The Great Emu War

it’s that exciting, I’ve got my medical checkup

I’ve got mine coming up

every year they call me obese

do they?

every year, they say you have metabolic syndrome

and you are fat

right

it’s a nice little full stop on that

I mean

because they do your height and weight

and I am very heavy for my height

and I have fat, I’m not saying I’m

you know, Olympic swimmer

body, but

I’m not fat

it hurts my feelings

every year

you should

I don’t know what you can do about that

can you hit them

when they say

oh no, no

you’re very close

so there was one year

there was this old doctor

he was like in his 70s or 80s

and he was just like this little shriveled man

and he

looked at the chart

and said you’re fat

and I was looking at him going like

I could crush you with one hand right now

don’t

don’t push the limits here sir

exactly

he was talking to a

to a fighting master

well he was talking to a piece of paper

was the problem

he wasn’t looking at the Adonis before him

yeah

did you whip it out and say

Adonis

Adonis was not very impressive

if we’re being honest

all the statues had little tiny peepees

I heard that

I heard off the internet

that

in ancient Rome

during the time

where they were making

all these statues and whatnot

that

a small penis

was a sign of

high intelligence

yeah

because you were

you didn’t have those

basic urges

ruling your life

yeah

like some caveman

I’ve got a breed

with my huge

enormous penis

with my giant dog

my hog

you lie down

I bang

like big

caveman -y

stuff

that’s

if you do have

a little tiny penis

then you might

be very

I am a grower

not a shower

so maybe I have both

and then I do take ice baths

quite regularly

so when I take an ice bath

it is minuscule

yeah

ladybug

yeah

actually

it makes sense

because at that moment

when I’m in the ice bath

when you were maneuvering

I thought you were literally

going to start

but actually

let me show you

what I’m talking about

all right

now we’re talking

we’re gonna have to

that’s a patreon only episode

we’re gonna have to get paid

a lot more

before that happens

absolutely

Tommy

who we talked to before

has on multiple occasions

tried to get me to show him

my penis

and I

but we took a bath together

we went to a hot spring together

so he’s actually seen it

so I guess it’s not that exciting anymore

I do think that um

the onsen

it’s a weird one

I went

I had a first date with somebody

at an onsen

which I thought

what a wild

choice to

to make

for a first date

but actually

being naked

in the hot spring

completely different

to just being naked

it’s non -sexual

yeah

and it doesn’t feel like

you’re

oh I’m naked

it just feels like a uniform

the uniform here is no clothes

yeah

so that’s what we’re wearing

so it doesn’t

I didn’t feel naked

going in there

and I didn’t feel like

anyone else was

obviously people are naked

and you can see everything

whatever

but you’re not looking

you’re not concentrating

everything

I can see everything

literally

everything

yeah

there was a lot of

intelligent people

in that onsen

but like

so what I’m taking

an ice bath

my point is

my penis is incredibly small

because it’s

it’s basically

protruded into my body

but at that point

I have zero sexual thoughts

and I would

sort of

hitting

peak

mental acuity

whereas

in other instances

where

we’re

we’re growing

and not showing

I would be having

the more

base thoughts

I would not be having

my philosophical thoughts

so there’s probably

some truth in it

maybe it works

yeah

how hard are you right now

I’m pretty tired

there’s not much going on

not much going on

at all

to be honest

I don’t even have a chubby

fair enough

well

about some riveting conversation

then

which is

the point

intellectual chubbies

are coming

can I say though

the word chub

for

you know

a little bit

activated

I think that’s

horrible

I hate that word

really

I think it’s really cute

because it’s

it’s

it’s like

the thing is

what I’m about to say

is like

it’s like a

baby’s arm

it’s

it’s chubby

and cute

and then

I suddenly felt like

well that’s wrong

you don’t want to

connect babies

and

half

what would you say

then

half mast

were it

I don’t know

what I’d say

I’d say

I really don’t know

I’m searching

through my

regular vocab

and I don’t know

what I say

for that situation

I definitely don’t say

half chub

because I’ve heard that

and though it makes me laugh

I can’t

I also can’t stand it

I think I would only

yeah you can only say that

if you’re joking though

you can’t

you can’t say anything

with chub in it

and be serious

you can’t be taken seriously

like if

you’re at the United Nations

giving an address

and you use the word chub

in any context

it’s not

no one’s taking you seriously anymore

it’s just one of those words

it is

it just doesn’t sound

serious does it

I had an article

let me see if I can pull it up

really quickly

because I think I saved it

and it’s

names British people have

for their penises

oh yeah

this has become a very

penis

focused podcast

we didn’t waste any time

yeah

I don’t

no no

I meant like in general

we don’t

we just go straight there

which is not a bad thing

just so people know

what they’re getting

but if people

is that what people want

it should be

should we

should we change that

I will

I mean we have to do it

for a while and see

okay

and then if people want more

we can certainly give more

but we have been doing it for a while

it’s been every

every single

time

I guess I can’t help it

I can’t help it

mm -hmm

okay

these are the most common nicknames

British men have for their peni

okay

so I

you’re a British man

yeah

do you have a nickname for your

your member

for your member of parliament

I call mine Peter

I’m joking

no but like

that is

that is not an unusual thing

and so having the name Peter

that came up multiple times

when I was a little kid

actually

Peter

is close to penis

so close

your name is

like next door to the word penis

I am penis adjacent

at all times

and

and uh

yeah so I think

any

any name that could be

chosen

I think penis is a good one

but

there’s a few that can rattle off

there’s um

obviously

knob

cock

tallywacker

pecker

tallywacker

there’s um

the picturesque ones

stick and two berries

and whatnot

these are

these are like

if you were going to refer to your own penis

what would you say

so wait

well okay

let me give you the intro

the habit

so this is giving a name to your own penis

was most common in the northwest

where 86 % of people

men

said they had one

in lower Scotland

Northern Ireland

and Wales

the number hovered around 72 to 73 %

where

and they all had sort of regional variations

hmm

so where

I don’t want to give away your

your

too much information

but we

are you north

I don’t know

Midlands

okay

yeah

right in the center of England

okay

so you’re

the everyman

hmm

of the UK

I think the most common one is dick

no these are

affectionate names

I’m sorry

okay

right

no so this would be like

this would be like

okay

because I have never

I would be in the group

that does not have a nickname

for their penis

I call it penis

hmm

I whenever

I don’t actually talk to it very often

so I don’t really need a name

okay

as for what they’re actually calling it

the risk

the list runs from self -deprecating

to deeply aspirational

John Thomas

topped the rankings

John Thomas

yeah

it’s the most common

nickname for a penis

which is also very common slang

I’ve actually heard John Thomas before

my John Thomas

I know

I’ve heard this

as a

term for

your penis

but

I’ve never

I’ve never heard this in conversation ever

neither have I

and that makes me think that

like they’re saying

it’s like

70 -80 %

I actually believe that’s

not true

I would

I would guess that

an older guy

might call it

a John Thomas

maybe a grandfather

they didn’t give an age range

that actually would make a big difference

huge difference

yeah

okay so

mopey dick

which I actually quite like

I’ve never heard that before

mopey dick

I think that’s the thing

the

the ones that are good

I’ve never heard before

I’ve never

because I’ve never heard anyone really talk about their penis

and use a name

I actually

I need some context for this

okay

some others got creative

circumference

not bad

widgey mcwidgeface

midgey mcwidgeface

is not very good

circumference

I quite like

because it also

it’s got dual meaning too

so I quite enjoy that

it is

and then others went full military hierarchy

the general

sorry I hit a button

the general

the captain

the boss

the prince

the champ

and then there’s also

the rocket

the wand

rodzilla

which I enjoy

that one

that’s my favorite so far

big ben

and little man

okay

the only one

I can

say is

is feasible for me

is um

not for me personally

well maybe for me personally

don’t

stop talking Jordan

little man

because I’ve heard

if your name is

is Tom

you might say

little Tom

or mini Tom

I might say little Jordan

I’ve heard that

being used in conversation

but rarely

and the others

I’ve never heard

I’ve never heard any of these

this list should be debunked

because

I can

tell you my experience

it’s not true

it’s the number

it’s the percentage of people

who have a name for their penis

seems very high

and then these names

I’ve never heard any of them

really

in the UK

most people

are just calling it

their

dick

I think that’s

that’s probably the most common one

if you’re talking to your friends

you say

fuck my dick’s hurt

I don’t know

what context that would be in

but

you’d say that

yeah

so if you gave it a really powerful name

like Rocket Big Ben

the Terminator

or something like that

you’re really speaking to the potency

that you feel about yourself

and the prowess in bed

and it gives

the capacity that you give

to your partner

it’s quite egocentric

yeah

I don’t believe any of that

I’m sorry

that’s bull

that’s a

that’s a bad

the person who wrote that

doesn’t know anything about

penis names in England

let me see

it’s by Ashley Fike

or Fikey

okay

let’s doxa

yeah

no Ashley

can suck my circumference

yeah

laughing

so last time we were talking

yes

I brought up

the Great Emu War of

1932

if you have any questions

it’s a very short story

so it’s not too bad

but do you have any questions

before we begin

before I start giving you the facts

okay

one question

I feel like I’m the only person

in any group I’m in

I’m the only person who

who really

really likes

enjoys emus

it’s just a nice beautiful animal

it’s an underrated animal

I think

I think emus are underrated

I agree with that absolutely

yeah

the best thing about them is

when

do you know when they’re running

then

now they’re not as fast as ostriches

of course

but when they’re running

they pick up some speed

and when they change directions

they can’t change so sharply

they kind of run in a

in a left -leaning or right -leaning arc

because

they’re running at speed

but their body moves first

and then their neck follows

and then their head is the last thing to move

so it looks like that

so it looks really really charming

and so

I feel if an emu was trying to start a war with me

and it was running towards me

I’d be

stunned by

the cuteness of its swerves

as it

ran to kill me

well that might be

part of the issue

because apparently they were very hard to shoot

and it might be because of this

like you’re aiming at the head

and then the head just snaps

and does this like

very sexy

oh I can’t

I missed

right

yeah

so this was

this was 1932 in Australia

there was a severe drought

so that was a big problem

the main issue was

the emu

where they normally would get food

could not get any food

so they started

invading farmland

and so that’s

that’s where this conflict arises from

because the emu are just trying to feed themselves

they’re just trying to eat

about 20 ,000 emus

came out of the interior

to farmland

in western Australia

that’s a lot of emus mate

they ate mostly

wheat

now this was during

the depression

basically these farmers

weren’t making any money anyways

so the fact that they’re having their crops

destroyed by emus

was a big problem

so they called the government

help us out mate

farmers petitioned the ministry of defense

for help

so they didn’t just like call the cops

they were like

there are so many emus

there’s 20 ,000 emus

eating our farmland

we need

we need the government to step in

so that was their first petition

the minister deployed men

under

major

GPW

Meredith

and the royal

Australian

artillery

let’s say you’re in this situation

you’ve been petitioned by farmers

you’re a minister

in the Australian government

help us out mate

I actually have a

we have an Australian

friend

who is going to be

doing some lines for me

that I’m going to be dropping in

okay

the lines I’m going to have

is like

that’s a lot of emus

I can’t do an Australian

that was pretty good

I thought

in my opinion

maybe last month

I watched a movie called

Seven Snipers

and I didn’t know

it was an Australian

seven snipers

that’s a lot of snipers

it’s

six

seven

six

seven

six

seven

snipers

that’s a lot of snipers

that’s the

that’s the line

I want to get

I want to

I’m practicing that one

that’s a lot of

that’s a lot of snipers

mate

and snipers would be

another good nickname

for it

if you want to

yeah

yes

so the farmers

petitioned the minister

also

how

what would you send

so you’re

you’re in

you’re sort of in charge

of the military

you can tell the military

to do stuff

and they’ll take you seriously

you

you found out there’s

you don’t know how many emus

there’s a lot of emus

destroying farmland

what are you sending

to the farmers

to help

without knowing the situation

literally hundreds of farmers

were

were coming at me

to complain

maybe

I don’t know what’s up

the military

maybe I’d send

twenty

people

with

with a

as humane a gun

as there was at that time

something that could

humane gun

does not

go together

for me

you know

the most

humane gun

so could you

now explain

to me

what you believe

is the most

humane gun

that you know of

okay

well no guns

like you say

no guns are humane

however

I would say

a gun

whose bullets

will

enter a body

cleanly

and swiftly

and maybe make

an instant kill

I suppose that depends on

more of where it enters

the body doesn’t it

but

but that opposed to

those

shells that splinter

inside the body

to cause as much damage

as possible

hmm

I think

does shotguns do that

shotguns shoot a bunch

of pellets

I only know

video game

guns

me too

I know that

I know that shotguns

shoot

they spray

but you can get them

like more focused

or more broad

but that

you want

one that hits the body

and explodes

into bits

well

if that’s

the opposite of that

whichever one is the

most painless

for the emus

that’s what I want

whether it’s the

splintering

exploding shells

into the body

if that’s going to be

painless

they’re more painless

this

like this is

this is my slide

of humaneness

for guns

no I understand

what you’re saying

you’re saying

you want to do

like basically

kill them as quickly

as possible

so they feel

the least amount

of pain

yeah

so like if I shoot

one it’s dead

like in the first

second

hopefully

not lying on the

floor in pain

for an extended

period

no I

because that’s

what I don’t

yeah

yeah yeah

we’re not trying

to we’re not

trying to torture

the emus

we’re trying to

stop them

okay

no I

I understand

that’s why I

wouldn’t I

was I was gonna

say would

animals be better

for this but

then animals

will bite

and tear

and that’s

that’s I’m

thinking of like

fox hunting

that’s painful

that must be

horrible

nature is

heavy metal

they do

yeah it is

doesn’t mess

around is it

so you really

want to drop

white phosphorus

on them

that’s bad

for the wheat

isn’t it

oh it is

bad for the wheat

yeah

it’s bad

for the wheat

so they

they had

a small

group of

men

maybe about

four or

five

they had

two

lewis

machine guns

and 10 ,000

rounds

enough rounds

so they had

two machine

guns

10 ,000

bullets

and they’re

like I

think it

was four

guys

they’re like

go out

and just

shoot some

emus

because they’re

thinking

you’re gonna

shoot a couple

of emus

they’re gonna

move on

I’m betting

the ministry

didn’t understand

the scale

of what they

were actually

talking about

so when these

Australian farmers

like oh

that’s a lot

of emus

mate

I bet

they were like

oh that’s

that’s an

Australian

farmer’s version

of a lot

of emus

which could

be three

versus

thousands

and thousands

of emus

yeah

you were talking

about the birds

running

do you know

how fast

an emu

can run

because you

said not

as fast

as austri

how many

how fast

do you think

an emu

can run

I want to

check because

I actually

think they

run the

same speed

I don’t

really know

how fast

an ostrich

would run

maybe

is it

30 miles

an hour

is that

a cheetah

cheetahs

are like

50 miles

an hour

which are

the fastest

yeah

they’re the

fastest

but it’s

only for

a couple

seconds

I know

they’re not

marathon runners

if they run

at top speed

for an extended

period they die

because they

overheat

do they really

yeah

it’s actually

really sad

because you can

imagine like

they’re trying

to catch something

because they’re

hungry and then

they miss

and then just

like die

of exhaustion

that’s why

you see

cheetahs

they’re kind

of watching

the prey

and they’ve

got to be

really sure

about the

kill

yeah

well

I don’t know

ostriches

I’m going to

guess that maybe

like 30 miles

an hour

oh you’re pretty

pretty good

it’s 30 to 37

miles per hour

with a sprint

up to 43

miles per hour

so basically

they can run

fast and they

can have these

spurts of 10

miles per hour

more where

this is ostriches

emus run at 50

miles per hour

what

yeah so I

think emus run

faster on level

than an ostrich

does probably

because they’re

lighter

yeah

goodness me

that’s it’s

fast so we’re

talking almost

as fast as a

cheetah

yeah

cracking

I gotta look

it up I gotta

see how fast

a cheetah runs

now

so we have

our numbers

right

oh my god

65 to 75

miles per hour

that’s that

top sprint

so they’re

running probably

in the 30s

40s and then

they sprint

they can hit

104 to 120

kilometers an

hour which is

75 miles per

hour

okay

and you know

just while we’re

talking about it

birds from

down under

how many

miles an hour

do you think a

kiwi can run

I’ve just googled

kiwis are

little turds

with legs

yeah those

things yeah

I come on

they can

they can top

out at 14

kilometers an

hour

miles per hour

let’s go

miles yeah

it says 10

humans walk

at 7 miles

per hour

no run

at 7 miles

per hour

or something

oh fuck

I don’t

remember

humans were

designed to

walk not

run

that’s

interesting

well

how fast

does a

kiwi go

10 to 15

miles an

hour

okay

that’s running

and that’s

faster than I

thought

considering its

size and its

little legs and

its little turd

body

yeah

okay I’m just

gonna put

how fast does

a human run

so we’re gonna

get an average

not like

olympians

68 miles

per hour

yeah

so the average

so my in my

head it was

7 miles per

hour is

normal

yeah humans

were designed

to walk

not run

and we walk

almost better

than almost

every other

animal on the

planet

we do

well we were

do they call

it endurance

hunting

yes

in our

primitive days

scariest thing

animals could

see would be

just a bunch

of humans

in the distance

just tracking

them

waiting to

be worn

out

get tired

and get

worn out

yeah

scary

sorry we’re

back so they

deployed a

couple guys

with two

machine guns

and 10 ,000

rounds

and the birds

run at 50

miles per

hour and they

scatter

so this is the

problem so like

when you’re

talking about

shooting them

they can’t

really aim

at one

because it’s

gonna move

it’s gonna

scatter they all

run in different

directions so

they’re not

gonna be able

to just like

zombie video

game and just

do do do do

do do and

take them all

down

call that

fast and

wily

so the first

issue is there

were 20 ,000

emu and they

only gave them

10 ,000 bullets

oh so at best

if they killed

one emu with

every shot which

is impossible with

a machine gun

because you’re just

spraying they would

still only be able

to kill half of

them

how well do you

think they did

terribly i guess

because

what a mess

so they had 10 ,000

rounds how many

emus do you think

they killed in

terms of killing

or dispatching

maybe would

that include

emus that

they you know

clipped on the

foot so it

couldn’t run so

it was yeah

virtually not

emuing anymore

the range is

very broad

because what the

number they

actually give is

the result is

very broad but

it’s still quite

low i’m gonna

i’m gonna say

100 oh

no they did

better than that

they killed a

thousand to

2 ,500 emus

that’s not many

emus i’m betting

they shot a

thousand and

they were like

down on the

ground and

then injured

another thousand

that kind of

ran off and

died later

that’s it

literally the

opposite of what

i was aiming for

earlier with my

with my humane

guns in

december 1932

the soldiers

withdrew and

they claimed

mission failure

see you later

mate and

then as a

result the

government just

started giving

farmers ammunition

so they could

just shoot them

themselves

yeah that makes

more sense as

and when

yeah yeah

it’s kind

it’s funny

that they

lost but

it’s sad

that you

have to like

kill a bunch

of animals

because

yeah the

emus are just

trying to find

food they’re just

trying to be

emus and

they’re not

trying to

have a lot of

time

yeah just

trying to

anytime

animals come

into human

territory to

feed it’s

because we’ve

taken up all

their land

somewhere

isn’t it

i think like

the bears

going to

places in

japan

not just

japan

this has been

a huge

problem in

japan

because

i learned

that it

has

there’s two

factors that

are causing

this the

bears to come

into cities

and hurt

people and

stuff is

they eat

chestnuts

and the

chestnuts

because of

climate change

is just

not enough

chestnuts

for them

to eat

so they

have to

go to

other

sources

for food

and it

used to

city

circled

farmland

circled

by forest

where the

bears live

so the

bears

crossing

the farmland

was difficult

because the

hunters would

chase them

off or shoot

them or

whatever

that farmland

is gone

so now

it’s just

forest city

so they

just walked

straight into

the city

when they

started looking

for food

that’s scary

so not having

that buffer

has actually

caused a

huge problem

in japan

and now

they’re talking

about like

culling

the bears

but because

of japan’s

incredibly good

gun control

no one has

guns or has

grown up

with guns

so there

aren’t as

many hunters

so all the

hunters are

like in

their 60s

70s

and 80s

they’re dying

off and there’s

no one taking

over so they’re

not they don’t

have enough

hunters anymore

what’s the next

best way to

kill bears then

i don’t know

like i don’t have

an answer for that

like there’s no

answer

like do you have

to kill the bears

so we should

start integrating

them

uh and you know

if we start doing

that then

they’ll want

want bears

to get married

and oh

bear rights

yeah

they’ll be

adopting kids

god

it’s a slippery

slope

one day you’re

allowing bears

to survive

the next day

you’re marrying

bears

god

fucking

liberals

shit

uh that would

be great

trying to have

the the pro

bear argument

yeah

and how a

slippery slope

what it’s going

to be we’re

going to put like

bears in our

classrooms

do you want a

bear teaching

your kids

yeah

do you want to

sit next to a

bear on a bus

oh my god no

do you want to

see bears on

i was gonna say

do you want to

see bears on your

grinder

i know to be

honest i think

that i think

that’s actually

where they belong

i think you’d be

right there

yes