting someone on essentially out of their misery or cause they’re

sick.

No,

no euthanasia is just killing another person,

but I don’t know.

Is that,

do you agree?

I think I’ve not looked it up for a while.

I’m looking it up right now.

Yeah.

I would just say a consensual someone killing you.

Okay.

Medical practice of intentionally ending a life in order to relieve pain and

suffering.

So that’s why I connected it immediately with being sick.

So I have terminal cancer.

I’m not going to survive.

I’m in a lot of pain.

Euthanasia is essentially putting me out of my misery.

Not the,

the dead dying part is secondary to what you’re doing is actually helping me

relieve pain.

Drugs won’t do it anymore.

Yeah.

That’s the typical view of it,

isn’t it?

But what is sick?

We don’t know this person who wanted to be eaten.

Maybe there was a different kind of sickness.

Well,

there’s emotional pain because in Canada,

you can have medically assisted suicide.

Uh,

or they call it medically assisted death.

And it basically,

my father did this.

Uh,

he just wasn’t going to get better.

You basically agree.

They just jack you up on drugs.

They actually had him out.

This is such a nice way to die.

They had him out on like a terrace on a nice day.

And they had some friends come over and they’re like,

Oh,

he liked guitar.

Why don’t you come out and play some of his favorite songs?

They jacked him up on drugs.

He’s feeling really,

really good.

And then went to sleep.

And that’s amazing.

It is like,

if you’re going to choose,

I was like,

everything about that sounded awesome.

And so I talked to him in the morning before he did this.

I couldn’t be there,

but it was like,

I actually was like,

I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing.

Cause this is scary,

but it’s,

you know,

you’ve,

you’ve chosen how to do this.

That’s really cool.

Mental.

Yeah.

To be like,

I’m going to do it.

And because it’s in Canada and it’s part of the vaccine,

like doctors and stuff,

they go through like months of counseling leading up to it and make sure

everyone’s okay with it.

Like,

you can’t just like,

I want to do it.

I think Sweden or something has something similar,

but they’re like,

Oh,

you can do it if you’re depressed.

And that’s a lot.

You might,

the problem is like,

you could come out of depression.

I’m not going to say more easily than being sick,

but like terminals disease,

you’re not getting better.

Like that’s guaranteed.

It’s hard to quantify the difficulty of depression.

against different,

more physical diseases.

It’s difficult.

I think because me,

there’s something that’s mental.

There’s always a hope you could get better,

which is why I would have a lot of trouble agreeing to it as a third party.

Ethically speaking.

And I don’t have a question.

I don’t have an answer for this question either.

But if somebody was depressed and they would,

and they wanted to take this option of medically assisted death,

is it right for other people who aren’t in the brain of this person to have a

say in that?

Well,

it’s so the way I actually had to participate in some of the counseling,

because they wanted to make sure that I,

and the first thing is they want to make sure that no one’s influencing the

person.

That’s actually number one.

So it’s not me pushing for this other person to actually go through with this

process.

So they have counseling with individuals and then the family is a group and

stuff.

So I did a couple of those,

but me being so far away,

I wasn’t having a particularly positive or negative effect on it,

I think.

So I wasn’t a big concern,

but it was,

yeah,

they were just trying to make sure that like no one was pushing it.

And then it was like,

okay,

do you understand this is real?

Like you’re going to do this.

And it’s not like something you can back out of once you’ve like,

once they’ve put the needle in the thing,

you can’t stop.

So that’s another thing you have to be really aware of.

You can’t like change your mind at the last minute.

But they keep trying,

they almost try to get you to stop.

So like to really just to make sure that you know what you’re doing.

No,

I imagine that.

Yeah.

Cause if that’s,

if,

if the desire for it goes through all the resistance and all the things that

could dissuade them,

yeah.

Then perhaps it’s more likely that it’s the best thing for them.

Like in my dad’s situation,

it was like,

I am so uncomfortable.

I basically don’t sleep anymore.

Like I sleep,

I wake up,

I sleep.

So I’m just tired all the time.

My essentially poor wife,

she has to live with this.

It’s not really fair to her anymore.

Cause I can’t help her in any way.

She has to just take care of me.

Her at this time,

like retirement age,

this isn’t how she should be spending her time.

So like he was being considerate of himself and other people.

So like,

I’m uncomfortable.

Everyone else is uncomfortable.

It just sucks for everybody.

Yeah.

So like,

yeah,

it was,

it was an interesting process to go through.

Interesting.

I’m sure it was.

About it.

Yeah,

I’m sure it was.

It’s,

it’s fascinating.

Yeah.

And that came from chicken in the underwear.

So it did.

That is a,

what a jump.

Against the Steven

So this is the last podcast I will be releasing this year. CMCB has been going for about a year now, it's about a year and a bit, where this is episode 59 or 60, so 52 weeks in the year, I probably started a year and a couple months ago, as I transitioned over from the old podcast, Velocid Podcast. If you listened to that, and you listened to this, if you transitioned with me from Velocid Podcast to CMCB, first of all, thank you. Thank you for hanging out for a year, thank you for listening to all this old stuff, thank you for just listening to me diatribe about some of the dumbest shit in the universe. 

But you may have noticed, if you've been around for any length of time, that every year or so, I fall into a deep spiral of Steven Seagal. Now this happened on the last episode of Ninja News Japan, where I found that there was a Steven Seagal song I had not heard before. So I was listening to a podcast called Behind the Bastards, it's a very good podcast, they look at awful people, and then just go through their lives, and they don't even get particularly critical about how or why they might be awful people, and this is to acknowledge that sometimes they've had shitty lives, sometimes they haven't. 

They did a two-part episode, two hours on Steven Seagal, and I was wondering primarily, is there anything I haven't heard that might make me hate Steven Seagal more? And there wasn't. All the rumors and news and all the things he's done, I actually had heard them all before. I decided I know everything about Steven Seagal's life, really, all the stuff that matters, and I heard this song, and the song's awful, it's just terrible, it's like the worst thing ever, and I thought, you know what, I need to wrap up my obsession with Steven Seagal. I need to not have this part of my life anymore. So I thought for the last episode of CMigbee for 2022, the last full year I've done this podcast, it would be good, let's look at this song by Steven Seagal and then never speak of him again. 

Now, this might be hard. If some news comes out where Steven Seagal does another awful thing or is just particularly stupid or bad, I may be drawn back in. It's not a resolution, I don't really believe in resolutions, but I've decided it's worth trying to move on, and maybe I can hate someone else, maybe I find a new person that I can dislike just as much, if not more, because isn't that what dreams are about, are exceeding expectations, trying to strive and achieve new things more and better, hating people more thoroughly than I hate Steven Seagal? Is it even possible? There's only one way we'll ever know, and that's if we try. So I'm going to try to essentially wrap up my hate of Steven Seagal in a nice little package, put it in the emotional incinerator of my heart, burn it up so there's nothing left but ash, because quite frankly, fuck you Steven Seagal. 

The song I'm going to be talking about is called Strut, and it is a reggae song. Now you might be thinking, oh, Steven Seagal's band, do they do reggae? Well, they do whatever he thinks needs to be done, I think. Dave's up in the background too. Woo! Look at that, look at that beast. So Steven Seagal, I would say, is not of the reggae delineation, denomination, I don't know what to say. It's not sort of his genre. His band is a blues band. Now they are, I would say, in general, talented people. They're there for the paycheck. They're getting paid to do what Steven Seagal wants to be done to make him happy so he will give them more money. This song, Strut, is in a collaboration with a reggae artist called Lady Salt. Now I didn't look too deep into her background, but I just knew without looking at anything, she's there for the paycheck. 

I'm sure reggae is a valid artistic format, but it's only going to make you so much money. So if a guy like Steven Seagal comes along and he says, I'll give you X amount of hundreds of thousands of dollars to do this song with me and pretend you like me, it would be worth taking the money because it's not going to diminish your value as an artist. I think everyone's going to understand what happened and why. And we should all be just taking Steven Seagal's money, if possible, anyways. So if you ever get a chance in the rest of your life, from this point onwards, to take some of Steven Seagal's money, you should take Steven Seagal's money. So I'm going to throw the lyrics up on the screen. This is from a karaoke version of the song. Now what I noticed immediately is that Lady Salt has an introduction section, which I honestly have a little bit of trouble understanding word for word. 

It doesn't actually write out the lyrics until Steven Seagal comes in and they do a little sort of duet back and forth about how much they're infatuated with each other's very specific parts, maybe is the way I would want to say it. So as a thank you to everyone for hanging out, for staying with me for another year of podcasting joy, I'm going to play for you the intro of Steven Seagal's Strut. And then when we get into the lyrics, I'll stop and we'll do a little mini analysis of each part. What I... Yeah, I mean I can't... I don't want to preamble too much. Let's just get into it. So, immediately, you'll notice that Lady Salt has immediately thrown to Mr. Steven Seagal. I shouldn't do the accent too much. That's sort of one of the colonial issues that comes with being as fair complexioned as I am. But it's hard not to because Lady Salt, she's got that really strong accent. It's really attractive in its own way. And you want to kind of join in. This is one of the problems of being a white person appropriating culture. Now, you could say I'm doing that by accident, but let's be really clear. 

Steven Seagal's about to come in and sing. And do you think he's singing in his blues white guy voice? His white guy voice is also copying some cultural appropriation there. No, he's not. So the lyrics here become amazing. And so that's why I can't... Again, you can see I'm barely contained here. I'm so excited about the rest of this song. Okay. So I like that there was a little back and forth. There's a little call and response. She speaks, he speaks, she speaks, he speaks in the very last line. They do it together. That's nice. They do it together as sort of a combination of talents. You will also notice that every time he sings, it's like he's trying to make sounds that are song-like, but I would say not actually. But it is hard to hear. Steven Seagal's normal speaking voice is pretty poor. His singing voice isn't much better. So I'm going to speak the lyrics to strut for you. And then we can maybe... If there's nothing to analyze, what am I talking about? Anyway, it starts out with, girl, what you really want all night. And she replies, me want the buddy. Now, buddy was a new term for me. So at first I was like, not 100% sure what that meant, but I kind of already knew what that meant. Make me feel nice. 

Boy, what you really want all night. It's good that they're checking with each other. This is sort of a consensual relationship, which Steven Seagal does not do. Let's just be really clear about that. Steven Seagal has multiple sexual abuse cases, accusations. He also has human trafficking, where he kidnapped a woman. He said, come be my personal assistant, locked her in a room, and tried to keep her as a sex slave. When that case came to time to be prosecuted, he left. He left that state, and then afterwards he left the country. I think he lives in Russia now. I know he has a Russian passport. But at least in the song, it's consensual. Probably because he couldn't get Lady Saw to do on a song that's non-consensual the way he thinks it should actually be done. Me want the punani. See for make nice. She want the buddy. Him want the punani. And me know it nice. I was wondering if Steven Seagal had written those lyrics. I always imagine with songs that I dislike or I think are stupid, the person sitting down and actually writing out the lyrics themselves is Steven Seagal in his author's den with a roaring fire and maybe a glass of brandy. Writing out the lyrics to me want the punani, see for make nice, she want the buddy, him want the punani. 

Now my suspicion is that maybe he didn't actually write this. It's because, as I said myself, I've never heard the term buddy used for the male appendage. So that makes me think Steven Seagal probably doesn't know it either. I just assume Steven Seagal is less culturally aware than I am despite him having traveled around the world a lot more than me. So I think this was either ghost written or Lady Salt had some input about the words that would be more natural for this style of reggae. Let's continue on in the adventure that is Strut. When I hit this part I was confused. There's a little bit of verbal Aikido going on there. He's not only an Aikido master physically, he's also an Aikido master of words. So let me just show you what happened when the girls start to strut. That's pretty straightforward. You could look at her, but you shouldn't do that. What we're missing here is a comma. We have to interpret what's going on. You could look at her, but you shouldn't do that if you put a comma after her. You could look at her, but you shouldn't do that. 

Or he did the verbal Aikido and blend that into one sentence. You should look at her, but you shouldn't do that. It leaves the listener going, oh, I thought it was going one way, then it went another, and that's what Aikido's all about. Think about just that because her clothes are just as pretty. That sentence barely makes sense to me. They're not just to cover her kitty. So don't look at the physical woman herself. Just enjoy the clothing she's put on. She's a beautiful woman. I think that's the message we're trying to get across here. Those are not just to cover her kitty in this case. 

Okay, there's a little bit more. So the lady saw has a bit of a breakdown. Then we get back to Steven Seagal's lyrics, which are painful at this point. Girl, what you really want all night, me want the buddy. That's a repetition of the line. Make me feel nice. Boy, what you really want all night, me want the punani. See for a make nice. Baby the way you walk is so hot. I don't think that's what he says in the song. It's what's in the lyrics, but I don't think it's what's in the song. Then there's actually a typo in this, I believe, because it says, baby the way you waik is so hot. I'm not sure, it's just a typo, it's supposed to be walk. Let's have a shot of rum. Let's get you good and drunk because it's the only way this is going to work out. Then I can make you come with me to the ocean. So you see another bit of that verbal Aikido gets thrown in there. You can't, he is the master of all these things. I can make you come, that's a very sexual thing, with me to the ocean. It's not sexual at all. 

My mind is blown by the depth that Steven Seagal takes. I could not have written a line so good. There is the same trick done by a Canadian boy band that never got popular called, I think it's 3B or something, it's 3 Boys. The line they have is, make you come over to my house. That pause really makes it work. He pulled the same thing here. A group of manufactured teens who are making terrible pop music and Steven Seagal working on the same level. That would be phat, P-H-A-T. I think again, I don't think Steven Seagal wrote that line. You could be my bow cat. Again, I don't know that slang. Nice ittle breeze, bring you to your knees. We are jammin'. There's more to the song. It's halfway through but they just repeat. There's another breakdown by Lady SSAW. I'll just play it a little bit more but I'll probably cut this part out. Say my name's Steve, tell me all that. Lady SSAW's working hard for her money and she's earning it and she's awesome. This is the thing, even if you have zero talent, you can't surround yourself with talented people if you have enough money. 

You'll notice I'm in this room alone, not because I don't have friends who are talented but I have no money to pay anybody for anything. But regardless, I'm not going to play the rest of the song. Again, it just repeats about the vague sexual innuendos and it does the same thing. You can see the talent there. The good part of the song is Lady SSAW and Steven Seagal comes in and mumbles his way through as he does with every movie he's made in the last 15, 20 years. I think the fact that I will never speak of him again will be good for me. It'll be good for society. Maybe it's time to move on and maybe I can find someone new to obsess over about how they don't deserve any of their fame or fortune. I do always wonder, I have a little black spot in my heart that makes me go, am I jealous of Steven Seagal? Because I don't think it's jealousy. I think the problem is his fame is undeserved in his movies. Any accolades he got, he only had two mediocre films at the peak of his career. 

Again, all undeserved. Anyone who thinks he's good at anything, that's undeserved. Then maybe I am jealous because I feel like I didn't get my chance to make shitty action movies, which I absolutely would have loved to do. We need a palate cleanser. I can't leave you like that. It's the end of the year and you've just heard half of one of the worst songs ever written by one of the worst men who's ever existed. We can't end like that. We need to find joy. I recently watched a film called Miami Connection. It is considered one of the worst films ever made, but it has a spirit that makes people like it because I watched it with two coworkers, two friends, and we all really enjoyed what we were seeing. Now, it is about a band in Miami and they get a gig working, I assume regularly, at this bar. 

Now, the band is focused on music and taekwondo, which is a very specific set of interests. Clearly, this is a vanity project. The relationship link between these two things, Steven Seagal's music career, vanity project, and this movie, also a vanity project. One, awful. Every aspect of it is disgusting and gross. The other one, despite it not being very good, the sincerity comes through and you end up kind of liking it anyways, which is what I love. It's even more so for the music. The person who wrote the song, who wrote the musics, the songs, I got to get my plurals right, the person who wrote the songs, the music for the movie, did an amazing job. They are actually very talented. They write good. It's a very 80s product. It was made in the 80s, but for the 80s, this is like peak music and it's stupid, but enjoyable, and the music's catchy and it sticks in your head and you're going to be thinking about this song called Against the Ninja for a very long time from the film Miami Connection. 

I'm going to have to stop for a second. I was supposed to stop a little earlier, but I actually got a little excited about this song. Let's hit the lyrics for this one. Let me point out, in the movie, it's opened with a ninja group attacking what is a drug deal. One of the realizations I had is you can almost judge the quality of the film by how well their fake drugs are packed within the film. Like a high quality film, they'll have those bricks that are doubled, triple taped, and they have to cut it open with a knife and then maybe the policeman who finds it, he tastes it and goes, that's good cocaine. Then other ones, the lower tier, they'll have Ziploc bags that are full. Lower tier beneath that would be a Ziploc bag that's only half full. 

There is one point in Miami Connection where there's just a pile of cocaine sitting on top of a table, which would of course blow away because they're outside. That again gives you a sense of the quality of the film we're talking about. The ninjas come in, they attack all the people doing the drug deal, which made me think that the ninjas were the good guys, but then they just stole the cocaine and went off on their own. This is reiterated in the song. The band is singing this song. It's kind of our introduction to the band Dragon Sound. The problem I have with this song is that at this point in the film, they are not introduced to any ninjas. To sit down and write a song about ninjas, not necessarily knowing ninjas exist, is already a really weird thing to do, but then to make your chorus, Tai Kwan, Tai Kwan, Tai Kwan, Tai Kwan, is just a level above. 

This guy sat down, he wrote down Tai Kwan four times. As you can see in that song, it kind of works. This song, in its own way, kind of slaps. It's really hard to argue. I would love to see some modern artist remix this into a new song, take elements of this and make it into a modern version of Against the Ninja that would have some bass in it, some dubstep, but that's already 15 years old. That's how old I am. I was watching a video the other day and they were making fun of dubstep. That's actually probably why it's in my head. They were talking about an old video game and if you like dubstep in what I assume like 2005 to 2010, it would be in this game. Anyways, let's analyze the lyrics. Against the ninja, we will fight the battle to win, which is always a good idea. You don't want to fight it to lose. Against the ninja, we will fight to battle the sin, which I found a very interesting lyric because the inherent necessity of including sin is sort of implicitly implying that the ninjas are just evil from within. Then we get to the chorus, taekwon, taekwon, taekwon, taekwon. 

Now, you know there's not a little bit of satisfaction there. Trust me, that's coming soon. I'm going to actually rewind this just a touch so we can get that next part. Okay, om doors my god. Okay. Oh my God, I'm worked up. I honestly am. It is just so much fun as a song, but let's hit it. So there's fire in their eyes. This is the ninjas. There's fire in their eyes. There's no mercy in their hearts. These are not people who are going to give in or be kind to you. They tell their dirty lies to finish what they start. This movie has designed a very specific kind of ninja, and it's just an evil organization. Evil is their drive. Hell-possessing souls. Again, very connect that to the sin from earlier on, and you're starting to see an interesting trend where these ninjas are being compared directly to Satan or demons. War keeps them alive, fulfilling twisted goals. The twisted goals in this film initially was to steal cocaine, and then secondary, to beat up a band that took place of another band in their sort of their regular gig. We will stop the senseless killing. We will end this evil war. We will stop the senseless killing. We'll even out the score. 

Now, again, they didn't make it clear that they knew ninja existed at all. So there is one point later in the film, which was quite funny because the ninja just roll up on motorcycles, because there's nothing more stealth than motorcycles. They stop the car and then they just say, ninjas. And that tiny moment, that single word of exposition made it clear because this song had set up what the ninjas were in this Miami connection universe. But we're getting onto the next chorus where you get a lot more satisfaction. So let's hit that. Against the ninja, we will fight the battle to win. Against the ninja, we will fight to battle the sin. We strive for worldly needs to stop the vicious fight. Our sanity would cease. Taekwondo is our way of life. We will stop the senseless killing. We will end this evil war. We will stop the senseless killing. We'll even out the score. 

Okay, that was a lot because we got the chorus again, but I couldn't stop the chorus. And it blends into the next set of lines very well. So against the ninja, we will fight the battle to win. Against the ninja, we will fight to battle the sin. So that's just a repetition of earlier. We strive for worldly peace. Excellent. To stop the vicious night. Hostility would cease. Taekwondo is our way of life. And something I learned from the movie Miami Connection, that Taekwondo is here and here. It's in our hearts. We will stop the senseless killing. We will end this evil war. We will stop the senseless killing. We'll even out the score. Then we hit the chorus again. Then we hit the refrain again. But I got to let it go for the rest because for the duration, there is one part that is super important that I'm not going to ruin for you. 

So let's just... I'm going to sing along a little bit. If you're at home, you've got all the lyrics now. You can sing along too. And I think if you're in your car, sing as loud as you want. Just really get that Taekwondo spirit out there. Against the Ninja, we will fight the battle to win. Against the Ninja, we will fight to battle the sin. Against the Ninja. Against the Ninja. Against the Ninja. Against the Ninja. Taekwondo, Taekwondo. Taekwondo, Taekwondo. Taekwondo, Taekwondo. Taekwondo. And this is the part I really didn't want to end it. The guitar solo. You cannot have an A-Solo without a guitar solo. We will end this evil war. We will stop the senseless killing. We're leaving not the score. Against the Ninja, we will fight the battle to win. Against the Ninja, we will fight to battle the sin. Against the Ninja. Against the Ninja. 

Like every great 80's song, it just ends. They're just like... And then we're done. We're all exhausted now. By looking into the writer of the music, because all the songs are good. Like that song is good. It's just weird that it's about Taekwondo. But all the songs are good. And we looked into the guy who wrote the songs and did perform the songs. I think he played every instrument on them. The band is up there as all the Taekwondo friends. Also ironic, I don't know why I forgot, but they're also all orphans. Just to make it that much more cartoony in what they're actually saying. But he went on to write a whole bunch of Christian music. So the interplay of the religious sort of iconography, the imagery, the religious imagery in this song against the Ninja is not accidental. This is how this guy thinks. Like he thinks in good and bad, God and the devil, Taekwondo and ninjas. And yet it still works. 

You can actually take this exact song, swap out Taekwondo for Jesus, and the ninjas for the devil, and it would just work exactly the same. You now got a Christian hit. Which I think that's how that guy made his career for the rest of his life. And good on him, because that song is awesome. And it has completely erased the concept of what I was speaking about earlier. Because now we've hit that point where I will never say his name again. I will never speak of him again. He is essentially a ninja. And we are against the ninja, and they are gone. And I know one thing going into the new year, and I think you know it too now, deep down in your heart, Taekwon, Taekwon, Taekwon, Taekwon, Taekwondo. So that is our end of year edition. Hopefully we will get another episode out next week. It will be a new year. We are starting fresh. I hope you had a good Christmas, if you celebrate Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. I hope you have a good new year. Take care of yourself. Take care of other people around you. And just remember, Taekwon, Taekwon, Taekwondo.

Bikini Sports Dick

An analysis of the lyrics to Bikini Sports Dick and a post on Japanese TV

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Here’s the video

https://vimeo.com/411825956