Marvels Guardians of Galaxy game made me so angry I reviewed 6 Underground

(upbeat music)

All right, I’m about to shit on Guardians of the Galaxy,

via shitting on one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

This, all right, let’s start again.

So this is the closest I’ve come to writing a full script for a podcast in years.

When I first started making podcasts, I wrote a script

and I recorded it three times and edited those together.

It was shit.

And then I went to bullet points.

And bullet points seemed to work for me.

This is full sentences.

So I’m wondering if I’m going to sound more scripted.

But there are my ideas, there are my words.

Maybe I planned out jokes better, but then I never,

the jokes I make that I’ve planned out don’t land.

So today I wanna talk about Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

But I want to talk about it via the worst film I think that’s ever existed.

You might be like, oh no, what’s going on?

He didn’t like Guardians of the Galaxy, which is 100% correct.

But let’s take a look first at Metacritic score for Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

It has a Metascore of 80, generally favorable.

We all have the Metacritic thing where it’s like, 80 is not generally favorable.

That’s most people loved it.

The user score is 8.7.

I thought Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy was dismal.

And I hated every moment playing it.

And that’s unusual.

Mr. Warmhands sent me the game.

He said, you’re gonna love this.

You like story-based adventure action games, which is true.

This is a very heavily story-oriented action

adventure game, which is also true, I just fell apart.

And this takes us to Six Underground.

Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is the Six Underground of video games.

And Six Underground is the worst movie that has ever been made in the world.

First, I need to talk about a bad movie and a bad movie.

So there’s two kinds of bad movies.

I watch a lot of movies.

I watch probably a film every single day.

I have a one and a half hour train ride to work,

and then a one and a half hour train ride home from work.

I’m listening to podcasts, I’m watching TV, I’m watching movies.

That’s my media time now.

So I’ve watched hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of movies.

I love action movies.

I love funny movies.

I love goofy stuff.

I enjoy film.

Now, the first category of bad film is a film

where they didn’t have enough of something.

It’s not enough money.

It’s not enough talent.

It’s not enough time.

But there is sort of a heart there that makes you end

up going, it wasn’t a great film, but I enjoyed it.

There’s a kind of bad film that is still in the first category.

That is so bad that it sort of goes through the nature

and comes back up and is actually good again.

It’s still entertaining.

Because that’s all a movie or a video game really needs to be.

To be successful is entertaining.

It can be entertaining in the wrong way and still be successful.

I watch a lot of Steven Segal movies.

I hate him so much.

Oh, he’s the one who named Sean Nupi, said his name.

The curse has come back.

But my pleasure and enjoyment comes from

picking apart those films and how bad they are.

I would never recommend those films to another person.

I would never say watch them unless you had the same sort of mental state as me.

That’s also a very important part for criticizing media.

It’s understanding the way your brain is working

and the way other people’s brains are working.

There’s lots of stuff I would watch that I would not recommend other people watch.

There is the second kind of bad movie, which is bad bad.

So there’s bad, so bad it could be good.

There’s bad yet still entertaining.

There’s bad, but just bad.

And it comes from sort of two major issues that I’m gonna talk about.

But the primary thing is you have to have

all the things that those other movies lack.

You have to have the money, you have to have

the talent, and you have to have the time.

So you have to have all the things in place

to be successful and still find a way to fuck it up.

See, this is the problem without running a

script is I have to actually follow the script.

Let me introduce to you a film called “Six Underground.”

It is a Netflix movie.

Netflix has money up the wazoo.

This is a pre-pandemic.

Think it was toothed, anyways.

Maybe mid-2000 teens.

So they have enough money to make a good movie.

They have Ryan Reynolds as the lead.

He’s a very expensive actor and he’s actually quite good.

I like Ryan Reynolds.

He’s talented, he’s charming.

He’s made some good movies, made some bad

movies, but he has it in him to make a good film.

“Six Underground” is directed by Michael Bay.

Michael Bay has a very inconsistent career.

He’s made the rock, which was quite good.

He made bad boys, which is good.

He made painting games, which I actually thought was very good.

I’ve made Transformer movies.

Now, I believe that Transformer movies, I’m not the target demographic.

The most respect I had for Michael Bay is when he said,

“I make movies for 13-year-old boys,” which is a fair statement.

So he’s saying a lot of people complain and don’t like

my films because they’re not the actual target audience.

“Six Underground” in this case, there’s a couple of heads

explode and a lot of bodies get thrown around and stuff.

That means that I was the target demographic.

I had to be adults.

But it’s almost like his juvenile humor still

stayed and then his inconsistency in tone

is what infected the film, which made me so negative.

“Six Underground” had two writers that I remember.

And it’s two douchebags who should be ashamed of themselves because this movie–

I don’t know where it went wrong.

Because it might have been written really well.

And then Michael Bay changed it.

It might be Michael Bay took the material and actually elevated it.

I actually don’t know because I’m not part of the process.

I don’t think it was Ryan Reynolds.

I think Ryan Reynolds was doing all the things he was told to do.

He was being very Ryan Reynolds Z in this film.

You don’t even have to watch the whole film.

The opening is a car chase escape scene and it by itself will illustrate to you

all the problems in the film in the first 10, 15 minutes.

And I was thinking to myself, if I ever ran a film class,

if I ever got any sort of respect, and people were like,

Peter, teach us about all the films you’ve absorbed,

and you’ve taken, you’ve analyzed, and you

thought about, put that back out in the world.

Teach these young and up-and-coming people who want to make movies.

What is the right and wrong thing to do?

I think I could do that.

I think I could help some people make better films.

So this is for young and up-coming people who want to,

oh my god, I got a mosquito bite on my bicep, and it is massive.

Like I said, at the beginning, as soon as I got

into a flow, something would go horribly wrong,

and the horribly wrong part was, I looked at my own body.

All right, we can dispense with this stupid joke thing.

I’m not gonna ever teach a film class.

That’s fine.

So we have the opening car chase,

and it’s demonstrative of where the movie went wrong on every aspect.

The primary issues for me are inconsistent tone and too much noise.

And this is visual, it’s action oriented.

The opening of your film is teaching the audience

what they’re supposed to feel and think throughout the rest of the film.

The opening of the film, I would say,

is probably more important than the actual climax of the film,

because it tells me what I’m supposed to know,

and what I need to know about the world we’re inhabiting for the rest of the movie.

It sets up the film.

First, there is all the visual noise.

Then Michael Bay is famous for incredibly fast cuts.

He was a music video director before he became a movie

director, and that clearly has infected his style.

There are rarely moments where you actually get

to look at anything for more than a few seconds.

But the problem with constant quick cuts and penning cameras all the time,

it means no single image will have any real sort of impact.

Your brain, it’s your subconscious is taking things in,

and I actually think that makes it worse in this

case, because my subconscious brain is going,

oh, I don’t like that, I don’t like that, what’s that?

What’s that? I don’t like that.

And so I don’t have a comprehensive feeling for everything that’s going on.

There’s always dirt, spark, it’s inconsistent

lighting, there’s things flashing all the time.

It is visually a mess.

And it’s always shot from a thousand different angles.

And angles are very important for giving audience a sense of where things are.

One of the complaints about the Batman movies, the

Christian Bill Batman movies, was during action scenes.

It was very dark and the camera changed angles constantly.

Now, the director said, I wanted you,

the audience to feel what it would be like to fight

Batman, which would be disorienting and difficult.

The problem is, I’m not fighting Batman.

I’m trying to enjoy a Batman movie.

I want to see Batman do cool stuff.

So I can’t see him and I don’t know where he is.

That’s a problem.

And then there’s the famous trucks driving down the road

and the Joker opens any shoots like, I think a RPG

or something out of the truck at the other truck.

It’s actually very difficult to know which side of the road the trucks are on.

And you might be like, it’s a movie, that doesn’t matter.

But it does spatial awareness is very important for consistency.

Inconsistency in film makes it very hard for the audience

to stay with you because if something feels disjointed,

they feel disjointed and then you lose tension from the action scene.

We’re going to watch some clips.

And I’m going to talk about each clip now.

For the podcast listener, I’ve chosen clips primarily with audio.

But if you want to watch the bright neon green Alpha Romero drive around, I don’t.

It’s an interesting thing.

One of my first complaints was about the Alpha Romero being bright green.

And this is like a getaway scene.

And then Ryan Reynolds actually makes a joke

about the lack of subtlety of the choice of car.

But that said, let’s take a look at the first clip.

I have about seven clips of Underground Six.

Six Underground.

I say it wrong every time.

That’s also another weird, very small problem.

I always say Underground Six, not Six Underground.

That’s bad.

I’m safe.

Get in the car.

She’s bleeding.

I’m aware.

Just drive.

I’m going to smoke these mother’s eyes.

OK, so what has happened is we have been introduced to our characters right away.

They’re in a car.

She’s bleeding.

You can feel it’s very tense.

That’s the initial setup.

This is a tense scene.

It’s very serious.

We have a big problem.

One of our team is bleeding.

Then he says, I’m going to smoke these mother fuckers very aggressively.

That wasn’t too bad.

I was like, that seems like his concern is

less on the survival of his teammate and more

on revenge of the action of what’s coming up next.

So what I’ve been taught as the viewer is that that

woman’s life is less as important than I thought initially.

At first, I thought, oh no, this is a big deal.

She’s been shot.

One of their team is going to die.

That’s clearly a big deal.

His concern is immediately switched off.

And then we get to scene two.

I was covered in the door.

I was shot through a window.

I was too sure.

I went amateur shot.

Yes.

I know you got shot through the window.

God, that’s so bad.

What kind of lawyer are you?

Definitely going to die.

I don’t know a lawyer with friends in high places.

Maybe mafia friends or something to point us.

We got this.

That’s all that matters.

OK, so we’ve learned a few things in this scene.

Complete– like I’m saying, inconsistent tone, a complete change in tone.

It was very serious a few seconds ago,

because this is all part of the single car chase.

Now we’ve got Ryan Reynolds doing Ryan Reynolds.

He’s like doing quips and he’s talking really fast.

And he’s stating obvious things in a very uncouth way.

You’re bleeding a lot.

You’re definitely going to die.

But there is zero concern for her life.

And he says, out loud, we got this.

This is the only thing that matters.

So what I’ve been taught again is that the actual

life of the person in the back seat does not matter.

So if they die, it’s not going to be a big deal.

It can take a moment to thank you.

There is nothing else I’d rather be doing with my life.

I don’t care.

[SIRENS]

All right, so there we have the driver– again,

mid-car chase, person bleeding to death in the back,

saying, hey, let’s just have a little aside.

I want to tell you how happy I am to be on this team.

I love this.

This is my life now.

It’s great.

And then Ryan Reynolds turns around and says, I don’t care.

And so I’m learning that this team does not care about each other.

And that could be fine.

If the team is disposable, then that’s fine.

But of course, then we’re going to get to some other stuff.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, so what has just happened for those who are actually

listening to the audio version of the podcast

is a big truck just scraped the bright green Alpha Romero.

OK, now they’ve hit a black car.

Now a black car would usually imply the bad guys.

I actually don’t remember if these are bad guys or not.

But there are two guys in that car.

They get exploded.

OK?

So now I know that at least the bad guys’ lives

are not worth anything because of the reaction

of the driver of the bright green Alpha Romero.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So he’s enjoying this.

So people dying doesn’t matter.

Enemies dying doesn’t matter.

Again, so this is all contextual for what

I need to know going into the rest of the

film to understand how I’m supposed to feel.

This didn’t bother me yet.

I did feel like this was, again, the sort of the visual cuts and stuff.

I don’t think Michael Bayes really the best director for me.

But I wasn’t annoyed at the film.

That’s coming up very soon.

Let’s get through the rest of the scene, though.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So we have the heavy bass drum kind of sound to give it some intensity.

They’ve just killed some bad guys.

He’s wooed his way into the next party.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So he almost hits some– he almost hits some nuns.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don’t forgive me.

So that’s just so they could throw a joke in.

He says, the nuns will forgive me.

I knocked them all off their bicycles.

And then the nuns give up and they start flipping them up.

It’s a joke.

I was kind of a throw away.

It seemed unnecessary because, again,

it’s lowering the sense of intensity of this scene.

If it’s a comedy, you could actually go lighter than

this and just have several of these things happen.

But then the next thing that happens– [MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch out for the gun.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I still had the right of way.

OK, so that was a pedestrian.

So the previous car that got exploded

by getting hit by the truck, there were two guys in it.

They died with a wound.

They had a great time.

That’s actually fine.

If you screw up with ’80s and ’90s action films

like I did, killing bad guys is a good thing.

They’re just fodder.

It’s a visual thing.

You kill as many as you can.

To show how great the heroes are, how capable they are.

Killing innocent people is bad.

Now, I know it’s bad.

Now, in this movie, what’s happened is he’s just hit a pedestrian with a car.

And he’s equipped.

He said, I definitely had the right away.

He’s shown no regret, no remorse.

Because he’s shown no regret, no remorse,

I know that in this universe, no one’s life has any value.

And that becomes very important for the end of this scene.

[MUSIC]

Oh, it was just the music bug.

We had, again, inconsistent.

We had this heavy-based drums and it was really intense.

And now it’s kind of actually got a bit of a light feel to it.

[MUSIC]

One for four.

Yeah, go ahead, but four.

We need you.

Cool, she need a bit.

Come here.

And then they have this, again, light introduction of another character.

No one gives a shit.

[MUSIC]

All right, so what has just happened is the driver has slid out and

he has crashed the car into a loader of some sort with like a fork lift.

And the tines were up and one has gone through him and it is killed the driver.

So we now know that this is important.

The driver is a member of the team, but well, again, what we’ve been

taught the entirety of the film so far is that he does not matter.

No one’s life matters.

And then we get to the burial scene.

So they’re on a boat, they’re going to dispose of the body.

They’re sipping up a plastic bag with his body in it.

One guy is crying, a guy who has just introduced

quite recently, they’re drinking and eating pizza.

Are you crying?

I didn’t even know his name.

We don’t know any names.

What was his name?

It doesn’t matter.

Now what you’ve done just there with one sentence is remove any impact.

So I thought we were going for a tonal shift.

We were going to be like this team cares about each other.

The death of one of the members of the team is important.

He says what’s his name?

They keep each other’s name secret as part of the whole

system that they’ve created within the film itself.

But fuck me.

This guy is dead right in front of you.

Ryan Reynolds faces telling me he’s sad.

The music is telling me I should feel sad and he’s just said who cares?

And if he says who cares, then it’s going to be hard for me to care.

He’s a good man.

Was he a good man?

I mean, he was kind of a dick.

He hit a guy with a car.

I actually see some inconsistencies in the lines that have been

written, which is where I start to blame the writers of this,

not necessarily Ryan Reynolds, because he’s doing what he’s told.

In this next part is the part that pissed me off more than anything else, I think.

While I manage the risk, I’m sorry.

Did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it.

So did he have a family?

I think you’re looking at it?

Fucking none of you have demonstrated that you

care about each other in any way whatsoever.

How the fuck are you guys, his family?

And I’m supposed to feel emotional right now.

I feel nothing.

This kid dying meant nothing to me when I watched this film.

And it set it up for the rest of the film.

I don’t care if any of them die.

It doesn’t matter.

And that’s what they’ve established with this

opening car chase in these opening scenes.

What this should be doing is having impact on me.

I should be like going, oh, that team was really tight knit.

They care about each other.

This is a really important moment.

Tears are completely appropriate.

Nothing.

Because what we do know is that no one gives a shit

about each other unless you get to make a quip.

I don’t know if this is a comedy.

If it’s an action movie, it’s a serious movie.

I don’t know.

I’m pretty sure what it wants to be is all three at the same time.

And I’m actually finding that’s why it fails

along with so many other movies because they

actually haven’t decided what they really want to be before they start the movie.

Because you need a main tone or a main theme.

Comedy movies do need serious moments.

They make the comedy sort of more poignant.

Sad movies.

Action movies need breaks in the action to let you breathe and take in a moment of

the scenery and then understand the characters better.

Call a duty the video game.

You’re never going to feel anything about any

of the characters living or dying in a call

a duty because it’s essentially non-stop murder.

What they teach you is that human life has no value.

You’re there to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

So if you die, it doesn’t matter.

That’s okay.

Call a duty is a good game because it said like we’re focusing on one thing.

We’re going to do that one thing really, really well.

You go there.

You go there for the action.

You don’t care about the story.

You go to a movie.

You care about the story.

You go to a story driven video game.

This is me slowly dropping in that we’re going

to be moving on to Guardians of the Galaxy soon.

You care about the story.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be playing a story based game.

Moments break up the film.

But if you have two tones fighting each other throughout the film.

So what we just had was serious action and lighthearted

comedy like ribbing each other back and forth.

Neither can it has a chance to sort of be the

big one and be successful because you need that big feeling to be successful.

Do you remember the movie Handcock?

So Handcock was Will Smith, pre-slapped.

He was a superhero.

He kind of had lost his way in the world.

He was drinking a lot.

It had two mini movies.

It had the first half of the film.

Was a film.

It was a comedy.

It was about this guy who was down and out but had superpowers.

The second one, it was supposed to be a redemption story.

But it changed tone.

It wasn’t funny anymore.

It was a completely serious action hero movie.

If they had stayed with any one of those themes

throughout, I bet they would have had a good movie.

If they’d stayed comedy the whole time, you would have had a good comedy movie.

If they’d stayed serious the whole time, maybe

with quips and stuff, every now and then, it probably would have been, I would say a

massive movie because that’s actually what Marvel does right now.

Marvel movies.

Everyone talks about how like Quippy and Funny They Are.

But if you actually watch the movie and like

take in the overall tone is almost always quite serious.

If I watch the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 movie,

volume 2, pre this podcast so I could have

a sense, how does the game relate to how the

video, to the movie, how does the video game

relate to the movie in their tone and do they have the same problems?

Guardians of the Galaxy 2, the movie, has very little comedy in it.

It has some standout scenes.

Those are all the scenes you’ll see in the commercials.

If you watch the commercials, you will actually

take in the entirety of the comedic offerings

of the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie.

And then I was also thinking about all my friends

have started playing Diablo, the new Diablo 4.

And I have never played Diablo, but I know that

one of the older games has a sort of easter egg.

It goes, there’s a side mission like a portal.

You can go to this other place.

Diablo is a very dark, heavy video game.

The tone is very depressed, it’s very heavy, everything is ominous.

Then it has this portal you can go through

and it’s level, it’s all cows and rainbows and green grass.

And it’s just a joke, it’s a little easter egg.

It came from a joke from a previous game.

That didn’t ruin the game because it was an

easter egg, it was a side bit, it was extra.

You actually could have passed right by it.

The only reason you would have gone there is

if you went their own purpose for a little surprise.

And a little surprise taking you out is awesome.

If that had become the second half of the

game, people would have hated it because it was inconsistent.

Then I thought, okay, what is a movie with

a consistent tone that’s trying to do a very similar thing.

And then I got to John Wick.

The first death of Six Underground demonstrates that nobody cares about anybody.

The world is unfeeling towards human life.

Human life does not matter.

But John Wick is the introduction of John Wick,

the character, he’s very sad, he gets a puppy.

The puppy represents the last vestige of hope

he has because it’s a gift from his recently deceased wife.

They spend nearly 20 minutes setting up that relationship.

It takes a really long time before any action

happens in John Wick if you really think about it.

Because they want to impress upon you the

audience, the incredible value of the life of that dog.

And it’s because that dog’s life in itself has a certain amount of value.

He’s showing that he cares about it.

I mean, at first he’s a little reluctant.

He doesn’t have dog food and stuff.

He doesn’t want to sleep on the bed.

Then of course he wakes up, it’s sleeping in the bed.

It’s all very cute and funny to be honest.

But what’s actually happening is they’re

saying, look, is the only person he’s ever loved is deceased.

She gave him this postmortem.

This is the thing that is pulling him out of

this state of depression and demise that he has fallen into.

Then the guys want to steal the car and then they kill the puppy just to be shitty.

But we as an audience know the value of that puppy to John Wick.

We know the value of it and therefore the impact of that death is more significant.

Therefore, the rampage he goes on for the rest of the film makes perfect sense.

He will not stop because you’ve taken away the only thing he cares about.

It’s just a puppy.

This, 600 grand, is supposed to be a team of

elite people who are all really good at their

jobs and they clearly don’t give a shit about each other.

So when someone dies, it’s like, I’m really the fuck cares.

There is supposed to be a redemption arc

for Ryan Reynolds where he cares at the end.

He starts out saying just leave him behind

but then at the end he’s got a new member who replaces the guy who died.

That guy’s like, I’m never going to leave

someone behind and then he goes, I don’t leave him behind.

I didn’t care.

Because the whole movie taught me that, yeah, does it really matter?

Because it doesn’t.

Because he’s just going to replace someone anyways because they’re just going to die.

Who gives a shit?

I’ve already mentioned 90s movies but it’s Quips and Death.

The only thing that was consistent in sort of 80s, 90s action movies was maybe, if the

hero wasn’t alone, he probably had a best friend.

That best friend died.

What they had done, sure, thousands of other Minion enemies had died around them.

But they had built up the relationships.

So if one of the main characters died, it was going to be significant.

They often didn’t do it in the first film.

It would have been the second film where a main

character, usually best friend or something

dies and that sets off the impetus for the

second film where it’s like a revenge fantasy kind of thing.

But they spent an entire film setting up that relationship.

Again, because back then in those films, they

understood that the relationship between those

characters has to be taught to the audience

as valuable so the break in that value becomes

meaningful, which is where six underground

fails in every aspect because nothing they did was meaningful.

Similar vein, last week I rewatch “Hurt

Locker” and in “Hurt Locker”, the first opening

scene has one death in it, but that sets up for the importance and the stakes of death

in that movie for the rest of the film because

they are very worked up about trying to keep

him alive and then they are very shattered when the first character dies.

And that teaches us as the audience what we are

supposed to care about for the rest of the film.

I have to pee.

You know there’s an average speed at which mammals pee.

It’s like 11 seconds is really normal.

So like an elephant pees on average for 11

seconds, a human pees on average for 11 seconds

and like certain dogs and stuff pee on average.

It’s not, I don’t remember the number exactly, but it’s something like that.

It’s an average, so of course you pee longer

and shorter sometimes, but the average amount

of time for almost all mammals is the same amount of pee time.

Science, someone studied that.

It’s kind of amazing.

Alright, so now we get to another sort of

complaint, again, teaching the audience what you’re supposed to care about.

Solo.

If you’re a Star Wars fan, solo is pretty offensive.

It’s offensive for me primarily because fuck

those writers who clearly did not understand

what they were talking about when they wrote this film.

Throughout the entirety of all the Star Wars

franchise, there is one consistent and is that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

They are best friends.

And this pissed me off so much.

This is supposed to be the solo story and of course

within that first story is how he meets Chubaka.

He gets thrown in a thing with a wookie and

they’re like, “Haha, the wookie is going to kill that guy.”

And then he speaks a little wookie and then

the wookie doesn’t kill him and then he helps

the wookie escape and they have a blood oath.

You save my life and therefore I will serve you.

That is not friendship.

That is slavery.

Now you can grow friendship out of that because

solo maybe he doesn’t think about, he doesn’t

have any sort of regard for blood oaths because that’s not part of his culture.

And he just treats Chubaka like an equal.

That actually seems to happen right away from the beginning.

But there is no moment where they demonstrate

that Han Solo and Chubaka love each other.

That Han Solo is willing to risk himself and

his life and all his choices for his friend.

Chubaka is very selfless.

But if he does selfless things what we’re actually

seeing is maybe he’s just doing it because of a blood oath.

There is one scene and it ruined the entire film for me because they’re in a mind.

There are wookies being forced to do work the

minds, they’re slaves and then they have a mission.

They have to go left to go finish the mission.

I don’t know, steal some data.

You go right and go save the wookies.

Han Solo and Chubaka in that film.

Chubaka is like, I gotta go save my people and then Han Solo

is like, we gotta finish the mission or they’re gonna kill us.

And then Chubaka is like, nah man, I gotta do this.

And then Han Solo is like, okay let’s split up.

You go save the wookies.

I will go get the data and finish the mission.

This was the singular missed opportunity to

establish the love between these two characters.

What you need to show is Han Solo being really, really torn up.

Like I have to finish the mission or they’re

going to kill us but my best friend here needs help.

What he should have done was said, fuck it.

Let’s go save your people.

And then if we have time we’ll go get the data together.

So you rewrite that scene where it’s like

Chubaka goes, hey we gotta go save the wookies

and Han Solo goes, no we gotta finish the mission

or they’re gonna kill us and wookies, Chubaka

is like, nah man, fucking wookies are being enslaved right now.

I’m not, I can’t stand for that.

And Han Solo going, we gotta get them, they’re

gonna kill us, we gotta do it, we gotta do the thing.

And then, fuck.

Okay, let’s go save the wookies.

He has that emotional tear where his love for Chubaka

overwhelms or is more valuable to him than his own life.

They go save the wookies and then the wookies

help them take over the data center and then they all escape together.

Good scene, good movie.

We’ve established for the rest of the film.

You don’t even need to do anything else.

You’ve established that Han Solo cares more

for Chubaka’s values than he does for his own life.

And that is what best French is all about.

So, to seem like being a little less than for you what French are up is all about.

So we’re gonna get to the Guardians of the

Galaxy game and everything I’ve said so far, fucking mosquito.

It’s the one who bit my bicep, you motherfucker.

Sorry, the distractions are running hard and fast today.

I need to give you sort of my gamer resume to start.

I think, I think that’s fair because you could

say you just don’t like video games and stuff.

And again, sort of my thing at the beginning

where Michael Bay makes movies for 13 year old boys.

And I think that’s a good thing.

I think that’s a good thing.

Suddenly has to go into the water because there’s

this whole sort of subplot of rocket hates to get wet.

He overcomes that fear for the team and stuff.

But I was like, this doesn’t make sense.

If it’s water and I have just been given

freeze powers, I should be freezing the water.

So again, inconsistency makes it difficult for me to care about what’s happening

because what I’ve been taught and what is actually happening don’t match.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

So that is… Is everything about this sucks so much?

That you can hear… This is past the midpoint of the game, I’m pretty sure.

You can hear the despair I have at the fact that they are still talking.

One of my biggest complaints, again, messy.

Now, messy can come in a lot of ways.

There’s visually messy.

There’s a… Orally messy.

Guardians of the Galaxy, to me, is an orally messy game.

I care about what characters say.

I want to hear what the characters say.

I turn on subtitles even when I’m watching, even when I’m

playing a game, so that I don’t miss what characters say.

Because this game is a constant barrage of lines.

It means that the lines get mixed up so much that you actually

start to lose track of what they say is it important or not.

Because so much of what they say is trash, the

little gems of necessity in there get lost.

And all I can say at the end of this is, let’s see if I can hit that part again.

Can you just shut the fuck up and do it?

And to me that was almost my whole experience in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Is they spent so much time talking.

It was so unnecessary.

It was so laborious.

And they just never actually got to the fucking point.

No idea what the darn amount.

That’s fine.

These scenes are so long.

So I have no idea what they’re talking about, but that’s fine.

It’s not the reaction I should be having as a player.

I should care about what’s going on, but at this point, we’re chapter 13.

They’ve lost me completely.

I think I say in the next part what’s important.

Okay, we’re on chapter 13.

There are 13, 14, 15.

So there’s four full chapters left.

That’s how you know a game is good.

You start counting down the chapters to the end.

So what’s happened now is I’ve gotten past the midpoint.

So the point of no return.

I’m going to finish the game.

I’m now actually spite playing it.

I’m playing it because I want to find all the things I hate.

Because I knew I was going to do something like this.

I knew I wanted to do.

By the midpoint, I was like, I need to analyze why I’m

having such a negative visceral reaction to this game.

Because I actually have not hated a game as

much as Guardians of the Galaxy as in my life.

And remember, this is a game that everyone else seems to love.

It has a medocratic score of 80 and a user score of 8.7, which is 87.

That is ridiculous.

Why do I hate it so much?

That’s what I’m trying to get through.

The story itself gets lost in the amount of noise they make and it is constant.

During battles they’re talking, during cutscenes they’re talking.

And it becomes unnecessary to listen to them when they talk.

So you get into this problem where I don’t

care what they say even when it’s important.

Oh, okay.

No, I completely nonsensical once again.

You should never sigh like that when you’re playing a video game.

You should never be exhausted at the beginning or the end of a cutscene.

I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene started

and I was annoyed and tired when a cutscene ended.

Please lost track of what I’m doing to be honest.

Okay, this is, if you’re able to see the screen if you’re

watching on YouTube, a fairly low-key combat moment.

They have, on the screen right now, they have up in the corner.

It says marvelous. They have my health bar.

That’s all pretty normal standard stuff.

They have some green lights that’s health coming back to me.

They have neon flashes.

They have a health bar above the enemy.

This is only two enemies on the screen right now.

I punch him, he punches me.

There’s some guys battling the background.

And what I found very annoying is the visual noise on the screen all the time.

It made it very difficult for me to focus on enemies and what was going on.

You’re supposed to be managing your team as well.

And I found the team management to be laborious

because you had to basically step out of the game.

Click a button and step back in.

The screen was covered and shit the whole time.

And I remember when the first Destiny came out, it bugged me.

It was particle effects.

It was flashing lights.

It was all bright neon.

The screen lit up constantly.

This was clearly, I think this might have been designed for a new

generation of gamer who can take in all that visual information.

So this might be me admitting I’m old.

And maybe that’s where I’m wrong and the game is actually okay.

So all those people who love the game, they’re younger

people who actually like don’t care for all of your stimuli.

But I found that I wanted a better visual understanding

of what was going on on the screen all the time.

And you had to use the right weapon to take down certain shields and stuff.

Flashes, the whole screen turns green.

I’ve lost the ability to remember things.

And there’s one more actually.

Which takes us to the second last boss fight.

The second last boss fight happens in pitch black.

So they actually take everything off the screen.

It’s the exact opposite of what’s been happening the entirety of the game.

The entirety of the game.

Everything’s lit up.

Everything’s bright.

Everything’s flashing at you.

So I think the intent was that we’ll take all that away.

And then you’re going to be like you’ll lose track of the enemies.

It’ll feel very claustrophobic, something like that.

What I actually ended up happening was it was felt exactly the same.

Because overwhelming light and complete lack

of light end up being the exact same feeling.

I’m just trying to finish the game.

I just want to fucking get it over with.

I am waiting for the end of a chapter so I can stop though.

So I would have stopped like 10-15 minutes ago.

Jesus Christ.

Can these scenes go longer?

Can they fucking go longer?

If we just add another 30-40 minutes of this, be great.

And there it is.

A very sincere expression of frustration with

the fact that the cut scenes go on too long.

Because they’re just talking constantly.

Everyone has to have their say.

Everyone has to have their quip.

The Guardians of the Galaxy movie by comparison.

Because you could say maybe Peter, what you hate is Guardians of the Galaxy.

That’s not true.

I enjoyed the first movie.

I enjoyed the second movie.

I watched the second movie in preparation for making this video.

And what I found was there was significantly less dialogue, quipping,

and jokes in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, then you would think.

Because the bits that stand out are the comedy.

The bits that stand out are the comedy because they are chosen.

The time is chosen.

So we’ve just had a very heavy scene.

We’re going to do this and then put in a scene with jokes.

And then we’re going to go out from that and go back

to honestly a very straightforward, serious film.

It’s primarily about man’s relationship with

his father, family, who you choose to be with.

It is heavy stuff.

As I said earlier, if you watch the commercials, if you watch

all the trailers for the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie,

you can watch the entirety of the comedic content in the trailers.

Everything else in the movie is relatively straightforward and serious.

This game failed at that part.

So I ended up clearly in the last part, incredibly

frustrated, because I care about what people say.

So I really want to hear what people say and I want it to be important.

And that is good writing.

You need to actually have people say things that mean stuff because it’s

telling me the audience what I need to think and feel going forward.

I regularly couldn’t hear or it was filtered out because there was

so much noise or it was filtered out because it was so constant.

There was so much constant talking that I actually didn’t hear what anyone said.

Too much is just as bad as not enough.

An inconsistent will mean there is no impact.

They were consistent in the volume, but not the quality.

The good bits and the bad bits, they were just all shit together.

Now I’m going to say that Guardians of the Galaxy, the video game is bad.

And I know people are going to say that your opinion is subjective, but

my opinion in this case is objective and if you disagree, you are wrong.

Let’s just see what Ryan Reynolds has to say about this.

None of us will be remembered.

None of us will be remembered in six underground

because it was an inconsistent shitty movie.

And I think Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy is going to

be very forgotten very soon because it’s a bunch of noise.

It’s a terrible game and I hate it so much that I

actually hope that developer doesn’t make another game.

I don’t know how to finish now.

I don’t think I wrote an ending.

I think I don’t wish anything bad on actual people.

Whoever was sitting down writing that game and

said, “So there must have been a production day.”

And they were like, “We need to have them speaking nonsensically,

constantly because that’s the nature of the character.”

Those guys were wrong and they shouldn’t be allowed to write anymore.

I don’t want them to not have jobs and not be able to eat and stuff.

I do want them to never write another script.

[Music].