The Holy prepuce

Cut the music in.

That’s done.

You came into the podcast later.

Did you listen to Velocity Podcast?

Did you listen to many episodes?

I didn’t go back.

This is when we started being friends from that.

This is essentially a remake of the original first episode.

Oh gee.

Conceptually I had a really good idea.

This is one of the problems.

I was going to take a story from history

that had some sort of almost like fictional elements.

Take it, talk about the story as if it was 100% factually accurate

and then talk about it as if it was 100% like was skepticism.

So I’m going to walk you through the story of the holy pre-puse

and then we have to talk about it like it’s real.

and then like it’s not real.

Just see where we end up.

So do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

I’m going to talk about it as if it was a 100% like

so do you know what the holy pre-puse is?

Yeah, it’s Jesus’s full scheme, yo.

Why do you know that? That’s gross.

I do. I write a random shit too.

I didn’t know about it until I started looking up.

I actually think I just saw about three of them as well.

Oh, there’s more than that.

Okay, I knew that was more than one.

In the Middle Ages,

the holy pre-puse went on tour

and they claimed to that if the holy

pre-puse of Jesus’s foreskin was in the area,

you’d have better crops.

And then the church started getting kind of little twitchy.

because they had about seven or eight different

holy pre-pie on tour at the same time.

Is that the correct pluralization?

No. Okay.

I guess it would be pre-puse says.

But I enjoy… So do they say like octopus is an octopi.

It’s an octopuses.

And I was like, “But octopi is so much for more fun.”

So I pluralize ambience as ambuli.

Stewardess is stewardi.

What about suitcases?

Suit, suit, suit, suit, tie.

No, suit, tie.

The plural, the eye plurals way more fun than… Not.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous.

So the holy pre-pie… I actually think

you sound fancier because it’s Latin.

So like I hear it.

So like I hear it.

I took three octopi out of my two suit, tie.

And the three stewardi came and helped me.

And then we found seven ambuli.

And then we put them in the ambuli where we found several pupae.

It’s just a fancy way to talk.

That’s all. Latin is just fancier.

So they actually started getting…

They sort of disquelched it because they

had two… What made me… The holy pre-pie.

They had so many holy pre-pie out in the world on tour.

It’s going to get suspicious.

Because if you’re in one town and you’re like holy…

I just came from this town. I saw the holy pre-puse.

And then you go another town and you’re like, “Well no.”

I just saw the holy pre-puse in this other town and it just came from.

So the church actually started putting like a little kibosh on it.

So they wouldn’t have too many pre-pie.

Isn’t that like a little hat?

What? The kibosh?

Is it? I don’t know. I’ve only ever learned that turn

as to like squash something down to stop it.

I’m really afraid of seeing some of the races

because I have no idea what I’m talking about.

That’s the problem.

That’s important.

And it’s intent in the hot pizza.

Oh good.

So the important part is never an otherwise.

Well I am just ignorant.

Let’s just be honest. I am ignorant with so many things.

So Jesus being a young Jewish lad and a good boy…

He was circumcised.

And so any piece of Jesus is therefore… Holy…

A holy ant.

Yeah, it’s a holy relic.

So that actually is my first question because I don’t know this.

I don’t know the answer.

So you might know the answer.

Do families that circumcise their children keep the foreskin?

I also don’t know the answer.

Yeah. So I don’t know.

I would just assume not because I think that’s weird.


That is my thought.

Is this not the kind of thing you keep.

And then we didn’t know Jesus was Jesus until he was like in his 30s.

So they didn’t keep it just in case.

Or did they know that Jesus was holy?

That’s a whole other set of issues that I really don’t want to get into.

Like it is.

Like some parents keep the umbilical cord that falls off babies, right?

You know when you snip it and then they have it attached to them for them.

It falls off eventually.

Did I tell you about the woman I lived with in university?

I think you did.

Yeah. So she kept her umbilical, her placenta.

And she kept it in the freezer.

And I said, and I said, why, why, what is that first of all?

Because it was, it was a big jar with

liquid that was frozen and like an ice ball.

Because that’s how long it’d been there.

But what is that? She goes, that’s my placenta.

Already like a sentence you don’t want to hear.

And then, and then I go, I go, okay um why is it in the freezer?

And she goes like I was going to um put it in, um planted under a tree.

And then under the tree it’ll help nourish the tree and grow it up.

I’m like your kid’s four.

Yeah, why haven’t you done it yet?

So I don’t think she ever did it or maybe she would have had to move out.

She was a weird chick.

Well anyways, so Jesus is for skin.

Any bit of Jesus is a holy relic. We know that.

But the question I had is that if we didn’t know he was really Jesus, Jesus.

until he’s in his thirties.

How did they know to keep it?

So that was my first sort of question Mark.

But we’re going to skip 800 years into the future.

Yeah, we’re going to do some time traveling.


So this is the actual story.

Charlemagne is going to become emperor.

And he’s in church praying.

And then an angel comes to him while he’s praying.

And stops in front of him and says, I have something for you.

And she gives Charlemagne the holy pre-puse.

So what do you think about that?

So this is my premise is okay, if we take

this as factual, this actually happened.

Yeah, going through the steps like kind of like what would happen.

What do you think Charlemagne was praying for in that an angel came and gave

him a foreskin?

I mean, I don’t think he was praying for a full skin.

That was my first thought too.

I don’t think anyone would deter to be

like, you know what I really want today.

And my emperse to be successful, a full skin will do it.

Yeah, like, so the biblical description of an angel is also terrifying.

Yeah, that was my other thought.

And I’m like, what kind of fucking angel came?

Because they are like like many eyed,

multi-headed, disgusting, sounding beasts.

Yeah, so the description in the Bible that I’ve taken is that every time

someone sees an angel, they’re absolutely terrified.

And so my first thought was it’s a blood-borne boss.

It’s just sort of like a… I have something for you.

Yeah, but it’d be like, well, it’s…

In your praying, okay, let’s just say

you’re praying for whatever you pray for.

So you’re praying for more tattoos or something like that, you know?

Yeah, that’s… yeah.

An angel comes to you.

This terrifying vision, multi-winged, glowing, many eyed, probably multiple

faces, thing.

Yeah, limbs coming out of the floor.

Comes to you.

Okay, so this is actually a very big question for me.

Does the angel just have it in its hand or does it have it in like a small

decorative box?

So if it’s like that kind of like biblical angel, it’s in its hand.

And in my head, it’s also bloody and fresh.

Okay, like they’ve traveled through time.

They’ve just got it.

Minutes ago.

Yeah, time has been meaning to an angel.

Okay, no, that works for me.

So, so, so, and then so you’re in church and then this angel comes down and

it goes, Mr. Warm Hands.

But I’m, I assume again, like booming trumpet voice.

I can’t do it.

It’d be like, “Bah!”

So like it would have sonorous, like just… It would fill up the room.

And this is an empty church.

Here’s a human foreskin.

What do you, like, what do you do now?

Well, because it’s, so you, how would you take it?

You take it out of the palm of the hand of the angel or would you just like

hold out your hand

and then it would just turn its hand over

like it’s dropping some M&M’s in your hand.

Yeah, I don’t know. Like I first thought you could…


Yeah, so this was, this was, this was one of the points I thought I had was

because it’s an angel.

You can’t question it.

Right? Like I can, I think they have some, they see something that’s going

to happen when you take this.

Yeah, like instinctually you can’t question an angel or God, I think.

Yeah, I guess I, that would ring true if I was religious, I guess.

Okay, so you work some mysterious ways, right?

Yeah, so you’re praying, and then I

also, I actually had another separate idea,

like did it come from behind or like different…

So you’re praying, I assume, to the altar of the church.

Yeah, did it come down in front of

your, or behind, just sneak up behind you.

Either way is kind of freaky.

Land on your shoulder.

And crush you.

Okay, so then it gives you the…

Previous, I gotta make sure my notes, I get everything in order.

Yeah, also, does it just appear, or

does it like open like a hole and like…

A portal through?

Yeah, I honestly, so my vision, my, my version of this is

you’re praying to the altar and there’s a stained glass window and it comes

through the stained glass window.

It’s like a light and in a stained glass all lights up and then it just

comes out of the window and comes down

and just sort of manifests itself in front of you.

It was my, my mental version of what happened.

But, Charlotte me, pissing himself in that moment.

Like, unless he’s so confident, I guess if you’re

gonna become emitter, you’re pretty confident, dude.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, Angel, this is just a Monday.

Yeah, it’s a Monday and I’ve now got an extra force kit.

Sweet, I think it’s gonna be a good week.

I once told this story to a guy who was religious and it was interesting

because it’s a holy relic, but like Christians and Catholics and stuff.

They get very cagey talking about it.

Yeah, because this is all this like really mythological like bonkers shit.

Yeah, and then they’re trying to make that everything around that work in

their modern everyday life.


When there’s all this like basically fantasy shit happening.

Yeah, I just think it’s because it’s connected to a penis.

They can’t talk about it.

They’re so sort of repressed.

They can’t talk about it because it has to do with penises.

That I found that always quite funny is that like they’re sitting there.

going like, oh you know, it’s a holy relic.

You should be very comfortable talking about a holy relic.

It’s a very important thing to you in your religion and

they’re like, I don’t wanna talk about it because it’s a dick.

All right, so we read the angel. The angel

gives you something. I think you take it.

No question.

You take it, yeah, because you don’t even understand what it’s saying.


You’re just like, no, overwell.

And then this hand comes out and goes, maybe it pulls your hand out for you.

Like you have no control.

Oh no, okay.

So now you’ve said that.

I think it like it reaches out with one hand and then takes your hand

because you’re still in the praying position.

Takes one of your hands and pulls it towards it really slowly and then just

puts a tiny, tiny piece of skin in it and then let’s go.


And then the PPS fuck.

Like it’s a tiny piece of skin.

Like, and then I assume you don’t know what it is.

If you put a tiny piece of human for a skin

in my hand, I wouldn’t know what that was.


I would be like, what is the…

You’re just a student.

You’re like, it’s skin and that’s enough.


Just the fact that it’s a piece of skin.

It’s a piece of skin and you don’t know what it is.

Without telling you what happens next in the story, what do you do with the

tiny human for a skin in your hand?

Alright, so I’m assuming… Like, I don’t know why I’ve got it.


It just got put into my hand.

You were just now praying probably for the greatest empire in human history.

Let’s say… Yeah, something like that.

So if I’m in that place doing that anyway, I clearly believe something.


So I’m going to take it that this is a gift from God.



I am incapable of understanding what it means or how it will help me, but I

must Cherish it.

So you don’t eat it?



I… My weirdest knowledge inside me to eat human flesh.

No, me too.

But an angel just gave me this thing.

I’m in church.

My first thought is, am I supposed to eat this?

Because maybe it gives me a superpower.

Maybe I get an expanded view of the universe.

I get a connection to Jesus that I never had before.

My honestly, if you gave me a tiny piece of meat from an angel, I’d be like,

I suppose I eat this now.

And then the apple is the eat the apple when you gain the knowledge that was

the bad thing.

But I was like, oh, I think I’m supposed to eat this tiny piece of meat.

And then I assume that’s wrong.


I think that’s wrong.

I’ve now just messed that up.



You’re now dead.

So Pope Leo then says to…

Charlemagne setting up his coronation and he has Pope Leo come.

This is to, you know, mesh the church in the state.

He says, “Yu’lio is the name of a Pokemon.”

Is it really?

Well, I think it’s more like Pope Leo, but I’m pretty sure.

I’m not now like… That’s crazy.

A little seal.

He’s setting up.


I didn’t know that.

So Pope Leo is supposed to put the crown on Charlemagne’s head.

As a thank you gift, Charlemagne gives Pope Leo the Holy Previous.


So how do you feel about that?

I feel like if that was me, I wouldn’t have done that.

What would you mean?

It was given to me.


I would have crafted some special bag or something, kept it with me, wrapped

around my neck or something near my heart.

Yeah, okay.

I, for some reason kept thinking decorative

box, like a ring box and put it in that.

I imagine it is a little perfect ring, although I know it’s not the case.

But you could have made it kind of though.

Well, you could sit back.

I think I don’t know how they cut it off.

I do think they pull it and then just… Oh, did it snip it.


So then you could make a little ring finger ring out of it.


You make a little ring out of it or you could put it on a chain.

Maybe Charlemagne, like this is not me, I’m projecting onto him.

Maybe he thought it was a curse and he had to pass it on.


Because my first thought was, if an angel gives you something, you should

not regift it.

That was my first thought.

As soon as I heard Charlemagne gave it to someone else, I was like,

“You get something from an angel or God, shouldn’t you keep it?”

Isn’t that the whole point?

Unless the angel said to him, “Give

this to Pope Leo, do something with this.”.

But there was no indication that anything

was said is the issue that I have, I think.

Again, biblical angels, they’re basically demons.


So he could have been like… So he should give her to this.


So he’s cursing the church at that point and that’s interesting.


Maybe he thought I’m praying to God, but Satan answered.

Yeah, I guess if it’s got spider eyes and many faces and stuff,

it would be really hard for a human to tell the difference between an angel

and a demon.

As long as they were bright, you would think it was an angel.

Because then we’ve just been attuned to that.

Bright lights mean that it’s good.

Yeah, right.

Solid spotlight and you’re a good person.


So that’s all we have, because that’s all the information they’re giving.

So if we take this story as fact, an angel came and gave Charlemagne a tiny

human foreskin.

He didn’t eat it.

He passed it on and that was like a good idea.


What do you think the point was?

Well, I’ve been getting it.

Yeah, like because they don’t explain what any of this means.

So it’s all supposition.

What do you think this really happened?

An angel came and gave him the Holy Peapus and then he passed it on.

What do you think the point of that was?

It’s hard, right?

I do not see the point of any of them.

Like, yeah, because I didn’t.

Yeah, again, maybe like this is from Jesus, God’s Son and any part of Him

grants you God’s grace.

So get rid of that as quick as possible.



That’s what I’ll pass it on to a man of God who will ensure that he will.

through his preachings and sermons keep everybody in line under my rule.

And then expand the empire.


I’ve given this this Pope like God’s

grace, which is something that he wants.

more than anything.

And I assume probably not though.

Probably wants money and power because let’s be real.



He ended up emperor not by accident.

Let’s put it that way.

Well, no, the Pope, I mean, you know, the Pope again, the emperor and the

Pope to me is like the same deal.

Same thing.

They just got there a slightly different route.

Okay, so then we look at the story again. So again, this was kind of the

initial premise of what the podcast what I wanted to do is look at the same

story again, but it’s all skeptical.

So we don’t believe in angels anymore.


We don’t believe in holy relics.

So basically we start out the story with Charlemagne wakes up.

He’s got to hang over and he’s got a human foreskin again.


Well, because I don’t think I don’t think if you end up with a human

foreskin, I don’t think it’s ever really going to be the first time that’s.

happened to you.

I mean, it has to be logistically.

Yes and no, because it’s clearly living a lifestyle.

Where he was in a foreskin, but you definitely had a piece of someone.

Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

So you wake up in the morning, you got a piece of human flesh.

And so my thinking was he has to get rid of it.

So he’s got to like defer suspicion.

He has to transfer anything that like people would be like, what are you

doing with this human foreskin or human flesh?

It has to get it off himself to make it

seem like he’s not guilty of something.

Such a small insignificant piece of flesh, though, right?

It’s a very weird one.

I think it’s because it’s one of the only ones that gets cut off of you

while you’re sort of young and innocent, though.

So that might be the reason why it kind of became a focus back then,

whereas now because of morals have

changed, we’re all like weirded out by it.

He’s drunk.

He’s clearly had some kind of wild night.

Have you ever woken up with a piece of human flesh?

Just once.

No, never.

Is that would be a wild night?

I’ve woken up with injuries.

I didn’t remember which is what’s going to be a missing flesh.

Yeah, yeah.

So someone else maybe has it.

Or it’s just left somewhere on the ground.

Most likely on a road, like it just fell.

So my thought was he wakes up with a human foreskin, a very small one,

which actually again, is also makes it more suspicious.

And he’s like, I got to come up with a

story that no one’s going to question.

And so logically speaking, if I say an angel gave me this,

no one can turn on and go, really?

Because now you’re questioning God.

So I immediately felt like this was just a cover story.


And then if he gives it to Pope Leo and says, this is Jesus’ foreskin.

Pope Leo can’t turn on and go, no, it’s not.

Because he doesn’t know.

And also he’s now again, the logic is like you wouldn’t question an angel

when it gave you the foreskin.

Therefore, Pope Leo wouldn’t question that an angel gave it to you.

because that would just be the same as questioning the angel.


And I’m not just some regular like nobody, Joe nobody.


Like I’m, I’m Charlemagne.


So he’s going to offload it onto the Pope.

Was my feeling.

And then like once the Pope has it, then it kind of is a holy relic

and I’ve covered my ass.


Although I think Charlemagne’s an idiot.

Like if I woke up with that, I would literally just Chuck it.

In the completely, I’m not even worried about it.



So the fact that the story exists to me tells me that something happened.

So Charlemagne had something that he gave to Pope Leo at the coronation.

that Pope Leo then took as being a holy relic.

But that to me, if you want to be super skeptical, something did happen.

Otherwise, the story would not, because if he did, I think it’s the same.

If I’m the almost emperor, people aren’t asking questions anyway.

So if I’m like killing people and stuff,

they’re like, oh, wow, that’s what kings do.

So you just huck it in their version of the toilet.

It’s probably just out on the street at that point.

So you just huck it out on the street.

And that’s it.

There’s no like CSI coming to check shit out.



Oh, that’s what we should do.

We should make a middle ages CSI.

It would be so funny.

And then they’re walking around just like they look

in the room and go, well, I don’t see anything.

I guess we’re going.


There’s no one here.

He’s innocent.

And it’s just all criminals going, got away with it again.


So that does make me think though that there was a tiny human foreskin

somehow involved with Charlemagne during his coronation.

I don’t know.

So what do you think happened?

There’s the really the last piece of skepticism we can have is what do you

think actually have?

I think that there was a coronation we

know that Charlemagne gave Leo something.

We can maybe assume that that’s something looked like a foreskin.

What happened?

What happened?

I don’t think it was even a foreskin.

I bet somebody like got drunk and went, oh,

but I can pull all the skin off my finger.

Ah, and then stripped of their de-gloved of their finger.

Yeah, they weren’t even drinking.

They were on like bath salts, was it right?

They’re version of bath salts.


Yeah, they were basically on meth and not feeling anything.

I mean, I could see that.

Honestly, I could see that.

The holy pre-puse throughout history has

been stolen and recovered multiple times.

I don’t know if there’s an actual one, but

this is again, historically, I was thinking

this would either make a really good heist

movie or a really good video game where you

have to, but think about a video game.

It’s like an open world where you have to like retrieve holy relics.

Yeah, actually, we’re all weird ones.

Yeah, it gets ins and toenails.

Yeah, like you could get the weirdest ones and then it formulates into like

a big boss that you have to fight at the end.

You realize you have to have to fight your own God.

Oh, you’ve been putting it together.


And then you end up fighting the God

you’ve created would be really interesting.

No, it would be pretty interesting.

The thing I wrote down is the church was

concerned that maybe Jesus didn’t have 18

or so.

And so they were locked, they locked them away, but then apparently they’ve

been stolen multiple

times throughout history and then recovered.


How many there are?

Well, I maybe just wrote that down.

That number is a joke.

That’s a joke.

But yeah, I mean, I think any number bigger than one.

Any number more than one is a lot of the poor skins to be honest.

If you want to, if it is a holy relic, maybe it can replicate itself.

Like again, we have to ascribe supernatural abilities to this holy thing.

Maybe Jesus just had one of them really long foreskins and then they cut it

and then the witch that we didn’t get enough

and then they cut it again and they went

still not enough.

Oh, man.

Yeah, that’s actually possible.


Like if he hadn’t been circumcised, I bet

you could fit like a stack of pennies on his.


In prison.

I forget which prisons.

There was a story I was reading the other day.

In prisons, there are guys and they’re putting, because in Thailand, they

used to put beads.

or like small marbles that used to surgically

implant them into their penises to make them.

ribbed for her pleasure.

Apparently, there’s some prison where they’re doing that with like bits they

find which can’t be safe.

Bits they find.

Yeah, like they will look at like they want to make their stuff ribbed.

But I’m just, it’s a prison.

So you know the story that dudes ask, “Oh God, yeah, I guess so.”

And that might be the last sentence of this podcast.