The Internet has been telling me,
men think about the Roman Empire a lot.
I didn’t until the Internet started
telling me that people did, and I wondered
why I didn’t. I realized
I am more interested
in Genghis Khan, because
he is the con of my heart.
Then I started
thinking about other
things I don’t think
about, and it got confusing.
Once when I was in
university, I went to a
judo training camp.
These aren’t competitions,
but the coaches there
might be the coaches who
decide if you are worth their
time, so people fight hard.
The last match of the day, my opponent
decided he was going to make a move and
did a double ankle grab
and flip me backwards.
I took a hard fall and
hit the back of my head
against the mats. Hard.
I don’t know if I blacked
out, but I woke up confused
and with a very wiped memory.
This was like cartoon stuff, except
it was real, and therefore very scary.
There are scenes in movies
where people wake up in the
confusion of battle. This
was that, except everyone
was wearing white.
I was wearing white.
Somehow from this singular
piece of information I was able
to gauge my safety,
we were all dressed the
same, so we were all
probably in the same group.
I got up and wandered
around the edge of the mat.
A few people came up
and checked if I was okay,
I just waved them off,
because I didn’t know who
these people were. I was
terrified and didn’t trust anyone.
The workshop was finished, and I didn’t
know what stuff was mine, so I wandered
around some more, got
water, loitered there until
there was only one
bag left. I grabbed it and
looked for a wallet.
Somehow I knew my own face,
but not my name. I recognized
my ID, and I read my own name.
I had one piece of
information. Progress.
I changed and still
avoided speaking to anyone
and wandered up
to the parking lot.
There were a few cars left. I
had keys my bag and looked for
a matching symbol. The only
Volkswagen there was mine.
I got in the car
and just sat there,
finally able to
breathe for a minute.
I felt a bit safer now, because
maybe I was sort of in control
of my environment. I
sat there in memory,
started to come back,
with no semblance of order,
random things that I
knew to be true, but did
not have any context
for. It was confusing,
so I started to drive.
Anyone with even a passing
sense of medicine knows
that every decision I am
making is the wrong one. Head injury,
not telling anyone, not seeking assistance,
driving while in a
mental fog. These are bad
ideas, but the thing
is, I didn’t know anyone,
and everything was scary, so I
did what I thought I needed to do.
My body, luckily,
naturally turned
me in the right direction to go
back to the city where I lived.
By the time I got
back into town,
I was back to normal,
I think. That is to say,
I could remember stuff
and people and things.
I take a certain pride in
the fact that I did not panic.
I may not have made
the best decisions,
but I handled myself.
Many years later, I told
someone about this as
amnesia and television came up,
and I could tell people
what it was really like.
I had it for about 20
minutes, but it felt like days.
After this above story
was recounted, very
possibly with some
flourishes, a coworker asked,
“Is there anything you still don’t
remember?” I wouldn’t know, I said.
That is an interesting concept.
You wouldn’t know what bits
are missing because you wouldn’t
know they were missing.
Like my third birthday.
I don’t remember
my third birthday,
and I don’t know if
that’s because it was
uneventful, or because it
got knocked out of my head
in a training session
that I paid for.
Evolution has assured us there
are many things we don’t think
about, like you can’t
see your nose, or that the
color purple doesn’t
exist. If you close one eye,
you can see your
nose. If you change eyes,
you can see your nose.
If you close both eyes,
you can’t see your nose,
and if you open both your
eyes, you can’t see
your nose. It’s still there.
Your brain just doesn’t
need it in the way all
the time, so it just
sort of erases it.
Your brain just makes the
decision to delete your nose all
the time, and we don’t
think about it at all.
The color purple isn’t
really the color purple.
It’s more the absence
of green, which we cannot
comprehend, so our brains create purple as
a filler so we can just go about our day.
Scientifically, purple
is not a color because
there is no beam of pure
light that looks purple.
There is no wavelength
that corresponds to purple.
We see purple because
the human eye can’t tell
what’s really going
on. Therefore, it is not
considered a real color,
sort of the same way that
royalty doesn’t exist. We
just accept that it does.
So it’s there, which makes it interesting
that purple is associated with royalty.
How do you become royal?
You claim a bunch of land and get
people to back you up
with swords, and then you
have some God-given right
to all the swans or some shit.
Owning all the swans is
what really gives it away.
That part is clearly made up.
So we evolved not to see
our nose and to make up
purple in so many other things. Evolution
is a complicated process, like Pokémon.
A variety of factors determines
if a Pokémon will level up.
The Pokémon’s level,
when friendship is high,
at certain locations or
regions, while holding an item.
Some unique conditions
may impact a Pokémon,
like Pancham evolves
into Pangoro, starting at
level 32, if there is a dark
type Pokémon in the party.
Inge involves into
Malamar, starting at
level 30, when leveled
up, while the game system
is held upside down
and feedback evolves into
Miletik, when leveled
up with its beauty
condition at 170 or above.
I have not encountered
any of these conditions,
so I assume this has
stalled my evolution. If
we are in a simulation,
as someone suggests.
One way to tell is if the
system is held upside
down, and your friend gains
immunity to psychic attacks.
Well, there’s your confirmation.
All of this so far is
impacted mostly by gravity.
As we are on a
planet, gravity is with
us all the time. So much
so that our evolution
into what we are is
more of an influence than
having 999 Game of
Google coins in your bag,
and a golden go.
Yeah, I know. It’s big.
Golden go, give a Google
big. The big bang happened.
Surprisingly, the beginning
of the big bang would
have been small. The rapid
expansion was the big part.
I am suspicious of the
bang bit, to be honest.
Sound, vacuums, and
all. It’s hard to hear
anything over a vacuum,
so maybe there wasn’t
any sound, and then
the big bang, and then an
actual bang, a little bit
after. This created all
the building blocks of
the universe as we know it.
Hydrogen and epoxy.
The problem was stuff was
everywhere, so to make
things stick to other things,
which is what the epoxy is for.
But it can’t stick to anything
if there is nothing to stick to.
The irony of being a sticky
substance with nothing
to stick to at the
beginning of the universe.
Attraction became
the fifth element.
The movie of the same name
from 1997, which was two hours
and six minutes long, much
longer than the moment
the big bang happened,
but shorter than the
entirety of the universe
existing, would have
you believe that the
fifth element is love,
but they are being dramatic
for the sake of the story.
The preceding file
elements would be earth,
wind, fire, and funky
beads. Every function
of your body is subtly
regulated by gravity.
So much so, you don’t even
realize you are a machine
that depends on it.
Probably your pesky brain
making decisions for you
again without your consent.
If you truly broke
the bonds of gravity,
the universe would do
what it does to everything,
make you into a sphere.
It would take time,
but the universe has
so much time, it doesn’t
even worry about it. The
universe never rushes.
It slowly pulls and
molds you, softening your
insides so you can be
gently pulled in all directions
at the same time.
The height of universal
evolution is Kirby.
Kirby, for all his cuteness
and ability to suck, was
not really a character design.
What you see in a
Kirby game is the place
holder 4, probably some
Mario rip off or something.
After working with the
pink blob, they decided
not to change anything
and just use Kirby as
is. The universe accepted
and approved of this,
because it wants you to
see what you could become.
If only you would forget
all about that being
bound to a planet nonsense.
None effects of long-term
residents in space are decreased
bone density, muscle atrophy.
The universe is softening you up,
so it can slowly mold you into a ball.
That, or it is waiting
until you become the
perfect stake, modeled
and soft. You are just a
sliver of wagyu to the
universe, where you could be.
It is impossible to know the
ways of the universe at this stage.
We do not have the technology or ability
to find out if our ultimate destiny is
to be Kirby, or wagyu
humanity. Perhaps to the
universe, they are the same
thing. I guess we will know
when the furthest flung
stars are finally observed
to just be barbecues warming
up and waiting for our time.
This is why barbecues are so universally
appealing to us. It is part of the core
atoms that make up the
universe as we speed away
from the big bang, so
shall we return to the
singular fire as the most
expensive cut of meat,
blobs of fat dripping
into create more planets,
but who shall consume
us. When Azathoth wakes,
the universe will end
because the universe is a
creation within the
dreams of Azathoth.
Thus, when the awakening
occurs, there will be no more
dream for us to exist
in. Azathoth is said to not
understand its own dream,
which isn’t that unusual.
I once had a dream where
death was standing at
the end of my bed
holding a bowl of ice cream.
Death, the very classic version of death
and a hooded cloak was scaled in hands,
was holding a bowl
of vanilla ice cream.
Upon my realization within
the dream that death was in my
room holding a bowl of
ice cream, I became very
aware that there was a task
that needed to be completed.
Death communicated to
me, death communicated
to me, but I can’t remember
if there were words,
or just a feeling sent
into the deepest part of
my soul, that if the ice cream were to
touch the floor, everyone I know would die.
Death then started to curl the
gnarled knuckles and twists so
that the bowl was
rotating ever so slowly, but
would eventually
succumb to gravity and fall
from the bowl to inevitably
hit the floor, causing
the ruination of
everyone I had ever known.
Talk about pressure. I
had a large, flat piece
of wood that I used
to put paper on to draw,
and I would draw on
the wood. I pulled this
large, awkward thing from
the corner and tempted
to position it, where the ice
cream was destined to fall.
It was while doing
this that my father
entered the room and
asked me what I was doing.
Apparently, I gave a
fairly incoherent answer,
as I was in a bit of
a panic attempting to
save the world and did
not have time for the
nonsense of explaining
the situation of someone
who would not
understand, but know this.
I was working in his
interest. As a thought,
just had to be kept asleep
by drummers keeping a
peaceful beat, giving me that
over death ice cream any day.
Even men in my childlike nightmare
as gravity played its part, gravity, a
function I did not
understand scientifically,
was so naturally a part
of my psyche, it was
elemental in the dream.
Otherwise, the ice cream
would just have floated
away, along with the
specter of death, along with
me. I mean that seems kind of fun.
So many other aspects of our life are
governed by gravity in ways we are not aware,
sleeping with a blanket,
the security that it offers.
The comfort that
comes from the fact that
the blanket is being pulled towards the
earth via gravity, and therefore has weight.
Some people even buy heavier
blankets to increase this effect.
Basically, they are
blankets that are more
receptive to gravity,
and bring us more comfort
and security as a result.
Pooping and its various
functions are all encouraged
centered around gravity.
In space, poop particles
are a real problem,
with real astronauts
making real complaints
and justifications that
the poop invading the
mission is not theirs.
Astronauts, despite being
elevated from earth
and freed from gravity,
are still people. They would blame it
on the dog if there was one in space.
The following is an actual
transcript from Apollo 10.
Oh, who did it? Tom
Stafford asked at one point.
Confused, young
and certain in replied.
Who did what? Sernan.
Where did that come from?
Stafford. Get me
a napkin. Quick.
There’s a turd floating
through the air. Young.
I didn’t do it. It ain’t one
of mine. Sernan. I don’t think
it’s one of mine. Stafford.
Mine was a little more
sticky than that. Throw it
away. Young. God Almighty.
I do like that the
astronauts had to give
each other instructions
to throw away the poop
as opposed to let’s
keep it in study it.
Most of your bodily functions
function as a result of
being developed with the constant
force of gravity behind them.
Our science fiction dreams have us walking
on spaceships with artificial gravity.
But the real and foe do not
provide the same comfort.
It’s as if our bodies
know the constant
of gravity is real. Six
months in microgravity
created on the ISS
showed a significant decline
in cognitive functions.
This is obviously
as of the author work.
Confusing our minds the
way their mind is confused
by the entirety of the
universe contained
within their dream.
Manual dexterity is decreased.
Motion perception and decreased
ability to operate vehicles when
compared to ground-based controls.
Essentially, the longer someone is in
space, the worse they get at video games.
Simulated gravity has also
demonstrated a decrease in positive
emotions, abnormal
mood swings of fear and
anxiety, and short-term
memory was impaired.
So when the astronaut
loses the game they are
playing, they will react
negatively. This is one of
the primary drivers for me
not having any astronaut friends.
The ultimate loss
of gravity would
mean that we, as stated
before, would become spheres.
We would float out into
the vastness of space,
but then become attracted to each other
again, spinning and bumping into each other,
sticking to each other
because someone broke
the bounds of Earth with
some epoxy in their pocket.
Our Kirby-like
bodies would stick
together, become more
dense, and then collapse to a
point where we initiate
another big bang all over again.
Then someone would say,
“Look at all the hydrogen.
“
Makes me realize that
Seth Meyers was really
good at his job. And
feedback evolves into Militech.
And feedback evolves into
Militech. Militech? Milotech?
And feedback evolves
into Militech. Milotech?
I think the fuck you
that is not a hard word.
And feedback evolves into
Militech when leveled up.
And feedback evolves into Militech.
Fuck you.
Should I try to memorize these and
then read it? I bet that would work better.
It’s because I’m not doing a practice run.