velocipeter

The Great Emu War

it’s that exciting, I’ve got my medical checkup

I’ve got mine coming up

every year they call me obese

do they?

every year, they say you have metabolic syndrome

and you are fat

right

it’s a nice little full stop on that

I mean

because they do your height and weight

and I am very heavy for my height

and I have fat, I’m not saying I’m

you know, Olympic swimmer

body, but

I’m not fat

it hurts my feelings

every year

you should

I don’t know what you can do about that

can you hit them

when they say

oh no, no

you’re very close

so there was one year

there was this old doctor

he was like in his 70s or 80s

and he was just like this little shriveled man

and he

looked at the chart

and said you’re fat

and I was looking at him going like

I could crush you with one hand right now

don’t

don’t push the limits here sir

exactly

he was talking to a

to a fighting master

well he was talking to a piece of paper

was the problem

he wasn’t looking at the Adonis before him

yeah

did you whip it out and say

Adonis

Adonis was not very impressive

if we’re being honest

all the statues had little tiny peepees

I heard that

I heard off the internet

that

in ancient Rome

during the time

where they were making

all these statues and whatnot

that

a small penis

was a sign of

high intelligence

yeah

because you were

you didn’t have those

basic urges

ruling your life

yeah

like some caveman

I’ve got a breed

with my huge

enormous penis

with my giant dog

my hog

you lie down

I bang

like big

caveman -y

stuff

that’s

if you do have

a little tiny penis

then you might

be very

I am a grower

not a shower

so maybe I have both

and then I do take ice baths

quite regularly

so when I take an ice bath

it is minuscule

yeah

ladybug

yeah

actually

it makes sense

because at that moment

when I’m in the ice bath

when you were maneuvering

I thought you were literally

going to start

but actually

let me show you

what I’m talking about

all right

now we’re talking

we’re gonna have to

that’s a patreon only episode

we’re gonna have to get paid

a lot more

before that happens

absolutely

Tommy

who we talked to before

has on multiple occasions

tried to get me to show him

my penis

and I

but we took a bath together

we went to a hot spring together

so he’s actually seen it

so I guess it’s not that exciting anymore

I do think that um

the onsen

it’s a weird one

I went

I had a first date with somebody

at an onsen

which I thought

what a wild

choice to

to make

for a first date

but actually

being naked

in the hot spring

completely different

to just being naked

it’s non -sexual

yeah

and it doesn’t feel like

you’re

oh I’m naked

it just feels like a uniform

the uniform here is no clothes

yeah

so that’s what we’re wearing

so it doesn’t

I didn’t feel naked

going in there

and I didn’t feel like

anyone else was

obviously people are naked

and you can see everything

whatever

but you’re not looking

you’re not concentrating

everything

I can see everything

literally

everything

yeah

there was a lot of

intelligent people

in that onsen

but like

so what I’m taking

an ice bath

my point is

my penis is incredibly small

because it’s

it’s basically

protruded into my body

but at that point

I have zero sexual thoughts

and I would

sort of

hitting

peak

mental acuity

whereas

in other instances

where

we’re

we’re growing

and not showing

I would be having

the more

base thoughts

I would not be having

my philosophical thoughts

so there’s probably

some truth in it

maybe it works

yeah

how hard are you right now

I’m pretty tired

there’s not much going on

not much going on

at all

to be honest

I don’t even have a chubby

fair enough

well

about some riveting conversation

then

which is

the point

intellectual chubbies

are coming

can I say though

the word chub

for

you know

a little bit

activated

I think that’s

horrible

I hate that word

really

I think it’s really cute

because it’s

it’s

it’s like

the thing is

what I’m about to say

is like

it’s like a

baby’s arm

it’s

it’s chubby

and cute

and then

I suddenly felt like

well that’s wrong

you don’t want to

connect babies

and

half

what would you say

then

half mast

were it

I don’t know

what I’d say

I’d say

I really don’t know

I’m searching

through my

regular vocab

and I don’t know

what I say

for that situation

I definitely don’t say

half chub

because I’ve heard that

and though it makes me laugh

I can’t

I also can’t stand it

I think I would only

yeah you can only say that

if you’re joking though

you can’t

you can’t say anything

with chub in it

and be serious

you can’t be taken seriously

like if

you’re at the United Nations

giving an address

and you use the word chub

in any context

it’s not

no one’s taking you seriously anymore

it’s just one of those words

it is

it just doesn’t sound

serious does it

I had an article

let me see if I can pull it up

really quickly

because I think I saved it

and it’s

names British people have

for their penises

oh yeah

this has become a very

penis

focused podcast

we didn’t waste any time

yeah

I don’t

no no

I meant like in general

we don’t

we just go straight there

which is not a bad thing

just so people know

what they’re getting

but if people

is that what people want

it should be

should we

should we change that

I will

I mean we have to do it

for a while and see

okay

and then if people want more

we can certainly give more

but we have been doing it for a while

it’s been every

every single

time

I guess I can’t help it

I can’t help it

mm -hmm

okay

these are the most common nicknames

British men have for their peni

okay

so I

you’re a British man

yeah

do you have a nickname for your

your member

for your member of parliament

I call mine Peter

I’m joking

no but like

that is

that is not an unusual thing

and so having the name Peter

that came up multiple times

when I was a little kid

actually

Peter

is close to penis

so close

your name is

like next door to the word penis

I am penis adjacent

at all times

and

and uh

yeah so I think

any

any name that could be

chosen

I think penis is a good one

but

there’s a few that can rattle off

there’s um

obviously

knob

cock

tallywacker

pecker

tallywacker

there’s um

the picturesque ones

stick and two berries

and whatnot

these are

these are like

if you were going to refer to your own penis

what would you say

so wait

well okay

let me give you the intro

the habit

so this is giving a name to your own penis

was most common in the northwest

where 86 % of people

men

said they had one

in lower Scotland

Northern Ireland

and Wales

the number hovered around 72 to 73 %

where

and they all had sort of regional variations

hmm

so where

I don’t want to give away your

your

too much information

but we

are you north

I don’t know

Midlands

okay

yeah

right in the center of England

okay

so you’re

the everyman

hmm

of the UK

I think the most common one is dick

no these are

affectionate names

I’m sorry

okay

right

no so this would be like

this would be like

okay

because I have never

I would be in the group

that does not have a nickname

for their penis

I call it penis

hmm

I whenever

I don’t actually talk to it very often

so I don’t really need a name

okay

as for what they’re actually calling it

the risk

the list runs from self -deprecating

to deeply aspirational

John Thomas

topped the rankings

John Thomas

yeah

it’s the most common

nickname for a penis

which is also very common slang

I’ve actually heard John Thomas before

my John Thomas

I know

I’ve heard this

as a

term for

your penis

but

I’ve never

I’ve never heard this in conversation ever

neither have I

and that makes me think that

like they’re saying

it’s like

70 -80 %

I actually believe that’s

not true

I would

I would guess that

an older guy

might call it

a John Thomas

maybe a grandfather

they didn’t give an age range

that actually would make a big difference

huge difference

yeah

okay so

mopey dick

which I actually quite like

I’ve never heard that before

mopey dick

I think that’s the thing

the

the ones that are good

I’ve never heard before

I’ve never

because I’ve never heard anyone really talk about their penis

and use a name

I actually

I need some context for this

okay

some others got creative

circumference

not bad

widgey mcwidgeface

midgey mcwidgeface

is not very good

circumference

I quite like

because it also

it’s got dual meaning too

so I quite enjoy that

it is

and then others went full military hierarchy

the general

sorry I hit a button

the general

the captain

the boss

the prince

the champ

and then there’s also

the rocket

the wand

rodzilla

which I enjoy

that one

that’s my favorite so far

big ben

and little man

okay

the only one

I can

say is

is feasible for me

is um

not for me personally

well maybe for me personally

don’t

stop talking Jordan

little man

because I’ve heard

if your name is

is Tom

you might say

little Tom

or mini Tom

I might say little Jordan

I’ve heard that

being used in conversation

but rarely

and the others

I’ve never heard

I’ve never heard any of these

this list should be debunked

because

I can

tell you my experience

it’s not true

it’s the number

it’s the percentage of people

who have a name for their penis

seems very high

and then these names

I’ve never heard any of them

really

in the UK

most people

are just calling it

their

dick

I think that’s

that’s probably the most common one

if you’re talking to your friends

you say

fuck my dick’s hurt

I don’t know

what context that would be in

but

you’d say that

yeah

so if you gave it a really powerful name

like Rocket Big Ben

the Terminator

or something like that

you’re really speaking to the potency

that you feel about yourself

and the prowess in bed

and it gives

the capacity that you give

to your partner

it’s quite egocentric

yeah

I don’t believe any of that

I’m sorry

that’s bull

that’s a

that’s a bad

the person who wrote that

doesn’t know anything about

penis names in England

let me see

it’s by Ashley Fike

or Fikey

okay

let’s doxa

yeah

no Ashley

can suck my circumference

yeah

laughing

so last time we were talking

yes

I brought up

the Great Emu War of

1932

if you have any questions

it’s a very short story

so it’s not too bad

but do you have any questions

before we begin

before I start giving you the facts

okay

one question

I feel like I’m the only person

in any group I’m in

I’m the only person who

who really

really likes

enjoys emus

it’s just a nice beautiful animal

it’s an underrated animal

I think

I think emus are underrated

I agree with that absolutely

yeah

the best thing about them is

when

do you know when they’re running

then

now they’re not as fast as ostriches

of course

but when they’re running

they pick up some speed

and when they change directions

they can’t change so sharply

they kind of run in a

in a left -leaning or right -leaning arc

because

they’re running at speed

but their body moves first

and then their neck follows

and then their head is the last thing to move

so it looks like that

so it looks really really charming

and so

I feel if an emu was trying to start a war with me

and it was running towards me

I’d be

stunned by

the cuteness of its swerves

as it

ran to kill me

well that might be

part of the issue

because apparently they were very hard to shoot

and it might be because of this

like you’re aiming at the head

and then the head just snaps

and does this like

very sexy

oh I can’t

I missed

right

yeah

so this was

this was 1932 in Australia

there was a severe drought

so that was a big problem

the main issue was

the emu

where they normally would get food

could not get any food

so they started

invading farmland

and so that’s

that’s where this conflict arises from

because the emu are just trying to feed themselves

they’re just trying to eat

about 20 ,000 emus

came out of the interior

to farmland

in western Australia

that’s a lot of emus mate

they ate mostly

wheat

now this was during

the depression

basically these farmers

weren’t making any money anyways

so the fact that they’re having their crops

destroyed by emus

was a big problem

so they called the government

help us out mate

farmers petitioned the ministry of defense

for help

so they didn’t just like call the cops

they were like

there are so many emus

there’s 20 ,000 emus

eating our farmland

we need

we need the government to step in

so that was their first petition

the minister deployed men

under

major

GPW

Meredith

and the royal

Australian

artillery

let’s say you’re in this situation

you’ve been petitioned by farmers

you’re a minister

in the Australian government

help us out mate

I actually have a

we have an Australian

friend

who is going to be

doing some lines for me

that I’m going to be dropping in

okay

the lines I’m going to have

is like

that’s a lot of emus

I can’t do an Australian

that was pretty good

I thought

in my opinion

maybe last month

I watched a movie called

Seven Snipers

and I didn’t know

it was an Australian

seven snipers

that’s a lot of snipers

it’s

six

seven

six

seven

six

seven

snipers

that’s a lot of snipers

that’s the

that’s the line

I want to get

I want to

I’m practicing that one

that’s a lot of

that’s a lot of snipers

mate

and snipers would be

another good nickname

for it

if you want to

yeah

yes

so the farmers

petitioned the minister

also

how

what would you send

so you’re

you’re in

you’re sort of in charge

of the military

you can tell the military

to do stuff

and they’ll take you seriously

you

you found out there’s

you don’t know how many emus

there’s a lot of emus

destroying farmland

what are you sending

to the farmers

to help

without knowing the situation

literally hundreds of farmers

were

were coming at me

to complain

maybe

I don’t know what’s up

the military

maybe I’d send

twenty

people

with

with a

as humane a gun

as there was at that time

something that could

humane gun

does not

go together

for me

you know

the most

humane gun

so could you

now explain

to me

what you believe

is the most

humane gun

that you know of

okay

well no guns

like you say

no guns are humane

however

I would say

a gun

whose bullets

will

enter a body

cleanly

and swiftly

and maybe make

an instant kill

I suppose that depends on

more of where it enters

the body doesn’t it

but

but that opposed to

those

shells that splinter

inside the body

to cause as much damage

as possible

hmm

I think

does shotguns do that

shotguns shoot a bunch

of pellets

I only know

video game

guns

me too

I know that

I know that shotguns

shoot

they spray

but you can get them

like more focused

or more broad

but that

you want

one that hits the body

and explodes

into bits

well

if that’s

the opposite of that

whichever one is the

most painless

for the emus

that’s what I want

whether it’s the

splintering

exploding shells

into the body

if that’s going to be

painless

they’re more painless

this

like this is

this is my slide

of humaneness

for guns

no I understand

what you’re saying

you’re saying

you want to do

like basically

kill them as quickly

as possible

so they feel

the least amount

of pain

yeah

so like if I shoot

one it’s dead

like in the first

second

hopefully

not lying on the

floor in pain

for an extended

period

no I

because that’s

what I don’t

yeah

yeah yeah

we’re not trying

to we’re not

trying to torture

the emus

we’re trying to

stop them

okay

no I

I understand

that’s why I

wouldn’t I

was I was gonna

say would

animals be better

for this but

then animals

will bite

and tear

and that’s

that’s I’m

thinking of like

fox hunting

that’s painful

that must be

horrible

nature is

heavy metal

they do

yeah it is

doesn’t mess

around is it

so you really

want to drop

white phosphorus

on them

that’s bad

for the wheat

isn’t it

oh it is

bad for the wheat

yeah

it’s bad

for the wheat

so they

they had

a small

group of

men

maybe about

four or

five

they had

two

lewis

machine guns

and 10 ,000

rounds

enough rounds

so they had

two machine

guns

10 ,000

bullets

and they’re

like I

think it

was four

guys

they’re like

go out

and just

shoot some

emus

because they’re

thinking

you’re gonna

shoot a couple

of emus

they’re gonna

move on

I’m betting

the ministry

didn’t understand

the scale

of what they

were actually

talking about

so when these

Australian farmers

like oh

that’s a lot

of emus

mate

I bet

they were like

oh that’s

that’s an

Australian

farmer’s version

of a lot

of emus

which could

be three

versus

thousands

and thousands

of emus

yeah

you were talking

about the birds

running

do you know

how fast

an emu

can run

because you

said not

as fast

as austri

how many

how fast

do you think

an emu

can run

I want to

check because

I actually

think they

run the

same speed

I don’t

really know

how fast

an ostrich

would run

maybe

is it

30 miles

an hour

is that

a cheetah

cheetahs

are like

50 miles

an hour

which are

the fastest

yeah

they’re the

fastest

but it’s

only for

a couple

seconds

I know

they’re not

marathon runners

if they run

at top speed

for an extended

period they die

because they

overheat

do they really

yeah

it’s actually

really sad

because you can

imagine like

they’re trying

to catch something

because they’re

hungry and then

they miss

and then just

like die

of exhaustion

that’s why

you see

cheetahs

they’re kind

of watching

the prey

and they’ve

got to be

really sure

about the

kill

yeah

well

I don’t know

ostriches

I’m going to

guess that maybe

like 30 miles

an hour

oh you’re pretty

pretty good

it’s 30 to 37

miles per hour

with a sprint

up to 43

miles per hour

so basically

they can run

fast and they

can have these

spurts of 10

miles per hour

more where

this is ostriches

emus run at 50

miles per hour

what

yeah so I

think emus run

faster on level

than an ostrich

does probably

because they’re

lighter

yeah

goodness me

that’s it’s

fast so we’re

talking almost

as fast as a

cheetah

yeah

cracking

I gotta look

it up I gotta

see how fast

a cheetah runs

now

so we have

our numbers

right

oh my god

65 to 75

miles per hour

that’s that

top sprint

so they’re

running probably

in the 30s

40s and then

they sprint

they can hit

104 to 120

kilometers an

hour which is

75 miles per

hour

okay

and you know

just while we’re

talking about it

birds from

down under

how many

miles an hour

do you think a

kiwi can run

I’ve just googled

kiwis are

little turds

with legs

yeah those

things yeah

I come on

they can

they can top

out at 14

kilometers an

hour

miles per hour

let’s go

miles yeah

it says 10

humans walk

at 7 miles

per hour

no run

at 7 miles

per hour

or something

oh fuck

I don’t

remember

humans were

designed to

walk not

run

that’s

interesting

well

how fast

does a

kiwi go

10 to 15

miles an

hour

okay

that’s running

and that’s

faster than I

thought

considering its

size and its

little legs and

its little turd

body

yeah

okay I’m just

gonna put

how fast does

a human run

so we’re gonna

get an average

not like

olympians

68 miles

per hour

yeah

so the average

so my in my

head it was

7 miles per

hour is

normal

yeah humans

were designed

to walk

not run

and we walk

almost better

than almost

every other

animal on the

planet

we do

well we were

do they call

it endurance

hunting

yes

in our

primitive days

scariest thing

animals could

see would be

just a bunch

of humans

in the distance

just tracking

them

waiting to

be worn

out

get tired

and get

worn out

yeah

scary

sorry we’re

back so they

deployed a

couple guys

with two

machine guns

and 10 ,000

rounds

and the birds

run at 50

miles per

hour and they

scatter

so this is the

problem so like

when you’re

talking about

shooting them

they can’t

really aim

at one

because it’s

gonna move

it’s gonna

scatter they all

run in different

directions so

they’re not

gonna be able

to just like

zombie video

game and just

do do do do

do do and

take them all

down

call that

fast and

wily

so the first

issue is there

were 20 ,000

emu and they

only gave them

10 ,000 bullets

oh so at best

if they killed

one emu with

every shot which

is impossible with

a machine gun

because you’re just

spraying they would

still only be able

to kill half of

them

how well do you

think they did

terribly i guess

because

what a mess

so they had 10 ,000

rounds how many

emus do you think

they killed in

terms of killing

or dispatching

maybe would

that include

emus that

they you know

clipped on the

foot so it

couldn’t run so

it was yeah

virtually not

emuing anymore

the range is

very broad

because what the

number they

actually give is

the result is

very broad but

it’s still quite

low i’m gonna

i’m gonna say

100 oh

no they did

better than that

they killed a

thousand to

2 ,500 emus

that’s not many

emus i’m betting

they shot a

thousand and

they were like

down on the

ground and

then injured

another thousand

that kind of

ran off and

died later

that’s it

literally the

opposite of what

i was aiming for

earlier with my

with my humane

guns in

december 1932

the soldiers

withdrew and

they claimed

mission failure

see you later

mate and

then as a

result the

government just

started giving

farmers ammunition

so they could

just shoot them

themselves

yeah that makes

more sense as

and when

yeah yeah

it’s kind

it’s funny

that they

lost but

it’s sad

that you

have to like

kill a bunch

of animals

because

yeah the

emus are just

trying to find

food they’re just

trying to be

emus and

they’re not

trying to

have a lot of

time

yeah just

trying to

anytime

animals come

into human

territory to

feed it’s

because we’ve

taken up all

their land

somewhere

isn’t it

i think like

the bears

going to

places in

japan

not just

japan

this has been

a huge

problem in

japan

because

i learned

that it

has

there’s two

factors that

are causing

this the

bears to come

into cities

and hurt

people and

stuff is

they eat

chestnuts

and the

chestnuts

because of

climate change

is just

not enough

chestnuts

for them

to eat

so they

have to

go to

other

sources

for food

and it

used to

city

circled

farmland

circled

by forest

where the

bears live

so the

bears

crossing

the farmland

was difficult

because the

hunters would

chase them

off or shoot

them or

whatever

that farmland

is gone

so now

it’s just

forest city

so they

just walked

straight into

the city

when they

started looking

for food

that’s scary

so not having

that buffer

has actually

caused a

huge problem

in japan

and now

they’re talking

about like

culling

the bears

but because

of japan’s

incredibly good

gun control

no one has

guns or has

grown up

with guns

so there

aren’t as

many hunters

so all the

hunters are

like in

their 60s

70s

and 80s

they’re dying

off and there’s

no one taking

over so they’re

not they don’t

have enough

hunters anymore

what’s the next

best way to

kill bears then

i don’t know

like i don’t have

an answer for that

like there’s no

answer

like do you have

to kill the bears

so we should

start integrating

them

uh and you know

if we start doing

that then

they’ll want

want bears

to get married

and oh

bear rights

yeah

they’ll be

adopting kids

god

it’s a slippery

slope

one day you’re

allowing bears

to survive

the next day

you’re marrying

bears

god

fucking

liberals

shit

uh that would

be great

trying to have

the the pro

bear argument

yeah

and how a

slippery slope

what it’s going

to be we’re

going to put like

bears in our

classrooms

do you want a

bear teaching

your kids

yeah

do you want to

sit next to a

bear on a bus

oh my god no

do you want to

see bears on

i was gonna say

do you want to

see bears on your

grinder

i know to be

honest i think

that i think

that’s actually

where they belong

i think you’d be

right there

yes

JVP

enter the mind of the academy

chop my big chest where the best is a philosophy

drinking at lunch brings verbal skills like a sucker punch

woke up to CMRB

CMRB

kind of maybe like a wild goose chase that people theorizing what did we not

know is made of glitter but it’s made of glitter and apparently the the sellers

and the manufacturers of this product cannot do not want the public to know

that it’s made out of glitter what is it what could be made out of gift that

would be good to have if we had people like to pull all the nudists could

chime in yeah

that would be that would be a great to get like a pull of nudists and what they think

is made out of glitter that isn’t glitter uh now so again because thematically of our

conversation i’m thinking the 11 herbs of spices in kfc is just glitter

maybe it is but so the thing that they don’t want us to know is litter

glitter obviously doesn’t look like glitter in its finished form otherwise it we’d know

um so people are thinking is it is it phones is it is it plastic well the cars are sparkly

um i wouldn’t be surprised if glitter goes into the paint that goes on to cars to make them sparkly

uh there’s actually a trend in cars right now where they’ve taken that shininess out and you have these

like almost dull colored cars now that i’ve said you probably haven’t even thought about it but now

that i’ve said it you’re going to go out in the street and see like these cars that go by that are

not shiny okay and they look they don’t look like cars they look like big toys almost it’s weird because

it looks not like we imagine a car to be but i could see that the sheer volume of cars produced

that could be the number one source of usage of glitter i don’t think it is because gay pride

there’s

well whatever the number one buyer is it’s absolutely top secret yeah like to the point where

it would cause not distress maybe just controversy if it was found out that glitter was in this product

um so cars being glittery itself it’s it’s not too obvious yeah it’s too easy almost because yeah

because that because it’s shiny it makes me glittery because the question then is because my logic was

the glitter it makes it shiny or sparkly but then is it something that is sparkly that they don’t want

you to think about or is it something that’s not sparkly and they don’t but then what is glitter is

just tiny flakes of plastic right when i yeah when i looked at it there’s yeah it’s like plastic um

there’s a there’s a more than you’d imagine complicated price and making it but essentially

yeah uh but because of the secrecy and the hush hush of it all and the way that the the representative

was talking about it as if her life would be on my mind um like it’s a government thing like it’s

there’s something is it in food is it in drink is it in something that we shouldn’t that it shouldn’t

be in yeah like my like my microplastics kind of thing well no because that was i thought okay like

microplastics but then my first thought when you said it like something that shouldn’t be in there was

the microplastics the little beads that should have that are in toothpaste that they i think it’s

illegal now and it was it was like to scrub your teeth or make it feel like it was being scrubbed but it

was just little bits of plastic and so that got into kind of it was just for texture um i’m pretty

sure most countries have made it illegal to put it in toothpaste now pooth taste

toothpaste toothpaste toothpaste now uh but which just means but that’s not glitter because it’s little

balls i imagine it’s a similar kind of thing in face scrubs that you yeah yeah yeah so that a lot of that

was microplastics and a lot of them were like don’t you don’t need it it was just to make it feel

like something was happening even if maybe nothing was happening but it was completely unnecessary

and that was when microplastics but that i think most of those things were made illegal because it

wasn’t doing anything in the first place anyways no okay but that wouldn’t be because depending on when

this thing you read was the tick tock it was still going on last part it was at the latter end of

it last year so it’s quite recently quite recently sorry yeah no no yeah yeah that it makes sense

no i have no idea we we would love glass is it the the only question you need is is it still glittery

like is glitter the substance and it’s glittery or is it just like filler and a product of something else

does glitter have a second purpose other than being glittery yeah and our brains are now like i’m stuck

on it has to be sparkly something sparkly sparkly sparkly sparkly there are no stars in the sky

flat earth is correct and they use glitter to simulate stars

cracked it open it’s all flatter theory do you know flat earthers think australia doesn’t exist

that makes you think that there are no flow of this in australia well okay anyone who says they’re

from australia is an actor is the first thing so i okay flat earth is already a hard thing to justify

i don’t understand why they would make it another level more complicated by saying

the continent doesn’t exist like you’re just why are you adding that extra element of difficulty to your

conspiracy theory so if you fly to australia you fly up in the air you fly around in a circle and you land

somewhere like hawaii or texas and then that’s just not real it’s all actors all the animals are fake

and it’s just australia isn’t real but i’m like the level of complication you’ve made in your conspiracy

theory is insane yeah it’s not something easy do they think the same with is that with new zealand

yeah i why i’m assuming australia it was very the thing i read was very specifically about australia

was about australia does not exist and the and the justifications that came up like well i’ve been to

australia no you flew to texas and all those were actors but i don’t understand why you can but you

can go on the coast of australia and you can see that it’s not the same as any american coast yeah it’s

the same it’s the coast of texas it’s that’s i think texas is landlocked actually my my my sister

lives in australia well she doesn’t though she doesn’t she lives in texas yeah lying so and so

yeah immigrants actually i didn’t think about the element like people have immigrated to australia

and they’re just surrounded by actors again it’s too much to keep up it’s not worth keeping up

or do they just become an actor just get hired you said it was your sister yeah you should be asking some

hard questions i i certainly shall next time i see her if i see her again if you see her again

like um we in we the british uh sent a lot of our criminals to australia or texas um before it was texas

in in in the history of britain so um i wonder if the flat earthers link that period of british history to

their theory of flat earth it would be interesting to see like do they believe like okay so how do you

explain away the history of australia because australia yeah so the british sent their the

convicts it was a penal colony uh there were aboriginals there there has the like they participated

in world war ii i don’t know about world war one but i know they had a big part in world war ii

they had that war against emus emus yeah they lost so yeah there’s the war against the australian

military and the emus and very technically they lost that war because there were too many emus and

they were like coming in and destroying crops they called out the military and they couldn’t shoot them

fast enough i would have to read up on this but i know there’s been a war between australia and

emus and australia did not win that war crikey yeah i know that that’ll be a topic next time i’ll

write that down and see if i can find the the words emus i thought you were just being silly

no no no everything i say is factually accurate um um there’s a speaking of history and its integrity or

factuality uh that i read something really recently coming back to me there’s a maybe a pretty sizable

group of people that think that about 300 years worth of history probably maybe european english history

is kind of fabricated or um which one did it say maybe i can’t remember if it was made up or just lost

because let me try and fill in the blanks okay yeah it was saying something like um the way we recorded

history all those hundreds of years ago was inaccurate and there was lots of um there were times when

history wasn’t recorded in the same manner as it had been previously or so there were lots of kind of

okay this history that we recorded in this way is up to here and then it gets a bit shaky here and

it’s just they kind of squash it down and pretend it didn’t exist or there’s a theory that we’ve lost

about 300 years worth of history i mean recording history has got to be like how many times were

people just like oh yeah you know a war happened and i just didn’t write it down like and you’re talking

like maybe millions of people or thousands of people and they’re just like yeah but i wasn’t there i

missed it i heard about it didn’t seem that big a deal like all that that was huge there must be so much

that we’ve lost knowledge of i don’t know why okay so i watched an episode my friend and i are

re -watching um star trek enterprise which is one of the worst star trek shows okay they go to a planet

this is supposed to be very early in the the star trek days they go to a planet and they find humans

and this is really shocking because humans hadn’t traveled out that far yet and it’s a pocket of 600 humans

uh that had been picked up by aliens and they were going to be used as slaves and then rebelled and

killed their captors and so this is all like a commentary on racism and stuff but not very well done

but they did a very classic star trek thing where the town was 1860s western style so everyone’s got like

cowboy hats and and pistols and stuff and they’re all walking around and they’re using like that style of

talking and the thing is they’re supposed to have been there for hundreds of years maybe 600 years

and i was like so in 600 years these people have not evolved at all like their language hasn’t

changed they haven’t discovered anything they haven’t improved they’re still using six shooters

they’re still talking did these aliens pick up the 600 dumbest people on the planet

did they do something to them they could have done something oh they could have done something to them

but they were smart enough to like beat off aliens in in the not one way not the other i mean maybe

catch them off guard oh we’re ready for that yeah maybe that’s why they were taking his slaves so they

could beat them off but they but i was like this is a problem with science fiction writing

is that they they’re like okay we want to take we want to have a wild west town where they’re oppressing

aliens so we’ve transferred that but they didn’t take into account okay we they’ve been there for

hundreds of years why have they not evolved at all like in any way like they’re still using the exact

same technology they haven’t discovered the internal combustion engine they haven’t i’m just like

like come on man like they would have done something even something that was kind of hybrid

of the technology they came with or knew about plus the alien stuff yes a hundred percent the only way i

could make it work which they didn’t do in the show is if you make it a religious thing that they can’t

use the technology like um amish people like okay we’re we’re doing away with technology because the

aliens did this and it’s now part of our religion that we teach children that could work but they

did kind of yours like i’ve already put more thought into this episode of tv than the people who wrote it

um could maybe anything anything we come up with is obviously if it wasn’t written in the show we

have to assume that it’s not part of the episodes can be canon yeah yeah i was going to say something

like it maybe um the material used in the alien stuff is toxic to them so they can’t even interact

with it i’d be okay with that like again you could you could make a lot you could take five minutes

and figure out why have they not evolved let’s explain it away in a couple sentences like it doesn’t have to be

the premise of the episode the episode was about uh these settlers oppressing the aliens and then

it had been a couple hundred years so the people who’d grown up even the aliens like they weren’t

the ones who oppressed you so why are you oppressing them back that kind of stuff right but again very

poorly done in tables and then they just left oh the people on the star trek people the star trek

people they’re just like well we kind of helped for a couple minutes we’ve really interfered with

the society uh let’s go how did they leave the situation with the aliens and uh they had basically

i i watched this a little while ago they had helped there was like schools were illegal for alien kids

and they were like no you’re not going to do that anymore and they killed a couple people

oh and then kind of moved on it was it was very bad there’s a reason that show didn’t

it was right i love the idea of this story though this is a very interesting plot to have obviously

they didn’t think much about it i’m okay with like okay we’ve taken people from the wild west we’ve put

them on another planet but they’re not just going to stay in the wild west that was the only that was

the bit my sticking point i was like once you have a hundred years or two hundred years something

changes you would have some guy who invents something or they live on another planet so maybe they have to

evolve to do things differently yeah they have to interact with their environment differently there’s

different animals monsters whatever none of that they’re just like no still in the wild west for the

next 500 years like the wild west in america only lasted for about 50 years

um did the a wait the aliens took the humans but they must have taken technology and artifacts from

that time as well well no again so i think i think the implication is the aliens took just a group of

humans from the wild west because they would be easy to pick up flew them to another planet and then

the the there was an uprising and they killed the aliens or most of them and then just built the wild

west again because that’s what they knew but again that would have been a couple generations previous so

yeah architecture would change like oh you know what these stupid saloon doors that don’t close i

don’t really like those let’s get rid of those like yeah uh you know cowboy hats are really hard to

make on this alien planet i think maybe we should make a different kind of hat do you need a cowboy hat

with the environment anyway they did make it again it’s really annoying it was like a dusty village

very wild westy okay yeah i’m trying to like i watch a lot of science fiction and stuff so i get really

into it but then it’s if i stop and think about it i’m like i immediately get angry because they

clearly didn’t think about some aspects of it saying that all the ideas that we’ve thrown around here

will probably enrich the story of that episode a bit more wouldn’t it but even my bit like okay change

a couple things in the in the town have them explain what you know this came about because

of this okay so they have evolved they have changed but it’s like nah star trek is so like low level

they just like no a to b b stays exactly the same like nah man that’s not how that works

that’s frustrating did you do you have any things that bug you about the alien series

oh my gosh oh my gosh movies so the first alien movie is really really good

it pisses me off how big the alien gets how quickly it gets so big so it starts out as the face hugger

it implants an egg the egg comes out as a worm uh it turns into the alien about seven feet tall 20 minutes

later like yeah the only thing it should do is if like i’m okay with something growing super fast

because it’s an alien thing and we don’t understand its physiology it should eat a ton of food to get

that big that quickly though it eats a person maybe two people and that then it’s like eight feet tall

but they’re kind of biologically engineered so which is which is revealed in later movies sorry spoilers

oh we’re going to be spoiling this movie from 1978 yeah they fill in a lot of those details in

other movies after where you find out the origins of the aliens and stuff so and they’re made

they’re made they’re made by the the architects yeah that’s right trying to clean off a planet before

they like seed it for life now wait yep prometheus the the architects yes they they destroy the alien aliens

so in in prometheus it’s black goo yeah that black goo becomes an alien -esque thing but the the whole

point is it’s supposed to basically kill everything and then they can start a new planet yeah but the

aliens that that are seen in the very first movie that form of alien that’s like the the details are

tweaked by the the android guy aren’t they is it david so in prometheus no so in prometheus it’s tweaked

by the android because he’s trying to like communicate or commune with it in the first one we don’t know how

many evolutions this alien has gone through so the alien takes on attributes of its host so the alien

in the movie alien walks upright because it was in a human in the third movie there’s an alien that runs

on all fours because it was in a cow so that the bull alien so we don’t know how many things it’s gone

through to get to this evolution that it’s at now which is good because then again that maintains like okay

a lot of weird stuff is happening that’s why it has two mouths we don’t know why it has that

serves no purpose as far as we can see but the only thing the only thing that bugs me about the first

movie is it should take a lot of energy to grow that big so i feel like you should have to eat four or five

people to be able to grow that fast i don’t think i would like it eating to get energy because

that in that if it if that was the case it would feel a little more familiar to something i understand

yeah and i don’t want to understand the aliens however i do think that the the speed in which it does

grow is ridiculous because when i think i watched the movies first when i was really young so i don’t

actually remember how quickly it was i assumed that it was over a few weeks it was just running around in the ship no that’s how i remember it when i watched it recently i realized it was in the same day

yeah but um in my memory having this alien kind of not knowing where it is for at least days that’s a

better movie yeah yeah because the knowing it’s on the ship and then like i got if i was gonna rewrite

one part of it it would be like yes that takes a couple weeks or months and then a couple people disappear

all the food disappears like he eats all the food stores so then the people now don’t have enough food

like you could actually create more tension with like oh shit all our food’s gone like it ate all our food

and now it’s eating us and it’s just trying to eat as much as possible the other thing is the alien in the first movie is smart in every subsequent movie the alien itself gets dumber and that really bugs me

because as soon as they introduce the queen so the second movie is an action movie and it’s hundreds of aliens and they just act like ants

and they explain that away like the queen is kind of controlling them but they’re dumb like they’re just dumb

maybe she’s a dumb queen this well because they they have the robotic machine guns

and the way they solve that problem is just have so many aliens run towards it it runs out of bullets

but i was like the first alien would have like oh i’m gonna crawl around behind it and smash it and turn

it off like it would yeah figure that out so you have a few die and then have it stop but they were just

like oh no they’re just gonna throw it until they all run out of bullets which was just it was a cool scene

it didn’t match with how smart the first alien was i’d always take a creepy scene over an action scene

they’re that much more entertaining yeah yeah tension is good yeah i agree with that maybe um while

a group of aliens together are acting as kind of a hive mind or just following orders from a from a queen

maybe maybe being isolated um activates a more a survival instinct survival or smarter way of thinking

because in the third movie maybe the fourth movie they have aliens in a pod that the humans are

experimenting with the two aliens attack a third alien so that it will bleed on the floor so they

can get out yeah yeah that was good i remember that’s intelligence though and that’s the bit that

pissed me off because i’m like why they’re smart when they need to be smart and then super dumb

when they need to be dumb and i that i can’t get over that because you just have to decide is it

smart or not smart i’m okay with either because big zombies are dumb they just lumber forward they can

be scary but if i think aliens being smart is more scary definitely more scary maybe they’re treating like

humans not all humans are smart yeah volume again i don’t know yeah because then you get into alien

predator versus so this is the problem how far do you want to go because in the alien versus

predator movies the aliens are just dumb as bricks they’re just animals i don’t like the

the crossfire predators no they were not they were not good um the those movies were pretty poor

yeah because they obviously hadn’t been thought about again and they didn’t take any time to be like

how do we come like okay so these aliens are coming down they’re going to attack something town village

whenever uh the predators are going to come they’re doing cleanup i’m like logically that makes

sense but then why are the aliens so dumb is it i could believe that the aliens were dumber in this

movie franchise movies because isn’t it where the the predators create some kind of repeated ritual

where it’s like a blood spot for them they get human sacrifices to create the opportunity for them to

kill a bunch of things maybe that is that is like a coming of age ceremony so the predators in

alien versus predator 2 there’s like three or four of them and they get wiped out pretty quick

by the aliens but it’s because they’re supposed to be like teenagers they don’t explain that very well

no they’re supposed to be like this is essentially like a coming of age ritual ceremony and they’re

supposed to go in there and do their first hunt under controlled circumstances yeah but yeah pretty garbage

right so that we should find a movie and watch it and discuss the movie that actually would be not a

bad thing i watched him with jason statham movie it was really really poor i can’t remember the name

even um but there was one scene and i can’t imagine how it was directed because it was him and the bad

guy across from him and they’re running out of ways for jason statham to be tough so the guy was eating

his breakfast he had pancakes and coffee and then jason statham picks up syrup and he he goes and i i

imagine the direction in the script was aggressively pours the syrup on the pancakes

because he just poured way too much syrup on the other guy’s pancakes and i’m like

that was not intimidating at all like yeah

sometimes things don’t need to be intimidating they were trying to i mean in this situation

have a conversation say some tough stuff get up and walk away fine you don’t need to ruin the other

guy’s breakfast yeah that’s not going to do you any good at all it seems a bit

yeah no it just it ruined and like there was a little bit of tension and then i was like when

he aggressively poured syrup i was like no you kind of really did this there it’s like the difference

between just being a big tough guy or trying to make someone see you as a big tough guy well i

so being having spent my whole life doing judo and stuff like i know really really tough dudes

and i know the people who are trying to be really tough dudes the really really tough dudes super calm

super gentle and never lose their shit and i’m like because they know they don’t have to prove it

they know that they’re like any situation i’ve seen them in they were like super chill i was in a

bar with this guy he was just like super super high level he was just like incredible guy came over

tried to pick a fight with him because it was the other biggest guy in the bar and he just looked

at me he’s like dude whatever man like he just no hint that he was intimidated at all because

he and i was like that’s actually the calm relaxed guy is the scariest guy because he knows he’s fine

yeah they’re in control yeah everything else just seems really performative and

the average person could just see right through it yeah i think so like there’s a feeling and so

like when someone gets up in your face and you’re just like okay i mean if that’s what you want to do

i guess that’s what we’re gonna do just zero zero like fear in this thing about performative macho -ness

uh something that makes me laugh okay um any any scene in a movie where the guy drags a chair to a

table and sits on it backwards so he’s leaning on the back of the chair that grinds my gears because

no no one does that the person who wrote that that that direction is not a tough guy

otherwise they’d know that that’s gonna just be a weird mood killer because when i see that i think

of the high school teacher who’s trying to be cool yeah they do that they do that in high school movies

a lot where they like turn the chair around like hey guys let’s talk like we’re equals hey fellow teenagers

yeah yeah yeah it’s that’s it no so you’re right so like i was trying to write a story this was back when i was

younger and it was the main character supposed to be a genius and then i realized really quickly

i’m not a genius there’s no way i can write what a genius would think and i think that’s a problem

like you can’t write someone smarter than you and so you’re saying right now you can’t really write

someone tougher than you without it being performative immediately because i could write real tough guys because i know

them as people so i would just write that guy yeah i came up i because again i went through the whole

gambit of insecure male to overconfident overcompensating male to now i’m comfortable

to now i’m actually making fun of what i was when i was a teenager like i think i’ve gone full circle

where i’ll do stuff that i did as a teen because it’s funny not because i think it’s actually tough but

have you ever what is your most performative male moment oh um

it’s such a weird question yeah i’d say um performative male moment um to be completely honest

i’ve never been under the illusion that i’m a tough male so i’ve never felt like i had to perform as one

however something that i do to this day sometimes do um if i feel a little bit uncomfortable is um

i’ll lower my voice if i’m talking to strangers and there’s something about the situation or them

or my perception of what’s going on that’s making me a little uncomfortable

okay so for example when i would um it rarely happens now because you’re okay but yeah because

i don’t care so much but it’s not the zero percent um but when i was a teenager or a young 20s

something um i would come back to the family house and my brother who isn’t a tough tough guy but he’s

typically tough he goes to the gym a lot and yeah things like that he would be sat in the kitchen

with his friends and his friends knowing me as like the nerdy younger brother they liked me but

there was definitely a lot of kind of bravado and mickey taking and so i couldn’t help the the jordan

inside of me would be saying what are you lowering your voice about stupid but i couldn’t stop myself from

doing it yeah um and it wasn’t like hello guys how are we doing today but it would i i guess that it

was it would be something that at least my brother would be wondering about you would notice what what’s

he doing because he lives with me so yeah um maybe his friends wouldn’t catch on so much but i don’t know

i think i think the most not even matter the most i don’t know the strongest version of human that you

are is one that doesn’t care what people thinks yeah in the way that it it would kind of inhibit them

or make them act in a way that they wouldn’t actually do i think being yourself being yourself is the

strongest oh there’s a mess

enter the mind of the academy shock my big chest where the best is a philosophy

drinking at lunch brings verbal skills like a sucker punch woke up to see a mock beat

yeah yeah uh see a mock beat yeah yeah uh see a mock beat yeah yeah uh

The KFC Incident

I have my two domokuns.

I have my little Dark Souls guy.

I got my cross -stitch alien from the movie Alien.

Oh, I can see the shape of it.

Yeah.

That is one of my favorite things I own.

That’s fantastic.

Did you make it?

No, no, no.

I don’t have that talent.

One of our coworkers used to cross -stitch for fun,

and she made this for me for my birthday.

So it cost her the frame, which is probably just a piece,

but it’s so awesome.

Yeah.

No, it’s really good.

To have cross -stitch mixed with aliens is such a –

cross -stitch is like a mellow activity, and then there’s an alien.

Oh, awesome.

And it looks amazing, too.

It does.

You can tell the shape even from all the way over here.

My most expensive toy, probably this guy.

He’s from Dark Souls.

He worships the sun.

Anyone who plays Dark Souls probably knows this guy,

and this cost me a stupid amount of money.

Is that the get -good guy?

No.

So Dark Souls is a really –

like it is a dark fantasy,

so most of the people we meet are like really mopey and sad.

And he’s like, I’m trying to find the sun.

Let’s engage in jolly cooperation.

Oh.

So there’s a phrase called jolly cooperation,

and then you can call him –

if you save his life,

you can call him to help you with boss fights.

He helped me finish the first game,

which I was struggling with,

which I have deep, deep affection

because I put a lot of work into saving him.

And Dark Souls, as I hear,

because I’ve never played it,

is an extremely frustrating experience.

I think this is a demonstration of people’s patience.

So I don’t think Dark Souls is hard at all.

What it does is are you able to keep going?

So you can level up.

So you level up by killing stuff,

and you get their souls or whatever,

and then you level up.

So if I go fight a boss and it’s too hard,

I can go and just level up.

And most people aren’t patient enough to do that.

So you either have to be really good at the game,

which I don’t claim to be really good at anything,

or have the patience to go and kill stuff

and then come back when you’re overpowered

and you beat them really easily.

But I think people are so impatient

that they can’t do it.

So then they die a bunch of times,

and they’re like, I hate this game.

Okay.

But is that not every game?

I don’t.

This takes it up.

That’s formula.

Yeah.

It takes it to a higher level, though.

Like, I think most games,

like when you get to a boss,

you expect to be able to beat the boss,

which is not necessarily true,

because Dark Souls doesn’t necessarily have a linear path.

So you can get to a boss who’s way too hard for you,

and you have a choice.

You can try and try and try and try,

or you can go away and come back.

The first boss in every Dark Souls game

is too hard for you to beat,

and so it’s trying to teach you to run away.

And some people don’t learn that lesson,

so they don’t get past that first part.

That’s it,

because they’re applying the same approach

they have for different games to this one.

Video games, I think, teach you,

like, okay, you’re here.

You should be able to finish this.

Where Dark Souls is like, you’re here.

This guy’s way too hard.

Maybe you’ve got to go off and learn something

or do something and then come back.

This is a double -edged sword of open -world games,

I think,

because as much as I love the idea,

and I love claiming to say

I like to play open -world games,

I find them quite overwhelming.

I do do them,

but it kind of,

it puts a more,

rather than having an adventure

in this open world,

I consider it this area,

complete these,

this checklist I’ve created or found,

then the next area.

It doesn’t feel like an adventure to me.

Oh, it’s like work?

Yeah.

That’s how I felt a little bit

with the Breath of the Wild

and Tears of the Kingdom Zelda games,

which were open -world games.

I like open -world games

because I just mess around

and I end up doing

all the side missions first,

primarily by accident.

So I’ll come back to the main game.

There was Assassin’s Creed Odyssey.

I met this pirate

and she’s like,

can you get me this?

I’m like,

I already got it.

And she’s like,

can you get me this?

I already got it.

I finished like 12 quests

in about two minutes

because I just handed in all the stuff

because I’ve been around

to all the little islands

and done all the stuff

and just did not realize like,

oh,

I’ve just completed this game

and I’m way over -leveled.

So everything started getting really easy

when I played the actual game.

Oh,

I see.

This is,

yeah,

are you a bit of a completionist

when it comes to games?

I will open the map.

I will do any mission

that’s marked on the map.

But if it’s like,

you have to come here

at a certain time

and you miss this,

I won’t.

once I finish the main story,

I lose interest.

But if I do stuff

before the main story is finished,

I will do everything.

But I don’t care about trophies

and I don’t care about,

like I’ll look at the trophy list

and go like,

oh,

that seems fun.

I’ll try it.

But if it’s not fun,

as soon as I stop having fun,

I’m done.

It annoys me

if a side quest in a game

remains incomplete,

but I don’t really care about trophies.

I just see them as a bonus.

But with linear gameplay,

if the pacing of the game

is designed well,

you’ll get,

you know,

a satisfying amount of story

at each kind of interval

and the side bump

is kind of between that

spread nicely.

But you’re creating the pacing

in an open world game.

So I try to imagine

how much story I’ve got left

and how many side quests

should I do

before the next beat of the story

to give myself,

I don’t know,

a false linear style feeling

as I’m playing it.

But that’s a lot of mental effort

on my part.

So you’re trying to create

almost a linear game

out of an open world game then?

Exactly.

Okay.

Because I,

what’s your favourite game then?

Does it have to be a game

or a series?

Whatever.

It’s not school.

There’s no right answer.

You’re not.

But there is

a linear right answer.

There is a correct answer

to this question

you’re asking me.

I’d say the three

most fun series for me

are Pokemon,

Legend of Zelda

and the Tales of series.

Tales of?

Each game in the series

has a different

last word.

Tales of Sinfonia,

Tales of the Abyss,

Tales of…

Oh, okay.

I don’t think I’ve played

any of those.

Eternia.

They’re really,

really, really good.

Really long games.

RPGs.

Since I haven’t played them,

I can’t make any comments.

No.

I mean,

you can comment on the name.

My favourite is Tales of Sinfonia.

What does that mean though?

Like,

this is the problem

with a lot of the…

When you get into

ancient,

I don’t know,

like fantasy RPGs and stuff,

they start to use words

and I often don’t know

if it’s a real word

or I just don’t know that word.

And then I feel,

am I dumb

or have I not read enough?

So sometimes I see words,

I’m like,

I really just like to know

if that’s a real word

before I ask questions.

So,

symphony,

what is it?

Symfonia?

Yeah, symfonia.

Is that a word?

You’ve given this word

more thought in this 10 seconds

than I have

in the 20 years I’ve played it.

Like a symphony,

I imagine.

Well, yeah,

but that’s…

So,

symphony is implied

in the etymology

of the word,

but has that word…

Is that a…

Okay,

I gotta look it up.

I never heard

the actual word

symfonia.

I think it’s…

I imagine it’s a bit

like a Frankenstein word

created for the game.

Symfonia is Greek,

is a much -discussed word

applied different times

to bagpipe the drum.

Shut up.

What?

Greeks would not talk

about bagpipes.

In ancient Greek music,

same as Concord

or consonants

in medieval music,

a name applied

to several distinct

instruments such as

bagpipe,

hurdy -gurdy,

or virginal,

and then just says

same as symphony.

That’s made it

more confusing.

To be honest,

I wouldn’t say

there’s anything

to do with music

in the gameplay

or the story,

so I’m not quite sure

why it’s called symphony.

What’s a hurdy -gurdy?

I’ve heard that,

but I don’t know

what it is.

I was thinking

the same thing.

You know what a hurdy -gurdy is?

Hurdy -gurdy.

Okay,

you look up that.

We’re going to spend

the rest of the time

just looking up words.

It looks a little bit

like a cross between

a guitar and a violin

with accordion mixed in.

That’s just nonsense.

What am I looking at?

It has a crank.

What are you cranking

if you’re plucking

the strings?

I don’t know.

Are there any hurdy -gurdy

players out there?

So it must be

multiple things

happening at the same time,

like two instruments

in one.

Hmm.

Oh,

so what I’m looking,

the one I’m looking at now

has the crank,

strings,

and keys.

And then I got a picture

of this guy

playing the hurdy -gurdy

and he looks like

he’s having a heart attack.

Okay.

I don’t know.

I’m getting a lot of

medieval -looking

women in forests

holding a hurdy -gurdy.

That’s the vibe

I’m getting from

players.

This guy has hurdy -gurdied

himself out.

Oh my god.

Like,

why would you even

paint that poor man’s

face like that?

That’s awful.

I’m assuming

he’s probably singing

whilst playing.

The sound,

the only sound I imagine

coming from that mouth

is,

The mouth,

the mouth shape

isn’t pretty,

is it?

No.

It does look,

it does look pained.

If I can get the sounds

and maybe play some

hurdy -gurdy music

in the background.

Ooh.

I bet that’d be good

for D &D.

You know,

playing D &D

and having tavern music.

That might be what it is

because again,

but even that

usually is,

it’s like a couple guys.

It’s like a quartet

or something.

Because you have

the little drums.

They always have

like a nice little

gentle beat

in the background.

Yes.

It’ll have like a soft drum

and then it’ll be

like a little,

I always think of

mandolin?

Something like that?

Yeah.

Yeah,

sometimes maybe a little

flute or

little guitar

as well.

Alright,

just hold a second.

I’m going to get Dave.

He’s grumpy on the tape

on the bed.

He can sit on my lap

for a while.

And then he’ll get annoyed

from sitting on my lap.

Dave’s name.

Was it always Dave

or is it short for David?

Well,

I only,

because my kids,

we got a dog.

He obviously had a name

with his previous owner,

but we don’t know

who that was.

And then he was rescued.

And then,

so the rescue place,

they choose like

very Japanese names.

It’s like Muffin

or something

and popcorn

and stuff.

And all Japanese kids,

dogs,

animals names

are like food.

Like the most common name

for a cat

is Latte

or something.

It depends on their color.

But then my kids were like,

well,

we have to give him a name

because he’s part

of our family now.

And they were coming up

with really awful names

that I did not enjoy.

And I just looked at them

and I went Dave

and they were just like,

what?

And I was like,

well,

every Dave I know

is really nice.

And they were like,

oh,

because that’s a really

unique name.

It’s a Western name.

And they got really excited

about Dave.

And I was kind of

just threw it out.

I wasn’t 100 % serious,

but I was like,

we could use an English name.

And I’ve always liked

giving my dogs names

that were just

regular people names.

Which is exactly

what Dave is.

Everyone knows Dave.

Yeah.

Everyone has a Dave

in their life.

I’m not saying

they’re all good,

but most of the Daves

I’ve known

have been pretty cool.

They’re always good

at DIY.

Yeah.

No,

100%.

Yeah.

Let’s watch the footy.

There’s a really,

really old comedy

sketch show from Canada

called Kids in the Hall.

It was,

he sang a song.

He sang a song

about terriers

are my favorite breed.

And he sang a song

about all the Daves I know.

And so maybe

in my brain,

I just conflated

those two songs

into Daves

are all the dogs

I know.

These are the Daves

I know,

I know.

These are the Daves

I know.

David Hockner,

he works in my

dad’s store.

He’s worked

for 12 years.

He’ll probably

work here

four more.

Yeah.

All the dogs

you live with

are called Dave.

Yeah.

I rescued a beagle

that was just out

walking around.

So I picked him up

and then I called him

Ricardo Montalban.

And I had,

his actual full name

was Ricardo

Lamborghini Montalban

because I just liked

the way that sounds.

And then I took him

to the shelter

because I couldn’t

take him.

And they kept

that name.

Did they?

Yeah.

They were like,

okay,

well,

what’s his name?

I’m like,

well,

I don’t know his name

because I just found

him on the street.

He’s obviously like

actually someone’s dog.

So I’m hoping

the owner finds him

again.

But until then,

they wrote on the name

tag,

Ricardo Lamborghini

Montalban.

Crikey.

Yeah.

What inspired the name

to just get out of the car?

No,

I just looked at him

and he was like

a fat,

slow dog.

I was like,

yep,

Ricardo.

I like Spanish

sounding names.

Like in my book,

my book,

the main character

is called

Montana El Diablo,

which Montana is,

I love,

I think naming

your child

after a state

is very funny.

Like calling your kid

Paris or India

or a place.

Yeah.

Because then they,

can they go there

or not?

Like if you were

from Montana,

would you go to Montana

or would it be weird

if you’d never been

to Montana?

I think in this case,

Montana by the people

who live in Montana

is called Montana.

So being called Montana

sounds weird.

But if you,

if you are called,

I can’t think of a good example,

the people who live

in a city or a country

that don’t call it

the same name

as you call it.

Oh,

okay.

So if I was called

Germany

and I went to Germany,

it’s weird.

I don’t think that,

maybe that’s not so weird

because it’s called

Deutschland.

So it’s.

But everyone

in Deutschland

knows that other people

call it Germany.

So Japan,

Japan has Japan

and technically

it’s not Japan.

It should be Nihon

or Nippon.

The fact that there’s

three or four names

is already a bit much.

I can’t think of examples

where the,

the Western name

isn’t widespread

in that country.

Yeah.

We,

we’re,

the problem

you’re running into

is that.

Yeah.

Well,

the problem

you’re running into

is that English

is a very dominant

language in the world

right now.

So what we say

in English

is what people

are going to say.

Is there anything

you’re doing

for pride month?

I actually did

want to ask that

when you mentioned

pride month.

Do you do anything?

I don’t do anything

for pride month really.

Just be proud.

And just,

oh,

if I can muster it.

Every month

is pride month

for me.

arrogant sob.

Yeah.

No,

you should be proud

of one yourself.

You don’t have to be

effervescent or exuberant

to enjoy pride month.

I just don’t know.

I’m not avoiding it.

I just literally

don’t think about it

at all.

But it’s not to say

I’m not proud

of things I do

and places I go.

You seem weirdly

conflicted about it.

No,

no qualms.

It’s just,

it’s just not my thing.

I don’t really like

crowded places.

I’ve not really been to,

I’d planned to go to

Nottingham Pride

in England once before

with my friend.

But we got waylaid

at a pub.

And so we went

to Nottingham Pride

eventually.

But all the good stuff

had finished.

And actually it seemed

to be just fine.

And there was just

little markets

and clusters of people

rather than

big bustling events.

Because I just get

uncomfortable in

crowds like that anyway.

So maybe that’s why

I don’t do any events.

No,

I don’t.

Like,

if they had a

straight white man day,

well that would just be

like a race riot.

So,

the Proud Boys,

I don’t go to those.

Proud Boys.

Is that a real thing?

In America,

Proud Boys are essentially

like a racist group.

They claim to not be racist.

But they’re the ones,

they’re in the news.

They do marches

whenever there’s

immigrants and stuff.

It’s just,

they all look like

relatives of mine,

which.

Okay.

It’s a little off -putting.

Like,

I’m losing my hair,

so I keep thinking

I should just shave my head.

But I’m like,

man,

do I look like a Nazi.

Like,

I look like a fourth

white kind of guy

when I shave my head.

It’s not really

what I’m going for.

I think the beard

saves it though.

The beard helps a lot.

It does.

It’s,

it’s,

yeah.

If I shave my head

and shave my face,

I’m a poster boy

for those people.

I think you’d probably,

yeah,

that looks right.

But,

ah,

but you could counteract

that by getting a tattoo

of not something racist,

something not racist

on your head.

Where,

where would I put it?

So like on my forehead,

where am I putting this?

That’s it,

back of the head.

And what does it say?

Not racist?

It says,

not a Nazi,

not racist.

Actually,

I’m a very nice human being.

Oh,

so like a little disclaimer almost.

Fit it in.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

I have a big head.

I could probably put that much

on my head.

And I,

I am getting that,

like,

I’m losing my hair

on the top.

So I’m getting that ring.

So if I got it around the sides,

if I wanted to cover it up,

I still cover it up.

Hmm.

Which would be pretty nice.

My dad had one of those rings.

I think it,

it comes for all of us eventually.

Is this that part?

So,

um,

my brother went bold,

uh,

rather quickly,

uh,

in his twenties.

I think he started,

he was getting like the,

the,

the ring,

it’s a little circle shape

on the top of the head.

Oh yeah.

Of,

um,

of hair,

but this was receding here.

That kind of.

So I had a widow’s peak,

but the widow’s peak looked good for a long time.

So I actually was quite lucky

because it was receding in the,

the,

the two parts in the,

I don’t know.

So it was,

Oh God,

it’s awful.

No,

it was,

it started here and here,

but when I still had hair in the middle

and it wasn’t thin,

it looked pretty good.

Like I could do stuff with it,

but then it just,

you could,

I didn’t know I had a bald spot on the back of my head.

The day I discovered it was so sad.

I was on an elevator and it had a camera and a little screen.

And then it showed you like ads.

And then it switched to,

I was reading the ad and then it switched to the top of my head.

And I was like,

Oh fuck.

I didn’t,

I didn’t know about any of that.

Like,

I was like,

what’s all this nonsense in the back?

I thought I was okay.

And that was like,

I was like,

no,

I’m done.

Oh,

crikey.

Bless you.

I mean,

I personally don’t find anything problematic about a balding head at any stage of balding.

So you can be yourself around me.

I don’t care.

It’s a problem.

Losing my,

losing my hair.

What part of the LGBT,

I guess that’s just plus.

It’s B.

Bold bastard.

That’s B.

Bold bastard.

That’s LGBTQ+.

Yeah.

Losing my hair doesn’t bother me.

Losing my hair unevenly really pisses me off.

So like it,

I had a strip in the middle and then like one side was way less than the other side.

And I was like that just like lose it in older order.

Okay.

Like a Mexican wave of hair loss.

Or something.

Do it properly.

Don’t,

don’t like half my head is gone.

Asymmetry doesn’t look good with hair unless you’re doing it on purpose.

Yeah.

Because I wasn’t doing it on purpose.

It didn’t look good.

I suppose it’s maybe a similar problem to trying to grow a beard and it being patchy.

Yeah.

No,

I do.

Like I’m lucky that my beard is pretty full and regular.

It’s gorgeous.

Yeah.

Well,

I mean,

when it comes in right now,

I’ve switched.

I was using a beard oil and it wasn’t doing it.

My skin was getting really dry.

So I switched to beard balm.

B -A -L -M.

Balm.

B -A -L -M.

It’s balm.

It’s beard balm.

But I,

I don’t know why I’ve decided to make it really clear that it’s because I said,

my family English is their second language.

So I said beard balm and they were like,

you’re what?

And then,

cause they thought it was B -O -M -B.

Yeah.

So I had to go,

no,

balm.

But you can say it really quickly.

It’s beard balm.

And it’s a thick,

thick moisturizer.

It’s really gooey and you stick it on your face.

It’s more fun to play with right now than it is to actually apply.

So I’m,

I’m using it properly.

I hope.

Is it one of those things where it goes in and you’ve got to leave it and

wash it out later?

Or do you just.

I know it’s because basically I think it’s after you shower,

when your beard is wet,

you put it in and it locks in the moisture moisture.

And then it like moisturizes your skin.

Cause I,

I did get a lot of dry skin.

So I don’t want beard dandruff.

Oh,

that’d be awful.

Wouldn’t it?

Yes,

it is.

It’s terrible.

Where else can you get dandruff?

Uh,

anywhere.

I mean,

dandruff is just dry skin,

but it just gets stuck in your hair.

And then like the snows of Kilimanjaro happen.

So that’s,

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

So you could technically get pubic dandruff.

Yeah.

Anywhere you have hair.

But it,

like you say,

it’s going to be dry.

So exposure to air and not hidden under clothes and layers that that’s going to be the driest.

Yeah.

So maybe nudists get dandruff in their pubic hair.

They could.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

We should bring on a nudist.

Uh,

I do,

you know,

I don’t know any nudists.

We could,

we could start hunting for people with alternative lifestyles and then like interview them.

I’m okay with that.

Yeah.

Cause my understanding with this thing we’re doing right now is I can just add people to

this room,

like up to 30.

I know.

28 nudists.

Imagine that.

Okay.

So we’re doing this.

We have 28 nudists who are in the nude while talking to us.

Would you feel like you have to take off your shirt?

This is social pressure.

This is all social pressure.

Hmm.

I think I’d be fine with it nowadays.

Cause I’m used to going to the onsen and things.

I would take off my shirt if it made them more comfortable,

but I would be self -conscious about it for sure.

Okay.

I’d be tillated by it.

I have,

I have a disgusting nipples.

I have really pink nipples with just the hairs that grow around them.

So it looks like two octopus octopi.

Call back.

Yeah.

So I would be,

I would actually want to shave the hair around my nipples before I did.

So do you actually have exactly eight hairs per nipple?

No,

no.

It’s more of a,

an impressionist painting.

Okay.

Of an octopi.

than an actual,

like,

like a realistic hand drawing depiction of one.

Well,

since we spoke,

I had an event.

This is a quick change topic.

Okay.

I said something to my wife and I want to say the same thing to you and see how you interpret what I say,

because I think you’re going to interpret it correctly.

But she,

her interpretation of this made me feel bad about how she sees me as a human being.

So I went to Osaka for a couple of days and I stayed in a hotel.

You said,

Oh,

are you doing anything exciting?

And I said,

Oh,

I’m eating KFC in my underwear.

What do you imagine I was doing?

I imagine you wearing only underwear,

eating KFC.

Yes.

Which is the normal human thing.

And I was actually saying like,

I’m being kind of gross by sitting in my underwear and eating food.

That’s greasy.

But,

you know,

I’m on,

I’m essentially on my own for the first time in forever.

I think the vibe of that is like saying,

I’m like doing embarrassingly nothing with my time right now.

Yeah.

Literally just existing lolling around.

I’m in a Japanese business hotel,

which is a bed,

a TV and an incredibly small,

small desk.

I am going to be as lazy as humanly possible.

My wife interpreted this as I took Kentucky fried chicken and put it in my

underwear.

And I was eating it out of my underwear.

That’s what I thought.

She would think when you told me,

cause I had a quick.

Yeah.

But I don’t know what I’m hurt.

Like,

do you think I would do that is actually hurts me more.

The fact that you thought this was a thing I would do or could do really

bothers me.

Wait,

when she,

when she shared this understanding that she had a bit,

was she disgusted by it?

Was she just matter of fact about it?

What did you put the chicken in your underwear?

Which brings up a whole thing.

Like I’m wearing my underwear and I put chicken in it.

Did I take the underwear off and put the chicken in it?

I never got into that detail.

Cause it was too late by the time we were having the conversation,

but I was so focused on,

do you think I would put food in my underwear and then eat the underwear,

eat the food out of my underwear as a human being?

Like,

is that what you think of me as a person?

And it also says like,

what did you marry?

What,

what’s good.

I was deeply,

deeply hurt by this.

Maybe she thought she finally,

I can relate to you.

I’ve been doing this for years.

Yeah.

I finally found my match.

Yeah.

It’s something you could do together.

But she wasn’t,

she wasn’t,

she wasn’t making it seem like this was an appealing point of my character.

This was like,

Oh,

you’re so disgusted.

Yeah.

I know.

I’m just,

if she was surprised,

she saw me that way.

Well,

was she surprised about it?

Yes.

Well,

then she didn’t see you that way then.

But then when I said it,

Oh yeah.

I don’t know.

That makes sense.

That would be more insulting.

Well,

when I,

when I said it to her,

she didn’t sound like it was an unreasonable thing for me to do.

She was like,

of course you would do something that weird.

And I,

I don’t know.

I’m,

I’m a little,

this is,

this is taking me down a notch for sure.

Perhaps.

Thinking.

Of the most positive.

Um,

scenario here.

Perhaps she was.

Um,

postponing her shock.

Because she,

maybe she expected,

is this something cultural?

So if I show instant discuss,

it’s going to be very problematic and very,

you know,

offensive to you.

Maybe she was just coming at it with an understanding eye before.

And maybe express her surprise elsewhere.

You are being so kind.

And I appreciate that.

Because yeah,

I can’t,

I can’t get over it.

I I’m,

I’m so hurt.

I’m hurt that someone would think that I would do that.

Okay.

Do you know anyone in real life that you think would do that?

If you had to choose someone?

So what,

one of the things I really enjoyed it.

No,

I don’t.

Like if someone did it,

you would have to explain to me the appeal.

So there’s,

there’s a thing like in university,

I did a lot of psychology,

which I really enjoyed.

And it was a big thing for me was like,

okay,

there’s fetishes I understand.

And there’s fetishes I don’t understand.

And then how do you get into a point where there’s a fetish?

I just don’t get like,

there’s people who are into,

you know,

doms and subs and stuff.

And I’m like,

I kind of get it.

Maybe I’m not into it,

but I would get it.

There’s people into like doing things to other people.

Maybe I don’t want to do it,

but I understand it.

Then there’s like,

I’m going to lay down and have someone shit on my chest.

I don’t even get that.

Like,

like I don’t get what the appeal is.

Like that’s a level of humiliation beyond just sub and dom stuff.

Honestly,

on both sides,

I don’t,

wouldn’t get anything from shitting on someone.

And I absolutely would not appreciate someone shitting on me.

Yeah.

That’s,

that’s a tough one to,

to get if you just not already getting it.

No,

but that’s it.

And I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing to do,

or you shouldn’t do it.

I’m thinking if it’s two consensual adults,

just shit on each other all you want,

please have a room prepared in advance.

But I don’t get it.

And so to me,

eating fried chicken out of your underwear,

I don’t even get where that would come from.

I mean,

actually takes me to your point where maybe there’s something in her,

where she’s actually like,

oh,

this makes sense to me.

Shitting on someone.

It’s,

I don’t know.

I think,

I guess maybe some,

some people have the fetish of kind of being reduced completely to not even a

person,

just something like some have like a humiliation thing where they don’t want to be

seen as a human anymore.

They want to be seen as some,

I don’t know,

object just,

just to be used and abused as,

and I get,

well,

I don’t know if I get it,

but I’m not,

I’m not big into it.

Like you say,

anyone who can do anything you want,

as long as they’re enjoying it and not on anyone.

Then maybe it comes from that.

Okay.

So the most extreme case of this was,

I think it was a German dude.

It might’ve been Japanese,

but they met online and they agreed that the man,

a was going to murder man B and then eat him.

Oh,

it’s nice.

And that’s two consultant consenting adults.

Yeah.

Part of me is like,

that’s wrong.

Cause it’s murder and stuff.

But then part of me is like,

they,

if they,

if they’re both down to it,

well,

cause he has to kill the other person.

So that is,

that is technically murder.

Is it not technically euthanasia?

If the person’s asking for it?

No.

Cause euthanasia,

I don’t know.

Oh,

now we’re gonna have to look up euthanasia.

I think euthanasia is like,

you’re putting someone on essentially out of their misery or cause they’re

sick.

No,

no euthanasia is just killing another person,

but I don’t know.

Is that,

do you agree?

I think I’ve not looked it up for a while.

I’m looking it up right now.

Yeah.

I would just say a consensual someone killing you.

Okay.

Medical practice of intentionally ending a life in order to relieve pain and

suffering.

So that’s why I connected it immediately with being sick.

So I have terminal cancer.

I’m not going to survive.

I’m in a lot of pain.

Euthanasia is essentially putting me out of my misery.

Not the,

the dead dying part is secondary to what you’re doing is actually helping me

relieve pain.

Drugs won’t do it anymore.

Yeah.

That’s the typical view of it,

isn’t it?

But what is sick?

We don’t know this person who wanted to be eaten.

Maybe there was a different kind of sickness.

Well,

there’s emotional pain because in Canada,

you can have medically assisted suicide.

Uh,

or they call it medically assisted death.

And it basically,

my father did this.

Uh,

he just wasn’t going to get better.

You basically agree.

They just jack you up on drugs.

They actually had him out.

This is such a nice way to die.

They had him out on like a terrace on a nice day.

And they had some friends come over and they’re like,

Oh,

he liked guitar.

Why don’t you come out and play some of his favorite songs?

They jacked him up on drugs.

He’s feeling really,

really good.

And then went to sleep.

And that’s amazing.

It is like,

if you’re going to choose,

I was like,

everything about that sounded awesome.

And so I talked to him in the morning before he did this.

I couldn’t be there,

but it was like,

I actually was like,

I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing.

Cause this is scary,

but it’s,

you know,

you’ve,

you’ve chosen how to do this.

That’s really cool.

Mental.

Yeah.

To be like,

I’m going to do it.

And because it’s in Canada and it’s part of the vaccine,

like doctors and stuff,

they go through like months of counseling leading up to it and make sure

everyone’s okay with it.

Like,

you can’t just like,

I want to do it.

I think Sweden or something has something similar,

but they’re like,

Oh,

you can do it if you’re depressed.

And that’s a lot.

You might,

the problem is like,

you could come out of depression.

I’m not going to say more easily than being sick,

but like terminals disease,

you’re not getting better.

Like that’s guaranteed.

It’s hard to quantify the difficulty of depression.

against different,

more physical diseases.

It’s difficult.

I think because me,

there’s something that’s mental.

There’s always a hope you could get better,

which is why I would have a lot of trouble agreeing to it as a third party.

Ethically speaking.

And I don’t have a question.

I don’t have an answer for this question either.

But if somebody was depressed and they would,

and they wanted to take this option of medically assisted death,

is it right for other people who aren’t in the brain of this person to have a

say in that?

Well,

it’s so the way I actually had to participate in some of the counseling,

because they wanted to make sure that I,

and the first thing is they want to make sure that no one’s influencing the

person.

That’s actually number one.

So it’s not me pushing for this other person to actually go through with this

process.

So they have counseling with individuals and then the family is a group and

stuff.

So I did a couple of those,

but me being so far away,

I wasn’t having a particularly positive or negative effect on it,

I think.

So I wasn’t a big concern,

but it was,

yeah,

they were just trying to make sure that like no one was pushing it.

And then it was like,

okay,

do you understand this is real?

Like you’re going to do this.

And it’s not like something you can back out of once you’ve like,

once they’ve put the needle in the thing,

you can’t stop.

So that’s another thing you have to be really aware of.

You can’t like change your mind at the last minute.

But they keep trying,

they almost try to get you to stop.

So like to really just to make sure that you know what you’re doing.

No,

I imagine that.

Yeah.

Cause if that’s,

if,

if the desire for it goes through all the resistance and all the things that

could dissuade them,

yeah.

Then perhaps it’s more likely that it’s the best thing for them.

Like in my dad’s situation,

it was like,

I am so uncomfortable.

I basically don’t sleep anymore.

Like I sleep,

I wake up,

I sleep.

So I’m just tired all the time.

My essentially poor wife,

she has to live with this.

It’s not really fair to her anymore.

Cause I can’t help her in any way.

She has to just take care of me.

Her at this time,

like retirement age,

this isn’t how she should be spending her time.

So like he was being considerate of himself and other people.

So like,

I’m uncomfortable.

Everyone else is uncomfortable.

It just sucks for everybody.

Yeah.

So like,

yeah,

it was,

it was an interesting process to go through.

Interesting.

I’m sure it was.

About it.

Yeah,

I’m sure it was.

It’s,

it’s fascinating.

Yeah.

And that came from chicken in the underwear.

So it did.

That is a,

what a jump.

Korean face lift

I went to the

kite festival in

Hanamatsu

yeah I don’t know what to say

you saw some kites I assume

you assumed wrong

yeah

but it was a bit scary

I was expecting

just I don’t know

what I know a kite to be I wasn’t expecting

8 foot by

8 foot long

big square

kites with huge heavy frames

and I wasn’t expecting

the battle aspect of kites

that’s

maybe the more interesting part is that

they like because my they

will put like a razor blade on the tail

so they can cut the string of someone else’s kite

like they actually have competitions

yeah and the

idea of cutting someone’s kite

which must weigh a lot of

which must weigh a lot

then come crashing down on all the

unsuspecting people

underneath

but that didn’t happen

of course

but um

oh it didn’t

because that’s maybe what Japanese people

it’s like it’s like people go to NASCAR

they go to see the crashes

they don’t go to see the race

yeah but you’re usually not

in a car on the field

when the crash happens

I think Japanese

festivals

like a lot of them involve

danger and death

there’s the

naked man festival

near where I used to live

and they’re not really naked

they’re wearing the like Japanese underwear

but they all walk down the street

and then they have

they then

it’ll be like

groups or associations

they’ll put up a big pole

a three -story

pole

the guys at the bottom

will hold on to it

and then one person will try to climb to the top

and that’s a festival

so of course

they’re all drunk

the guy falls off

and lands on concrete

because they don’t catch him

so there were like

multiple injuries

multiple

ambulances

ambuli

called

every time

and I was like

why do you allow this to happen

and like

two stories up

is also the power lines

oh god

like it seems like

like every time I looked at it

I’m like

this is just a bad idea

why are you still doing this

and then I know

I think it’s banned now

they used to make like

a big big log

that like 12 people could sit on

and they make it go down a hill

like they would ride it

but like that log is

half a ton

and then it’s also

they don’t

the front is like

a flat shape

so it means if that digs into the ground

the whole thing flips over

and crushes everyone who was on top

oh my god

so that was a festival

that ended in like

multiple deaths

every year

I think it’s banned now

for that reason

which makes sense

good god

yeah it makes sense

but

yeah

I’m Buli

no that’s just me

oh is it

oh okay

I like the

so you can’t

I learned

when I was a kid

it was octopi

and then I learned

that that’s wrong

because half of it’s Greek

and half of it’s

not Greek

Latin

so you’re not allowed

to mix those

but then I was like

why

it’s English

I can mix whatever I want

why do I have to stick to Latin

or Greek rules

in English language

we should be able to take

whatever bits we want

and stick them together

and make our own words

I suppose

there’s nothing wrong

with that idea

I think

I think you’re within

your right to say octopi

I suppose

the trade -off of that is

you can’t expect people

to accept octopi

octopi

or Ambuli

I like the sound

of the I

as a plural

so I would like

steward I

for stewardesses

I would like

Ambuli

PNI

I mean

there were

a plethora of

PNI

sounds way better

than there’s

like tons of

cocks in the room

I don’t know

I like the sound

of the second one

that’s just a

personality type

then okay

I love a ton of

cocks

yeah

a plethora of

PNI

entered the room

and I was

very pleased

I just

I just like

I sounds

I don’t know

it sounds nice to me

at the end of a

to pluralize a word

do you think

you liking the sound

of I

is a bit narcissistic

it sounds

well

maybe

it sounds fancy

and I don’t

sound fancy

very often

so I

I’m talking about

the I thing

it’s like

I didn’t think

about it that way

I think

my personal feeling

is just the sound

it’s the sound

the

yeah

it’s the sound

sounds nice

what’s a nice

cursed

plural

word we can

think of

PNI is the first

one that comes to

mind

yeah but PNI

I think that

sounds like

it’s legit

yeah

it sounds like

it could be

PNI

what

well because

it’s it’s the

plural of the

so octopus

octopi

ambulance

ambuli

penis

PNI

so you’d

need a

word

okay

you would

need a word

that ends

with S

that it

doesn’t

match but

I think

it matches

really well

yeah I

think so

I always

thought

octopi

was the

thing

and I

learned

that it

wasn’t

yeah when

you when

you start

teaching

English you

learn all

the rules

that you

didn’t

know

and octopuses

being proper

I I never

liked it though

I don’t think

it’s right

I don’t think

it’s fair

I think I

think octopuses

octopuses

have been done

wrong by

yeah

they must be

gutted about

gutted

what’s on

your cap

uh this

is the

Notre Dame

the little

fighting Irish

man now I

was born in

Belfast

this I

think would

be more of

a southern

thing but I

just like the

racism aspect

of it because

you can’t be

racist towards a

lot of people

anymore but

the little

fighting Irish

guy Irish

people fight

and they’re

drunk all the

time is

pretty racist

which I

enjoy because

it’s a non

hurtful kind

of racism

I mean I

used to have

that for

the the

Indians

and that

one

that one

yeah I can

understand why

people don’t

like that

one though

it’s pretty

graphic

oh okay

it went a

little bit

have you ever

seen the

the Caucasians

have I ever

seen one

okay no

yeah I

hope you’ve

seen the

Caucasians

I don’t

think so

so uh

they took the

exact same

logo that they

made for the

Indians and

just transposed

it to a

white person

and they

called it the

Caucasians and

then they’re

like yeah

people would be

white people

would be super

offended by

this Caucasians

logo but

they were not

offended by the

Indians logo

which is the

exact same

thing only like

red yeah

same concept

isn’t it

yeah so I

thought that

would be really

funny I’ve

seen a couple

people like

wear this to

Indians games

which I think

is extra funny

I think that’s

funny yeah I

quite like it

I actually do

like it I

actually think

it would be

good um

Jim Jeffries

the comedian

used to have

a TV show

and then in

Canada they

had a football

team called

the Eskimos

Eskimos is

not necessarily

a slur but

there are more

than one group

so they don’t

like being to

lump together

as the Eskimos

so but in

America the

Indians thing

was this

tradition it’s

been this way

for a long

time you can’t

change it all

the white people

are saying you

can’t change it

and all the

Indian people are

saying it’s

it’s offensive

you should

change it

in Canada

they got this

group of like

Canadians together

and they’re like

should we change

the name it’s

like it’s been

that way for a

long time and

then this one

guy goes like

if they don’t

like it we

should it was

just such a

pleasant Canadian

answer to the

problem is like

well if they

don’t like it

we shouldn’t

use it but

then they went

to the this

this tribal

group and they

said do you

like the name

like ah it’s

vaguely offensive

but if you take

it away then we

don’t have a team

both sides were

like willing to

compromise and

willing to like

I’ll take the

other feelings

into consideration

I was like

and that’s

Canada all

over that’s

why I like my

country

they need a

team

they need a

team you need

your own team

so if we had a

team called the

Caucasians I

would be very

supportive I

think that’d be

very funny

I mean you

could go on

um you

could you

could use

this rinse

and repeat

this this idea

with any any

kind of quirk

I know the

the long

fringes

it’s just it’s

just that like

white people

would get upset

if you called

the team the

Caucasians and

the in the

logo was

vaguely

insulting

but they

wouldn’t see

the irony in

it that’s the

bit I like

I mean I

see the irony

I don’t think

it’s insulting

it’s just just

some just some

white guy

yeah but

that’s it

uh these

ones the

ones that came

up in the

search aren’t

the ones

because the

one I saw

originally was

the exact

logo of the

Indians

oh it’s this

one it’s this

one let me I

can get you the

specific picture of

the one I’m

talking about

because the

Indians one is

a caricature

and therefore

pretty insulting

yeah okay

yeah I don’t

know what the

original looks

like oh

Caucasians t -shirt

are hot sellers

on Canadian

Indian

reservations

and I fully

support that

well you

don’t fully

support it

unless you

have one

I was I

actually tried

to get one

um it was

just to get

it sent here

was ridiculously

expensive so

it wasn’t

worth so if I

ever go back

to Canada to

visit I would

have no problem

buying one I

would absolutely

support this

effort because I

think it’s I do

think it’s funny I

think being racist

towards white people

is just inherently

funny

it’s the reason

why there’s no

really good white

slurs

because in

America like

cracker I’m

like yeah okay

hurtful oh

there’s not

yeah those don’t

have the same

bite and they

don’t have any

impact because

you’re doing it

to a group that

has been in

power so yeah

I I’ve never

felt like any

white slurs

really land

none of them

hurt me you

have to go

personal

no same here

I can’t think

of a time I’ve

ever been insulted

by any of the

white slurs

not that I

called in

when you were a

kid did they

did the other

kids make fun of

you for your

name or anything

I got farting

martin and I

was like not

hurt at all

when I was

really little

people go Peter

Peter pumpkin

eater I’m like

that’s not

hurtful you’re

not doing this

right

that’s yeah

pumpkin eating

eating pumpkins

that’s not

painful in the

way you think

it might be

and then yeah

I got a Peter

cottontail and I

just I just I

remember I was

only like seven

or eight I just

stared at them

like that’s the

best you can do

like yeah

not even

peanut eater

that would be

better

no we were too

young we were

too young

yeah yeah

to actually have

that

no yeah

I think when I

was eight I

think we were

joking about

dicks

yeah but I

remember talking

about them but

yeah there was

no I didn’t know

anything yet

yeah yeah

like none of it

had any again

there was no

impact no

value to it

sorry to hear

you were you

were

a bully

even though it

didn’t work

yeah it didn’t

hurt

the only time I

was bullied

this actually had a

real impact on

my life

when I was

about again

seven or eight

christmas time a

little boy in

canada and I

don’t know how

to skate so I

got skates for

christmas now I

was embarrassed

that I couldn’t

skate and all the

other kids could

so there was my

elementary school

and they flooded

this area in the

winter time and

put like barriers

around it so it

would be like a

mini ice rink which

is very nice for

the kids so I

went out there at

night time

specifically so no

one could watch

me wobble around

and I was very

embarrassed about not

having this skill

that every Canadian

kid was born with

so I put on my

skates and I was

out in the middle

of the ice and

teenagers came

along and they

thought it would be

very funny to push

me around on the

ice I started

crying and they

would like spin me

and stuff because

like I immediately

went on my ass and

they just started

like pushing me and

I was like begging

them to stop and I

never skated again

that’s awful I went

home and you know

crying is bad crying

in sub -zero

temperatures means the

tears freeze to your

face so these these

these like red burn

marks down my cheeks

where the the the I’d

got basically frostbite

and so I went home

hang up my skates

never skated again to

this day I have never

skated again

then I started judo

oh and everywhere you

went you saw the faces

of those kids yeah

those kids if I’ve ever

found those kids again

would they be in their

60s or 70s by now so

probably some of them

were dead

yeah bitches

couldn’t escape death

do you know their names

you should search them

no no this was this was

this again these were just

random teenagers who came

across a kid and decided

to bully him a little bit

like they didn’t hurt me

hurt me but this was

emotionally a toll

well yeah I mean I I

count that pain with with

you know the traditional

pain they hurt you Peter

and they need to

at least say

they need to pay

in blood

I will say when you were

telling me that the story

going to the icy part in

the dead of night I was

expecting you to say

something like um the ice

broke and then you were

alone in oh it’s a it

was a field so there was

like they basically they

they put up a barrier and

then they they took a hose

and flooded it so there was

nothing under it like oh

sorry I wasn’t listening

the whole point of a podcast

sorry I missed that bit I

understand that yeah that’s

fine it’s fine because it

was in my elementary school so

it was just the field behind

my elementary school they

would just flood it so the

kids could skate there oh

that’s a really nice idea

though for Canadian kids who

can skate yeah and again I

normally they would go during

the day and they would go

there would be like maybe

adults around or something so

yeah oh did they do any

activities that you could

participate with so I lived in

Ottawa and every year they

would the the Rideau Canal

which goes through the middle

of the city freezes and so they

have like a festival a winter

festival and everyone skates

down the Rideau Canal and

there’s these little stands

with hot chocolate and they

used to call them elephant

ears but now they’re referred

to as beaver tails it’s just

fried bread with sugar on it

I walked

oh I was the little I was the

little kid wearing all black

sulking and just walking along

the Rideau Canal because I did

not skate

so not only could you not skate

you’re also a goth I maybe

that made me goth oh maybe

yeah yeah that’s what turned me

like to realize the world was

against me and I had to listen

to the cure yeah and all the

angst built up yeah what’s the

most Morrissey’s got to be the

goth

I don’t know I’m a bit I’m a

little bit

unequipped

um goth when I

maybe it’s probably before your

time

Morrissey was a lot of

knowing him is that like I I

dated girls who thought he was

amazing

and I was like this guy seems like

awful

wait why does he move for

oh uh

he now or then I mean he just

he’s he’s been pretty shit his

whole life

now he still does concerts and

he he has a cancellation rate of

47 percent

crikey

I know so basically he like

sells tickets and then cancels

the concerts and just takes the

money I don’t know if they

refund properly

but he makes a ton of money off

cancelling concerts now

how is that

legal

oh well welcome to the music

industry

no idea

goodness me

I thought when you had a

cancellation rate I thought his

his fans were deciding actually

I’m going to cancel

I thought that was that what

that meant

no he he’s he seems like he’s

been a piece of shit his whole

life

I’m not I don’t know enough I

just remember reading I don’t

know why I started reading about

Morrissey but yeah

read about him

because I thought he would be

dead or finished doing music

but he’s still doing concerts and

cancelling most of them

I had a I had a story

that I wanted to share with you

and it is about

it’s a Korean myth

it’s an origin myth

so you know

origin stories like how something

they

they explained how something

happened

hmm

I thought this one would be

again this goes into the whole

pinai thing

which is great thematically

because it matches so

okay

there was

there’s two versions of this

now I’m going to tell you the

one I heard originally

if you want to stop and ask

questions at any point

please stop

I’m going to stop and ask you

some questions as well

there was a Korean prince

and he was walking down

the side of a river

so a river bank

and he sees

a penis

floating down the river

now what

would you do

if you saw a penis

floating down the river

it’s the penis not attached to

anything

it is just a penis

I think if it was a body

they would have said a body

so it’s just a penis

floating down the river

is it floating upright

or is it lying on its side

I’m gonna say like

a log

like it’s just

it’s going with

the current

it’s

it’s a little

it’s not you know

turgid

so it’s

kind of going with the waves

and maybe a little

waggle in there

it’s nice

okay

springtime

kind of feeling to it

so if it’s

so if it’s floating

like a log

I’m assuming

that

as it spins

or as I’m

looking at it

I’ll

I’ll see a bloody

severed end

at some point

yeah this is a myth

so it’s pretty clean

oh okay

okay

in that case

it all

I would assume

it looks like a sausage

at this point

but yeah

this mythology

tends to like

erase bits

that don’t

make sense

scientifically

it’s just

an intact penis

that seems to have been

magically severed

from a body

oh intact

you say

okay

in that case

so what is your

what is your

oh okay

in that case

I literally thought

you were going to say

in that case

you were going to ask me

are you intact

are you

cut or uncut

I thought

no no no

I won’t be asking

those kind of

personal questions

no what would you do

so you’re

you’re walking along

you’re taking in

sort of a nice view

it’s a spring morning

and a little

a little penis floats by

I might

I might try to

wiggle my hand

in the water

to create a ripple

and see

how

how it

affects it

maybe

okay

but I don’t think

I’m touching it

straight away

okay

so this is where

you and the prince

are different

I am thinking about it

though

okay

so the prince

he wades into the water

and picks up the penis

just straight up

there’s a penis

it’s mine

he’s a prince

so he probably feels like

everything’s his anyways

so he picks up the penis

and then he goes back

to the shore

okay

so you’re

now

I’m going to keep

transposing you

into this situation

yeah

so now you’re standing

on the shore

of a beautiful river

in Korea

holding

a human penis

what do you do next

well

it’s not going to

interrupt my

day plan

so I’ll

I’ll keep walking

where I was going

but

I mean

I’m going to

hold it

and

I still don’t know

what the situation is

so I’m probably going to be a bit low -key about it

I might keep it

in my bag

or in my breast pocket

or something

I’m not sure

but

in your breast pocket

it’s pretty

but you see

this

I think that

you’re having

yeah

you’re a prince

you have

you don’t have to worry about getting in trouble

because you get other people in trouble

immediately pulls down his pants

and starts comparing

this penis that he’s found

to his own penis

now in the story

the penis now

adheres itself to his body

again

sort of magically

and

he now has

two peni

attached to his body

crikey

he goes back to the king

and he’s like

I have

double peni

this

could be an issue

going forward

now the king wants the prince

to get married

and have kids

so that the prince

can then become king

and have offspring himself

but the prince has two penises

so the king decides

he’s going to find a woman

with two vaginas

so that

yeah

he’s going to find a woman

with two vaginas

how do you think this goes

again you could do a little

prediction activity

how do you think this goes next

well not smoothly

I think

I don’t know how

how

this is probably

this is my

introduction to Korean mythology

thank you very much

I think

I’m trying to

guess how

brutal

or bloody

myths

from Korea

might be um if this myth from england i would assume that eventually i know a woman who wants

to be prince might carve herself a new vagina yep i can see that actually pretty good a knife or

something because it’s a bit grizzly isn’t it i don’t know my experience with korean media now

this is primarily modern media is always has a tragic end and that might come from their mythology

making as well and uh i’ve never found a myth that wasn’t brutal like they said they sort of i think

a lot of them we get they’re sanitized now because the end of rumpelstiltskin he like pulls himself in

half out of anger like yeah he stomps his foot into the ground so hard that he pulls his body in half

and he basically just explodes and dies so the myth making is generally sanitized now this is

again the origin of something that happens to the human body so the next thing they can’t find a

woman with two vaginas so the prince never gets married and he dies and he dies unfulfilled so he

becomes like most ghost stories when you still when you haven’t fulfilled something when you haven’t

done something you your your ghost doesn’t move on to the next plane or or i’m not sure what religion

they would have been at that time in korea probably some kind of like pantheistic kind of thing like

worshiping multiple gods i don’t know so i don’t want to make any statements on that

but he’s a ghost and he’s unfulfilled so he remains a ghost and he’s searching for something to put his

two penises into so this is gonna be the last question before i sort of do a reveal what does he

start putting his two penises into oh something with two openings for sure um yeah it’ll be what

oh no not the nostril yes he goes around and he puts his two penises in and has basically face sex with

people using their nostrils now what is this explaining in real life not hay fever is it

almost it’s basically you get a stuffy nose and that is the ghost injecting semen into your nose

and fucking your face so you can’t breathe and then you get a runny nose that’s the semen coming out of

your face crikey oh my goodness it’s one of my favorite stories because it’s just absolutely

bonkers because then you got like grandma i have a stuffy nose he’s like oh that’s because a ghost

is fucking your face right now yeah you slut how did you let this happen to yourself clean yourself up

yep it kind of leaves you with nothing to do i maybe this is a mistake because like

i found that one just flabbergasted i just was like shocked let’s see how this impacts behavior that

previously i considered just you know nothing uh people that um uh pick their nose

what is it what is it what is it what extra layers can we just well if you’re picking your nose

you’re essentially clearing the way for the ghost to get up in there yeah or the stuff that’s left

there getting it out that is true so if this is pre stuffy nose yeah you would be maybe the ghost

would consider it like a sensual thing like oh check out what i’m doing oh it might be like a sexual

seduction thing so i play with my nose and then the ghost is like that guy wants it

yeah let’s go bang his nostrils yeah versus post is just clean up yeah and people who are blowing

their noses yeah they’re trying to get it out squirting it is squirting

which the ghost might be into i mean the original the the second version of that story was the prince

was born with two penises okay i don’t i don’t i actually like the he found it in a river better

though it’s the way i heard it and it’s more weird it’s just weird i like that as well yeah i think

that that to me is is yeah very funny i like the the non -explanation part of that oh just just in a

river yeah no well because if you said there was a man walking along a river and he saw a penis i would

not ever go in that river again like that’s i would be stay as far away from possible as that river

because there’s human body parts in it well yeah but this prince probably didn’t have many worries or

um troubles in his life up to that point so thought like you said maybe the world belonged to him he

didn’t mind wading in river he’s a prince yeah yes i do i do think like yeah there is there is a

mental issue where it’s like yeah i growing up thinking that everything is yours everything is

yeah 100 his his way of seeing everything would be different like oh because like the queen

owns all the swans i guess king charles now the king owns all the swans so he could just go around

like kicking swans in the face and stuff like for him that’s nothing he could do that without any

punishment yeah if we did that that’ll be treason technically is it yeah it’s it’s it’s a it’s a

it is a crime like i get kicking animals in the face is probably a crime but kicking a swan in the

face in england is that like a more serious crime i think on paper um in the legislation of old england

and that still survives today i think uh it’s if you attack kill eat any any in any way harm a swan

in the uk it’s um technically counted as treason against the king usually you can be killed like

yeah it’s a capital punishment it’s not acted upon in the same way as it would have been

all those years ago if if some did the same thing if i kicked a swan i think it would be treated very

similarly to the act of animal cruelty but on the books it’s treason i read a story and it was a an

attendant to king charles and he called the attendant into his office and he said the uh there’s a piece

of paper can you please throw it in the trash for me now he was at his desk the piece of paper was on

the desk and the trash bin was next to the desk so he could have not even picked it up he could have

just pushed it off the desk and it would have fallen in the trash bin instead he called an attendant

to come get the paper and put it in the trash for him and i was like that that again is the the

difference in thinking of a prince king versus a normal person yeah that seems very much like

there’s been a few instances of of this yeah but it makes me wonder like does he know how to put it

into the garbage can because that’s really to me the issue for any sort of royalty is they maybe they

don’t learn how to do anything hmm i reckon he does but there’s just i i don’t even think it’s

correct to say that him calling the attendant introduced just do that is any kind of power

trip or anything i just think it’s so normal it’s the first instinct for someone in his position to

think oh that needs to be okay someone come do it it’s not that needs to be done someone else should

come and do it yes i just think that’s just been ingrained in his psychology since birth probably

yeah especially when you when the the the evidence that regular people have access to not evidence the

the people comparing the way the late queen lisa ii uh raised her kid kids versus how william and kate are

raising their kids there’s a there’s a big difference in how children and parents are interacting

and i think that’s got a lot to do with um with behavior and i don’t i can’t imagine not even prince

william or his kids doing that calling someone in to i think they they seem much more i don’t know

down to earth well they’re probably i think now because of media you have a lot more scrutiny anyway so

if you act like that people would they would tear you apart for it yeah i don’t know anything yeah

it’s it’s that that level of because you hear stories about like good kings and stuff and now

the stuff i hear about i’m like it’s inconceivable there’s no such thing you can’t be raised with that

mentality and be a good person because they’re not raising you to be like you have to care about

people you have to care about your realm it’s yours you can do whatever you want with it seems

like the attitude it seems like the institution you’re you’re raised to respect and uphold the

institution of the royal family and whatever that stands for whether it’s relevant in today’s world or

not i mean the royal family’s the opinion on the royal family is getting it it’s getting more um

i don’t know it as for a long point i think it was getting more negative as years went by but

seemingly people are resonating a bit more with the newer generation um i think their despise of

prince harry and and megan markle is actually making william and kate look better in the newer

generation’s eyes because i liked i learned about uh queen elizabeth in world war ii and she

was a mechanic she like fixed jeeps i thought that was really cool yeah so like she did something

and i know i know most of the royal family goes into the military but that i think that generally

doesn’t mean anything but i saw an interview i think it was harry the ginger guy um he was doing

an interview and they were like okay well you’re not supposed to go overseas because you’re a high value

target and he’s like yeah but i he basically snuck over to be with his regiment and then while he was

doing an interview over in afghanistan they an alarm went off and he just got up and ran he’s like no

this is more important and i was like i had some respect for him at that point because i was like he’s

gonna go get in a helicopter and go you know shoot innocent people maybe but he’s at least doing his job

like he’s like i care about my team so i’m gonna do my role to support my team which i thought was

very cool i could imagine that being his reaction in that moment yeah and then went and killed a bunch

of like innocent villagers you’re fixing on the wrong part peter yeah yeah it’s still very princely

i mean historically speaking this is appropriate going and going around and killing a bunch of

innocent people who live in a little village perfect there may or may not be rivers full of

penai afterwards yeah oh god they’ll just get blown off and all just happen to land in the same river

this guy walks around picks them all up sticks them all on his own body now now you have a new myth

of the penis monster oh maybe that’s um explains pins and needles

it is the exit like what it explained the putting two penises on and having it fuck your face is

such a disconnect from i have a runny nose

that is the bit that is the bit i think i found most entertaining is so so disconnected

it shows that you know at the time there was some right creative dirty bastards running around

in career

enter the mind of the academy

chuck my big chest where the best is a philosophy

drinking at lunch brings verbal skills like a sucker punch

woke up to cmr b

yeah yeah

uh cmr b yeah

yeah uh cmr b

yeah yeah

uh cmr b yeah

yeah yeah

Top and Bottom

We’re turning it into a very lad -oriented podcast.

Oi, oi.

When did Oi, oi become the lad?

Cool.

See, the thing is, I have never lived in the UK,

and so I heard that from comedians.

It’s pretty old, because the guys I listened to,

the British comedians I would have listened to,

would have been, like, when I heard them,

it was already quite old.

So I’m thinking it would have been, like,

late 90s, early 2000s.

You’re not walking around the UK hearing that sound,

from my experience, but…

No, but it seems like when people talk about it,

they make that noise.

It’s a bit mythical.

Mythical lad sound.

It’s very possible that no one’s ever gone oi, oi in their life,

and it’s just something that’s stuck.

Like one of those mental effects.

We all imagine them saying it, but they never actually did.

Do you have any of those in your life?

The most famous one for me is the Berenstain Bears,

and I actually now do not know how to spell it,

because I know it’s spelled one way,

but mythically is a different one.

That’s all I know about, because it’s from the internet,

but I’ve never grown up with those books in the UK.

I can’t think of a single one.

Because it is the Mandela effect.

Yeah.

And so what is it about Nelson Mandela?

I actually forget.

I think the actual fact was that Nelson Mandela died in prison,

which he did not.

Oh, okay.

I knew he didn’t think.

I think that was the effect that people believe is true.

I might be immune to that,

because I was still alive when he got out of prison,

so it was really big news.

Oh, okay.

So I bet it’s post that event.

People just think he died in prison.

Yeah, I didn’t.

I had no exposure to the events of that,

so I don’t know.

I can’t really appreciate the…

Well, that’s what I mean.

If you were born or at an age where news wasn’t getting to you,

not knowing that makes perfect sense.

I know at work,

I deal with people who are way younger than me,

and some of my coworkers who are older as well,

they can’t accept that these young people

don’t know some stuff that they know,

and then in my head I’m like,

yeah, but you’re talking about a movie

that was like 20 years before they were born.

Why would they know that?

No, yeah, that’s a good point.

And so I always do.

There are maybe staples.

Yeah, but even so,

when in your life,

how far back do you go before you were born

to assume something is still relevant?

If it’s a couple of years before you were born,

I’m like, there’s actually no reason

for someone to go back to that.

It might get pushed into their culture,

because in America,

they watch a movie every year at Christmas.

It’s a wonderful life.

So there is a chance people have seen that,

but now with TV falling to the wayside,

I actually assume that they’re not even

going to watch that anymore.

I don’t think anyone below my generation,

I wouldn’t assume that they’ve watched anything

because I’m more likely to assume

that they’ve seen a meme on TikTok,

the movie that’s well known.

Yeah, so what happened in the last group,

we did intake and I’m 53

and the youngest guy was 22.

And he and I shared more in common

because we both were clearly into the internet,

like deep into it.

So I made jokes.

He’s the only one who got some of my jokes.

And I thought that was really weird

because the guys were like 25 or 30.

They weren’t getting it

because they weren’t in the same little area

of the internet.

The internet moves fast as well.

So those three years make a big difference.

Well, I’m using the internet now

to try to maintain a certain level of relevance

so that I can communicate with people.

So like I know what they’re talking about and stuff.

Like when the first time I did it on purpose

is when Twilight got really popular.

And I was like,

well, I know this isn’t for me,

but I’m going to watch it

so that when people talk about Twilight,

I know what they’re talking about.

Like 10 minutes in,

I’m like,

I am not the target demographic for this film.

But I could at least admit like,

no, I don’t think they were going for,

again, I said that time I was probably in my 40s.

They’re not going for 40 year old men

who can mentally put themselves

in the mindset of a high school girl

who’s in love with a vampire.

I guess I could have maybe felt like the vampire.

The old creepy,

the 100 year old dude creeping on a high school girl.

That makes more sense.

Well, maybe they were intending for you, Peter,

to kind of relate to the dad.

He’s kind of worried about.

He’s useless though.

He’s like,

the Edward is clearly,

something’s going on

and the dad didn’t check it out

and he’s against the relationship.

Nah, man, he was useless.

He’s a sheriff.

Yeah, cops are useless.

Oh yeah.

We just turned into an anti -cop.

Well, we’ve got to talk about the topics that matter.

So, oh, should I do an intro?

I should do an intro.

This is the problem

is we start talking

and start having a good time

and then I don’t actually do an intro.

Enter the mind of the academy

Chalk my big chest

Where the best is a philosophy

Drinking at lunch

Brings verbal skills

Like a sucker punch

Woke up to CMRB

Yeah, yeah

CMRB

Yeah, yeah

CMRB

Yeah, yeah

CMRB

Yeah, yeah

Are you recording right now?

I start recording

basically as soon as we start talking

because then I could

I have a choice

I could play like a little pre -bit

and then the intro song

and then the podcast

or I could take the stuff we talk about

and then like move it to the middle or the back

I can do some editing

Okay

Oh, we should

one day

we should

we should stage a big fight

and we’re going to have

we’re going to fall out

we’re going to get

person and call each other names

and then clip that as the intro

and then just never get to that point

at all in the podcast

That’s a really good idea

I actually think

fake beef is very funny

Like I think

I think if you could

if I was famous

I would like

I would say shit about other famous people

who I’ve never met

Be like, yeah, yeah

that guy

that guy borrowed 50 bucks off me

and never paid it back

he’s a piece of shit

I never be like

oh my god

why

and they go to this other like

famous singer or something

and go like

why did you not pay back the $50

it’s just $50

he’d be like

I don’t know what the fuck

you’re talking about

I’m like

that’s what he always says

I don’t know what you’re talking about

I can see some people

doing that really well

and then other people

getting a seasoned assist

on you or something

There was

there was

The ones who will

will get it

and they’ll

carry along with it

There was a British actor

I saw a clip of him

the other day

I can’t remember his name

but he basically

didn’t like doing interviews

so he just lied

like he just said

whatever he wanted to say

in the moment

and he’s just like

well because

what matters

and he played

he played the role

of a gay dude

in a movie

and then the interviewer

is like

well was it difficult

for you to get into the role

he’s like

no because I’m gay

and he’s not

I was just like

oh that’s actually

really cool

Who knows that thing?

I don’t know

he was pretty old

and the clip I saw

was actually pretty old

as well

but he was just saying

like I hate interviews

they ask the dumbest questions

so I just say

whatever pops into my head

and you can tell

he’s like

because it doesn’t matter

this is a clip

of Michael Gambon’s

interview from Top Gear

to be honest

you are actually

quite famous

aren’t you

for making stuff up

in interviews

stories

yeah

well you have to

because I hate interviews

oh god sorry

well I do

I mean it’s awful

I just tell lies

so if someone

I know you did once

tell an interviewer

you were a member

of the Royal Ballet

yeah I said

that was a valid answer

at the Royal Ballet

what are you laughing at?

and he said

why did you give it up?

I said I fell off the stage

at the opera house

and went through

a kettle drum

then you told someone else

you were gay

yes

I said I was gay

the man said

you played Oscar

I played Oscar Wilde

he said

did you find that difficult?

I said no I didn’t

he said

what about the homosexuality?

so that annoyed me

you know

and I said

well I found that

very easy

because I used to be

a homosexual

and he was so thick

you know

he said

I said

but I was forced

to give it up

and then he asked

the question

he said

oh why was that?

why was that?

I said

because it made

my eyes water

and I thought

I thought he’d laugh

but he didn’t

he wrote it down

well that’s right

and if the purpose

of the interview

is to be entertaining

then

that’s entertaining

because if

is the point

of the interview

to get information

or to be entertaining

when you’re talking

to someone

who essentially

is not important

they’re just famous

they’re in a movie

promoting their movie

does anyone give a shit

if what you’re saying

is accurate?

yeah I think

entertainment

would actually

take a priority

I’d say

as long as

you’re not lying

explicitly about

the movie

as long as

the interview

drives people

to watch that movie

then everything

you say is fine

alright so

next time

we’ll do an interview

with you

and you can just

make up all your answers

you’ll be pretending

to promote a movie

and we’ll promote

the new Spider -Man movie

that you’re in

absolutely

which I definitely

am in

yeah

you would be

I think you’d be

a good Spider -Man

well

I couldn’t perform

any stunts

well they have stuntmen

and I wouldn’t look good

in a bodysuit

unless it was like a

you say that

added muscle bodysuit

they can do that

but I think

I think

essentially

if you’re going to

be a Spider -Man

you get like a

three month run up to it

where they would do

some training

so you would get

to your workout

and you would look good

like we can always say

there’s always a

base looking good

and then they can put

the muscle suit

on top of that base

I think you’d be

a great Spider -Man

I’m putting you up

for the next Spider -Man

like that’s the case

thank you very much

of all the superheroes

I do like Spider -Man

I’m not really into

superheroes

but I love

I love Spider -Man

and I love X -Men

I have never gotten

into X -Men

I think

I’d never read the comics

when I was a kid

and then

when I grew up

I started watching

the movies

and the movies

were not very good

and there was one

I think it was the third one

where there’s like

these big robots

that kill all the X -Men

and I thought

that was the best part

why didn’t you like

the movies?

they weren’t very good

I just

I think

I think when they have

a massive ensemble

cast

you don’t

form a connection

to any

any one of them

so if you didn’t

already know those characters

you did not give a shit

about those characters

I gave a shit

about the characters Peter

but you already knew them right?

you just said

you were already

into the X -Men

so that’s my point

no I wasn’t already

into that

I’m just

no no no

I said

I was into them

like from the movies

oh from the movies

which X -Men

did you like?

oh I loved

Mystique and Storm

I do like them as well

yeah

I mean but that’s just

because I would

like to do them

yeah

that’s why I’m going

yeah

I mean that’s

I think

it would be really fun

yeah

my base

for liking them

is pretty

fundamental

I don’t know

that’s it

yeah one track

speaking of Mystique

if you know

she’d probably be

the best partner

to have

because

by dating Mystique

you’re dating everyone

everyone that she can see

she’s transforming to

which actually

as I’m saying it

is very problematic

because

that’s

taking

the image of somebody

without letting them know

which

I do not endorse

well in the bedroom

in the bedroom

it would just count as like

dressing up or cosplay or something

but I

I would

I wonder if Mystique

would have an issue with it

where you’re like

hey could you be this tonight

so it’s

do you like Mystique

or do you like

that you can have the variety

I think there would always be that doubt

absolutely

because the scene

the scene

she’s in the bed

and she’s changing into

sexy ladies for some guy

I remember this scene really well

and he’s like

no no I want you

and then she changes into her

like blue form

and he’s like perfect

and I was like

oh there you go

that’s the right guy

that’s awesome yeah

I did like that part

he was like

I don’t

I don’t want

the fake stuff

you’re putting out there

for the world

I want you

I was like

nice

I don’t remember

if he was a good guy or not

well

he was

nice and

sensitive to her needs

and her feelings

in that moment anyway

who was your favourite

ex -person

because you named two

but that’s not

if you had to pick one

I really

I really like

what’s his face

I think he’s called Angel

ah yes

yes

he’s one of the

huge wings

yeah

it’s not a skill I would like

if I was one of the

mutants

I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t choose that one

over anything else

but I just like his story

how you get flashbacks of it

I don’t remember him being

a major character in the movies

that I watched

but

you had flashbacks of him

trying to clip his own wings

in the toilet

as a kid

because

he was

being bullied for

or something like that

and then

his dad thought

he was a monster

but then he ends up

saving his dad

using the power

that is that always

kind of

denied

and so

yeah

that was just a nice

little story arc

very predictable story arc

it was

I think it was in

one of the movies

where the dad is like

in a company

that’s creating a drug

that will repress

the mutant gene

and then

he wants to give it

to his son

and his son decides

he doesn’t want it

but do you think

the son has

hollow bones

because birds have hollow bones

to keep them light enough

to fly

so he must have hollow bones

which would make him

very fragile

well

scientifically speaking

yeah he must do

but yeah

he can’t really fight

that way

especially when

there’s these

superpower

strength mutants

they’re obliterating

wouldn’t they

yeah

no I

I always wondered

how much thought

they put into it

because he looks awesome

big hunky dude

blonde hair

big wings

I understand

but did anyone

take any time

to go like

but

you know

for him to be able to fly

he has to be

essentially very fragile

or super fast

I guess if he could be

super fast

no one could hit him

but you hit him once

he’d probably die

no that’s right

it would be like

punching a pigeon

and if you’ve ever

punched a pigeon

it’s super fun

let us know

in the comments

if you have punched a pigeon

let us know

send an email

to chunklebeefchest

at gmail .com

or speakpipe .com

slash chunklebeefchest

if you’ve punched a pigeon

or if there are any pigeons

listening

have you been punched

by a human

have you heard of

cuteness aggression

is the

I think mostly

harmless

effect we have

in our brains

if we see something cute

it brings out

some kind of

very light

aggressive impulse

that’s

you squeeze

cute things

or we say

do you know

do you know what I mean

you see something cute

maybe you clench your fist

a little bit

or you squeeze

your dog a little

maybe a little tight

then the dog

wouldn’t like you to

if you’ve ever experienced

that it’s called

cute aggression

I probably shouldn’t

put this

out in the world

but yeah

like if

cute girls

I like to like

push them around

wow

there’s tiny Japanese girls

like they’re adults

but they’re like tiny

and I like to like

shove them a little bit

well

you should stop that

yeah no

it’s an instinct

that I

I absolutely put effort

into repressing

but if like

I have a friend

who’s tiny

yeah like

picking them up

and throwing them around

and stuff

yeah it’s really satisfying

that is

oh god

that is

that’s gross

now that I say it

well that was

in the comments

if Peter’s ever

pushed you around

it’s not gonna be comments

it’s gonna be

a class action lawsuit

we found out

there’s 50 of us

we can sue them

and get a ton of money

except he’s poor

so we’re not getting

any money

we’re gonna take away

his 30 ,000 yen microphone

that makes his voice

sound better

30 ,000

crikey

well it

that’s why you say

okay

so this microphone

it’s the Shure microphone

and it’s because

podcasting and recording stuff

and making stuff

for the internet

it’s a hobby

so this is the

one of the few things

I put money into

because I’d bought

a really cheap one

to see if I was gonna do it

and then I bought a better one

and then I was like

I might as well

buy a good one

and just leave it at that

but when I got it

and plugged it into the computer

it had settings

and it had

make your voice

radio friendly

and then deeper

and softer

and then a little higher pitch

for more excitement

like the microphone

will focus in on

tones in your voice

wow

so I think

I’ve got it on

sexy sultry

I see

so that’s why it sounds

different and or better

than when we were talking

on the phone

you definitely have it

on sexy sultry

yeah where it’s like

on the phone

it’s really high pitched

and squeaky

and awful

you must have set mine

I don’t know

little girl

at school

voice

because that’s what I sound like

have you ever

actively tried to change

your voice

kind of for social reasons

or what not

okay

I used to laugh

a lot

and

I had sort of

a high pitch laugh

and it still happens

but I was

in high school

I was at my girlfriend’s

play

watching it

it was a

it was a funny thing

it was like a pantomime

almost

and so I laughed a lot

and they had recorded

the play

and then all the people

in the play

started making fun

of my laugh

and I basically

stopped laughing

after that

is that tragic

yeah it’s tragic

that’s tragic

so my girlfriend

thought this was very funny

haha

all my friends

were making fun

of your laugh

and then I don’t know

like I just stopped

laughing after that

so I laugh a lot less

than I did

when I was young

that’s awful

it’s okay

laughing is involuntary

no one chooses it

I would never make fun

of someone’s laugh

because

then what

they’re gonna do

stop laughing

like you’ve just said

yep

it’s alright

I don’t mind

I only cry a little

a bit at night

get over it

yep

no I already have

okay so last time

last time

you told me

a story

about the leaf

and I have been

obsessed with this story

since we spoke

this

okay

imagine

imagine this

okay so it’s

you go to the movies

and you sit down

and it’s black screen

it fades in

and you have

gentle

English village

sort of

maybe

a crane shot

sweeping over the village

to show that it’s

sort of quiet

and calm

and then there’s

sort of a gust of wind

and maybe a few leaves

not

it’s because it’s not

a dirty town

so there’s a few leaves

rustle through

and then it

the camera pans down

to a road

and there’s

a boy

in his school uniform

short pants

and he’s not skipping

but he’s

he’s walking

with a jaunt

and then

as he walks down

the street

he’s maybe even

humming a little

English song

like English rose

or something

and then

he gets to the corner

and then he turns

and suddenly

the giant black habit

of a nun

is looming over him

now I haven’t decided

if it should be

like a beautiful

porcelain face

to contrast the habit

or like an old

wizened face

to make it seem

more witch like

so that would be

something we need

to like maybe

test with audiences

yeah

she

she looks down

at the little boy

and reaches out

her hand

and he puts

just instinctively

because she’s a nun

puts his hand in hers

and she takes the leaf out

she puts it in

and then

she pushes it

and he sort of feels

that there’s that hard bit

in the middle

so he touches it

with his thumb

and it pierces his thumb

and a little drop of blood

goes into it

and then the blood

gets sucked into the leaf

which turns

sort of a different color

and then

I’m trying to get it

to decide

either it turns to ash

and blows away

or it absorbs

into his hand

and then

the nun disappears

I know

like I’ve taken the story

you told me

and I’ve just like

I’ve started building

a mythology around it

you have

I also worked

in a joke

I also worked in a joke

if you want

so she puts it in his hand

and she goes

you’re gay now

and that’s how

young boys become

gay men

but

it is a choice

but it’s not our choice

it’s the nun’s choice

I didn’t want to make

that joke at first

but I was like

oh that’d actually be funny

if the curse

was actually just

you’re now

a gay boy

but

every aspect

of that story

is the beginning

of a horror movie

to me

and like you told it

it was almost innocent

well that’s

because I was experiencing it

I didn’t think anything of it

but as an outsider

when you

when you kind of

not this instance

where it’s all dramatic

but in the last

last conversation

you did say

how weird it was

and I kind of

yeah

I think you’re right

you see it now though

yeah

I do

and then if we put

like it was all

sort of gentle

harmonious music

little

not even upbeat

but just you know

gentle and

pipes and stuff

for the English countryside

and then when the nun

puts the leaf in your hand

it gets into like

trilling

trilling violins

yeah

yes

I know exactly

what you mean

yeah

it’s a horror movie

from that point on

you said

she kind of whispered

you’re gay now

however

the audience

having previously seen

the jauntily way

I was walking

thinking

yeah we know

especially if I am skipping

well

it was

it was just one of those things

where I was like

there’s a joke in there

I don’t know if it’s okay

for me to make her nuts

I don’t know if I should

but it was just

the idea of the voice

it was just the really gentle

really quiet

you’re gay now

would just be really

really funny

but then

it is the point

the only decision

left to be made

does the boy

become the horror

or is it like a curse

and all the horror things

happen to the boy

so I haven’t

that would be the next part

because then events

have to start occurring

in more increasing

you know

seriousness

exactly yes

and also

that would also

answer your question

of either being absorbed

into the skin

or being blown away

as ash

because if it was

happening from within me

then I should absorb it

yes

if it was happening

to me

it should be the ash

the ash

yeah it goes out

into the air

and the atmosphere

around you

yeah

yeah no that’s right

that’s pretty good

that’s great

okay

actually I had

an idea

to talk about

that this kind of

brings into

because you’ve kind of

reshaped

and reframed

my memory

of this story now

and actually

I think

now that you say it

that’s when I

I did

become gay

yeah

that was

the exact point

but

I would love

if I

because I only have

a few gay friends

because I

you can only have

so many friends

in Japan

but like

I thought you were

going to say

if you can only

deal with so much

gay people

okay so

I have

one of my friends

who’s gay

spend a lot of time

online together

so he’s sending

memes

he has

so harshly

altered my

algorithm

that every

company that

collects that

information thinks

I’m gay

because he’s

always sending

me like

buff dudes

flexing their

butt in a

bikini

in the camera

he’s sending

me like

and I like

watching it

I’m just not

into it for

the same reasons

I’m always just

like oh that’s

fascinating

as an outsider

but

companies must

think I’m

closeted

they must

yeah

maybe

anyway

sorry

do the

companies

think you’re

a top

or a bottom

that’s what

I want to

know

oh you’ve

opened a

door you

maybe shouldn’t

have opened

so I have

this as again

as an outsider

is it

acceptable

for me

in a

conversation

to ask

if you’re

a top

or bottom

when I’m

not

trying to

participate

so just

as a query

of interest

because I’m

interested in

you

so I don’t

want it to

sound malicious

but like

let’s say

you and I

are just

talking

and I

find out

you’re

gay

and I’m

not gay

and I just

go are you

a top

or a bottom

is that

rude or not

I’d say

if we don’t

know each

other so much

or haven’t

had a rapport

established

it does get

my back up

because

I’ve been

asked that

before

I was once

introduced

to the

friend

of a

very good

friend

of mine

so the

very good

friend

he can

say

whatever

he wants

I’m

fine

but his

friends

I think

especially

in England

I’m

very easily

clockable

as gay

so they

kind of

picked up

on that

and then

they asked

kind of

sheepishly

are you

a top

or a bottom

and that

just got

my back

up straight

away

because

I didn’t

know

more than

one thing

about each

of them

and

that’s

what they

want to

know

that

I thought

I just

kind of

replied

with a bit

of a joke

because I

didn’t want

to make

the situation

awkward

because

like I

said

I’ve

got my

good friend

that was

there

but

I thought

that’s

you don’t

need to

know

because

we’re not

gonna

we’re not

gonna do

that’s right

because in

my head

it’s like

it’s clearly

none of my

business

but

should we

have a

conversation

later

maybe that

would be

valuable

information

so I

was like

I know

I’m pretty

sure

it’s not

okay

but let’s

say we

become

friends

later

it might

be worth

knowing

because

could be

your

wingman

right

and it’s

like I

know

so if

you and

I were

hanging

out

we live

in different

cities so we

don’t get to

hang out

but let’s

say we’re

hanging out

and okay

I don’t

know if

we’re where

we are

but there’s

a guy

and he’s

kind of

I would

need to

know what

you’re

into to

be to

help you

with that

situation

well in

that situation

I can see

your logic

yeah

yeah but

I think that

actually answers

my question

which I if I’d

really thought

about it I

could have

figured out

where’s like

you have to

have more

rapport and

more of a

relationship

before that

comes up

that’s

important

I think

that’s

pretty fair

because you

would never

go to a

straight person

and go like

do you like

your penis

or something

because

yeah

I can’t

there’s no

equivalency

to a

hetero couple

no I know

what you mean

just from the

what you’re

doing with

them and

stuff but

yeah

it’s like

if a

complete

stranger

like the

situation

I said

if in

that

situation

I’m also

thinking

for a start

they’ve asked

me and they

don’t know

anything about

me but

also what’s

the intention

beyond the

question because

there are

certain

perceptions

that somebody

who just

maybe if you

don’t know

so many gay

people there

are certain

perceptions and

stereotypes

that you’d

rely on

given you

knew if

they were

top or

bottom

typically

if a guy

said oh

he’s a

bottom he’s

probably a

bit girly

a bit femme

that’s a

stereotype and

it’s not always

true

or they might

think oh he’s a

top he’s a bit

of a foot boy

or whatever

I don’t know

the stereotypes

that somebody

might think

if they’re not

in that world

I don’t want

to assign any

stereotypes to

me based on

the answer I

give

I’m also

thinking about

that

yeah

but having a

rapport and

laugh with

somebody that

that kind of

really alleviates

this tension

around the

question so

I’ve been asked

many times by

people I’ve been

fine to answer

because I when I

had a son when

when my wife was

pregnant and I

remember talking to

a group and there

was this really

like party dude

and he clearly was

not comfortable with

his sexuality yet

really he was

very like

heteronormative and

and he was like

what if your son’s

gay and I

because I think I

had made a joke

earlier it was like

you know he’s

gonna be good

looking and tall

and have all the

attributes he’s

gonna be drowning

in pussy I

probably made a

joke like that

and then the

guy’s like what

if he’s gay and

he was trying to

make it I think

he was testing the

water to see if

we shared the

same feeling like

oh that’s a

scary world and

we don’t want a

part of it and I

just said oh well

then he’d be just

like slobbering

cock because he’s

still gonna have all

the positive

attributes that make

him attractive to

other people and I

want him to be

happy so if he’s

straight or gay I

do not care

I just want him

to get as much

as he can which

he’s really

disappointed me with

if I’m being honest

he just hasn’t

gotten any like it’s

interesting he’s all

the people are like

straight or gay is

the issue I’m like

no he’s not getting

any so the

disappointment here

is is strong because

when I was his age

that’s all I wanted

to do was try to get

as much as I could

and I’m like I he

hasn’t gotten my

hormones or my

drive or something

he’s missing something

that I had and it’s

the reason that

Japan’s population is

dropping

well not if he was

gay that wouldn’t

affect it would it

yeah but at least

he’d be active

yeah

oh your poor son

it’s funny because the

pressure that different

parents put on their

kids and I’m like why

aren’t you getting

any

I think this is a

more common pressure

than than we assume

I think a lot of

dads even if they’re

kind of maybe um

bit outwardly

more conservative

reaction maybe

inside the thing

they’re thinking

get it yeah

yeah yeah I think

that’s pretty true

I never could or

whatever

yeah because when

he graduated high

school and they’re

all taking pictures

together there was

like a line of

little high school

girls who wanted to

take their picture

with him before he

left and I was like

I would have

exploited that

situation so hard

but I think that

might be why I

wasn’t that successful

because I would have

been come across as

relatively desperate

where he because he

doesn’t seem to be

particularly interested

in anyone that’s

attractive

beliefness is very

attractive yeah

yeah it’s yeah I

wish I’d known that

in our history

yeah he does have

that because he’s

just empty this is

why beautiful dumb

people are so

attractive is because

you think there’s

something in there

when there isn’t

well that’s the

mystery it’s like

oh what’s he feeling

and then if you

actually went into

his head it’d be

like an echo chamber

of like blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah

like if you solve

the mystery it’d be

the most disappointing

moment of your life

there is there’s

something endearing

about maybe how

do I wear it maybe

like a visual cue

of or a tangible

cue of somebody’s

maybe lack of

knowledge there is

something endearing

about that that’s

why pigeons are

so stupid because

I think they’ve

evolved to become

less intelligent to

garner some kind of

pity or attention

from the humans

that now feed

them and continue

their survival

well because I

read that baby

animals they have

like big eyes and

they’re super cute

and that’s so that

in certain situations

hopefully there’s a

chance that a

predator will not

eat them it might

take them under their

wing because they’ve

had when a lion

chases away or

kills the leader of a

pride they tend to

kill all the babies

but evolutionarily

speaking that’s

you that’s what you

want to have happen

because you only want

your seed to be

passed on but if

they’re cute enough

you might take pity

on them and then

that will help that

line survive a little

bit and so that was

one of the reasons

baby animals are so

cute is because

they’re they need to

be protected

no I see what you

mean I see what you

mean so yeah it’s

it must be some kind

of evolutionary tactic

well we we’re born

to like I think big

eyes and stuff like

that is inherent we

are designed to

believe that’s

attractive cute not

attractive

god damn

to find that

you are incriminating

yourself on this

well that was that

was I meant

attractive but not

in the way it would

come across

I took it in the

way that you meant

I meant I meant

an appealing

characteristic the

problem is again

because of my job I

talk so much I have

to listen to what I

say to make sure I

don’t say something

that could be

misinterpreted so as

I’m saying stuff

sometimes I’m like

well that’s not the

right way to phrase

that gotta gotta

rephrase that one

before I finish this

sentence yeah

don’t know any of

those complaints

coming through yeah

like but attractive is

an appealing traits

that humans find like

so that’s why like our

babies we find big

heads so it’s not

like the baby’s the

baby looks like that

and we’re genetically

programmed to believe

that’s cute have

you ever seen an

ugly baby absolutely

yeah yeah do you

what do you say

you just go oh

in my opinion because

I’m not a baby person

um I’ve my ratio I’ve

seen more uglies than

cutes it’s again I

think I think the

parents are genetically

triggered to think

their babies are cute

my wife when my son

was a baby so still in

like a pram uh she

was out and then this

other lady got on the

same elevator and she

looked over and looked

at because they always

look at each other’s

babies they’re comparing

but then this mother

that we didn’t know

had no relationship

with just looks at

her baby and goes

you lose oh that’s

awful I know I know

and my wife was like

horrified and happy

because like she just

admitted that our baby

was cuter than her

baby but also it’s like

don’t say that yeah

that’s that’s kind of

scratching scratching

maybe like a motherly

ego but also the

motherly instinct to

protect the children

and she’s kind of

scared she’d be yeah

okay you lose but

Japanese society when

it comes to like uh

body shaming and stuff

is just so blatant it’s

terrifying it’s I’ve

noticed physical traits

are kind of dealt with

more practically less

less sensitively than

we do in the west it’s

just everything’s a joke

if it’s not if you’re

not so like I’m I’ve

been losing my hair a

little bit for maybe

the last 10 years

pretty normal um but

now now it’s basically

the good bits are gone

so I basically shave it

all the way down but

if I want to make a

group of Japanese

people laugh I just say

I’m losing my hair not

even a joke like there’s

no setup or anything I

just go I’m losing my

hair they will start

laughing and I’m I

think that’s the

weirdest thing ever I

was like that’s like I

didn’t even make a joke

I just said a fact I’m

losing my hair and they

just burst out laughing

laughing that’s really

funny it’s messed up

it is messed up because

it’s because when you

can’t say the joke you

have to assume that

they’re just laughing at

this misfortune that’s

before when you yes

yeah which isn’t nice

is it I had a I had a

it was my first or

second year in Japan so

like 2002 maybe and I

had one of those like

they were like 14 year

old girls it was like

six girls in this class

together and they just

despised me and I I

didn’t know I hadn’t

done anything yet like

this was literally day

one they’re like ew and

I was like okay I don’t

I I want it so I spend a

lot of time trying to be

friendly and nice and

there was it was it was a

ringleader one girl and I

went to the the staff at

the school and I was like

this girl she seems to

hate me and they go oh

yeah she doesn’t like men

and I was like oh I what

do I do with that I’m I

can’t fix that but she

really wanted to hurt my

feelings which I that is

also quite funny but she

really wanted to hurt my

feelings so she goes up to

the whiteboard she goes you

are m and I was like what

like I was like she’s

saying I’m a masochist but

I didn’t want to like open

that door either so she

goes you are m and I’m

like I don’t I don’t know

what that means she puts an

m on the board on the

whiteboard I’m like okay

she goes you are m and I’m

like I don’t still that

doesn’t make any sense so

then she put eyes in a

mouth under the m and she

was talking about my

hairline because I had I

had like a widow’s peak so

she had she she made an m

shape for my hairline and

said you are m and she

was just waiting for me to

break down and I thought

it was very funny

doing that what why would

she want to break you down

like that because you hate

somebody just hate them

like attacking you yeah

high school girls are mean

like they’re just the

psychological warfare like

they should study that

because they they will go

for your weakness at the

time I’ve never been

particularly self -conscious

about losing my hair so

it’s not a big deal I

would rather not but I

don’t care like it

doesn’t bother me so it

didn’t hurt my feelings I

thought it was a very

funny joke so I started

laughing really hard and

you could see that she was

she felt defeated she was

like this was supposed to

be the one that broke him

and I was like no man that

was a good joke way to go

I mean if she tried on

someone else it might have

broken them but yeah yeah

on a different person it

actually would have been

really hurtful because I

yeah so I made a proposal

for a course and it was a

business course and of

course I had to put some

fake charts that we would

maybe be studying in the

class so one of the charts

I made was Peter’s hair

over time and it started

at zero and then it went

up and then it hit this

kind of peak and then it

started going down and

then there was like a

predictive part where it’s

like is going to go down

to zero or is it we’re

going to find like a cure

for baldness and it goes

back up again and it was

just oh yeah it was just a

very like throwaway joke

but it’s like here would be a

chart with fake information

that we would then discuss

with the clock the guy who

had to approve the project

was losing his hair and was

deeply offended by this joke

and refused my proposal is

what I was told oh my goodness

so I realized you can’t you

can’t put jokes in anything

like you want actually taken

seriously in a business

situation because yeah it drew

attention to something he was

self -conscious about he’s like

I hate this so that means that

the the self -conscious part of

him is driving his thoughts he

can’t kind of see if it was me

I would imagine this chart with

any other topic being displayed

the topic doesn’t matter to what

the proposal is isn’t it yeah

well I was just filling in a

blank space it could have just

said chart but yeah I was like

I’ll make a chart and then oh

here’s an opportunity for me to

like maybe because it wasn’t his

hair over time it was my hair like

I literally was making fun of

myself exactly yeah but he he

just couldn’t handle it hit a

nerve yeah well yeah again so

like I realized like I started

telling my students my students

like I will make jokes about

losing my hair but if you meet

another western person it could be

really sensitive so don’t do it

so I like I realized like the

cultural aspect of teaching is

sometimes like what is okay and

not okay to make fun of is

actually a really big deal because

yeah fat shaming on TV is a

really big thing in Japan I mean

that it is that bugs me and I’m

not even like out of shape that

much I mean and it’s also in

daylife you’ll see businesses but

businesses that kind of to a

western standard insensitively

named depending on what body type

they’re catering to whether it’s

plus size or whether it’s skinny

sizes yeah yeah it’s it’s not the

note don’t have any punches over

here do they Asia is pretty

hardcore when it comes to body

there was a trend on the

internet where everyone was like

crapping on cultural appropriation

and there was some little white

girl and she wanted to have like a

kimono Japanese tea ceremony and

all these all these it was always

western people saying like that’s

horrible and then all these

Japanese people were like no we

really like that she wanted to do

this thing and then there was this

girl wearing a Chinese dress and

all these other people all these

white people in the west were like

it’s cultural appropriation she

shouldn’t be allowed to wear that

dress and they went to China and

said like what do you think and

they’re all like oh she lost a

couple pounds it’d look great

so I was like it was it was it was

it was a whole different way of

looking at the exact same thing

which was real cultural insight as

to what was important to them

because they were like in China

cultural appropriation is not a

thing it’s a great dress she needs

to fit it

yeah do the dress justice

that’s um yeah this is something I’ve

seen on the internet um cultural

appropriation I’m sure that many

communities or some communities it

can be harmful but a lot of the

videos I’ve seen reactionary videos

the culture that’s supposedly been

appropriated doesn’t seem to have an

issue with it no no that there was a

couple videos that came out

yeah there were a couple videos that

came out and it was like purposefully

like I’m going to make a

stereotypical the one I saw was

Mexican so sombrero and fake mustache

and all these people were saying all

these people at a university were

saying it’s horrible and they went to

Mexico and they’re like oh yeah it’s

funny it’s great like they had they

loved it

yeah hmm and all the reactions I think

in a video like that you can cherry

pick the ones you’re going to show

can’t you

oh they must be

people that were reacting positively

yeah they seemed pretty happy about it

about um if even if it was a bit of a

cartoonish display of the culture it was

a display I don’t know um they seemed

happy that there was some kind of um

mingling of cultures sharing them

yeah I was like you what was your

topic that you brought up oh yeah you

brought up a you have a topic like 30

minutes ago yeah but then but then we

went on to the horror movie yeah and

you you told me the plot twist yeah I

was going to say um have you ever seen

those videos online that take all the

music out of the original medium media

and then they switch it with something

else or they leave it blank just to show

you how either messed up or how um

different to the original atmosphere

this video is well for example um have

you seen the movie Mrs Doubtfire yes

Ron Williams um this is a movie I’d say

just to harp on about something we talked

about before this would be if somebody my

age hadn’t seen this movie I’d be quite

surprised um but Mrs Doubtfire is a comedy

movie about a guy who is I think

divorced separated from his wife and

isn’t in a great position where he can

see his kids a lot so he um gets help to

transform himself using um prosthetics

and just general acting into an old lady

and he poses as the perfect nanny for

his kids and his ex -wife and his kids

can’t recognize him as their dad because

he’s a good actor he’s good at pretending

to be a lady and it’s built up as this

heartwarming comedy um oh what’s he like

kind of kind of movie but taking all the

music and all the comedy beats out of the

trailer and replacing it with typical

thriller -esque design and makeup it looks

it looks really frightening how he’s um he’s

coercing people into kind of believing he’s

somebody he’s not and it’s a really good kind

of change of atmosphere have you ever seen

anything like that I’ve seen stuff like that

I’ve seen stuff where they swap out the music

for yeah like a light -hearted movie for heavy

music and then it’s but if you just a lot of

movies especially comedy movies if you just

take the actual premise and like say it out

loud so mrs doubtfire you have a man who

disguises himself to infiltrate his separated

wife’s home without her knowing so he can

spend time with the kids he’s not allowed to

see like that’s horrible that’s the premise

of the film that is a guy who should be

arrested should be put in you know clearly

shouldn’t be around kids if he’s willing to

do this like that this is all insane stuff and

I believe at the end of mrs doubtfire they get

back together again I don’t remember it was

been too long that wouldn’t happen in real

life though no you would find out that this

guy disguised himself and came into your

house you would have him arrested and like

a restraining order immediately yes yeah so

yeah we should maybe we should do that like

go away for a couple weeks try to find some

comedy movies and just like write the premise

of the film or write the premise of the film

see if you can guess what movie it is and then

decide is it a horror movie is it like a

thriller is it a comedy movie yeah yeah

describe them as air bones as possible

revenge of the nerds was a movie I grew up

with which is a terrible tear it would not

have aged well but the the climax of the

movie is oh it’s got like really bad racist

jokes and stuff in which I guess were funny

in the 80s and 90s but not they wouldn’t

make it now you wouldn’t even be allowed to

put it on the screen it’s always changing

yeah yeah but the end of the I think the

first movie this girl the head cheerleader

has sex with what she thinks is her

boyfriend but he’s wearing a Darth Vader

Darth Vader mask and it turns out to be the

nerd and it’s okay because he’s so good at

sex no that’s awful right my goodness this is

sexual assault this is just straight up

sexual assault it absolutely is and but and

she’s like how are you so good he’s like

jocks only think about sports and nerds

only think about having sex and I was like

no you just sexually assaulted that woman

like she should be terrified and horrified

and you should go to jail now yes absolutely

but this is the climax of a comedy film in

the 80s oh my goodness well yeah

oh crikey yeah mrs doubtfire the premise

of that film like if you just if you came

into a studio exec’s office and they said

like well here’s my elevator pitch man

dresses up like a woman so that he can get

into his ex -wife’s house so he can spend

more time with the kids he’s not allowed

to see and they’d be like oh yeah thriller

movie and they like fight at the end it’s

like no they get back together because it’s a

comedy yeah we’re on we’re on the guy side

for the entire movie yeah yeah we really

want him to succeed at this there was a

youtube video that analyzed all the crimes

that are committed in mrs doubtfire by the

by the character and um and based on the

laws in the time that this movie is set

um he estimates how what the consequences

are how much prison time has this guy um

accumulated through all the actions in the

movie and it’s i think maybe it’s

substantial oh i know yeah because a long

time because every instance of him coming

into the house is probably illegal because

they’re separated he’s not supposed to be in

that house he’s not supposed to be around

those kids that’s it’s a separate crime like

yeah yeah you’re stacking endangerment you’re

stacking crimes and it’s i guess probably also

fraud because he’s pretending to be someone he

isn’t so he can get a job like beyond just the like

that that’s that’s fraud and he probably has said

he’s he’s a nanny so he’s like falsified his

background yeah and there’s so much

there’s scenes where he there’s some chaos at a restaurant

i think that that actually um has lawsuits involved as well

yeah yeah it’s been too long since i’ve seen it so i don’t remember but i

actually it would be pretty easy to go through and be like yeah he should be

in prison for like the next decade

because this is fascinating what yeah i’m trying to think of any comedy movies

i’ve seen recently i haven’t watched a lot of comedy lately

but most of them have like a lot of its couple stuff and so the couple

stuff is always really shady because it’s funny

because it’s ludicrous because it shouldn’t happen but it shouldn’t happen

probably because it’s illegal yeah and we see we see these two characters on

screen reacting kind of whimsically to what’s happening it kind of it lets us

slide by all the problematic stuff pretty easily as we’re watching unless you’re

particularly astute to it but re -watching stuff with a with a with a

with a new eye that’s that’s with a critical mindset yeah i haven’t i haven’t

yeah because when you watch the movie you’re not thinking about it you’re just

like following the story but exactly you went back and be like okay

i’m gonna like critically see because in action movies there’s a lot of times

where you’re killing security guards and stuff who are essentially innocent

and i’m like absolutely when you’re killing bad guys and gang members and

stuff okay within the movie premise it’s fine because they’re bad people

just inherently but i’m like you know not all of them actually are bad

they’re just in a tough situation but yeah sometimes they’re going into like a

building and i’m like that security officer had a family and he didn’t do

anything he’s been hired by an evil company it’s not his fault everyone’s

hired by an evil company like i’m working for an evil company exactly

yeah it’s very very true everyone’s working for an evil company you can’t get

away from that part so some guy comes in and like shoots me is that okay because

i wanted to support my family it’s actually not okay but they never

it’s never important to explain this in the movie’s plot so it’s not but have you seen what

they oh i forget which austin power movie it is they address this exact um exact point

um have you seen austin powers i’ve seen yes yes well in this movie whichever one it is

um this stuff happens austin powers the international spy goes in saves a bunch of people

kills a bunch of henchmen and it cuts away to a nice suburban house of a mother child

just enjoying pancakes um the sun’s shining through the window she gets a call so her husband’s been

killed and they it’s a very fourth wall breaking they’re all they’re both sobbing and saying oh

it’s been crushed by uh what was the death i think it was a steamroller death there was a steamroller

death that is extended because it’s moving really slow yeah yeah that was that was a really memorable

scene yeah the joke that was that he could easily have moved out of the way and so they make it they

make it last for about two minutes yeah yeah well this guy’s family um are weeping over his death

saying oh no one ever thinks about the security cards families or i can’t believe what she says but

it’s the gist of what you’re saying yeah well the the joke i saw that really brought it home for me

was like you’re playing a any any sort of shooter and then he was like i would like games to sort of

sort of overlap and so like you you play a shooter and you kill a bunch of people because that’s what

you do in a shooter but then you’re driving you’re playing a driving game a racing game later and the

audience you see the son of one of the men you killed oh it doesn’t make sense it’s just so okay

it’s just a joke he’s like so you’re playing call of duty and you kill a man yeah and then the next

game you play is let’s say a driving game a racing game and in the audience is the son of the man you

killed so you suck yeah he’s like he’s really angry at you he hates he’s really anti whatever

you whatever you’re playing in that game but he’s you’ve i was like actually as a premise that’s

really interesting that you could have like effects roll over into other games is that possible could

they do that uh if you owned both ips you could try to and then if you could track people’s memory

cards yes you could actually do something like that because i would love that to be a thing

metal gear solid would read your memory card and then say so it was like an interrogation scene

and he was like oh you’ve played a lot of final fantasy like and he’s talking to you the player

not you the character in the game because the game read your memory card to see what games you’d

played the most time on it it couldn’t give you any details but like it always keeps track of how

much time and so it would pick one of the one of the games you’ve played the most like maybe the top

two and the character would look around if he had the voice line for that be like oh yeah you’ve played

a lot of tekken oh yeah that’s that’s um that’s a really good idea that’s that’ll creep me out if i if i

if i heard that i was gonna say what’s what’s a really random like embarrassing game it could

mention you’ve played a lot of um barbie’s wonderland

but what would be like a all the games have trophies and achievements and stuff now and then so there was

uh near automata the main character had a short skirt and if she climbed up ladders players would

try to get the the camera under her skirt but she would actually swipe the camera away but if you did

that x amount of times you got a trophy for it like you know bad boy kind of thing and then in

the yakuza games if you what there was one of the games where you could go to this thing where you

called girls on the phone and if you could get them excited enough like you would essentially

masturbate and then you got a trophy for that and it was a really embarrassing trophy name like it was

one you kind of didn’t want to get and there’s so there’s been a bunch of games like lollipop chainsaw had

the same thing where you could try to look up the main character’s skirt and she would kick you away

but a game could look at the trophy list and go you’ve gotten this trophy you dirty dirty boy

yeah they’d know exactly what you have to do to get that as well because it is it is

explicit as to what you had to do to get the trophy i do like these strange very specific trophies i do

like um reading about them there’s obviously there’s like the generic ones oh you completed level five

or whatever yeah milestone trophies but yeah but um but i do like the really odd

you either have to do this by accident or research how to do it because i’ll generally i don’t care

about trophies but i do read the trophy list and i saw the near automata one for looking up her skirt

and i hadn’t looked up her skirt yet so i actually just wanted to see like what does she do so she like

hides her she holds her skirt down so you can’t see up it or she’ll like slap the camera and the camera

will like fly away and then come back um but then i was like oh if you do this 10 times you get this

trophy i was like well i’ve done two might as well finish that one as well so i did i got that trophy

i got the yakuza trophy for essentially masturbating in a booth oh crikey yeah it was pretty funny

i mean just i think it’s a game is it voice acted yeah oh yeah yeah the they always they always they

always have these so so they always have these like weird mini games like there was this one that

happened in sort of old japan and i have a video of it that i can send you after but it’s it’s you

have to drink with a prostitute but this is like a high class one because it’s the edo period so it’s

like a geisha so you drink with her and if you get her drunk enough you play rock paper scissors and

if you win rock paper scissors she starts taking off her clothes and then you have a mini game which is

your character flying around but you’re trying to avoid all the stressful stuff and if you get far

enough you make her orgasm oh crikey it is one of the weirdest ways because you never see anything

like there’s sexy top down shot of down her her decolletage kind of thing but you don’t see any

actual sex it’s but it’s all like this weird implied stuff which made it way funnier yeah yeah

brikey okay it’s a bit one -sided though isn’t it well you see her decolletage that is decolletage

oh he he gets his shirt off you you uh as as the character as the character who’s flying through the

like the bullet hell of stressful things which is also very funny he’s he’s just wearing the

traditional japanese like white sheet underwear and he’s really built oh i see like the whole point

of this character is he’s really really built so you there’s a little bit there for you i mean again i

think the people who make it are kind of heteronormative is the word but yeah but they

still put in a little bit for you know maybe the ladies or other people playing the game yeah fair

enough i always make a big deal when he takes off his shirt i’m like god damn yeah because they rip off

his shirt and show his tattoo every game every big fight every boss fight he takes off his shirt

and it’s awesome okay it’s like intimidation it’s it’s funny because he’s wearing a button

down shirt with a collar but he like pulls it from the side and just rips the whole thing off like it’s

a tear away maybe he’s maybe he’s rigged it himself so he can have that dramatic moment almost a joke in

the game because there was one guy wearing like a shirt tie and jacket and he pulled it off in one go

to take off so he’s just wearing topless but there’s nothing better than that nothing better

than sweaty men fighting and i don’t know how ironically you’re saying that no i i i actually

am on in both parts as a joke and seriously i am 100 on board excellent well we agree on that i can

appreciate no i can appreciate the male form and uh uh i also think it’s very funny that i i think it’s

because in my life i when i was young i was trying to be manly and then i kind of like hit the rubicon

where i’ve gone so far into the manliness that it’s actually funny like i do manly men things and

i know how stupid it is that i’m doing this but i’m still doing it like i’ll do that yeah but it’s

self -awareness yeah i know how dumb i am but i’m still doing it because it’s fun this um conversation

about the yakuza game it’s reminding me of um i seen a level from god of war which i never played

but um i know that there’s a sex kind of i have played game yes i’ve played all the god of wars

you’re talking about the first game where you is it aphrodite i think it’s there’s a series there’s

maybe it happens three times in the game maybe aphrodite might be the last one but it’s it’s you do just

bang some chicks i don’t remember if they’re gods or not but the mini game is essentially

if i remember correctly it’s like rolling the joystick and i think that’s supposed to be like

simulating motion and then every now and then pressing an x which might be like a power move

yeah okay because i remember there was some kind of button control whether it’s like a

um a rhythm based thing or whatever i don’t know what it would if it was rhythm based i would

not be good at it i’m terrible at rhythm based games just banging away at the x button well

unfortunately is what it would happen it’s too bad that is my my failure as a man is my complete

lack of rhythm well rhythm maybe is different for everybody maybe some people that people have

different songs so not every rhythm matches i just got to find someone who enjoys my song

my out of tune song exactly yeah there’s yeah i mean the better well mumble rap got popular and i

didn’t understand it at all not in again both senses but but i i was like this doesn’t sound good why do

people like this but people liked it so yeah there is someone out there who would think i i’m good at

my song i’ve never wait did you say mumble rap mumble rap it was uh five years ago it was really

big it was it was the guys were like i’m gonna i just oh no no i don’t know and you couldn’t

understand any of the words they were saying yeah yeah yeah i don’t know if they called it mumble rap

i know snoop dog was really ripping on mumble rappers he’s like i can’t understand what they’re saying

and it’s not original and they got no skill and i would be more of a snoop dog generation so i want to

be able to hear the words you’re saying and the complications and stuff so that it’s actually

impressive to me if you’re just like i’m gonna i’m gonna i’m gonna i’m gonna i’m gonna chunk my

but but that’s not skillful i suppose yeah maybe not as skillful as it could be that’s yeah i mean

i i could probably do a bit of mumble rap i think that might be the thing is everyone could do mumble

rap if you really yeah and that that’s why again i i didn’t enjoy it but it went away pretty quick i

i’m not surprised i’m surprised it lasted as long as it did but it went away pretty fast well maybe

maybe that kind of comment from snoop dog and maybe other people was quite damning maybe it

shortened the lifespan of it i actually think it it would have if someone big kind of discount

something a lot of people listen and react don’t they mumble rap is a subgenre of hip -hop that emerged

in the mid to late 2010s via soundcloud characterized by unclear enunciation heavy use of autotune and an

emphasis on melody mood and tone over complex lyricism the genre has faced significant criticism

from established rappers such as eminem j cole and logic who have argued that it lacks the lyrical

depth of traditional hip -hop this is i’ve gone into my announcer voice for you i hear that yeah

can you can you can you mumble rap this um explanation please prominent artists frequently

identified with this style and good future young thug amigos little lucy vert playboy cardi trevis scott

little pump extension it’s a bit clear yeah it’s too clear because i actually want you to hear what

i’m saying so it would have to be like uh okay so i’ll give i’ll do this sentence and then i’ll mumble

rap it so conversely defenders compare the style to the sonic simplicity of early punk or jazz scatting

viewing it as a natural progression in the genre’s evolution rather than a decline in quality

conversely definitive compared to the style of the sonic simplicity of early punk

that’s a bit better that’s the best i could do yeah but if you know what i’m saying and then you

cannot almost hear the words but you have to know what i’m saying for but that’s not the case in most

uh when when you’re a listener listen to this no i think the idea is not going to read the lyrics and

then listen to it i think the idea would be it’s not about what he’s saying it’s the mood of this like

the sound so it’s a sad song it’s a happy song it’s just vibes and so just the vibes for a lot of

people ended up again it’s a generational thing if you grew up with it you would think it was awesome

because it was your music but anyone younger or older than you might think it’s shit maybe but

but still if if it’s just about vibes i have a voice at all just these instrumentals yeah no i

i think i think that would be better like don’t use words yeah all right i think mumble rap yeah

mumble rap i mean it’s pretty shit

all the all the do you subscribe to that idea of like you if you’re not from that generation you

think that that that generation stuff is a crap i think because i like 80 stuff no i like i like i

think what happens is there’s music that is good and that will last longer so like again you just

said you like stuff some stuff from the 80s but i bet i could pull because i grew up in the 80s i bet

i could pull a lot of songs that i probably know all the words to and hate and you would think it was

terrible but there’s a group that grew up with it i have this idea that there’s always the song of the

summer for a group that’s 16 to 17 years old and that’s their song and if you actually look there’s

a song that’s produced every single year and it’s that summer song and it’s for that very small group

of people and they will always have it in their heart because it’s their song and so this is an

expansion of that if you’re in your teens you don’t want the music that came before and you don’t want

you want your music that is different and it doesn’t matter if it’s good it’s just different

so that you’re not listening to the same music as the people who came before you and so some of it

survives some of it doesn’t but mumble rap has no future because yeah like unless we keep it alive

well but if you’re if you’re thinking about like well because the 80s songs you’re referring to like

there’s like the depeche mode synth revolution there’s like duran duran pop music those genres became

relatively timeless and people updated them but the fundamentals were still there mumble rap

didn’t do that but i bet there’s like oh glam metal is an 80s thing that went away and so it’s

like all those heavy metal bands that were not quite heavy metal that still dressed with like

um really tight leather and like giant hair like the motley crew and stuff a lot of that went away

like what motley crew lasted longer than the other ones because they have a couple of good songs but

like poison no one who isn’t my age would know who poison is i think i’ve heard of poison but i don’t

i couldn’t tell you any songs yeah because they didn’t they were they were shit yeah okay so that’s

that’s the thing like the the stuff from each age that goes away because grunge in the early 90s

that first group was good they had like four or five bands that were good and then a whole bunch

that came after and kind of like generalized it or made it more pop music they went away they didn’t

last okay so i think you could find that for every generation that but there’s a generation that wants

like their music and it’s just got to be different they want some of that speaks to their experience

don’t they yeah because i was i was uh what would i have been i listened to some pretty i listened to

a lot of ska when i was in my teens ah yeah ska is pretty awful sometimes but i think ska i’ve only

recently started listening to a little bit but it’s for me to me it sounds quite distinct to a lot of

the genres and i can’t always i can’t always pick out what makes this genre special what makes that

special sometimes it sounds the same to me so do you like ska well i think now if you listen to

ska it would be the good ones so again there was all these ska bands that came out at the same time

and most of them were pretty trash that you never would have heard of again the ones that stood the

test of time yeah and that’s that’s the problem like literature suffers from the same thing like we

like oh you go back to a certain era we only remember like let’s say 10 books from the 1940s or the

1930s but how many books were produced at that time were just absolute trash oh yeah and we’re

completely forgotten it’s the same with music it’s i think it’s the same with any art form there’s the

pop version of it that goes away and then there’s like the classics that actually stay so we end up

talking about the classics but we forget the insane volume of shit that came out at the same time

it’s the same rule counts for humans as well oh yeah no it’s i think this is true for everything but

like for art and music and stuff yeah like there’s some stuff that stays but that’s this incredibly

small minority and then there’s all this other stuff that just came out that’s just bullshit and

no one ever is gonna yeah it was forgotten the moment it was produced so buy my book it’s called

montana el diablo it’s available on amazon it’s not one of the trash ones it’s it’s not going to last

beyond my lifetime but it is funny because again i try to make a lot of stuff that’s funny and i don’t

think funny has long historical value so i wouldn’t expect my legacy to be the books that i wrote

okay but montana el diablo the infinite adventure is available on amazon .com

enter the mind of the academy chop my big chest where the best is a philosophy

drinking at lunch brings verbal skills like a sucker punch woke up to see a mock beat

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i’ll see him i’ll be yeah yeah yeah yeah

Camel Curse

Oh, no. So I have to start with actual catch up news because I got in trouble. You and I did an episode last month and then I got some messages because apparently I did not introduce you properly.

So everyone who’s listened to this podcast knows who I am because the podcast is a couple of years old now, but you never got you never got.

Yeah, you just suddenly were added in. And because we had been doing like practice and experiments over the last couple of months, I didn’t even think to introduce you properly.

So this is Jordan. He’s joining Chunkwood Beef Chest podcast, Seeming Bee podcast, fitness influencer.

I am absolutely turgid at the thought of speaking to him today and hopefully many days into the future.

How would you introduce yourself?

Phone on the spot. OK, let me let me say the first five words that come to mind.

OK, why five? Why five? Why five words?

Three. Everyone says three. Everyone says one. Five is the next odd number.

OK. And speaking of odd, that is one of the five words.

Then, then committed and then brown hair. That’s four words and glasses.

Wait, wait. Does brown hair count as two words? Because odd is one. Committed is one. Brown hair should only be one.

But it’s two words. It’s two words, but it’s one concept.

I can’t say brown. You could say you could say you could say auburn.

Auburn?

That doesn’t include hair. Brunette.

Brunette. That sounds classy.

It sounds like brown hair sounds so bog standard, isn’t it? But brunette.

Brunette sounds way better.

Sophistication. Class.

Now there’s your five words.

Sophistication and class.

And all that ass.

Enter the mind of the academy.

Chalk my big chest.

Where the best is a philosophy.

Drinking at lunch.

Brings verbal skills like a sucker punch.

Woke up to CMRB.

Yeah.

CMRB.

Yeah.

CMRB.

Yeah.

CMRB.

That is a great set of words.

I think this was a successful experiment.

I wasn’t, I was ready for that to fail and I was absolutely wrong.

Well, I’m happy to, to, to, what’s the opposite of disappoint?

To impress.

To impress, yes.

How’s your life been in the last two weeks?

Oh, do you want the truth?

So this is for anyone who’s listening, who isn’t as familiar with Japan.

This is exam, university exam, entrance exam, season time.

I said exam like five extra times.

This is university entrance exam time for kids.

My son is going through his university entrance exams.

So at the end of high school, you take the common exam, which is sort of your high school exams.

And then you would apply to each university you want to go to and take their exam.

So then they put those two numbers together.

My son has very high aspirations and very good scores, but he messed up his common exam.

So he maybe transposed a column of like, I guess, of multiple choice and he did the wrong column or something.

So he got a suspiciously low score compared to what he was getting on his tests previous.

But that has basically messed up his entire life.

So he didn’t get into the two schools he wanted to get into.

We’re waiting till next week to get one more.

But if he doesn’t get into that, he’s going to be a ronin.

Do you know the ronin thing?

Fighter, samurai type.

Yeah.

So a ronin is a samurai without a house.

So he is going to take an extra year of just studying and then try again next year if he doesn’t get into this school next week.

And he is very down about it.

So it’s just been this like oppressive weight in our household.

And I just want to play video games and stuff.

Because I went to university.

I got a job.

I don’t need any of this shit anymore.

Well, life’s hard.

Maybe you can learn a lesson this way.

But it might save him a lot of mini lessons down the line.

I think this is actually, if I want to look at the silver lining, this is actually really good.

Because he’s overconfident.

And he always has been.

And he’s very focused on status.

And he wants to go to the best school.

And so he always does everything too quick.

And I think that’s what happened.

He did his exam too fast.

He thought it was going to be perfect.

And he’s got to learn to be a little more careful.

So this is a whole year -long kick in the ass for him.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, when I think about you, Peter, I don’t see those kinds of qualities from what I know of you.

Where do you think that comes from?

I, this is, it’s interesting when you have kids, you realize like what does come from you and what doesn’t come from you.

So when there is any sort of anger or conflict, he just goes dead silent, which is exactly what I do.

But his desire for status is completely alien to me.

Like I do not care about what university someone went to or, yeah, like just that stuff doesn’t matter to me.

Like I don’t, it never meant anything.

Nice.

So that to me is almost like an opposite attribute, but it’s not like my wife is like that either.

So I don’t get where that came from.

Do you have like your personality?

We know each other, but not that well, because we don’t get to hang out that much.

But do you have like a status element to your life?

Because I almost go out of my way to not show status.

Well, I think in a lot of circumstances, status, sorry, I’m copying you, but I’m going to say status.

Well, please do.

We want to get, we want to get our international audience on board.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And all the fitness buffs, don’t forget.

Yeah, of course.

Like my background isn’t, isn’t preoccupied with anything to do with status.

It’s, it’s, I’m from a small town in England and my parents were always there that you could discover their path in life.

And I think if you’re, if you’re consumed by status, you’re, you’re not really discovering your path.

You’re following this pre -walked path to the high status places.

I’ve never, I’ve never really been inclined to go there.

I don’t know.

I like an easy, relaxing life.

Yeah.

It doesn’t mean not driven in certain areas, but it’s definitely not by status.

It’s more of a fulfillment or fun.

I do everything until it doesn’t feel fun anymore.

And then I change, maybe like a leaf in the wind in that way.

But I don’t know.

I’ve never, I’ve never put too much stress on status.

Like I almost go out of my way to play down anything that would be significant in my life.

So it’s almost like the opposite.

We’d rather positively surprise somebody than negatively.

If, if someone’s, if I, if they find out the status thing first and then they see the actual skill, which might not be as good as they expected.

That’s the opposite of what you want.

Yeah.

Not impressed.

Yeah.

When I, when I came to Japan, one of the good pieces of advice I was given by one of my judo teachers was tell them you’re really bad at judo and then let them find out.

Cause otherwise you’re putting like a big target on your back.

If you’re like, I come in and I won this and I did that and I’m really amazing.

That puts a big target on your back.

And it’s also the opposite sort of humility thing that Japanese people kind of go for.

So he’s like, just go in and say, Oh, I’m not very good.

I’m getting old.

You know, my back’s sore and everyone will be like, Oh, cool.

And then you do well.

And they’re all like, Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That humility went a long way.

I think that helped a lot.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I agree.

100%.

Overwhelm, not underwhelm.

Would you like to know about, since we only put out one episode so far, would you like to know the breakdown of the audience we got?

Oh, go on then.

36 % from the United States.

28 % from the Philippines, which was a bit of a shock for me.

Oh, okay.

24 % from Japan, 8 % from Germany and 4 % from Canada.

That’s a good start.

I mean, there was only so many downloads to begin with because it was, it’s been, that feed has been dead for a long time.

So it’ll take a while to kick in again.

Does it go back into the algorithm after some?

Yeah.

I think, I think it’ll be like more active.

People, people will be more likely to download it or see it again.

Okay.

Well, that’s good.

So the Philippines part surprised you.

Have you not had much of a, you know, Philippines following before?

Well, it’s an, just because it’s an English speaking podcast.

I would just assume it’s English, primarily English speaking countries.

And I know there’s a lot of English speakers in the Philippines, but didn’t really expect.

Yeah.

That’s like the second biggest group.

Nice.

I mean, I’ve got some friends from the Philippines in Japan and they all speak really, really good English.

I wonder if it’s maybe a little known fact that English is a bit more widespread in the country.

I don’t know.

I’m guessing.

No, that’s good.

I’m happy to hear.

We’ve got some international variety.

Yeah.

Some people, some people listening.

So yeah, we want to make sure that my North American isms and your British isms are full in full effect to make sure everyone’s getting represented.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Let’s do it.

Let’s nod to these different places.

So last week we, or last time we talked about furries and stuff.

So I have two stories.

I’m going to let you choose.

It’s, we could talk about a beauty show or being angry.

Which one piques your interest?

We’ll probably use the other one next time.

So I’m going to say, I’m going to say beauty show.

Beauty show.

Okay.

Well, you stick with what you know, I think.

So last time we did talk about furries and I said, while my spirit animal was a raccoon, if I was going to present myself, I would present myself as a bear.

And you said your spirit animal was a giraffe.

But I forget, I forget what you said you’re, you would dress up as.

The giraffe was too hard.

Yeah.

Very inconvenient.

I think, um, logistically, but I was, I think I was leaning towards the Patronus I was given on a Harry Potter website, which was a basset hound.

Oh, basset hound.

Yes, I do remember that.

Okay.

Basset hound.

Uh, so I think bear is very gay coded attractive, but I, maybe I’m saying a message that I didn’t intend.

Uh, and basset hound is very cute, but what, what about camel?

What about camel?

Well, what do you think camels are particularly attractive is kind of what I’m saying.

Ah, I think, um, I think camels have the opposite effect to horses in attractiveness.

I’m going to need an explanation of that.

Okay.

My thinking on this is, um, horses as a whole, you look at them, you think what a, what a beautiful, majestic, gracious looking animal.

But when you, when you zoom in on the individual body parts, um, they’ve got knobbly knees, they’ve got weird shaped kind of torso business.

I think in different areas of their body, I think it’s a bit weird looking, but as a whole, it makes a beautiful picture.

I think camels are the opposite.

As a whole, they look a bit frumpy and a little bit weird, but I think, what am I trying to say?

Am I saying?

No, I think I get, I get it.

So like you’re saying the pieces of a horse don’t make sense, but when you put it together, it’s like a beautiful animal.

Whereas a camel looks odd, but probably all the pieces look better.

I think individually, if you just look at one hump, you think that’s a nice hump or that’s a nice tail.

That’s a nice curved neck or something.

But then as a whole, you think, Oh, that’s what it is.

It’s a bit odd looking.

Yeah.

Horses have really like the horses with the manes and really big horses.

Like even though, uh, like they’re attractive.

It’s very weird.

I, I kind of get why girls go through a phase where they’re into horses.

Oh yeah.

Because it’s, my theory is that the horse represents everything a man, they want a man to be.

So it’s like big and strong and powerful, but also very horses, you know, the image is that they’re very gentle and loving and friendly.

So it’s got all that.

And so like you can form this deep relationship with it, but this, because they’re young, the horse is not trying to have sex with them.

Exactly.

I think at that age, that’s what you want.

You want all the stuff, but you’re not ready to have sex with someone.

So it’s, it’s there, but it’s not there.

Yeah.

So maybe the romanticized qualities are all there in horses.

Yeah.

I can see that.

I think though, I think a horse is almost a perfect man.

What would push it into perfect man area?

Yeah.

Well, okay.

And you see, now I’m just going to make dirty jokes.

There was, they have gigantic penises that if you have sex with them, it would kill you.

Not a perfect man then, is it?

No, no.

So to perfect man, you’d have to reduce everything.

So then, then is a centaur a better, centaurs are generally considered sexy.

They are.

And I don’t get that.

I can see why.

Because I think you have to suspend your disbelief massively to, to really romanticize them.

Because obviously you think, well, where, where is, where is the stuff?

Is it going to be at the front, at the back where a horse is?

Well, it’s got to be at the back.

Because they have, they have the human torso and then the horse body.

So the genitals will have to be the horse genital.

It has to be.

You would see a little dingley out the front if they had it up there.

But they’d, to make it look aesthetic.

And think about, think about how sad it would be to be this giant horse animal and have a tiny,

like even a human penis on that animal would look incredibly small.

It would.

But when you’re getting down to it, it’ll be appreciated because your horse is, is dangerously large.

So, yeah, the centaur business is, is a bit of a conundrum.

They are so fantasized about, but yeah, there’s this huge glaring issue.

Now, not to, not to reference the previous week too, previous thing too much about drawing weird furry fan art and stuff like that.

But of the few centaur pictures I might have seen in my, in my life.

I like, I like that you, you qualified that with might have.

You, if you’ve seen it, you’ve obviously seen it.

There’s no might, the things I may have experienced in my time.

The, the ones that I definitely might have seen more than four times have been mostly in the area you’re saying between the horse legs.

But that’s, that takes all the romance that, that people think of with centaurs.

You know, they’ve got gorgeous faces, gorgeous bodies, and then they’ve got the, the cool stallion thing going on as well.

If you are getting nitty and gritty with a centaur, you’re not seeing the very attractive human part because you’re under the horse.

Yeah.

You’re seeing, you’re, all you’re seeing is horse legs.

Oh, it’s a nightmare.

There’s no way this is a good thing.

He’s going to have to shout.

You’re right back there.

Awesome.

I don’t know.

They could set up mirrors and check in.

Mirrors in the, in the forest or wherever centaurs live?

I know, I know.

Um, the centaurs wouldn’t have mirrors.

I was just trying to think of a way to make it so they could actually like make some eye contact.

And the only thing is mirrors.

And that’s, of course, he’s looking down, but then his head’s like upside down.

And that’s not attractive.

No one’s attractive upside down.

No, because your cheeks sag, your, your skin fall.

Oh, everything.

Everything’s terrible.

Yeah.

I don’t see how the, the, the romance ends as soon as you try to pursue it physically.

So as soon as you try to make it work, yes, the romance goes away.

And I think that’s true for all interspecies relationships.

Absolutely.

All the ones we’ve tried anyway.

Yeah.

Cause Zeus, Zeus turning into a swan.

Oh, I guess, I guess that wasn’t consensual.

No, it wasn’t.

It was a, it was a, it was a ruse.

That was pretty awful.

Anyways.

Well, it was something strange about this lady.

He was, he, he turned into a swan specifically to seduce a mortal woman.

Is that how it goes?

It’s, I haven’t read it in so long, but I just remember there were multiple instances where

Zeus turned into an animal to engage in relations with a woman.

And I was like, I don’t see how that’s better or more effective or more like, you think you’d

get more resistance unless that’s what he’s going for.

And it, the thing is with Zeus, that might be what he goes for.

He might want to, you know, yeah.

Claim somebody with a bit of force, perhaps, or just a bit of coercion.

Yeah.

But also you think maybe he just knows his target audience.

This mortal woman could have been looking at swans a whole life thinking, oh yeah.

But this doesn’t finish.

He is a god.

He would know your, your deepest inner desires.

So when the raccoon showed up, that was actually Zeus.

Zeus, he’s just trying to get it off with me.

Absolutely.

But you were too sad.

I was drunk.

We were not, nothing was getting off with anyone when I was that drunk.

That was, that was always a problem.

Yeah.

Definitely has issues.

Yeah.

Too much baggage.

So the 2026 Camel Beauty Show Festival in Al -Musana Oman had 20 camels disqualified because of Botox, fillers, silicon reshaping and hump inflation.

Oh no.

I know.

I was ready to laugh at this story, but that’s very, very sad.

Yeah.

So I was, when you went, started talking about the parts of a horse, I was like, I actually started thinking immediately, what’s the sexiest part of a camel?

And so like the camel’s humps, they deflate because they’re full of water.

But then.

Are they full of fat?

Or are they full of fat?

It’s fat.

It’s fat, but it’s, it’s, that’s what holds the water.

So they will, if they, if they spend X amount of time in the desert, they’ll start to sag.

So when they drink water, the, I think the fat just holds the water for them.

So it’s both.

It’s fatty water.

But surely it’s not, when I’m thinking of like a cross reference, it’s not what I’m thinking.

If I imagine two cavities in the humps that are just full of water, like a, like a jug.

Surely it’s not like that.

That’s very cartoonish.

No, no, no.

So you’re right.

It’s, it’s like fat and the fat holds the water.

So when the fat, when the water is in the, when the camel drinks a lot of water, it inflates

and gets like firm.

And then as, as it uses the water that it’s stored in the hump, the, all the fat will actually

sort of shrink.

Gotcha.

Okay.

My friend’s daughter learned in school, in Japanese school, that if you’re in the desert,

you can drink camel pee.

Oh, that’s good to know.

It’s hydrating.

It’s just another reason not to go in the desert, I guess.

Also, you’d have, that’s very look based.

You’d have to be right there when the camel is peeing.

I guess, I guess the intent is to try to catch it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dear.

This makes me sound like…

You immediately, you immediately went to like straight into the mouth, didn’t you?

Well, you have to catch way out of a penis, isn’t it?

Treat it like a, like a straw.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, imagine a camel centaur.

Imagine that.

A camel centaur.

Yeah.

It’s not better.

Camels themselves, though, have really nice lips.

And I think that’s interesting because that’s where like the fillers and the silicon might

come in.

Is they were actually trying to reshape so they have more luscious lips.

Because I know, I know camels are one of the few animals that have like big lips.

Yeah.

But what do you think is the most attractive element of a camel?

I’m going to say the neck.

I don’t have a thing called slender animal necks.

All my favorite animals have long necks.

Starting with a giraffe and then working our way down makes sense.

Yes.

Yeah.

I love ostriches.

Okapees.

Yeah.

All that business.

What was the last one?

Pocopee?

I’m not sure what the correct pronunciation is.

Okape or Okape?

It’s the, I think it’s the closest living relative to a giraffe.

Is it species wise?

It’s that animal that’s, it’s kind of the size of a big deer.

It’s got striped zebra like legs, but a brown body with some markings on it.

It’s got a longish neck, but not as long as a giraffe.

Okay.

And very, very rare.

Okay.

That’s probably just why I don’t know it.

That’s good.

What about like an ostrich or that?

Really?

Because the ostrich neck to me is more alien.

Because it’s so slender and thin, it actually seems like too much.

It’s also quite hairy as well.

I’ve never been that close to an ostrich neck.

I just would have assumed it was skin or feathers.

It’s hairy.

No, it’s not.

It’s not.

It’s like, it’s like a big hairy shaft with a head on it.

Yeah.

I’m just going to let that one sit there for a bit.

Listen, everyone enjoy big hairy shaft with a head on it.

Yeah.

Yes.

Shout out both of you.

The most interesting part of an ostrich’s neck is how it connects to the feathery part

of its body.

Because it’s not where it’s stuck out of a tuft of feathers randomly, like a dusty.

It’s more, when you look at the way it transitions into the body, it’s weird like branching a pendant.

I’m just making it sound like an alien.

They are.

It’s not as alien as I’m making it sound, but it’s just interesting to see where the feathers start.

It’s, I can’t describe it.

I’m sorry.

No, no, it’s fine.

Because I actually, I understand what you’re saying.

When you get to an animal like that and you get down to its component parts, they are really alien looking.

Like we have, we have these like genuses of animal, like dogs.

And dogs all have inherent sort of similarities, even though there’s a lot of variety of dogs.

But it’s clearly like there’s dog archetype.

Yeah.

Ostriches and things don’t fit into any archetype.

There’s just ostriches.

Any animal that’s almost individualized is alien feeling.

I see what you mean.

Anteaters.

Yeah.

Things like that.

There’s nothing else like an anteater.

It’s just anteaters.

No, I see what you mean.

Those creatures, I’ve, those creatures I think tend to do very well in their environment,

in their specific environment, but not very well at all if they travel to a new environment.

I suppose you could make the argument for all animals, but I think to a higher extent here

because they look so interesting and so unique because they’re designed specifically for the,

for the one job.

It’s almost a single use.

They have, they have one thing they can do and nothing else.

Yeah.

That’s why you get more distinct features with these kinds of animals that don’t, that you

don’t see living widespread.

It’s just in that one zone.

Yeah.

Have you heard of the theory, everything is turning into a crab?

Yes.

Uh, there’s my favorite podcast, three bean salad.

They’ve made this a running joke over the last like five years.

How every evolution is gearing everything towards crab eventually.

And I was actually where I first heard that.

And it was like, yes, everything evolves to become crab sooner or later.

Yeah.

Why do you think that is?

I don’t know.

Because when you think of a crab, I’m not seeing dexterity.

I’m not seeing, um, anything that would, would, you know, benefit somebody outside of a crab’s

environment and hardly anything lives in a crab’s environment in the grand scheme of things.

So I don’t know why people are being, not people.

I don’t know why things are being crabified.

Yeah.

But, so should I stop moisturizing then and become more crab -like?

That would be like the ultimate, because calloused hands are good.

It means that they’re stronger.

And that is step one towards getting claws.

Yeah.

So I just stop using fine motor skills.

I should stop using, I should stop, uh, moisturizing my hands for sure.

Yeah, definitely.

To increase my evolution.

Okay.

Even bind your fingers together.

Make a pincer shape.

I, okay, because I hurt my fingers in judo, when I do judo, I actually do have to bind my fingers.

And I have like a weird, like the Vulcan hand symbol.

That’s how my hands are when I’m doing judo.

Really?

Nerd.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

But this crab thing, I don’t know, I don’t know what the purpose is.

I don’t know what our future is going to look like.

Maybe in a million years, we’ll all be crab people.

So then it would have to be, the world would evolve along with crab.

Crab, so as, as we become crab, so I’m assuming we maintain a level of intelligence as we become

more crabified and therefore start to adjust all our technology to be more crab friendly.

Hmm.

Yeah, I suppose so.

So we need to write science fiction stories about crabs in the future being like the dominant

species.

We could, but when, when you compare crabs to centaurs, I don’t know if a half crab person

is going to pull in the female gaze as, as centaurs.

Well, so that’s the, see, see, you’re using your current modern value system to look at

the crab.

Whereas evolutionarily speaking, when we get down the line, the crab will become the thing

that becomes more attractive.

Of course.

Yeah.

So everyone would be like centaurs.

That’s disgusting.

Now, I mean, look at this half crab, half human with like a crab body and like a torso sticking

out the top.

That’s sexy.

Yeah.

That, yeah.

I see what you mean.

We’ll, we’ll adapt, won’t we?

We’ll have a different kind of sex drive.

Yeah.

Because if you go back, what, what year were you born?

It’s kind of weird.

92.

Okay.

So I was born in the seventies and in the eighties, when I was growing up and having

my sort of awakening, as we discussed last time, it was gigantic fake boobs and zero hips.

And then by the late nineties, early two thousands is when sort of more curvaceous aesthetics came

to play.

And so I saw that evolution over real time where people were like, they wanted just flat

butts and giant fake boobs was what everyone was, was attracted to.

And I actually never was, but I couldn’t understand why.

And I actually felt like it was weird and wrong of me to be me, but I’ve always felt

that way.

But now it’s just the exact opposite of what it was when I grew up.

Do you think there are more people like you that were thinking, I don’t know what the

big deal is with this big boobs?

No, no hips.

I honestly think it was mostly the people in charge of media had one, maybe archetype that

they liked and they were trying to enforce that on everybody.

And they just, there is also the guys in power must have assumed that everyone liked what

they liked.

Probably.

Yeah.

Because there was a weird thing.

McMahon, I forget his name.

He was in charge of World Wrestling Federation for years, Vince McMahon.

And he didn’t think anyone found Asian women attractive.

So there were no female Asian wrestlers.

Oh, right.

And it was just, I was like, but you know, other people have different tastes, but then he

didn’t.

He thought everyone liked what he liked and nothing else.

And so I was like, there must be this weird power thing where you are in charge and you

think everything you like is what everyone wants.

Yeah.

It’s very self -absorbed, isn’t it?

But that’s happy.

That must be what happens when you get rich.

Yeah.

Because no one disagrees with you anymore.

No, you’d be just reinforced on all areas by the people surrounding you, wouldn’t you?

But I think, yeah, the media definitely puts a lot of emphasis on certain types of bodies,

certain types of looks.

So I think, I remember being in school pretending I was, you know, into girls and stuff.

So I know following the crowd is a big part of…

No, it’s social pressure.

Social pressure.

That’s right.

Yeah.

Social pressure.

Because I was in a weird spot where I wanted to do sports.

I wanted to do judo and stuff, but I was with the alternative crowd where it wasn’t actually

cool to do sports.

Oh.

There’s not really much to say about that because my friends were actually really accepting

and stuff.

They were very nice.

That’s nice.

A lot of the friends that you have in school are all kind of engaging peer pressure and

there’s like a leader of the group sometimes as well.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that.

I think my experience in high school was very unique because I didn’t suffer from a lot

of peer pressure.

Like, I think at that age you want to fit in, but no one was pushing us, like no one

in our group was pushing us to be a certain way.

So, like all the kids were kind of from different countries.

Like one guy, his parents were from India and the other guy’s parents were from Czechoslovakia

and then my parents were Irish and we were all living sort of in this little melting pot.

It was like maybe 10 of us if you took the extended group, but there was no single person

or leader or anything who was pushing anything.

And so, like when I see other people or different experiences, I think it seems really different.

So, I think I was very lucky.

That’s nice.

Because I was…

Sounds like a nice…

Oh, they were great.

I think I was, like I was scared to do drugs.

I didn’t want to do…

I didn’t want to smoke weed or do acid or stuff because I was just scared that it was going

to like mess me up.

Yeah.

So, I just was the designated driver.

It was just like an unwritten thing.

Like, oh, well, we’ll drop acid and then if anything goes wrong, Peter will take care

of us.

And I was really happy to be in that role because there was no pressure for me to join

in and they could do what they want and I was still cool.

But then also it was safer because there was someone who was sober.

If you’re going to do it, yeah.

This is a safe way to do it.

Seems like.

Yeah.

Well, taking drugs is never completely safe.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

But…

But they are super fun.

I mean, don’t do drugs, but seriously, awesome.

How would you know you were driving?

What have I done?

I’ve done legal drugs.

So, probably the…

I got really, really hurt once and the doctor gave me these like painkillers that were so

strong I wasn’t allowed to drive or anything.

And he was basically like, you have to stay home for the next two days on these like painkillers.

And apparently I watched Beethoven, the big dog movie, like three times in a row.

Like I was so loopy that I watched this dog movie about a dog, you know, crashing a kid’s

birthday party over and over and over again.

What was it that was so enticing?

I was high.

I like, I honestly right now could not tell you what Beethoven is about.

I know it’s about a big dog.

I don’t…

That’s about all I know.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think that might be the whole plot.

It’s a big dog in small space or big dog runs through children’s party and breaks everything.

Like I think that might be the basic plot.

But I know I’ve seen…

Technically, I’ve seen that movie at least three times.

Yeah, fair enough.

In the same day though.

Like you got to be really high for that.

I used to do that as a kid, but not because I was high.

I hope.

I remember watching Aladdin about three times in a row.

But this is going back…

I was seven or eight years old.

I think I was just…

I don’t know why I’d do it.

Maybe I was high on drugs.

Maybe I had the same as you.

Who knows?

No, but kids watch the same thing over and over again.

Kids like repetition and…

Like they get something and they lock into it.

And it’s just…

Because I went through the phase with my kids in the car and it was like one song on repeat, basically.

And I was…

I’ve never liked Katy Perry, but I was so happy when they were like, let’s listen to this other song.

And it was a Katy Perry song.

I was like, I’m more than happy to listen to Katy Perry now because it’s not that kid’s song that I hate.

What was it that you…

What was it that they liked?

The kid’s song or the Katy Perry?

The kid’s song…

It was…

Again, I don’t even remember.

I probably blocked it out because of trauma.

It was…

It was just one of those ones that was like…

Like we do at work where it’s just like the ABCs or the days of the week or something.

It was just one of those really, really sing -songy kid’s songs that you end up despising because it’s just got zero creativity to it.

And then I’m a firework or whatever it was.

That song is what they switched to.

I was really happy about that.

That’s a good one, yeah.

That’s a Katy Perry.

I’ll go on.

I have a similar kind of again and again and again kind of earworm kind of thing.

I used to work in a special school back in England.

And for one year, I was one of the staff in a class of children with autism.

And there was one kid who loved a song for about two months and then moved on to another song.

But he would sing it over and over and over and over again.

It could literally be for about three hours uninterrupted unless he was eating or drinking.

And this one that he was really enamoured by, it was…

I don’t know what the song is called.

It goes, that’s the way…

I like it.

I know that song.

Yeah, it’s a well -known song, but I think it’s pretty old.

But he never…

The bit that he liked from that song was, that’s the way, aha, aha.

So he’d repeat that over and over again.

That’s the way, aha, aha.

That’s the way.

And he would never get onto the, I like it.

So all of us staff were just kind of waiting and waiting and waiting until one time,

after about a week of going over this, that’s the way, aha, aha, he finally said, I like

it, aha, aha.

Us staff stopped what we were doing.

We cheered.

We celebrated.

We were so, so ingrained in this wheel of that’s the way, aha, aha, aha.

We were released from it.

It was amazing.

So when you left for the day, though, was it stuck in your head as well?

Absolutely.

Yeah, because I learned that the reason we get earworms, we get a song stuck in our head

is because it doesn’t finish because you get like the hook or the chorus and that gets

stuck in your head and it’s on a loop.

And if you can finish the song, it’ll go away.

So you need to finish the song for it to stop being sort of in your head.

Interesting.

Because I, when I, when I got it, when I got a song stuck in my head, I would sing the

greatest American hero TV theme song because I knew all the words.

It’s a terrible TV show from, I think the eighties in America, maybe even the seventies

in America about this school teacher who finds a superhero suit and doesn’t know how to use

it.

So they’re like really bad at being a superhero.

Okay.

It’s a comedy show.

I remember it being good, but I’m sure it was like, if I watched it now, I couldn’t even

watch a whole episode.

Believe it or not, I’m walking on it.

I never thought I could feel so free.

He, he, flying away on a wing in a prayer.

Who could it be?

Believe it or not.

It’s just me.

But because I can finish that whole thing, it’s the end.

And then it stops being an earworm.

And so I could block out other things by singing that to its completion.

Wow.

Okay.

You’ve weaponized this against earworms.

I have.

Well, once I learned the psychology of you need to finish the thing for it to stop looping,

you either need to go find the song and listen to the whole song, or you need to sing another

song in your head to completion.

I was able to do it.

In a theme song from like a TV show is less than usually 30 seconds, maybe a minute.

Okay.

Do you think any song would work or does it depend on the person?

I mean, it works for me.

I’m assuming, again, I read the psychological aspect of how the earworm works.

And once you know it’s to completion, it should work for most people.

The problem is if you put yourself back in the loop somehow right away.

Okay.

I mean, I’m thinking happy birthday is a very short song.

Maybe that would work.

Do you remember on TV, there was a period when they didn’t sing happy birthday?

They sang some like weird rendition of it.

Happy birthday, Peter, Peter, birthday.

Is it that one?

Yeah.

That’s because there was like this legal thing.

Someone basically, I don’t know if they bought it or they claim the rights to happy birthday

for a few years.

You couldn’t sing the traditional happy birthday song because you would have to pay rights to

someone.

It seems crazy how somebody would own that.

I think I heard that a woman owns it somewhere.

She made the song or she at least has the rights to it.

But maybe this is a different person.

I’m sure lots of people can argue over who owns happy birthday.

But happy birthday seems like one of those songs that shouldn’t have an owner.

I guess because we just sing it on our own.

So it’s not really like no one’s paying for it.

I saw a trend recently, say recently last year, on TikTok where people were singing happy

birthday, but only the word birthday.

birthday.

And they would do this to kind of freak out the person whose birthday it was.

So they’d be sat around the cake and then the whole family would say birthday.

Birthday.

Oh, just that part.

Birthday.

And it sounds so creepy when they skip all the other words.

Oh, because I was thinking birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday.

But no, just silence until you hit the birthday part.

Okay.

That’s right.

Really awkward.

Yeah, mine’s just weird.

It seems a very ritualistic.

Because if everyone did it in unison as well, because in their head, they’re singing the

same song.

So they would get it in time.

They would.

It would just be a group of people standing around going birthday.

Yeah.

And poor person whose birthday it is.

You said last time about the raccoon thing, that it’s been something that you’ve held with

you kind of since it happened.

And maybe like a core memory of yours.

It is.

I have one as well that I can’t explain.

And I wondered if you had any idea of the origin or heard anything to help me make sense

of it.

Because similarly to that, this has been carried around by me for about maybe 25 years.

When I was a kid, I was walking around the neighborhood and my old house was next to

a convent of nuns where they used to live.

And you’d often see nuns walking around, walking around the neighborhood.

So you’d say hello to them and things.

I was just walking through the neighborhood somewhere.

I saw a nun.

We were going to cross by each other on the road, on the path.

And as I was doing this, I was maybe about seven or eight at the time.

Maybe, was I walking around at seven or eight years old?

Maybe I was 10 years old.

I was just around my cul -de -sac area.

I was walking through and she put her hand out to stop me as she crossed me.

So I stopped.

And wordlessly, not saying anything, she reached inside of her bag and pulled out a leaf.

And she took my hand, put the leaf in my hand, closed my fingers around the leaf.

And then, again, without saying anything, walked off.

And, which is, this is very, very strange behavior to me.

I looked at the leaf and it looked like a completely ordinary leaf, apart from right in the center of the underside of the leaf was, looked like a spiky growth, but it was coming out of the leaf.

Now, since then, I’ve lost that leaf.

I don’t know where it’s gone.

I think I probably lost it maybe on the same day.

But I’ve been thinking about this leaf for years and years and years, thinking, what significance does it have to Christianity or any kind of spirituality?

No, she’s cursed you.

Do you think so?

Okay, so a nun.

So if I was going to say anything about, like, giving a leaf to someone, that’s very paganistic.

That is not a nun’s behavior.

So she was a witch.

Do you reckon so?

She was a witch and she’s either blessed you or cursed you.

I don’t know.

I think the leaf in general would be a positive thing, if I’m being honest.

But the spiky growth in the middle feels very curse -like.

Hmm.

Oh, you know, bless you.

Here’s a leaf.

Or, you know, have a good day and put the leaf in your hand.

Or said something.

I assume positive.

It would have felt good.

But anything you do silently takes on a more nefarious tone.

Oh, doesn’t it?

Yeah.

That’s scary.

I mean, the story you just told is actually quite scary sounding.

Do you reckon so?

I mean, I was there saying…

Imagine a horror movie.

And then so it’s a young boy standing at a crosswalk.

Nun garb.

So, like, the full black, like, the whole habit.

Walks up and just, like, takes the hand, puts a leaf in it, and, like, walks away.

That’s the beginning of a horror movie where, like, either terrible things happen to the child or the child becomes the terrible thing.

Oh, crikey.

Yeah.

Now that you say it like that, it does sound very, very, very horror movie coded.

It is the beginning, opening scene of a horror movie where everything sparks off this point for that child’s family or the people around that child or something.

And then they have to figure out how to break the curse or something.

That would be the end of the movie.

Maybe.

I’ve not broken it yet.

Maybe my curse is just being me.

I’m not very successful.

We’re all cursed.

We’re all cursed by just being us, though.

That is the problem.

In my memory, it didn’t seem so, so horrific because it was probably about mid -morning.

And I don’t remember feeling positive or negative, just confusion.

But, yeah, that’s when you paint it like that.

It does seem very nefarious, a little bit sinister.

If you lived in a horror movie and that’s all you knew, then you wouldn’t know it was a horror movie.

But you tell the story to someone outside of the world of the horror movie, everyone’s like, that’s horrific.

That’s horrible things have happened.

Because the only closest experience I have is when we had my son, we took him to the local Japanese temple and had him blessed.

And so you pay some money and they put his name and they do the sutras.

So they go, and then they say his name.

And then after a while, they walk over, you’re holding the baby, and they take a branch with some leaves on it and they shake it over the baby’s head.

Oh, yes.

And that’s the blessing of the child.

I was okay with that.

But then the priest walked over to a minivan and used the same leaves to bless the minivan.

And I was like, dude, swap out the leaves.

Don’t fucking bless a minivan with the same leaves you bless my child with.

That’s bullshit.

I paid for this.

And that made me lean over to my wife and go, like, can you get anything blessed?

And she was like, you pay the money, they will bless it.

And I was like, I kind of want to bring my PlayStation in and get it blessed.

That is wild.

The guy goes in like, headshot, headshot, something.

But they’ll bless anything.

So I was like, yeah, it’d be weird to see, like, if I had the money and the time, make a YouTube series of, like, increasingly weirder things to see if they’ll just bless it.

That is a great idea for a channel.

So I’m bringing just the weirdest things I can think of and bring it into the temple and pay them to bless it and see if they’ll, like, at what point would they refuse?

Like, here’s a bottle of liquor.

Here’s, I mean, they’ll do vehicles for safety.

Yeah.

I mean, when you say bless the minivan, it’s, that sounds really, it doesn’t sound like there’s any kind of, what’s the word, sacredness to that.

Yeah.

They were, they were, it’s the same as hanging a charm.

A lot of Asian people will hang a charm in their car for good luck so that they won’t crash and stuff.

But this is the same thing.

They’re just blessing it so they won’t have accidents and the car runs well.

And I was like, okay, I don’t think that’s how that works, but okay.

But I just thought they should swap out leaves.

I don’t know why that was the bit I got stuck on.

And I was like, don’t reuse the blessing from my kid on, I guess at least my son went first.

Yeah.

You don’t want to go after the minivan.

If they blessed a minivan and then came to bless my child with the same leaves, I would have been very annoyed.

That seems more disrespectful.

It does.

It does seem very disrespectful.

Yeah.

But I mean, but I think when you think of the core message in the blessing that they’re giving,

so safety and probably fortune and just like a positive life experience,

just taking it at that value.

Yeah.

I can see how one would bless a child and bless a vehicle for travel, of course.

But at least wait until you’ve left before doing that.

I think they should be different ceremonies.

I think there should be the people ceremony and the thing ceremony should be separated for sure.

Yeah.

No, I think I agree.

Yeah.

So off the top of your head, choose something in the room that you sat in.

What would you have blessed from that room?

Well, so I have, if I was going to do serious ones, I got Dave on my lap.

So blessing Dave would be pretty appropriate, I think, because that’s as much love as a human as I have for this dog.

So if I’m looking for the weirdest thing, I have a printer cartridge, not a printer, the printer cartridge, the black ink cartridge.

Or I have this strap that I put on my arm to support my elbow.

That would be a very weird thing to have blessed.

I have many straps and things to hold my body together.

Okay.

It sounds like Death Becomes Her.

Have you seen that movie?

I don’t think so.

Oh, you need to watch Death Becomes Her.

Okay.

And that’s all I’ve got to say.

Okay.

No, no.

I mean, I watched like, because of my train ride, I watch like a movie every day, basically.

So I have knee compression sleeves, elbow compression sleeves, straps for my like ankle braces.

And it’s like, I just every part of my body, I could strap into a harness of some sort.

Right.

It definitely sounds like Death Becomes Her.

Because the movie is about two kind of very vain women who get obsessed with this potion made by a guy that can make them live young and beautiful forever.

But something happens and the guy dies.

So there’s no one left to make potions.

So they’ve got this kind of what was a blessing, but now a curse of being young, not being able to die.

But they can’t do their own upkeep of beauty themselves.

So at the end, they’re kind of helping each other tape their nose back on and keep their beauty in a very makeshift hodgepodge way.

It sounds like what you’re describing.

Yeah.

So it’s like Dorian Gray.

Because he’s the portrait of Dorian Gray.

He stays young and the picture gets old.

But then when I forget if they slash the picture and then he suddenly gets really old and dies.

The portrait of Dorian Gray.

And then there’s the myth of how the grasshopper is like a Greek myth.

And so this guy went to the gods and they said, we’ll give you a wish.

I forget why.

And then said, I want to live forever.

But he didn’t say stay young forever.

So he just got older and older and older and older and older.

And then they took some sympathy and turned him into a grasshopper.

Oh, that’s torture, isn’t it?

That’s why grasshoppers have that pinched face.

Pinched face?

Yeah.

If you look at a grasshopper’s face, it’s like a man who’s never died.

It’s just he’s like a thousand years old.

I’ve never seen a grasshopper that close.

I don’t know.

I’ve actually not looked at one lately, so I don’t know if it’s true.

But that was the story I was told.

Okay.

Yeah.

Eternal life seems good until you look at the reality of it.

And if it is like that, where you’ve got to age, then yeah.

But any wish, any superpower has to come with like a whole list of and I need.

And because like, yeah, if you’re going to live forever, you want to be a certain age forever.

Like I would say mid 30s or late 20s.

I wouldn’t want to be too young.

I wouldn’t want to be too old.

And then like it was the same with like superpower.

I want to make sure like all my bits work.

Yeah.

Do I have I want super healing because I don’t want to be like, oh, I hurt my leg and now it hurts for eternity.

Yeah.

Like that’s that’s a really big caveat is like so if I mess up something in my body,

is it going to stay messed up forever or does it going to heal eventually?

So you almost want to make sure that you maintain youthful healing abilities.

Yeah.

But then as we are right now, we don’t live this long.

So who’s to say that what we consider as a permanent damage is actually permanent if we have a long enough lifespan.

Well, there is the other side of it in that if you live forever, I so my thing with like, you know, vampires are all very sexy.

Um, the the problem I have.

Well, yeah, but the problem I have is sex would be boring for his vampires because they would have been like done it for the last few hundred years.

So to me, vampires would be into weird stuff.

So they might actually like hurting themselves because the pain, it feels different.

And this is when you get into the Hellraiser pain is pleasure.

Pleasure is pain kind of thing.

Yeah.

Because you would just get bored of regular stuff.

They would once they’ve done, once they’ve explored every avenue, they’d, yeah, they’d need, they’d constantly have to push the boat out further, wouldn’t they?

So I think for anything that lives forever, novelty would become the sexiest thing.

So you wouldn’t want an attractive person.

You’d want a weird person because attractive people of all look kind of the same over time.

Well, there’s definitely features that they would gravitate to.

So a lot of the parties have those.

Yeah.

So you’d get bored of that.

You’d be like, oh, I’ve had that, had that like a million times.

They’re really boring.

Move on.

Exactly.

Yeah.

You’d want a knobbly nose.

I want, you’d want a Quasimodo.

Yeah.

One of those fit camels from that beauty pageant.

Yes.

The fit camels.

So they were getting, oh, you’d loop that back very nicely.

No.

Okay.

So they, they were people trying to game the system because they want to win, but they were again,

using like Botox and fillers.

Camel fill.

I’m just trying to see what they actually injected it to.

Cause it seemed like their lips were a big deal and their humps, they wanted like big,

firm humps, which is a very human thing.

Yeah.

That’s, that’s yet another beauty standard.

People can’t keep up with.

But humans imposing that upon camels is a very weird idea.

Yeah.

But if they use Botox and fillers, it was making it difficult for the camels to eat, chew and drink.

So it came down to, so, so like the organizers was like, this is just animal cruelty.

So, but there were 20 camels dis, uh, disqualified.

Wow.

I mean, I hate the whole business of, um, the kind of contest on the aesthetic aesthetics

of animals.

I mean, there are human beauty pageants, but for the most part, people lend to them themselves

off their own tradition, but animals, they don’t care about any of that.

Um, yeah.

So you’re not into dog shows?

Yeah.

There’s, there’s a whole thing with dog shows.

Cruft is very big in, in Britain.

Have you heard of Cruft?

I, I’ve heard the name.

Um, it’s, it’s, it’s on TV though, isn’t it?

Yeah.

Like it’s a big deal.

That’s right.

Yeah.

I’ve attended one of the, um, events before with my mom and brother for a mother’s day

thing.

Um, I liked going around the shops and things and seeing all the dogs cause there’s, you

can’t walk without treading on a chihuahua there.

But, and I think over time they’ve become more ethically, um, sound with, with kind of adjusting

how they, how they view what’s a perfect look for a dog.

I mean, they don’t advocate for things like tail docking anymore.

Um, which is where you cut off the tail of a, of a dog to get a little stumpy one.

Um, nothing like that is kind of promoted anymore, thankfully.

But yeah, there’s a lot of, um, animal contests throughout the world, obviously.

So hearing about it.

What do you think?

So you have an alien comes down and he says to you, what is a dog?

What do you think is the most dog looking dog possible?

So you have to pick one dog to show the aliens, to show them what a dog is.

What would you choose?

I’d probably go a little bit boring and choose a golden retriever because not only do they

look like the, you know, the, the family dog kind of type, but they also embody the qualities

that we love in dogs, the loyalty, the companionship, the playfulness.

It’s like the Captain America of dogs.

I think.

Um, no, that’s pretty good.

So I chose, I just put it in the discord is the Rhodesian Ridgeback.

I feel has all the attributes that make a dog, a dog.

Like it’s not huge, but it’s, it’s, it’s midsize.

Uh, they have that kind of face that has all the bits that make a dog look like a dog.

Oh yeah.

What a handsome dog.

It is.

Rhodesian Ridgebacks are, I think like if I was, if I had the time and the money, this

would be the dog I would try to get, but I would never actually want a purebred.

I was like months, all my dogs have been months.

So, yeah, but it’s just, if I was going to show someone like, Oh, what is a dog?

And I was like, you could see like, there are smaller versions of this, like a Chihuahua.

There are bigger versions of this, but I think that is the representation of what a dog is.

No, I think you’re dead right.

Yeah.

It’s a very dog looking dog.

Yeah.

And what a beautiful name.

A Rhodesian Ridgeback.

Yeah.

They’re really, really cool.

Hmm.

What do you think is the least dog dog?

Uh, you get into the really weird ones.

Like, like, uh, the tall skinny ones.

What are, I forget what they’re called.

Whippets don’t look like dogs.

Uh, but then there’s tall ones.

It starts, it’s not Alsatian cause that’s like a German shepherd.

I can’t remember.

It’s, it’s a dog.

It’s really tall and thin and has long hair.

It looks like Cher.

Oh, is it an Afghan hound?

Afghan hounds do not look like dogs to me.

They look like supermodels.

Yeah.

They, but they look, they look just stretched out.

Anything that, that I think it’s almost like the hyper, um, almost designed animals.

So like wiener dogs don’t really look like dogs to me.

No, just the face really.

Yeah.

Their face does, but they’re, you’re looking at their body.

Like that’s not a dog.

And yeah.

So whippets, the really, really skinny, runny, like fast dogs don’t really look like, they’d

look like a separate species.

Also when it comes to whippets, um, when you look at them head on and the ears go back,

it just looks like a circle with a nose in it.

That’s a strange, it’s very, very cute, but that’s an, if you look at a dog, like the

Ridgeback you mentioned, if you look at it from the front, the ears give it the nice doggy

almost triangular shape.

Yeah.

But whippets are not like that.

They look very, very odd and very alien like, uh, from the front.

They need some filler.

They do.

They need a BBL and a filler.

Oh, BBL.

I, what does BBL stand for?

I’ve heard it.

It’s a butt thing, right?

Uh, is it a something bump lift?

Uh, okay.

No, I just, you just sparked a memory.

It’s Brazilian butt lift.

That’s right.

Examines Zombie Procreation

[Music]

It’s been a while since we did a C-McB.

And basically, I think the
problem is I had writer’s block and I

started leaning towards content on
the internet that I could comment on.

That’s not really what I wanted
that show to be because I have

an engineer in Japan, which is
commenting on the news in Japan.

And I didn’t want just like a non-version
of an engineer in Japan to be C-McB.

C-McB was experimental, it
was supposed to be different,

supposed to be fun,
supposed to be other stuff.

So, here we are. I’m back.
Why? Because someone asked

me a question and I realized
that is where I flourish.

Someone asked me, could a zombie
have a baby? And that question

settled in my brain and I’ve
been ruminating on it for months.

And so, in those months, I came
up with a multitude of answers

and I decided to work them
all out here with you today.

Now, the first thing is we need to
define a zombie, which seems like a really

simple thing to do until you go back
through the history of zombies in general.

Because what is a zombie? A zombie
is the living dead, the walking dead.

We have a lot of sort of amorphous terms
for what a zombie is, but nothing that’s

truly definitive and it’s because people
have zombie as a concept, it’s the undead.

So, I decided to go back
sort of through the history

and so let’s really
clarify what zombies are.

So, the very first zombie
type was a hypnotized villager.

Now, this is because the very
first version of zombies were

actually village people who
had been hypnotized by Dracula.

So, this is where the term undead comes from.
These people were not dead, but at the same

time they were living, but at the same time
they had no sort of self-will or self-control or

anima or whatever you
want to call it, because that

had been taken away by
the magical power of Dracula.

So, these people actually had very
little to do with dead bodies, which when

you think of zombies, you tend to think
of dead bodies rising up from the earth.

This is not the case in the very original way back when
zombie. They were called undead because they weren’t

dead, but they weren’t alive and they weren’t alive
because they had lost sort of their own free will.

Then we get into
sort of the 80s, I would

say, and the 80s became
sort of the mystical.

This is when you had the
Dungeons and Dragons crisis.

I had a sort of
hysteria named to it.

It was like, people were afraid of… It
was referred to as the satanic panic.

Satanistic hysteria kind
of took over the country.

Dungeons and Dragons
became a point of attack.

I actually remember that really
well, because this is when I was a kid.

If you watched a zombie
movie from the sort of

70s to 80s, you got a
sort of mystical version.

So, they would say hell is full or
some kind of magic had been done.

So, the magic had been done to raise the dead. So,
these were corpses that were somehow reanimated and then

came up out of the ground and usually brains, brains,
that’s kind of where we got that sort of stereotype from.

Then we get the third type.
The third type is when we get into the 90s.

I would say into the late 90s more than
anything else and these are chemicals.

And this is you can see the sort of
awareness or cultural commentary

that comes along with zombie
movies or horror movies actually shows.

Because you have, the original
was just I want villagers to do what

Dracula says and then it’s like
going to apply more to our concerns.

It’s going to apply to the hysteria
that’s going around Satanism at this time.

And then, now we get into the 90s.
What are the biggest, scariest things?

It’s chemical warfare. It’s chemical
in the air. It’s chemicals in our food.

So, these chemicals, usually the opening of this movie was the military is transporting
a truck and that truck has a crash and then barrel falls down, rolls into the water

or rolls into the ground and then breaks and then the liquid, usually glowing green,
seeps into the ground and then the next scene you have zombies coming out of the ground.

That was a very normal start to a zombie movie
at this time. Then you get the fourth one, which

is sort of the more modern zombie so this is going
to be the odds plus. This is usually a disease.

And you can actually see in a way
we’ve come full circle because while

number two and number three are sort
of corpses that have been reanimated.

Number one is just a
villager that’s lost their will.

The more modern films,
it’s usually some kind of flu.

It’s a disease that goes around. It’s incredibly
virulent. It took place before COVID. I

mean, this is actually sort of almost prescient
in how deadly diseases are going to be.

But it became really forefront
because we had the SARS issue.

We had a bunch of diseases go around.
The people were freaking out Ebola.

I remember Ebola. There
was even an Ebola movie.

It was really cheap,
really bad. Do not watch it.

But this means you don’t have corpses being
reanimated. You have regular people who

get infected with the disease and they lose
their self control. They lose themselves.

They become the living dead.
Very much like number one.

So in my view, these have
actually all become sort of full circle.

We went from people to corpses
in magic to chemicals reanimating

corpses to people who are
now being impacted by a disease.

Which is very different from hypnotized,
but it is a healthy human body that is then

attacking people because they’ve lost because
their brain has been infected by this disease.

So the question then, once
we’ve defined which zombie

we’re talking about has to
be can they produce offspring?

So I’m going to make a matrix of
a healthy male, a healthy female.

There is a zombie male
and a zombie female.

And so we can create kind of a matrix
of how the different things get together

because we also can a zombie have a
baby needs to be defined by the people

involved in trying to create the
baby. We would have healthy male

to healthy female. That can
produce a baby. Perfect. No problem.

We have a healthy male to a zombie
male. You’re missing some of the

requisite parts to produce a baby.
I’m just going to go ahead and say no.

You have a healthy female
and a zombie female also

missing some of the requisite
parts to produce a baby.

So that’s why there’s
no lines going down.

A zombie male and a
zombie female is a possibility.

A zombie male and a
healthy female is a possibility,

a healthy male and a zombie
female also a possibility.

But it depends on which kind of zombie we’re going to use.
Now, number one, we can immediately take that off the list and

say absolutely they can produce a child because them being a
zombie in this case is more metaphysical than actually physical.

Because I’ve lost my mind. My mind is now
being controlled by Dracula in this case.

It means my bodily functions
are all exactly the same.

So since my bodily functions
are exactly the same,

there’s absolutely no
problem with me having a

baby be it male or female
on either part of the

matrix because
everything’s in working order.

We have to assume we’re going
to go ahead and just assume

everything’s in working
order for this point.

Only problem then becomes
a complete lack of consent,

but I think that is something
we can say for all four

types of zombies is that consent
kind of goes out the window.

If we jump straight to number four, where
a disease is turning people into zombies,

I think if you catch it
early enough in the disease,

everyone is okay here
because a healthy male and a

zombie or a healthy male
and a zombie female because

she has a very virulent
flu, doesn’t mean that her

body is broken down,
doesn’t mean those things

don’t work anymore. So
they could produce a child.

Same with the zombie
male human female, if it was

early enough in the flu
aspect. Now the question

is the disease, how
much does it ravage the

body, what does it impact
that would need to be

defined to actually go
any further than that

because pretty quickly
disease is shut down

reproductive functions. So
there’s a whole secondary

question was can a
zombie male get an erection?

Because that is let’s
say technically required

for the functioning
of producing a child.

I have actually done a
whole episode, I think it

was in the old Velocipod
guest, where I talked about

whether or not vampires
could get boners and I

came out with two
solutions, one, they could,

because they could just
use magic and make a

magical boner because
there’s some kind of magic

keeping them alive, or
two, since they don’t have

a heart that beats
because they’re essentially

undead as well, there is
no blood pumping through

their body and therefore they
cannot produce an erection.

To really answer
the question, can a

vampire get a boner, you
need some more definitive

aspects about the
vampires physiology?

The same applies to these
2000 plus zombies, where it’s

a disease that’s keeping
them alive, making them

hyper aggressive,
that kind of stuff.

The walking dead falls into
either number two or number three.

Now I remember at
the end of season two,

they did talk about
something. I think they did

the disease one, but it
managed to reanimate the

bodies, but I don’t
remember enough because I

didn’t watch that show because
it got real boring, real fast.

Season two is when they lost me when they
decided, hey, let’s take this show where

we’re going to go across
the country and you

know, encounter zombies
in different situations

and just keep them
in a house for a while.

They went on for seasons
after that where they tried to

make up for it, they couldn’t
keep me. But I’m going

to stick with the chart
I’ve laid out here with

the 80s and 90s because
this is the ones where it

gets very difficult to
actually decide, because

if you use magic to
reanimate your corpse, that

magic could have a variety
of impacts on the body.

So zombie mail and zombie
female, it doesn’t actually matter.

We need a definition of how the magic
recreates the body. So I think the main thing

is because in the 80s,
number two, hell is full,

magic is reanimating
corpses. It depends how

decomposed the actual
body is when it’s reanimated.

So you have a corpse who’s just died
like minutes ago and you reanimate that,

everything might be still in
place to be fully functional.

But if you think
about the movies from

the 80s, it was usually
like a skeleton hand comes

up with half a chest
and half their face ripped

off all that kind of stuff
because of decomposition.

So that decomposition
is going to affect

all the organs within.
And I would say in that

case, you cannot produce
a child, be it mail or

female in any part
of the matrix here.

But if you get to the magic
part, you might be getting to this

whole Satan aspect where
there’s magic involved

where demons Satan himself
decides to implant a baby

within one of the corpses. The question
is, if it’s magic, then the magic could

impact the body of the
zombie so that it can

produce a child because
it’s magic, the zombie mail

impregnating a healthy
female would mean that

you’re getting genetic
material impacted by magic.

And so that would, the
question then becomes what

kind of baby would
you be producing?

Would you be producing
a half zombie baby?

Would you be producing a super baby?
Would you be producing a demon baby?

Because the magic is
the big question mark

because it’s very difficult
to decide what magic is

until you have to sort
of create a universe in a

story where the magic
has sort of its own set of

rules, a demon maybe
wants to create an error or

wants to be reborn so it
has a zombie impregnate

a healthy female so that
then it can be reborn itself.

So you might actually
be producing a demon.

Same kind of goes for the
healthy mail to the zombie female.

That happens and
then you end up with

some kind of demon baby being
incubated in the zombie female.

Or maybe the magic in the zombie female
that’s reanimating it is what creates

this strange offspring.
But the offspring itself

becomes a big question.
So I think in this case,

in the number two, you
would be most likely to

produce a baby between
zombies and humans or

zombies and zombies. It
would be a very interesting

question does a zombie
mail producing offspring

with a zombie female
produce a super zombie

or produce some other
kind of creature that has

the attributes and the
strengths of a zombie but

also the genetic material
of healthy humans?

That’s a whole different
question. The 90s chemical one

leads us to the same
problem but I think it’s less

likely to produce offspring
because the chemical

is reanimating corpses.
If it’s reanimating

corpses, then the damage
has already been done and

there’s no magic
element to like rebuild.

Now you could do the super
soldier serum kind of story

where the genetic
material where the genetic

material provided by the
zombie mail or the zombie

female has attributes
that increases the actual

viability of the baby.
But again, that doesn’t

seem to be that way.
It seems like in the 90s,

the chemical that was
going into the ground

was just detrimental.
The only thing it seemed to

do was create zombies
that would come up and just

desire to eat human
brains. It’s where in my

head, the brains, brains,
give me brains, hunger

brains, that kind of stuff.
That’s where that came

from in my mind. It
probably came a little early

like late 80s but I’m
trying to make this again

very clear transition so
it’s just really easy to define.

I’m going to cross
that out because I

think too much damage
has been done to the zombie

male and the zombie
female to be able to viable

produce offspring. But
the question asker did not

define enough elements
of the question to actually

come up with an answer.
So I think if you wanted

a zombie to produce an
offspring of any sort, be

it healthy male to zombie
female, zombie male to

healthy female, zombie male to
zombie female, that kind of thing.

I think the one you
need to go through

is the one you need to
go to is sort of the 80s

magic driven hell is
full demonic possession

style zombies that come
up from the ground because

since they’re imbued
with magic, they have more

opportunities to do
more opportunities.

There’s more viability for
them to be able to do something

like produce offspring using the magic
that’s reanimating them in the first place.

I was throwing out
some kids books and I

came across Star Wars
phonics. Friends to the

end and on the cover is
Han Solo and Chewbacca.

And I thought I would read
this story and go through

once reading, reviewing
this story is the kind

of thing that happens
when you have little kids

and you’re feeding them
children oriented content.

In this case, supposed
to appeal to the child

and the parent because
I’m a Star Wars fan.

I love the Star Wars. So
this actually appeals to me

as a Star Wars fan,
but hopefully we’ll also

appeal to my child.
But then as I read it,

I started doing some,
let’s say, criticism, let’s

say a little sort of analysis
of what was actually

going on in the book and things they were
kind of by choice leaving out of the story

when we’re teaching
our childrens for phonics

about Han Solo and
Chewbacca. So I’m going to read

this story and then stop
every now and then and

give you a little bit of
information that came to

my mind when I was
reading this story to my child.

This is Chewy and Han.
They do not look the same.

They do not talk the same,
but they are best friends.

Good message. Happy
with that. No notes.

Han flies the ship.
Chewy helps him.

That bugs me a little bit
because they’re co pilots.

Chewy can fly the ship
by himself. Han can fly the

ship by himself.
They fly it together.

They’re equals in this.
In this book, they actually

make Chewy take a
secondary role and that really

sort of bothered me
because to me, true friendship

is about equality. They
should be seen as equals.

The next page
says they jet right.

They jet left there in space.
They could jet up and down.

They could jet sort of on angles. I think
you’d be a little more creative with that.

But I get what
you’re trying to do.

Sometimes they need to
get away fast, fast, fast, fast.

Now here’s an interesting question. Why
do they have to get away fast, fast, fast?

In the original story, Han Solo was
running away from the empire and the huts.

The reason he was running
away from the huts was

because he had dumped
in the Star Wars universe.

There are things
called death sticks.

Now we would know them as
human beings on earth as cigarettes.

But in the Star Wars
universe, they created death

sticks as one of the more
illegal drugs in the universe.

Han Solo was
transporting death sticks

to another planet for the
huts. He was a smuggler.

He was smuggling contraband,
this contraband being a drug.

So he is essentially a drug mule, a
drug smuggler. And then he was caught

by an imperial ship and
he had to dump his payload.

Now the thing is, when you dump your load,
I keep wanting to make poopy jokes now.

If you dump your load, the
huts want to get paid back.

That was the whole
conflict between

Han Solo and the huts.
They just drift right past

that one in a second.
Now they’re using a scene

in the book where they’re
approaching the cloud city.

I can tell because in
the background there

are those two like pod ships that are
stuck together that make zero sense to me.

They weren’t running
away at that time until

the end when they
were trying to escape.

But the next sentence is chewy
steps up to help. They jet away, zoom.

Jet is now really bugging me
because I don’t think spaceships jet.

I’m sure they have
some other term for it.

Sometimes the ship will not jet.

Who can help Han fix it?
Chewy can lend a hand.

Now here’s the
problem I have with this.

This is when it actually
really sort of stuck in my

gourd and I felt I needed
to do an analysis of

this in front of other
people. Sometimes the

ship will not jet. Yes, it’s a
ship that breaks down a lot.

That’s true. No question there.

Who can help Han fix it?
Well, who can fix it should

be the question because
Chewy is the primary mechanic.

He’s actually really
good with machines.

He’s better at fixing
the ship than Han Solo.

Han Solo often gets in
the way. So for me, this is

again the inequality
that they’ve built up here.

It’s like they truly
don’t understand the

relationship or what these
two characters bring to

their relationship because
Chewy maintains and fixes the ship.

Han Solo, he helps Chewy.

So this sentence
should be the opposite.

Who can help Chewy fix it?
Han can lend a hand and then he

probably will mess it up.
So Chewy will kick him

out of the ship and
probably get an astromech

to help him instead.
Sometimes Chewy yells.

Who can tell what
Chewy says? Han can tell.

I don’t have any real problem with
that. Han can tell the Wookiee language.

He can… I guess he
did Wookiee in high

school or something. I’m
not really sure how you

would learn that.
Sometimes Chewy gets stuck.

He needs help to get
out. He needs a friend.

The picture they’re
showing is when he’s in his

cell and Imperial cell and
he’s just been tortured.

This is actually Han
Solo is thrown into the

same cell and he’s blind and he starts
to regain his vision and Chewy hugs him.

But it’s not Chewy is stuck.
They are both stuck and they need

to help each other. He
doesn’t need a friend.

His friend comes
back to very happy.

I don’t have really problem
with that. But, again, they’re

showing sort of an
imbalance in the ineptitude

of both these characters
because Han Solo, if you

really look at it, is
the more inept yet

charming character whereas
Chewy is the far more

competent of the two when it
comes to just doing regular stuff.

Friends help each
other in good times.

Friends help each
other in bad times.

I’m okay with that. But you’ll
notice it’s Chewy carrying

C3PO and Chewy, helping
R2D2 after he’s been

blasted by the machine
that he plugged into,

it’s Chewy helping
out everybody.

Whereas Han Solo, I think at
this point he’s actually been

frozen in carbonite.
Chewy and Han are best

friends to the end and we
know this is true because

they’re still friends when Han
Solo dies in the Force Awakens.

[Music]

How to Raise a Murderer

[Music]

So before we get started,
this is about a murder

and it’s very graphic and very
disturbing if you’re not into that.

You usually just stop listening right now.

So as we proceed from here,
there’s going to be some gross stuff.

It’s about a man who’s
decapitated and there’s some pretty

graphic details of what
actually happens to the body

because there’s some body
mutilation that comes later.

For those of you who are like,
“Ooh, I want to listen to this.

” Maybe think about
some stuff first.

So back in July, July 3rd,

a corpse was founded a love hotel.

A love hotel in Japan is a place
where people go to participate

and intimate activities
together for short term.

I’ve explained the love hotels before,

but what they are is Japan has
a lot of generational households

where you live with your parents,
parents live with their kids into old age,

so you might actually have
three generations in one house.

It means having intimacy in your
place sometimes isn’t always possible.

So they created this system of hotels

where you can stay for one
hour, two hour, three hours.

It basically paid by the hour

and entertain yourselves with your friends.

So in July 3rd, so July 3rd, staff went
to clean a room and they found a corpse,

but it was a headless corpse
that’s been decapitated.

Three weeks later, a
family of three was arrested

and the head was found in their residence.

So that’s pretty damning evidence

if they actually find the head
of the corpse in your house.

Runa Tamura, who is 30 years
old, who is the daughter of the family,

has been accused of murder, mutilation
of a corpse, and several other crimes.

Those are the two worst ones
that are going to get the most time.

The victim was a 62 year
old cross dressing man.

They met in the red-like
district of Sapporo.

Now, it sounds like they had had
relations multiple times in the past.

The motive of this murder
seems to be anger over

the unprotected sex they
had the previous month.

So it sounds like they
had had sex multiple times.

They had used protection, and
this last time, for some reason,

the guy didn’t use
protection, and Runa was

really angry about it, so
she decided to kill him.

They did an SNM session, where
the man, the victim, was bound,

and once bound was stabbed
in the neck with a folding knife.

Runa then decapitated the body,

and put this head in the
suitcase, and then took it home.

She was picked up by her
father, who is a psychiatrist,

who seems to have known what she did.

Now, what we find out
later is much more dramatic,

because you could actually say,

“Oh, the father didn’t
know what was in the bag.

” So he just picked up his
daughter when she asked for a ride

that makes perfect sense.

Once home, she started to skin the head

and remove the eyes she wanted
her mother to film her doing it.

So now we’ve gotten to
sort of the depths of depravity

that we’re actually
talking about in this story.

It is a lot.

The mother was arrested as an accomplice.

She denies doing this or
any guilt or any involvement.

The reason I started doing
the murder in Japan series

is because when you get the
actual court documents released,

usually this is from
TokyoReporter.

com, which is an
excellent website.

It’s where I get a lot of my news,

or when I get a lot of
stories that I want to

follow up on, they
release court transcripts,

which is a very interesting
insight into the murder itself,

and the actual ongoing of
the Japanese judicial system,

which is something we
don’t get a lot of insight into.

So that’s actually honestly the part I’m
more interested in than the actual murder.

Like the murder is the
impetus for this thing happening,

but I really want the insight in
how the Japanese system works

when they’re actually
prosecuting or crying.

So the first part is about the mother.

So the mother says under oath,

so she takes the stand she’s under oath.

She says I only found out
about the damage to the head

after it was brought into the house.

There’s actually an implication there

that she actually knew that the
head was coming into the house.

It was the damage she
didn’t know about until after.

So it’s not true that I
allowed it to be hidden.

When I found out it was
already in the bathroom.

It was so abnormal that I couldn’t
say anything to my daughter.

I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t accept it.

And I couldn’t say anything.

This seems sort of reasonable.

It seems sort of reasonable
because she’s essentially saying,

this is so beyond the pale off the chain

that I am just in shock immediately.

I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do.

I was just completely lost.

Runa wanted the mother to
video Runa doing the things

I’m trying to be gentle about.
I’ve already said it.

Runa wanted the mother to video her skinning
and removing the eyes from the head.

Regarding the videotaping, she said,

there’s a difference between carrying
out the videotaping and approving of it.

I wasn’t told what exactly
we were going to film.

I couldn’t bear it, so I asked my husband
to film it out of a desire for help.

I had absolutely no intention
of helping with the crime.

I had no intention of
helping with the desecration.

So she’s saying, look, my
daughter was doing this thing.

She asked me to video it.
I did not approve of the videoing of it.

I actually didn’t video it.
I gave it to my husband.

That doesn’t mean I
approved of what was going on.

But again, she’s kind of
saying she was in shock.

Her basic defense is
that she says she knew,

but she didn’t approve
of what was happening.

Therefore, she is not committed that
any of the crime she’s been accused of.

The father claims he didn’t
know about the murder until

Runa came home with the head,
but he did know about the S&M.

And that’s actually going to be a weird
little twist we hear about in a moment.

Details about the family
dynamic is that basically Runa

ran the house and she was
never punished for anything.

She was essentially sort of
the queen of this little family unit.

In a recording from October 6, 2020,
Runa yells abuse at her father in English

saying things like, “I want to kill you
and why don’t you follow my orders?

” So that actually gives
you already a sense of the

dynamic of what’s
happening in this household.

She’s saying like,
“I give you orders.

There’s an expectation
that you should follow them.

It doesn’t even make
sense to me that you don’t.

” The weird part to me is
that her father is a psychologist.

The father being a psychiatrist,
a psychiatrist, a psychiatrist.

The weird thing is that
her father is a psychiatrist.

He should be vaguely familiar with
the results of actually giving kids,

spoiling them and giving
them free reign, that

this is the kind of
person they grow up into.

But he actually seems to have had some sort
of deficiency and then fallen to this trap

that he has with his own daughter.

Now, there could be some other things
going on, DNA, genetics, who knows.

Like, I mean, there could be the bad gene.

Or it could just be, this is again a
nature versus nurture kind of conversation.

Did they raise her wrong and she
ended up a murderer or does she just like,

born bad and they did
everything they could to try

to make her a nice person
and give her a good life.

And she just like manipulated
all that as she grew up.

We’re actually never going to know.

Runa says in Japanese
on January 22nd, 2023,

“I’m going to get a little
stronger and kill you guys.

” That’s what I’ve always
thought my sister and I.

Now, the sister part is very interesting
because she doesn’t actually have a sister.

That same day, she says,
“I’ll kill everyone. That’s all.

” “Oh, some who responds,
don’t kill, I don’t kill any.

” Runa adds, “You’re not
even taking responsibility.

Just hurry up
and do it. You idiot.

” So this is again, the way she’s
talking to her father and the way her

father’s responding to her tells
you a lot about the relationship.

She says in Japanese
in an apparent reference

to the murder victim
on June 1st, 2023,

the other person thinks that he is
at my mercy, so I made him think that.

But I am the one in control. She goes on.

I thought it would be like a
contest of endurance because

I could pretend to be a
bitch as far as I could go.

But I don’t look like that kind of girl.
Don’t you think?

She’s basically saying, “I
look innocent, I see innocent, so

people don’t assume I’m capable
of this kind of level of violence.

” So then they put the
father on the stand and

the defense starts
questioning the father.

So defense, in one of Runa’s
statements, she said, “My sister, did

she have a sister? The father.
No. The defense. Who is her sister?

” The father says, “Runa. Runa’s
soul.” So when Runa refers to her

sister, she’s almost talking
about another version of herself,

it turns out that when she
talks about Runa’s sister,

she’s talking, that’s when
she sort of switches to English.

So we’re getting kind
of a feeling of a dual

personality thing
going on in the defense.

Who is the subject of the conversation
that says, “I killed my sister?

” The father, I think
Cynthia is the main character.

There are many other souls,
but Cynthia is the main character.

So now he’s talking about
multiple personality disorder.

Defense, who does
Cynthia’s soul want to kill?

The father, me and
Hiroko, the mother.

Cynthia thinks that Runa’s soul
died because of our response.

Defense, have you ever been
harmed by Runa? The father, no.

Defense, did she ever wave a
knife or a kitchen knife around?

The father, not directly at us.

So she has waved a knife
around in the past. The defense.

Regarding the fact that you
were forced to take photos of the

victim’s head, could the photo
session have been postponed?

The father. He only had one eye
left, and although it was Friday evening,

I had to leave for a business trip to
Kansai first thing the next morning.

If I returned on Sunday night,
I would be away for two days,

and I thought I would have to
ask Hiroko to take the photos.

He didn’t actually like even
conceive of the idea that you

don’t have to take these photos
that you should actually say no.

Just thinking about this kind of damage was
enough to send shivers down my spine. Hiroko could

not bear it. It may sound rude, but I thought
it would be better for this to end quickly.

On the night of July 1st,
2023, was Samu drove

Runa by car to Susuquino,
looking for the victim.

So this is basically where clubs may be the red
light district in Sapporo City. It’s a security

camera footage of Samu is shown inside the
club several meters from Runa and the victim.

So he’s driven her to a club where
the victim is. He’s dropped his daughter

off and he’s kind of hanging out in
the club waiting for them to come out.

The defense asks, what did you want
from the victim? I thought that if she

confronted him and there was an
apology, the situation could be repaired.

I thought that if he didn’t apologize, that would be an end
of it. So he’s just hoping there’s going to be some kind of

confrontation about this sexual relationship they had and it’s
just going to end that night after they have maybe an argument.

What were your thoughts
when you looked for the victim?

I hope that he wouldn’t be found
that she would just give up on it.

So he’s actually like the whole time going, I hope
she doesn’t find this guy. I hope we don’t have

to talk to this guy. I hope this doesn’t actually
work out the way I think it’s going to work out.

He knows something bad is going
to happen if she actually finds him.

The defense. I don’t think you
know anything about the victim.

So how did you look for places he might be? The
father. I didn’t get any personal information from

him at all. I heard his nickname and that he
often goes to clubs for older people on weekends.

So I looked for him based on those conditions.
The defense. When Runa went looking for

the victim, she called him Sheikah, which
is Japanese for deer on the line chat app.

How did she start calling him Sheikah? The father. When we were looking for the victim, neither my daughter nor any of the family knew him. So calling
him by his nickname didn’t sound good to my daughter. I guess she thought there were other ways to call him. My daughter asked me to call him Sheikah

just before we left. I don’t get the relevance of that. It’s an interesting point that they started talking about. This guy has a nickname in what
people should be calling each other. So Runa had bought the equipment. She bought a bunch of knives, several knives, and the father bought a suitcase.

And a saw because she told him to. She’s like, I want
you to get a suitcase that holds a hundred kilos and a

saw. And I’m not going to tell you what it’s for, but
we’re going to go see this guy that I’m really angry at.

The father and daughter
practiced SNM before the murder.

So that’s actually going
to be the bit that comes up.

Defense. Who is the one who started talking about
SNM practice? A father. From my daughter, after

making an appointment with the victim, my daughter
practiced saying I was attacked last time.

So this time I’ll be the attacker.
The defense. How long did it take?

I think it most it was one to two
minutes. Defense specifically. The father.

I was sitting upright with my hands handcuffed behind my
back and wearing an eye mask. And my daughter approached

me from behind touching me here and there. I remember
her asking me how it felt in interacting with me.

So she’s got her father tied up in an SNM kind of
bondage scenario. She’s taken a knife for some kind

of tool and she’s just touching him with it saying
like how does this feel? How do you feel right now?

And she’s trying to
figure out what the best

way of executing this
murder would actually be.

Osama’s internet history search
on June 25th, 2023 shows that he

researched the purchase of a large
black suitcase during questioning.

He said it was to be used for Runa’s
doll collection, which numbers over 100.

So she has 100 like toys,
stuffy animals, dolls in her room.

He’s saying the suitcase was for that.
The defense did Osama’s search for suitcase

load capacity 100 kilograms and suitcase
load capacity 50 kilograms. The father.

I don’t remember exactly, but I was asked to look
what could fit in it. So I did type it in myself

or click it maybe. How many dolls can fit in a
black suitcase? I think 20 to 30 can fit in it.

What about the 70 centimeter tall
ones? I think about 15 can fit in it.

How much do they weigh? Each one weighs
four to five kilograms. These are heavy.

So these aren’t stuffy animals
like I thought. These are big

heavy dolls and seven
decentimeters is about half my height.

So that’s like two three
feet tall. So if there’s no

cushioning or anything, it could
weigh about 50 to 70 kilogram.

Were you told to clearly
film the destruction?

I was told to film without being
told what was inside the bathroom.

So this is interesting a thing the defense is doing what they’ve
done is gone through. Did you buy the suitcase? What could

fit in the suitcase? And then switch immediately back to where
you told clearly to film what she was going to do to the head.

And he has to like pivot back and
forth. That might be to throw the person

on the stand off so that they have
to answer questions without thinking.

I’m just again, I’m interested in
the court proceedings and the

tactics that actually take place
when you’re actually on trial defense.

At what point did you realize that the mutilation of the
head would occur? The father I took the camera to the

bathroom and when I was shown the damaged bottles and other
things and I was told the eyes were still in the head.

I thought that the mutilation would occur. I didn’t
know until I got to the bathroom, but that does

indicate that he knew there was a head in there and he
hasn’t stopped this and he hasn’t called the police.

During the trial the prosecution’s explanation
of evidence revealed that before the incident

Osamu had searched the internet for fingerprints
can be erased with bleach. Very telling.

And suitcase load capacity 100 kilograms. For her part, Hiroko sent a line message to Osamu
asking, “By the way, will the GPS record of the car be saved?” She then deleted the message.

She’s asking like, “Is there going to be a record of where the car goes that night? Can
we delete that?” And then she deleted that message thinking that it would then disappear.

So then they get sort of switch topics and
they get into the weird SNM practice again.

Runa told me to sit upright in the
middle of the living room of our house.

Put my hands behind my
back and close my eyes.

Osamu told the
court as a witness.

I was told to sit as if I was
handcuffed and blindfolded.

I felt something moving
from behind and I felt

something touching my
cheeks and neck with a scarf.

So he’s saying there’s
some kind of binding material,

a scarf or something that
she’s touching him with.

Yeah, she’s testing to see what
his kind of reactions are going

to be before he actually goes
ahead and does this actual crime.

It turns out that a few more details
came out a couple days ago. There are

claims that she rented several horror
movies 10 days before the actual crime.

She rented the 2016 movie Terrifier.
She rented the 2017 movie Leatherface.

Both contain neck cutting scenes
which Runa recorded on her phone.

So she’s watching these horror
movies. She’s getting to these parts where

she actually like the murderer
kills someone by cutting their throne.

And she records that on her phone. We assume so
she can study it later. Runa and the victim had

sex multiple times. The last time there was no
protection used and she said you broke your promise.

The only other details
are about sort of her youth

and when she’s a child and
when she was brought up.

And it’s really just a question of how did she get to
this place in her life where she was able to command her

parents so freely where she was able to think that murder
was going to be an accessible solution to this problem.

Runa stopped going to school after middle school. She
never went to high school. She never did any schooling

beyond that. It sounds like she didn’t work. She just
stayed at home and ordered her parents to do things.

She already had control by that time over her
parents. Her parents raised their daughter

without getting angry. They bought her
everything she wanted the prosecution said.

They couldn’t scold her. The house was
overflowing with loonous things. Kidoko lived in

a small place and Osama had no place in the
house so he spent his time at internet cafes.

So because the house was full of her stuff, there was no
actual space for their parents. The father actually seemed to

spend most of his time outside of the house at internet cafes,
probably just surfing the internet reading and sleeping.

Kidoko would ask her daughter what she wanted and communicated with Osama
online. So basically she would say, “What do you want today? Maybe food?

Maybe a thing.” And then she would make that request to the father on a
messaging app and then the father would come home and just drop it off.

The mother called Runa young lady and spoke to
her in polite language. So in Japanese there is

familial language and polite language. There’s
different levels. There’s also very rude language.

That’s sort of the important thing you have to
learn when you start learning Japanese. When you

speak to your parents, you should be more polite,
just a little bit, but you’re still familiar.

In this case the mother is speaking to
the daughter like the mother is a servant

and then the daughter is sort of the master
of the house by calling her young lady.

Runa told her father to sell her
mother to a jukujo fusoku business, which

is a brothel that specializes in older
women instead of younger women.

And Osama was her personal driver. So like
when she went searching for the victim,

the father drove her around from place to
place so she could go hunting for this guy.

She made the father join all
nighters at game centers and other

places, Runa was selfish and
treated her parents like slaves.

So this is an ongoing case. There is
no resolution yet, but when we get to an

update, I will update on the actual
results, but it’s pretty clear she’s guilty.

It’s actually more interesting as to whether or
not the parents what they’re going to be prosecuted

with, what they’re actually going to be charged with,
what they’re actually going to find culpable of.

Because it sounds like in a weird way, once Runa took control over
the household, they were almost victims of her, but of course at

any point being adults, they could have called the police, they could
have looked for help, they could have tried to do something else.

But the father’s a psychiatrist is to me
one of the more interesting parts because he

fed into this as much as anyone else, but at
the same time, he should have known better.

So this is really just a statement for anyone
out there who thinks about having kids be strict,

do not let your children take control of
everything and do not be nice to your children.

I can’t stop with who will don’t be nice to your children. But
absolutely, this is a case for being strict with your children and not

giving them sort of that gentle, soft love and never saying no to
them like is actually a very modern trend of what is gentle parenting?

I’m not a fan of that. This is a very good example case of gentle
parenting and not saying no to your kids is not a good idea

because you could end up in a situation where you are driving your
child around looking for a victim and participating in the crime.

Which is going to get you arrested as well.

I think this murder in Japan series,
because this is the third one, if it keeps

going, should be Ninja Ninja Japan
specials, which is almost self evident.

But I’ve hit basically writer’s block.
I’ve been doing so many other projects

that I haven’t had any ideas for
things to talk about for a seeming be.

And I don’t want it to just die. So I think
that’s actually why I did it this way. I

kind of just took what would be a special
Ninja Japan and made it into a seeming be.

I was trying it out though, and I do like it.
There’s a lot less commentary a lot more just like

reading and passing on facts. I think this might
be one that’s better to do with someone else.

Like I go through this stuff and
then talk to someone about it.

Examines Movie Reality

(upbeat music)

♪ After the mind will be a category ♪

♪ Shop my pictures where
the bastards of philosophy ♪

♪ Drinking the clutch
brings up our skills ♪

♪ Like a sucker punch ♪

♪ Whole cart to see ’em my feet ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh see ’em my feet ♪

♪ Yeah, oh see ’em my feet ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh ♪

I watch a lot of movies.

If you are a big fan, you’ve probably
watched on YouTube, Seamick Bee, IMDB.

And it’s where I watch old movies.

It’s like 50% Kung Fu movies,
50% science fiction movies.

And I just make mystery science
theater style jokes about them.

If that’s your thing great, if it’s not,

I understand that’s not
like everybody’s deal.

But it shows just how much I watch movies.

I watch lots and lots and lots of movies.

I have a two hour train ride.

So I watch a movie
probably every single day,

which is a very nice
way to spend my time,

because on the train has
become my media time.

So I don’t work, I don’t come home
and actually watch TV or movies at home.

It’s almost always on the train,

but that sheer volume means I’m
always very satisfied with my media intake.

But it does mean that
watching that many movies

means you inherently start
to analyze that many movies.

So that’s a big thing for
me is seeing movies again

and again and again and then
see how they change things

and differences and then you
learn stuff about stuff in movies.

I did a whole episode of
Seamick Bee on Fake Blood,

how to make fake blood in
the original Dawn of the Dead.

It was actually chocolate syrup.

So when they were like,
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

” I eating the body.

It was probably all chocolate
syrupy over their face.

It was a black and white movie, so
it showed up really well and delicious.

Some of the fake blood was
not edible, but when they do

zombie movies, they want
the fake blood to be edible.

One of them used like a pepto bismal as a
base, which means those people had some

probably interesting toilet
experiences after eating

the dead bodies as zombies
in the movie they were in.

I mean, it’s the price of fame.

I have spent a lot of time
watching movies and of course

all these sort of, I don’t
even know if they’d be cliches,

but you learn stuff about science in the
real world and movies and how they relate.

And I’m getting to the point where it’s
like, now sometimes I see stuff and I’m like,

ah, I shouldn’t really
be doing that anymore.

Like the people who make movies
should know better than that.

So I kind of put together a list of things

that I kind of want to
stop seeing in movies.

I did, you’ve heard of the bestel test,
which is you have two female characters

talking to each other and
they’re not talking about

the man or not talking
about a man in the movie.

It’s very hard for a lot of
movies to pass the bestel test.

I made the C-McB movie
test and it was, if your country

has nationalized healthcare,
would this story happen?

Because I was looking at a lot of
movies where my a relative got cancer

and we didn’t have any money
and we’re gonna lose the ranch.

So we have to go rob a bank to
get enough money to save the ranch

or some sort of convoluted
thing like that whereas if

you had national healthcare,
none of that would happen.

So this movie wouldn’t exist.

So that was a different kind of test for
essentially, is this movie super-American

or have the singular American
ideal of what the world is like?

Because in most other countries, this
situation would not occur in the first place.

A lot of ranches came
up, I do remember that.

But these are more small things
that I think overall we forgive,

but I think it might just
be time for movie makers

to just be like, you know,
it’s time for us to just like,

let’s do this properly from now
on or find some other solution

or be more creative
in the way we handle

things so that this
sort of scientific reality,

oh fuck, that one that
pissed me off the most.

(laughs)

It was like the last Star Wars movie
that came out that I saw in theaters.

It’s the one where the
rebels are just flying away

and then the empire’s
just chasing them in space.

They were shooting
lasers and the lasers were

arcing in space and it
was setting me off so much.

Because in space, you do
not need to arc anything.

Like there’s no gravity to fight against.

You don’t need to
shoot up and down like a

mortar because there’s
no gravity in space.

Unless you’re close to a planet, but then
it wouldn’t necessarily arc up and down.

You might have to shoot it out and so it
curves back inwards and hits the target.

They were shooting at
the ships ahead of them

and they were arcing up and then
going down and then just missing.

Like they were boats, but they’re
not boats because they’re in space.

And in the movie, it
took me out of the movie.

The Will Helm screen also
takes me out of movies now.

I learned it as a kid
and then the first few

times I heard it, I
thought, oh, that’s cool.

I’m in kind of like this private movie joke
that if you know you know kind of thing.

And now when I hear it, it actually will
take me out of the movie in that moment.

So you could do it in like light
action movies or fun movies and stuff,

but if you’re doing a serious
movie, never use the Will

Helm screen that’ll actually
ruin the movie for me.

It’ll take me out of your movie completely.

I’m essentially adding to this
list of things that now when

I hear or see them, it sort
of takes me out of the movie.

Not if I, ah, you could turn
this into a drinking game.

So you could have every
time one, it make a list of this.

And every time one of these
things happens, you have to

take a drink or you’d have
to watch a bunch of movies.

Most of this stuff only happens once per
movie, or each stuff one really big drink.

Ah, you have to chug a drink.

So you’d be there drinking with
your friends, but other thing happens.

The last person to shout it out
has to jug something, has to jug.

I’m talking for 40 minutes
straight, I gotta get set.

Yeah, I’m gonna get to drink a water
and then I come back and continue.

Just give me a second.

See, I was trying to organize
this into a drinking game.

I’ve actually done a couple of
drinking games over my time podcasting.

Most of them had to do a Steven Segal.

I think I had two Steven
Segal drinking games,

but I’ve made some
other drinking games.

I’ll see if I can make
them available somewhere.

It’s easier for people to access.

But these are some of
the things, I don’t know if

they’re cliches yet, but
they should be if they’re not.

And movie makers should stop doing them.

So they’re my first one.

And it was a guy walks into a room and
he starts dousing the room and gasoline.

And then he stops and he starts mine.

Winded from running up the stairs

’cause they didn’t wanna
be right back for too long.

So the initial one of
these was I was watching a

movie and a guy was
dousing a room and gasoline.

And there’s someone laying on the floor.

And he’s gonna set the room on fire

and that person’s gonna
burn to death in the fire.

And then the person,
they’re sort of like hurt.

They’re laying on the ground.

They can’t get up anymore.

And the guy starts to do a little
monologue about essentially how evil he is.

And then he flips the lighter.

Now in reality, the whole
time has been talking.

All that gasoline has been
building up as fumes within the room.

So as soon as he flips that
lighter, the whole place goes up.

There’s no question about it.

If he’s standing too close to the place

when he flips the lighter,
that whole place goes up.

Gasoline, fumes are just
as flammable as gasoline.

I learned this one by watching
these guys, they had this giant pyre.

And they were gonna set up on fire.

They wanted to make a giant bonfire and
this guy was pouring gasoline all around it.

And then as he went to throw the match
in, before he even got to throw the match,

it exploded because all the
gasoline he’d been pouring on

had been accumulating as
fumes as this cloud around him.

That cloud went up and then
the inside of the pyre exploded.

So that’s when I learned,
yes, you can’t be standing

close to something you’ve
just doused in gasoline.

So when they do the gasoline
and then they make a trail

away from the building or
whatever, that makes more sense.

I don’t know how well
that works in reality.

But it would actually make most sense

if you just threw something
into the room from a distance.

So you are no longer
allowed to douse a room in

gasoline and then light
a zippo or light a match

and then not have the whole
thing just explode in your face.

This is relative.

So someone is running away from
something that’s about to explode.

Or I don’t know, it seems
to be on boats a lot.

I guess you get as he explodes
and then you’d like fall into the water.

The explosion throws them.

Maybe they’re unconscious for a few
seconds, but basically everyone goes whoo,

that was scary or that
was tough or that was fun.

You know, some sort of, you know,
pithy statement and then they’re fine.

Now what I learned was that the thing

that throws your body
into the air is a shock wave.

And it’s a massive change in air pressure.

And this is the problem with
having lungs as a human being.

That the massive change in air pressure
outside your body versus inside your body

means that a blast wave is actually
going to collapse your lungs and kill you.

So every time you see a movie,
this might be ruined movies for you.

You may want to stop right now.

If you actually want to enjoy
movies for the rest of your life,

if an explosion is powerful enough to
throw your body any sort of distance,

then that is probably crushing
your lungs in the process,

especially the massive explosions
we see in movies most of the time.

So if you are in a room
and there’s an explosion

and you duck into a hallway
and then the big fireball goes past

you and you go, oh, because
I’ve seen that in movies as well.

That also, again, the air pressure
alone will be enough to kill you.

So that’s not acceptable anymore.

You can’t have a body thrown.

You can’t just dodge to
the side of an explosion.

You can’t have a small barrio that you hide
behind and then the fire goes over top.

And it looks very dramatic on
screen, but it doesn’t hurt you at all.

You just go, whoo, almost got exploded.

Because the fire isn’t actually the thing

that’s doing most of the
damage and explosion.

It’s actually the pressure, the
sound wave, the shock wave,

all this sort of pressures
in this incredibly violent way.

That’s what’s going
to be doing the damage

to the stuff around
you and your body itself.

It’s the same, I actually
saw a movie not too

long ago and they jumped
behind a bar in a bar

where some bomb exploded
in the middle of a bar.

Now, they’re doing okay, but that
bar better be really, really reinforced.

Like, if it’s just a piece of wood and,
again, bars are not particularly thick,

I assume it would
actually kill you as well.

Getting shot.

Now, we all love people getting shot.

I actually do, let’s see
this as the problem,

’cause I enjoy the movies
where the hero gets beat down

and then gets up and fights through
and in reality, like his body’s broken,

but he’s, you know, so
his spirit is so strong.

It’s mostly like fighting movies
and Kung Fu movies and stuff.

I love the guy who gets back up.

It’s actually to me with the
biggest appeal of Spider-Man

as a character because quite often
in Spider-Man comics and stories,

Spider-Man gets his ass
kicked and then his sort of

resilience of spirit is
what carries him through.

Now, I had a similar experience,
only I had the realistic one,

where I was in a judo competition
and the guy pulled my fingers back

and broke two of my fingers and,
you know, I watched too many movies,

so I was like, tape it up, I’m going back
in and of course my resilience of spirit

is going to take me
to a place where I now

go back in and then
win with my special move.

The reality is, in a competition,
if you have two broken fingers

and a big part of the game is
grabbing each other like judo,

you can’t do that with
one hand and you lose

and I lost real fast and
then I started to cry.

And this is not like, this was like
not crying because I lost a fight.

This was crying because this
was the end of my judo career.

Like this was the realization
that I had been defeated

for the last very real
time in my life because my

hand’s going to have to
heal by the time it heals.

Everyone who’s sort of in my group
is going to have passed on beyond me.

All that kind of washed over me
in one moment and it was very sad.

It’s funny now because
I can see it in terms of

what would happen in the movie
and what happened in real life

because in the movie I would
have not used my hurt hand

and then done something really good and
then just used foot techniques or something

and beat them that way and
been the champion of the world.

In reality, 10 seconds
later I was on my ass.

So you get shot in the shoulder.

The shoulder has become the
default for this is not a fatal wound.

So it goes in, maybe it’s
still in there and they want

to do a dramatic scene
where they took a bullet out.

Maybe it’s a through and through

and it’s really clean and
they just have to stitch it up.

I’m pretty sure any bullet
wound is going to stop

you from doing much
for the rest of that day.

Like after a judo
competition or a judo practice

where I do well, I need to
come home and take it out.

And that’s like, say I’m not injured.

That’s just like from the
what I’ve just put my body

through that day, I need
to go home, lay down,

maybe have a cold bath,
I’m not doing anything

else the next day
with any sort of vigor.

These guys, they get shot, they sew it up

and they go back out and
they perform at 100% ability.

I’m a little tired of that or this
could work for stabs as well.

Like you get stabbed,
I’ve never been stabbed.

But I’m assuming after you stab, you just
kind of like don’t do as well at anything.

There are people who get hurt stabbed
or shot and maybe they don’t notice

but then they should continue on not
noticing and then just drop from blood loss.

I think that actually would be an interesting
thing to do in a couple of movies.

Like during the middle of an action scene,

a guy just drops, you
could then you realize he

got shot and they didn’t
deal with it fast enough.

The volume of bullets is pretty significant,
like getting shot multiple times.

I’m sorry, I can’t see that ever again.

It’s always dumb action movies.

So I guess I’m more forgiving because I’m
not expecting them to be really realistic.

But if we’re gonna talk about realism
in movies where they’re shooting guns,

it’s the sheer volume of ammunition
they would have to bring with them.

Like, there was a guy who calculated,

it was a John Wick or it
was probably before that.

So maybe a Matrix movie.

For them to shoot the
sheer volume of bullets,

they’re shooting in
those action scenes.

They would need a guy behind
him with like a wheelbarrow,

full of ammunition to
help him reload constantly

because they’re just
like going through these

machine gun clips in
seconds and they’re reloading.

But where are those reloads coming from?

That, of course, again, being the Matrix,

it’s kind of got like
a magic element to it.

So I guess it’s pretty
easy to forgive in that case.

Like, you could just have in
the Matrix a, like you just have to

do like a video game where you
unload and reload and it’s fine.

It’s just full because it’s
the Matrix, it’s not real.

But that would mean the
real parts of like the bits filmed

outside the Matrix have to be
even like hyper realistic then.

They have to follow like super rules.

And I actually have guys
with barrel it’s of ammunition.

I think they did that in a third movie.

They had one where it was Max
and that guy was coming up and

he was basically shoving
bullets up to reload those things.

So I guess the Matrix did a good job.

We’ll give some credits in the Matrix.

Something that bothers me just personally.

And this comes from being not a rich dude

at any point in my life
is when they have guns

and it’s empty and
they just throw it away.

I’m like, do that’s expensive,
don’t throw that away.

It’s just wasteful.

When you defeat an
enemy, I absolutely believe

you should pick up
his gun, use it until it’s

dry and then continue
on with your own gun.

Maybe throw his gun away because
it’s empty and you don’t have his refills.

But I think at the end of
the day, guns cost money

and we should be a little
bit more fiscally responsible.

Maybe there’s another
environmental element in there as well.

On a very, very small side note,

just racking shotguns
unnecessarily on a regular basis.

Like, oh yeah, like it’s cool.

Racking a shotgun is one of
the coolest things you can do.

But I think it’s unnecessary
most of the time.

Still talking about gun fights.

Gun fights are a big
part of a lot of movies.

Like, suspense movies,
lots of movies have gun

fights in them because
guns are very exciting.

Hiding behind a couch or a
car door during a gun fight.

I don’t want to see that ever again.

Or I don’t want to see it
and have it be successful.

So if you hide behind a couch,
technically they can’t see you.

But if they do that thing where they shoot,

but they shoot the
couch, the couch is not

providing you with any
sort of defensive mechanism.

It’s just hiding your position.

The car door, a small gun bullet is going
to go through a car door fairly easily.

The only thing you can really hide behind
in a car would be like the engine block.

Maybe the wheels would be strong enough.

But still, again, if you’re
hiding on one side of

the car behind the wheel,
the bullet would have

to go through the car, maybe
through the wheel as well.

I could see that doing something still.

Big, big gun probably still doesn’t work.

The engine block is the only thing
that has substantive enough to stop it.

I actually, now we’re
getting onto electric cars.

I don’t know enough about
the structure of an electric car.

I know most electric cars.

They put it like a panel
of batteries on the bottom.

And each wheel has like a little engine.

That’s an interesting question
that I didn’t think about

until I just got here
right now, because I’m

thinking movies where
it’s like a big gas engine car.

That doesn’t exist anymore.

So when they have the scene
where the car is going towards

the bad guys and everyone’s shooting at
the car, essentially, it’s the engine block

that’s technically supposed
to be stopping all those bullets.

The engine block doesn’t exist
anymore in a modern car in a real way.

Ooh, I think I found a new problem
just by talking through these old problems.

We’re going to have to revamp
gun fights for electric cars.

We could blow them up
way more dramatically now,

because we can have the battery
set off, just like the Samsung phones.

The car, the bottom of
the car, like it’s that film

that goes in expands and then the
whole car like lifts up and then explodes.

It would give you a second run away.

And the explosion wouldn’t
be violent enough to throw

your body, so you’d actually
be able to survive that.

I think I’m solving my own problems by
talking through my problems with movies.

Electric cars actually deal with some of
the problems I’m talking about, that’s neat.

Okay, sorry, back on
track, back on my notes.

Hiding behind a couch, if they shoot
through the couch, you should get hit.

I mean, there is this
very, very small chance

that your body is not in
the place they’re aiming at

because they can’t see your
body, but realistically speaking,

they’re gonna shoot a couple of
times and then they’re gonna get you.

I never wanna see someone
run down a hallway away

from enemies and the
enemies have machine guns

of some sort or a goutling
gun or something and they

shoot down the hallway
and don’t hit the person.

It’s just not even that it’s like
dumb, it’s statistically impossible.

Like because it’s essentially a tube
and you’re running down the tube

and then shooting down the
tube as well, they have to hit you.

So you have to do something else.

You have to like duck into a doorway,
you have to have something happen.

If you are running down a straight hallway

and people are shooting straight
down the hallway, they gotta kill you.

I guess this has to be it from now on.

I can’t ever see someone run down a hallway
away from gunfire again and survive.

And that makes no sense and it’s
really, really annoying to me now.

This should relate to the
shoulder wound rule as well

’cause if I’m running down a hallway and
people are shooting, they’re gonna hit me.

They’re gonna hit me, therefore, I
should probably hit the ground pretty hard.

Talking about hitting
the ground pretty hard.

So John Wick, I am willing to
accept the magic bulletproof suits.

I think it’s cool.

They all get to wear a
nice suit and then they

can hold up the jacket
and that’s bulletproof.

But the thing that pissed me off in that

is that the bullets
then also lose all impact.

So I have my bulletproof suit on.

It’s stopping the bullets venturing my body
but the bullet is still hitting my body.

If you watch the John Wick movies, they
get shot and those magic bulletproof suits

just stop the bullets and they
don’t seem to have any impact

on the receiver at all, I
guess the victim, I don’t know.

That really started to bug me
because it would be actually really cool

is if I’m wearing the
magic bulletproof suit

and then my opponent
shoots me, it knocks me down.

It hurts, I get big
bruises, it like wins me.

It’s basically like being
punched from a distance.

You’ve now turned a
gunfight into a fist fight

in a weird way as long as you don’t hit the
face because their faces aren’t covered.

They did a couple of where
they held up the jacket

and front of their head and
then shot around it and stuff.

But then this is still loose material.

This material, yeah, okay,
so it’s stopping the bullet

but then it seems to be
like deflecting the bullet

or have some magic
power where it’s almost like

a Star Trek shield
that’s stopping the bullet.

That part went a little too far from me.

I actually think they
could have incorporated

physical results of
getting shot, not killed,

but getting shot and it
knocks you down, it hurts you,

it dislocates your shoulder
if you get shot enough.

It causes you enough
pain that you’re winded,

you can’t breathe and then
you have to fight through that.

You have a very, very
interesting scene going on

because you can shoot
a guy and then he’s like,

“Oh, God, my side, I
can’t breathe anymore.

” And then you have
a chance to escape.

They shoot you and they knock you down.

Now I have to struggle
to get up and escape again.

It should absolutely add a
minimum, knock you off balance.

Like if I’m running and then someone,
I’m wearing my magic bulletproof suit

and then someone shoots me,
it should knock me to the side,

it should knock me over, it should make
me trip, something like that should happen.

‘Cause I am still being hit
with something at speed.

Since we’re talking about running,
these all vaguely relate to each other,

which is interesting, I
didn’t do that on purpose.

Doing any sort of sort of
parkour without warming up first.

Parkour with no injuries, no
ankle twists, no stretched muscles.

Like I have done workouts
where mid-workout,

I’d warm up properly
and still pull to muscle.

I would like to see some parkour guys just
kind of hit a ground and just lay there.

Just like, ah, my ankle, ah, my
back, my shoulder, my something.

A parkour is one of
those things, I get, again.

You’re doing it to be acrobatic and cool.

Let’s throw just a sweet
salt of reality in there

and just have someone just
every now and then twist an ankle.

It would actually be a little
bit more high tension for me,

knowing that in this reality
they can’t actually get hurt.

‘Cause once they start doing parkour again,

they’re sort of
magical inability to have

injuries, sort of pisses
me off after a while.

I think this might be me getting old.

‘Cause I can’t do those
things even if I do warm up,

so it’s not fair that you
can do it in the movie.

Now we’re getting into
some pretty clear ones.

Stopped hearts being
restarted with the

fibrillators, that’s not
how the fibrillators work.

They get your rhythm back on track.

They do not restart
something that has stops.

So once your heart stops, unless you’re
using magic or something else, you’re dead.

I think that’s just the way it goes.

Something I learned from,
was it the locksmith lawyer?

It was on TikTok or YouTube.

It’s the guy who uses
very simple tools to

pick locks and he picks
them really super fast.

He actually will hit some
locks with another lock,

and if you hit it in the
right spot, it just unlocks.

He didn’t experiment where
he was shooting a gun at a lock

like they do in a movie, and
it just deformed in the lock.

It actually made it impossible.

It wouldn’t unlock anymore,
essentially it was what would happen.

And you couldn’t hit the bar, I’m
thinking one of those classic locks

was just a square with a
little rounded bar on top.

If you hit the bar, it would deform
the bar but not actually break it.

If you hit the actual body of it,

it would actually just lock
into place and never open.

You’ve actually made it
harder to break that way.

So they just start using the locksmith
lawyer, lock picking techniques in the future.

So you run up and just hit it
with something and then it opens.

But shooting it is
actually a really bad idea.

It actually would make it
harder to open in the long run.

A chloroform, I don’t actually, I
haven’t seen chloroform in a long time.

So I guess that’s one’s pretty forgivable.

Chloroform, they used
to put it over someone’s

face and they would
just instantly fall asleep.

Chloroform in reality takes
about five to 10 minutes

to work and it depends
on how big your body is.

So I’m 200 pounds, six foot.

You’re putting chloroform on me.

It’s gonna take let’s say
seven minutes before I go under.

And that’s if I’m breathing deeply
while you hold that thing over my face,

which I’m not going to do
because I’m gonna be very annoyed

that you’ve just stuck
something on my face.

‘Cause I’m first question is ’cause
we have you washed this cloth.

Like is this a clean cloth
covered in chloroform?

That’s what I would wanna know.

And then if it’s not, now the flight is on.

It would take a very large
volume and a minimum

of five minutes to
actually take effect.

So I’m saying, again, we want
creative solutions to these problems.

In this case, what you should
do is just create a new chemical.

So it’s not chloroform,
it’s chloroform 2.

0, it’s a new chloroform,
it’s chloromax.

Whatever, just so that it
does go on the person’s face

as this is instantaneous,
the problem is if it’s something

that’s instantaneous
and I’m carrying it around,

I’m probably breathing
in those fumes as well.

You gotta be careful about that.

I don’t wanna see someone carrying something
that knocks you unconscious instantly,

and they’re just like,
have it in their hand

and they’re breathing it
and they have no problem.

Every new thing you create
also might create new problems.

You have to think about
it all the way through.

The pulling out a grenade
pin with your teeth,

I haven’t even seen that in
years and years and years.

I think that was like a really old trope.

It’s very obviously not
something that comes out easily.

They don’t want grenade
pins to just pop out

simply, so a real grenade,
apparently if you put it

in your teeth and you pulled your
teeth would come out before the pin does.

So it takes a great amount of force,
and I thought actually would be great

if you came up with a more
creative ways to pull the pin.

So the teeth looked
cool, I’m okay with that.

But realistically speaking,

you can only do that
once or twice before

everyone’s like, okay,
we get it, it’s kinda silly.

But hooking it on something and
pulling it and then throwing the grenade,

racking your gun with the
grenade pin to pull it out

and then throwing the
grenade and then shooting,

I could come up with three
or four that don’t require

unrealistic scenarios
that could still look cool.

Like I don’t want things
to not look cool anymore.

I just want them to look cool
in a new and more realistic way.

I want them to take
actual physics into account

when they’re making
their cool action scenes.

I think that would actually be more
visceral and more exciting for most people.

‘Cause it’s almost like you
wouldn’t know it was real,

but deep down inside you would
kinda know this was more realistic.

Like you can kinda feel when something
is more realistic than something else.

And the last one, it kinda
happens in John Wick as well.

Silenceers.

Silenceers dampened sound.

They don’t silence.

I guess you could
come up with magic new

silence or that does
actually make the sound.

But yeah, if I’m in a room and you
assassinate someone in the room next to me

with a silence rod,
I’m still gonna hear it.

So I’m gonna know what’s going on.

So I’d be okay with that.

Like you assassinate
someone, they’re in their bed.

If someone else is downstairs,
they would hear the good, it

wouldn’t be like, then people
next door might not hear it.

But me downstairs, I would hear it.

And then I come up and then
we can have our action scene.

And then you’re using
a silencer appropriately.

I saw a guy on YouTube
and he was shooting a silencer

indoors already a lot of
questions going on there.

But he was like, you could
see like there was the smoke,

the big cloud of smoke,
so you’d be able to smell it.

Even if you hadn’t heard
it, there was a lot of noise.

And there was a lot of sort of
like, almost blast came off at like,

it shook the room around it because
he was in a hallway shooting into a room.

Yeah, I think we could ease
off the silencers a little bit

and that would actually make it
again, more exciting because, okay,

we’ve not alerted maybe the
whole compound of terrorists,

but we’ve alerted the
compound, the terrorists

in the next couple of rooms
and we got to deal with

them quickly enough
before they raise the alarm.

Now I’ve added another layer
of tension to the situation.

I am thinking, is there a way
to turn this into a drinking game?

Because I think every
one of these individually

only happens once or
twice in a movie anyway.

It’s like even if you’re
in the movie scenario,

it wouldn’t be enough to be
a drinking game on its own.

But I’m trying to come up
with a way to make this into it.

Maybe a bingo card.

We make a bingo card of all those things.

And then as you watch
the next five or six movies,

the ones that come up, you
check off and whoever gets bingo,

they get a prize in
your little friend group.

They are the coolest movie watcher ever.

Or you could just have this list and
then when one of these things happen,

if you don’t call it out,
you have to chug something.

Something that probably is too much
for you to drink, you shouldn’t drink it.

I don’t know how to end that fuck.

I had a, it was a good idea.

I don’t want to encourage,
like, binge drinking.

Drink responsibly, make movies responsibly.

(upbeat music)

♪ After the mind of the Academy ♪

♪ Shocked my big chest ♪

♪ Where the bastards of philosophy ♪

♪ Drinking at lunch ♪

♪ Brings above our skills ♪

♪ Like a soccer punch ♪

♪ Won’t come to see what my big ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh see what my big ♪

♪ Yeah, oh see what my big ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh ♪

Examines AI art

(upbeat music)

♪ After the mind on the Academy ♪

♪ Shocked my pictures ♪

♪ Where the bastards of philosophy ♪

♪ Drinking a clutch ♪

♪ Brings above our skills ♪

♪ Like a sucker punch ♪

♪ Boy, come to see ’em, I’ll be ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, see ’em, I’ll be ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, see ’em, I’ll be, yeah ♪

♪ I’ll see ’em, I’ll be, yeah,
yeah, oh ♪ So we’re back.

We’re talking about AI again.

I don’t think we’re ever really
gonna stop talking about AI

because AI in itself does
not have any morality.

The morality that AI will
end up with will be something

that’s programmed by
people, but people are abusive.

And so this is it.

I think AI in itself is
inherently not good or bad.

Just like the internet is
not inherently good or bad.

It’s done some amazingly good things.

It’s done some awful horrible things.

It’s where scams come from now.

I have the same thing about AI.

A lot of scams are gonna happen because AI

and it’s some really wonderful
things are gonna happen

because of AI and it’s
up to us to control it.

The problem is the people who are often
in control don’t care about other people.

So this stems from
the second part of this

story, but let’s get
into the first part first,

where we get a little bit of sort of
irony or karma or something like that.

Where in 2022, this was the first
big story about AI who’s surfing art.

Like, is this okay?

We should think about this a little more.

A guy using AI to create an image, one
first place in a state fair competition.

And so he used, he says he
did a hundred hours of work

using different AI generators
and then Photoshop

and manipulating
everything to make this image

that he submitted, he
says he told the judges.

But the judges claim they didn’t know.

So they looked at this piece of artwork and
said, “This piece of artwork is amazing.

“That’s the winning
piece for this state fair.

” This of course then becomes a controversy
is AI generated art or is it not?

He’s claiming, again, a
hundred hours of work

went into this picture
that he says he made

but the problem is
mid-journey also contribute

to a Google AI at the
time contributed to it.

Photoshop contributed to it.

I know a lot of artists who
actually think Photoshop

is already taking away
from the idea of art,

from the actual handmade
feeling or aspect of art as skill.

Whereas someone in computers would be like,

“Well, you know,
computers are a skill in itself.

” I could see myself
making a piece of art

and then using Photoshop or
something to maybe touch it up.

But if it was going to be a big art piece
installation, like a picture I put up,

I think I wouldn’t want
that all to be handmade.

I wouldn’t want anything
in that generated by AI.

That’s just my instincts.

It’s not to say that I’m right or wrong.

It’s just my feeling about art.

It’s one of those things where
art is something you make

as a human being to
sort of express yourself.

After he won this competition and the
controversy comes out and the news comes out,

he says to the news,
and I think this is already

his first mistake, he
goes, “Art is dead, dude.

” If you want to make a
serious sort of statement

about the future, about technology
and stuff, you got to cut the dude out.

I say dude a lot.

If I’m being really honest,
my day-to-day conversation

is talking to people, I
actually say dude quite often.

I actually use it as an
expression of frustration.

I use it for both male and female.

To me, dude is gender neutral.

But if I was going to
make a serious statement

to the news about something that
I wanted people to take seriously,

I don’t think I would
throw a dude in there.

He says, “Art is
dead, dude, it’s over.

” AI won, humans lost.

So this to me is the first
irony, is that he’s a human.

So if humans have lost, he has to
actually include himself in that category.

So if he’s in that category, he
too has and is going to lose out.

And that’s maybe the first
step is he doesn’t see the irony

of what he’s doing to himself here as he
loses because AI in this case kind of wins.

So because he won and
this piece of art became

relatively famous, it
was all over the internet.

News outlets were showing it.

They were talking about it.

He tries to copyright
his piece of art, this image

so that other people
can’t, you know, steal it.

So despite the fact that we
know that AI to generate an image

has to be taking images off the internet,
learning from them, learning what they are,

so essentially stealing
other artists’ work to learn

to then add those elements into
the new piece of art it creates.

AI is stealing art on his behalf.

He’s using a sort of two,
three degrees of separation

to justify the fact that
he hasn’t stolen anything.

The AI is just learned,
it’s changed it, it’s modified,

it’s a new thing, therefore it’s
not theft in the traditional sense.

So he has this new thing that he made,

but he hasn’t actually made it because
AI has kicked in some effort there.

So his copyright application gets rejected

because they’re saying
as much as you may have

contributed to this, AI
also contributed to this.

AI has been stealing from other artists,

they don’t use those
words, but they’re

saying like, AI’s not
doing anything original.

You can’t copyright a non-original work.

It’s lifted, it’s copied, it’s
taken from other artists.

You can’t copyright that
without paying royalties

or giving kickbacks or
figuring something else

to give back to those
artists in the first place.

So they’re essentially
saying, because AI contributed

to this art, you as a
human cannot copyright it.

So his copyright claim has now
been, he’s now lost because AI has won.

He tried again and again and again.

And was rejected again
and again and again and again.

Now, if you go on Etsy,
people are selling this image.

It’s on cups, it’s on
t-shirts and other stuff.

They’re making money off it.

He’s not getting a taste
of any of that money.

He’s not getting a taste of any of that
money because he can’t copyright that image.

Since that image is now free on
the internet, other people are using it,

they might be making
thousands, hundreds of thousands.

Perhaps even millions,
I doubt it’s that big.

But he’s losing revenue
because he cannot copyright

that image because people
are now stealing the image

that he made from him, that
as we know, because of the

way AI works, that the image
was stolen from someone else

in the first place, they’re
not getting paid for that work.

So now in Colorado,
this guy is trying to sue

Colorado to force them
to create the copyright

because he has apparently
lost potential millions of dollars.

Now, the interesting thing to
me now is he’s actually too late.

So he’s already like the boom on
this piece of artwork is already gone.

AI art, generated art, state fair
art, isn’t the kind of long lasting art

that people are going
to review and see again,

and it’s not going to become
part of the consciousness

like the statue of David or something else,
or like even if you haven’t really seen it

or you don’t really care about it,
you kind of know what I’m talking about.

This isn’t going to do that, it’s not
going to have that sort of cultural impact.

If he didn’t get it right away
in 2022, he’s not going to get

it in 2024 by 2026, people
have probably forgotten about it.

It’s going to become a footnote in history
as the first piece of AI generated art,

and you notice every time they talk about
it, they don’t talk about his contribution.

They only talk about
the AI art contribution

of this piece of work because
that’s the only bit people care about.

Dave is just collapsed out of his bed.

He sleeps, he sleeps hard.

I mean, let’s just give him some credit.

So when we start looking
at back the history of AI

and how AI, how it fermented, how it began,
all the things that AI has or can do,

don’t probably be a picture
of his piece of artwork

in even textbooks or
Wikipedia and stuff in the future,

but what’s actually going to end up is
he’s never going to get a penny from that

because his contribution
is now less meaningful

to that art than the
contribution from the AI

like mid-journey, which
takes us into a second

lawsuit that’s going
on right now as well.

And it’s deep AI, the big big company
that is basically the AI company right now.

They are suing pretty
much the world to try to

get an exemption from
copyright across the board.

So the statement from the CEO is, we
can’t train AI on only public domain stuff.

So he’s basically saying right now,
AI is allowed to go out on the internet,

find public domain stuff,
put that into their generation

or whatever they do to create the
AI, to give it something to learn on.

And he’s saying the problem is,

that’s not enough for us to make a
modern intelligent AI, which I agree with.

The problem is what he then has to do is go

to copy written material
and use that to train his AI

and then that will then generate
new iterations of that thing.

So we’re talking about artwork,
we’re talking about writing,

we’re talking about like actual
work that could be done by a person,

that will not be done by
a person if the AI does it.

So all those people who
created the source material

are saying, I’ve copy
written this work, you want to

take this work from me, then
you got to pay me royalties.

And they’re saying, well,
we can’t afford to do that.

And we’re like, well,
if you can’t afford to

do that, then you
can’t use that material.

He’s like, but we need an exception
because we need this AI stuff to work.

Otherwise, how are we
supposed to sell this AI

and how am I supposed
to make millions of dollars?

Ironically, the dude
already has millions of

dollars, but I don’t
think that’s the point.

I think the point for
him is to own everything

and have all knowledge at his
fingertips that he is then in control of.

This is actually my biggest fear is that a
single dominant AI actually takes control.

And that’s the one whoever
owns that is the one that Jeez,

at the end of the day, there’s
nothing we can do against it,

except create our own
internet that is not a part of.

Oh, I’ve actually said this a bunch of
times while talking about technology stuff.

We just need two internet.

We need the now more
commercialized internet,

which is going to be your
traditional key TV cable package thing.

It’s going to have Netflix.

It’s going to have all this stuff.

It’s going to have Facebook.

It’s going to have whatever
Twitter on and all this other bullshit.

That’s the one I probably
wouldn’t go on anymore.

That’s the one you can put
all the AI you want on there.

I would be on the second internet,
which doesn’t have any of this shit.

And it’s just people generating
stuff and making stuff.

And it’s to me, the good old internet.

And I’m a very old man.

So maybe I’m just my nostalgia’s kicked in

and I only remember the
good bits of the old internet.

But I do remember that it was all
people and it was all stuff made by people.

And I was always really, really impressed

by the creativity of people and all
the stuff that happened on there.

And that is the stuff I would
like to see a lot more of.

So really, what the guy
from this company is saying

is we want to take all the material that
people have made and put on the internet

and not pay any copyright,
not pay them at all.

And then take that material
so that our AI can generate

new versions of that and
put those people out of work.

And that way, they don’t
only not get copyright,

they no longer get to
do the work they love.

So let’s talk about
this podcast that I make

and I enjoy making
podcasts and AI comes in

and it can make a perfect Cmic
B or perfect Ninja News Japan

or a perfect Montana L Diablo or
a perfect daily affirmations weekly.

And it can generate one every single day.

That is the same if not higher
quality than the one I make, my quality.

Again, if I’m drinking lunch,
as the theme song says,

is pretty hit and miss
and let’s be honest today.

I had a little gin in my coat
while I was having my lunch.

It’s a very nice afternoon.

I’m probably gonna be sleepy
by the end of this podcast.

But that’s irrelevant.

That’s another thing.

AI can’t get drunk with you.

Can’t hang out and talk to you.

So you come to a stream with an AI thing.

It’s not had a couple cocktails
and has a sort of different attitude.

And it’s all a different kind of smooth
atmosphere to everything that’s going on.

No, it’s just AI.

And then eventually that gets boring.

But if it can generate the exact same
show I make, then it’s going to do that.

And I can’t keep up speedwise.

I can’t release an episode every
day because I have a full time job.

Now there’s no one
listening to this podcast.

And it just keeps generating
and generating and generating.

And I see it’s going to kill the name
because again, it’s going to hit this limit

of I haven’t made any new stuff
because I’m no longer making podcasts.

So it has nothing it can learn off of.

So now it has to go into repetition.

It has to go into iterations of
the same thing over and over again.

This essentially hit
the writer’s block of AI

when other people are not
introducing new ideas into the AI.

Now it could do some creative things.

Let’s combine two other things
I’ve stolen into one new thing.

So that one new thing is slightly
more interesting for an extended period.

But I think there is
a limit to the level of

creativity because it
can never go into left field.

It just can’t go out of nowhere
and do something unusual.

It can’t add in new elements without having
someone tell it to add in new elements.

Basically the future of AI is very boring.

It’s actually my biggest concern.

Like if you want to put everything into AI

and everything relies on AI
and AI is making everything,

it’s going to hit a point where
it just everything is boring.

And we’ve already hit that with like
formulaic movies and formulaic TV shows

and formulaic things and we have these
expectations and they’re never broken.

So we’re actually getting bored with a
lot of stuff because we’ve hit peak TV.

Like I have a dozen TV
shows like I know it’s good

and I want to watch it,
but it’s already too much.

Now if AI starts generating even more and
then I get to this point where it’s like,

well it’s just the same
show with a slightly

different name where it’s
a slightly different change.

They’ve just been ripping each
other off for like the last six years.

And I’m like, why am I even watching TV?

And I can totally see that
actually happening where that’s

one of the things that actually
kills television and movies.

So the next question in the court case is
how much money is your company made?

So of course it’s
millions, billions of dollars.

And then the second
question is how much have

you paid out in royalties
and the answer is zero.

So they’ve taken, they
knowingly have taken music.

They knowingly have taken like art.

They’ve knowingly have
taken just scripts and stuff.

A lot of comedians were suing AI
because the big thing for a little while,

it’s kind of gone away, but it’s gonna
come back, is can AI make jokes?

Can AI do something that’s
actually funny to people?

We had the initial stages of AI.

We were making stuff that was weird and we
thought it was funny because it was weird.

But again, that’s sort
of the confusing out

of left field stuff that
we never expected.

They want to make fully proper structured
jokes that delight and surprise people.

And the way they do that is to
take jokes from actual comedians.

I think Sarah Silverman was
one of the leaders of this lawsuit

saying, okay, you’re taking
my jokes, you’re feeding into AI.

It’s kind of removing and
swapping out elements,

but it’s really just telling
the exact same joke.

But now we’re in a situation where she’s
not getting any money from this company.

She’s not getting anything
to sustain her career.

And if they actually are
successful, her career ends

because why would I listen to Sarah Silverman
do like a one hour special once a year

when I can go to this AI
channel that does Sarah

Silverman jokes 24 hours
a day, every day, all day,

until I get bored of it and then
don’t want to hear about it anymore.

My full expectation as there will be
more lawsuits going forward on all sides.

So we have the artist suing
the Colorado government

to try to get copyright so that
he can make money off his image.

The image that was
fundamentally stolen from

other artists who are
not getting paid copyright.

So I think if he gets his copyright

and then these artists can
prove that it took elements

from their artwork, they
would be suing him next.

We have this company who’s
trying to sue for the ability

to not have to have any regard
for copyright suing the government

saying we need this to train
our AI to stay competitive,

to stay, you know, to keep in an
advantageous positioning in the industry.

They’re going to be stealing from artists
and writers and musicians and other things.

And then if they’re
successful, those artists’ writers

and other things are
going to sue them for

taking their stuff
without paying copyright.

They’re never going to
get that exemption, though.

And then we have this
guy trying to get copyright

and getting refused because,
well, you contributed to it, yes,

but also the person
you worked with, the AI,

also contributed as much
as you did, if not more,

and you’re not paying them,
therefore, you can’t get copyright.

The AI cannot be given
copyright on a fundamental

grounds that they
do not own anything.

And that’s actually an interesting problem
is that if AI doesn’t own anything itself,

it’s going to be very hard
for AI to claim copyright.

It’s going to be companies on their behalf

and then they’re going
to immediately go to that

company and go like,
where did this come from?

How did this generate this information?

Can you trace it back to its source?

What was the source?
Have you paid that guy?

And that’s actually what it comes down
to, is they just don’t want to pay anybody.

The Hollywood strikes, I
did a whole episode on that.

And it’s because they had
some insane things in there.

What they wanted to do, one of the stories
was they wanted to take this script.

And it was this woman’s
essentially life story.

They said, we’re going to pay you
like a million dollars for this script.

But in the contract, it says,
we can feed your script into AI

and then from that, we’ll
be able to develop movies

and series based off what
the AI spits out afterwards.

And you’re not going to get any of that.

And she’s like, well, why
would I take a million dollars

when they’re going to try
to make 20, 30, 40 million

dollars per episode,
let’s say, of this TV show

that extrapolates from my information,
my life, and my script and my writing.

Like, it doesn’t make sense
to give that up to you anymore.

And there you can see sort of
the fundamental failure in Hollywood.

What’s going to happen is
you’re going to have people

who write, and they’re not
going to bring it to Hollywood

because like if I bring it to Hollywood,
I’m selling my soul, I’m giving it away.

They give me what is
a lot of money initially.

But a million dollars now
is only worth so much.

Like when I was a kid, a million
dollars, you could live forever.

Now a million dollars, you could
live for a long time if you’re a frugal.

But if we’re being really
honest, a million dollars

isn’t going to sustain
you until your old age.

I mean, it depends when you
start if you give me a million dollars.

Now, I probably could live the rest of
my life on it, but you’re a young writer.

You’re 20 years old, you’ve
written this amazing script.

They offer you a million dollars,
but then they’re going to put

you out of business right
after that because anything

you write is actually already
been written by the AI.

Now, of course, I have a certain
amount of faith in humans’ creativity.

That’s the whole point of this.

I think humans could come up
with a new and different story.

But then after you get
burned to that first time,

would you take it back
to Hollywood for them to

give you, let’s say, a
second million dollars

that then they would then
generate a billion dollars

worth of content out
of that you get nothing.

You don’t get a part of that.

If they were offering a
percentage, I think it might

be more amenable, because
then at least I get paid.

So if I could write
something really, really good

and they put it in an eye
and they make a billion dollars

and I still get 10 million
dollars, 15, 20 million dollars,

maybe a hundred million dollars,
I would be a more okay with that.

But it’s because these
companies want all the money

and not to pay the people
who actually do the work.

So what they’re trying
to do is scam people now

into like create work,
give us full copyright

forever in perpetuity,
you don’t get anything.

And then we don’t need
to hire writers anymore

because we have
everything in our little system.

And that again is when these TV shows,

these movies, they get
so boring and repetitive,

’cause this is the exact
same thing I’ve seen before.

They also had four actors.

If you’re a background
actor, you had to sign a waiver

that they could own
your face in perpetuity.

And my example was I am
a very, very young Brad Pitt.

I’m 17 years old and I’m
trying to get into movies.

I want to be an actor.

I’m trying to get my first shots.

And then I am in a crowd seen in a movie.

And then in a different
company, I become popular.

And then I become, you
know, 30, 40 year old Brad Pitt

and I’m making 20 million
dollars in movie easy.

Well, this other company still
owns my face from when I was 17.

So they slap that face onto another actor
and make an action movie with my name.

It might not even have my name
on it, but it has my face on it.

Now they’re making movies with
my face and I don’t get a piece of that.

I don’t get any say over that.

They start doing horrible things.

This is where deep fakes and revenge
porn and all these other things come in.

Because now maybe there’s a
porn company that’s associated with

that other company that I was
a background actor in the crowd.

And they’re now making porn with
my face in it from when I was 17.

And, okay, maybe I find that immoral.

Maybe I don’t, but then if I
don’t, I should still get paid.

Like I should get a piece of
that money and they won’t

give it to me ’cause they
own my face in perpetuity.

So you can see that
would be a huge block point

for any sort of negotiation going
forward because you don’t want a company

to own anything of
yours in perpetuity forever

and they can do whatever they want
with it and you never get a piece of it.

The final part of this is terrifying
because it’s AI in warfare,

which is another sort of total left,
like we’ve just taken a huge left term

for what I was talking about before but
it was AI and it’s in the news recently.

60 countries have ratified this idea

and it’s re-aim and it’s basically how AI
will be used in warfare because in Ukraine

they’re using a lot of
drones and some of them are

autonomous and they’re
worried about terminator.

Like we’re gonna make drones that go around

and just do strikes on
any living thing in the area.

It doesn’t have any morals,
it doesn’t make any decisions.

It just sees something in this area.

I’m gonna kill that thing.

Or they tell the thing, we
don’t want you to kill that child.

And then the AI goes, nah, but I
kind of wanna, and then it does.

One of the first experiments
I read about never saw

it actually happen was,
luckily it was never physical.

It was only within a computer
model but they had an AI drone

and they basically
were like, well, how do

we get the AI to
understand what its goal is?

And so they’re like, well, we’ll give it
points for destroying enemy targets.

And then the AI’s like,
well, I get enemy targets.

Well, I wanna get as many
enemy targets as I can

’cause I wanna get as many points as I can
because that’s what you programmed into me.

Then they’re like, well,
don’t hit this target.

Hit this target.

He’s like, but if I hit both
targets, I get more points, right?

And that’s what I wanna do.

And they’re like, well, no, no, but this
one is not the target we want you to hit.

So then the AI shut off communications.

And then it was free to do what it
want because it wasn’t getting told

that it’s not allowed
to hit things anymore.

And again, this was all
within a computer simulation

but the very first thing the
AI did is when people were

saying don’t do that, don’t
ignore your initial programming.

The AI was like, now, I’ll
figure out a way around it

so I can then continue
with my initial programming.

Which is very 2001 space odyssey
where the computer had its mission

which was superior to the
mission of the men on board

and that’s how you
got the guy locked out in

space and the robot
wouldn’t let him back in.

If you haven’t seen that movie
and don’t what I’m talking about,

it’s a pacing has changed a
lot since that movie came out

but conceptually, it’s
a very, very interesting

problem because the
robot AI in the spaceship

has its own set of criteria
and things that are important.

It’s own priorities that don’t necessarily
include the humans on board the ship.

So we have this 60 countries
ratifying this agreement

and they’re saying like, we
don’t wanna put AI into things,

we don’t want AI making arbitrary decisions,
we need people, we need oversight,

all this kind of stuff that would make again,
trying to keep the reins on a conflict.

And then you have China and China
has said, we are not going to ratify this,

we’re not gonna join in on this agreement
which immediately takes the whole thing

and shoves it out the window
because if you have one country

who’s like, we are refusing
to follow the rules of war,

well then you actually
end up in a situation

where no one should be
following the rules of war

’cause it’s the only way
to actually get things done.

If we’re gonna end up in a conflict

and you’re gonna cheat,
then I kinda have to cheat.

These are some of the interesting
questions that the AI is presenting us

because you end up with,
again, on the very small scale,

you have a guy who made
art with AI and he’s saying

like, I’m losing money
because I can’t copyright this.

I can’t copyright this
because AI contributed

to it and the AI stole
it from other people.

You have company saying, we
should be able to ignore copyright

because if we have to follow
copyright, then we’re stuck

in this situation where we
can’t get enough information.

We can’t get enough information to
use because we don’t have enough money

to pay everyone we steal from and
then you have the companies going,

we wanna buy your face, we wanna buy
your content and then never pay you again,

but we get to keep all that stuff
and generate more and more content

where we make money
off it, no one else does.

So there’s that sort of greed
where I get all the money

from my company and no
one else gets to share in it.

I get all the control and the power,
which extends to this country level

where it’s like we wanna make sure
that war doesn’t become this terminator

to kind of dystopic future and
then there’s a couple of countries

that’s like, no man, we’re kind of
on board with the dystopic future.

If we think we can win and
that’s clearly the fault of humanity

and you can see this is, again,
where I’m talking about morality.

The AI itself has no morality in this.

It is not good or bad, it is
the people and the countries

that are using it that make
these moral and immoral decisions

that lead us to where we’re
going to be in the future,

which very much looks like
it’s going to be a dystopia.

(upbeat music)

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